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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:17Can you pack it in with a harpsichord?
00:19We know what century it is.
00:21Charming.
00:22Right, weird one.
00:24No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:28Come on, you know who you are.
00:29You're all of you.
00:31I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:33because the date on the arse-wiping newspaper
00:35is still the same date as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:40What is the problem?
00:41I don't see the point of it.
00:43Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:46What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:49Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:51and you go to the special room for doing a shit
00:53and someone's in there already?
00:54Well, you just have to wait.
00:56Wait? To do a shit?
00:58How is this a step forward?
01:00Answer, it isn't.
01:02It's worse.
01:03We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
01:05and then hurling them out the window.
01:07But imagine if everyone did that.
01:09I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:11Everyone does do that.
01:12It's called London.
01:13But this flush technology is so exciting.
01:16It's the future.
01:17Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:20and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:23Why is that good?
01:24Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:25Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:27Look, don't fixate on the splashing.
01:29I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:30What's good is that when you've finished,
01:33you pull the handle and the shit just goes.
01:36Forever.
01:37You don't have to worry about it.
01:38I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window.
01:40I don't give it another thought.
01:41No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road.
01:45It's in the river.
01:46Where the poor people go to wash.
01:48Yes, but you're missing the point.
01:50Fuck them.
01:51We have a nice tidy house.
01:52Not really.
01:53There's still piss everywhere.
01:55But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:57What?
01:58You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want to piss.
02:02For a piss?
02:03We're supposed to go in there whenever we want to piss.
02:06Like, every time.
02:07It's just not workable.
02:09You go in the room, you come out of the room.
02:11I have other things to do.
02:13And how do you piss in there anyway?
02:15You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:18Because what's going to happen?
02:19Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:22That's basically all they're for, isn't it?
02:24Soak up the piss?
02:25You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:28You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:33Oh, that was creepy.
02:34Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:39What kind of future are you imagining?
02:41One full of witches and no shit.
02:44In what single way would that be better?
02:47Hmm?
02:55Hi.
03:02Don't need a tray for the case.
03:04Um, sorry?
03:05Don't need a tray for the case.
03:06Um, don't need a tray for the case!
03:09Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear.
03:11Case in the tray.
03:12Oh, but then...
03:13Case in the tray.
03:14Yes.
03:15In a tray.
03:16In a tray.
03:17Yes.
03:17Case in the tray.
03:18Shoes off.
03:23Oh.
03:24Should I take my shoes off?
03:25No.
03:29Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:31In the tray?
03:32Yes.
03:33Yeah.
03:35Is that switched off?
03:37Yeah.
03:37Is it?
03:38Um, I don't...
03:40Oh, I turned it on now.
03:43On?
03:43It can't be on.
03:44You're trying to crash the aeroplane.
03:46No.
03:46Off.
03:47Yeah, sorry.
03:47What are you doing?
03:50I'm taking my belt off.
03:52Who told you to strip?
03:53Sorry, sometimes...
03:54Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:56Sorry.
03:57You can smell your socks.
03:59You're so sweaty.
04:00Sorry, I...
04:01I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
04:04You look very shifty and guilty.
04:06Yes.
04:07Sorry.
04:08Do we need the case after this?
04:09Passport ready?
04:10Yes.
04:10Get your passport ready.
04:11Yes.
04:11Passport ready!
04:12Passport!
04:13Get your passport!
04:14Passport ready!
04:15Get your passport ready!
04:16Have you got your passport?
04:18Is it ready?
04:19What's it you doing?
04:20Look at that, man.
04:21Leave it.
04:22Leave it.
04:22Move it on.
04:23Where is it?
04:24Is it in the tray?
04:24Hey!
04:28Previously on Swearie Aussie Drama...
04:33Fucking fuck, fuckface!
04:37What the fuck's going on?
04:39One cock-sucking minute with one fucking number,
04:42and the fucking next with a fucking nuther!
04:44You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick!
04:47Fuck off, you smelly old arsehole!
04:49I've cocked up fucking fuck all!
04:51Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock.
04:53Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick,
04:56or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:58If you're still drawing breath,
05:00I don't want your cunt fucking farm,
05:02you dozy old twat.
05:11Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm,
05:15you dick-breath old prick?
05:16Fuck yeah.
05:17And I'd tell him a fucking gen
05:19and fuck him up the ass for fucking free.
05:22He cocked up the count.
05:24I fucking kept this fucking farm together
05:26by the skin of my fucking teeth
05:28and I'll beat seven shades of shit
05:30out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface
05:34in the fucking place
05:35before I let you give it a fucking way.
05:43I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:47For fuck's sake.
05:49For crying out fuck.
05:51This is my fucking farm.
05:54Welcome to the fucking family.
06:07A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
06:10It's a symbol.
06:18Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:28It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:34Four sliding wheels.
06:42Five levels of readjustable handles.
06:46I know.
06:47I know.
07:04Cannon-eyed suitcase.
07:08It will fuck you up.
07:10if we had the budget then that sketch would be about cars wouldn't it so the car goes past
07:18everyone goes wow yeah but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars it wouldn't be an exaggeration
07:23because that's literally what they do like you'd be amazed at a mazda really yeah maybe if you
07:28time traveled from the middle ages but otherwise it's just a normal car isn't it and if you've
07:32time traveled from the middle ages you've just seen the inside of a time machine which would
07:36also totally recontextualize the mazda as comparatively mundane hmm they are good though
07:42what mazes no just all normal cars now are much better than they used to be i mean just in terms
07:48of defrosting you know it's 1991 and you're getting into your second hand that's some cherry on a cold
07:53and frosty morning that is half an hour of intense shit scraping it spraying it with cans of poison
07:59kicking it blowing on it begging the fucking thing to go you're just so old this is like an oral
08:06history project you're like a historical person telling us about the spinning jenny yes i'm old
08:13enough to remember when crisp packets had little windows in so you could see the crisps inside
08:17was good yeah the crisp packets was good but you know not the dog shit the racism or the cars you
08:22could literally see the crisps you're going to get rather than an idealized representation of them so if
08:27there were too many that were a little bit green around the edges you could just move on what
08:31crisps used to be green on the edge britain some of them yes not most but a few would you eat them
08:37anyways invariably oh is it is it okay to come through are you are you ready come on sir we've got a lot
08:48of people waiting it's not all about you right wait come on then no no no no go back go back go back
08:56go back no no no no no do it like this with a wiggle
08:59ignore the beep it's because i've got a gun come on then
09:05what are you doing wiki told me it's on you go hat hat hat oh yeah sorry sorry
09:19tray tray tray tray yes wait come on then
09:27watch oh sorry watch my bad give it to me
09:35that's fine now have a lovely flight oh thank you
09:44and i was eight years old and i suppose i realized that's it he's not coming back my dad's not coming
10:05back that must have been a horrible moment well yeah it was and as i think i've said before um
10:15i don't think i've really escaped from that moment that must be very difficult
10:22yes it is and i suppose i've been hoping that as i've been coming here every week for the last
10:30three years that you would in some way not cure me exactly but um okay cure me i mean tell me what
10:40to do in order to feel better it's understandable that you would want that well i do want that
10:46of course you do but you don't seem to be doing that that must be hard it is hard so how does it feel
10:54when i don't seem to do anything to help you it feels shit of course okay good so i'm going to press
11:03you i feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain from a combination of what has happened to me and what i'm
11:09like well and i understand that what i am like may be a product of what has happened to me and and that
11:15some of the things that have happened to me may be because of what i'm like yes so what are you going
11:20to do to fix me well that's not really how we work okay if i wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer
11:29and i asked them to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and they said that's not really
11:34how we work i wouldn't pay them would i i wouldn't give them 300 pounds and then come back the next week
11:41with another 300 pounds and ask them again to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and then
11:46keep doing that every week since covid constantly contemplating the gaping hole where there should
11:52now be a tumble dryer it's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer that's the analogy because
12:01in a sense you've been tumble dried haven't you in what sense i don't have to back these things up i'm
12:09i'm just trying to help if you're trying to help tell me what to do so that i feel basically okay
12:16most of the time what should i do with all my shit well i i suppose if you press me
12:24my advice would be you know put it out of your mind put it out of my mind yes put it out of your
12:34mind when you're thinking about it just stop and think about something else that's it i suppose when
12:42it comes down to it yes that's it you you just have to put it out of your mind i can't
12:51really you know just think about something really really really wow okay then
13:02well in that case here's someone who can sell you some crack thank you
13:16just a straightforward shooting weekend
13:21just a straightforward shooting weekend it was the tv scoop of the decade in which one of the
13:27most powerful men in the world in a sort of soft power sense anyway was humbled and the people of
13:34britain got to have a huge guilt-free laugh at a posh twat destroying his life in front of millions
13:40i have a peculiar medical condition which is that i don't sweat or i didn't sweat at the time
13:50it was such a massive deal that the story of how it was achieved had to be told in a drama
13:56almost immediately after it had happened you could make him look like a dick brilliant idea sam
14:03but that wasn't the end of it because another channel made a slightly different drama about
14:08exactly the same thing i'm going to make him look like a dick
14:11sam get us a round of teas and coffees please oh right away now at last a drama about how those two
14:20dramas about how the prince andrew interview came to be made has come to be made because what's the
14:27alternative make up a new story for a drama i don't think so that doesn't work everything has got to be
14:33based on a true story or a remake otherwise it will lose money hi there i'm the real emily mateless
14:40pleased to meet you i'm amazon well done on the prince andrew interview that certainly put the
14:45world to rights thank you and of course i'm mainly why that interview happened so i thought we could
14:50make a drama about it great idea let's do it we could use some of the money we made destroying the
14:54high street by the way why didn't you go to netflix welcome to netflix i'm sam mccallister the person
15:01who mainly made the prince andrew interview happen rather than anyone on screen who usually take credit for
15:07these things of course so i thought we could make a drama about it otherwise there's a risk that
15:12everyone will stop banging on about it well we can't have that let's do it we can use some of the
15:17money we made from televising princess diana's bulimia some stories have to be told twice
15:27with slightly different takes on how the admin was done this research is riddled with errors
15:32and that's not how you spell galane it's prince anthony is that right it's andrew emily oh you're a
15:38lifesaver how's my hair coming to itv this autumn the true story of how the two dramas which both told
15:46how the prince andrew interview on newsnight got made were themselves made it's just been announced
15:52the bbc are doing their own version of this with james corden playing both prince andrews
15:58ships let me show you what i mean okay we've recently developed all sorts of new ways of
16:12analyzing web traffic yeah it's very very clever and illuminating great it's really no longer as
16:20simple a metric as number of views oh and this is where you come into the kitchen you have a problem
16:27with your washing machine so yes we can actually see what bit viewers are focusing on most i think
16:33i can guess which bit you might be surprised i'm going to need my big spanner okay so here sounds like
16:43i'm talking about my big cock yes except we've just been looking at your big cock so we know you don't mean
16:48that yeah you literally do mean that you need different size spanner and actually this is where
16:57we see a real uplift in views really yes it builds from here and peaks at this point four minutes 12
17:05seconds when you take the front of the washing machine and start to replace the drum you see this bit
17:11yes we see this a lot with the electrolux have you got the part no i'll have to order it in yes that's
17:19the absolute viewing numbers peak and then it drops off a cliff when you start having sex again
17:26although there is then another peak in the follow-up video when you arrive with the replacement part from
17:31electrolux lots of views for you sticking it in so they do want to see that i can't believe how badly i
17:38express that they want to see you repair the washing machine not have a with the lady not have
17:44a with the lady no that's what the analysis is telling us but i've always been the sexy the sexy
17:50plumber yes you're a big star barry a stalwart of the industry you always get the highest number of hits
17:58turning up in your boiler suit with your tools getting down to business well this is it it's always been
18:04sex and plumbing and i suppose cynics that we are we've all been sort of assuming that the sex was
18:12the draw but but they're watching for the plumbing barry that's what they want plumbing tips you've
18:20been doing this for a long time and without realizing it you've become a damn good plumber
18:25they don't want to see damn good plumber i don't want a really damn damn good plumber
18:32look i'd take the compliment barry the internet is full of porn but a genuinely helpful step-by-step
18:40guide to replacing a u-bend is like a hen's tooth i don't know what to say you wear your knowledge
18:46so lightly in in all the other instructional videos online the men doing the explaining take ages
18:52because they're so thrilled with themselves you're different you just spend that time getting blown and
18:56then do the plumbing bit super quickly it's much less patronizing thank you are you going to stop
19:04paying me to have sex we are yes start paying me to do plumbing indeed so obviously i've called you in
19:13here to discuss a pay rise okay but what's funny about that punchline well it's making the satirical
19:20point that plumbers are expensive more expensive than porn stars obviously i have no idea but plumbers are
19:27expensive god yeah i think people will relate to that bloody plumbers okay i just don't know if that's
19:32like is that what we want the show to say i find it comforting you know bloody plumbers bloody weather
19:40nice old complaints you know where you are okay but i just feel like it's a sketch about
19:46porn for me it's it's about plumbing i i think it's nice to start with a sexual theme and then move
19:53immediately away from it i think that's nice for me the classic plumber and pawn scenario is a fantasy
20:00about escaping the plumbers astronomical bill you know can i my way out of this that's not what i
20:06do you think the sex industry is something that we need to confront you know like not the sex workers
20:11obviously what they're doing is amazing or yes but the industry that's what i'm saying the industry
20:19is something we want to confront like the client they're they're they're the problem and we want
20:24to make a sketch where we we say the people who hold the means of production they are wrong plumbers
20:30are so expensive
20:34but what what if the boiler goes it could go at any moment
20:41you have to leave him
20:46and unless my demands are met i will activate the ray and trigger the destruction of the entire world
20:58please you can't do this oh i most certainly can we beg of you we need more time want to live we all
21:06want to live cease your pathetic snivelling the second i pull this lever the death ray will charge
21:13and the entire world will be annihilated in 56 years
21:22what the world as you know it the entirety of the no we heard that what what was the second bit in in 56 years
21:32so it'll take a death ray of this magnitude needs an amount of time to charge and in this case yes it
21:41will take 56 years 56 years the second i pull this 56 years the world will end forever no no absolutely
21:51it's still bad still oh yes it's terrifying for sure the entire world destroyed it's just difficult to
22:00get up a sense of urgency with that as a time frame that's what it is yeah i mean i don't want to die
22:06i don't want my kids to die no that thing about the kids is completely valid but then it's just i don't
22:12it's not quite what are you talking about 56 years it's sort of like personally i'm better with a
22:19deadline same same yeah i mean aren't we all for me it's a lot knowing oh they're not knowing it's so
22:24much worse yeah just get it done you know what i mean yeah it's like a bit of a relief thank you yes
22:30you cannot want the world to end in 56 years we don't no no no no but also i mean what can we do
22:38really you can meet my demands oh god and we absolutely would but we're already juggling so
22:44much already oh you can say that again you you could walk around in the knowledge that the world
22:51is ending and and you're doing nothing to stop it i mean we don't want to but it's hard to make it a
22:59priority well you know this has been a real wake-up call for me yeah thank you really what no just
23:06transfer the funds into my account we will let everyone know yeah why have i been such a funk
23:12it's only 56 years this can be avoided shut the door shall we
23:26do you know what they don't deserve it let the oceans boil them to death and pricks
23:36it's only in direct let the oceans boil them to death and take on the roof to go
23:53so
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