- 2 weeks ago
Funny Woman Season 1 Episode 2 - FULL
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Slats on stage for the opening number!
00:05Get your lazy arses up those stairs!
00:11On stage, come on!
00:13And move it!
00:15Slats on stage, come on!
00:30Let's go!
01:00How does a nice girl like you?
01:29How do you end up in a dump like this?
01:31Oh, this is just a stopgap.
01:33How about you?
01:35No stopgaps for a sinner.
01:36I got up the spout.
01:38That's not a sin.
01:40It is when you're a nun.
01:42You can hide a lot under a habit, but not twins.
01:46Oh, they're gorgeous.
01:50Here, you couldn't babysit, could you?
01:52What, now?
01:53Yeah, I just live down the street.
01:55There's a bald fella out front.
01:56I think we'll part with a few bob for a quick hand, Shandy.
01:59Darling, we've hit the jackpot.
02:04Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical impresario, wants to meet you.
02:09Really?
02:10Me?
02:11What did he say?
02:13That you've got a great rack and he wants a threesome.
02:16He'll pay double figures.
02:17All we have to do is...
02:19Well, I'm not doing that, no matter how much he pays.
02:24Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper.
02:26She's not putting out just so you can get your next fix.
02:29Anyway, she's babysitting for me.
02:30Don't do it, darling.
02:32Those fucking twins are worse than the craze.
02:34How dare you, you posh clit.
02:36Oh, no!
02:39Oh, no!
02:41Oh, no!
02:43Stop it!
02:45Ow!
02:46Ow!
02:46Ow!
02:46Sorry.
02:48Sorry.
02:50You!
02:52You're nothing but bloody trouble.
02:55People come in here for an evening of high-class entertainment.
02:58Not to watch you fucking around with a fan!
03:00High-class?
03:01Yes.
03:02Glorified knocking-shot, more like.
03:04How dare you.
03:05If you paid your girls properly, they wouldn't have to...
03:08What?
03:09What?
03:10To bash empresarios on the bumble with a meat mallet!
03:14Little bitch!
03:16I've got to bash you!
03:25Get the fuck out and don't come back!
03:29It's a sign of the times
03:31That your love for me is getting so much stronger
03:36It's a sign of the times
03:38And I know that I won't have to wait much longer
03:43You've changed a lot somehow
03:45From the one I used to know
03:49For when you hold me now
03:52You'll feel like you never wanna let me go
03:56Oh, I despair.
03:59That is another missed opportunity.
04:02Sir Bernard Bermont is one of the top producers around.
04:06Top pervert around.
04:08I'm not going back!
04:15Brian.
04:16Help me.
04:17Brian.
04:18I need another job.
04:19Are you still here?
04:21Was there quite an annoying buzzing sound?
04:24Beryl Charlton called...
04:25That's enough, Patsy!
04:27Thank you very much!
04:29I'll handle this.
04:33Well, young lady,
04:34despite the fact that you stole a script,
04:37fabricated a pack of lies,
04:39humiliated and intimidated a top light entertainment producer,
04:44They seem to want to hear you read.
04:49Patsy, the script.
04:50For the part of Cicely?
04:52Actually, I went out on a limb
04:54and suggested you for the part of Jim.
04:56Of course, Cicely, you stupid little idiot.
04:58But Beryl Charlton said they'd never cast anyone like me.
05:03And if Beryl has anything to do with it, they won't.
05:05However, this Mahindra chap, the producer,
05:08he thought you had something.
05:12Apart from bare-faced cheek.
05:14Pull yourself together.
05:15Do auditions at two o'clock and don't be late.
05:17Two o'clock?
05:18Oh.
05:19Oh, thank you.
05:21Thank you, Brian.
05:24You're welcome dead, darling.
05:28Oh, can I borrow a shilling for my bus fare?
05:31Don't doubt yourself, babe.
05:35Let your feet stand up for your beliefs, babe.
05:40I know what's running through your mind.
05:43Take you off to capture time.
05:45Make love.
05:46Walk a straight and narrow.
05:50Oh.
05:54Don't doubt yourself, gal.
05:58Let what's inside be your guide.
06:01You know darn well.
06:03All the wrongs have been done to you.
06:06It's making me prettier, so don't be blue.
06:08The life you live and what you've been through, you're lucky.
06:12Oh.
06:17Don't doubt yourself.
06:20Oh.
06:21Shit.
06:23Hiya.
06:24The traffic was so bad, I thought it was quicker to swim.
06:39I owe you all an apology.
06:42Especially you, Mr Mahindra.
06:45What I did was wrong.
06:47I'm truly sorry.
06:48Well, apology accepted.
06:52We'd like you to read some of the script.
06:55No problem.
06:56No problem.
06:57Yes.
06:59Yes.
07:02Oh.
07:03Thanks.
07:04Oh.
07:05Thanks.
07:06Out loud?
07:21Oh!
07:23In fact, we'd like you to read it with Clive.
07:28Yes, you see, um...
07:29This is what we call a chemistry read.
07:34And before Tony and Bill make some asinine jokes about bunsen burners,
07:38a chemistry read is where we see how we can work together.
07:43Yes, so it's comic chemistry we're looking at.
07:46And also sexual chemistry.
07:49Crikey.
07:50That's a lot to cram into one test tube.
07:53So why don't we start with a scene where the characters of Cicely and Jim
07:56are planning the dinner party at home?
07:59Should I read it in my voice or Cicely's voice?
08:02So...
08:03You know, I would love to hear her read it in Cicely's voice,
08:07if you can do RP.
08:10Silly, but that, um, stands for, uh, really posh.
08:14So, um, interior flat, open on Jim.
08:19His fiancée Cicely enters looking for something.
08:25Hello, darling. Can I help you?
08:27I think I left my home walk.
08:33Uh, I think I left my handbag here.
08:38Did you, Clive?
08:39Well, I'm not one to judge.
08:40I'll help you look for it later.
08:42Sorry, sorry, sorry, Clive, sorry.
08:45Can I have another crack at it?
08:46What about scene ten, uh, when, um, Cicely, uh, tells Jim off
08:52for forgetting to defrost the rat of lamb?
08:54Why don't we, uh, pretend this ball is the meat?
08:58So you're both panicking because you're trying to defrost it
09:01in time for the boss?
09:02Hot water bottle and a hairdryer works every time.
09:05Not with chicken, though.
09:06Makes the giblet smell like shite.
09:08Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it?
09:10Oh, anyway, sir.
09:13Right.
09:15They're here. I can hear them.
09:17Quick, hide the meat.
09:19Ooh, Jim!
09:20This is no time for hanky-panky.
09:22What? No, that's not the line.
09:24Sorry, I did it again, I did it again.
09:26Um, look, uh, pass it back.
09:27Very good.
09:29Sorry.
09:32They're coming. I can hear them.
09:33Hide the meat.
09:38What's going on?
09:39Not the face, not the face, not the...
09:42OK, uh, one more.
09:44Very, very, very good, very good.
09:46And they're coming.
09:48I can hear them. Quick, hide the meat.
09:51This was supposed to be my rest.
09:52I'm not a performing seal.
09:55Why?
09:56Are they vegetarian?
09:57Hop, lad.
09:58You're sort of playing my heart.
10:02Ooh.
10:03Whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:04Oh, what am I doing here?
10:05I could be playing the dame.
10:06The dame? In what panto?
10:08I can hear them.
10:09Hide the meat.
10:13Oh.
10:14Oh.
10:21Oh.
10:21Congratulations, Jim.
10:24Thank you, uh, so much, Sophie.
10:27Uh, could you please give us a moment to chat?
10:29Would the audience really buy into this relationship?
10:53I mean...
10:54Me and her?
10:55That's a good point.
10:56They might wonder why she's with such an arsehole.
11:01She just needs to feed the lines and look pretty.
11:05Oh, is that the sound of Emily and Pankhurst turning in her grave?
11:14Sophie, can I have a word?
11:20Regrettably...
11:21It's fine.
11:22It's fine.
11:22It's fine.
11:22Forget it.
11:23I should have listened to me Auntie Maury.
11:25Yeah.
11:26Don't get big ideas, young lady.
11:28Stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle.
11:30Running off to London like there's something special.
11:32So you're a beauty queen?
11:33On balance, I decided to leave by the door instead of the broom cupboard.
11:49Um, Sophie, um, um, what I was, uh, going to say, um, um, is that, regretfully, we don't
11:56get to make the final decision, but, as far as we're concerned, you're in the show.
12:03Oh, God.
12:16Oh, God.
12:20Please.
12:25I guess.
12:33Hang on to your hat, Dad.
12:36Breaking news.
12:37Who'd I spy today?
12:39Only the actual Captain Smythe from the Awkward Squad.
12:43And guess what?
12:43He's much taller than he sounds on the radio.
12:47Clyde Richardson.
12:48Well, she only glimpsed him, apparently, in the corridor or something.
12:53She's been to see where they do all the, uh, comedy shows.
12:57Like a guided tour?
13:00Yeah.
13:01No, she didn't say.
13:02The doctor says he's got to take better care of himself, but does he listen, does he, Eck?
13:10How was that, Mari?
13:11Oh, that's lovely, Aidan.
13:12And he says he cooks for himself, but the other day, I found him eating powdered soup straight
13:18from the packets.
13:19Oh, you never did.
13:19I did?
13:20Oh.
13:21There you go.
13:22Oh, what's you?
13:23Ta-ra, look.
13:24Oh, ta-ra, Betty.
13:26How are you?
13:27Oh, you know, keep him busy.
13:32Stepping out with anyone?
13:33Why are you asking?
13:35I don't know what came over her.
13:37I've half a mind to go to London and bring her back myself.
13:41Ta-ra, Aidan.
13:42You later.
13:51I'm going to the television centre.
13:53I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the head of light entertainment.
13:56Yeah, light entertainment.
13:58Five minutes ago, you were prancing around with tattles on your tits.
14:01Oh, God, don't remind me.
14:03Dennis, the producer, is a real gentleman.
14:06He says if this meeting goes well, I've got the job.
14:09That's great.
14:10I was trying to get some rent.
14:11Oh, God.
14:13I'm so cocking nervous.
14:15You?
14:16Nervous?
14:16Don't be daft.
14:18Although I'd mind your language.
14:20My future lies in one man's hands.
14:24Okay, then.
14:26In that case.
14:28Here's a technique I always find helpful.
14:32When you get into this meeting, you sit down.
14:35You, you look this Ted Sargent fella dead in the eye.
14:39And you imagine him taking a great big shit.
14:43Come on.
14:54Come on.
14:57Come on.
14:57Good morning, Sophie.
15:16Good morning, Dennis.
15:17Welcome.
15:27Wow.
15:29It's this way.
15:33Should I be serious?
15:36A bit flirty?
15:37What?
15:38Now?
15:40We're Ted Sargent.
15:42Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:43Oh, gosh, no.
15:44No, no.
15:46You won't try one of your antics?
15:49Antics?
15:50Yeah, pretending you've met someone you haven't before.
15:52No, Dennis, I promise I'll keep the trap shut
15:55and agree with everything he says.
15:58Well, actually, he's rather suspicious of people
16:01who he thinks are just telling him what he wants to hear,
16:03so no toadying.
16:05No toadying.
16:05No.
16:06No flirting.
16:07No.
16:07No antics.
16:08Yes.
16:08Got it.
16:09Oh, God.
16:09Hope he says yes.
16:11It's a good thing the writers are awfully keen on you.
16:14I'm sure he won't want to lose any more talent to the other side.
16:18He hasn't quite got over losing Hancock.
16:20Is he the one who lost Tony Hancock?
16:22Yes, he was.
16:24Oh, I see.
16:24Now, just to move him for one.
16:26Although we don't want to mention any of that to Ted.
16:28No, no.
16:29After you.
16:30Oh, let me think.
16:39Good morning.
16:40Morning.
16:41Morning.
16:41So, Dennis, I gather the boys have got it into their heads
16:46to rejig the script to accommodate Miss Straw.
16:49Yes, they'd like to make Cicely hail from Blackpool.
16:52That's where I come from.
16:54Yes.
16:55And we all rather like the way that Sophie sounds.
16:59We feel it brings something.
17:01Sadly, not an audience.
17:04Our esteemed casting director, Beryl Charlton,
17:07felt that Marcia Bell did a charming audition
17:09and she has a profile.
17:11So, perhaps we can find a role for Miss Straw another time.
17:14Yes, well, Marcia Bell is certainly one way we could go.
17:19The not funny way.
17:22In my vast experience,
17:25good looks and comic ability rarely go hand in hand.
17:29The girl is in the show to be the voice of reason,
17:32not to play the fool.
17:36It's fine.
17:37I get it.
17:38I'm a risk.
17:39And you don't want another flop on your hands
17:41like that, Foreign Matters.
17:43I mean, I enjoyed it, but...
17:46Unfortunately, that show never quite found its audience.
17:49Oh, dear.
17:50Were they hiding?
17:52Dennis, I'm curious.
17:56What makes you think I would allow the reputation of the network
17:59to rest on the inexperienced shoulders
18:01of a nobody from Liverpool?
18:03Nobody from Blackpool.
18:05Well, um...
18:07Sophie's different.
18:09And maybe people from Blackpool
18:12would like to see themselves represented on television.
18:16Thanks, Dennis, but Ted Sargent's right.
18:19Just because ordinary working people from the North
18:22might find it funny doesn't mean that he should put me in the show.
18:26And Bill, Tony and Clive strike me as loyal.
18:29They're hardly going to rush over and do the show on the other side,
18:32like Tony Hancock did.
18:33This weekend, I shall fly to the Montre Festival
18:47with the black and white minstrels.
18:49Oh, you sing and dance as well?
18:51Dennis?
18:52Yes, sir?
18:52I will give you 24 hours to prepare a new script
18:55with Miss Straw before I depart to the airport.
18:59I shall attend a read-through tomorrow morning at 10am.
19:02Yes.
19:03Very good, sir.
19:0624 hours.
19:07So, we keep Jim as the posh boy Politico.
19:16Went to public school, still votes Labour,
19:18works at the Foreign Office.
19:19Do we keep the boss coming for dinner things?
19:22Please, can we change that?
19:23It's so fucking trash.
19:23It's a Trojan horse, you know that.
19:25Traditional set-up, we get to smuggle things into the script.
19:28So, how does he meet Cicely, the working-class northerner?
19:31Slumming it down the pub, maybe he knocks her up.
19:33Knocks her up?
19:34I think you'll find he didn't.
19:36My dad had burst a blood vessel.
19:37Oh, so I think you're playing a character.
19:39It's called acting.
19:40You should try it sometime, Clive.
19:41You should try writing sometime, Bill.
19:44What are you, Tony?
19:44His little script monkey.
19:46Fuck off.
19:46Couldn't I, my character, work at Whitehall too?
19:50It's what, a cleaner?
19:53Actually, what if she's Jim's cleaner?
19:56Good, that's good, right, Tone?
19:58And what if Jim has to pretend that his cleaner is his fiancée?
20:02Well, Margaret will call her Maggie.
20:04No, I can't quite see that.
20:05And she has to act all posh and prepare a fancy meal,
20:09foie gras, tart, tart, all that bollocks.
20:11I'm crap in the kitchen.
20:13I once managed to burn water.
20:15We're having that line, thank you.
20:17I like it, I like it.
20:18It's a good odd couple scenario.
20:20Odd? Thanks, Dennis.
20:22Sorry, Dennis thinks anyone's odd who hasn't been to Cambridge.
20:24Oh, yes, actually, I do.
20:25Come on, we need a name.
20:29Now, Sophie, what comes to mind when you think of Blackpool?
20:36Dirt and ferrets.
20:38Working down the pit.
20:39Dissentry clogs.
20:41We're writing a sitcom, not a Ken Loach drama.
20:43What does go with a regular woman from Blackpool?
20:48Stick of rock and a sense of bitter disappointment.
20:50What about Doris?
20:53What is she, 90?
20:55Call time for the reading with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9.45am.
20:59Now, it is essential that everyone gets an early night.
21:04Bill?
21:04Sophie's character still hasn't got a name.
21:06Just keep thinking, you'll come up with something good.
21:09Um, so, any last-minute changes we'll do by hand in the morning, all right?
21:13Does it even matter what she's called?
21:16Look, what is wrong with Doris?
21:18Look, I'm sorry to be an arse, but I do feel that the focus is...
21:21Actually, can we change Clive's character's name from Jim to Hugh Jass,
21:26or should we do it by hand in the morning, then?
21:28Look, I am basically doing everyone a favour
21:30turning up to this read-through tomorrow,
21:32so a little bit of respect would be quite nice.
21:34Bill, has anyone ever refused to read for Ted Sargent?
21:37Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake.
21:39He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent ring-through.
21:41Wait, Reggie Lake? Who's Reggie Lake?
21:43Exactly.
21:44Oh.
21:46Barbara.
21:47What?
21:48It's got a good rhythm to it.
21:50Barbara from Blackpool.
21:53Well, all right, we've got the name.
21:54Can we please change the title?
21:56Dining Inn.
21:57Let's call it Barbara and Jim.
22:01Yeah.
22:02Oh, I like it.
22:03Jim and Barbara.
22:06Nice, though.
22:07Very good, Tony.
22:09Very good.
22:26Good evening.
22:27Aidan?
22:41What are you doing here?
22:45I'm making a romantic gesture.
22:47Well, you'd better come up.
22:57I've missed you some.
22:59Shh, please, keep it down.
23:00Away me flat, mate.
23:04Aidan.
23:07Have you been drinking?
23:09I needed some Dutch courage.
23:10You gave me the shock in my life you were leaving.
23:15Just assumed it'd be you and me forever.
23:17Wait, maybe you should have asked me what I wanted.
23:19Since she left, I've had time to think.
23:21I'm willing to give you another chance.
23:22Come back with me, Barbara.
23:23I can offer you more than this.
23:25I've inherited the business.
23:26I can put down a deposit on a bungalow.
23:28I don't want a bungalow.
23:29I've got the chance to do something that I've always wanted to do.
23:34Be on the telly in a comedy show.
23:36Oh, love, you're living in a fantasy land.
23:40We're pretty last night, but people like us don't get on TV.
23:43It could all change tomorrow.
23:45How long are you going to go on?
23:46Shh, no, I mean, it really could all change tomorrow.
23:51I know I did this once before, but I'm going to do it again.
23:54Better.
23:56I love you, Barbara.
23:58I want to grow old with you.
24:02Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?
24:06Easy, love, easy, easy.
24:15I've just had a pickled onion.
24:27Oh, man, it's poor.
24:29Shh.
24:31Oh, man.
24:33Oh, man.
24:36Oh, man!
24:36Oh, man, Lord.
24:55Oh...
24:57Oh!
24:59Oh!
25:02Oh, man.
25:04Morning, love.
25:32Made you breakfast, like a modern fella.
25:41Fucking hell! What time is it?
25:49Good morning. Morning.
25:52Ah, where is her ladyship?
25:56In the bog, troweling on the war veins.
25:59She knows she's got to be here by 9.45, right?
26:02I'm saying nothing.
26:04I should have had it professional.
26:06You have to go, Aidan. I'm late.
26:09Not until you say yes!
26:10I can't say yes!
26:18Things have changed.
26:20I've seen a different world.
26:23A world without me in it.
26:26Sorry.
26:30I'm on my way.
26:40I've been away.
26:42I've been away.
26:43I've been away.
26:44Coming back to you.
26:48Know you love me too.
26:53I've been around.
26:58I'm coming around.
27:07Fucking hell!
27:09I've been around the world.
27:10I've been with many girls.
27:12But they can feel me like you too.
27:15I know that you're the one.
27:19The one, the only one.
27:21That's why I'm coming back to you.
27:28Morning.
27:29Morning.
27:30I'm on my way.
27:35I've been away.
27:37On my way.
27:39On my way.
27:41On my way.
27:44On my way.
27:45On my way.
27:49I'm on my way.
27:53And where is Ms Straw?
27:56Um...
27:57She's on her way.
27:59Beryl, kindly phone Marcia Bell's agent.
28:06Tell him we would like to offer Miss Bell the part of Barbara
28:09in Jim and Barbara.
28:12It would be my pleasure.
28:16Oh!
28:19So, so, sorry, everyone.
28:21Still have me watch set to Blackpool time.
28:28Oh.
28:29Yes, um, welcome, everyone, to this new comedy playhouse.
28:38It's called Jim and Barbara.
28:41It's written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardner.
28:44Starring Clive Richardson, of course.
28:46And introducing Sophie Straw.
28:49Hey.
28:53Ahem.
28:55If you do want me,
28:57Give me a little sugar.
28:59If you don't want me,
29:02Don't leave me on, girl.
29:04But if you need me,
29:06Show me that you love me.
29:08And when I'm feeling blue,
29:11And I want you,
29:13There's just one thing
29:15That you should do.
29:18Just give me some kind of sign, girl.
29:21Oh, my baby,
29:23Just show me that you're mine, girl.
29:26Oh, yeah.
29:27Just give me some kind of sign, girl.
29:30Oh, my darling,
29:32Just show me that you're mine, girl.
29:34All right.
29:36And Mike's Fade on Barbara and Jim on the doorstep.
29:39Music, end credits.
29:43Thank you, everyone.
29:44Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.
30:05Can we take that as a green light, sir?
30:08I shall inform you when I've made my decision.
30:11Whatever happens,
30:23Thank you so much for giving me this chance.
30:27Oh, it's quite...
30:29Oh, yeah.
30:43Yeah, sorry.
30:46Oh, my God.
30:50Oh, my God.
30:51Oh, my God.
30:53Oh, my God.
30:54Oh, my God.
30:56What if old fucked-up sergeant says no?
31:04We've written it for her now.
31:06She didn't shit up any of the jokes.
31:09Plus, we know Dennis likes her.
31:12Did you see his face when she hugged him?
31:13Face? I could hardly see it behind his enormous lob.
31:17You are disgusting.
31:19Yeah.
31:21You know, if she does get the part,
31:23they'll have to find a way to be a convincing couple.
31:25Though, I suppose, as long as they can act, it'll be all right.
31:28You're the expert.
31:30Oh, here we go.
31:32Time to fuck with Tony.
31:33Did June know when she married you?
31:37Bill, mate, you're drunk.
31:39Well, that's when I'm up my most sparkling.
31:42Oh, fuck.
31:44But what about a practical, sir?
31:46Oh, Jesus, just leave it out.
31:48It's none of your bleeding beeswax.
31:51We're working on all that.
31:52If this comedy playhouse goes to series,
31:56we're going to have to get our normal married couple facts from somewhere
31:59and they sure as hell aren't going to be from me.
32:01Ducky.
32:02All right, that's enough.
32:04Come on.
32:05Bill, please.
32:06I need to lie down.
32:08Please.
32:10Oh, fucking hell.
32:12Oh, my God.
32:19That's going to be good.
32:20I don't know.
32:21Quick, quick, quick.
32:22Quick.
32:23Under it.
32:27Why are we hiding?
32:29Shh, shh, shh.
32:29There's the other key.
32:30Just shut up and try and blend in with the lino.
32:32Sophie?
32:33Are you in there?
32:34Brian, what are you doing here?
32:50Jesus Christ.
32:55Has there been an earthquake?
32:58Are there any survivors?
33:00Uh, Marjorie.
33:01Good morning, Marjorie.
33:04Uh, please, take a seat.
33:05Um, mind the monkey leg.
33:07I beg your pardon?
33:08She means the chair.
33:12Well, it seems you got the job.
33:16We start rehearsals right away.
33:29My suggestion, with your first paycheck,
33:31you get a telephone installed and, uh,
33:33perhaps a flatly spin dryer.
33:39So, your first day.
33:41Don't look so worried.
33:42It's as easy as riding a bike.
33:44Our director will be along shortly.
33:45Well, Dennis was the director.
33:47I wish.
33:48Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert,
33:50one of his safe pair of hands,
33:51to keep us in check.
33:53Why do you wish Dennis was the director?
33:55Oh, you'll see.
33:58Script to joke free.
34:00Far too long.
34:01And we'll never shoot it in an evening.
34:03Everyone say a big hello to Bert Redwood,
34:06our director.
34:07Yeah, sorry, Bert.
34:08That's Tony's fault.
34:09He wrote all the long, unfunny bits.
34:11Right.
34:11Well, I'm sure it'll scrub up nicely
34:13with your experienced hands at the helm, Bert.
34:16Well, don't blame me
34:17if we're still stuck here filming at midnight,
34:19Mahatma.
34:21Or however you pronounce your name.
34:24It's Mahindra, and you know that.
34:25Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.
34:27Right, from the top.
34:3234, I can't hear myself think.
34:34Can you mime?
34:35Oh, my God.
34:36Oh, my God.
34:37No.
34:39Jesus.
34:40You do the action, no sound.
34:43Clive, you're on camera, left, you're on the telephone.
34:45You're being dumped by Celia.
34:47Cicely.
34:47Who cares?
34:49Sophie Strauss, you're still cleaning,
34:50but you're listening in to that telephone call.
34:53You just walked into a camera.
34:56What?
34:58Ah.
34:59On the lights, there'd be four ruddy great television cameras
35:02pointed at you, and if you are standing there,
35:03you're going to be on the cameraman's lap.
35:06Now, as much as he might enjoy it, dear,
35:07it doesn't make good telly.
35:09Sorry, Bert.
35:10Just felt like the right place to be.
35:13Felt like the right place to...
35:15Felt like the...
35:16You know, this isn't Hedda Garbler.
35:19We're not plumbing our emotional depths.
35:22We are blocking a shitting sitcom!
35:27Now, just stay where I bloody well put you.
35:32Not on the coat rack!
35:33You know, maybe I could help here.
35:36Look, but when I'm on the telephone,
35:39would it help if perhaps I would be here for Sophie's...
35:43But we've actually got a better line for her.
35:45She messed up that.
35:46It feels a bit shallow.
35:49Do you know what?
35:51We may as well cut the whole bloody scene!
35:53Then it would be too short.
36:00And not very funny.
36:03Bit like Bert.
36:06Very good.
36:06Well, all right.
36:08I suppose that's a wrap.
36:10Let's reconvene tomorrow at the studio for the dress rehearsal, 9am sharp.
36:15Oh, Sophie.
36:16Uh, the press department have organised, uh, an interview for you.
36:20Me?
36:21Hi, I'm Diane North, Cherry Magazine.
36:24Hi!
36:25Well, shall we?
36:27I've never done an interview before.
36:29Well, judging by that rehearsal, you can clearly hold your own.
36:32Oh, my God.
36:33Bert got his pants in a right-o bunch.
36:36Oh, don't write that down.
36:38I'll get in trouble.
36:38Too late.
36:39It's in.
36:39Oh, I'm such a dippy-doodle!
36:42It's fine.
36:43I was joking.
36:47So, have you ever read Cherry Magazine?
36:50Is it anything like Women's Weekly?
36:53It's for young girls.
36:54So, less knitting cakes for the WI and more of the important issues of the day,
37:00like what clothes you wear.
37:02Who your boyfriend is and what you cook for him.
37:05You don't like your job, do you?
37:08Oh.
37:11I trained as a news reporter.
37:13Really?
37:14But it's taking a while to get my foot in the door.
37:17Right.
37:18This is fun for now.
37:19And I've got to say, I love the freebies.
37:21And we get membership to places like the vaults of St James.
37:23The what of the what?
37:25It's a cool nightclub.
37:26Oh!
37:27Like talk of the town.
37:28With fewer pensioners.
37:30It's the hottest ticket in London.
37:32You dig it.
37:34Look.
37:35Give me a ring sometime.
37:38And I will take you there.
37:41Dearest Bubble.
37:45Work at the factory is as action-packed as ever.
37:49The sugar boiler went on the blink, but we fixed it with a wingnut.
37:53Home life is very quiet.
37:54I can't wait to see you in action, my love.
38:02I've told Mari I'm going down to a rock convention.
38:05She thinks I'm joining the Rolling Stones.
38:08I'm bursting with pride.
38:09Got a smile on me face and a spring in me step.
38:13See you there.
38:14Ying-tong-de-lai-pon.
38:15Here we are.
38:26Sorry, can I just have a moment?
38:27Is this all for me?
38:50Yes.
38:51Thanks again for taking a chance on me.
38:58Well, you'll be terrific.
39:00You've really lifted the show.
39:02I've always hoped to find someone like you.
39:06Comedy-wise, obviously.
39:09Obviously?
39:11Yeah.
39:12I'll leave you to it.
39:13Does Bert really want me to wear this?
39:36He wants to show your shape, dear.
39:40Well, I'm the cleaner.
39:44Who mops floors in a get-up like this?
39:47It's a sitcom, not a play for today.
39:53All right.
39:54What do you think?
39:56Oh, my God.
39:59Right, then Jim says,
40:01that's nearly a mouthful.
40:04It's good.
40:07Why doesn't it work?
40:09Rhythm.
40:09By putting in a very, there.
40:12That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:14That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:18Well, that's very nearly a mouthful.
40:19That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:21Again?
40:21Oh, that's very nearly a mouthful.
40:24That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:26That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:27That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:29That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:31Holly.
40:32That's very nearly a mouthful.
40:34Mr. Marendra, you all needed in wardrobe.
40:36Has something happened?
40:37Yeah, the British Museum called.
40:39They want that outfit back.
40:45Madam doesn't like her costume.
40:49It's just, when I watch a comedy,
40:51the characters I like have imperfections.
40:54They're real.
41:00Night, George.
41:01Night, George.
41:02Night, George.
41:03Don't stay too late.
41:05Good night, ladies.
41:06Be good.
41:07If you can't be good, be careful.
41:21So, here we are.
41:22Sophie, welcome to the space.
41:37Now, make sure that you have everything,
41:38your props, et cetera, et cetera, right where you want them.
41:40This is your manner, mate, as Bill and Tony would say.
41:45When have you ever heard either of us ever say that?
41:47He thinks we're the fucking pearly king and queen.
41:51Oh, what a perfect pair.
41:53Oh, cheeky.
41:55But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake.
41:57Everything on this set is fake.
41:59Including the lead actor.
42:00Oh, ha, ha.
42:01Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
42:02Oh, ha, ha, ha.
42:03Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
42:03Not the face, not the face.
42:05That's the law, fakery.
42:06All right, children.
42:08Thank you very much.
42:10Do not destroy the set.
42:11Sorry, Dan.
42:11First positions.
42:13Mm-hmm.
42:13Hello, boys and girls.
42:18No, just Bert in the control room.
42:21Sophie Straw, this is a dress rehearsal.
42:23Why aren't you in costume?
42:27I am in costume, Bert.
42:29That is not the costume I had planned, Sophie Straw.
42:33Sorry, Bert, that was my decision.
42:34I'm not prepared to take orders from a...
42:36From a what?
42:37Please do continue.
42:39Let's just run this wretched scene
42:41from when Barbara comes in with a vacuum cleaner.
42:43And trust me, it won't be nearly as funny
42:45now we can't see down her top.
42:47Okay, camera one.
42:49You're a slave on Sophie.
42:50Show me what you got.
42:55See, now that's funny.
42:56That, that's funny.
43:07Right.
43:08First positions.
43:10Action.
43:11Well, Cicely, darling, look, of course,
43:13there is absolutely no other woman in my life.
43:16Oh, Jim?
43:17Mm-hmm?
43:17Do you want me to polish your knick-knacks?
43:21Knick-knacks has got two Ks in it.
43:22She'll be funny.
43:23Maybe the logic's off.
43:25Oh, this, this might sound rubbish,
43:27but, um, I could pick up me feather duster
43:30and say, Jim, can I flick it on your knick-knacks?
43:34That's a good idea, Sophie.
43:36Give it a go.
43:37Three Ks, even better.
43:38Well, I might take a boat or I'll take a plane.
44:04I might hitchhike or jump over a road train.
44:08You can love God's radio train.
44:12Well, love's not a little bit, all right.
44:15Oh, man.
44:16Oh, man.
44:16Oh, man.
44:17Oh, man.
44:18Oh, man.
44:18Oh, man.
44:19You can love God's radio train.
44:20Oh, man.
44:20Oh, man.
44:21Oh, man.
44:22Hell yeah.
44:23I am Sis Lee.
44:25Oh, so, do you want me to be Jim?
44:29Of course.
44:30Oh.
44:30Oh, hell yeah.
44:33I found this downstairs on the mat.
44:36Hmm.
44:37I've never had a telegram before.
44:38Oh.
44:38well I hope you're proud of yourself first your mother and now you abandoning him
45:03his poor heart can't take it look there's a train first thing tomorrow morning be on it I can't come
45:10tomorrow Auntie Marie I'll be letting an awful lot of people down I'll come first thing Saturday
45:19you might be dead by Saturday but Auntie Mary you don't understand how no
45:49it's time to go home we've been out too long so baby let's go
46:09you
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