- 2 weeks ago
Funny Woman Season 1 Episode 5 - FULL
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00:00I had no idea that word is even in a woman's vocabulary.
00:04I can only imagine the distress it caused both crew and members of the audience unlucky enough to hear it.
00:09I'm so sorry. In my defence, sir...
00:10I don't want to hear your defence. I don't want to hear anything coming from your gutter mouth.
00:16You have displayed a degree of moral turpitude that is absolutely unacceptable.
00:21You have single-handedly set fire...
00:23to everything this network stands for.
00:27As of today, you are suspended from your duties.
00:31No!
00:33But... but who'll be in Jim and Barbara?
00:36Clive Richardson will continue in his role as Jim.
00:40What?
00:40He wasn't the one that used the foul language.
00:43But he was the one who did the foul deed.
00:45We have issued a press release citing inability to work due to sudden illness as the explanation for your absence.
00:51Your network passed.
00:57You can see yourself out.
01:11Sous aucun prétexte, je ne veux avoir de réflexes malheureux.
01:19Il faut que tu m'expliques un peu mieux comment te dire adieu.
01:27Mon cœur de silex, lui de profet.
01:31Ton cœur de pirex résiste au feu.
01:34Je suis bien perplexe, je ne veux avoir de réflexes malheureux.
01:38Mon cœur de silex, je ne veux avoir de réflexes malheureux.
01:40Quoi ?
01:41Je sais bien qu'un mec, amour n'a pas de chance ou si peu.
01:50Mais pour moi, une ex, les questions voudraient mieux.
01:57Sous aucun prétexte, je ne veux.
02:01Devant toi, sur-ex, posez mes yeux.
02:06Derrière le kleenex, j'en serai mieux.
02:09Comment te dire adieu?
02:17Comment te dire adieu?
02:22I'm going to need a three martini lunch after this to get over the shock.
02:32Hansel.
02:34Yes, Hansel?
02:34Call Dr. Woodcock and ask him to scribble one of his special sick notes, will you?
02:40You'll do, darling.
02:41Nothing too terminal.
02:42Roger.
02:44But the press must never find out.
02:46I'm merely trying to salvage the situation.
02:49How am I meant to make a living in the meantime?
02:52The carry-on film?
02:54Oh, yeah.
02:54It's gone.
02:55It just cast a bubbly little blonde called Barbara Windsor.
03:00Besides, obviously you can't work.
03:02You're infectious.
03:05Orthorubula virus?
03:07Roger that.
03:09Thank you so much, Dr. Woodcock.
03:11Yes, will do.
03:12Bye-bye.
03:13So what have I got?
03:14Mumps.
03:15Oh, great.
03:16Now I have to go around looking like a hamster.
03:18You're in quarantine.
03:19You don't go around anywhere.
03:29Darling, let me help you.
03:31Where would you go?
03:33I'd probably just go home.
03:35Go in disguise.
03:37Oh, I'll go in disguise.
03:39As what?
03:39As a woman who's been shot on from a very great height.
03:42A brunette in that case.
03:59It's Len.
04:00Len Phillips, Evening Gazette.
04:02Remember me?
04:03Wondered if you had any news on when she'd be back on the box.
04:05Oh, sorry, Mr. Phillips.
04:07Len, no, not yet.
04:09She's very poorly with ortho...
04:12Mumps!
04:14She's got mumps!
04:15Face like a bowling ball.
04:17It's terrible.
04:18Send the best from us and tell her we're sorry about her and Clive.
04:24Right, okay.
04:26Cheers.
04:39Morning.
04:44Morning.
04:44Morning.
04:44Morning.
05:09Yeah, it's like wearing a pair of wet trousers.
05:13It feels horrible.
05:14There's nothing else you can do apart from wait for them to dry out.
05:17Well, she should have thought of the consequences
05:19before she went off effing and blinding in front of her boss.
05:22I knew her toilet mouth would get her into trouble one day.
05:28I'm sorry I let you down.
05:30You didn't let me down. You were provoked, Mum.
05:33I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
05:35She should have stuck with Aidan.
05:39No, listen. Miss your bubble. Chin up.
05:44Ying-tong yid lipo.
05:46Ying-tong yid lipo.
06:04All right, this is fucking ridiculous.
06:06You've made your point. Are we literally seven years old?
06:08We still need to get a show on the air this week.
06:11Yeah, well, we had a show, but thanks to Clive and his incredible performing cock, we don't have a Sophie.
06:15Yes, well, let's pick ourselves up and move on as best we can.
06:18No, then. Bill's right. Clive fucked it.
06:21The rest of us managed to keep our private lives separate, mate. Why can't you?
06:25Because he's sexually incontinent?
06:27We had the biggest hit of all our careers and Clive had to jizz all over it.
06:30And you had Sophie Straw. She's a goddess.
06:33Where the fuck do you get off lecturing me about relationships?
06:36If Ted Sargent knew about Bill hanging around in toilets, he would shut down the whole fucking shop.
06:39Oi, leave Bill alone.
06:40Oh, says the man who's so confused about which way to swing, he can't even get his own wife pregnant.
06:44Here's a tip, Tony. Try fucking her.
06:46Shut up, Clive.
06:47Oh, I'm sorry. Was that some big secret, was it?
06:49Bill, what have you said?
06:51Nothing.
06:52Come on, you know what Bill's like after he's had a feud.
06:55Tony, Tony.
06:56Oh, fuck off.
06:57Tony, no, wait. Don't listen to him.
06:58I trusted you.
06:59Stop this. This is not productive.
07:01Oh, Dennis, the great peacemaker, makes everything better except the dark hole at the centre of his own marriage.
07:07Whoa, Jesus, Bill. Take it easy. Don't have a go at Dennis.
07:10Thank you, Clive. I'm quite capable of defending myself.
07:12Well, in that case, how is it you haven't noticed that Edith's making a fool of you?
07:17Oh, come on. I'm only saying what everyone else in the entire building already knows.
07:20She's banging Vernon Whit...bait.
07:22Whit...
07:23Whitbait.
07:24Vernon...
07:25Vernon...
07:26Uh...
07:27Whit...
07:28Whit...
07:29Whitpig.
07:30Dennis.
07:31Whitshire.
07:32Whit...
07:33Whitstable.
07:34Whit...
07:35Vernon...
07:36Vernon Whitfuck?
07:37Vernon...
07:38It's Whitfield.
07:41Not the ladies!
07:43Wait.
07:44Did you just try and punch me, Dennis?
07:46Yes, and I'd like another go.
07:47No, no, no, no, no!
07:49You little shit!
07:50I made you nothing!
07:51You couldn't act your way out with a paper bag!
07:53You...
07:54I told my ladies off you!
07:55I can't leave this!
07:56Oh, stop this!
07:57Oh, this is so silly!
07:59Silly?
08:01You're silly!
08:02With your...
08:03Oh, no!
08:04With the two kids!
08:05Stop this!
08:07Stop this!
08:08Stop this!
08:09Oh, yeah!
08:10You're really got me!
08:11You're really got me!
08:12Wow!
08:13They're close!
08:14They're close!
08:15You're really got me!
08:16You're really got me!
08:17Lost!
08:20Bill, pull the knife down!
08:30You little shit...
08:32You fucking killed him.
08:40Dave?
08:41Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:01Dennis.
09:03OK.
09:09Who do you want to be?
09:12Sandy?
09:14Or Scylla?
09:16Can't have you stuck in here for weeks on end.
09:18You need to take these puppies for a walk.
09:20Does it suit me?
09:22Um, it's a touch medieval monk.
09:25Oh, well, that's my favourite look.
09:27Oh, I feel so stupid.
09:30Why didn't that just keep me trap shut?
09:32Er, no.
09:33Why didn't Clive keep his trousers shut?
09:36You know, in my women's workshop,
09:37we've got a technical word for men who behave like that.
09:39Oh, yeah?
09:40Arseholes.
09:42It is unfair dismissal, though.
09:44So, so you can complain to your union.
09:47Marge is right.
09:48Why didn't Dennis cover your back?
09:49Andrew O'Shea would have stuck up for me.
09:51Dennis didn't know.
09:52Ted got me on me own and that was that.
09:57You go back into Ted Sargent and you demand your job back.
10:00You look him straight in the eye and tell him...
10:02Imagine him taking a great big shit.
10:07No, trust me, it works.
10:09It does.
10:11I've been banned from TV Centre.
10:13They took away my pass.
10:14Pass.
10:15I wouldn't get through the door.
10:16Sorry.
10:17Bye.
10:18Bye.
10:19Bye.
10:20Bye.
10:21Bye.
10:22Bye.
10:23Bye.
10:24I'll see your pass, Miss.
10:25I haven't seen you here before.
10:26What show ya?
10:27The top of the Pops, innit.
10:28MUSIC PLAYS
10:46Can I see your past, miss?
10:50I haven't seen you here before.
10:51What show you on?
10:52Top of the pups, innit?
10:56She's taller than I thought.
10:57Who? Sandy Shaw, innit?
10:59Hang on. Don't they feel on top of the pops in Manchester?
11:16Sophie! Wait!
11:18Dennis? What happened to your face?
11:21What are you doing here?
11:22Getting my job back.
11:24It was unfair dismissal.
11:27Gonna give old bully boy Ted Sargent a mouthful.
11:30This is not the way to do it. And what is this?
11:33Hewitt!
11:34Dennis!
11:35Ah, Eunice.
11:37May I help you?
11:39Uh, I just wanted to let Ted know that everything is under control.
11:46Hm, all right.
11:48Come along, dear.
11:50Now that I've found you, don't run away.
11:54Now that I've found you, don't run away.
11:56Hey! Oh, you!
11:58Tell me a stay, baby.
12:00Tell me a time, all the time.
12:03I don't know.
12:04It's a ridiculous scenario.
12:06Sophie?
12:07I leave you for five minutes and you end up looking like the Bash Street kids.
12:11You could talk. You look like Nana Muscuri in a wind tunnel.
12:14I'm so sorry. I've messed everything up.
12:16No, no, no. So, Clive was being a wanker.
12:18I found that that was all he'd been.
12:20What are we gonna do?
12:21Just keep a low profile.
12:23For the time being, at least.
12:25I'll talk to Ted.
12:27He'll be back in the show.
12:30I promise.
12:34Oh, Dennis. Look, I, um...
12:37Who's that?
12:40Sophie?
12:42Oi!
12:43There she is!
12:45Stop coming!
12:46Come here!
12:47Stop right there!
12:48We're running!
12:49We're running, aren't we?
12:50Oi!
12:54That way, chaps.
12:55That's right.
13:00Hey, Diane.
13:02They've got spinach in my teeth.
13:06Well, only a little bit.
13:09Ah, anyone missing a crucial clipboard?
13:12I think that's the producers.
13:14Oh, is that the duty?
13:16Help reading that.
13:17Some of the calls we get to this show are hilarious.
13:19What does it say?
13:22As a keen gardener, I am deeply offended by your presenters referring to tomatoes as a vegetable.
13:27They are a fruit.
13:28Thank God we finally cleared that up.
13:30Oh, yeah, I'd have to agree with this one.
13:32Andrew O'Shea's garish ties look like sick.
13:35Hey, leave my ties alone.
13:36I think they're snazzy.
13:38Ah, get that woman off our televisions.
13:40Can't you find a decent white girl?
13:44I cannot leave things like this lying around.
13:46Oh, my God, Marjorie.
13:47Is it true?
13:48She's not going to be in the show anymore.
13:49She's just off sick.
13:50What with?
13:51VD.
13:52Why would you say that?
13:53Well, Clive Richardson's a notorious naughty boy.
13:54I wouldn't mind catching a dose of him.
13:55A friend of a friend knows someone who knows Clive.
13:57And they said that the real story is that Sophie Straw's been fired.
13:58Whoops.
13:59My hands left.
14:00Every day, you look at these papers, yeah?
14:02And they say I don't know how to get out of it.
14:03I don't know how to get out of it.
14:04Guys, I don't know how to get out of it.
14:05I don't know how to get out of it.
14:06I don't know how to get out of it.
14:07I don't know how to get out of it.
14:08What would you say that?
14:09What would you say that?
14:10Clive Richardson's a notorious naughty boy.
14:11I wouldn't mind catching a dose of him.
14:12A friend of a friend knows someone who knows Clive.
14:15And they said that the real story is that Sophie Straw's been fired.
14:18Whoops.
14:19My hands left.
14:21Whoops. My hand slipped.
14:27Every day you look at these papers, yeah?
14:30And you just gossip about how much you fancy all the fellas
14:32and how all of the women are just useless sluts.
14:36Why can't you be nice about other girls?
14:40Sophie's Troy is my friend and a person that you know.
14:43An actual person with actual feelings.
14:47Sorry. I didn't realise you were a lesbian.
14:51I didn't realise you were a lesbian.
15:01Whoops. My hand slipped.
15:21I stopped my rambling.
15:30I don't do too much gambling these days.
15:38These days, these days I seem to think about
15:46how all the changes have been about my way.
15:49Thank you, Andrew.
15:50Well, in light of the weather we've been having,
15:52I went in search of the perfect umbrella.
15:54A simple task you might think.
15:56Let me tell you.
15:57Umbrellas range from the sublime to the ridiculous.
16:04They're ridiculous.
16:05I bet you can make even that hat look beautiful there.
16:14Marvellous.
16:17There.
16:18Oh, pretty as a picture.
16:21Oh, my God.
16:24What's the state of this place?
16:26What are you doing here?
16:27I've got me women's group coming round.
16:29Sorry.
16:30Oh, I've got it.
16:31I've got it.
16:32Oh!
16:34Sorry, Kat.
16:35I'll go in the bedroom.
16:36Well, you don't have to go.
16:38Oh.
16:39I think she does.
16:40She can join in if she likes.
16:42Really?
16:43Yeah.
16:44You got a hand mirror?
16:48Will a compact do?
16:49Perfect.
16:50Are we doing make-up?
16:51We're going to make friends with our fannies.
17:00OK, gather round.
17:02I never knew it was so busy down there.
17:04Don't.
17:05I think mine even winked at me.
17:06Mine looks a bit like David Niven.
17:08All right, settle down.
17:11Who wants to kick off?
17:13Marge?
17:16No, do you want to...
17:17I finally walked out on my husband.
17:29And I walked out on the kids.
17:31Oh, my God.
17:33I love my children, but...
17:36I didn't choose to be a mother.
17:43He's not a bad man.
17:44It's just...
17:46It was all just so wrong.
17:49It made me ill.
17:51Yeah.
17:52The grief at...
17:53Leaving...
17:54My kids...
17:55Is...
17:57Spectacular.
18:02Been called heartless.
18:05Negligent.
18:06Scum.
18:07But I had to get out.
18:08Otherwise...
18:09Those kids wouldn't have a mum at all.
18:10Yeah.
18:11People think motherhood's mandatory and fatherhood's voluntary.
18:12To be bloody true.
18:13We're not here to judge.
18:14Hey!
18:15How's Barbara?
18:16Look, you wanna be looking after her, mate, yeah?
18:17She's a diamond.
18:18Yep, she certainly is.
18:19Time to get well soon, yeah?
18:20Will do, mate.
18:21Will do.
18:22Will do.
18:23Yes.
18:24Yes.
18:25Will do?
18:26Yes.
18:27Yes.
18:28Where are you going, mate?
18:29Yes, Jack, where's your motherhood's your mother?
18:30How's Barbara?
18:32Yeah, you wanna be looking after her, mate, yeah?
18:33She's a diamond.
18:34Yep, she certainly is.
18:38How's Barbara?
18:40You wanna be looking after her, mate, yeah?
18:42She's a diamond.
18:43Yep, she certainly is.
18:44It's time to get well soon, yeah?
18:46Well do, mate, will do.
18:51I'm sick of people thinking that I'm responsible for the well-being of a fictional character.
18:57I think the lines are slightly blurred.
19:01Fucking hell.
19:02What's the title of this week's show? Mayhem at the Morgue?
19:05Bombay Calling.
19:06I wish it was.
19:07Love to be out of this dump.
19:09Yes, Barbara is away and Jim is hosting high tea for his political counterpart from Bombay.
19:15Is this your idea, Dave?
19:16No.
19:17It's Ted Sargent's suggestion.
19:19That means we've got no fucking choice in the matter.
19:22Who's gonna play it then?
19:23Jim's Indian counterpart?
19:25Oh, please, not some bloke with boot polish on his face?
19:28Absolutely not.
19:29There'll be no minstrelsy.
19:31Have a very good actor in mind for the role.
19:33Good.
19:34I...
19:35Um...
19:40Um...
19:42I should, um...
19:44Okay, yeah, no.
19:45I should, um...
19:46Before, I went...
19:48Uh, had a...
19:49Maybe just a bit...
19:50What I...
19:51You know, what I want to...
19:52Are you coughing up a furball or trying to apologize?
19:55Yes.
19:56That.
19:57Uh, the last one.
19:58You know, um...
19:59You know, I am sorry.
20:03Yes.
20:04Well...
20:05I don't suppose...
20:06Any of us covered ourselves in glory?
20:09Very good.
20:10All right.
20:18Oh, what?
20:19Yes.
20:20Uh...
20:21Yes.
20:22Uh...
20:23Uh...
20:24Yes.
20:25All right
20:32Yes
20:46Right
20:52Chaps this is Harinder Singh
20:55Ah
20:58Hello, hello
20:59Tony Holmes
21:00What's to meet you?
21:01Phil Gardner, you all right?
21:02You know Clive Richardson?
21:03Ah
21:04Who's in charge here?
21:05Very good
21:06Very good
21:07Right
21:08Point already
21:09Take a seat, please
21:11Thank you so much for coming in
21:13My pleasure
21:14So before we start
21:15Is there anything you'd like to ask about the park?
21:17No, I think it's all pretty self-explanatory
21:19Good
21:20Actually, I do have a question
21:22I've always...
21:23What is under the hat?
21:27What's under yours?
21:28Ah
21:29I'm not wearing a hat
21:31Nor am I
21:33Oh, right
21:35Well
21:36Yes
21:37Um
21:38So why don't we, er
21:39Try the seams
21:40Yeah
21:40So if we get it on his feet
21:42Er
21:43You come through the door
21:44Right
21:45It's off book
21:48So, Harinder, yes
21:49Have you come in from the other side?
21:50Thank you
21:53Um
21:54Right
21:55Right
21:58Hello
21:59I am Jim
22:04You have good journey?
22:06Yes, I have good journey
22:09But I don't have a hearing problem
22:11Ah
22:12Er, please
22:13Come in
22:14May I take off my shoes?
22:19Dear Dad
22:20Today for entertainment
22:22I watched a fly lay eggs on a sausage
22:24And then race two raindrops down the window pane
22:28I can't stop thinking about what I'm missing
22:31There are clouds
22:33Yeah
22:35Dennis said to hold tight
22:36And that he'll get me back on the show
22:38But I don't think even Dennis can work miracles
22:41The literary White House is concerned
22:43For the moral fibres and the well-being in his beloved country
22:47Please write again soon
22:49If I sound desperate
22:51It's because I am
22:52Ying Tong is lipo
22:54You will see the sun
22:57Come shining through
22:59Oh, Vernon's cocktail parties are legendary
23:03His ideas on Wittgenstein are absolutely mind-blowing
23:09Mmm
23:11You barely spoke
23:16Why did you want me to come with you tonight?
23:18Everyone was desperate to meet the producer of the hilarious Jim and Barbara show
23:25Well, I'm sorry if they were expecting Norman wisdom
23:29Did you want me to see you?
23:37What do you mean?
23:41Edith, I saw you with Vernon
23:46Well, you haven't kissed me like you mean it for years
23:49Well, if I've been negligent in any way
23:55Negligent?
23:56Oh, Jesus Christ, Dennis
23:58You sound like you're dictating a legal document
24:01Be angry!
24:02Shout at me!
24:03Where's the passion?
24:04All right!
24:06You're my wife
24:07I love you
24:08But you're not in love with me anymore
24:11Are you?
24:12Are you?
24:19Too long, poor steps
24:26Are you in love with Vernon?
24:28As a matter of fact, I am
24:31And he's very much in love with me
24:34And when we fuck
24:36He makes me feel like
24:38Aphrodite
24:39Aphrodite
24:40Kiss me each morning
24:57For a million years
25:02Hold me each evening
25:05Hold me each evening
25:08By your side
25:12Tell me you love me
25:14For a million, a million years
25:17Tell me you love me
25:19For a million, a million years
25:22Then if it don't work out
25:24Then if it don't work out
25:32Then if it don't work out
25:34Yes!
25:35So!
25:36So, come down!
25:37We'll go now!
25:39I'll come to rescue her
25:41Come down!
25:42You don't want to do, come down!
25:43Tell me goodbye
25:49Come on, you two!
25:52Bloody hell!
25:53I was all set for an early night
25:55You and my grandma
25:56Dennis said to keep a low profile
25:58You can't get much lower than this
25:59You'll be fine
26:00Are we going for a night out in Smalls' lair?
26:05Hi
26:06Welcome to the munch
26:12Thank you
26:15It's Charlie
26:18Frankie
26:19What?
26:22What?!
26:23The tears are going up
26:26You're gonna walk down your wrist
26:29And your friends, baby
26:31They're treating you like the past
26:34Don't you want somebody to love
26:40Don't you need somebody to love
26:44Wouldn't you love somebody to love
26:47You better find somebody to love
26:51Don't you want somebody to love
27:21Don't you want somebody to love
27:31You don't hold me
27:33Don't try to change me in any way
27:38You don't hold me
27:41Don't tie me down
27:44Because I'll never stay
27:46I don't tell you what to say
27:52I don't tell you what to do
27:55So just let me be myself
28:00That's all I ask of you
28:03I'm young
28:04And I love to be young
28:07I'm free
28:08And I've got to be free
28:11To live my life
28:13The way that I want
28:14To say and do
28:16Whatever I please
28:18How do you miss her?
28:45Tell me what to do
28:46Tell me what to say
28:50And please
28:51When I go out with you
28:54Don't burn me on display
28:57Tony!
29:01Tony!
29:02Tony!
29:03Tony!
29:03Tony!
29:04Tony!
29:04Tony!
29:05Tony!
29:06Tony!
29:07Tony!
29:08Tony!
29:09Tony!
29:34Tony!
30:36I mean, I'd worked it out about Bill, but...
30:54Oh, well done, Sherlock.
30:57What, you?
30:59What about June?
31:02I mean, are you going to tell her?
31:06So, it was June's idea.
31:10What?
31:13She wanted me to get out, try it, find out.
31:17Once and for all, she said.
31:22She must really love you.
31:24And I really love her.
31:30We just can't seem to, you know...
31:37And did you find out?
31:42I found out that I like both.
31:51I don't even know what that is.
31:54Fuck.
31:54You know, in a way, I envy Bill.
32:02Life is not easy for him at all.
32:05But at least it's clear.
32:08Who says it has to be clear?
32:10It's nobody's business what goes on between you and June.
32:14Do what you want.
32:15I'm not as brave as you, Sophie.
32:23Me?
32:24Brave.
32:27I just make it up as I go along.
32:29And I've no idea what happens next.
32:37So, where are we with the script?
32:40Morning, Frank.
32:40Well, it's been rather difficult to find the right dynamic without Sophie.
32:44The chaps have worked incredibly hard on a temporary fix.
32:48As I'd expect.
32:49Yes, we've had a bit of good fortune with casting.
32:51Ah.
32:52With the role of Gneet, the politician.
32:54Yes.
32:55Hmm.
32:56The chap we've got, he has great timing.
32:58Quite fine.
33:00Yes, he certainly is.
33:02Oh, you've heard of Harinder Singh?
33:04Who?
33:05I thought we'd discussed Spike Milligan.
33:08Spike's a huge star.
33:09Don't imagine that he's affordable or available.
33:11Then I shall put a call into his agent.
33:14Well, it wasn't just that, sir.
33:15You thought it would be more authentic and fun to have Harinder in the park.
33:21Spike does an hilarious turn as a Pakistani.
33:23Yes, well, our character is Indian.
33:25He was born in India, for goodness sake.
33:27He can do the lot.
33:27Well, Harinder Singh is very funny and I'd like to give him the part.
33:35If you wish me to seriously consider reinstating Sophie's straw,
33:40Spike will star in the show.
33:41Careful with that supine spinal twist, darling.
33:54I say, this woman seems to think she's Barbara's mother.
34:04Someone should tell her that Barbara is entirely fictional.
34:10No, Barbara is her real name.
34:13You created Sophie's straw, darling.
34:15Oh, so I did.
34:17How thrilling.
34:19I feel like Dr. Frankenstein.
34:21Oh.
34:22I don't think we should show this one to Sophie, darling.
34:24No, I very much don't think she can deal with the distraction right now.
34:30Why did you throw it into the wacky waste paper basket?
34:33Very well.
34:42Ooh.
34:47Now they're at my bloody back door.
34:50Told you.
34:51She's not here.
34:52Wow, Dad.
35:03You're impressed.
35:05Actually, I've got one.
35:09I like cooking, as it turns out.
35:12And then, as you think all nice and runny as you like it.
35:18Yeah.
35:19So, what are you crying?
35:23Well, TV's Barbara doesn't like Dippy Egg.
35:27So, everyone thinks I don't like Dippy Egg.
35:31I'm crying, because you know how I like my eggs.
35:36Come on.
35:39What's she doing here?
35:45Oh, this is her home, Mari.
35:47She's just here while it blows over.
35:51What, sitting here fit as a fiddle, pretending to be poorly?
35:54I'm telling you, the local press will be straight on to it.
35:57We've already had them knocking on the door day and night.
35:59How do you think that feels?
36:00I know how it feels.
36:01Well, you've only yourself to blame.
36:02You went after it.
36:04You had a fiancé and a future here in Blackpool, but, oh, no.
36:08You wanted more.
36:10Just like your mother.
36:12Mari.
36:13Can't you just be on my side for once?
36:15We are on your side, love.
36:16On your side?
36:19I've been stuck to your side all your life.
36:22Come on, Mari.
36:23No, don't come on, Mari, me, brother.
36:25You've spoiled her.
36:27You stuffed her head with all that funny business.
36:30She doesn't know the sacrifices I made.
36:32I never had the chance to have a family of my own because I was always saddled with her.
36:40And then we had a brief moment where it felt like maybe, maybe it's worth it.
36:46But, oh, no.
36:48Boom.
36:50She went and ruined everything.
36:52And where's my egg in dippies?
36:57Horrenders are fined.
37:00We haven't resorted some white act to doing a ridiculous caricature.
37:03It's a small victory.
37:05Oh, it is a fucking huge victory.
37:07This is really good.
37:09Hey, who's that with Dennis?
37:11Fuck me, no.
37:13The fucking godfather of comedy.
37:16Meet Spike Milligan.
37:17Oh, Lord.
37:22Miss Milligan, what a tremendous honour it is to meet you.
37:26I have good Jenny, but I not have hearing problem.
37:33He'll be playing Gneet.
37:38Madam here can clear up the mess while we're at the doctor's.
37:41Oh, George, don't forget your muffler or you'll catch your death.
37:44George, don't forget your muffler.
37:46I heard that.
37:47No, I wasn't doing you, Auntie Mari.
37:49I was doing Aggie from number 22.
37:54I wish I could come.
37:55Well, you can't.
37:56They're still here.
37:57All right.
37:59See you later, Aggie.
38:01We'll see you later.
38:03Excuse me.
38:04Excuse me.
38:05Do me good at the ducks.
38:06Hey, George.
38:07George.
38:08Can you let me put it in?
38:09George, what's that?
38:09No idea where she is.
38:11Haven't you got homes to go to?
38:12Every year when summer comes round
38:23Off to the sea I go
38:26I don't care if I do spend a pound
38:31I'm rather rash, I know
38:34See me dressed like all the sports
38:38In my blazer and a pair of shorts
38:42With my little stick of black wool rock
38:45Along the promenade I stroll
38:49It may be sticky but I never complain
38:53It's nice to have a nibble at it now and again
38:57Every day
38:59Wherever I stray
39:01The kids all round me flock
39:03One afternoon the band conducted up on this stand
39:08All right, Aggie?
39:10Come on in.
39:11I'll pop the kettle on.
39:12So I jumped in this place
39:14And then conducted the band
39:16With my little stick of black wool rock
39:19Joan's sleeping with Harold Pinter
39:22Lucy and Freud said everyone else
39:25It's quite the sophisticated thing to do
39:27Well then, consider me a philistine
39:29I don't want an affair
39:31Are you sure about that?
39:35If you said now that you wished to leave Vernon
39:37And stay married, I would honour that
39:39Well, how gallant
39:41I don't want a man who's with me out of duty
39:44I want a man who can't live another day without me
39:46You're a coward, Dennis
39:49At least I've admitted how I feel
39:52And acted on it
39:53It's in for dig, I know
39:59I thought it best to keep you informed
40:01I thought head sergeant at the press department
40:04Had got control of the story
40:05Well, to a degree
40:07The wretched papers held back the photographs
40:09Of the liaison
40:11But unfortunately
40:13The scoundrels still want something in return
40:16What?
40:18What do they want?
40:20Jim and Barbara reunited
40:22Preferably
40:24The large rock of ice on her finger
40:26Jim and Barbara?
40:29Or Sophie and Clive?
40:30Oh, thank you very much
40:31Well
40:32It's one and the same thing to them, really
40:35Either way
40:37They get an exclusive front-page scoop
40:39Well, anyway
40:43I don't think Sophie would even take me back
40:44She was
40:45She was pretty damn angry
40:47The poor girl clearly still has feelings
40:50And
40:50What girl wouldn't want to be swept off her feet
40:53By Clive Richardson?
40:57However, if you and Sophie were reunited
41:00As love's young dream
41:01Then Ted Sargent would undoubtedly recant
41:04Look
41:09I know I messed up
41:13Oh, winning discretion, dear boy
41:15We all have a...
41:16But
41:16If I am going to win her back
41:21It's going to be genuine
41:21And on my own terms
41:24Not because I'm being
41:27Coerced by some
41:29Filthy tabloid
41:31Thank you for the drink
41:35You're very welcome
41:39Norris, can you get me a wider shot of Spike
41:45When he comes through the door?
41:46I've been caught short
41:47Shot 40, camera 2 next
41:49I'd like to use your facilities
41:50I wondered where I'd left my toothbrush
41:59Congratulations, excellent show
42:03Spike was absolutely terrific
42:05Let's book him for the rest of the series
42:07In addition to Sophie Straw
42:09Sophie who?
42:14We had an agreement
42:15The agreement was that I would consider
42:17I can't help but think
42:22You have a rather overinflated opinion
42:24Of Miss Straw
42:26It makes me wonder, Dennis
42:29If your impulses are entirely professional
42:32Somewhere
42:39Deep inside
42:41The fact that Sophie
42:43Is a beautiful
42:45And funny woman
42:46Really offends you
42:48Doesn't it, Ted?
42:51I would accept your resignation
42:52With great sadness
42:54I've already written the letter
42:55Hey!
43:12Hey!
43:17Well, my temperature
43:18Is rising and my feet
43:19Love the floor
43:20Crazy people
43:22Knock and dump
43:22I want to sell more
43:24Let me in, baby
43:25I don't know what you got
43:27But you better take it easy
43:28This place is hot
43:30And I'm
43:31So glad we made it
43:33So glad we made it
43:36Give me some love
43:39Give me some love
43:42So, Aggie
43:44I hear you've been for a big hike
43:46Around the town
43:47Yeah, yeah, yeah
43:48You must be very tired
43:50How do you feel?
43:52How do I feel?
43:53Yeah
43:53Oh, I, uh, I put me hands out
43:56And I go like this
43:57Ah, very good
43:59Oh, God, sweetheart
44:07You're born to do this
44:10You know
44:10Oh, Mr. Mahindra
44:13Says you're a natural
44:14Didn't he?
44:18When we're doing the show
44:20It's hard to explain, Dad
44:22But
44:23There's nowhere else
44:25In the world
44:26I'd rather be
44:27You'll get back there, Bubble
44:30You'll find your own
44:31Well, my temperature's rising
44:33And my feet love to blow
44:34Crazy people knocking us
44:37I want to sell more
44:38Let me in, baby
44:39I don't know what you got
44:41But you better take it easy
44:43This place is hot
44:44And I'm
44:45So glad we made it
44:47So glad we made it
44:50Get this
44:50Give me some love
44:53Give me some love
44:56Give me some love
44:59What brings you to Blackpool?
45:03Come to see a friend
45:04You?
45:07Well, I mean, I've, uh, I've been an absolute shag-wanking arsehole, so
45:11Hey!
45:15Well, my head's up, my head's up, my head's up, floatin' to science
45:25Hey, never give up
45:26All right, yes, I'm here
45:30You can leave us alone if I give you a picture
45:32Hello, Soph
45:35Will you marry me?
45:38So glad we made it
45:41I want you
45:42Give me some love
45:43Give me some love
45:46Give me some love
45:47Give me some love
45:50Give me some love
45:50Every day
45:52You say yes, okay?
45:59Okay, what are you gonna do?
46:01Hey!
46:01Well, I feel so good
46:06Everything is gettin' hot
46:07You better take the time
46:09I've come to places on fire
46:11Better stop, baby
46:12Cause I have some fun to do
46:14We made it, baby
46:15And it happened to you
46:17And I'm so glad we made it
46:20So glad we made it
46:23Give me some love
46:26Ever and I
46:28Give me some love
46:29Ever and I
46:31Let's go
46:33Ooh
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