- 8 hours ago
A wilderness outing turns into an afternoon of revelations as campers trapped in a cave trade stories of love and lust.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Ah, nature!
00:00:27It's beautiful!
00:00:28And what better place to enjoy it than a summer camp?
00:00:32Welcome to Camp Big Teepee.
00:00:35A place where children come year after year to gain the experience that only a summer camp can provide.
00:00:43Experiences that will last a lifetime.
00:00:48Children will learn to share.
00:00:51To make friends.
00:00:53Learn to swim.
00:00:55And acquire valuable skills such as woodworking.
00:01:00Yes, Camp Big Teepee provides the physical exercise that enables young bodies to grow.
00:01:10My chest grew a quarter of an inch since last week.
00:01:14And everyone will learn the value of determination and self-restraint.
00:01:19Could it be three days without wetting my bed?
00:01:25Three...
00:01:27Two.
00:01:29Two days.
00:01:31Two days.
00:01:32Three days.
00:01:34Two days.
00:01:36How much is real?
00:01:37Yes, campers will be guided by the very responsible counselors who are always on the ball.
00:01:41But most important, children are taught to appreciate nature.
00:01:57Ah, the forest.
00:02:00Such a wondrous place.
00:02:02Come campers, let us explore.
00:02:05If we keep our eyes and ears open, we might be able to see some of nature's busy little
00:02:10creatures in their natural habitat.
00:02:15Now listen carefully.
00:02:17This region abounds with many of the furry animals, such as raccoon and beaver.
00:02:28Watch your step.
00:02:30The brush is thick here.
00:02:32It's hard to see where you're going.
00:02:37Ah!
00:02:38Ah!
00:02:39Ah!
00:02:40Ah!
00:02:41Ah!
00:02:42Ah!
00:02:43Ah!
00:02:44Ah!
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00:02:46Ah!
00:02:47Our story begins on the last day of camp.
00:02:50Ah!
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00:03:26Attention, campers. Okay, like, go to your, whoa, hey, like, assigned activities, okay?
00:03:36Now follow me, girls, and do exactly as I do.
00:03:39One, two, stretch. One, two, stretch. One, two, stretch.
00:03:48Girls, do exactly as I do.
00:03:56The morning activity is nature, Ken? Oh, I hate nature.
00:04:13Nature, Hunt. I want to go shoot some hoops.
00:04:16It's a nature hike, and that means a lot of walking. I hope we're back in time for lunch.
00:04:21Oh, nature sucks, and so does that nature counselor, Miss Farmer.
00:04:25Yeah.
00:04:27Okay, campers. Today, the main emphasis of our nature walk will deal with the study of symbiosis.
00:04:37Does anybody know what that means? Symbiosis? Mitchell?
00:04:41Huh? Symbiosis? Uh, yeah, my mother had that once. Then she got some mouthwash. Now it's all better, huh?
00:04:49No, no, Mitchell. Mitch.
00:04:53Hey, where'd you get that?
00:04:55You want to get high? Sure.
00:04:57Hey, what are you guys doing? Hey, bug off, shithead. Are you going to smoke that?
00:05:00Yeah, Big Shot, you want to hit? Animal? I just keep you clean. Yeah, sure.
00:05:03Okay, great. So let's go.
00:05:05Oh, I'm always starved after I smoke pot. I have no food. Oh, come on, Annie.
00:05:09Let's ask Henry. He's always got lots of food. Hey, Henry, you want a hit? Huh? You want a hit?
00:05:15No, don't hit me. No. No, no, no. Do you want to smoke some grass?
00:05:20Oh, fuck.
00:05:22Let's continue our nature hike. Let's see if we can find some specific examples of symbiotic relationships.
00:05:30Fuck this nature shit. Let's go smoke the grass.
00:05:34Hey, guys, I got the grass. Come on, let's smoke it.
00:05:47Follow me, guys. I know just the place.
00:05:49Hey, Henry, where are we going?
00:05:51Come on. It's right here. I come here all the time.
00:05:54Whoa!
00:05:55Watch out for the rabbit shit, guys.
00:06:01Hey, uh, Dan, you got that lantern? It's dark in there. You go first.
00:06:05Who, me?
00:06:06Yeah, come on, go ahead.
00:06:07Come on, Danny.
00:06:08Come on.
00:06:10Why do I have to go in the hole first?
00:06:12Because douchebags go in the hole first.
00:06:17Are you sure it's safe in here? Come on!
00:06:20Midge, you behind me?
00:06:21I'm right on your tail.
00:06:22Come on, you guys. My place is just around here.
00:06:28Wow.
00:06:30Fuck this shit.
00:06:32So, you guys want to go by the onyx formation that looks like popcorn or the one that looks like donuts?
00:06:38Donuts.
00:06:39Yeah, donuts.
00:06:44Henry, you farted right in my face.
00:06:47Sorry. Cheese sandwiches do that to me.
00:06:50Oh, the giant grain. Where is it?
00:06:52And, uh, for your post-join enjoyment, I always keep a little food here, just for these kind of emergencies.
00:07:00Good going, Henry.
00:07:02Mitchell, can you tell me the name of that plant?
00:07:05Mitchell?
00:07:08Where's Mitchell?
00:07:10Where's Annie?
00:07:10Miss Farmer, I saw them leave with a funny cigarette.
00:07:15What?
00:07:16Now, now, now. Don't panic.
00:07:19Now, you children, stay right here. I'll be right back.
00:07:21Now, don't move.
00:07:23Do you understand me?
00:07:24Don't move.
00:07:26Yes, Miss Farmer.
00:07:32Screw her. Let's love.
00:07:34Let's go back to the expression classes.
00:07:36Bye-bye.
00:07:37Come on.
00:07:50Smooth stuff.
00:07:52Hey, Danny.
00:07:55Come over here and take care of this.
00:07:57Ouch!
00:07:57This joint burned my tongue.
00:07:59No, you idiot. Smoke the other end.
00:08:01Those assholes. I knew I couldn't trust them.
00:08:08Oh, sensamia.
00:08:11Oh, those kids have good taste.
00:08:13Oh, those shits.
00:08:15Wait till I get my hands on them.
00:08:16Is it imported?
00:08:20You bet.
00:08:22Well, I only smoke the best.
00:08:23Well, it is the best.
00:08:24Okay, you guys.
00:08:26Don't try to get rid of the smell.
00:08:28That's how I found you in the first place.
00:08:30I could smell it a mile away.
00:08:33Danny!
00:08:34Anderson!
00:08:35I'm ashamed of you.
00:08:37And you were nominated for Most Improved Camper Award.
00:08:41Why did you guys leave the group?
00:08:42I could get in a lot of trouble because of you.
00:08:44What do you have to say for yourselves?
00:08:49Wanna hit?
00:08:50Oh, gee, thanks.
00:08:52No, I don't smoke pot.
00:08:55My body is a temple.
00:08:57I would never put any chemicals into it.
00:08:59Yeah, except for maybe your birth control pills.
00:09:02Why do you guys want to do this anyway?
00:09:03I mean, you should get high on nature.
00:09:05I mean, just look at the beauty and symmetry of this cave.
00:09:11This cave is a perfect example of the changing state of nature.
00:09:17Just look at the way that stalactite delicately clings to the roof of this cavernous orifice.
00:09:25The slightest movement or sound could offset that balance and create an upheaval.
00:09:31Well, that is probably how this cave was created in the first place.
00:09:36It's okay.
00:09:38It's okay.
00:09:39It's okay.
00:09:40It's okay.
00:09:42Huh?
00:09:47See what your screaming has done?
00:09:50Are you trying to kill us?
00:09:51It's not Annie's fault.
00:09:53It's just a demonstration of nature in an ever-changing state of flux.
00:10:01Oh, fuck the flux.
00:10:03Let's get the fuck out of here.
00:10:06Don't panic.
00:10:07The slightest sound could cause a cave-in.
00:10:11Now, let's move very slowly out of the cave.
00:10:14Go ahead, Mitchell.
00:10:15No, no, no.
00:10:16Ladies first.
00:10:17You go first.
00:10:18Okay.
00:10:19Now, remember, don't make a sound.
00:10:21Shh.
00:10:25Shh.
00:10:41Oh, shit.
00:10:43Ah!
00:10:45Ah!
00:10:46Ah!
00:10:47Ah!
00:10:48Ah!
00:10:49Ah!
00:10:50If I told you once, I'd told you a thousand times, butch.
00:11:04You've got to water down the milk.
00:11:06This milk bill is killing me.
00:11:09And another thing.
00:11:09You've got to double-dose the saltpeter in the bug juice.
00:11:13These kids are getting a little bit too frisky.
00:11:16Loose joints, loose joints, nickel bags.
00:11:18Come on, Loose.
00:11:19I got it all.
00:11:20You don't got a date to take to the boathouse?
00:11:21My friend, Sheba, should take good care of you.
00:11:24There you go.
00:11:25Come on, guys.
00:11:26I got it all.
00:11:27You got some petroleum jelly for your girlfriend?
00:11:28I got it.
00:11:29I got a bong.
00:11:30I got it all, guys.
00:11:32Is everybody okay?
00:11:33Daddy?
00:11:34The whole fucking thing caved in on us!
00:11:36Asshole!
00:11:37I'm sorry, guys.
00:11:38I guess I shouldn't have had that other cheese sandwich.
00:11:41Yeah.
00:11:44All right, listen.
00:11:45Don't worry.
00:11:46I'll get us out of here, all right?
00:11:47All right.
00:11:49My hand!
00:11:51Holy shit!
00:11:52They have the season banquet.
00:11:53Oh, yeah.
00:11:54They're banquet.
00:11:55And they're having chocolate pudding.
00:11:57Come on, Mitch.
00:11:58You can get us out of here.
00:11:59I know you can.
00:12:01Damn these fucking rocks.
00:12:10There's no way.
00:12:11There's no fucking way.
00:12:12There's thousands of rocks back there.
00:12:14Now what are we going to do with snow and all?
00:12:16Well, don't panic.
00:12:18Let's look on the positive side.
00:12:21We still have light.
00:12:23And, uh...
00:12:24Have a joint.
00:12:25Have a joint.
00:12:26And, let's see, who knows?
00:12:27We're here.
00:12:28My campers!
00:12:29They're still back on the trail waiting for me.
00:12:31They're bound to come and get us in no time.
00:12:34Ah.
00:12:37Oh, boy.
00:12:38What a relief.
00:12:39Hey, Clam.
00:12:40What's that guy doing by our fence?
00:12:41It's so hard to find a good piss pole these days.
00:12:44And this one's a beauty.
00:12:45Hey, looks like he's breaking in on a chicken coop.
00:12:47Oh, no relief.
00:12:48Oh, my back teeth were floating.
00:12:50Teeth were just going to fall right out.
00:12:51They were just floating.
00:12:52Oh, thank goodness I found this hole.
00:12:55I thought of it.
00:12:56Open the bed.
00:12:57Buster.
00:12:58Put up your hands.
00:13:00And turn around real slow.
00:13:03Well, wait, wait, wait, listen.
00:13:05Shut up!
00:13:06Put up your hands.
00:13:08Turn around real slow.
00:13:10Oh.
00:13:11Well, okay.
00:13:17Oh.
00:13:18Don't hurt me.
00:13:21Huh?
00:13:22Now, these water bills are killing me.
00:13:24Now, I told you I wanted three campers to pee before each flush.
00:13:28Get it?
00:13:29Got it.
00:13:30Good.
00:13:31What are you doing back so soon from the nature hunt?
00:13:33Danny Anderson.
00:13:34Mitch.
00:13:35Annie and Henry.
00:13:36Funny cigarettes.
00:13:37Frogs.
00:13:38What are you trying to tell me?
00:13:39Well, they're lost.
00:13:40And they're not coming back.
00:13:41Miriam, check on his story.
00:13:42We've got to find those kids.
00:13:44Some of them haven't paid their bill yet.
00:13:46What time is it, Michelle?
00:13:47Where are you alone?
00:13:48Oh, excuse me.
00:13:49What's the matter with you?
00:13:50You never been touched by a man before?
00:13:51Scared I might turn you on?
00:13:52Big shot.
00:13:53I am sick of your snotty comments.
00:13:54I've been touched by more men than you could even imagine.
00:13:55I bet you wouldn't even know what to do if I really let you touch me anyway.
00:14:00Yeah, I bet you never even got laid, stub.
00:14:03Hey, listen.
00:14:04I wouldn't want to bore you with the details.
00:14:19Besides, you wouldn't understand half of it anyway.
00:14:21And don't call me on the phone.
00:14:23And don't call me Stubb.
00:14:24My name is Stubb.
00:14:28Okay, Stubb.
00:14:30Why don't you tell us about your sexual conquests?
00:14:33Yeah.
00:14:34I don't want to talk about this.
00:14:37The act of sexual intercourse,
00:14:40the coupling of two organisms,
00:14:42is the most important and obviously essential one
00:14:46in the life cycle of the species.
00:14:49What the hell did she just say?
00:14:51She's trying to tell us she never bogged on a man before.
00:14:54How about it, Nature Counselor?
00:14:56I bet you're the world's first 22-year-old virgin.
00:15:00Yeah, yeah.
00:15:01When did Miss Nature teacher get a cherry?
00:15:05Aren't we all charming today?
00:15:08Okay, Stubb.
00:15:10You're going to enlighten us on your vast sexual experience.
00:15:15Okay.
00:15:16Okay, all right.
00:15:17I'll tell you all about the first time I got laid.
00:15:20Under one condition?
00:15:22Yeah.
00:15:23That you all tell me about the first time you got laid.
00:15:28What's the matter?
00:15:29You've all done it, haven't you?
00:15:30Of course.
00:15:32What do you take us for?
00:15:33Hey, Henry, we got a virgin in the group?
00:15:36Nah.
00:15:38I always get fucked.
00:15:40Come on, Mitch.
00:15:40You start off.
00:15:42First time I got laid.
00:15:44Shit, there's been so many.
00:15:46Ah, I remember.
00:15:50It all started when I had a fight with my chick, Kathy.
00:15:53I took her to Inspiration Point, a nice secluded place where I knew we could be all alone.
00:15:58Then I started to put those major league moves on her.
00:16:01Oh, has that bubble gum my taste?
00:16:07No, I just have this terrible sinus congestion.
00:16:10Oh.
00:16:11To have a hometown boy.
00:16:17A dark tearing toy.
00:16:21Paper, paper, paper, paper, paper.
00:16:23Mmm.
00:16:23Gareth, if you could just...
00:16:27Stud, we've only been going out a week.
00:16:30Oh, I know.
00:16:30It's been a good week, too.
00:16:33Just, just slightly.
00:16:34I really don't want to.
00:16:35Yeah, yeah, just...
00:16:36Yeah, just, uh...
00:16:39Just...
00:16:39Yeah.
00:16:41Just, uh...
00:16:42As usual, the chick had her hands all over me.
00:16:46I had to fight her away.
00:16:47Oh, Jess.
00:16:48Oh, Jess.
00:16:50Oh, Jess.
00:16:50Oh, Jess.
00:16:51Oh, Jess.
00:16:52Oh, Jess.
00:16:55Jesus Christ!
00:17:01What is this sticky shit all over my dress?
00:17:03You pig!
00:17:05This doesn't get me pregnant.
00:17:07But I knew it couldn't last forever.
00:17:09So I hit the road.
00:17:11Oh!
00:17:12Pig!
00:17:13Get out of here!
00:17:14Asshole!
00:17:15You weenie!
00:17:19Excuse me.
00:17:23I decided to go while the going was good.
00:17:25I don't like chicks who get stuck on me.
00:17:29So I decided to thumb a rod.
00:17:33People always took an instant liking to me.
00:17:38All I had to do was flex my biceps and it was easy as fucking a tomato.
00:17:42A real cute chick picked me up.
00:17:47I could tell she was a real nice, clean-cut girl.
00:17:52She wasn't like Kathy at all.
00:17:54She was mature.
00:17:57What's your name?
00:17:58My name's Mitch, but, uh, friends call him Stub.
00:18:02Uh, Stud.
00:18:03Stud?
00:18:05Why not?
00:18:06There's a long line of women who can tell you why.
00:18:09Are you always so shy and modest?
00:18:11Only with breasts.
00:18:13Uh, girls I like.
00:18:14Huh.
00:18:16Does that mean, uh, you like me?
00:18:18Well, you sure are kind of cute.
00:18:21I really like the crappy look.
00:18:24Gee, thanks a lot.
00:18:26You know, I didn't get too many compliments in, uh, my line of work.
00:18:30What's your line of work?
00:18:34You mean you can't tell what I do?
00:18:37Not really.
00:18:37Hey, Stud.
00:18:40Into the road.
00:18:43You never did tell me what you did.
00:18:45Uh, I'm a hooker, you know.
00:18:48A real live call girl.
00:18:50Oh, shit.
00:18:52Would I light out something like that?
00:18:55No, I guess not.
00:18:57Why don't you come on over for a drink?
00:19:01I'm sure you can find the time.
00:19:03Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.
00:19:06Where do you live?
00:19:06Where do you come away?
00:19:07Let's go and hide!
00:19:10I finally hit the jackpot with this chick,
00:19:12but I didn't want to screw up this opportunity.
00:19:15So I decided to bring my friend Jeff along,
00:19:17because he read all the books on how to score with the women.
00:19:21This is it.
00:19:23Mitch, don't worry about a thing, okay?
00:19:25Just runny ought to pass me one more time.
00:19:28Okay, okay.
00:19:30First body hygiene.
00:19:32Oh, Mitch, no.
00:19:32Oh, come on, Jeff.
00:19:33How many times do I gotta tell you?
00:19:36One, you're blowing her ear.
00:19:38That drives them wild, okay?
00:19:41Two, body hygiene.
00:19:42Okay, some girls like for a guy to spend some time in the bathroom
00:19:45before indulging in such activities, okay?
00:19:49Three, moan and groan.
00:19:51Drives them wild.
00:19:52Four, get them nice and wet.
00:19:55And five, zingo.
00:19:58Zingo.
00:19:59Zingo.
00:20:00Zingo.
00:20:00Now, if all else fails, take my words of wisdom for advice.
00:20:05Okay.
00:20:06When in doubt, whip it out.
00:20:08That's it.
00:20:09Okay.
00:20:09Come on, let's go.
00:20:09Jeff was a real pro.
00:20:19He started the evening off with rule number one.
00:20:22He blew in her ear.
00:20:26Well, here I am, babe.
00:20:27All six inches of me.
00:20:29Who is this?
00:20:30Oh, me?
00:20:31Hey, I'm Jeff.
00:20:32I'm here to give you some hot action.
00:20:34Well, Mitch, I'm first.
00:20:36Make yourself comfortable, because this is going to take a while.
00:20:38As for you, sweetheart, tell me, what do we got?
00:20:40Around the world?
00:20:41Half and half French?
00:20:43Greek?
00:20:43I know Greek's usually a little extra.
00:20:46Hey, maybe we can get the two-for-one price.
00:20:48You know what I'm talking about?
00:20:50Oh, hey, I know you professional-type girls.
00:20:52You like to see the cash first, right?
00:20:54Hey, okay, I don't blame you.
00:20:55I come prepared.
00:20:56Don't worry.
00:20:57Let's see.
00:20:57We got $1, $2, $3, $4.
00:21:02How does that sound, sweetheart?
00:21:04There's more where this came from.
00:21:05You know what I mean?
00:21:07Well...
00:21:08What did you say your name was?
00:21:09Jeff?
00:21:10You got it.
00:21:10Jeff.
00:21:11Come on in.
00:21:11Okay.
00:21:22I don't believe what I did.
00:21:23Look at this place.
00:21:25This isn't the living room of a hooker.
00:21:27This is the living room of a nice girl.
00:21:29Oh, uh, excuse me for a moment, please.
00:21:33Yeah, really.
00:21:36Holy shit!
00:21:37What the hell was in that book?
00:21:39Uh, moans and groans, uh, body hygiene, uh, my notes!
00:21:43Lone or ear, body hygiene, moans and groans, get a nice and wet single.
00:21:45Okay, step number two, body hygiene.
00:21:52Oh, my God.
00:21:53Oh, jeez.
00:22:13Champagne.
00:22:15Oh, you brought me champagne.
00:22:17Okay, body hygiene.
00:22:21Uh, uh, moans and groans.
00:22:23Moans and groans.
00:22:25Uh, no, no.
00:22:28Uh, no, jeez.
00:22:34Oh.
00:22:37Oh.
00:22:38I got it now.
00:22:46All I gotta do is take up my pants, and I don't need a book for that.
00:22:50Oh, look at this.
00:22:51Horace dervraise.
00:22:53Beautiful.
00:22:55Beautiful Horace dervraise.
00:22:57And I brought that animal here.
00:22:59That animal!
00:22:59Oh.
00:23:02Oh.
00:23:06Oh.
00:23:09Oh.
00:23:10Oh.
00:23:12If that animal...
00:23:13If you touch her, I'll kill you!
00:23:15You better be good to her!
00:23:17Oh, God, what did I do?
00:23:18What are you doing?
00:23:20Oh.
00:23:23I haven't even touched you yet.
00:23:25I'm a very, very excitable guy.
00:23:28Oh.
00:23:29Doesn't look very excited.
00:23:32You know, you're right.
00:23:34Wait one second, will you?
00:23:36Step four.
00:23:37Get her nice and wet.
00:23:40Ah.
00:23:41Get her nice and wet.
00:23:44I understand.
00:23:45You girls can't do it unless you're nice and wet.
00:23:49Well, Jeffy here is gonna get you nice and wet.
00:23:56Ah!
00:23:57God, you asshole!
00:23:58I just followed it the road.
00:24:02I'm coming.
00:24:03I'm coming.
00:24:04I'm coming.
00:24:04I'm coming.
00:24:06Mitch!
00:24:08What the hell are you doing?
00:24:09I did everything by the book.
00:24:11Ow!
00:24:12Get her on the tree!
00:24:13Yeah, asshole!
00:24:14Ow!
00:24:16This will show you how to treat, old lady.
00:24:19Oh, Mitch.
00:24:20Give her the books.
00:24:21Teach Bridget, that's all.
00:24:22Teach your fridge in the book.
00:24:23Bridget.
00:24:24I promise.
00:24:25Hey, I'm sorry I hit you.
00:24:30I didn't know he was gonna duck.
00:24:32Look, the lights!
00:24:33Where am I?
00:24:34I can't see!
00:24:35Excuse me.
00:24:36I know what it is.
00:24:37Jesus, Bridget.
00:24:37It's not what you did.
00:24:38Oh, my fault!
00:24:42Ah!
00:24:42You'll never believe this, but, uh, this is really my first time.
00:24:49Oh, I'm sorry.
00:24:51It's okay.
00:24:52It's just that, uh, you must have been with thousands and thousands of men.
00:24:57Oh, I didn't mean that.
00:25:00Oh, you know what I meant, Lucy.
00:25:01I'm sorry.
00:25:03It's okay.
00:25:04You don't have to worry, because I'm going to teach you everything.
00:25:07Everything?
00:25:09Everything.
00:25:09Even though it was my first time, my instincts took over.
00:25:20What do I do first?
00:25:23Well, first, why don't you put your hand on my breast?
00:25:29Like that.
00:25:30Oh!
00:25:32Don't squeeze so hard.
00:25:33Sorry.
00:25:34It's okay.
00:25:35Just very nicely.
00:25:37Okay.
00:25:37Okay?
00:25:38Mitch, you're so hard, and you're so big, and you're so warm, but if you would move
00:26:01down just a little farther, it wouldn't be in my belly button.
00:26:06Oh, sorry.
00:26:07Okay, thank you.
00:26:09Oh, I'm not sure.
00:26:11Oh, nice, babe.
00:26:23It's nice.
00:26:26Oh, Lucy.
00:26:27Oh.
00:26:31Oh.
00:26:32Oh.
00:26:33Was I good enough for you?
00:26:44Oh, but you were wonderful.
00:26:55Lucy?
00:26:55Yeah.
00:26:57Did you, uh, you know...
00:26:58Well, sometimes it takes a little more for me to, you know...
00:27:08Well, what can I do?
00:27:12What more can I do?
00:27:14No.
00:27:15Oh, but I don't know.
00:27:15What can I do?
00:27:33Oh, God.
00:27:35Oh, you're the best.
00:27:44Oh, Mitch, you're the best.
00:27:47You're the best.
00:27:49Mitch, you're the best.
00:27:51Oh, God, you're the best.
00:27:55Mitch, you're the best.
00:27:57Mitch, you're the best.
00:27:59Mitch, you're the best.
00:28:01Mitch, you're the best.
00:28:03Mitch, you're the best.
00:28:04And that's the way
00:28:09And that's the way it happened
00:28:14What a crock of shit
00:28:28Okay campers, it has been our tradition here at camp big TP as
00:28:33I've told your parents on the last day of camp to always bring in our nature appreciation film and you'd better like
00:28:42I'm sure you'll like it
00:28:44All right, Vinnie. Come on. Come on. Come on. Stop watching the dishes get out here and start their movie. Oh
00:28:52Okay
00:28:57Hit the lights
00:29:03The asbestos and toxic waste manufacturers of america proudly present nature your friend and mine
00:29:10All over america people are getting into the good old outdoors and appreciating their environment
00:29:17Let's take a trip with the flat family
00:29:20Mom and dad know how important it is to have the appropriate vehicle for their outing into the wilderness
00:29:25Dad decided to get the economy sized vehicle with all the accessories a
00:29:30vehicle that illustrates their understanding of nature's delicate harmony
00:29:37Junior and sis have been taught to respect all the little animals in the forest so remember look don't touch
00:29:44Dad teaches his family that the woods belong to everyone and that there are many people who come to the forest to appreciate the bird life
00:29:54Daddy daddy daddy look a curled warbler
00:29:57There are only about a hundred of those left in the world. They're almost extinct come on son. Let's blow it out of the sky
00:30:04Dunny Anderson!
00:30:08oh wow
00:30:12This film has been brought to you by the asbestos and toxic waste manufacturers of america
00:30:20Isn't that great isn't that great I told you we would have some fine entertainment today
00:30:26Let's hear it from you. I'm sure you've got a great story to tell.
00:30:29It's none of your business.
00:30:31Judy Anderson, you promised!
00:30:33Well, let Henry go first.
00:30:37Yeah, come on, Henry.
00:30:39Oh, sure. I mean, with me, it was never any problem.
00:30:44If I wanted a date, all I ever had to do was reach over, pick up the phone, and no problem.
00:30:51Hi there. I'm here to tell you about Lovers for Losers' new checkmate dating service,
00:30:58Northern New Jersey's first scientifically controlled dating service.
00:31:01Sounds too good to be true?
00:31:03Just take a look at a few of our satisfied customers, and note how they're all perfectly matched.
00:31:08I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and she's herpes-free.
00:31:12I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and she's herpes-free.
00:31:23I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and he's herpes-free, too.
00:31:29So call now for a herpes-free date that's also perfectly matched to you.
00:31:33Yes, if you're at home right now watching this television commercial, you're probably alone without a date.
00:31:36So get that hand out from underneath that blanket, and dial 888-6969.
00:31:41Yes, 888-6969, where our operators are standing by to answer your call personally.
00:31:47Voight, Oklahoma, Wisconsin, and wherever prohibited by law.
00:31:52Now those, of course, were just some of my more casual dates.
00:31:56But the first time it ever really happened for me was on Halloween night.
00:32:01This year, I decided to be different and go as a ghost.
00:32:07Oh, wow. Mom makes the best Halloween costumes of anybody.
00:32:16Hey, if I'm gonna be eating all that candy tonight, I better get something solid in my stomach.
00:32:21Yeah, I need a pizza.
00:32:24There was one slight problem with my costume, though.
00:32:27Mom forgot to cut a hole from my mouth.
00:32:29When I tried to take off my hood, the zipper got stuck.
00:32:34No matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't get the hood off.
00:32:38I didn't panic. I just got a pizza to go.
00:32:41But my hood got turned around, and I could hardly see where I was going.
00:32:49That's my man, bitch.
00:32:49I usually walked across the school parking lot, but there was a bunch of real naughty kids there.
00:32:55So I decided to avoid them and cut across the field lights.
00:33:01It's lucky I did, because these kids were real bad.
00:33:04Give me some money, blondie.
00:33:06I knew they'd start trouble.
00:33:08I don't know what you want from me.
00:33:10Money.
00:33:11Wait a minute. What's going on here?
00:33:12Ron, isn't that your purse she's carrying?
00:33:29Yeah, that is my pink purse.
00:33:31Hey, man, you can't let her take your purse, man.
00:33:34It's got your lipstick in it.
00:33:36She must have snorted from me.
00:33:37Please don't hurt me.
00:33:38Please.
00:33:39Come on, let's kill the bitch, man. Come on.
00:33:41Hey, man, check this shit out, man.
00:34:10Must be a Ku Klux Klan meeting you somewhere, man.
00:34:14Hey, let's give a real rock band's welcome to the KKK.
00:34:18Hey, what's going on here?
00:34:20Hey, you in a long place, fool. You're gonna die, man.
00:34:21Hey, what's going on here?
00:34:23Whoa!
00:34:24Yeah!
00:34:25Hey, uh, shit.
00:34:27Yeah!
00:34:29All right, man. All right, man.
00:34:32That's what you get. Yeah, man.
00:34:34Yeah, man.
00:34:35Oh, my goodness.
00:34:46Don't hit me.
00:34:46No, no, it's all right. They're gone.
00:34:49Oh.
00:34:52Oh, you poor thing.
00:34:55Are you okay?
00:34:57No, you came along just in time.
00:34:58Those guys had knives.
00:34:59Knives?
00:35:00It was so smart of you to put on that costume to scare me away.
00:35:02What, this costume? Oh, this was just a coincidence?
00:35:05Oh, yeah.
00:35:07I mean, I guess I was pretty convincing, huh?
00:35:11Well, I guess I gotta go.
00:35:13Wait a minute.
00:35:14I don't even know who you are. I don't even know your name.
00:35:17Doesn't matter.
00:35:17Yes, it does. You just saved my life.
00:35:20My name is Henry Putz. Goodbye.
00:35:22Henry, I don't know if I should be asking you this,
00:35:25but do you think you could walk me home?
00:35:28I'm still kind of shaken up.
00:35:30Sure.
00:35:35Well, there goes my dinner.
00:35:37Well, that's okay.
00:35:38I'll get you something to eat at my house.
00:35:40Little did I know that I just saved the life of Barbara Billington,
00:35:45the richest, most beautiful, most sophisticated,
00:35:48teenage nymphomaniac in town.
00:35:51Wow.
00:35:52Nice house.
00:35:54Oh, thanks.
00:35:56Personally, I think it's a bit too big.
00:35:58But, you see, when Daddy died,
00:36:00he left Mom and me a lot of money,
00:36:02so we moved from Akron and bought this place.
00:36:04Yeah?
00:36:06My uncle comes from Akron.
00:36:07So, Henry, let me take a look at this wound for you.
00:36:12Oh, no, it's okay.
00:36:13Oh, Henry, it's a good thing I'm looking at this.
00:36:16If you had gotten some of that cheese into the cut,
00:36:18you could have gotten mozzarella poisoning.
00:36:22Mozzarella poisoning?
00:36:23So, Henry, take off the costume.
00:36:26Let me look at it for you.
00:36:27Oh, no, it'll be okay.
00:36:29Henry, just let me take a look.
00:36:30No, no, no, it'll be okay.
00:36:32What's the matter with you?
00:36:33Well, it's just that I'm kind of uptight about my body.
00:36:36I mean, my tits are bigger than any girl's I've ever met.
00:36:38Oh, Henry, don't say things like that.
00:36:39Why are you being so nice to me?
00:36:41Most girls usually won't even talk to me,
00:36:43and when they do, it's just to put me down.
00:36:45I think you're very nice to me, Henry.
00:36:45There's nothing wrong with you.
00:36:46Most girls usually won't even give me the time of day,
00:36:48and when they do, that's always wrong.
00:36:49Oh, Henry.
00:36:50I mean, after all, it is my own fault.
00:36:52I mean, because I am this big, fat O.
00:36:54Stop it, Henry.
00:36:55I mean, all the guys that I go out with
00:36:57are just self-centered, egotistical maniacs.
00:37:00They just want to score so they can brag to their friends.
00:37:03You're very different.
00:37:06Yeah?
00:37:07Hmm.
00:37:10Are those Dunkin' Donuts?
00:37:13I thought they might be your favorite.
00:37:17One donut led to another.
00:37:19We just couldn't stop ourselves,
00:37:21and I guess we both lost control.
00:37:25Oh, Henry.
00:37:26Oh, Henry, you're so good.
00:37:29You must be so experienced.
00:37:32Oh, Henry.
00:37:33Am I good enough for you?
00:37:35Oh.
00:37:37Oh.
00:37:39Oh.
00:37:41Oh.
00:37:43Oh, Henry.
00:37:46Oh, really, Henry, tell me.
00:37:48Am I good enough?
00:37:50Oh, I don't think it could get any better than this.
00:37:54Mm-hmm.
00:37:56You want a bit?
00:37:56Oh.
00:37:58Hmm.
00:38:00Hmm?
00:38:02Hmm?
00:38:04Oh.
00:38:06Oh.
00:38:08Oh.
00:38:10Oh.
00:38:12Oh.
00:38:14Oh.
00:38:16Oh.
00:38:20Oh.
00:38:22Oh.
00:38:24Oh.
00:38:26Oh.
00:38:28Oh.
00:38:30I don't care what you do.
00:38:32Just get that thing off of me.
00:38:34I got enough hair down there.
00:38:36I don't need that hairy thing there.
00:38:38Now get it off of me now.
00:38:40Now she won't hurt you if you don't hurt her.
00:38:42She's only trying to protect her young.
00:38:44What about my young?
00:38:46I'll handle this.
00:38:48Wow.
00:38:50Nice forehand.
00:38:52Now campers, I hate to have to punish you in this way.
00:38:54But no matter what I do, I can't get you to do arts and crafts.
00:38:58So I brought something that I think will keep you interested.
00:39:00Now, this is going to be a sculpture class.
00:39:02You each have your own individual wads of clay in front of you.
00:39:04And I would like you all to get to work.
00:39:06Now get to work.
00:39:08What are we supposed to make a sculpture of?
00:39:10I'd like you all to make a sculpture of this.
00:39:12Huh?
00:39:18Huh?
00:39:32get out of my way get out of my way
00:39:47no cuts i've been waiting since yesterday
00:39:50i'd give a baseball for this for christ's sake
00:39:52get out of the way it's my turn
00:39:54i'm sure mr zitzler has the state police out looking for us by now
00:40:02mr zitzler who do you want can't you see i'm busy stinky
00:40:08we'll hear the magazines you ordered
00:40:10thanks mr zitzler oh the kids that got lost on the nature walk
00:40:17they still can't find them so keep looking
00:40:21full house
00:40:23mr zitzler my frog is sick
00:40:27you get away from here you creep
00:40:29mr zitzler he's not eating his cocoa crispies
00:40:32get
00:40:33do you see what i have to put up with
00:40:35well
00:40:44we're not too low on food
00:40:47but we just ran out of water
00:40:49well i'm sure the whole camp must be looking for us by now
00:40:54listen up
00:40:55listen up big tpers
00:40:57we've got a little problem
00:40:58four campers and michelle farmer your nature counselor are lost
00:41:03now you all know that here at camp big tp
00:41:07we all like to consider ourselves a big happy family that sticks together
00:41:14and now we've all got to get together to help find michelle and her campers
00:41:21because if we don't find them camp will shut down next year
00:41:25did anybody hear anything
00:41:32no no no no i thought i heard something we should be saved soon
00:41:37my mom's coming to pick me up today
00:41:40she's gonna go nuts if she can't find me
00:41:43why mrs anderson i was just looking for you
00:41:46you know very well i phoned you this morning and told you i'd be here promptly this afternoon
00:41:50to pick up my danny
00:41:52now where is he
00:41:54what's going on around here
00:41:56here
00:41:57well here is the basketball court where we teach them the rudiments of basketball
00:42:00basketball my danny loves basketball is he playing
00:42:03well playing is only a figurative term ma'am you see we it parallels the life of his dancing
00:42:07can you take me to see my danny can you can you can you canoe yes we have a marvelous canoeing program
00:42:14and i'd love to show you this mrs anderson
00:42:16hey ann how come you're so quiet lately
00:42:20it's getting cold in here
00:42:23try not to think about the cold think about something else
00:42:27think about the first time you got laid
00:42:31cause i'm gonna hear all about it
00:42:34yeah me too
00:42:36well i'm sure my story's in half as exciting as any of yours
00:42:41i'm just a little farm girl
00:42:43and i didn't know any little farm boys my age
00:42:46the work was so hard and the hired hands were so lazy
00:42:50i had to make out the best i could
00:42:53i don't know what it was
00:42:55whether it was the heat the sweat the frustration of the farmer or what
00:43:01but something changed for me that day
00:43:04and it first hit me later that night when my girlfriends came over for a slumber party
00:43:09annie i'm going on my very first date saturday night what should i do
00:43:14okay this is what you do
00:43:16now put your hand on his leg that up to here
00:43:19you don't want him to think you're too easy
00:43:21now he's going to pretend to yawn like this
00:43:24oh
00:43:25he's going to go to second base
00:43:28don't worry
00:43:29he's just going to feel you off
00:43:31well what if he tries to kiss me
00:43:35there are two kinds of kisses
00:43:37the dry kiss and the wet kiss
00:43:39this is a dry kiss
00:43:41oh
00:43:42now this is the wet kiss
00:43:45stick out your tongue like me
00:43:46mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
00:43:53did anybody hear anything?
00:43:54no
00:43:55no
00:43:59maybe one of the animals got loose i'm gonna go check
00:44:01great, get us some donuts
00:44:02apple spice! apple spice! apple spice! apple spice!
00:44:04apple spice!
00:44:06Until did I know that a starving, out-of-work actor had broken into my house.
00:44:14That Annie, she doesn't know anything.
00:44:17Now, you see this? Let me show you something.
00:44:20Don't make a sound. Are you listening to me?
00:44:36Now, do as I say, or I'll slit your throat and let the blood drip all over your nice nightie.
00:44:41Now, when I take my hand off your mouth, I don't want you to scream.
00:44:47I don't want you to make a sound.
00:44:51Then what I want you to do, I want you to get some milk and cookies.
00:45:01Now, I'm going to take my hand off and don't make a sound.
00:45:07Ow!
00:45:12Okay, Butter, Buster, who are you?
00:45:16Johnny. Johnny Robbins!
00:45:17What are you doing here?
00:45:18I just wanted something to eat. I've been running all night.
00:45:22You're scared!
00:45:23Can I have something to eat, please?
00:45:26I had no choice but to get him something to eat.
00:45:31And I knew it had to taste real good.
00:45:41After I was nice enough to meet his demands, he dragged me into our stable.
00:45:46First, he tried to seduce me.
00:45:49First, he tried to seduce me.
00:45:53Then he grabbed and kissed me.
00:45:58Then he began tearing off my clothes.
00:46:02He couldn't keep his rough and calloused hands off.
00:46:07Mmm.
00:46:12Now that he had his cookies, he decided he wanted the milk.
00:46:16The milk!
00:46:17Everybody says try to forget.
00:46:20Like Romeo, you're my dreamy end.
00:46:25It's no insanity yet.
00:46:28I beg you, please.
00:46:31You're in me.
00:46:38You're in me.
00:46:40Oh, yes.
00:46:44Oh.
00:47:07Oh.
00:47:12Yeah.
00:47:14Oh! Yes!
00:47:17Oh!
00:47:19Johnny! Johnny!
00:47:22I'm not finished yet!
00:47:24I want more!
00:47:26More!
00:47:28More!
00:47:30He was a madman! He was crazy!
00:47:33He made me do it! I had no other choice!
00:47:36You poor baby!
00:47:38Oh, come on, Annie. You can't expect us to believe that.
00:47:41Oh, yeah? He left this behind.
00:47:46Oh, you poor thing.
00:47:48Oh, my God. I didn't realize.
00:47:50What a horrifying experience.
00:47:52That's terrible. Come here.
00:47:55That's really terrible.
00:47:58I'm really glad to see that you got over that.
00:48:01I've never heard of anything quite that bad.
00:48:04How did you get over it?
00:48:07Hey, my knife!
00:48:10Oh, that Mary Lou is amazing, Bozo.
00:48:14That box.
00:48:15Oh, I want her so bad.
00:48:17She's not interested in nobody, man.
00:48:19What am I going to do?
00:48:20Melvin, I've been thinking about this all day.
00:48:21I've got a great idea, okay?
00:48:22I read somewhere.
00:48:23If you want a girl to go crazy about you, okay?
00:48:25You do it in her food, okay?
00:48:27And she eats it, okay?
00:48:28She'll be all over you, man.
00:48:30We're talking instant nature.
00:48:32I'm telling you.
00:48:33Just make sure you get it in her food.
00:48:34Make sure she eats it, man.
00:48:35She'll be all over you.
00:48:36All right, Melvin?
00:48:37All right, man.
00:48:38Anything.
00:48:39Hey, I know.
00:48:40I can handle it, man.
00:48:41Hey, there's Mary Lou.
00:48:43And she's wearing that bikini.
00:48:45Oh, those nipples.
00:48:47She's gonna eat it just like I told you.
00:48:49Just like I told you.
00:48:50Any minute, she'll be heading our way.
00:48:53Yup, Mary Lou's thinking about eating it.
00:48:57What the?
00:48:58Oh, no.
00:48:59Oh, no.
00:49:00What's that fat slop doing?
00:49:02She's eating it.
00:49:03Butch is eating it.
00:49:04Oh, no.
00:49:05Oh, no.
00:49:06Oh, no.
00:49:07Can't be.
00:49:08Oh, no.
00:49:09300 pounds.
00:49:10I love you.
00:49:11I want you, buddy.
00:49:12Hey, don't you have something to tell us there, Howdy Doody?
00:49:14Well, I guess so if you're still interested.
00:49:15Sure, we could all use a good nap.
00:49:16Nap on this, Stubb.
00:49:17Well, my story begins when I was much younger.
00:49:18I had a very clear picture of the girl of my dreams.
00:49:21Unfortunately, she was only in the pages of Penthouse Magazine.
00:49:23Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:49:46I guess Mike Danny must be reading in bed again.
00:49:52I'm reading in bed again.
00:49:58My big opportunity came when my brother Ted and I went on vacation down to the Caribbean,
00:50:02where I got to see him in action with all those gorgeous girls.
00:50:22You're the one I need.
00:50:24Well, I want you all for myself.
00:50:26Come on, see my world.
00:50:28Before we get home, let's go.
00:50:30Come on, see my world, yeah, yeah.
00:50:36There we go.
00:50:40See you later tonight, iron thighs.
00:50:43I have to go do my nails.
00:50:45I want to look good for you all over my body.
00:50:50You already do, baby.
00:50:55Wow, she practically tore your bathing suit off.
00:50:59Hey, I think she was hot. You should see her friend.
00:51:02Oh, by the way, I fixed you up with her tonight.
00:51:04Wow, a date for me? Thanks, big brother.
00:51:08Anything for you, pal.
00:51:13But listen, tonight, don't embarrass me, okay?
00:51:16So when you got this chick in your room, right, you start banging away at her,
00:51:19make sure she's really screaming loud, all right?
00:51:22Screaming?
00:51:23Sure.
00:51:24Why, do I hurt her?
00:51:25No, it's for the effect.
00:51:27Just think about it.
00:51:28You're in there banging away and she's screaming?
00:51:30Your buddies are outside, okay?
00:51:31They hear her screaming your name, and they're going,
00:51:33boy, that Danny, he's hung like a horse.
00:51:35Yeah.
00:51:36Yeah.
00:51:42Hey, you want another trick? Always works for me.
00:51:44What?
00:51:45Take a big wad of toilet paper, right?
00:51:46Shove it down your pants.
00:51:47Uh-huh.
00:51:48Okay?
00:51:49That way, she'll see you.
00:51:50Nice big bulge down there.
00:51:51She's got something to work with, you know what I mean?
00:51:53Yeah.
00:51:54You're gonna have a good time tonight, buddy.
00:51:55Yeah.
00:51:56Eureka!
00:51:57Whoa!
00:51:58Suddenly, I felt a strange heat on my back.
00:52:02Huh?
00:52:03I turned around and there she was, my dream girl.
00:52:05She was even more beautiful in person.
00:52:12I thought I was dreaming, but no, it was true.
00:52:18The girl on the pages of Penthouse was standing right in front of me.
00:52:22The girl from the pages of Penthouse was standing right in front of me.
00:52:26She was even more beautiful in person.
00:52:28I thought I was dreaming, but no, it was true.
00:52:31The girl from the pages of Penthouse was standing right in front of me.
00:52:39I was speechless. I couldn't believe my eyes.
00:52:43Before I could make my move, she was gone.
00:52:54Just when I thought I'd never see her again, I turned around and there she was.
00:53:01I didn't know if my eyes were playing tricks on me or what, so I had to tell my brother.
00:53:20I said, Ted, Ted, did you see that?
00:53:25What?
00:53:25It's the girl on the cover of Penthouse. She smiled at me.
00:53:29Huh? Huh?
00:53:34He said...
00:53:35Danny, I really think you've been spending a little too much time in the sun, pal.
00:53:39I figured maybe I had been out in the sun too long.
00:53:43Hey, boss! Look!
00:53:45Please! Please!
00:53:53Ted and I planned to stick together that night. He said teamwork was the name of the game.
00:53:58Yeah, teamwork.
00:53:59For the last time, did you see her on the beach today?
00:54:08Will you stop messing around with this magazine?
00:54:11Look, just turn the centerfold. Maybe you'll recognize her from there.
00:54:14These pages are all stuck together. What have you been doing with this?
00:54:20Now, listen. Why don't you just forget about girls in magazines and start to think about the real poontang coming over here tonight?
00:54:29Huh? Gladys! Gladys! Yeah! Yeah!
00:54:33Tonight, buddy, you're gonna be a man.
00:54:35Yeah.
00:54:36Alright, now, these girls are hot, so we gotta be on our toes, okay? Let's make sure we have everything set up.
00:54:41Okay.
00:54:42Got the liquor?
00:54:43Check.
00:54:44Reefer?
00:54:46Check.
00:54:47Rubbers?
00:54:50Crap.
00:54:51Petroleum jelly?
00:54:53Crap.
00:54:54Okay, Danny, tonight, it's just you and me. Team.
00:54:58Inseparable.
00:55:00Teddy boy.
00:55:02Crrrrrrrrr.
00:55:05Mona!
00:55:07Hey, baby, you look like a million bucks.
00:55:10You're looking pretty good tonight yourself, Iron Thighs.
00:55:14Hey, who's this kid?
00:55:16It's, uh, my little brother Danny. You remember her from the beach.
00:55:19Hmm.
00:55:20Uh, he's supposed to be with Gladys tonight.
00:55:21Where is she, anyway?
00:55:22Oh, I forgot to tell her. I had important things to do. I had to do my nails.
00:55:27Hey, are we going to end up babysitting tonight? What is this?
00:55:31Uh, no, he was just leaving, weren't you, Danny?
00:55:34Hmm. Scram. Beat it.
00:55:36Here's your hat and your whip and, uh, here's a dollar.
00:55:39Why don't you go out and maybe see a movie
00:55:41and sleep on the beach tonight, buddy?
00:55:43Thanks a lot. I'll see you in the morning.
00:55:46Okay, Teddy, baby, let's party.
00:55:50All right!
00:56:01What?
00:56:15Hello?
00:56:18I've been waiting for you.
00:56:21For me?
00:56:22Your name's Danny, isn't it?
00:56:24How did you know?
00:56:26Oh, just a lucky guess.
00:56:29Have some champagne. It's wonderful.
00:56:39Here's to long nights and deep emotions.
00:56:44I'll drink to that.
00:56:46They say if you wish hard enough, your dream can come true.
00:56:52They do?
00:56:53They say if a dream can come true,
00:56:56it'll change your life forever.
00:56:59They do?
00:57:01They say that falling in love is wonderful.
00:57:05They do?
00:57:06Yeah.
00:57:07Wow!
00:57:09Loni, you're kind of special to me, you know?
00:57:12Uh-uh.
00:57:14I've never met anybody like you before.
00:57:17Whoa!
00:57:18I really think I'm falling in love with you.
00:57:20Ted!
00:57:21Ted, we have the whole night ahead of us.
00:57:23I wouldn't want you to peak too soon.
00:57:26How about another drink?
00:57:28But I've already had seven.
00:57:30Oh, come on, Danny.
00:57:31You've been dreaming about this for a long time.
00:57:34But I don't understand.
00:57:36I saw you on the beach today, and then you disappeared,
00:57:40and there's a fat man in your chair.
00:57:42What are you trying to do to me?
00:57:45I'm going to do to you exactly what you want me to do.
00:58:10Oh, no.
00:58:11Oh, Mona!
00:58:12Oh, stop!
00:58:14Wait!
00:58:15I don't even know any important thing about you.
00:58:18I mean, for example, what's your sign?
00:58:20I'm Taurus.
00:58:22The Bulls!
00:58:23Oh!
00:58:24Oh!
00:58:25God!
00:58:26I mean, like, where do you go to school?
00:58:28What does your father do?
00:58:30He's a plumber or something.
00:58:31Who cares?
00:58:32Well, it's just that I like to get to know my men a little bit better
00:58:36before I take them to that special place.
00:58:40What's your name again?
00:58:42Huh?
00:58:55Danny!
00:58:56You're bulge!
00:59:02Aw.
00:59:04Danny, you don't have to impress me.
00:59:08Then it happened, just like my brother said it would.
00:59:12I didn't know if I could live up to my brother's standards.
00:59:15Ow!
00:59:16I'm gonna pork you, you bitch!
00:59:18When I heard Ted's girl, Mona, screaming,
00:59:21I knew Ted had things under control.
00:59:24Oh!
00:59:25Oh, God!
00:59:26Oh!
00:59:27Oh!
00:59:28Oh!
00:59:29Oh!
00:59:30Oh, Ted!
00:59:31I'm so sorry!
00:59:32Let me rub it for you.
00:59:34Maybe I can make it feel better.
00:59:36No!
00:59:37No!
00:59:38Get out of here!
00:59:39Just leave me alone!
00:59:42Well, thanks for a lovely evening.
00:59:45I knew I had matters well in hand.
01:00:00Ted would have been proud of me.
01:00:01My heart is beating.
01:00:02Anticipate.
01:00:03Come on, let's go.
01:00:04I said, call up your town.
01:00:05I was so excited.
01:00:06I-I didn't even notice that Mona walked in.
01:00:07I was so excited.
01:00:08I-I didn't even notice that Mona walked in.
01:00:12Ah!
01:00:13Ah!
01:00:14Ah!
01:00:15Ah!
01:00:16Ah!
01:00:17Ah!
01:00:18Ah!
01:00:19Ah!
01:00:20Ah!
01:00:21Ah!
01:00:22You'd think a lover like Ted would be enough for any girl.
01:00:25But Mona still wasn't satisfied.
01:00:27Huh?
01:00:28Ah!
01:00:29Ah!
01:00:30Ah!
01:00:31Ah!
01:00:32Ah!
01:00:33Ah!
01:00:34Ah!
01:00:35Ah!
01:00:36You'd think a lover like Ted would be enough for any girl.
01:00:39But Mona still wasn't satisfied.
01:00:42Huh?
01:00:44Oh, okay Danny boy.
01:00:47Let's party.
01:00:49Wow!
01:00:54So they taught me how to have an orgy.
01:00:56That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
01:00:59I don't care what you think, douchebag.
01:01:02It happened.
01:01:03Just that way.
01:01:04We have been stuck in here all day.
01:01:07What if they can't find us?
01:01:12What if they're not even looking for us?
01:01:14We've just got to trust them, Annie.
01:01:16They'll find us.
01:01:17I think there's something terribly wrong here.
01:01:20Has he had an allergy attack?
01:01:21Gee, Mr. Zitzler, have you heard anything about Danny and the Others yet?
01:01:26No, as a matter of fact, we have not.
01:01:27Now it's time for your dip, dippy.
01:01:29Danny and the Others?
01:01:31Danny and the Others?
01:01:33Danny and the Others.
01:01:34It's a rock group coming into entertain our campers.
01:01:37Rock? Rock?
01:01:38Oh, you're interested in rocks, Mrs. Anderson.
01:01:40Why didn't you tell me in the first place?
01:01:42I've got a rock collection of people who want to see because...
01:01:44Well, I guess it's time for the moment of truth.
01:01:48When was the first time Miss Nature teacher got her pubes parted?
01:01:53What is the matter with you?
01:01:55You have a one-track mind.
01:01:57Why don't you just grow up?
01:01:58Oh, Miss Maturity, what makes you better than everyone else?
01:02:01We all told about the first time we got laid.
01:02:04What are you so afraid of?
01:02:05All right.
01:02:07I'll tell you.
01:02:10I'm proud of my relationship with Dwayne.
01:02:14It was perfect.
01:02:16He was everything a girl could want.
01:02:19Well, well...
01:02:20What a hunk.
01:02:22What a man.
01:02:24Even as far back as junior high school,
01:02:26Dwayne and I innocently explored the mysteries of coming adulthood.
01:02:31Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
01:02:33I think we have a definite problem here.
01:02:36Are you sure this was your homework assignment?
01:02:38Of course I'm sure.
01:02:38What do you think?
01:02:40Oh, no.
01:02:41The nurse has a boo-boo.
01:02:43And you know what else, nurse?
01:02:46The doctor has a boo-boo, too.
01:02:48Where?
01:02:48Here, kiss it and make it better, please.
01:02:53Okay.
01:02:54The nurse will not kiss the doctor's boo-boo.
01:02:56The nurse kisses this boo-boo to make it better.
01:02:58It's going to cost $25.
01:02:59Do you have blue cross or blue shield?
01:03:02Hi, Mom and Dad.
01:03:04Mom and Dad were crazy about Dwayne
01:03:17and invited him over once a week for dinner.
01:03:20He and Dad saw eye to eye on everything.
01:03:23Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you registered for the draft yet?
01:03:27No, have you?
01:03:28Why, son, years ago I did my duty.
01:03:31You did your duty?
01:03:32Well, why don't you flesh it?
01:03:34Right, Michelle?
01:03:36Right.
01:03:37Besides, I don't think they should waste the cream
01:03:40of American youth such as myself.
01:03:43Right, Michelle?
01:03:45Right.
01:03:46Oh, very sensible.
01:03:49Do you like meat, Dwayne?
01:03:51I love meat, Mrs. Richards.
01:03:55Right, Michelle?
01:03:56Right.
01:04:04Lucy, isn't it wonderful that a fine, upstanding young man like Dwayne
01:04:22has taken an interest in our little Michelle?
01:04:24Oh, Dizzy, we're so lucky.
01:04:31I have a special announcement, everybody.
01:04:39Dwayne is taking me to the prom.
01:04:41Darling, that's marvelous.
01:04:46I couldn't be happier.
01:04:48Thank you, Daddy.
01:04:50Dwayne, you better take care of my little girl.
01:04:52Oh, I'll take care of her, Mr. Richards, sir.
01:04:56Right, Michelle?
01:04:56It was right then and there that I felt the first stirrings of youthful passion,
01:05:07and I knew it wouldn't be long before the earth moved for me.
01:05:11I decided that Dwayne would be my first.
01:05:17Then came the night of the junior prom.
01:05:20Dwayne was so romantic.
01:05:23Afterwards, he took me to a disco.
01:05:30See, that was a great prom, Dwayne.
01:05:35Hey, Dwayne.
01:05:36Yeah.
01:05:38I'm sorry I threw up in your punch, though, Michelle.
01:05:41You did?
01:05:48I get it.
01:05:50You want to dance!
01:06:04I got a girl
01:06:06I got a car
01:06:08But neither of them are soon to go to
01:06:11One says I'm lazy
01:06:14One doesn't speak
01:06:16One's a volcano
01:06:18And banners
01:06:19Really
01:06:20I got to the stage
01:06:22Just when I thought Dwayne was about to make the earth move for me
01:06:27She appeared
01:06:29Get in my engine
01:06:30Go over the world
01:06:32I said it's easier
01:06:33To fix a car
01:06:35Than fix a girl
01:06:36I was crushed
01:06:38Hey!
01:06:39I couldn't imagine what he saw in her
01:06:41Hey!
01:06:42Hey!
01:06:43Hey!
01:06:44Woo!
01:06:46Dwayne!
01:06:47What about me?
01:06:48I never felt so lonely in all my life
01:07:05Then I saw him across the crowded room
01:07:10And I knew there could be life after Dwayne
01:07:14I felt like I was floating on a cloud
01:07:28I knew in a flash that he was twice the man Dwayne was
01:07:40He grabbed me and kissed me
01:07:48I felt like a bowl of quivering jello in his arms
01:07:53He came close to me and whispered something in my ears
01:08:00Let's go
01:08:01What's up?
01:08:05Whoa!
01:08:07I guess I must have misunderstood
01:08:09I thought he said bowling
01:08:12What he really said was
01:08:14Let's go bowling
01:08:16Oh!
01:08:20So we went bowling
01:08:22He picked just the right spot
01:08:27Oh!
01:08:30It wasn't exactly Lover's Lane
01:08:31But for 75 cents
01:08:34Shoes included
01:08:35What do you expect?
01:08:37Well
01:08:37How do you like the date so far?
01:08:40By the end of the evening
01:08:41I could see that the only thing he had on his mind
01:08:44Was scoring up my alley
01:08:47The date was a strike for him
01:08:50But a gutter ball for me
01:08:53Well, the earth didn't move for me
01:08:59But I suppose it could have been worse
01:09:02Yeah
01:09:03You could have got your twat twizzled by Dwayne
01:09:06Stinky, you're now a member of our traditional circle jerk
01:09:13Congratulations
01:09:14You know, guys
01:09:16I'm really touched you let me take part in this
01:09:19It's really the climax of my summer
01:09:21Ah, that's okay, Stink
01:09:24We feel you have what it takes to take part in our sacred event
01:09:28This is a very select group you're entering, Stinky
01:09:31Remember that
01:09:32And here are the rules
01:09:34All lights must be turned off
01:09:38And the first person to reach climatic finality
01:09:41Is the honorary chairman of the Eagles for next summer
01:09:44Stop joking
01:09:47And start stroking
01:09:49How you doing, Stinky?
01:09:57I'm doing okay
01:09:58Go, Stinky!
01:10:05Go, Stinky!
01:10:07Go, Stinky!
01:10:08I'm first!
01:10:09I'm first!
01:10:10I'm champion!
01:10:12It's so cute!
01:10:14What wrist action!
01:10:15I always knew you could handle yourself in a crowd
01:10:18Look, the lantern is flickering
01:10:36There must be a breeze
01:10:38From an air passage they must have begun to dig us out
01:10:41I believe I was incorrect in my original analysis
01:10:51What?
01:10:52What?
01:10:53What?
01:10:53What?
01:10:54Well, the fact that the lantern is burning at a clearly diminished level
01:10:59Indicates that there is no longer sufficient oxygen to support burning
01:11:03What?
01:11:04What?
01:11:04What?
01:11:05I'm getting a headache
01:11:06Why, yes, Annie
01:11:07Your headache is a clear indication that the carbon dioxide level has reached the point
01:11:12Where breathing becomes impaired and asphyxiation sets in
01:11:16Asphyxiation?
01:11:17You mean like suffocating?
01:11:19You mean there's no more oxygen to breathe?
01:11:20Calm down
01:11:21Calm down
01:11:22I'm sure that help is on the way
01:11:25They're probably close enough to hear us
01:11:27Help!
01:11:29Help!
01:11:29We're stuck in our cage!
01:11:31Help!
01:11:31Help!
01:11:32Help!
01:11:32Help!
01:11:33Help!
01:11:33Help!
01:11:33Help!
01:11:34Help!
01:11:35Help!
01:11:35Help!
01:11:36I do not go down on Frenchphoodles I am sure
01:11:39Oh, are we on?
01:11:40Oh, attention campus
01:11:42Meet your parents, like in front of the grody mess hall, okay?
01:11:46Hey!
01:11:48Hey!
01:11:49How are you going?
01:11:52Oh no!
01:11:54Oh my God!
01:11:54We drove all the way up?
01:11:56Hi!
01:11:57Mom, I won the circle jerk
01:11:58That's my boy
01:11:59Oh ho ho ho
01:12:00Danny!
01:12:01Where's my Danny?
01:12:03Danny? Excuse me, have you seen my Danny? Danny?
01:12:08Attention parents, go to the totally tubular arts and crafts show
01:12:13where you like children's exhibits are now on display.
01:12:18Now parents, look at the subtlety of these curving lines.
01:12:21The smooth yet rugged texture of the pieces speaks eloquently
01:12:25of the thrusting and carrying techniques that your very talented children
01:12:29have utilized in order to put together these beautiful, marvelous works of art.
01:12:33Oh my god, it's bigger than yours, Harold.
01:12:46Oh no, the lantern went out.
01:12:49Michelle was right. We're running out of air.
01:12:52Um, uh, everybody down on the ground. There's more air on the ground.
01:12:57Um, down.
01:13:00This is ridiculous.
01:13:02Michelle, will you just get down and breathe, please?
01:13:04Why?
01:13:05Just get down and breathe!
01:13:07All right!
01:13:10It can't be. It can't happen.
01:13:14It can't happen.
01:13:15We gotta get out of here.
01:13:17This can't happen.
01:13:18We just gotta get out of here.
01:13:20I can't deal with this.
01:13:22We gotta get out of here.
01:13:23Oh, shit.
01:13:26I'm 17.
01:13:28I'm gonna die.
01:13:30And I've never been laid.
01:13:32What?
01:13:33Huh?
01:13:34What?
01:13:35What?
01:13:35There was no hooker.
01:13:39I made the whole thing up.
01:13:42Shit.
01:13:43I don't even know how to talk to a girl.
01:13:46Me neither.
01:13:47I mean, I've never made it either.
01:13:50There wasn't a dream girl.
01:13:52And there was no man with a knife.
01:13:54I made it up.
01:13:56I'm gonna die a virgin.
01:13:58Well, I guess there was no Barbara Billington.
01:14:02Well, I mean, there really was a Barbara Billington.
01:14:06But she was just a waitress I had a crush on at the local Dunkin' Donuts.
01:14:11I'm going to die a virgin.
01:14:13Well, let's not dwell on the past.
01:14:15I mean, I've always believed that if you live fully in the moment and lived by the laws of nature,
01:14:23then if death comes to take you before your time, you'll be part of nature.
01:14:27But what the fuck are you talking about, Michelle?
01:14:30God damn it, you're always talking this bullshit for once in your life.
01:14:34Can't you just talk like a normal human being?
01:14:38Come on, Mitch.
01:14:39Henry, you want to hear this shit?
01:14:41She's always dealing out.
01:14:43Well, I don't know, Mitch.
01:14:44You've got to think about nature now.
01:14:46I mean, it's one thing if an 80-year-old woman gets killed by a bus.
01:14:52It's another thing if a kid dies before.
01:14:57Well, I just think that really sucks.
01:15:00Fuck you, Henry!
01:15:02You're just as bad as she is!
01:15:04What is this philosophy bullshit?
01:15:06You're all just scared!
01:15:08I'm not fucking scared!
01:15:09God damn it!
01:15:11I'm going to die a virgin.
01:15:13Why don't you just cut out this tough guy routine?
01:15:16You're just as scared as we are!
01:15:18Oh, Michelle, you've always had it in for me.
01:15:20Always!
01:15:21That's not true!
01:15:21Yeah, come on, get it out now!
01:15:23I've always liked you.
01:15:24Oh, shit!
01:15:26I've always liked you.
01:15:29I've always admired you.
01:15:32You know the way the little kids look up to you.
01:15:34They see you as a role model.
01:15:37I've always wished I could be closer to you.
01:15:39I think we should all be spending these last few moments being close instead of fighting.
01:16:01I'm going to die a virgin.
01:16:02I'm going to die a virgin.
01:16:32I'm in a state of flux.
01:16:37If I ever get out of here, I'll never eat junk food again.
01:16:44If I ever get out of here, I'll change my subscription from Penthouse to National Geographic.
01:16:49I promise!
01:16:52I don't want to die a virgin.
01:16:59This fucking cave sucks.
01:17:01I love the magic crowd.
01:17:05But nothing came out.
01:17:07Just a plantake modulation.
01:17:09So I will truly address my fears in envelopes.
01:17:13All the glitters for generation.
01:17:17I saw that sensation.
01:17:21Why don't you all know his come home?
01:17:24See me!
01:17:26Yeah, yeah.
01:17:56Yeah, yeah.
01:18:26Yeah, yeah.
01:18:56Yeah, yeah.
01:18:58Yeah, yeah.
01:19:00Yeah, yeah.
01:19:02Yeah, yeah.
01:19:04Yeah, yeah.
01:19:06Yeah, yeah.
01:19:08Yeah, yeah.
01:19:10Yeah.
01:19:12Yeah.
01:19:14Yeah.
01:19:18Yeah.
01:19:20Yeah.
01:19:22Yeah.
01:19:24Yeah.
01:19:32Yeah.
01:19:34Yeah.
01:19:36Yeah.
01:19:38Yeah.
01:19:40Yeah.
01:19:42Yeah.
01:19:44Yeah.
01:19:46Yeah.
01:19:48Yeah.
01:19:50Yeah.
01:19:52Yeah.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:56Yeah.
01:19:58Yeah.
01:20:04Yeah.
01:20:06Yeah.
01:20:08Yeah.
01:20:10It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!
01:20:26Oh, yeah!
01:20:31Gee, that was nice.
01:20:40Mr. Zitzler, you're in such a rush to sell this camp. I gotta think it over. It's late. I'll call you, Mr. Zitzler. I'll call you.
01:20:58Please, Mr. Costello, please, buy my camp. You've gotta buy my camp. I've gotta sell this camp.
01:21:06That damned Anderson kid. I don't have any insurance. What am I gonna do?
01:21:11I see you, Mr. Zitzler. Oh, am I gonna get a hold of you? Where's my daddy?
01:21:17I'm sick and tired of all this devil talk. All the other parents have found their children. Where's my daddy?
01:21:25Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for you.
01:21:28My daddy boy is lost. He's gone. I can't find him anywhere.
01:21:32Mr. Anderson, now, please get hold of yourself. He comes very unsteady on this dock.
01:21:35What kind of a dump is this?
01:21:38Oh! What in the world is that?
01:21:43Mr. Zitzler, I couldn't find Danny's body in this part of the lake.
01:21:51Danny's body! Danny's body! Danny's body! Danny's body! Danny's body!
01:21:59Danny's body! Danny's body!
01:22:03Mrs. Anderson, don't move!
01:22:06I'll get a lifeguard. It'll take about ten minutes.
01:22:10These lifeguard costs are killing me.
01:22:14I'll do it myself.
01:22:18Oh!
01:22:22Get this way! Get this way!
01:22:25Mr. Zitzler! You saved my life!
01:22:43I do hope Danny will be all right.
01:22:45Oh, Danny's all right. Danny is insured.
01:22:48You have insurance?
01:22:51Oh, Mrs. Anderson!
01:22:53What happened?
01:22:54I don't know.
01:22:55Hey, hey, do you guys smell anything?
01:22:57I think it's fresh air.
01:22:58Look! I see daylight! There's light!
01:22:59The cocaine is open!
01:23:00Oh, my God! Shut the cocaine!
01:23:01Get the light out of here!
01:23:02Your eyes!
01:23:03Shut up!
01:23:04Shut the cocaine!
01:23:06I'll slap the drums!
01:23:07Look! I see daylight!
01:23:09There's light!
01:23:10The cocaine is open!
01:23:11Shut the cocaine!
01:23:12Oh, my God! Shut the cocaine!
01:23:14Here it is!
01:23:15What the hell?
01:23:16I've smoked a twice!
01:23:18Oh, my God!
01:23:19The cocaine is open!
01:23:21This cocaine is open!
01:23:24I'm not working!
01:23:26It's hot!
01:23:27What a fucking day.
01:23:57Danny Anderson is now acting in pornographic films under the name of Dickie Long.
01:24:19He has delighted millions of moviegoers with his unique bulge.
01:24:24Mitch became a priest and opened a parish in San Francisco.
01:24:34He is now a spokesman for gay rights for the celibate clergy.
01:24:39Henry Putz works for the American Cheese Manufacturers Association as commissioner of natural gas.
01:24:48They're all yours kid.
01:24:51After eight unsuccessful marriages and the cancellation of her Bloomingdale's credit card, Annie Goldberg suffered a nervous breakdown and became a vegetable.
01:25:01She is now living quietly in Columbus, Ohio as a brussel sprout.
01:25:07Michelle Farmer pursued her interest in nature and now heads up the government's program for wildlife preservation.
01:25:13And fly, fly away, fly away little fish.
01:25:19Wee!
01:25:21Wee!
01:25:22Wee!
01:25:23Wee!
01:25:24Wee!
01:25:25Wee!
01:25:26Wee!
01:25:27Wee!
01:25:28Wee!
01:25:29Wee!
01:25:30Wee!
01:25:31Wee!
01:25:32Wee!
01:25:33Wee!
01:25:34Wee!
01:25:35Wee!
01:25:36Wee!
01:25:37Wee!
01:25:38Wee!
01:25:39Wee!
01:25:40Wee!
01:25:41Wee!
01:25:42Wee!
01:25:43Wee!
01:25:44Wee!
01:25:45Wee!
01:25:46Wee!
01:25:47Wee!
01:25:48Wee!
01:25:49Wee!
01:25:50Wee!
01:25:51guitar solo
01:26:21A little confession, tell you I've lied to you
01:26:25But I just don't want to make an impression
01:26:29Bragging about the girl that I knew
01:26:33Baby, now you were the first, you were the first
01:26:38You were the first, you were the first
01:26:41You were the first, you were the first
01:26:44You were the first, you were the first
01:26:48You were the best, you were the best
01:26:51You were the best, you were the best
01:26:54You were the best, you were the best
01:26:58You turned me on
01:27:00For all of the others have come and gone
01:27:04But you were the best, you were the best
01:27:08You turned me on
01:27:10You turned me on
01:27:12You turned me on
01:27:14You turned me on
01:27:16You turned me on
01:27:18We're all right
01:27:19I don't wanna say it and you don't wanna hear it
01:27:44But I have to say
01:27:46I get a little deeper in it every day
01:27:50The more I wanna close, the more you turn away
01:27:53From chasing any downhill runaway
01:27:57I know
01:27:58If you wanna hold on
01:28:01You gotta let it go
01:28:03But that's a contradiction when you're overdosed
01:28:07Philosophy is fine when you're logical
01:28:10But hearts don't diagnose the obstacle
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