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Dirty Laundry (2022) Season 5 Episode 4- Who Stole Fire Extinguishers From a Hotel
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00:00There are some secrets we take to the grave, and others we plaster online for laughs.
00:11On your host, Lily Do, let's air some dirty laundry.
00:21With me today are some iconic comedians we've wanted to welcome to drop out for a long time.
00:26We have with us a hot toddy, Paul Scheer.
00:29I'm excited, my first dropout appearance.
00:31A cold toddy, a Parnanachella.
00:33I am notoriously cold.
00:35A room temperature toddy, Kulab Vilaysak.
00:38Things are great lukewarm.
00:39And a toddy at absolute zero, Reggie Watts.
00:41Things are great lukewarm.
00:43That is true.
00:45How good are you all at lying?
00:47I think I'm top notch.
00:48Yeah, I was a supreme liar as a kid.
00:51Really?
00:52I love now, I am a parent, and it's so easy to tell when your kids are lying, and that's, it's great.
00:58I have to reverse my vasectomy.
01:00And I'll do it for you.
01:01I'll be right back.
01:02All right, medic.
01:03Let's find out the rules.
01:04You were on a medical show.
01:05I was on a medical show.
01:06I can undo it real quick.
01:08It won't be painful at all.
01:09Children's Hospital, it's all real.
01:11All right, here's how the game works.
01:12I have a stack of secrets about our guests, and they have to guess who each secret belongs to.
01:18Oh.
01:19Yeah?
01:20If it's their own, they should make accusations, try and throw people off their trail.
01:23But we could've put in a secret about me or our bartender.
01:26Whoa.
01:27Hey Grant, what's today's special?
01:29Lily, today's special is a grasshopper.
01:32Liar!
01:33You're great at this already.
01:34All right.
01:35Here's how scoring works.
01:36You get one point every time you guessed correctly.
01:38Yes.
01:39But if it's your own secret and you fool everyone, that is three points.
01:42Is that good?
01:43Wow.
01:46First secret.
01:47Who had a meltdown and went off on the crowd?
01:50We all are performers, right?
01:52I think we all have tempers.
01:53Yes.
01:54Is that safe to say?
01:55And are capable of meltdowns.
01:56It's probably Kumail.
01:57It's probably Kumail.
01:58Because he was on meltdown.
01:59Oh, you're right.
02:00Could've been Jonah.
02:01Bring him out.
02:02Could it be Kumail?
02:03No?
02:04No.
02:05It doesn't have to be one of us, right?
02:07It does have to be one of you.
02:08Oh, okay.
02:09It could be your grant, but it's probably one of you.
02:11It's not that woman up there with the interesting hair.
02:14No.
02:15Okay.
02:16All right.
02:17I would say that you having a moment on stage might be a very memorable thing.
02:21Like you kind of like yelling at an audience member.
02:24I don't know if I can...
02:25Yeah, but I am notoriously repressed.
02:28Okay.
02:29Yeah, Reggie, like you come across a really lovely guy and you know, maybe there's one night,
02:33maybe a couple things aren't working.
02:35I know.
02:36I know.
02:37Something's not plugged in.
02:38You're feeling a little bit like, hey, I wasn't, you know, you didn't get your backstage
02:40stuff.
02:41You have a lot of backstage stuff.
02:42The stuff you want backstage is crazy.
02:44Oh!
02:45Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:47Oh!
02:48Oh!
02:49Oh!
02:50Oh!
02:51Oh!
02:52Oh!
02:53Oh!
02:54I was pretty right on my therapy.
02:55Sure.
02:56And so...
02:57Okay.
02:58You would be able to hold your shit together better than any of us.
03:01Wow.
03:02I feel like your meltdown would happen post moment.
03:04I would hold it.
03:05Like in a car, backstage.
03:06Yeah.
03:07I would have run.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I would have taken out all the right people.
03:10That's right.
03:11Exactly.
03:12Like when I get upset, I kind of just deposit it.
03:14Oh, nice.
03:15And it accrues interest.
03:16Oh, wow.
03:17And then I let it rip on people who are completely innocent.
03:19Oh, that's so cool.
03:20That's so good.
03:21Get it in a good 401k.
03:22Dude.
03:23I could imagine a Paul.
03:24I could imagine Paul too.
03:25I could imagine Paul because, you know, you could see him like, you know, like that.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Yeah.
03:32Like that.
03:33Hulking out in a small way.
03:34Yeah.
03:35Let's get our guesses and find out.
03:36Who had a meltdown and went off on the crowd?
03:39Paul?
03:40I am going to say Reggie.
03:44Aparna.
03:45I'm also going to stick with Reggie.
03:50Gosh.
03:51No.
03:52You guys hear that?
03:58Oh, no.
03:59I don't think it's Reggie.
04:01I don't think.
04:02I think his pulse sounds very normal and healthy.
04:07Kulab, what do you think?
04:09I'm going to say it's a Parna.
04:13Oh, nice.
04:15It seems unlikely, but maybe that's why it's spot on.
04:18Reggie, are you alive again from the flatline?
04:20Yeah.
04:21I got to bounce back from one of those.
04:23Don't even sweat it.
04:24I'm going to say it's definitely a Parna.
04:26All right.
04:27Well, the person who had a meltdown and went off on the crowd, please take a sip of their drink.
04:30Oh.
04:31That was good.
04:32That was a good one.
04:33I know.
04:34That was a good one.
04:35This was early on in my comedy days.
04:36I started comedy in DC and there was a weekly show at this very fratty bar, I would like to say.
04:51All of DC?
04:52Yeah.
04:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:54It was called All of DC.
04:56Yeah.
04:57But I always resented performing there and it was like a Wednesday night show.
05:01I always hated the audience.
05:03I would never do very well, so I built up a lot of resentment.
05:06Like Kulab was saying, I accrued a lot in my bank.
05:09And then we found out eventually that they were destroying the bar to turn into condos.
05:14Okay.
05:15So you guys are like, oh, poor bar underdog.
05:17I was thrilled.
05:19I was so happy about it.
05:20They had a closing show there.
05:22And then I was like, you know what?
05:23I'm never going to have to see these people.
05:24I'm never going to have to be in this building again.
05:26You thought they were getting raised with the bar.
05:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:29I was like, you're all going to go.
05:31The building's going to go.
05:32You'll all be eliminated.
05:34That's it.
05:35So I just started yelling at the crowd and I'm not good with anger,
05:38so I just dissociate.
05:39I couldn't even tell you what I was yelling or what I said.
05:42I was just mad.
05:43I kicked over a stool.
05:45You kicked over a stool.
05:46I did.
05:47And I was just screaming by the end.
05:49And I went into a different place.
05:51But you did respect the light when that five-minute light came out.
05:54Oh, sure.
05:55Thank you, everybody.
05:56I said, that's my time.
05:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:59I put the stool back up and I exited the stage.
06:04No, but I just remember afterwards one of the other comedians was like,
06:07I like angry Aparna.
06:08And I was like, I don't know who she was.
06:11How many shows in total did you willingly go and do at this terrible bar you hated?
06:16Every week.
06:18Every week.
06:19Because I was like, I'm going to figure this crowd out.
06:22And I couldn't.
06:23Wow.
06:24So I was like, you know what?
06:25Let's resort to anger and violence.
06:26Works every time.
06:27Every time.
06:28It does.
06:29And that is a point to Kulop and Reggie.
06:32Yeah.
06:33Thanks.
06:34Congratulations.
06:36Secret.
06:37Who has an unusual system of self-defense?
06:41Kulop to me is somebody who is actively, you know, in shape, but also in fighting shape.
06:47I do a little kickboxing.
06:48I'm known to kick and punch.
06:51I did Taibo at one point.
06:53Oh.
06:54That's less martial art and more of a VHS system.
06:58It is.
06:59Has any of it been practical?
07:00You're like, I could use this Taibo on a mugger.
07:03I do feel that I could.
07:04Okay.
07:05And so we're just going to have to wait for that opportunity to arise.
07:08I can mug you outside after.
07:09Oh.
07:10Oh, okay.
07:11I think the Taibo on a mugger is so funny because you'd be like, wait, I have two more reps.
07:15Try to get my heart rate out.
07:16Tai Chi would be really great on a mugger.
07:18Oh, yeah.
07:19Like they'd have to really wait and then you're going slow.
07:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:24Is it kind of like just pretend fighting?
07:25Like you're just, it's almost like you have these powers where you're like, if I had a fireball,
07:29I would shoot it at you.
07:30It looks like that.
07:31It's like incredible amount of like strength and control and focus.
07:34Like they can like balance on one leg.
07:36Well, the secret is you just go into regular speed.
07:38So essentially all that training.
07:40And then they just say like when you need to fight.
07:42So you're just like.
07:43Oh, it's like the training is in slow-mo.
07:45Exactly.
07:46Yeah, yeah.
07:47You have to carry a remote control though.
07:48Yeah, you do have to carry a universal, a universal remote.
07:52Reggie knows a lot about self-defense.
07:54You know, I like, I like, I do have, yeah, I might.
07:57Oh.
07:58Wow.
07:59That was a really interesting answer.
08:01Anyone else that would be so suspicious.
08:04I would almost have called that an unusual line of self-defense.
08:08Yes.
08:09Very arresting, disarming.
08:11Yeah.
08:12I fell on the ground.
08:13That didn't touch me.
08:14Right.
08:15Let's get to our guesses then.
08:16Who has an unusual system of self-defense?
08:19I'll let Reggie start.
08:20I think it's obviously Paul.
08:22Oh.
08:23Okay.
08:24Cool up.
08:25It's Reggie.
08:26Aparna.
08:27Oh man.
08:28I'm gonna go into the conversation between Reggie and Paul.
08:29Cause I do feel like Paul has been sort of sitting low on this one.
08:32We haven't really showed the light on.
08:33For my martial arts background.
08:34No, you haven't.
08:35Yeah.
08:36But my intuition is gonna say Reggie.
08:39Okay.
08:40And Paul?
08:41I will also say Reggie.
08:42All right.
08:43Will the person who has an unusual system of self-defense, please take a sip of their drink.
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh!
08:50Oh!
08:51Why am I going against my instincts?
08:52Both times.
08:53I'm going against my instincts.
08:54That's tough.
08:55That's tough.
08:56That's tough.
08:57That's tough.
08:58Oh my God.
08:59And you came out saying to that.
09:00I know.
09:01And I went against my instincts.
09:02I had a feeling.
09:03Misdirected you with the Taibo.
09:04I do believe that between me and my husband, Scott, it will be up to me.
09:09Yes.
09:10To defend the home.
09:11Yes.
09:12Wow.
09:13And home invasion.
09:14Definitely.
09:15Definitely.
09:17Well, do you feel differently about-
09:18No.
09:20Karna, your thoughts?
09:21I'm gonna go ahead and say you're right.
09:23That's right.
09:24So, much like Rambo, I have stowed knives everywhere.
09:27Whoa.
09:28There's one in every room.
09:30Is there a machete with cloth napkins?
09:33Yes, there is.
09:34Wow.
09:35Whoa.
09:36Are there throwing stars in the mix or no?
09:37Just knives?
09:38There's no throwing stars, mainly knives.
09:39Oh, thank you.
09:40Is there a spear tip that you can put on top of a broom in the garage?
09:43Yes.
09:44Good luck finding it, only I know where it is.
09:45Glopp coming at me with a machete.
09:47If I'm breaking in, I'm gonna be pretty scared.
09:49I know.
09:50Good luck.
09:51Good luck to you.
09:52Have you clued in Scott to where the knives are?
09:54What if he's in the room?
09:55You're out of the house.
09:56He always has band-aids on his pants.
09:58He's like, honey, can I...
09:59Aw, man.
10:00He reaches for a book.
10:01Oh, just...
10:04I could point them out to him.
10:05He's not gonna retain it.
10:06You know, that's not our roles.
10:08Are they like decorative knives?
10:10Or are they like a butcher knife that you stow under a pillow or something?
10:13They're not butcher knives.
10:14Those are kept in the knife block with the rest.
10:16You'd never use a butcher knife to murder a home intruder.
10:19No, there's etiquette.
10:20You're right, yeah.
10:21Yeah.
10:22I mean, I guess...
10:23Some people keep kosher, right?
10:24You have to have the certain plates for the different things.
10:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:27How many knives would you say are hidden in your house?
10:29One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, 14.
10:3214.
10:33And just so you know, Kulop does live in a studio apartment.
10:39They're just like clearly once here.
10:41And then it's like with their husband and child.
10:44Duck taped here.
10:45Have you done any sort of knife training?
10:48No.
10:49Absolutely not.
10:50I don't think so.
10:51I'm not thinking.
10:52To the great Los Angeles fires, I packed a machete.
10:55I don't know why I didn't.
10:58I think that's when you should be prank packing a knife in a go bag.
11:01And a go bag and that's what you need.
11:03In hindsight, Paul.
11:04No, I agree, I agree.
11:05I brought a bunch of Lego sets because I was like,
11:07well, we're going to be down and down.
11:08Different people.
11:09And so Robert is not wearing shoes and steps on that couch.
11:12I've seen it.
11:13That's cool.
11:14Wow.
11:15He's all right.
11:16That is three points to Kula.
11:19Wow.
11:20Wow.
11:21All right, next secret.
11:23Who wrote a television show for Cats?
11:26I mean, this does now.
11:27I don't want to keep on pointing the finger at Reggie
11:29because I've now been wrong every time.
11:32But it does feel like if anyone was to talk to a cat,
11:36I think you would be able to break that barrier.
11:38A very Dr. Dolittle-esque.
11:40Yeah.
11:41Are any of you cat fans, cat owners?
11:42Yeah.
11:43Cat owners.
11:44I'm a Meowhead fan for life.
11:45Okay, Meowhead.
11:46I am not a cat fan, but I'm not anti-cat.
11:48Okay.
11:49I was a dog person.
11:50Okay.
11:51Okay, you were.
11:52You have a dog now.
11:53Oh, no, I am.
11:54I am a dog person.
11:55You don't like that.
11:56I was a squirrel man.
11:57I was brought up as a dog person.
11:58We had a lot of dogs.
11:59We were brought up, okay.
12:00Okay, Aparna?
12:01I grew up being a little scared of cats, but now I have two cats, and I've been converted.
12:05Oh, Meow Meow.
12:06But did I write a show for cats?
12:07Poor cats.
12:08And we don't even know if this show was made.
12:09I think it might be Paul, though.
12:11Don't you think?
12:12I know.
12:13It's like he's deflecting a little bit.
12:15Yeah, he's like cats.
12:16I have nothing to do with cats.
12:18One of my first jobs in New York City where I got into the WGA was a positive prank show.
12:24That was my first official WGA job, and it was never aired because the network said,
12:31we don't do that.
12:32We only do positive things?
12:34Yes, we shot eight episodes.
12:36Shot.
12:37Shot.
12:38I don't know.
12:39It was a camera show where we gave people an amazing day, and not a single one aired.
12:44Please bring that back.
12:45Why wouldn't they air that?
12:46We created this amazing day for people, and at the end we were like, it was all a lie.
12:50Oh, right.
12:51Because it's pranked.
12:52And they were upset.
12:53If you were commissioned to write a TV show for cats to watch, what would people make?
12:58I'm honestly going to say Paul's show that you just described.
13:02I feel like cats would love that.
13:04Positive prank.
13:05Cats are going to like that show.
13:08Well, no, but also people being deceived.
13:11Cats are all about that.
13:12Yeah, that's so true.
13:13Let's hear our guesses.
13:14Aparna.
13:15I'm going to say Paul.
13:16Cool off.
13:17I mean, why do you tell that long story?
13:18I wouldn't tell two stories in a row.
13:20All right, I'm going to go Reggie then.
13:21Reggie, who's your guess?
13:23I'm going to stick with Paul.
13:25Paul is your guess.
13:26I'm going to say Aparna.
13:27All right.
13:28That's a good guess.
13:29Will the person who wrote a television show for cats please take a sip of their drink?
13:33Meow.
13:34Oh, yeah.
13:35That's right.
13:36Good.
13:37That's all right.
13:38That's all right.
13:39Yes, I wrote a television show for cats, apparently by cats.
13:46I wasn't allowed to be an actual writer on it because they wanted the premise to be the
13:52cat's rodent for cats.
13:54It was paid for by Purina.
13:57Okay.
13:58And this was not a streaming show.
14:01This was a network show.
14:03I believe it was on Animal Planet.
14:07Not a network.
14:08Or something like that.
14:09Yeah, yeah.
14:10It was a real deal.
14:11Yeah.
14:12I mean, it could have even been TBS, honestly.
14:14Okay, TBS.
14:15Very funny.
14:16Very funny.
14:17Very funny.
14:18This was before they had branded that way.
14:19Okay, okay, okay.
14:20Like very catty or like, you know, very feline.
14:23Very catty.
14:24We had to do a bunch of things.
14:25One of the things was cat home shopping networks.
14:27We had real cat toys and we would be displaying them like, look at this.
14:31You know, and it'd be like a laser pointer.
14:33And then there were like video montages of birds and squirrels running around.
14:38Whoa.
14:39Remakes of songs that were like, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
14:44What I remember was at one point, because it was paid for by Purina, they brought us all
14:49on the Today Show.
14:50I had to put on a sock puppet and be a cat behind the couch where the host was speaking.
14:57Like, you know, just like ready to go.
14:59Like, so they're interviewing her and I was down like this going, oh, we had a great time.
15:04I love.
15:05Oh my.
15:06Wow.
15:07Only one episode.
15:09Only one episode.
15:10Only one episode.
15:11One episode.
15:12Only one episode of Meow TV television for cats.
15:15I don't want to buy cats.
15:17When you can still find it on YouTube and it's upsetting.
15:20Put it on.
15:21See if your cats like it.
15:22Yeah.
15:23All right.
15:24That is a point to Aparna and Reggie.
15:27Next secret.
15:29Who was the world's youngest blank?
15:34I'm assuming like a record holder, like a Guinness, but they don't want to reveal
15:38what the blank is.
15:39Well, that's a very interesting clue because we all could have been the world's youngest
15:43at one point.
15:44I know.
15:45I was just like, why didn't I immediately fill in babies?
15:47Yeah.
15:48Me too.
15:49For one second.
15:50For one second, every one of us was the world's youngest.
15:53I mean, maybe we should fill in the blank.
15:55Yeah.
15:56I would say it's probably photographer.
15:58Right.
15:59It's a skill you would not associate with the youngest.
16:02The world's youngest astronaut.
16:04There you go.
16:05We don't have to be a baby.
16:07How old do you think like the world's youngest photographer would have been?
16:1047.
16:11Literally like one month old, my son was banging on my keyboard, opened up a photo booth and
16:16took a photo.
16:17So it's your son.
16:18So it's your son.
16:19Aparna, you feel like you maybe were a prodigy or a prodigy.
16:23Yeah.
16:24Prod vibes.
16:25Major prod vibes.
16:26Yeah, major prod vibes.
16:28So prod.
16:29Prod a little G.
16:30I was good at things young.
16:31Did you ever take pictures?
16:33We're really, we filled in the blank.
16:35Really?
16:36It's photography.
16:37We know.
16:38By the way, world's youngest photographer is the lamest title to have.
16:42Like, it's like, how could it even be documented?
16:44It's not that impressive.
16:46Like anyone could, like, it's like, yeah.
16:49Okay.
16:50What's a really cool one then?
16:51World's youngest.
16:52Porn eater.
16:53Porn eater?
16:54Porn eater.
16:55I'm really cool.
16:56Cause that really messes up your stomach.
16:58I know you're a young baby.
16:59You're putting your, you know.
17:00That's true.
17:01You're not supposed to.
17:02What about race car driver?
17:03Chiropractor.
17:04Detective.
17:05Ooh.
17:06Okay, now.
17:07Let's get our guesses in.
17:09That could be me.
17:10Kulop, who do you think?
17:11Reggie.
17:12Reggie, who's your guess?
17:14I'm going to say Aparna.
17:15Paul, who do you think it was?
17:16Okay, I'm going to say it's Reggie.
17:18Aparna, who's your guess?
17:19I was also going to go with Reggie.
17:21All right.
17:22Person who was the world's youngest blank.
17:24Please take a sip of their drink.
17:34What was it Reggie?
17:41I think I was like nine years old or something like that.
17:43I was on a commercial flight and the flight attendant asked me,
17:46would I like to see the cockpit?
17:48I was like, yeah.
17:49They used to do that all the time.
17:50Yeah.
17:51I got into the cockpit and I was like, wow, this is crazy.
17:53Blah, blah, blah.
17:54And then while I was in there, the captain thought it was funny.
17:56He grabbed the intercom and said like,
17:58Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to announce that the world's
18:00youngest pilot is now flying the plane.
18:02Wow.
18:03Cruising altitude, 38,000 feet.
18:05And then I could kind of hear an audible gasp.
18:08Wow.
18:09Yeah.
18:10And then, and then of course, like he rescinded them.
18:11And then when I walked back for the thing, I just remember people just like kind of clapping and whatever.
18:24I think they were clapping that that wasn't true.
18:26We used to have fun on play.
18:28I know.
18:29Things were loose and fast.
18:30It was.
18:31Then 9-11 happened.
18:32Yeah.
18:33Cause before I used to bring a gallon of water, you know, some lighter fluid, all that kind of stuff.
18:36Then 9-11 happened to it.
18:37Did 9-11 happen at 10?
18:39Well, to be clear, 9-11 did happen after I was nine.
18:42So some truth to that.
18:44Okay.
18:45Okay.
18:46That is points to everybody except Reggie.
18:48Aww.
18:49That is it for round one.
18:51We are going to take a quick break.
18:52But in the meantime, hey Grant, what are we drinking?
18:58Today's cocktail is a grasshopper.
19:00And you guys, you don't like bugs.
19:03But I'm going to make this drink because I think it tastes really good.
19:05I'm not psyched about it though.
19:07So because the grasshopper is a minty ice cream drink, I'm going to start with an ounce and a half of an ingredient called creme de minthe.
19:14Next, I'm going to add an ounce and a half of creme de cacao, which is a chocolate liqueur.
19:20Next, I'm going to add an ounce and a half of half and half, which is fun to say.
19:25Now this is the standard base for a grasshopper and it's going to be a minty chocolatey drink.
19:30But I'm going to use a secret ingredient from my favorite bar person, Jeffrey Morgenthaler.
19:35He likes to add Trenette Branca, which is an Italian liqueur, which has a super herbal flavor.
19:42It gives it a really nice backbone in the drink.
19:44It doesn't take much.
19:46One quarter of an ounce.
19:48Next, I'm going to add a full cup of vanilla ice cream.
19:52And I'm going to add about that same amount of ice.
19:55One cup.
20:00I'm going to blend this.
20:01Now that that's blended, I'm going to add just a little pinch of sea salt.
20:14It's very important to do this after you blend because I forgot to do it before I blended.
20:19Now that is going to go right into our malt glass.
20:27Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross.
20:30Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
20:33Okay.
20:34Now this is going to get a straw.
20:36I'm going to add one big bunch of mint.
20:38And I'm going to realize maybe bugs aren't so scary after all.
20:41The grasshopper.
20:42And we're back.
20:51Let's recap the scores.
20:52We have Paul with one point.
20:54It's golf scores, right?
20:56Yeah.
20:57Great.
20:58Yeah.
20:59Aparna with two points.
21:00Oh my gosh.
21:01That's W.
21:02Yeah.
21:03But in golf scores.
21:04But in golf scores.
21:05So I am still winning.
21:06Yeah, you're still winning.
21:07Reggie with two points.
21:08Yeah, that's right.
21:09And Kulop with five points.
21:12Wow.
21:13Oh my gosh.
21:14Kulop.
21:15Come on.
21:16Wow.
21:17Next secret.
21:18Who cooked pasta with a pro wrestler?
21:20Why is the pro wrestler eating that much carbs?
21:22Well, we don't know that they ate it.
21:24It could be carb loading.
21:25Okay, got it.
21:26It could be carb loading.
21:27I'll say this.
21:28I know that Kulop worked in the kitchen at Olive Garden at the same time as Steve Stone Cold Austin.
21:32We came up together, guys.
21:352002.
21:36A little bit of a town.
21:38Yeah.
21:39I don't know if that counts though.
21:40Pete Stone Cold era.
21:42Yeah.
21:43Before he was lukewarm.
21:44Yeah.
21:45Things are great lukewarm.
21:47Things are great lukewarm.
21:48Now, Paul, we heard you were on Good Morning America, the Today Show.
21:53That's like a cooking segment show.
21:55You're right.
21:56And with another guest, it could have been a pro wrestler.
21:58I like wrestling.
21:59I do like wrestling.
22:00I've been to an AEW show in Chicago.
22:03You guys into wrestling?
22:04I am not that I know of.
22:06Okay.
22:07But you could be convinced.
22:08But my angry alter ego could be.
22:09Yeah.
22:10Yeah.
22:11But it could also have been a scene in a movie, right?
22:13Movies?
22:14That's so far from what you do.
22:15Okay.
22:16Oh, wow.
22:17Anyways, what?
22:18Who cooked pasta with the pro?
22:19One of the biggest summer blockbusters of 2024.
22:21I'll have to know.
22:22Paul was in Twister.
22:23Turs.
22:24He was in Twister.
22:25Turs.
22:26He was in Twisters.
22:27Who cooked pasta with a pro wrestler?
22:29Reggie, who do you think?
22:30I don't know.
22:31I just think it might be Paul.
22:32Paul, who's your guess?
22:33I'm going to say Kulop.
22:34Okay.
22:35Damn, why did I actually guess for real?
22:36Kulop, who do you think?
22:37I think it's Paul.
22:38Because Paul will be doing stuff with different types of people.
22:41With Kat.
22:42I know.
22:43I feel like Paul is a jack of all trades.
22:45And this feels like just another card you can pull out.
22:48Will the person who cooked pasta with the pro wrestler please take a sip of their drink?
22:53Oh!
22:54Yeah!
22:55Two points, baby!
22:56Be quiet is suspicious.
22:57I had a feeling.
22:58Go ahead.
22:59But I also was leaning into it.
23:00I was trying to get some votes on me.
23:01Oh, you were.
23:02Because I get points if I get that, right?
23:03Well, if it's yours and no one guesses you.
23:04Oh, I thought if I could get...
23:05You don't get points.
23:06Oh, I thought if I could distract people if they get...
23:07Can I say?
23:08That's a great game mechanic and we should look at it.
23:09Yeah, come on, right?
23:10I was trying to get the...
23:11That's a good game mechanic.
23:12I was trying to get the...
23:13I was trying to get the...
23:14Oh, I thought if I could get...
23:15You don't get points.
23:16Oh, I thought if I could distract people...
23:17Tell us the context.
23:18When I was 15, I worked in the Mall of America, in the food court, at a tiny little stall
23:32called Hulk Hogan's Pasta Mania.
23:34Whoa!
23:35What?
23:36Wow, we hit every part of the story inadvertently.
23:38I know!
23:39It was actually...
23:40I didn't know at the time, but kind of a big deal.
23:42Like, the first WWE or WCW Monday Night Nitro was happening at the Mall of America.
23:49Wow.
23:50In the Rotunda.
23:51And to promote that, I cooked pasta with the Macho Man Randy Savage.
23:54Whoa!
23:55That is a real...
23:56And then Hulk Hogan interrupted and challenged the Macho Man Randy Savage to a pasta eating
24:02contest in the Rotunda.
24:03They can eat pasta!
24:05What was unique about Hulk Hogan's Pasta Mania?
24:09The Hulkaroni pasta.
24:10It's pasta sheet as Hulk Hogan.
24:14Those are great!
24:15These are fun!
24:16We even have the menu from the opening day, thanks to the people on the internet.
24:20It's a quick serve pasta restaurant.
24:22Finally!
24:23There's a power pasta.
24:24They spent $4 on this.
24:27It's international pasta.
24:28The owner just was like, make the stroganoff like you think.
24:31So this is Coolop, 15 years old, and I'm just in the back going, what?
24:34They didn't have recipes?
24:35Wow!
24:36That was...
24:37I don't know!
24:38By the way, if you're ordering quick serve stroganoff, you deserve whatever you get.
24:43Did you get to watch their pasta eating?
24:45I didn't.
24:46I had to continue with my shift.
24:48I didn't really understand the importance of it at the time.
24:51It wasn't ever really busy.
24:53No!
24:54No!
24:55I didn't even just...
24:56That wasn't the busiest restaurant.
24:57I know, I know.
24:58But you know what?
24:59I gotta say, quick serve pasta is a great idea because it's not that hard to do.
25:01It is.
25:02Keep the sauces on a simmer, get the pasta, boom, boom, boom.
25:05I didn't...
25:06Paul Scheer's pasta mania.
25:08Yeah!
25:09Sharoni!
25:10Five cats, four cats!
25:11That is one point to Paul Scheer.
25:13Yes.
25:14Fuck.
25:15Next secret.
25:16Who stole fire extinguishers from a hotel?
25:19Who went to college?
25:20I went to Fidham.
25:21It doesn't really count.
25:22I mean, I didn't live in a dorm.
25:23So I think it's between you two.
25:24Why?
25:25It sounds like a college thing.
25:26Who here has ever been to a hotel?
25:28Oh, interesting.
25:29I don't like to admit it.
25:30Oh, okay.
25:31All right.
25:32This seems to me like a drunken or high kind of caper.
25:37Escapade.
25:38I don't feel like someone came in and was like, let me screw over this hotel and make sure
25:41that if it goes up in flames, everyone will die inside.
25:45Fire extinguishers.
25:46Multiple, not just one.
25:47That's a lot.
25:48Grant's doing some hotel room flambe situation and gets out of hand.
25:53Making this fancy drink.
25:54Oh, yeah.
25:55It's a good gig.
25:56What do you want to hear?
25:57They said, maybe I need these for private use.
25:58Oh.
25:59I'm afraid of fire in my home.
26:00Well, now you're adding too many details.
26:01Yeah.
26:02I'm going to throw down, it's Grant.
26:04Aparna, who do you think?
26:05I'm going to say Reggie.
26:07It's Reggie.
26:08Reggie, who do you think?
26:09I'm going to say Grant.
26:12Grant.
26:13Grant.
26:14Grant.
26:15Grant.
26:16Grant.
26:17Grant.
26:18Grant.
26:19Cool up.
26:20I'm going to go Lily.
26:21Okay.
26:22A lot of people think it's on us.
26:23Let's find out.
26:24Will the person who stole fire extinguishers from a hotel please take a sip of their drink?
26:28Oh.
26:29Oh.
26:30What?
26:31Oh.
26:32Oh.
26:33Oh.
26:34Oh.
26:35Oh.
26:36Well, Reggie.
26:37That was my thought and then I went against them.
26:40Reggie.
26:41Reggie.
26:42Why'd you do a hotel crime?
26:43Why you steal boy?
26:44Well.
26:45So.
26:46Ain't with the 80s.
26:49So we used to do Robitizen recreationally in Montana.
26:54Makes you very high.
26:55Very weird.
26:56It's a dissociative.
26:57So you turn into like these weird robots.
27:00And we decided to go into the Sheraton Hotel in Great Falls, Montana and saw these fire extinguishers.
27:06And then I just had this idea where I was like, what if we put them out the windows of the car?
27:11Would it create a smoke screen?
27:13Mm.
27:14And so.
27:15That's some Robitizen thinking.
27:16Yeah.
27:17Let's fucking take it.
27:18And we all wore trench coats back in the day.
27:20So I was just like, just grab one, put it under the trench coat and just like walked out.
27:23How many did you take?
27:24Two.
27:25Okay.
27:26Yeah, two.
27:27It's a victimless crime.
27:28Two.
27:29Except for unless the hotel catches fire.
27:30I would say like the best thing to say if like you got busted holding a fire extinguishers like,
27:34I always wanted one.
27:35That's the best.
27:36I mean, no.
27:37The best excuse is like, yeah, I'm not stealing it.
27:40There's a fire out there.
27:41Yeah, totally.
27:42And then you go out there and you go, oh, it must have gone out naturally.
27:45Yeah.
27:46So we took this fire extinguishers, got into this like 1979 Tercel with the like reverse triangle windows,
27:51you know, the ones that pop out.
27:52These are the details that are important.
27:53It is the 80s.
27:55I'm driving.
27:56I was always the driver.
27:57It was like 2 a.m.
27:58You know, like on a Tuesday, we practice like putting the nozzles out the windows, hits the
28:03extinguisher and I look behind and it's just pure white powder.
28:08And we get out of the car and we see there's this trail behind the car just slowly fading,
28:12you know, slowly.
28:13It was settled and we're like, oh shit, this works.
28:14So then we like parked on the side of this one way and we're like, wait till some jetters
28:19come along and then we'll get in front of them and smoke screen them.
28:21Because we were always in a war with the jetters.
28:23The jetters.
28:24Who are the jetters?
28:25The jetters, you know.
28:26They're like the sharks.
28:27No, they're the Air Force guys.
28:29Oh, my goodness.
28:30Okay.
28:31Because we had the Air Force base.
28:33Whoa.
28:34Pilot on pilot crime?
28:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:36I know.
28:37So just as they were approaching us maybe like a half a block away, we pull out in front
28:42of them, hit the levers.
28:43They go off.
28:44All you see is like an illuminated version of the cloud that we saw.
28:49And then we saw the headlight beams go like this.
28:54And then we stopped and turned around.
28:57This huge cloud was fading and there was a pickup truck just sideways in the road.
29:00Oh, my God.
29:01Just sideways with all this like powder or whatever slowly drifting away.
29:05And then there was like a moment of silence between the both of us.
29:08And then all of a sudden you heard the truck go, oh, and started like spinning around.
29:12We were like, fuck.
29:13And then I just like totally cruised and went into an alley, got into a driveway, took my foot
29:17off the brake pedal, put on the emergency brake and everyone ducked.
29:20And then you could just hear this truck slowly like.
29:24Oh, my God.
29:26And it creeps by us right by the driveway and kept going.
29:31This is the Mad Max prequel that we never got to see.
29:34By the way, if you are keeping track at home, Reggie committed four crimes there.
29:38Stole, drive while intoxicated, created some other vehicular accident.
29:43And I don't know what the smoke out the window is, but that definitely is a crime.
29:46And look how successful he is now.
29:48Proud of you, bud.
29:49Two crimes.
29:50Don't get caught.
29:51That is a point to Aparna.
29:54Next secret.
29:55Who tricked their way into the top three of a competition?
30:00We don't know what the competition is.
30:01No.
30:02We don't know what the competition is.
30:03This is America.
30:04I feel like people would not question you because you seem sweet.
30:06You seem nice.
30:07You don't seem like a liar.
30:08But again, what type of competition?
30:10Because I didn't do anything competitively.
30:11Arm wrestling.
30:12I tricked my way.
30:14I had a fake arm.
30:16Yeah.
30:17With a hydraulic, like assisted, but makeup covered exoskeleton.
30:21It's like one more more.
30:23Special effects are incredible these days.
30:26Well, who's tricky amongst you?
30:28Who's a trickster?
30:29Paul.
30:30Paul.
30:31Trickster?
30:32Maybe Paul.
30:33Yeah, am I a trickster?
30:34I mean, look, sure.
30:35I love a prank.
30:36I love a...
30:37Sure.
30:38You and I have done a prank.
30:39We've done pranks.
30:40Yes.
30:41We've elfed people.
30:42Now, that's for different episodes.
30:43What does that mean?
30:44Maybe there'll be another clue coming up.
30:46I can't reveal too much.
30:47Okay, okay.
30:48I think it's Kulap.
30:49Competitive.
30:50Yeah.
30:51You think I'm competitive?
30:52I do.
30:53Oh, okay.
30:54Well, she is in the lead.
30:55Oh, yeah.
30:56She's killing us.
30:57Let's get our guesses in then.
30:58Kulap, we'll start with you.
30:59Paul.
31:00Aparna.
31:01You're guessing Paul?
31:02I'm going to go Kulap.
31:03Paul.
31:04I'm going to go Aparna.
31:06Okay.
31:07Reggie?
31:08I think Kulap.
31:09All right.
31:10Well, the person who tricked their way into the top three of a competition, please take a sip of their drink.
31:19Wah, wah, wah, wah.
31:21Oh!
31:23Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
31:25Why?
31:27Believe it or not, I went to kind of a nerdy high school.
31:30Okay, come on.
31:31In ninth grade, everyone had to enter the science fair.
31:33And I was assigned to this group of two other girls.
31:37One of them was kind of nerdier like me.
31:39Other girl was popular.
31:40She was actually a cheerleader.
31:42Oh!
31:43Anyway, we did this project.
31:44We had water samples and we were basically had bacteria in them and we were injecting a chemical into the water,
31:50gradually increasing the amount to see if it affected the population of the specimen.
31:55We were taking turns entering the chemical and then we had like a holiday break.
32:00Mm-hmm.
32:01So we had to take them home.
32:02The popular girl hadn't really done anything up to that point.
32:04Yeah.
32:05So we were like, you know what?
32:06You're gonna take the samples home.
32:07Oh, no.
32:08You're gonna do it.
32:09I know.
32:10Bad idea.
32:11She left them outside during tennis practice and they all died.
32:14Oh.
32:15Damn, she's cheerleading and she's playing tennis?
32:17I mean, you gotta love her.
32:19She's cool.
32:20That's cool.
32:21We had a pact that we would not tell anyone and we would just make up the rest of our data.
32:26Oh.
32:27And then you placed.
32:28We placed third.
32:29Wow.
32:30That's fair though.
32:31Right?
32:32That's fair.
32:33That's why I don't believe in science.
32:34It's all faked.
32:35They didn't even think to, their due diligence, the fact that we still won even though-
32:39Do you think the high school science fair has the same level of due diligence as the scientific community at large?
32:44It should.
32:45It should.
32:46I also went to a kind of school like that and we had to do the science fair every year.
32:48Yeah.
32:49And absolutely every single year I came up with a terrible science experiment.
32:52Never even did the experiment.
32:54What?
32:55Made up all the data.
32:56Really?
32:57Every single year.
32:58Really?
32:59Wow.
33:00I cannot believe you out tricked me.
33:03I never placed.
33:04They knew it was fake.
33:05I did a science fair one time where I tested the effects of STDs on high school population.
33:12So I gave STDs to most of the kids and-
33:16Yeah.
33:17Resilient.
33:18Resilient.
33:19Resilient.
33:20You didn't make up any of the data.
33:21Didn't make up any of the data.
33:22That was a fully realized thing.
33:23That is a point to Paul.
33:24Next secret.
33:25Who was in a gang that got broken up by their school?
33:28That's gotta be you with the trenches.
33:30Oh, he's already drinking.
33:31Yeah, the trench coat over there.
33:32He's already drinking.
33:33He's already drinking.
33:34Anyone grow up in LA?
33:35Because that is a true thing.
33:36Yeah.
33:37I'm from Minnesota.
33:38Oh, so yeah.
33:39There you go.
33:40But there was gang activity.
33:41I got in trouble with that.
33:42But nothing that I-
33:44Sorry, what?
33:45Wait, you got in trouble?
33:46Sorry, what?
33:47I guess you.
33:48Well, okay.
33:49I have gotten in trouble in gang related things.
33:52Like, let's just say for some reason I befriended someone who was the head of the Lao,
33:57because I'm Lao, Bloods.
33:59And he would call me-
34:00Lao Bloods.
34:01Lao Bloods.
34:02From jail.
34:03Wow.
34:04What was he talking to you about on that jail phone?
34:07It was weird, because he-
34:08It wasn't even, like, romantic.
34:10It did lead to a crime, though, because, um-
34:14Cool.
34:15When he came out-
34:16What?
34:17I was working at Macy's at the time.
34:19Oh, wow.
34:20I guess pasta-
34:21She's bopping around the house.
34:22The Mall of America.
34:23Aww.
34:24He did a homemade tattoo for some girl, and he took the last two checks of her mom's
34:30checkbook, and then me and his girlfriend did a shopping spree, which of course I got busted.
34:36Wow.
34:37And of course I had to pay restitution.
34:39But that has nothing to do with this.
34:41I can't believe that plan didn't work.
34:43Wow.
34:44Wow.
34:45Because this gang was broken up by the school.
34:47And that gang, I think, still exists.
34:49Kind of a school.
34:50So they're doing fine.
34:51I feel like I was always the one that didn't get picked for groups.
34:55And I don't mean that, like, I don't mean-
34:58I don't mean that.
35:00No, you know what I mean?
35:02Like, in-
35:03You don't have insecurity about it.
35:04Yeah, no, I'm fine.
35:05Let's get our guesses in, then.
35:07Who was in a gang that got broken up by their school?
35:11Paul, who do you think?
35:12Oh, Kulop.
35:13Aparna?
35:14I feel like Paul has deflected a lot.
35:16I'm gonna say Paul.
35:17Okay.
35:18Kulop?
35:19I think right after the incident that Reggie talked about, the cops got involved and broke
35:26you guys up.
35:27Oh.
35:28That's pretty good, actually.
35:29Oh, that's true.
35:30That was really good.
35:31Reggie?
35:32I think it's Paul.
35:33Paul.
35:34Paul.
35:35I think it's Paul.
35:36The person who was in a gang that got broken up by their school, please take a sip of their
35:41drink.
35:42Not too much, though, Paul.
35:43Just a little bit.
35:44Paul, it's you.
35:45Is it you, Paul?
35:46How dare you?
35:47Oh.
35:48Good job, Reggie.
35:49Well, well.
35:50I can tell.
35:51Good job, bro.
35:52I can tell when you're like, oh, I'll cool up.
35:54Yeah.
35:55Tell us.
35:56I was in a gang called the Blood Brothers in sixth grade.
36:01No relation to the Loud Bloods.
36:03No relation to the Loud Bloods.
36:04What city?
36:05Yeah.
36:06In Long Island.
36:07So it was a group of friends.
36:08And I guess the teachers had said something like, they hang out too much.
36:14They're like in a gang.
36:16And so my friend got his mom to make us shirts.
36:21So we all had matching shirts with a skull and a snake coming out of the skull with a knife
36:28through the center of it.
36:29And then the back was kind of like a press on letters.
36:33And it said Blood Brothers in red.
36:35And we were like, yeah, we are a gang.
36:37No, we were not a gang.
36:38No crimes were committed.
36:40This is you and how many guys?
36:42Four guys.
36:43Four guys wearing Blood Brothers matching shirts.
36:46We were then all brought into the headmistress, the principal's office, whatever you would say.
36:51And they said, this gang has disbanded.
36:53You have to give us the shirts.
36:55Not in that moment.
36:56Because that would have been weird if we all took off our shirts in that office.
37:00We went home, took off the shirts.
37:02Then brought them back in the next day and had to give them to the principal.
37:05And she said, I will give these back to you when you graduate.
37:08And she never did.
37:09Whoa.
37:10That's a great idea.
37:11And then we fucking murdered her.
37:13Bam, bam, bam.
37:14It's very funny to say to someone, this gang is disbanded.
37:17It's like, oh shoot.
37:18Oh no.
37:19Somebody's mom stayed up all night making those shirts.
37:22I know, it's a pleasure.
37:23I love that mom, by the way.
37:24Who knows, they were gone.
37:25I want to be that mom.
37:26Yeah.
37:27Were you doing anything that seemed gang-y?
37:29No.
37:30No, we were just hanging out in the playground together.
37:32That's it.
37:33That is points to Aparna and Reggie.
37:35Yeah, finally.
37:36All right.
37:37Who bombed for two hours straight?
37:40What kind of show would you have to do two hours?
37:43Four quick.
37:44Paul Scheer did a human giant MTV 24 hours.
37:47Like a telescope.
37:48That was not a bomb.
37:49That was one of the highlights of my career.
37:51I didn't mean to be.
37:52Ah, wow.
37:53Sorry.
37:54Now that I heard myself.
37:55A lot of great people on that show.
37:57How much did it stink?
37:58Or like if you were hosting something, you could say you bombed for two hours.
38:02Reggie music, could that kind of go long?
38:05Yeah, I guess, but I don't think.
38:06I've never seen Reggie bomb.
38:08I know.
38:09Like that's the thing about like, you have like this magical ability that I feel like
38:13if the audience was against you, they would come around.
38:17I've never seen people be let down by you.
38:19But maybe they came around hour three.
38:21Yeah.
38:22There you go.
38:23Not a laugh was to be had in two straight hours.
38:27We can all be put in a situation where the only option is failure.
38:31Like we could be bombing through no fault of our own.
38:34Oh, sure.
38:35Let's get our guesses in then.
38:36That's true.
38:37Who bombed for two hours straight?
38:40Reggie, who do you think?
38:41I think it might be Paul Paul.
38:42Kulop?
38:43Paul.
38:44Paul?
38:45Aparna.
38:46Aparna?
38:47Yeah.
38:48Paul.
38:49Will the person who bombed for two hours straight please take a sip of their drink?
38:53Go ahead, man.
38:54Oh.
38:55Oh.
38:56Oh.
38:57Oh.
38:58Oh.
38:59You said unbombable.
39:02Paul really threw everyone off.
39:04I know.
39:05Reggie said.
39:06I was in Amsterdam at Boom Chicago.
39:08Okay.
39:09And I was doing my solo thing there.
39:11The owner knew that I liked edibles.
39:13He went to this place called Dolphin, got me a cupcake.
39:16And so I ate it and it was really delicious.
39:18So I ate the whole thing.
39:19And then he came back and he's like, oh yeah, for the cupcake, just do half of it.
39:23Come on.
39:24Or a quarter to a half.
39:25And I was like.
39:26Lead with that.
39:27Cool.
39:28You can't make edibles too delicious.
39:29You gotta put it in a broccoli.
39:31I cannot.
39:32Tell someone that when you hand them the edible.
39:34I know.
39:35Come on now.
39:36Just say it on the label.
39:37How many milligrams was it?
39:38I think.
39:39Oh no.
39:40I think it was probably like 80.
39:43Oh my God.
39:44I think.
39:45That's the thing too.
39:46It's like Amsterdam, whatever your knowledge is of drugs, you have to be like, oh, it's
39:50upped.
39:51I think.
39:52I think that's fair to say.
39:53I think that they kind of, they have a mature cannabis usership.
39:56Yeah.
39:57Tolerance.
39:58Yes.
39:59Now why are we eating even half before a show?
40:01Because I love doing an edible before I go on.
40:03Oh.
40:04So I'm starting sober.
40:05Yeah.
40:06And then it starts to change.
40:07God.
40:08And then that creates new contexts.
40:10Oh.
40:11Yeah.
40:12I just started losing everybody.
40:14Oh.
40:15Like, like I was saying things, but I was so disconnected from what I was saying.
40:19Large chunks of time would disappear.
40:21So when I realized how long I had been on stage, it was like two and a half hours.
40:25Whoa.
40:26Whoa.
40:27And.
40:28Now did you bomb or did you think you bombed?
40:29I think I bombed because when I got off stage, my good friends were there and I was
40:33like, hey, and I had an uncertain vibe about me because I was like, I don't know how I
40:37did.
40:38And I was like, hey, what's up?
40:39And they're just like, hey.
40:41Oh, no.
40:42And I was like, yeah, that felt really weird.
40:44And they're like, yeah, that was pretty weird.
40:45I just watched you perform for two and a half hours.
40:47Yeah.
40:48They're like, yeah, that was pretty weird.
40:49We watched you perform in Oppenheimer.
40:51I mean, that's how long I am.
40:53How are you feeling now?
40:54I feel awesome and I feel supported.
40:56That is three points for Reggie.
40:58Whoa.
40:59Yay.
41:00It's closing time.
41:01Let's look at our final scores.
41:03We have Paul with three points.
41:06I've already lost.
41:07I already know that Kulap has five.
41:08Parnum with four points.
41:10Oh my goodness.
41:11Kulap does have five points.
41:14Wow.
41:15But Reggie has six points.
41:16Wow.
41:17Which means today's winner is Reggie Watts.
41:20Reggie.
41:21Grant, tell him what he's won.
41:23Lily, Reggie will be getting a dirty laundry apron.
41:26Wow.
41:27That's it for dirty laundry.
41:29I've been your host, Lily Doo.
41:31Here's hoping you become a regular.
41:33Bye.
41:34Bye.
41:35We aren't the only ones with wild stories.
41:39This one comes to us from Jade.
41:41They write,
41:42My boyfriend is a big gamer and he used to have a bad habit of peeing in bottles and leaving them around, rather than getting up to use the bathroom.
41:51One morning, I was taking my meds and since my water bottle was empty, I looked around for something to chase it down with.
41:57Dangerous.
41:58Seeing an open can of soda, I took a big gulp and instantly realized it tasted... off.
42:05At first, I suspected the soda had somehow gone bad, but since I had expensive pills in my mouth, I had no choice but to swallow.
42:13The bad, musky, gross taste hit the back of my throat and that's when it clicked for me.
42:19I'm sure you can figure out the rest.
42:21Hey Jade, you don't always have to swallow.
42:24You can spit, even if it's pills.
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