- 5 months ago
The Critic has finally found a movie with no redeeming value whatsoever: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. And it's a movie so bad that it warps space and time; a few words can hardly describe this film. It is that bad a movie in the eyes of the critic, as there's nothing but pure pain involved.
Original Airdate: March 11, 2009
Original Airdate: March 11, 2009
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FunTranscript
00:00I've got nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say?
00:09Garbage Pail Kids. Does the title even sound like it's going to attempt to be a good movie?
00:21I feel raped. I feel honest to God raped by this movie. It is that bad. There is no talent,
00:28no effort, nothing salvageable. Nothing salvageable about this movie at all.
00:36Show the credits. Let's get started.
00:41It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, it's gonna hurt. I'm not gonna lie. It's really going to hurt.
00:51So, why do I stay more time just talking about it? Well, I can think of a few reasons,
00:56but let's take a gander anyway.
01:00Be very afraid.
01:02First, a little history. Garbage Pail Kids was actually a deck of trading cards that children
01:06would pass around. It was obviously satirizing the Cabbage Patch Kids, but these were quite
01:11different. They were gross, violent, and totally disgusting. So as you can imagine, they were a
01:16huge hit, and kids all around the country were passing them around and trading them. Then some
01:20numbnuts at MGM thought to himself, hey, there's some great potential for a really good gripping
01:25story here. I don't know what he was smoking either. Let's just pray he got brain damage from
01:31it. And so Garbage Pail Kids the movie was created in the loosest form of the word creative. How can
01:37they make a film based on a trading card that has absolutely no character or story development at
01:41all? I'm still not convinced they did, but let's take a look at what they put together anyway.
01:45So it starts off in outer space where we see a giant space garbage can flying around. What
01:51is it? Where did it come from? What relevance does it have on the story? I don't know. It
01:57never tells us. It never fucking tells us. You could show a flying rabbit float across the
02:02screen, it would make about as much sense. We then cut to an antique store. In this economy,
02:06that's a laugh. Where a garbage can begins to shake and rumble. We then cut to a painting
02:11whose eyes watch the can as it moves back and forth. Will the movie explain to us why
02:16the picture's eyes are moving and glowing? I think you give this movie way too much credit.
02:22We then see the owner of the antique store enter into the room.
02:25If I catch anybody up here, I'll be very surprised.
02:29What does that even mean? We then cut to the next thing, as we see a boy named Dodger.
02:34Calm, shitty yourself.
02:35Not that, Dodger. Being chased through the park by what looks like 80s jazzercise artists.
02:43Ah, so these must be the Garbage Pail Kids, right? God, they're even stranger looking than
02:47I imagined. That must be 80s McNoce style, Hairspray, Overkill, Bully, Il Stereotype,
02:53and Manish T. Tarzan. Wow, it's like the cards are coming to life! Actually, it turns out these
02:58are just bullies, which our main character, Dodger, has to deal with. Which is a little strange,
03:03considering he's got to be about 12 years old, and they look like they're almost in their 20s.
03:07What are they doing going after a 5th grader?
03:09Whoa, a whole $2! We can get some hardcore con candy for that!
03:18Boy, they can't even make the simple act of laughing look natural.
03:22I bet we're going to see some real breakthrough performances in this motion picture epic!
03:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:31So Dodger goes to his job at the antique store where he's joined by his boss, Captain Manzini.
03:36I suppose they call him that because he held some sort of command, but I think it's because he had a kid show on PBS or something.
03:42You know, like Captain Kangaroo. Only minus the fun.
03:44Dodger tries to tell him about his bully problem, but Manzini's only job seems to be to talk in motivational speeches.
03:50Losing his relative, my dear boy. Patience is a bit of vine, dear Dodger.
03:54Every single piece is a diary of the human spirit.
03:57What matters is conceding with grace.
03:59Yeah, you want to get to the part where he actually helped me?
04:02Man could settle all his differences with one of these.
04:05Then some damn fool invented gunpowder, and a bigger damn fool split the atom.
04:10That's when I decided to lead mankind to its folly.
04:12Nobody knows how to kill people anymore. It's a lost art.
04:15Dodger, of course, asks about the mysterious trash can that Manzini seems to be hiding from him.
04:21Have you ever heard of Pandora's box?
04:23According to legend, all the troubles in the world were once squeezed into one tiny little box.
04:29I don't understand.
04:30Think of this as Pandora's pain.
04:33Why don't you just tell him what's really in there?
04:35A bunch of annoying shits that won't shut the fuck up.
04:37I'll keep him away from there!
04:38So as Dodger continues to look after the store,
04:41one of the gang members named Tangerine comes around wearing a leotard made out of God knows how many dead blue leopards.
04:51Aww, how charmingly creepy.
04:53I bet he's gonna be a great serial killer one day.
04:56But the evil gang comes back again, led by their leader, simply named Juice.
05:01Baby, come on, he's just a kid.
05:04He's not worth the time. It'll take to beat him up. Forget it.
05:07Wish I could help you, baby.
05:09But the little creep's gonna be taught a lesson.
05:11It's a matter of principle.
05:13Yeah, that's pretty bad when you're jealous of a 12-year-old.
05:16Dodger tries to escape, but is pulled back by one of the gang members.
05:20Wow, this is gonna be the best step ever!
05:23But Dodger proves he still has a few tricks up his sleeve.
05:27Wah, a basketball? I've never seen one of those before.
05:30Does it bite you or...
05:31Oh!
05:32But the gang grabs Dodger and takes him into the sewer,
05:35where they pour a ton of sewer water all over it.
05:40See you later, creep.
05:42You like that? I took hours thinking that up.
05:44I don't have a Harvard education for nothing.
05:47But Dodger's pulled out by a group of people
05:49who look like they just came from the Munchkin Land ghetto.
05:52Don't! That's poison!
05:54Uh, this'll make him wake up!
05:56Same to you, buddy.
05:57Yeah!
05:58Yeah, don't you love the way their lips move?
06:01It's not like you actually have to close your mouth all the way, is it?
06:04I'm not, no!
06:05Fooled ya! I'm Wendy Winston!
06:08Because all people move their lips like this, right?
06:13Manzini comes back to find that the Garbage Pail Kids are loose,
06:16and is incredibly kind enough not to tell us where the hell they came from.
06:20Beat the Garbage Pail Kids!
06:21Are they from another planet, or...?
06:28I'm Val Phil!
06:31Daddy!
06:33Did they come from another dimension?
06:35Hi, I'm Valerie Bummit!
06:39Do they have any personalities outside just doing gross stuff?
06:43Yeah, I'm Grace and Greg!
06:45Want to rumble, kid?
06:47Are any of them not racist?
06:48Oh, look, the nerdy one just pissed his pants.
06:52Because that's funny, right?
06:54Right?
06:55The correct answer is...
06:57No.
06:59Since you won't go back into the pale,
07:01you must at least promise me that you will say we're normies.
07:05What are normies?
07:06They're normal people!
07:07We got to hide from them!
07:09Yeah, they think we're ugly.
07:11Ugliness is not in a mirror.
07:12Ugliness is cruelty.
07:14Meanness of spirit.
07:16Greed.
07:16To be blessed with unusual features is an adventure.
07:22He's right, you know.
07:23Beauty has always been in the eyes of the beholder.
07:26And anyone who has eyes can clearly see that they are ugly as sin.
07:30So for some reason, Manzini doesn't have the right magic to get them back into the pale,
07:35which means Dodger has to spend most of his time looking after them,
07:37as Manzini tries to think of a way to get them back in their canned prison.
07:41The faster you can get on top of that, the better.
07:44Once he gets a break from the kids,
07:46Dodger goes to stalk that tangerine chick,
07:48who, for some reason,
07:49likes to dress like she's a freaking birthday present.
07:52Ha ha ha ha ha!
07:54Ha ha ha ha!
07:56She tells Dodger that she's off to the dance court to sell some clothes she designed,
08:00and actually invites Dodger to come along with her.
08:02Um, so what do we do when we get there?
08:07What do you mean, like, how do you sell the clothes?
08:09What the hell?
08:09Why did she wait until nightfall to answer that question?
08:12Was she really just sitting there in total silence until she thought up a response?
08:15So what do we do when we get there?
08:30What do you mean, like, how do you sell the clothes?
08:32Yeah.
08:33Boy, don't ask her to play Password any time soon.
08:35So they get to the dance court to sell her clothes
08:38when one of the women asks her for the shirt she's currently wearing.
08:42Oh my god, boobs!
08:43I didn't know she had boobs!
08:44It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen!
08:47Why isn't somebody doing something?
08:49She has boobs!
08:50Boobs!
08:51Meanwhile, we cut back to the garbage pail kids who,
08:54um, just do stuff, I guess.
08:57We don't have any money!
08:59No problem!
09:00We'll carve out an I.O.U.
09:02Yeah!
09:04Oh, that's nice.
09:05One of the kids has a pocket knife.
09:07Remember, kids, real beauty is on the inside.
09:10If you disagree, I'll cut you open the pervert!
09:12So the kids end up stealing a Pepsi truck.
09:15Yeah, that's a good lesson for children.
09:17As they accidentally drive over Juice's car.
09:21What have you done in my car?
09:22What are you, crazy?
09:23Okay, how the fuck do you drive over a car?
09:25It's not a goddamn monster truck.
09:27Hey, we're the Pepsi generation!
09:32Why do I get the feeling Pepsi regrets that promotional plug?
09:35Pass some mustard.
09:37Pass the audience and garlic!
09:39Ellie, you ate my burger.
09:41Was that yours?
09:42Yeah!
09:43Oh, yeah?
09:44Prove it!
09:45I can't!
09:46You ate the evidence!
09:48Yeah, yeah, tough toothpaste!
09:49Where's the starring?
09:53I mean, did they just leave the camera on?
09:55They're doing nothing!
09:56Absolutely nothing!
09:58Give us a plot, you damn movie!
10:00My tummy hurts!
10:01What did you eat?
10:03Everything!
10:05That'll do it, all right!
10:06This film is physically hurting me.
10:09Well, the only thing that even comes close to a plot thread
10:12is that the kids can actually sew.
10:14Yeah, because they really look like the sewing type, don't they?
10:17In fact, they're apparently so good at it
10:20that they give Dodger a jacket
10:21that looks so ridiculous
10:22that it wouldn't even make it as Michael Jackson's hand-me-downs.
10:25Seriously, only the fashionably retarded
10:27would think this is actual go-
10:29Wow!
10:29Where did you get those clothes?
10:31That is some coat!
10:32I rest my case.
10:34So, I guess people who dress like Christmas gifts
10:36really dig Dodger's fashion,
10:38as Tangerine suddenly sees a business opportunity.
10:41I was just thinking maybe I could sell them for you.
10:43You know, along with mine.
10:45You know, that jacket makes you look, uh...
10:47older.
10:49Why, Mrs. Tangerine, you're trying to seduce me!
10:51So he returns to the shop to tell the kids how it all went.
10:55Tangerine loved the outfit.
10:57Uh, chicks is chicks.
10:59And I know my chicks.
11:01Yeah, I know my chicks.
11:04They have penises, right?
11:05But Dodger tells him that he needs more clothes
11:08to impress Tangerine.
11:09The kids agree to make more clothes
11:11as they hop to their feet and...
11:11Why should we do something nice?
11:14Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:18A song?
11:19They actually have a song in this movie!
11:21When did they at any point indicate that this was a musical?
11:25It's like a drive-by singing.
11:26It just comes out of nowhere!
11:28Come on, kids!
11:29Take a shot!
11:30Show them what we really got!
11:32On top of that,
11:33this song is just horrible.
11:35It sounds like a Disney ballad
11:36if it got sodomized by a donkey.
11:38Hi-ho!
11:39Hi-ho!
11:40This movie's gonna blow!
11:42Besides the fact that their lips never sync up during the song,
11:45and that it's more like choreographed walking
11:46as opposed to dancing,
11:48Am I the only one that finds it weird
11:50that they're singing about working together
11:51while they're stealing the equipment they need?
11:54The lessons in this movie are more imbalanced than a game of Jenga!
11:57And just to top it all off,
11:59the nerdy kid pisses his pants again.
12:02Oh, yeah,
12:03because it was so funny the first time.
12:05Hello!
12:06It's morning,
12:06and I have no school, home, or parents to report to!
12:10Yo, guys, I got breakfast for ya!
12:12Hey!
12:13Hey!
12:13If you do get that chick,
12:15all you got is trouble!
12:17I just wanted to like me.
12:19Careful what you wish for!
12:21You might get it!
12:22Ah, words of wisdom from Valerie Vomit.
12:24Thank you so much.
12:25So Dodger leaves to show off the new clothes
12:27as the kids just...
12:29sit around, I guess.
12:32Look what I found!
12:34Whoa!
12:35Oh, that's easy!
12:37Ah, it doesn't work!
12:42Oh!
12:43Oh, no!
12:44Come on, Vixie!
12:45No, you broke it!
12:47Well, maybe we should get back to work.
12:50No way!
12:51Yeah, all work and no play.
12:54No way!
12:55Do something!
12:56I'm tired of sitting around watching the high school version of I Can't Believe It's Not Muppets.
13:00Just do something productive!
13:01Anything!
13:02I don't care!
13:03Let's go see a movie picture!
13:05Yes, watching any movie different from the one I'm watching now is definitely a plus.
13:09So the kids dress up in costumes as they walk among the normal people.
13:13You know, how come in movies no one can ever see past a trench coat and fedora hat?
13:18Is it like Clark Kent's hypnotizing glasses or something?
13:21Do they just make people stupider?
13:22Hey, check it out!
13:26Oh, I'm thankful!
13:29Oh, yay!
13:30Another piss-in-your-pants joke!
13:31Because, you know, 12 times the charm.
13:34So they find some miniature ATVs, because most good antique stores have miniature ATVs,
13:38and they go to a movie theater where they're showing Three Stooges shorts.
13:41First of all, what movie theater shows Three Stooges shorts anymore?
13:48This isn't the 40s!
13:50Second, is everyone in this theater high?
13:53I mean, I love the Three Stooges, but they're all laughing like fucking hyenas.
13:57Maybe they've been devoid of real humor in this movie that even the moderately funny stuff seems incredible to them.
14:05After that, they take a stop at the toughest bar in the world that is literally titled
14:10The Toughest Bar in the World.
14:12Who wrote this?
14:14Look out!
14:15Pop is created by Jim Henson's mentally retarded brother!
14:19Take this!
14:19Hey, Wendy!
14:21Watch out!
14:22Let's do that!
14:23Hold it! Hold it!
14:26This little sucker's got guts!
14:28Drinks for everybody!
14:32What kind of bar would operate like that?
14:35Hey, that kid just killed my wife, ate my dog, and crucified my mother!
14:39He's got guts!
14:40Drinks for everybody!
14:43So I know what you're thinking.
14:45These kids are just so charming and irresistible.
14:48Surely there must be more of them out there somewhere.
14:51Where are your friends now?
14:52We think they might be locked up somewhere!
14:55In a really terrible place!
14:57In the state home for the ugly!
14:59The state home for the ugly.
15:01I can't believe people would make a place like that.
15:03Wait.
15:03Wait.
15:05State home for the ugly?
15:07You're kidding, right?
15:10I didn't want to believe that such a place could actually exist.
15:13Do you believe it now?
15:15Oh, now, yes.
15:16You cannot be serious!
15:18Yes, apparently there's a state home for the ugly,
15:22where men literally walk around with nets and capture ugly people
15:25the same way dog catchers capture puppies for the pound.
15:29You shouldn't wear a mask unless it's Halloween, kid.
15:31No hard feelings, eh, kid?
15:33What world, reality, drugs?
15:37Where would you even get funding for that?
15:39I mean, you're telling me there's an actual state home for the ugly
15:43and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore, and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free?
15:47What kind of sick, crazy world is this?
15:50Does this mean we're going to find a place?
15:52Settle up, partner.
15:54We're going to find the home for the ugly.
15:56All right!
15:56So, yeah, where the hell did this plot threat come from?
16:00Who the fuck cares?
16:01Let's just follow it and see how much damage it causes.
16:04Okay, so they find the state home for the ugly,
16:06where they plan to break in one night and get all the ugly people out.
16:09But it has to wait, as the other plot threat about the designer clothes is taking place as well.
16:13How do we go from a movie with no plotline to a movie with too many plotlines?
16:18You're going to make a lot more of those things for me?
16:20I've got big plans for us.
16:23Us?
16:23Dude, is she nibbling his ear?
16:28You can go to jail for that!
16:30Bye, baby.
16:31I'll see you tomorrow.
16:32I'll be sure to tell all my other pedophile friends how cool you are.
16:35But it turns out Tangerine's heart still belongs to Juice.
16:38Good God, Tangerine, Juice?
16:40This isn't a cast of characters.
16:42It's a fucking grocery list.
16:43It feels lousy.
16:45Abandoning my principles for money.
16:47Principles?
16:48Yeah.
16:49Letting the little creep live.
16:50What is up with this guy?
16:52Did Tangerine kill his father or something?
16:53I mean, what's up with the hate?
16:55I suppose I should be dealing some drugs or robbing some liquor stores.
16:58But nah, a 12-year-old with a fashion scheme, that's where the real money is.
17:02Oh, wait a minute.
17:03I think they're going to do another pissing pants joke again.
17:05Well, you know what they say.
17:10...if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try, ...
17:22...UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
17:27But Juice finds out about the Garbage Pail Kids,
17:29...break into the store,
17:30...and sends them to the staithhome for the ugly.
17:33Why?
17:33So that Tangerine can take credit for making all the clothes that they made...
17:37...and she displays it in her very own Fashion Show!
17:39Uh, you know, you still need the kids to make future clothes, right?
17:44Where are they?
17:46WHERE?!
17:47I'M ACTING!
17:51So the bullies take Dodger out back and throw him into a dumpster to keep him out of trouble.
17:56But little did they know that clever old Dodger could get OUT of the dumpster!
18:01Meanwhile, at the State Home for the Ugly,
18:03they keep the kids locked away with all of history's hideous treasures,
18:07like Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Santa Claus.
18:10Did they ever read this out loud?
18:12They're crying.
18:14You want us to shut them off?
18:16They'll be gone soon.
18:18Want where?
18:23So not only do they imprison ugly people, but they also kill them?
18:29Look, I know that Reagan years weren't always perfect,
18:32but somehow I just can't see him signing off on an establishment like this!
18:37Ugly people need to be destroyed.
18:39But luckily, Dodger and Captain Manzini come in to save the day!
18:44I'm so glad I can free you from this prison just so I can entrap you again in an even smaller garbage pail!
18:50Hooray!
18:51There's even a scene where a bunch of their biker friends use their Harleys to rip the bars off the window.
18:56Why?
18:57They took out all the guards while they just go through the front door.
19:00Use your thoughts, writers!
19:02Use your thoughts!
19:03So they all make it to Tangerine's fashion show where they plan to show that thief a thing or two.
19:08Oh, great!
19:09So what are they gonna do?
19:09Like, throw paint on the clothes, cut the dresses into ribbons,
19:12or strip them off the models exposing their almost totally naked bodies?
19:17Is this movie for kids or what?!
19:18So we then get an exciting climax, which consists of a lot of farting, sneezing, and even vomiting.
19:24Wow, could this be any more enchanting?
19:27Then get the final showdown between Juice and Little Dodger.
19:39Dude, you're beating up a 12-year-old?!
19:41What an asshole!
19:44You're getting beat up by a 12-year-old?
19:46What an asshole.
19:47But Manzini comes in to calm little Dodger down.
19:56I wish my parents were written into this movie. They would know how to comfort me.
20:00So after the fashion show is destroyed, Tangerine tries to make amends with Dodger.
20:04But somehow being lied to, abused, molested, and beat up both physically and mentally doesn't quite do it for Dodger anymore.
20:12No thanks.
20:13I don't think you're pretty anymore.
20:20Wow, I got burned by a fifth grader. I think I've hit a new low.
20:24So Manzini tries to sing the kids back into the pail with a spell he's written,
20:28but ultimately backfires as those lovable rapscallions ride into the night looking for more media art forms to destroy.
20:36What a fucking load.
20:38This is it. The worst. The absolute worst.
20:43No story. No character. No plot. Just pain. Pure concentrated pain.
20:50There has never been anything this bad in the history of badness.
20:54It should be studied. It should be analyzed. It is...
20:57People.
20:59I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exercise.
21:03I mean, it is remarkable. It is absolutely remarkable.
21:06Even the closing credits are hurting me. Everything about this movie is just plain horrendous.
21:11In fact, I don't even know why I'm still watching it. I should turn it off before anything else...
21:15Oh my god. Oh my god!
21:23The movie is so bad it's actually... It's ruining the fabric of space and time!
21:27I can't see it. It's probably that I want to do it.
21:29I can't see it anymore. I just wanna be out.
21:31I can't see it...
21:32I know. It's been a while all over the world.
21:33I can't see it in this movie. It is a man.
21:35The movie is so bad.
21:36The movie is so bad, it's really not bad.
21:37I can't see it. It is so bad.
21:38In fact, I should read it.
21:39I've ever seen it before the movie is a landing page.
21:41It's really wonderful.
21:42I don't know.
21:43I have seen it before.
21:44I have seen it before.
21:46And I'm sure as a person.
21:47I'm sure she wants to follow it.
21:49I'm sure she's a Batman,
21:50I can't see it, and I will.
21:52It's a guy's a pain in the world and a world.
21:53My god, it's full of shit.
22:23Where am I?
22:45You are inside the bad movie.
22:48A film so horrible that it actually ages you even as you watch yourself.
22:54Wow.
22:55The movie's that bad?
22:57Yes.
22:58Now piss off.
23:01I'm trying to eat my processed cereal.
23:04Will you shut up?
23:05I'm trying to die over here for crying out loud.
23:10Well, I'm done for.
23:13At least I never had to see that shitload of ass movie again.
23:20My god.
23:21I never had to see that shitload of ass movie again.
23:27I've been doing it for a while.
23:29I've been doing it for a while.
23:36I've been doing it for a while.
23:40My God! It's turned me into what the movie always was! A dirty piece of crap!
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