- 5 weeks ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30Welcome to Taskmaster. My name is Jeremy Wells and if you're watching this on demand
00:41please feel free to skip ahead six seconds to when this introduction is over
00:45and we finally get to the good bit when I tell you that I am the Taskmaster.
00:53With me on stage tonight are five winners of life and losers of tasks.
01:00Please put your hands together for Alice Sneddon, Brie Tomasow, Jack Ansett, Jackie Bambique and Pax Asadi.
01:15And next to me as always because every principal first violinist needs someone
01:21by their side playing second fiddle. It's the one, the only, Paul Williams.
01:28I am ready for a prize cast, Paul. What have we asked the contestants to do tonight?
01:35This week we've asked our contestants to bring in the two best things that rhyme.
01:41I think we should start with Jack. Musicians, they rhyme. Would we all agree?
01:48Yes, yes. So I DM'd a whole lot of them and I guess just through my high profile I managed to get
01:58Susie Kato.
02:05Yes. And famous New Zealand rapper Young Sizzle.
02:12Young Sizzle looks a lot like young Jack Ansett.
02:17Oh yeah, we hear that all the time.
02:19So they make rhymes. Yeah. Yeah, they do.
02:21Oh, but their names don't rhyme. No, they don't, but they rhyme.
02:24If you've made that one up, why not go to the effort of giving them a name that rhymes with Susie Kato?
02:30It feels like I'm really going to say see you, see you later to five points here.
02:37Jackie, what did you bring in?
02:38Two things that rhyme. A nail and some mail.
02:43Now the nail is self-explanatory and the mail a little bit of a back story.
02:48So I have a wonderful marriage. Thank you.
02:52And my husband and I communicate very well about all of the big things.
02:56With the small things, not so great.
02:58End of last year we get a parking ticket, didn't really sit down and talk about it.
03:02Neither of us paid the fine.
03:04Then I come home, there's a letter from Bay Corp on the table opened.
03:08Threatening court action if I don't pay it.
03:10So yet again, Jessie and I don't communicate about that, but we both pay it.
03:17And then we got sent this letter.
03:19I've never seen a form from Bay Corp saying please stop paying it.
03:24And I am willing to give this to the person who wins this ep.
03:28And if you can be bothered filling out the form, you get the refund.
03:32Wow. Great.
03:33That's good.
03:35So generous.
03:36Okay, Pax, what did you bring in?
03:38We all agree that immigration is a good thing.
03:40Absolutely.
03:42Paul was saying something.
03:43Yeah, I know Paul's beliefs.
03:46But I believe that without immigration,
03:48you guys would mostly just be eating mashed potatoes.
03:51Shepherds by the way.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Like we hate white people food.
03:55You hate mashed potatoes?
03:56Oh, we pretend to like it for employment reasons.
04:00Anyway.
04:01So what I've brought is two things that my people have brought to New Zealand
04:04that have enhanced the culinary experience.
04:06and that is rice and spice.
04:13They're wrong.
04:15They're wrong.
04:16Saffron.
04:17Honourly with you, I do not know what saffron is.
04:20And you know what, Jack?
04:21That checks out.
04:24Alice, what did you bring in?
04:25Well, Jeremy, I think you'd agree one of the things we share in common is a love for 90s sitcom star Christina Applegate.
04:35Yeah, there she is.
04:37Truly the best at what she does.
04:38I mean, could you name a better actor in her field?
04:42There you go.
04:43That's exactly my point.
04:44And you know, I thought what, what could possibly rhyme with her that would live up to the standard that she sets.
04:51And then it hit me.
04:53Christina Applegate and the Sistina Chapel, mate.
04:58Oh yeah.
05:00So, are you saying that that's the Sistina Chapel, like the...
05:04No, I'm saying Sistine Chapel, but I'm doing the respectful thing and doing a bit of an Italian accent.
05:10Oh wow.
05:11Sorry Brie, apologies.
05:12I'm okay with it.
05:13Okay, great.
05:14Sistine!
05:15I think go harder.
05:16Yeah, go harder.
05:17Yeah, go harder.
05:18Yeah.
05:19Brie, what did you bring in?
05:20This is easy for me, because my two favourite things in the whole world actually rhyme, which is art, and of course, fart.
05:28Oh.
05:30Oh.
05:32Now hold on, hold on.
05:33Now hold on, hold on.
05:34You might think that this is just a fart in a jar, and on one hand you'd be correct.
05:40But it needs more context as to why it is art.
05:44Oh my god.
05:45Ooh.
05:46Incredible.
05:47That is amazing.
05:48It's an art fart.
05:49Wow.
05:50Yeah.
05:51No, that's five points right there.
05:52Yes!
05:53Pax, four points for you.
05:54Anything that nourishes billions is worth four points.
05:55I agree.
05:56Susie Cato and Young Sizzle, I'll give you three points for that, Jack.
05:57Wow.
05:58Nice, Jack.
05:59Nail and mail.
06:00Jacky, it rhymes, so I'll give you two points.
06:02And then one point for Alice, because it didn't even rhyme.
06:03Oh, wow.
06:04So at the start of episode five, we're going to give you two points.
06:05It's an art fart.
06:06It's an art fart.
06:07Wow.
06:08Yeah.
06:09No, that's five points right there.
06:10Yes!
06:11Pax, four points for you.
06:12Anything that nourishes billions is worth four points.
06:13I agree.
06:14Susie Cato and Young Sizzle, I'll give you three points for that, Jack.
06:19Wow.
06:20Nice, Jack.
06:21Nail and mail.
06:22Jacky, it rhymes, so I'll give you two points.
06:24And then one point for Alice, because it didn't even rhyme.
06:26Oh, wow.
06:27So at the start of episode five, Brie is running away with it in first place, and Alice is
06:34leaving it where it is and having a lie down.
06:37Right.
06:38Let's get to the first proper task of the episode, Paul.
06:42Here's one that will separate the poses from the athletes.
06:54What are you doing?
06:55You could have done this before I came through the sheet.
07:01There's nothing on it.
07:04What are you doing there?
07:05It helps.
07:06That's what you do, isn't it?
07:08Oh, okay.
07:10Take the most...
07:12Mind-blowing photo...
07:13...on the camera on the tripod.
07:16Most mind-blowing photo wins.
07:18The camera will take one photo exactly...
07:24Five minutes after Paul says the phrase...
07:28Great day for it.
07:30I can't read the next bit.
07:31Maybe we could just read it from the task in your pocket.
07:34Well, shall I just give you this one?
07:36Oh, that's nice.
07:37Your time starts during the next task.
07:41Oh, wow.
07:42So I don't do it now.
07:43I do it during the next task.
07:44I have to take the most mind-blowing photo.
07:45Mm-hmm.
07:48Okay.
07:49See you soon.
07:51Hello, Jack.
07:56Hello, Alice.
07:57Welcome.
07:58You don't need to welcome me.
07:59Well, I just did.
08:00You're welcome.
08:01No, no, you're welcome.
08:02You're welcome.
08:03You're welcome, man.
08:04Welcome.
08:06You welcome.
08:14Kick the ball into the caravan.
08:16Fewest kicks wins.
08:18You may attempt this as many times as you want.
08:21However, if you start again, all prior attempts are wiped.
08:25You must start from the spot in the study.
08:28You have 20 minutes.
08:29Your time starts now.
08:34So in terms of the task, Paul...
08:36Yes.
08:37There's two parts to it.
08:38There is.
08:39Kick a ball into the caravan.
08:40As few kicks as possible.
08:42And then during that task, at some point,
08:44I'll say the phrase, great day for it.
08:46And then they have five minutes to get to the lab
08:48and take the most mind-blowing photo.
08:49Okay.
08:50Excellent.
08:51Right.
08:52Whose minimum kicks and maximum looks
08:54are we going to see first?
08:55By the way, Paul.
08:56Mm-hmm.
08:57You're welcome.
08:58All jokes, Asadi's one of my favourite comedians.
09:03Please welcome Pax Asadi.
09:05Yeah!
09:07Get in!
09:08Get in!
09:09Ten!
09:10That's one kick.
09:16Yes!
09:17That's five.
09:19That's six.
09:20You've got 14 minutes.
09:21Okay.
09:26That turned the wrong way at the end.
09:28That's seven.
09:30Get over.
09:31Glenfield Rovers.
09:32Under-12's top goalscorer.
09:38It went in.
09:39That was good, eh?
09:40Yeah.
09:41Yeah.
09:42Thanks, Paul.
09:43Wait, you don't want to try any more?
09:45Do another one and wipe that one.
09:47No way.
09:48It's a great day for it.
09:54That's the phrase.
09:55What is?
09:56It's a great day for it or let's go fishing.
09:58And I feel like you haven't said let's go fishing,
10:00so it must be that it's a great day for it.
10:02Let's go fishing.
10:03What?
10:04I'm super keen for fishing.
10:05Paul, get in here.
10:06I can't remember how much time I had.
10:08I'm not sure either.
10:09Sorry.
10:11Let's just practice.
10:12Three, two, one.
10:15That's good.
10:16Okay, now what do we do?
10:18Well, I don't know when it's going to go off, so...
10:20Do we have to constantly jump?
10:22I guess so.
10:23I also don't know if the phrase is let's go fishing
10:27or it's a good day for it because you said both.
10:32Was that it?
10:34Yeah.
10:41Okay, so what was going to be mind-blowing about two guys on a mop?
10:48Nothing.
10:50I'm quite happy with my kicks, though.
10:52Yeah.
10:53Glenfield Rovers, under 12?
10:54Under 12's top goalscorer.
10:55Yeah, I can see why.
10:56What sport was Glenfield Rovers?
10:58Soccer.
10:59Oh.
11:03Burn.
11:04What does that mean?
11:05I've said all I need to say.
11:08Alright, get ready.
11:09We're going to take a photo of you as soon as the ad break is up.
11:13So, you'd better be back here by then and you'd better be looking your best.
11:17Your time starts now.
11:19Now.
11:33Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:34Right, what were we doing, Paul?
11:36Our contestants were trying to complete two tasks at once.
11:41They had to get the ball in the caravan with as few kicks as possible,
11:44and five minutes after I said the phrase great day for it,
11:47they had to pose for the most mind-blowing photo in the lab.
11:50Right, whose kicks and snaps are we going to see next, Paul?
11:54It's ladies' night.
11:56Go off, queens.
11:57It's time for my gals, Alice, Bree and Jackie.
12:02Can we start?
12:03Mm-hmm.
12:06Would you consider this a kick?
12:11Is that a kick?
12:12Didn't think so.
12:15Okay, I'm going to start again.
12:16Shit.
12:25Goes away.
12:26What's not?
12:27Oh, shit.
12:33Shit.
12:34No, that's gone badly.
12:35Okay.
12:37Great day for it.
12:38Oh, come on.
12:40Great day for it.
12:44It's a great day for it.
12:45It really is.
12:46Okay.
12:50That's four.
12:51So what are you doing, setting a timer?
12:52Yeah.
12:55That's five.
12:56I'm going again.
12:59Don't look at me like that.
13:04You've got 14 minutes, 45.
13:06Far out.
13:07Time management.
13:15Oh, pretty good, Paul.
13:16Okay, let's go.
13:17Photo time, Paul.
13:19Three.
13:22Let's go take a photo.
13:25Are you sure?
13:26Positive.
13:27Oh, shit.
13:29Will we know if the photo's been taken?
13:31It'll be flash.
13:32Oh!
13:38Oh, no.
13:39I don't think this is possible.
13:40Ah!
13:42Oh!
13:43That's going to be one hell of a fight.
13:44Okay, quick, Paul.
13:45Back up here.
13:46Okay.
13:47Not bad.
13:48Rugby plays do it.
13:49Oh, man.
13:50This might be my greatest moment on Taskmaster yet.
13:54Count me down from 10.
13:55You want to wait till there's 10 seconds left?
13:56Yep.
13:57So you're trying to give yourself more pressure?
13:58Yeah.
13:59Eight.
14:00Seven.
14:01Nine.
14:02Nine.
14:03Nine.
14:04Nine.
14:05Nine.
14:06Nine.
14:07Nine.
14:08Nine.
14:09Nine.
14:10Nine.
14:11Nine.
14:12Nine.
14:13Nine.
14:14Nine.
14:15Nine.
14:16Nine.
14:17Nine.
14:18Nine.
14:19Nine.
14:20Nine.
14:21Nine.
14:22Nine.
14:23Nine.
14:24Nine.
14:25Nine.
14:26Nine.
14:27Nine.
14:28Six.
14:29Five.
14:30Five.
14:31Five.
14:32Five.
14:33Brie, you went for the down on your knees blowing technique.
14:37You wanted a mind blowing photo. I gave you the opposite in the other task.
14:44Jackie, in terms of kicking the ball.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Can you define what a kick is?
14:50So what I was attempting to do there was I wedged it in between my two ankles.
14:54Kept the contact going so I'd started the kick but I hadn't finished the kick.
14:58So it was still kick one.
15:02That's one kick.
15:03Yeah, no we get the idea.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Yeah.
15:06But I was really excited about my photo.
15:07I'm feeling pretty good about my photo now.
15:11Before we get to the photos, how about kicks?
15:14So Pax was nine kicks.
15:16Alice, her final attempt, five kicks.
15:18Wow.
15:19Wow.
15:20Brie, five kicks.
15:22Wow.
15:23Jackie, there was some hopping.
15:26A little.
15:27But seven kicks.
15:28Yeah, I really thought my nine kicks was good.
15:30It is good Pax, just not as good as five.
15:33Yeah, or seven.
15:34I'll tell you what the good news is that there's still one person to go.
15:37And he is unbelievably uncoordinated.
15:41Ready, and set, and go.
15:44Okay.
15:45First kick.
15:48I'm going to hit it over there.
15:52I'm just going to do what we call in the business a trick shot.
15:56Okay.
15:58Don't count that, Paul.
15:59I'm counting every kick.
16:02Whoa, okay.
16:04Then we go down.
16:05Kick the bull into the caravan, they say.
16:07Yes.
16:08Simple task.
16:10Great day for it.
16:14Oh, shit.
16:15Sorry, Paul.
16:20It's 20.
16:21Do you reckon I should try that again?
16:23Probably.
16:24I'm going to try it again.
16:25Okay.
16:26Through the kitchen.
16:28Shit.
16:29Through the kitchen.
16:31Through the kitchen.
16:33Through the...
16:34Yes.
16:39Through the kitchen.
16:41Okay, then.
16:42Have you got that?
16:44Shit.
16:45No!
16:46Through the kitchen.
16:48Yes!
16:49Yes!
16:51Two.
16:53That's three.
16:54Yes, yes, yes.
16:55Three.
16:56Four.
16:57That was the most successful moment in the history of this f***ing show!
17:16Yes!
17:17Oh!
17:18Yes!
17:19Oh!
17:20Thanks, Paul.
17:21Thank you, Jack.
17:23Oh!
17:29I don't even care.
17:31Great work from you, Jack.
17:32Great kick.
17:33Yeah.
17:34You obviously missed the second part of that task.
17:37Are you happy with that?
17:38It was an abstract shot?
17:40I don't know if you know much about the photography field, Jeremy, but sometimes silence speaks volu...
17:47Yeah.
17:48So, in terms of the kicks...
17:49Jack.
17:50Four kicks.
17:51Wow.
17:52Yeah, well that's good.
17:54Alright.
17:55He restarted 22 times.
17:56Yeah.
17:57Okay, so one point for Pax.
17:58Yep.
17:59Two points for Jackie.
18:00Three points for Bree and Alice.
18:02And then five points for Jack.
18:04I think that's fair.
18:05Okay.
18:06Should we take a look at these mind-blowing photos and judge them?
18:11Yes.
18:12Wow.
18:14I look like I'm birthing Paul.
18:17And that's pretty mind-blowing.
18:19Jackie, what have you got on underneath that jacket?
18:21Nothing.
18:22Good, okay.
18:23It's pretty clear to me, obviously Jack is one.
18:26Oh, okay.
18:27Alice is two.
18:29You and Pax on the mop, three.
18:32Okay.
18:33Bree birthing you, four.
18:35Yes.
18:36And Jackie with no clothes on, with an overcoat, five.
18:39Okay.
18:40Thank you very much, thank you very much.
18:42Okay, so how has that affected the overall scores then?
18:45Leading episode five with 12 points, Bree Thomas-L.
18:51Early days, early days.
18:53Let's keep it moving, shall we?
18:55What have you got next for me?
18:56Hear my voice, I entreat.
18:58It's time for another task.
19:03Oh, Paul.
19:04Paul Williams.
19:05Hello, Paul.
19:06Ooh, patriotic.
19:07Mm-hmm.
19:08Oh.
19:09Improve our national anthem.
19:10Biggest improvement wins.
19:11You have 40 minutes.
19:12Your time starts now.
19:13Oh, boy.
19:14How does it go?
19:15God of nations, at thy feet, in the bonds of...
19:24Maybe we bleep every word or reference to thing that I'm not comfortable with.
19:29God?
19:30God of nations, at thy feet, in the bonds of...
19:36Maybe we bleep every word or reference to thing that I'm not comfortable with.
19:43God?
19:44Beep.
19:44From the shaft?
19:46What shaft are we talking about?
19:48Shafts, absolutely not.
19:49The national anthem, when does it play?
19:52Before epic sporting moments.
19:54Do you remember an epic sporting moment from any of my tasks recently?
20:01I think we need to scrap the English.
20:03Do you speak any other languages?
20:05I speak Farsi, which is the language of Iran.
20:08I think New Zealand would be on board with that.
20:10I feel like we go for a pit bull type of vibe.
20:13Because nothing gets me more hyped than Mr. Worldwide.
20:17Agreed.
20:18Kulau!
20:18You don't look particularly excited about watching this task, Brie.
20:26This is the one task that I hope will be cut from the show.
20:30Brie has said that to us in the green room times.
20:32She says it every morning.
20:34I've lived here for eight years and I've done a lot of stuff that I thought would get me deported,
20:39but I'm pretty positive that this will be it.
20:43I've also done a lot of stuff that could get me deported, but I was born here,
20:46so you can't do anything about it, suckers!
20:48Who's anthem are we going to hear first, Paul?
20:52It's Alice Sneddon.
20:55The New Zealand National Anthem.
20:58It's just not good enough.
21:00I have reconstructed it, both to give it a sicker beat
21:03and to get rid of any language I deemed offensive.
21:09I should have done a mihi.
21:10Up at thy feet
21:20In the bombs of love we meet
21:24M-E-A-T
21:25Hear our voices
21:27We ask of you
21:29Our free land
21:34Pacific's triple star
21:39From the
21:40Of
21:42And
21:43Make
21:44Her the fire
21:49New Zealand
21:51E-E-E-Land
22:02Firstly, let me congratulate you for adding that sick beat.
22:07Could we go through some of the words that you took issue with and cut out?
22:10Yeah.
22:11Firstly, the word nations, which is quite important, I guess, if it's a national anthem.
22:17Well, I just think, you know, what's nationalism ever done for us?
22:22What about the word guard?
22:24Guard was gone?
22:26Um
22:26Um, cause I think, why be guarded?
22:32Vulnerability is the most powerful thing that you could ever have.
22:35I hear you.
22:36Like guarded from the truth.
22:37And then you replaced the word meat with meat.
22:40Yeah, that's just a personal preference.
22:44I'm ready for another anthem, Paul.
22:46Draped in a flag with the Union Jack, it's Union Jack Ansett.
22:50God of nations at thy feet
22:59In the bonds of love we meet
23:05Hear our voices we entreat
23:11God defend our free land
23:17God pacific's triple star
23:22From the shoves of strife and war
23:28Make our praises heard of fire
23:35God defend New Zealand
23:42Thank you
23:53I think I, along with a lot of people at home, will be asking the question there, Jack, in what way is that an improvement?
24:03My amazing kick was included
24:07What's happening at any sporting event you're turning up to, say the All Blacks are playing
24:11Yeah
24:12You sing the anthem and then on the big screens they play you kicking a ball in Taskmaster
24:15Yes
24:16Into a caravan
24:17Jack, Jack, be honest
24:18Is it just because you wanted us to see your awesome kick again?
24:21Cause it was an awesome kick
24:22I just think you guys are all ganging up on the young guy because I'm an easy target and that is a reflection on you as comedians
24:29You get the low-hanging fruit
24:31Only you could make being a straight white man in comedy
24:34The low-hanging fruit
24:37I'm just not listening, you guys carry on, I'm just going to play on my phone
24:43Carry on
24:43We've got three more national anthems to go
24:47But first, let's enjoy the global anthem of ads
24:51It's time for more of them
24:52I'll see you in a moment
24:53Welcome back to Taskmaster
25:08The five comedians are working as hard as they can to win Susie Cato and Art Green's fart
25:14What were we doing before the break, Paul?
25:17Our comedians were attempting to improve the national anthem
25:20So far we've seen Alice Sneddon censor half the words
25:24And Jack Ansett turn the celebration of our nation into the celebration of himself
25:28Excellent stuff
25:29And as always, please address all of your complaints to those comedians directly
25:34Thanks very much
25:35Who's up next, Paul?
25:37Up next, with some light treason, it's PAX Society
25:40Are you ready?
25:42Yeah
25:42Are you proud of what we've created?
25:43I'm not sure what you've created
25:45Well, I'm going to be honest with you
25:46I've gone in like a slightly different direction
25:49Okay
25:49But still, I think Middle New Zealand and the South Island are going to love it
25:53And you will wholeheartedly endorse everything I'm about to sing, yeah?
25:57I don't know what you're about to sing
25:58But just yes or no?
26:01Yes
26:01Okay
26:02Unravel the flag
26:03Music!
26:05Music!
26:05Music
26:17Music
26:18Music
26:20Music
26:23Music
26:24Everything that I tell you is right
26:28If you don't accept me
26:31You have to live in the last year
26:38It's the best of everyone
26:43It's the best of everyone
26:47It's the worst of you
26:49It's the worst of you
26:54Kia kaha New Zealand
27:02So Pax, did you improve the national anthem
27:05or did you write an anthem for a new quasi-Iranian military dictatorship?
27:11Yeah, it's a national anthem for a new state that is located in Newland
27:18where I live
27:19The beret was an interesting move
27:21It felt quite Gaddafi-esque
27:24It suited you way too much
27:26Yeah, yeah
27:27And you know, I miss Gaddafi
27:31Oh, sorry, I miss Gaddafi
27:35Holy shit
27:38I think I'm ready for another anthem, Paul
27:40Wobble-dee-da-ba-dee-free-a-shiz
27:42Jackie Van Beek
27:44Hello, you may not recognize me
27:46but my name is Jackie Van Beek
27:47I'm just wearing a wig
27:49We are going to sing the national anthem for you
27:51but this version will be entirely in gibberish
27:54a language that everybody loves and knows
27:57Okay, hit it, Paul, give me my starting note
27:59You may be a road worker
28:18You may be a road worker
28:20And now we go to Harvard
28:45Is that German?
28:46No, German-ish.
28:48Ciao.
28:48Ciao.
28:49Or should I say, Auf Wiedersehen?
28:51Beautiful.
28:53I'm sure you won't mind me asking, Jackie, but what the hell was that?
29:01I've tried to make our national anthem more accessible.
29:04Something that everybody can sing, you can improvise it, you don't need to learn the
29:08words.
29:09Jackie, I don't know if you've been to a school assembly in the South Island, but that's
29:12how they sing the national anthem already.
29:15Okay, you've got one more national anthem for me, Paul.
29:19She's here to answer the question we've all been asking for years.
29:22What if instead of being written by the Irish poet Thomas Bracken in 1876, our national
29:28anthem was written by the Cuban-American rapper Pitbull?
29:32Finally, we'll know for sure, here she is, Brie Thomasel.
29:39We're going down under for this one.
29:40We're going down under for this one.
29:41We're going down under for this one.
29:42We're going down under for this one.
29:43With a hug, who is that?
29:46We love ya.
29:48Cool-o?
29:49Cool-o?
29:50What?
29:51Cool-o?
29:52Cool-o?
29:53That's Paul Cullo!
29:58Cullo!
29:59Team of legends, Cody's neat
30:01Hear our voices, we entreat
30:04Beyonce defend our free land
30:06Guard our pies and local tans
30:09From those Wallabies and English clans
30:11Beyonce defend New Zealand
30:14Go Paul, let's see you shibby
30:18New Zealand
30:23We out
30:28Stay golden, pony boy
30:31That was impressive work
30:36I mean, I never would have thought of rhyming tans with New Zealand
30:39I'm a lyricist
30:42Why was Beyonce defending New Zealand?
30:45That's the only question I have to ask
30:46Look, I had a full-blown panic attack writing the lyrics
30:50And it was the only person I could think of
30:53Replacing God, I believe
30:54Oh, okay
30:56Yeah
30:56So, for me, it's who did the least damage to the national anthem
31:01Not who improved it, I don't think anyone improved it
31:04Okay, I'll be honest, not only did I did audible audio damage
31:07But I also probably did a lot of political damage
31:09So, um, that's an issue
31:11I'm pleased you say that and that's why I'm going to give you one point
31:13Jackie, I'll give you two points
31:16Jack, three points for you
31:18Okay
31:18I think every sporting triumph that we've ever had was humiliated by what you did
31:23But still, that's fine
31:25Four points for you, Alice
31:26Because it wasn't as crap as the other ones
31:31And then, believe it or not, Brie, you're going to get five for Vibe
31:34Wow!
31:35We need to take a quick break so that we can formally write to the New Zealand government
31:43And apologise for what we've just done
31:45We'll see you after this
31:45Kouke mai, welcome back to Taskmaster
32:00The only show brave enough to admit that writing the New Zealand national anthem is harder than it looks
32:05I think it's best that we move on to another task, Paul
32:08Jeremy, this task involves clowns
32:11But enough about the contestants
32:12Here it is
32:14Hi, Paul
32:26Hello, Jack
32:27How are we?
32:28Not good
32:29Oh
32:30Uh-huh
32:32Jackie
32:33Oh, you found your siblings
32:37That's not nice
32:39I was just going to go and check out the gold rush
32:42Time for a task
32:43All righty
32:49Get a ball into a clown's mouth
32:53That's disgusting
32:53If attempting from the closest spot
32:56You may use the spoon
32:58If attempting from the furthest spot, the clowns will not be moving
33:02If successful from the furthest spot, your time will be halved
33:06You may not move the spots
33:08Both feet must be on your spot
33:10Your time starts now
33:11Okay
33:12Can I do one and then decide to do another one?
33:14You can switch
33:15Sweet
33:15So this doesn't seem too difficult, this task?
33:20No, really straightforward
33:21Get one ball in the clown's mouth
33:23Okay
33:24Who's feeding the clown's mouth first, Paul?
33:26They're the only parents this season
33:28So hopefully they've had some experience feeding a human being
33:31It's Jackie and Pax
33:33Quick question
33:35If I throw you the ball, you could pop it in for me?
33:37You could try
33:38Here we go
33:39So just pop
33:40Okay, that's not very cooperative
33:41It's a confidence game
33:45Maybe it'd be better if I closed my eyes
33:50Get in the mouth
33:53It's a weird thing to yell
33:54Paul, could you just put the scurry around and collect the balls for me, please?
33:57Can I change my choice?
33:58You can
33:58Just a couple more tries
34:00Okay, I'll change
34:03Okay
34:04I think I'm going to change tack
34:06So can I have the clowns moving and not use the spoon?
34:08You may use the spoon, but you don't have to
34:11Okay, well now that you say that, I want to use the spoon
34:14Okay, I'm going to throw
34:20All I can hope is that everyone else is unbelievably uncoordinated
34:24Come on, man
34:26Okay
34:28Spoon, this is going really badly
34:35Time for scrummy
34:39This is much harder than it looks
34:42This is really bad
34:43Time for scrummy
34:45Yes!
34:48Stop the pop
34:49I mean, beat that
34:52Thank you, Jack
34:53Okay
34:53Open pass
34:59I imagine, Pax, that that ball would have been on the ground a couple of times, actually, before you fed it to Paul
35:09Yeah, that ball went to a lot of strange places before it went to Paul's mouth
35:12But, um, that task was weirdly difficult
35:16Yeah
35:17But the mounting frustration from even just watching that task was incredible
35:21Yeah
35:21Yeah, Jackie, you were clearly struggling with the throwing
35:24But then at one stage you thought maybe you'd be better if you closed your eyes
35:27Often I am
35:29What if I just kind of free my mind, close my eyes and just go for it
35:32Yeah
35:33I have seen her drive, it's terrifying
35:35So in terms of times, Paul, what are we looking at there?
35:40Jackie, three minutes, 41 seconds
35:42Happy with that
35:43Wow
35:43Pax, six minutes, three seconds
35:46Not as good
35:47It felt longer
35:48So both went from the closest mat
35:52Who have we got next, Paul?
35:53Bree and Jack
35:54I'm just going to try, get a few in
35:59From my softball days, Paul
36:03Do I have to have both feet on the mat?
36:06Ah, yes
36:07Okay
36:08Don't worry, Paul, we won't need too much more of those
36:14You know what I love, Paul?
36:15I love a montage
36:17Cue montage
36:18Hoo-yah
36:19Hoo-yah
36:23Gah
36:25No quidder, Paul
36:26When I get this in, I want it played at my funeral
36:29Can you see to that?
36:30What, kill you?
36:32What?
36:36Do you want to, like, just Google some quotes, like, about success?
36:40There might be a few Dumbledore quotes
36:42It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live
36:46Wow
36:47You getting hungry, Paul?
36:48Yeah
36:48Yeah, I'm pretty hungry too
36:50Tell you who's very hungry
36:51Yeah
36:52This guy
36:53You guys want me to cave and do the spoon, don't you?
36:56I'm not caving
36:57I know
36:58Thanks, mate
37:07Thank you, Bree
37:08See ya
37:08Bye
37:09Oh my god, they're getting another memory card
37:12That's how you know you take for too long
37:14We're in those quotes, Paul
37:17Happiness
37:18Yeah, I've got a plan
37:24I'm gonna get some blocks
37:25And I'm gonna make a funnel
37:27I'm gonna make a funnel
37:28Okay
37:28Okay
37:28Just need to push it in
37:38Push it in, push it in
37:40With one more
37:41Come on, one last push
37:44I've stopped the clock
37:46Oh my god
37:48Thank you
37:50Wow, Jack
37:57What was it about this task that made you bring up your death multiple times?
38:00I don't think that footage reflected how painful that was
38:05I will forever be haunted by hearing you say push it in, push it in, come on, just one more push
38:10Bree, you look like a clown had done something to you at some stage
38:15Like the idea of biffing them that hard, did you think that was gonna help them go in?
38:19Honestly, I could not wipe my arse for three days
38:22My arm and shoulder was so sore from like throwing so many balls
38:29And then I'm not joking, got it in first go with the spoon
38:32Who would have known?
38:33Oh, okay
38:34So Bree took 29 minutes and 36 seconds
38:38Which was 186 attempts
38:40Jack, 55 minutes and 8 seconds
38:43Oh, not bad
38:45Which was 639 attempts
38:47But
38:49He did get it from the furthest spot
38:52Which means it's halved 27 minutes and 34 seconds
38:56I mean, I've got to say
38:57The funnel was quite a feat of ad-hoc engineering
39:00Thank you, thanks for the compliment
39:01Well, I would actually like to say a couple more things
39:03Oh, you will, okay
39:04The task did say both your feet had to be on the spot
39:08Oh, for God's sake
39:10Roll tape
39:12I wouldn't say that's in the mouth
39:15It's in the mouth
39:17It's in the mouth
39:19It's in the mouth
39:21It's in the mouth
39:23That's definitely disqualified
39:26Oh
39:27Oh
39:28If it's any consolation, lovely calves
39:32They look great
39:33Lovely calves
39:34They look great
39:35Beautiful
39:35It's break time now
39:36But we'll be back soon with more from the mouthy clowns
39:39And also the rest of the task
39:41We'll see you shortly
39:41Welcome back to Taskmaster
39:56Where comedians are trying to force food into the mouths of clowns
39:59In what I'm sure for one young viewer at home
40:02Is a formative moment
40:03And the beginning of a lifelong fear
40:05Who's the contestant heading to Clown Town next, Paul?
40:09It's Alice Sneddon
40:10Your time starts now
40:11Okay
40:12Can I change my mind?
40:17Yeah
40:17Do you think that'll be a good time?
40:31No
40:31What would you consider a bad time?
40:34Anything above 10-15 seconds
40:36Okay
40:37Thank you, Alice
40:39I mean, it's so easy
40:47That's how you do it
40:48But you had to use the spoon
40:51No
40:51No
40:52Okay
40:52I think it's said you may use the spoon
40:56Every time I succeed on this show
40:58Jack loses years of his life
41:01If it was a soccer ball, I would have just
41:04So Jack disqualified
41:08Brie, 29 minutes 36
41:10Pax, 6 minutes 03
41:12Jackie, 3 minutes 41
41:14Alice, 2 minutes 28
41:16So that's 0 points for Jack
41:182 points for Brie
41:193 points for Pax
41:204 points for Jackie
41:22And 5 points for Alice Sneddon
41:23Good show, good show
41:27Okay
41:27How are the episode scores going, Paul?
41:30In first with a 4-point lead
41:32Over second
41:33It's Brie Thomas-L
41:34Okay, you guys
41:38Head up onto the stage
41:40For the final task of the show
41:42Okay, Paul
41:47Who's reading the task tonight?
41:50Pax Asadi
41:51Count the popcorn popped
41:52Closest to the correct amount wins
41:54Simultaneously
41:56The taskmaster will conduct a pop quiz
41:58You must pop a balloon of your assigned colour
42:00To submit an answer
42:01Each correct answer will offset your popcorn count
42:045 pops closer to the correct amount
42:07Each wrong answer will take your answer
42:095 pops further away from the correct amount
42:12Okay
42:13Are you ready?
42:16Yes
42:16In what ocean is the Bermuda Triangle located?
42:22Pax
42:23The Atlantic Ocean
42:24Correct
42:25What is the name of the main character in the movie Home Alone?
42:30Brie
42:30Kevin
42:31Kevin
42:32McAllister
42:33Correct
42:33The Grand Canyon lies in which American star?
42:38Yes
42:38Arizona
42:39Correct
42:40Which band is made up of members with the names Larry, Adam, The Edge and Bono?
42:47Oh! Maroon 5!
42:49No
42:49How many states are there in the United Arab Emirates?
42:55Alice
42:5512
42:57No
42:57Have there been less or more than 1,628 All Blacks?
43:05Jack
43:05Less
43:06Correct
43:07What colours are on the flag of the Ivory Coast?
43:12Pax
43:12I'm f***ing dizzy
43:14Um
43:14Orange
43:16White
43:18And green
43:19Orange, white and green
43:20Correct
43:21Oh!
43:23Oh!
43:24That was horrific
43:25Landed it
43:26Oh!
43:28Wow
43:28On your spots please
43:30Write your answer please
43:31Okay
43:35Alice
43:36236 Pops
43:38Brie
43:39I just went with 301
43:41Whoa!
43:42Oh god
43:43Jack
43:4376
43:44Jackie
43:47Closer to what I had
43:48I had 107
43:50I went with 200
43:52Okay we've got all those
43:54Come on down and we'll score it
43:55So the correct number of popcorn
44:03371
44:04Oh!
44:05So after the quiz adjustments
44:09Alice 231
44:11Jack 81
44:12Pax 210
44:14Jackie 107
44:16And Brie 306
44:18That means 1 point for Jack
44:232 points for Jackie
44:243 points for Pax
44:254 points for Alice
44:26And 5 points for Brie
44:28Wow
44:28Wow
44:29Honestly
44:30So let's talk about the episode scores then Paul
44:34The winner of episode 5 is Brie Thomas L
44:38Congratulations Brie
44:40Please go and enjoy your rhyming item
44:43Get out of there Jack
44:45Go māna hao ao kia roo
44:47Go māna hao ao kia roo
44:48Go māna hao ao kia roo
44:49Oh so sorry
45:06That's a bad start
45:08We can do better
45:10Ding dong
45:11Did anyone order a task?
45:12Oh
45:12Blimey
45:18I'm getting a vibe that you might be a cricket fanatic
45:22And not so much a kind of duck archery fanatic
Recommended
45:16
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