- 5 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00All right, read it and weep, ladies, read it and weep.
00:07The rich get richer, the rich get richer.
00:11All right, who put the damn MetroCard in here?
00:14Whose MetroCard is this? Whose is this?
00:16Y'all, I lost $50.
00:19Wait a minute, Rita.
00:21Say 50.
00:2350.
00:26Now say shifty.
00:28You know, I just hired a Guatemalan busboy. He can't speak a word of English.
00:36But he has an ass you can bounce a nickel off of.
00:39I'm telling you. Come by later. I'll show you. It's the wildest thing.
00:42Hey, will he come with us on our little poker trip?
00:45I'll bring the nickels.
00:48What poker trip?
00:50Oh, every year we take our cussing and slutting and debauchery on the road.
00:54Yeah, you should come. We get a freak on.
00:57Sounds like fun. Where y'all going?
01:00The Bahamas. Paradise Island.
01:02Wait a minute. Who decided we were going to the Bahamas?
01:05Who said that? Who decided that?
01:07We all decided, but three weeks ago, it was tequila night, remember?
01:10Now you know I cannot remember anything on tequila night.
01:14That's why I created tequila night.
01:16Well, we all thought it would be a good idea, and Sue Lynn got us cheap flights online.
01:20I used that new Asian internet company, I knowpaythat.com.
01:27They're good.
01:28I heard you can get a flight for $150.
01:31Really? I know pay that.
01:33Well, she no pay that. I'm not, uh, I'm not going, y'all.
01:40Oh, for God's sakes. We're all going to be in bathing suits. Relax.
01:44Oh, come on, you know, why don't we just go to, you know, one of the Indian casinos, like Foxwoods.
01:49You know, Connecticut is gorgeous this time of year.
01:51If you can find it under the snow.
01:53What is it with those Indian casinos?
01:55I mean, sure, the white man screwed them, but they screwed your people, too.
01:58Why don't they make Harlem a casino?
02:03White people lose their money in Harlem all the time.
02:05Take a walk.
02:08Mavis, why you don't want to go to the Bahamas?
02:10Because I don't fly, okay? I don't fly. Don't ask me again.
02:13You are still afraid of flying?
02:15Yes. Now, look, you know, I believe we covered all of this on bourbon night.
02:21Well, if Mavis isn't going, I'm not going.
02:23What?
02:24Sophia.
02:25Really?
02:27No, don't be ridiculous. It's the Bahamas.
02:30Oh, Mavis, you got to come to Paradise Island with us.
02:45Look, I told you I don't fly. Let's get off the subject, okay?
02:49But just let me paint this picture for you.
02:51Is this going to be a long story?
02:52Yes.
02:55Okay.
03:00Go on.
03:04All right.
03:05Now, it's you in the Bahamas.
03:07Mm-hmm.
03:08You laying out on the beach.
03:09Yeah.
03:10Waves rolling in the background doing their thing.
03:12Yeah, yeah.
03:13And you toe up from the flow up because you've been getting your drink on all day long.
03:17All right.
03:18Okay, you hear what I'm saying?
03:19Now, you hungry.
03:20Mm-hmm.
03:21But it's all good because they got that all-you-can-eat buffet.
03:23Ooh.
03:24Yeah, girl.
03:25About an hour later, you got shrimp all stuck up in your teeth.
03:28Oh, for real?
03:29Yeah, but it don't matter because you're wearing some stretchy pants.
03:31Oh.
03:32Yeah?
03:33And you don't got to unzip nothing.
03:34You could just let all that be.
03:36Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
03:37And guess what?
03:38What?
03:39We ain't even played no cards yet.
03:40No?
03:41No, we ain't even started shaking our booty yet.
03:42Uh-oh.
03:43It's 4 o'clock in the morning and we just getting started.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Oh!
03:47Go, Mavis!
03:48Holla!
03:49Holla!
03:50Okay.
03:51Not going!
03:52Mate Ray, are you boycotting this trip because of me?
03:58Go talk to Boo.
03:59Courtney, why's she always be hating on me?
04:03It's not you, Rita.
04:04Mavis has a certifiable fear of flying.
04:07When our Aunt Jenny died in Los Angeles, she made them postpone their funeral so she could
04:11drive.
04:12Why are you always throwing that up in my face?
04:14Aunt Jenny was dead, dead, dead.
04:15It wasn't like she was going anywhere.
04:17And it gave them more time to get her hair and makeup done, child, because you know she
04:20was a dog.
04:21Oh, no, child.
04:22I howled.
04:23Oh, no.
04:24Mavis, you know it's more likely that you'd get into an accident in a car or a bus than
04:31you would a plane.
04:32No, everybody says that.
04:33But I've had messages from God, you know.
04:35I've had planes that have had bumpy landings, the wind shears, the whole thing.
04:39And the last time I flew, I had a guy sitting next to me die.
04:42Oh, the flight killed him?
04:45No, child.
04:46He was smoked.
04:47God smote him as a message to me.
04:51Well, at least he had a purpose, Mavis.
04:54Well, yeah.
04:55I mean, because there I was sitting next to him.
04:58He just did like this.
04:59Oh!
05:00And you know, I tried to get him up and everything.
05:03I signaled to the stewardess.
05:04She comes over, she looks, she said, hmm, dead.
05:07And then offer me some peanuts and some tiny wine.
05:12Well, I could see why you would be bugging.
05:14Yeah.
05:15But there's gotta be something you could take.
05:17There is.
05:18A bus.
05:25I heard Mavis isn't going to the Bahamas with her friends.
05:28Yeah, she's afraid.
05:29Who's afraid of the Bahamas?
05:31Stupid.
05:32She's afraid of flying.
05:33That makes even less sense.
05:35Airplanes are safer than taxi cabs.
05:37Oh, right.
05:38Especially your husbands.
05:40At least he's married, you pompous celibate.
05:45Shut your pie hole, you peasant.
05:48Are you doing swim fest?
05:50Yeah, I lost about six pounds.
05:52You look fantastic.
05:53Oh, you're such a dear.
05:54Okay, I don't pay you guys to stand around and play kissy face.
05:59Actually, you are.
06:00Nassim just told me about your cowardly fear of flying and it was on company time.
06:05I would duck him.
06:08Now, Mavis, look, I think it's okay.
06:10Look, you're afraid of flying.
06:11I'm still afraid of airports.
06:12You know, security has gone insane.
06:14You know, they say, where are you going?
06:16What is the purpose of your trip?
06:17If I say business, they take me to the little room.
06:19If I say pleasure, I go to the little room and then they bring out the dreaded plastic gloves.
06:25You know, they're actually allowed to search inside of you.
06:31I'll tell you, you're not going to find Bin Laden in there.
06:38I'm just trying to catch that visual.
06:41All I'm saying is everyone thinks their fear is greater than everyone else's.
06:45Nassim, look, I really wish I wasn't afraid of flying,
06:48but I am, so let's drop it, okay?
06:50Okay, fine, fine.
06:51Because, you know, I feel dumb.
06:53No, I'm with you.
06:54Hello, Mavis.
06:56Hello, my brother.
06:58May Ray, I got a gift for you.
07:01It's perfect for you.
07:02Guess what it is?
07:04Cash.
07:05No.
07:06Rent check.
07:08No.
07:10Then obviously you have not shopped well for me.
07:13I signed you up for a fear of flying class.
07:15Oh, great.
07:16But I've already got a fear of flying.
07:20You're not even going to try?
07:21It's only one weekend.
07:23No.
07:25Mavis, I'll take the class with you.
07:27Oh, well, let me think about that.
07:32Let's see, wait, I'm still thinking.
07:36Thinking.
07:37Well, at least she said she'll think about it.
07:51I hear you're too much of a wuss to take your fear of flying class.
07:54Well, what good would it do?
07:55You know I'm not getting on the plane.
07:57There's gotta be a mix of drugs that'll do the trick.
08:01Yeah.
08:02General anesthetic.
08:04But where am I gonna keep the IV drip?
08:07You know, people get very nasty about their overhead compartment space.
08:11I do like that guy that mailed himself in a box.
08:14I can give you a couple of roofies, take you down to UPS and ship you overnight.
08:20Apparently, it's cheaper, too.
08:22Yeah, maybe.
08:23But still, I'd be so uncomfortable not knowing what was going on in the cockpit.
08:27I know.
08:29It's Howard from United.
08:30Chris from Delta.
08:32And that old bastard with the toupee from Valujet.
08:36Talk about foaming the runway.
08:44Was that supposed to make me feel better about what goes on in the cockpit?
08:48You know, Rita spent a lot of money on that fear of flying class.
08:50The least you can do is take it.
08:52Excuse me, I didn't ask her to do that.
08:54And more importantly, if you don't go,
08:56Danielle, Sue Lynn, Rita, and me have to kick in an extra hundred bucks to cover your share.
09:01I didn't ask you to do that either.
09:03Oh, come on.
09:05You owe me. I have always been there for you.
09:08When?
09:10Who talked you out of going to AA?
09:20I don't want to go.
09:21I don't want to go.
09:22I don't want to go.
09:23It's going to be okay, Nathan.
09:24I don't know.
09:25It's not a plane. It's a flight simulator.
09:26I don't trust these people.
09:27Y'all are going to get me on that plane.
09:29The door's going to close.
09:30How do I know that plane isn't going to take off?
09:32Omay Ray, the flight simulator ain't got no wings.
09:35They could always put them on.
09:38Girl, look.
09:39This is where you get the full experience, okay?
09:41We're going to walk over here.
09:42We're going to hand in our tickets.
09:43Then we're going to walk through this jetway into the flight simulator where the class is taught.
09:48I don't believe you.
09:49This is like that time when Mom and Dad took buttons to the farm.
09:55But they really had him put to sleep.
09:58Buttons?
09:59No, I saw pictures.
10:00It was a dirt road.
10:02It was a dirt nap.
10:06Okay, Mavis, I got you here, so I'm going now.
10:08No, don't you hurry. Don't you hurry.
10:09Look at all those people looking at me.
10:11It's like being at the real airport.
10:13Look at them staring at me,
10:15accusing me, searching me with their eyes.
10:17I know what they're thinking.
10:20Nassim?
10:21What?
10:22Your fly is down.
10:28It's like the mouse got out of the house.
10:33Your attention, please.
10:34Simulated flight 523 is now boarding.
10:38No, I'm not going, no.
10:39It's okay, Mavis.
10:40You won't touch the ground.
10:41No, don't do it to me.
10:42Don't do it to me.
10:43Oh, my God.
10:44Oh, my God.
10:45You can't pick me up in that seat.
10:46Put me down.
10:47Put me down.
10:48Put me down.
10:49Come on.
10:50You got to give yourself a hernia.
10:51Wait a minute.
10:52Hold up.
10:53Hold up.
10:54Just let me get a breath.
10:55Just let me get a breath.
10:56Let the people on.
10:57Okay.
10:58Sorry.
10:59This is completely uncalled for.
11:00This is completely uncalled for.
11:01This is completely uncalled for.
11:02Come on.
11:03This is completely uncalled for.
11:04Yeah.
11:05Get it?
11:06Look.
11:07I want to go over here.
11:09You're going to like school.
11:10I don't like school.
11:11You're going to learn new things.
11:12You're going to meet new friends.
11:13Come on.
11:14Here.
11:15Hi.
11:16Hi.
11:17My name's Eddie.
11:18You want to sit next to me?
11:19Go to hell, Eddie.
11:21Come on, Mavis.
11:22We're going to sit down.
11:23Sit down with these people.
11:24Right over there.
11:25Well, hello there.
11:26And welcome aboard Safety First Airlines.
11:29I'm your captain.
11:30Captain Anderson.
11:31You're a captain.
11:32I'm a psychologist with a pilot's license.
11:35Dressed as a captain.
11:37Okay.
11:38Costume.
11:39Costume.
11:40Trying to make the experience as authentic as possible.
11:42So if you'll just have a seat.
11:43Mavis, let him know.
11:44That's ridiculous.
11:45I'd like to introduce my co-pilot, Sheila.
11:48Hi, Sheila.
11:49What do you say, guys?
11:51Kinda makes you float on some smoother air, doesn't it?
11:54Welcome aboard, y'all.
11:56I'm co-pilot.
11:57That's the co-ho.
11:58I'd like to congratulate all of you for having the courage to take this very important
12:07first step.
12:08In fact, give yourselves a round of applause.
12:13Now, I think the best approach is to dive right in.
12:17So let's hear what scares some of you about flying.
12:20Sir?
12:21I don't get how a million pound hunk of metal can stay in the air.
12:25Hmph.
12:26Well, have you ever put your hand outside the window of a speeding car?
12:29No.
12:33Well, that resistance is what keeps the plane aloft.
12:36Yeah, until the engine stops.
12:39You're letting your fear get the better of you.
12:41Look, I'm using common sense, mister.
12:43There's all kinds of things that can go wrong.
12:45Windshears, pilot errors, you know, toilets that suck you right through the little hole.
12:50You're frightening everyone.
12:51You got sudden turbulence.
12:52Or you got iced up wings.
12:54You got those bird strikes.
12:55Bird strikes?
12:56Mm-hmm.
12:57That's right.
12:58You're all along just minding your own business.
13:00And suddenly, there's a suicidal flock of geese heading toward your engine.
13:04They don't do nothing.
13:05They don't even hunk and let you know they're coming.
13:07I...
13:08Just...
13:09And you got toilet paper all over them.
13:10Just go right.
13:11I think you're losing control of the class, dear.
13:19Rita left this in the kitchen.
13:21Oh, yes.
13:22She went shopping today for her trip to the Bahamas.
13:29What's this?
13:31It's a hairnet or a bikini.
13:35To wear in public?
13:36This is uncouth.
13:37Absolutely.
13:38I can't imagine Rita wearing that.
13:45I can't.
13:46I can't.
13:47What kind of junket is she going on?
13:49She'll be besieged by Bahamian beefcake.
13:52Relax.
13:53Just because she's dressed like a whore does not mean she will be accepting money.
13:58Don't worry.
13:59Rita loves you, so you've got nothing to worry about.
14:01I just can't picture Rita wearing this.
14:03Really?
14:04How hard are you trying?
14:10This whole thing is a joke.
14:12I'm leaving.
14:13Oh, fine.
14:14Go ahead and leave.
14:15Live your life like a big, fat baby.
14:16Who are you calling a big, fat baby?
14:18Nobody calls me a big, fat baby.
14:20Well, that's what you are.
14:21You can't do normal things and go places with your friends.
14:28Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
14:30Smooth take off.
14:32Not so bad, is it?
14:33I'm scared.
14:34What is that?
14:35I can't stop shaking.
14:36I'm scared.
14:37Girl, miss.
14:38What?
14:39We're gonna be alright.
14:40No, we're not!
14:41Oh!
14:42We're gonna die here in the fake place.
14:43Oh!
14:44I can't believe it!
14:45I can't believe it!
14:46Help me!
14:47Help me!
14:48Help me!
14:53You just struck me.
14:56Well, I had to.
14:57You was getting hysterical.
14:58I have never been hysterical in my entire life, you cow.
15:03Who do you think you're talking to?
15:05I am talking to you, you M&M wannabe black but can't cause you always gonna be a spoiled rich girl.
15:13What?
15:14Drop the act.
15:15This is no act, okay?
15:17This is who I am.
15:18Yeah, right.
15:19You might be able to put that over on my brother, but you're not gonna put it over on me, Miss Thang.
15:24See, you don't know what's up.
15:25You don't know nothing about me, Mavis.
15:27Oh, please, what's there to know?
15:28You're just some trifling little girl who spends all her daddy's money getting her nails dead.
15:34My daddy don't pay for Jack.
15:35I pay my own damn bills.
15:37Shoot.
15:38You think I'm just some hooch, you got nothing up here?
15:40Girl, I got a degree, okay?
15:43And I got a diversified portfolio.
15:45I got Microsoft.
15:47I got Starbucks.
15:48I got Krispy Kreme.
15:50Hold up, hold up.
15:51You got Krispy Kreme, girl?
15:53That's right.
15:54I'm down with economics.
15:56Shoot.
15:57Every time you park one of your glazed, I go ka-ching.
16:07See, you just like those people I spent all my life trying to get away from.
16:10Judgy people who always got something to say, but they don't got the 411 to back it up.
16:14Well, let me ask you something, Miss Girl.
16:17If you all that, what do you care what I think?
16:20I have to care what you think.
16:22Someday you're going to be Auntie May Ray to mine and Courtney's little Cocoa Puffs.
16:25What's wrong with you?
16:26You've just given me a greater fear than flying.
16:42Ooh, child.
16:43You know what?
16:44For a second, I forgot we were on this thing.
16:45Well, yeah.
16:46I was just trying to keep it real.
16:47You know what?
16:48Riri, you're right, girl.
16:49Let's try to keep it real.
16:50Rita?
16:51What?
16:52What?
16:53What?
16:54What?
16:55Come here, girl.
16:56Now we're even.
16:57Now that's keeping it real, real.
16:58Even.
16:59Sheila, what the hell is going on?
17:00I think the simulators crashed.
17:01What?
17:02What?
17:03You think?
17:04What you think?
17:05Come on, y'all.
17:06Who think we?
17:07Get off the flame, y'all?
17:08Come on!
17:09Come on!
17:10Come on!
17:11Alright!
17:12You're right, girl.
17:13Let's try to keep it real.
17:14Rita?
17:15Come here, girl.
17:16Now we're even.
17:18Now that's keeping it real, real.
17:19Even.
17:20Oh, my God!
17:21Sheila, what the hell is going on?
17:22I think the simulators crashed.
17:24What?
17:25You think?
17:26What you think?
17:27Look, come on, y'all.
17:28Get off the plane, y'all.
17:30Your girlfriend is gone for three hours?
17:38Already you are looking at porn?
17:41No.
17:42This is the swimming pool at the hotel where Rita's going to stay.
17:45It's debauchery.
17:47You want to see debauchery?
17:51Look at this.
17:53Oh, my God.
17:56They have this filth on their website?
17:58This is the Hilton in Paris?
18:00Not exactly.
18:06I don't think I like the idea of Rita going to the Bahamas without me.
18:10You Americans are always so prudish about your relationships.
18:14Maybe she will learn a few things she can try on you.
18:17All you have to do is to get past where she learned it.
18:23It's not that I don't trust Rita.
18:24It's the islands I don't trust.
18:26I went to Sinbad Soul Jam,
18:28and I know the effect Rum and Ray Parker Jr. can have on a young innocent.
18:35Look, thank God you are here.
18:37We were just about to hear more.
18:38How did it go?
18:41The flight simulator crashed.
18:44What?
18:44How does a flight simulator crash?
18:46It was another message from God.
18:50There we were sitting.
18:52And God said,
18:52Mavis?
18:53I said,
18:53Yes, Lord.
18:56He said,
18:57I don't told you about this.
18:59I said,
19:00I know, Lord.
19:01I didn't want to come.
19:04Rita made me.
19:05And then the Lord said,
19:07Look,
19:08the girl has thine own divine light in her.
19:12You see what she done with Krispy Kremes?
19:16I said,
19:17Yes, Lord.
19:18I seen what she done with Krispy Kremes.
19:20The Lord said,
19:20Follow through.
19:22Do not put another cream in thine face,
19:25but invest thine dough.
19:30Well, Mavis,
19:31Huh?
19:31If you're going to stop eating Krispy Kreme,
19:32then I might as well stop investing in them.
19:34Back up, y'all.
19:36The Lord's about to smote her.
19:37You went on the beach.
19:47Thank you, Marcus.
19:53Mavis,
19:53I love Bahamas night.
19:55It was a great idea.
19:57Listen,
19:57thank you guys for bringing this stuff back.
20:00I appreciate it.
20:01It's cute.
20:06Thank you, Mom.
20:07Oh, my God.
20:09So, I will say,
20:11your man's as advertised.
20:14Ain't it the truth?
20:15Yeah.
20:16Here.
20:17Take a nickel.
20:17Give it a shot.
20:19No, girl.
20:20All right, girl.
20:21All right, all right.
20:27Come on.
20:28Try to get one.
20:29Let me try.
20:30Woo!
20:31Woo!
20:31Woo!
20:31Woo!
20:32Woo!
20:32Woo!
20:33Woo!
20:33Woo!
20:33Woo!
20:34Woo!
20:34Woo!
20:34Woo!
20:35Woo!
20:35Woo!
20:35Woo!
20:35Woo!
20:36Woo!
20:36Woo!
20:36Woo!
20:36Woo!
20:36Woo!
20:37Woo! Woo!
20:38Woo!
20:38So, I didn't.
20:40Woo! Woo!
20:44But let me tell you, what happened!
20:47Let's see, your fly is down!
20:53Looks like the house.
20:55Looks like.
20:58Woo! Woo! Woo!
20:59Woo!
21:00Woo!
21:03Take it out.
21:03Done.
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