00:00Hey everybody out there on the internets, welcome again to another edition of Saturday Morning Melee.
00:08I dug really deep to find this one. This one is very obscure. It is called Colonel Bleep.
00:17Yes, that's the title. That's what they called it. This is from the 1950s, I believe 1957.
00:24It is dated. Extremely dated. The animation looks very basic, but then again that's the whole thing with early television animation.
00:40It's just the nature of the beast. I can get on to that theoretical crap later, but right now let's get on with the show.
00:45This one is called Colonel Bleep, War in Robot Land. Enjoy!
00:54Right. Play it!
01:03Feel the beat! Feel the beat! Yeah!
01:10And now stand by for adventure!
01:15Three, two, one!
01:19It's the final countdown!
01:24War in Robot Land!
01:27You know, maybe some music would go good with this!
01:32This is wonderful Zero Zero Island.
01:35A.K.A. Ground Zero.
01:36Colonel Bleep's great headquarters here on Earth.
01:38If you like living in a snow globe.
01:39Twilight fades. The lights in Scratch's cave.
01:43Who?
01:43Squeak's cozy cottage.
01:45And the colonel's laboratory.
01:48And the colonel's laboratory.
01:49Do they all have to make that horrible sound?
01:53Break off for the night.
01:54Silently, the powerful radar scope scans the darkened skies, ready to signal the outbreak of trouble anywhere it's-
02:03A.K.A. Communism.
02:05Oh, crap! This sounds like my alarm in the morning!
02:09Red alert! Red alert! Scramble!
02:13I prefer poached eggs.
02:15Colonel Bleep, Squeak, and Scratch are off again!
02:18Team Rocket is blasting off again!
02:21What?
02:22On the distant planet, Robot Land!
02:24Oh, no! Robot Land!
02:26Here is a strange world of mechanical men, ruled by the master robot, Romance!
02:34Yep! He looks like a master, alright!
02:36In the house of a totally guarded tower, Romance guides the movements of the robot workers below.
02:40He is Robot Jesus!
02:42In this giant factory, the mechanical men of Robot Land skillfully build the great machines needed for the peaceful progress of the universe!
02:52Right. Why do they need guards, if they're so peaceful and wonderful?
02:57Disguised as a friendly robot, the wicked Dr. Destructo has entered the guarded tower.
03:03Whoa, whoa, whoa!
03:04He pulls the switch of the master machine and instantly, all work is stopped!
03:09Oh, man, I'm hammered!
03:12And then, quickly, with a mysterious power of his own-
03:15Man, the early Reebok pumps were weird!
03:18Robot began working faster than ever before!
03:20But now, instead of building machines-
03:22What is that one robot doing? Stabbing something with a spear?
03:25How is that even productive?
03:27I mean, the rest I can see, but-
03:29Dude's-
03:30Harpooning something!
03:32Fire the universe!
03:35Arriving at last-
03:37Sounds like, Colonel Bleep move everything on, like, a space unicycle? What is that?
03:43While Bleep prepares to face Destructo's mighty armada alone!
03:50My narration is kind of paced!
03:52Your man, doctor orders the attack!
03:55Hey, Dr. Destructo, if you keep on pumping like that, you're gonna get chaps!
04:00The mighty Colonel stands his ground!
04:02What?!
04:03So, is he, like, having an episode?
04:08What is all that?
04:09Now, Destructo steps up the pace!
04:11Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it, uh, uh!
04:13A steady stream of a deadly robot weapons pours onto the firing line!
04:15Seriously, is he, like, riding around, seriously, on a space unicycle?
04:28So, tanks just stop right in front of them to die.
04:30Well, that's convenient.
04:32Wish COD played that way.
04:34I-I have a terrible KDA.
04:37Or KDR.
04:39Whatever the hell you kids call it nowadays.
04:41I've preferred Mario Brothers.
04:43If only Squeak and Scratch could break through the solid steel tower walls-
04:48Break on through to the other side!
04:52Look, the cannon can still be-
04:56How convenient!
04:57But what about ammunition?
04:58Oh no!
05:00Scratch has volunteered to be a human cannon!
05:04So, why are you going, oh no?
05:06Say, aim, fire!
05:08Man, you sank my battleship!
05:11Dude!
05:12Quickly, the caveman pulls the switch!
05:13Cause he just knows how all electronics work!
05:26And the mighty Romax once again resumes command of Robot Land!
05:30Capitalism is saved!
05:32His power is broken!
05:34Now the deadly stream of robot weapons zeroes in on the fleeing villain!
05:39Dude!
05:40Pull up your robot underwear!
05:43I can see everything!
05:45And the wicked culprit scrambles for his very life!
05:51Wait a minute, I thought they were tanks, not planes!
05:54Once again, Colonel Bleed and Friends-
05:57Colonel Stick Figure!
05:58And Caveman Boy!
05:59Have saved people's waves from sure destruction!
06:01Right off in their flying space unicycle!
06:03And the brave Scratch may sometimes act a little dumb!
06:08This was one day when the caveman really used his hand!
06:13I have a concussion!
06:20Jeez!
06:21Hokey smokes bullwinkle!
06:23Wow!
06:24Not that it's bad!
06:27Uh...
06:28I guess I'll speak real this time.
06:31It's not really going to be a mental breakdown.
06:32This really wasn't bad.
06:34It's more social commentary than most.
06:37And this does tell you a little bit about cartoons and how they used to be considered back in the day.
06:47Uh...
06:49Like I say, I'm a PhD student.
06:53I don't have my doctorate yet.
06:55But, we talk about these sort of things and like the evolution of the Saturday morning cartoon
07:01and how, at one point, cartoons, when television was first widely available,
07:07cartoons were mainly just stuff poured over from theater so you got a lot of Bugs Bunny
07:14because it was really expensive to make cartoons because of, you know, cell animation and things like that.
07:22So, as you can tell, like, this animation's pretty cheap.
07:26Everything's kind of static and very...
07:29It looks very rushed, but believe it or not, that was the style because the philosophy then was...
07:35Uh...
07:37Kids don't really care.
07:39They'll watch the same thing over and over again, even if it is cruddy stick...
07:44Virtually stick animation like Colonel Bleep looks like.
07:48So...
07:49I didn't really flip out about this.
07:51This has...
07:53Been kind of educational.
07:55So, this has been Professor Cartoon Guy...
07:58For Saturday Morning Melee.
08:01This was a really bad episode, I guess.
08:03I mean, yeah, I had some cracks, but nothing great.
08:06But...
08:07Hey!
08:08You learned something for once!
08:09Who says I'm not educational?
08:13Eh, like I said, Saturday Morning Melee.
08:15It's been fun.
08:16Peace!
