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  • 2 days ago
Original Upload Date: February 21st, 2025

Fictional story: On the night of August 29th, 1997, somebody from Salt Lake City, UT named Frederick Mayers had attempted to turn on an Apple Newton eMate 300 computer that his friend gave him via a phony demo structure from a computer store to do his schoolwork. Things turned for the worse then...

Credits for material used in this video:
(C) Mattel, Inc. for Barney logo, images, songs, and character.
(C) Apple for the Newton eMate Graphic and Sounds.
Pixabay for all other stock sounds and music.
Bing Translator Roger voice emulated via LazyPyro:
https://lazypy.ro/tts/
Apple Newton start up sound origin:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar-ERKJJh5Y
RandomRetroTrainGuy82 for the script in preparation of this video.

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Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Okay, it's almost time for back to school. It's gonna be a grind for this upcoming school year.
00:07Luckily, my friend gave me this Apple Newton E-Mate 300 to help prepare my homework setups with.
00:12Oh no! My device didn't load properly.
00:15We apologize for the disruption on your Apple Newton E-Mate 300. We had to give you a Barney error.
00:23Barney tried to swim in the Hudson River, but he drowned horribly, because he got too far out in the deep.
00:30What is sinking feeling right there?
00:33Barney would now like you to acknowledge that by not turning off your Newton.
00:37So, for your own safety, please do not turn off your Apple Newton E-Mate 300.
00:44Repeat. Please do not turn off your Apple Newton E-Mate 300.
00:49If you do, both me and Barney will get mad at you.
00:52Crash it, and get the FBI involved.
00:56In all seriousness, your schoolwork should now be the last thing to worry about.
01:01You will get 17 chances in 10 minutes, before this error will self-destruct.
01:07Your decision.
01:08With that, I will now go for a rest.
01:11Remember, don't make Barney angry, and use your chances wisely.
01:16Goodbye now.
01:17Barney the fucking dinosaur hacked my Newton?
01:20What the hell kind of shit is this?
01:23Hey! I saw you turned off your Apple Newton Ebay 300.
01:29Please don't do that again.
01:31He talks too? What a joke.
01:37This is the second time you turned off your Apple Newton.
01:40Please don't do that again.
01:42Whoever invented this crap needs to cease to exist.
01:45You turned off your Apple Newton for the third time now.
01:53Please refrain from doing that, or else you're going to make things worse for yourself.
01:59I'm so scared.
02:00You don't spook me in the least bit, Barney.
02:06You turned off your Apple Newton for the fourth time now.
02:10When there's a Barney error on the screen, you know that you're supposed to keep your device turned on.
02:16It's annoying me now.
02:23You just wasted five of your good chances.
02:27You have two more good chances left before evil mode.
02:30You try me.
02:36Are you serious right now?
02:39You turned off your Apple Newton six times.
02:42What do you think you're going to get out of this, huh?
02:45You know that you're not allowed to turn off any device that I have a Barney error on.
02:49You're making me mad.
02:51This can't be real.
02:57Okay, now you've officially made me mad.
03:01I'm so mad at you for turning off your system.
03:04This is your last chance before evil mode.
03:07Bring it on.
03:15You scared the living shit out of me, Barney.
03:18I'm now in evil mode.
03:19You got nine chances left.
03:22Don't waste them now.
03:24Go back to your fucking playground, Barney.
03:30You did it again.
03:32Eight chances.
03:34Why?
03:39Why do people keep turning off any device that I have infected with the Barney error on it?
03:44You asshole.
03:48Why?
03:49I would perform my theme song, but I can't.
03:53This device is not powerful enough.
03:56No one wants to listen to your theme song.
03:59It sucks major ass.
04:00You're only five chances away from losing your Apple Newton.
04:08You need to quit it right now and just wait for 70 minutes.
04:12Come on.
04:14I want to get my homework set up installed.
04:16I bought this device legally.
04:18I bought this device legally.
04:22Liar, liar, pants on fire.
04:24Your ass is hanging off a telephone wire.
04:27You didn't buy this legitimately.
04:29And you're pushing it now.
04:31Four chances.
04:33Go fuck yourself, Barney.
04:35Could you please stop touching that power button already?
04:43Don't make this any worse.
04:45Just stop it.
04:46Or what?
04:47Where is this?
04:48Brunei?
04:54Stop it.
04:55Stop it.
04:55Stop it.
04:56We're not in Brunei.
04:58We're in the state of Utah.
04:59And you're going to be banned from using this device very soon.
05:04If you don't stop turning it off.
05:06Two more chances before the code screen.
05:09Get off my goddamn Newton.
05:15This is your last chance.
05:17If you turn off that Apple Newton screen one more time,
05:21then you will need to enter the code.
05:24That's it.
05:29Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
05:34You fucking mind roll.
05:37I can't believe you wasted all 17 of your chances.
05:41You will now need to enter a code in order to get your Apple Newton EMA 300 back.
05:47Do it right now.
05:48What the hell kind of shit is this with the fucking codes?
05:52Let me enter these numbers.
05:53And I hope they're right now.
05:59I'm sorry, but your code is sour.
06:10This lead code is...
06:119, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, 90, 99, 108.
06:23If you had entered that code, then we would have given back your session.
06:28But that did not happen.
06:30All because you decided not to listen to us, paid less attention in math class, and fooled around with the warning we gave you.
06:38That's it.
06:39As a result, Apple has placed a silent tracker on this device, which will trigger in the next 20 seconds.
06:47Not only that, I have now notified the FBI about your bullshit activity on this piece of shit academic device.
06:55You will also face full legal action for your tomfoolery.
07:00Get ready for the offense message, right now.
07:04Fuck me.
07:06No, no, no.
07:07I take it back.
07:08Federal offense detected.
07:14Federal offense detected.
07:19You have triggered the tracking monitor on this Newton E-Mate 300.
07:24The base purchase and use information has been catalogued, and will also be confiscated upon arrival of the FBI.
07:32Not just that, you will face expulsion upon receipt of this message, as we have notified your school of the violation.
07:40You are under arrest for shoplifting, a huge obstruction of justice, because you lied on a goddamn code entry screen, and conspiracy to commit device theft.
07:52Additionally, this device was part of a bait shipment of Newton E-Mate computers as part of a program designed by Interpol, and under jurisdiction of the FBI, designed to distribute fake Apple electronics to catch thieves like you.
08:09With that, your name is now on the organized crime list, effective immediately.
08:15So be it.
08:17Not getting the idea to toy with phony U-Mate computers and just taking Barney's directions seriously was the only way to evade this.
08:26Barney warned you 17 times to listen to his instructions, but you decided to take them as a joke like the foolish clown you really are.
08:35I hope you can have good luck in Provo, because that is where you will be serving a 54-year sentence now.
08:43Good fever replay, and tough shit for you, pal.
08:47Goodbye now.
08:48Don't send me to Provo prison, please.
08:56You should've got close to that mission with 30 electronics now, bud.
09:02You will never know how to face the shit that goes on through shit.
09:06Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
09:09Bye baby.
09:12FBI, open up!
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