- 6 weeks ago
one-of-a-kind love story about a young man who pretends to be Jewish in order to find the perfect wife.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Music
00:00:09Music
00:00:11Jacob climbed the ladder
00:00:13Climbed it to the sky
00:00:17Said, people, what's the matter?
00:00:23Heaven ain't so high
00:00:25People, heaven ain't so high
00:00:30When you got to see
00:00:33You got to see
00:00:35You got to see
00:00:37You got to see
00:00:39You got to see
00:00:41You got to see
00:00:42Your love in my hand
00:00:45Little children
00:00:46You got to see
00:00:48You got to see
00:00:52You got to see
00:00:54You got to see
00:00:56You got to see
00:00:57The Israelites, they wandered
00:01:05In the desert
00:01:07Forty years
00:01:09And old Moses
00:01:11Told the children
00:01:13Brush away them tears
00:01:17Hey kids, this ain't no time for tears
00:01:21Children, you got to share
00:01:25You got to share
00:01:29You got to share
00:01:33You got to share
00:01:34Little children
00:01:38You got to share
00:01:40You got to share
00:01:44You got to share
00:01:48She'll roll in her hand
00:01:52David, he fought Goliath
00:01:57With nothing but a tiny stone
00:02:01David, little David
00:02:05God knows you're not alone
00:02:09God knows you're not alone
00:02:12David, you got to see
00:02:16You got to see
00:02:18You got to see
00:02:20You got to see
00:02:24You got to see
00:02:25You got to see
00:02:26You got to see
00:02:26You got to see
00:02:27You got to see
00:02:28You got to see
00:02:41My name is Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell
00:02:47And between the ages of 8 and 17 years old
00:02:50Good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times
00:02:54Class, please welcome G.I. Joe
00:02:59From Wichita to Berlin, nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid
00:03:04I think G.I. Joe is cool
00:03:07Thanks
00:03:10There are a lot of different reasons why people become friends
00:03:14Because you have a lot in common
00:03:15Or maybe because you want something
00:03:17Or because no one else will be your friend
00:03:20And that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz
00:03:24How rude of me
00:03:26Wawa
00:03:28We were complete opposites
00:03:31But we became best friends
00:03:33My first dinner with the Lipschitzes
00:03:37One word
00:03:39Why couldn't we have gone to China Palace?
00:03:42Jews
00:03:42Jenny, we've discussed this
00:03:44Your cholesterol's 272
00:03:45Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack by the time you're 50?
00:03:47No, but
00:03:48Besides, I heard that they cook with D.O.G.
00:03:54Adam's mom took control of her men
00:03:57Now you're right, Arlene
00:03:59You're always right
00:04:00The baby just kicked
00:04:01I love you
00:04:02I love you
00:04:02Well, I love you more
00:04:03No, I love you more
00:04:04You just wait till later
00:04:05Oh, is that a threat or a promise?
00:04:07It kind of freaked me out at first
00:04:09But I learned to love it
00:04:13Hi, my name's Suyan
00:04:15You ready to order?
00:04:18Stop staring at her, Adam
00:04:19That is rude
00:04:21You cute
00:04:23You stare all you right, little man
00:04:25You are not
00:04:26And you will never be
00:04:27Her little man
00:04:29I never realized how different growing up Jewish was
00:04:33Where's my burger?
00:04:36Batsy
00:04:36Until I hung out with the O'Connells
00:04:39I'm coming
00:04:40I'm sorry, the tots were frozen
00:04:42And I had to wait for them to defrost
00:04:45And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce?
00:04:50Huh?
00:04:50One word?
00:04:52Gentiles
00:04:52Oh, I got distracted waiting for my tots
00:04:55I'll go get it, don't you need a wrench
00:04:57And he sees Chandler
00:04:59And the throw
00:05:00It's up
00:05:00It's the underage
00:05:01Touchdown!
00:05:05What the hell?
00:05:06That's a touchdown!
00:05:08Tell you one thing
00:05:09There's nobody who called a better game than Kosell
00:05:12A boy did he have in
00:05:15One heck of a beak
00:05:16Jew beak
00:05:19The Kalman states that the first 12 years of a Jewish man's life
00:05:27All lead up to the moment where he must transform himself from a boy to a man
00:05:33Adam mints lipschitz
00:05:34That moment has arrived
00:05:36I'd never been to any Jew-Ey type of thing
00:05:39Until Adam's Bar Mitzvah
00:05:42Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaoc ...
00:05:51Chou18m
00:05:57I'm not ready to be a man.
00:05:59I'm not ready to be a man.
00:06:00I'm not ready to be a man.
00:06:02I'm not ready.
00:06:03I'm not ready.
00:06:05I'm not ready to be a man.
00:06:06And your fault?
00:06:08I'm not ready.
00:06:10What the hell was that?
00:06:12We're Mrs. Rock!
00:06:15Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.
00:06:18Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.
00:06:20My mom told me that if your hand touches poo, you can get psoriasis.
00:06:25Yeah, whatever. Launch sequence activated.
00:06:28Three, two, one, commence fire!
00:06:33Mission important, mission important!
00:06:35It might look like I'm having a seizure. I'm not.
00:06:38This is a panic attack. It's hereditary.
00:06:40Get off, lip shits, get off!
00:06:41I can't, Chris.
00:06:43Go out without me.
00:06:44No! Get off!
00:06:49Do either of you know what time it is?
00:06:533.07 a.m., sir.
00:06:54And what do I like to do at 3.07 a.m.?
00:06:58Sleep, sir.
00:06:59Apparently the two of you don't.
00:07:02You two would rather be launching bags of feces?
00:07:07I need to work with you in private.
00:07:09Feces.
00:07:12Feces.
00:07:14In here.
00:07:16You see, my son would have executed like a real marine
00:07:20if it hadn't been for private lip shits
00:07:23who had a brain fart.
00:07:26He screwed up the entire operation.
00:07:28Now, what the heck?
00:07:29Kind of a weird s*** is that?
00:07:31It's a pomo machine.
00:07:33English!
00:07:34It's for his asthma!
00:07:35So your boy, he's got a fake disease?
00:07:39I bet you make him wear a seatbelt, too.
00:07:41How is your boy still alive?
00:07:43Seriously, how?
00:07:45All I can say is I thank God and Uncle Sam
00:07:49that I have been re-stationed.
00:07:54Schmuck.
00:07:55Come on, Christian.
00:07:56Let's move.
00:07:56Come on!
00:07:57Where are we moving to, Dad?
00:07:59Camp BlueJeans, South Carolina.
00:08:02But I don't want to move again, Dad.
00:08:03I like it here.
00:08:04You like it here.
00:08:05You're going to love it there.
00:08:06Adam's the best friend I've ever had.
00:08:08Come on, Chris.
00:08:09Chris is the best friend that I've ever...
00:08:10Move.
00:08:12Adam and I lost touch.
00:08:18He was the only Jew I ever knew.
00:08:21But then, college.
00:08:24Could you maybe not mix the potassium,
00:08:25permanganate, and glycerol?
00:08:27I prefer to not explode before graduation.
00:08:30Here.
00:08:32Use the hydrazine.
00:08:33Thanks.
00:08:33Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zahada Ogin.
00:08:38You know, man, you have really good chemistry.
00:08:41And just like that, all of my decisions went away.
00:08:46Oh, I'm going to have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.
00:08:48No, you won't.
00:08:50I didn't have to decide what to eat.
00:08:51Surprise?
00:08:53What?
00:08:54I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.
00:08:56Oh.
00:08:57And I definitely didn't decide who my friends were going to be.
00:09:00I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris's GPA has dropped over the past two quarters, so he will no longer be hosting poker nights.
00:09:08This is Vance Van Vanderson.
00:09:11I'm coming to you live from the University of Colorado graduation.
00:09:13Yay!
00:09:15I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-head.
00:09:18Her name is Rebecca Ogin.
00:09:19Say hi for the audience, Rebecca.
00:09:21Hi.
00:09:23Wow.
00:09:24Now, Rebecca has just informed me that she is not wearing anything underneath her graduation gown.
00:09:28Is that true, Rebecca?
00:09:29That is true, Vance.
00:09:31And I dare you to get a close-up.
00:09:38Get out.
00:09:41No, it's so beautiful.
00:09:42I found this beautiful little pink box.
00:09:45You're disgusting.
00:09:46No, look, really.
00:09:51Marry me, Rebecca.
00:09:52Uh, Christian, look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together, but we're entering the real world now, and in the real world, this can't work.
00:10:07Why not?
00:10:09Because you're not Jewish.
00:10:14Wait, what are you saying?
00:10:17It's over, Christian.
00:10:22And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber, still crying over his college girlfriend.
00:10:28I miss Beck Beck.
00:10:29Okay, I located valve one.
00:10:3270 pounds of pressure rising.
00:10:34Over.
00:10:34Okay, located the septic tank.
00:10:38Looking at 85 bars and rising.
00:10:41Over.
00:10:42Are you there, boss?
00:10:43Over.
00:10:44Yeah, guys, I'm here.
00:10:45Sorry, sorry.
00:10:46And did you find the gas line?
00:10:48Yeah, got it.
00:10:49And the septic shuttle flight?
00:10:50Got it, too.
00:10:51Okay, boss.
00:10:52We're going to shut them both down, okay?
00:10:54Tres, dos, shut up!
00:11:00Guys, I'm really sorry.
00:11:01I don't know what happened.
00:11:02I must have spaced out.
00:11:03It's cool, boss.
00:11:04No worries.
00:11:06I space out, too, sometimes.
00:11:08Uh-huh.
00:11:08But if it was my responsibility to turn off the gas and sewer lines to protect the lives of my loyal, hard-working, underpaid employees next to a leaking septic tank with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,
00:11:21I would not f***ing spits out!
00:11:23Sir, what did you say I spaced out?
00:11:25Ay, madre de Dios!
00:11:26What is that?
00:11:27What is that?
00:11:28What?
00:11:29What is that?
00:11:30What?
00:11:31Of course!
00:11:32What was I thinking coming to work with you today?
00:11:35It's May 25th!
00:11:36Are you Cinco de Mayo?
00:11:37No, pendejo!
00:11:38May 25th is the day that this chica, Rebecca, dumped them nine years ago!
00:11:42Wasn't that the day last year where boss fixed the toilet in the men's room?
00:11:46I accidentally hooked it up to the hot water.
00:11:50Boiling toilet day!
00:11:51Boss!
00:11:52I love that day, man!
00:11:53I went to pick a crap and the toilet exploded!
00:11:55I still have porcelain in my a**!
00:11:58Look, boss, me and Juan, okay, we love you, okay?
00:12:01But we are getting tired of risking our life for this a**!
00:12:05Look, just do us both a favor.
00:12:07Go out there and find yourself another a** and move on with your life, a**!
00:12:10Get on your life, you a**!
00:12:12I already say that!
00:12:14Boss, can I go to the bathroom?
00:12:16Mm-hmm.
00:12:19Have you ever dreamed of having your nickname embroidered on your favorite undies?
00:12:27What about your gang name on your baseball cap?
00:12:30Mark 40!
00:12:31Mmm, manatee, uh-huh!
00:12:33Goldie Tooth!
00:12:37Then, come on down to the embroidery palace!
00:12:39Where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years!
00:12:44No booty too big!
00:12:46No booty too small!
00:12:48Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all!
00:12:54What the hell?!
00:12:55Oh, damn it!
00:12:56Sorry, I told her not to call again!
00:12:58Could you be any more p*****y whipped for you?!
00:13:01Yeah, what now?
00:13:03And here I am, stuck working for the family business and engaged to Hannah Daniels.
00:13:07This is her thirteenth call.
00:13:09Yes, I'm available after three tomorrow.
00:13:11Why?
00:13:12What?
00:13:13No!
00:13:14Why would we have a preschool interview?
00:13:16That doesn't make any sense!
00:13:17You're not even pregnant yet!
00:13:18No, Hannah, it's smart to interview you now.
00:13:19It's very hard to get into a good preschool.
00:13:21This commercial is costing me an a**load!
00:13:23Get off the phone!
00:13:24Okay, I gotta go.
00:13:25I gotta go.
00:13:26Yes, I love you.
00:13:27Bye.
00:13:29What is that?
00:13:30What?
00:13:31You have a massive blackhead on your forehead.
00:13:32Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?
00:13:34Ew!
00:13:35Do you want people to change the channel during our commercial?
00:13:38Would you prefer our family go broke?
00:13:40Oh, Mom, no!
00:13:41Come on, Mom!
00:13:42Oh, no, stop moving, Dennis.
00:13:43Give me my safety pin.
00:13:44No, not the safety pin!
00:13:45Come on!
00:13:46It's five o'clock.
00:13:47I have to go meet Brianna.
00:13:48Well, Brianna's just gonna have to wait.
00:13:49Hold his head.
00:13:50Well, you know what?
00:13:51If my brother wasn't such a douche and his psycho fiancé wasn't calling him every two minutes...
00:13:54She is not a psycho.
00:13:55This is the best thing that ever happened to your brother.
00:13:57I'm not a douche!
00:13:58Ow!
00:13:59I got it!
00:14:00I got it!
00:14:02What the hell?
00:14:05Excuse me!
00:14:07Excuse me!
00:14:10What's...
00:14:11What's going on here?
00:14:13Hannah!
00:14:15Hannah!
00:14:18Oh, me!
00:14:19A jackhammer?
00:14:20Come on!
00:14:21Hannah!
00:14:22Not a bother at all, Mrs. Neiman.
00:14:24You can always call me at home when there's a problem.
00:14:26Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist by CityQuest three years in a row?
00:14:30Just remember, no matter how much it might itch, I don't want you to scratch it.
00:14:34Okay, bye.
00:14:37Oh, hey!
00:14:38I didn't even hear you sneak in.
00:14:39Oh, probably because of the jackhammer that's outside.
00:14:42How'd the rest of the commercial shoot go?
00:14:44Fine.
00:14:45What the hell is going on around here?
00:14:46They're starting construction in the baby's room.
00:14:48Isn't it exciting?
00:14:49Honey, I know that you want to have a baby so bad, and so do I.
00:14:53In the future.
00:14:54But there is no baby to build a room for yet.
00:14:58There's not even...
00:14:59Not even a fetus to build a room for yet.
00:15:01But it can take up to 18 months to complete construction on the Series 6 BPBC.
00:15:06I'm sorry, BPBC?
00:15:10Baby protection bedchamber.
00:15:12Oh, God.
00:15:13You enter here through the antibacterial wash chamber to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.
00:15:18Once inside, you'll be surrounded by fire retardant jungle book wallpaper.
00:15:22A six inch thick bullet and germ proof baby encasement unit.
00:15:2524 hour closed circuit video surveillance.
00:15:27Life size parental control reinforcements.
00:15:29Anthrax detector, radon detector, carbon monoxide detector, smoke detector, and faulty detector detector.
00:15:35And a panic room.
00:15:37And what is this?
00:15:38For an extra 30 grand, they can install an underground escape tunnel just in case a panic room gets overrun by terrorists.
00:15:43Terrorists.
00:15:44Terrorists.
00:15:45Terrorists.
00:15:46Well, thank God that's optional.
00:15:49Oh, I'll be exercising that option.
00:15:51We're really going together.
00:15:55If you know what I mean.
00:15:58We're two up.
00:16:02A queen.
00:16:04And then it hit me harder than Dale Earnhardt hitting that wall.
00:16:17Rest in peace.
00:16:18The guys were right.
00:16:19I needed to find another puta.
00:16:21A Jewish puta.
00:16:23How you doing?
00:16:25Hey, I'm Christian.
00:16:28Christian hey you remember when Cheney shotgun that old guy in the face back in
00:16:3506 and that felt bad for him didn't you hey so you've been a Jew your whole
00:16:40life yeah a lot of hot hey am I right oh no bad bad bad bad bad that's a very
00:16:56nice get up where did you get that stuff thanks I'm glad you're having a good time
00:16:59it's mine you like it it's hysterical I'm really glad to see that you have a sense
00:17:06of humor about the whole thing oh thanks so how did it go in there that I don't
00:17:12think the girls around here like a guy like me well that's crazy I mean what
00:17:16girl here wouldn't be interested in a really cute Jewish guy with a whacked out
00:17:19sense of humor so you you come to these things often only the ones that my
00:17:24mother organizes yeah and if I didn't show up I would never hear the end of
00:17:30it you know how that is yeah I know how that is you should take my number for
00:17:37what to call me okay yeah okay five missed calls I never even heard the phone ring
00:17:45who's your provider pin mobile well that's your problem right there pin
00:17:49mobile has least amount of coverage in LA County and the most drop calls of any
00:17:52network you should switch to AT&T nation 900 with unlimited mobile to mobile
00:17:57thanks Allison Allison marks you are
00:18:04Rosenberg of the Rosenberg man you do not look Jewish really I you know I have
00:18:14gotten that I'm gonna head back in okay
00:18:19are you fucking local boss you know Joe I know I'm not a Jewish she's just like Rebecca I do
00:18:24I don't know why I said it it just came out all right well maybe you should just tell her the truth no I'm not going to tell her the truth I'm not going to tell her the truth because then she's never going to date me I'm just going to keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out
00:18:31I don't care how big her tits are but I mean they're pretty good are you a stupid just because you say you're a Jew does not make
00:18:36you know Joe I know I'm not a Jewish she's just like Rebecca I don't know why I said it it just came out all right well maybe you should just tell her the truth no I'm not going to tell her the truth I'm not going to tell her the truth because then she's never going to date me I'm just going to keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out
00:18:52come on I don't care how big her tits are but I mean they're pretty good are you a stupid just because you say you're a Jew does not make you wild no look she's going to find out I don't know what I was thinking
00:19:03hey you know boss Jesus was a Jew why don't you just tell her you're Jesus
00:19:10what
00:19:12and nada
00:19:13where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years
00:19:21Adam Lipschitz this had to be a song
00:19:25no booty too big no booty too small because here at embroidery palace we embroider it all
00:19:34a Jewish sign
00:19:36all right
00:19:38I want everybody to close your eyes and forget everything you think you know about embroidery
00:19:47because starting next Tuesday the embroidery palace will be in possession of this bad boy
00:19:54behold the modern evolution 3070
00:19:59okay
00:20:02on to the next piece of business
00:20:05which is our monthly corporate account review
00:20:08Jillybean
00:20:09can you pass out the account review books please
00:20:11now as you all know
00:20:14the handlebar coffee company
00:20:16has been our largest corporate client
00:20:19for the past 10 years
00:20:20they notified me this morning
00:20:24that from this day forward
00:20:26they will be taking their business elsewhere
00:20:28due to this
00:20:30Adam
00:20:32do you have any idea how this could have happened
00:20:35what's up dad
00:20:36Adam
00:20:38oh god
00:20:42I can't believe
00:20:44that I did that
00:20:45but I'm under a lot of pressure
00:20:47with this whole wedding thing
00:20:48I got Hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow
00:20:51it's
00:20:51I must have forgotten to double check the sample
00:20:54you should fire the prince dad
00:20:56oh
00:20:57I'd like to chop off the prince's head
00:20:59but then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne
00:21:02paging prince Adam
00:21:04there's a Mr. Christian O'Connell here to see you
00:21:06Mr. Christian O'Connell
00:21:09wait wait wait wait
00:21:10come back here
00:21:11what's the big deal
00:21:12what's the big deal
00:21:13yeah
00:21:14you tell some girl your name is Avi Rosenberg
00:21:16and now you show up after 17 years
00:21:19so that I can teach you how to be a Jew
00:21:21so you can duper
00:21:22have you lost your mind
00:21:23listen I've been dumped by a Jew before
00:21:25I'm not letting it happen again
00:21:26it's not pretty man
00:21:27alright why me
00:21:28because other than Rebecca Ogin
00:21:29you're the only Jew I know
00:21:30now come on man
00:21:31I need you
00:21:32you gotta teach me how to pass myself off
00:21:34as one of you guys
00:21:34well why do you want to marry a Jew so badly
00:21:37because I never want to make another decision
00:21:39for as long as I live
00:21:40wow
00:21:40that's mildly offensive
00:21:42you know that
00:21:43yes
00:21:44but true
00:21:45okay
00:21:45I got it
00:21:46tell her the truth
00:21:48and then convert for her
00:21:49no
00:21:49no no no no
00:21:50no listen to me
00:21:51Alison Marks is not going to settle for imitation Jew
00:21:53she can have the real deal
00:21:54now come on Adam
00:21:55just help me
00:21:56I'm sorry
00:21:56did you say her name was Alison Marks
00:21:58yeah Alison Marks
00:21:59why
00:22:00I went to Sunday school with Alison Marks
00:22:02okay
00:22:04did
00:22:05did she tell you what her family did
00:22:07her family
00:22:08her mother
00:22:09organized the mixer
00:22:10wait a minute
00:22:11wait a minute
00:22:11you know them don't you
00:22:13do you know them
00:22:13yeah you could say that
00:22:15what
00:22:16oh
00:22:17oh I know
00:22:18I know
00:22:18but listen
00:22:19listen
00:22:19Chris this is
00:22:20you know
00:22:21this is great
00:22:23seeing you again
00:22:23and I love that you
00:22:25you know
00:22:25are seeing what I'm doing here
00:22:27but I got a lot of
00:22:28going on right now
00:22:29and my sort of
00:22:30my world's
00:22:31flipped upside down
00:22:33with the
00:22:33wedding
00:22:34and we're looking for
00:22:35preschools
00:22:36building a safe room
00:22:37for the baby
00:22:38wait a minute
00:22:39you didn't tell me you had a baby
00:22:40yeah
00:22:41I don't
00:22:42oh
00:22:42it's complicated
00:22:43sounds it
00:22:44Chris I don't think I'm the guy
00:22:46for this adventure
00:22:47okay
00:22:49I understand
00:22:52yeah
00:22:52well um
00:22:54you know
00:22:54for whatever it's worth
00:22:55I'm glad I tracked you down
00:22:56no it's great to see you
00:22:58so maybe we'll
00:22:59we'll do some lunch
00:22:59we'll catch up
00:23:00I would love to do some lunch
00:23:02yeah
00:23:02I'm gonna be up
00:23:03at my parents ranch
00:23:04for the weekend
00:23:04so but here's my business card
00:23:06oh thanks
00:23:06I don't have a
00:23:07maybe we'll get a
00:23:08well here
00:23:08coffee
00:23:09take this
00:23:10embroidery palace
00:23:11it's nice yellow
00:23:12yeah
00:23:14awesome
00:23:15don't take this
00:23:21the wrong way Hannah
00:23:22but what led you to diagnose it
00:23:23as vaginitis
00:23:24well dad
00:23:25she was experiencing
00:23:26itching
00:23:26irritation
00:23:27abnormal discharge
00:23:28and pain during intercourse
00:23:29all the basic symptoms
00:23:30yes those are the basic symptoms
00:23:31of vaginitis
00:23:32but did you also take into consideration
00:23:33they could indicate
00:23:35vulvitus
00:23:35yes dad
00:23:36but I ruled out vulvitus
00:23:37because her vulva was not inflamed
00:23:39no need to get defensive sweetie
00:23:40you're probably right
00:23:40with your diagnosis
00:23:41it's just that when I was
00:23:42a young gynecologist
00:23:43I once diagnosed a patient
00:23:44with vaginitis
00:23:45when they had vulvitus
00:23:46you know what
00:23:47it might have even been
00:23:48bacterial vaginosis
00:23:49it was not bacterial vaginosis
00:23:51because there was no great discharge
00:23:52with my 25 years of practice
00:23:54I have seen many cases of vaginosis
00:23:56with no great discharge
00:23:57would you back me up
00:23:58on that Bruce please
00:23:58your mother's right sweetie
00:23:59we've been doing this
00:24:00a few more years than you
00:24:01and sometimes even we can't
00:24:02distinguish between
00:24:03vaginosis
00:24:04vaginitis
00:24:05or vulvitus
00:24:05lots honey
00:24:06cottage cheese
00:24:06okay excuse me
00:24:09I'm just gonna
00:24:09use the bathroom
00:24:11I'll be back
00:24:12hold it
00:24:22I bet
00:24:23why don't you
00:24:25and the ladies
00:24:26hand out some eggnog
00:24:28all right
00:24:29thanks mom
00:24:31why is it that you
00:24:40haven't found yourself
00:24:40a good woman yet
00:24:41huh
00:24:42someone take care of you
00:24:43serve your nog
00:24:44maybe it's because
00:24:45Christian's a homosexual
00:24:46all right
00:24:47you stop bullying your brother
00:24:49he will find himself
00:24:50a girl
00:24:51that's right
00:24:52or whatever
00:24:53when he's good and ready
00:24:54well I'm ready to bag me
00:24:55a ten pointer
00:24:56and I'm gonna skin him
00:24:57gut him
00:24:58and pull out his rectum
00:24:59hell you are
00:25:00I'm pulling out
00:25:01the rectum ass
00:25:02tar
00:25:02what do you know
00:25:03about pulling out
00:25:03a rectum
00:25:04he always pulls out
00:25:05the rectum
00:25:05only that you make
00:25:06a circular incision
00:25:07Clayton
00:25:08Chuck
00:25:08over here now
00:25:09hurry up
00:25:10there's some rectum
00:25:11over there
00:25:11you two
00:25:12take a knee
00:25:13why do you always
00:25:14have to fight over
00:25:15who's gonna pull
00:25:17the rectum
00:25:18you know
00:25:19that's not what
00:25:20hunting is all about
00:25:21hunting is about
00:25:23the family
00:25:24it's about teamwork
00:25:25it's about
00:25:26finding peace
00:25:28hello
00:25:30that night
00:25:31when we were
00:25:31TPing Tim Baker's
00:25:32house and I had
00:25:33one of my attacks
00:25:34and I tripped
00:25:34and fell
00:25:35you could have
00:25:36left me there
00:25:37and saved yourself
00:25:39so rude
00:25:41okay
00:25:41one
00:25:42one second
00:25:42just
00:25:43but you didn't
00:25:45because you were
00:25:46my best friend
00:25:47and best friends
00:25:49are always there
00:25:50for each other
00:25:51move
00:25:52fuck yeah
00:25:55beauty ain't he
00:25:57spent the extra
00:25:58grand for the glass
00:25:59size but they threw
00:26:00in the matte finish
00:26:00horn sheeting package
00:26:01do you like where
00:26:04I put him
00:26:05because I was
00:26:06thinking maybe
00:26:06I mean I could
00:26:07put him between
00:26:07the bass and
00:26:08the boar's ass
00:26:09the plan was to
00:26:10remove all traces
00:26:11of gentile from
00:26:12Chris
00:26:12which turned out
00:26:14to be a very big
00:26:15task
00:26:16I don't get why
00:26:17I have to sell
00:26:17my truck
00:26:18because vulvos
00:26:19are practical
00:26:20and they're safe
00:26:21and Jewish girls
00:26:21love them
00:26:22but I'm never
00:26:23gonna be able to
00:26:23fit my kill
00:26:24into a vulvo
00:26:25and that's why
00:26:25you're selling
00:26:26the moose head
00:26:26alright 200 it is
00:26:28deal
00:26:28alright
00:26:29take that with you
00:26:31there no
00:26:32let him take it
00:26:32Chris let him
00:26:33take it
00:26:34I'm giving it to him
00:26:35no you're not
00:26:35you're holding on to it
00:26:36I pulled a rectum
00:26:38out of that
00:26:38alright
00:26:39that's inappropriate
00:26:40no
00:26:41stop it
00:26:42so uh
00:26:45you think I'm gonna
00:26:46be ready for tomorrow
00:26:47right out
00:26:47just do what I said
00:26:49and you'll be fine
00:26:50tell me again
00:26:50why I'm doing this
00:26:51because the law
00:26:52states that you
00:26:53can't be buried
00:26:53in a Jewish cemetery
00:26:54if you've desecrated
00:26:55your body
00:26:55with tattoos
00:26:56markings or piercing
00:26:57well that's stupid
00:26:58you're dead already
00:26:59who cares
00:26:59well it doesn't matter
00:27:00it's the law
00:27:00have you been
00:27:01taken care of
00:27:01down there
00:27:02down where
00:27:03have you been
00:27:04circumcised
00:27:05sorry
00:27:05no
00:27:06are you kidding me
00:27:07my family's not
00:27:08into the whole
00:27:08choppy birth thing
00:27:09besides it's not
00:27:10that noticeable
00:27:10no it is noticeable
00:27:12mine looks normal
00:27:13and yours looks
00:27:13like an anteater
00:27:15like this
00:27:16do you want that
00:27:16in your face
00:27:17get that
00:27:17get that
00:27:18here man
00:27:19sorry
00:27:20sorry
00:27:21if chris was
00:27:23going to stand
00:27:23a chance
00:27:23with allison
00:27:24he needed
00:27:24a crash course
00:27:25in the way
00:27:26of the jew
00:27:26now I'm your date
00:27:28and I need you
00:27:29to give me
00:27:29seven Yiddish words
00:27:30that you will
00:27:30casually slip
00:27:31into the conversation
00:27:32go
00:27:33go ahead
00:27:34the second the waiter
00:27:36approaches
00:27:36what do you do
00:27:38oh uh
00:27:40I'm feeling
00:27:41a bit of a draft
00:27:42would it be alright
00:27:42if we move
00:27:43to another table
00:27:43schvitz
00:27:44good now
00:27:45you've been relocated
00:27:46to the new table
00:27:47and what do you
00:27:49do
00:27:50oh
00:27:51could you please
00:27:52turn down that
00:27:53loud music
00:27:54kvetch
00:27:54alright
00:27:55now we're on
00:27:55to the ordering
00:27:56process
00:27:57now you have
00:27:57to remember
00:27:58that as a jew
00:27:59you have to
00:27:59take something
00:28:00on the menu
00:28:01and alter it
00:28:02beyond all
00:28:03recognition
00:28:04alright
00:28:05ok
00:28:06practice
00:28:07would it be
00:28:07too much trouble
00:28:08to change
00:28:09that side salad
00:28:10to an entree
00:28:11and
00:28:12would you mind
00:28:12throwing a little
00:28:13salmon in there
00:28:14nosh
00:28:15uh can I have
00:28:17that on the side
00:28:18pop it
00:28:18dinner comes
00:28:20the salad is
00:28:20exactly how
00:28:21you ordered it
00:28:22right
00:28:23right
00:28:23take one bite
00:28:24and you
00:28:26send it back
00:28:28yes you send
00:28:28that shit back
00:28:29we never eat
00:28:31what we order
00:28:31ever
00:28:32ever
00:28:33ever
00:28:33you ready
00:28:34I think so
00:28:35you remember everything
00:28:35I don't know
00:28:36let's let's take
00:28:37a walk with it
00:28:38then huh
00:28:38hi
00:28:42hi
00:28:43nice Volvo
00:28:44thanks
00:28:45just got it
00:28:46oh I got mine
00:28:47last year
00:28:47you know what
00:28:48Volvo's are the
00:28:49safest cars in the
00:28:49world and they
00:28:50last forever
00:28:50yeah
00:28:51no NASCAR get up
00:28:52tonight
00:28:52NASCAR why
00:28:54oh yeah
00:28:55no uh yeah
00:28:56I was gonna wear
00:28:57it tonight
00:28:57but uh
00:28:58the dry cleaner
00:28:59has it
00:28:59so
00:29:00so where you
00:29:01taking me
00:29:01well I thought
00:29:02because I didn't
00:29:03know what you
00:29:04were thinking
00:29:04so I made
00:29:05reservations
00:29:05for 7 o'clock
00:29:06near First and Hope
00:29:07it's near the
00:29:08music hall
00:29:08yeah
00:29:10and I don't
00:29:10know if you
00:29:11like jazz
00:29:11but Smokey Joe
00:29:12Jefferson is playing
00:29:13at the fedora
00:29:13tonight so I
00:29:14got his tickets
00:29:14that sounds
00:29:16great
00:29:16great
00:29:17well the music
00:29:17hall is on
00:29:18Grand and
00:29:18Figueroa and I
00:29:19checked traffic
00:29:20the 101 is closed
00:29:21between Barham and
00:29:21Highland so you're
00:29:22probably gonna want
00:29:23to take that one to
00:29:24La Cienega to the
00:29:2410 to the 110 north
00:29:25and then get off on
00:29:26Figueroa put on
00:29:27your seatbelt
00:29:28so after I graduated
00:29:31from Penn
00:29:32I traveled everywhere
00:29:33started with
00:29:34Southeast Asia
00:29:35went through Thailand
00:29:36Cambodia
00:29:36Burma
00:29:37I even lived in
00:29:38India for a month
00:29:39with the Untouchables
00:29:40oh I love that movie
00:29:42Sean Connery
00:29:44Sean Connery
00:29:45is great in it
00:29:46so then after I
00:29:50volunteered as an
00:29:51AIDS relief worker
00:29:51in the Sudan
00:29:52I just felt like
00:29:53I needed to use
00:29:54my finance degree
00:29:54to help people
00:29:55in third world
00:29:55countries relieve
00:29:56their debt
00:29:57so that's how
00:29:58I started working
00:29:59for the IDRF
00:30:00wow
00:30:00and what about
00:30:01you Avi
00:30:02what's it like
00:30:03to be a doctor
00:30:04oh uh
00:30:06well
00:30:06yeah the hours
00:30:10are crazy
00:30:10and I'm on call
00:30:1224-7 for emergencies
00:30:13and you know
00:30:15unfortunately
00:30:15you have to
00:30:16deal with a lot
00:30:17of crap
00:30:19but at the end
00:30:21of the day
00:30:21like you
00:30:22I love helping
00:30:23people
00:30:23when their plumbing
00:30:24gets backed up
00:30:25bonjour
00:30:30my name is Claude
00:30:31I will be your
00:30:33seller this evening
00:30:34ah yes
00:30:35Claude
00:30:35I'm feeling a bit
00:30:36of a draft
00:30:37here
00:30:37do you mind
00:30:38if we move
00:30:39to another table
00:30:39hmm
00:30:40oof
00:30:43Claude
00:30:50would you mind
00:30:50turning down
00:30:51the loud music
00:30:52and turning up
00:30:54the lights
00:30:54it's so dark
00:30:55in here
00:30:55I don't think
00:30:56I'd be able
00:30:56to read the menu
00:30:57it would be my pleasure
00:30:58sir
00:30:59but in the meantime
00:31:00let me tell you
00:31:01about our specials
00:31:03for an appetizer
00:31:04we have a
00:31:04scrumptious salad
00:31:06with gorgonzola
00:31:07candied walnuts
00:31:08pears
00:31:08cranberries
00:31:09and a honey
00:31:10Dijon vinaigrette
00:31:12to die for
00:31:13would it be possible
00:31:15to change that
00:31:17appetizer salad
00:31:18to an entree
00:31:19and could you
00:31:20substitute
00:31:21feta for gorgonzola
00:31:23pecans instead
00:31:24of walnuts
00:31:25apples instead
00:31:26of pears
00:31:27and cranberries
00:31:28instead of raisins
00:31:29and the honey
00:31:31Dijon vinaigrette
00:31:33can you put it
00:31:36on the side
00:31:37please
00:31:37anything else
00:31:38yes
00:31:38and I hope
00:31:39this isn't
00:31:40too much trouble
00:31:40but would you mind
00:31:41throwing a little
00:31:42salmon in there
00:31:43and for madame
00:31:46that sounds
00:31:47great
00:31:47but y'all have
00:31:48the same thing
00:31:49of course
00:31:52thanks mensch
00:31:55so
00:31:57did you always
00:31:58want to be a doctor
00:31:59no
00:32:00you know
00:32:01I'm being
00:32:02being jewish
00:32:03I only had
00:32:04a few options
00:32:05become a doctor
00:32:05become a lawyer
00:32:06become a banker
00:32:08manipulate the economy
00:32:09go into publishing
00:32:10manipulate the media
00:32:11god you are
00:32:13too much
00:32:14you're so cute
00:32:16turn your head
00:32:17for a second
00:32:18did you get a nose job
00:32:20no
00:32:21are you kidding me
00:32:22that's your real nose
00:32:24that's the hottest
00:32:25little jew beak
00:32:26ever
00:32:26and
00:32:30poor mademoiselle
00:32:32mmm
00:32:33that looks good
00:32:35and
00:32:38poor monsieur
00:32:39thank you claude
00:32:41this looks really good
00:32:44no
00:32:50oh I got
00:32:51I'm sorry
00:32:52I gotta send that back
00:32:53no
00:32:53no no no
00:32:54here you go
00:32:55thanks mensch
00:32:57oh
00:32:59and did they
00:33:00turn up the heat
00:33:02in here
00:33:02or what
00:33:02I am
00:33:03starting to
00:33:04shvitz
00:33:04yeah we should
00:33:07probably
00:33:08go
00:33:08if we're gonna
00:33:09make it on time
00:33:10oh yeah
00:33:11can't wait
00:33:12I'm gonna take up
00:33:13this check here
00:33:14oh
00:33:14okay
00:33:16well let me just get
00:33:17claude over here
00:33:18for a second
00:33:18see if I can't
00:33:20jew him down
00:33:20on the check
00:33:21hey are you alright
00:33:33you seem a little
00:33:35you know quiet
00:33:36no I'm fine
00:33:37yeah
00:33:37you know
00:33:41Allison
00:33:41I um
00:33:42I mean I shouldn't
00:33:44even be saying
00:33:44this it's our first
00:33:45date
00:33:46but
00:33:47I really like you
00:33:48you know
00:33:50so if I seem
00:33:51weird or
00:33:51awkward
00:33:52that's why
00:33:55I just
00:33:56I just hope
00:33:57that this is the
00:33:58first date
00:33:58of many more
00:33:59to come
00:34:00oh damn
00:34:09damn
00:34:11nobody plays
00:34:12jazz better
00:34:13than the
00:34:13svarzas
00:34:14L'chaim
00:34:18okay
00:34:27what's taking
00:34:36so long
00:34:36sorry
00:34:37sorry
00:34:38I am all
00:34:40manscaped
00:34:41trimmed to an
00:34:42eighth of an inch
00:34:43just how you like
00:34:44it
00:34:44like a
00:34:45prepubescent boy
00:34:46down there
00:34:47it's so exciting
00:34:48oh
00:34:49okay
00:34:50love you
00:34:52good night
00:34:53you think
00:34:56it's ugly
00:34:56I think
00:34:57what's ugly
00:34:58it's okay
00:34:59it's fine
00:35:00I see a hundred
00:35:01of them a day
00:35:02I know it's ugly
00:35:03oh no
00:35:04no
00:35:05I think
00:35:05no I don't
00:35:06think
00:35:06that's ugly
00:35:07at all
00:35:07I think
00:35:08it's beautiful
00:35:10why don't you
00:35:12ever go down
00:35:13on me
00:35:13because
00:35:14I
00:35:16I can't
00:35:17get you pregnant
00:35:18like that
00:35:18I knew it
00:35:19what's wrong
00:35:20I was gonna
00:35:20make a baby
00:35:21with my mouth
00:35:21what happened
00:35:24you turned off
00:35:27the light
00:35:27I
00:35:29well it was
00:35:30bright in here
00:35:31and we were
00:35:32going to bed
00:35:33hey you've reached
00:35:34Allison Marks
00:35:35you know what to do
00:35:35so do it
00:35:36hey Allison
00:35:38it's Avi here
00:35:39I just wanted to tell you
00:35:40I had a great time
00:35:41with you last night
00:35:41and can't wait
00:35:43to do it again
00:35:43so
00:35:45you've got the number
00:35:46call me
00:35:47bye
00:35:49hey you've reached
00:35:53Allison Marks
00:35:53you know what to do
00:35:54do it
00:35:55hey Allison
00:35:56where's my
00:35:57bat
00:35:58where's my
00:35:59bat
00:35:59Avi here
00:36:01didn't hear back
00:36:02from you yesterday
00:36:03but I'm sure
00:36:04you were just busy
00:36:04me too
00:36:06long day of surgery
00:36:07at the hospital
00:36:08so
00:36:09driving home now
00:36:10thought I'd
00:36:11double up
00:36:12give you a call
00:36:13so
00:36:14you got the number
00:36:15call me back
00:36:16bye bye
00:36:18you know what to do
00:36:22so do it
00:36:23hey Allison
00:36:24it's Avi
00:36:25I don't know why
00:36:27you're not calling
00:36:28me back
00:36:28I thought we had
00:36:30a really great time
00:36:30the other night
00:36:31and you know
00:36:33I thought we had
00:36:35a real connection
00:36:36boss
00:36:37boss
00:36:38we need your head
00:36:39me and Juan
00:36:40have been in
00:36:40Mrs. Waziski's
00:36:41all day
00:36:42boss we can't get
00:36:43this shit out of
00:36:43her vibes
00:36:44yeah see
00:36:45thank you
00:36:46doctors Juan
00:36:47and Ramon
00:36:48I will be to
00:36:49surgery in just
00:36:49a second
00:36:50boss I don't know
00:36:51what this lady ate
00:36:52but I never seen
00:36:53so much crap
00:36:54backed up in my
00:36:55life
00:36:55Avi
00:36:57Allison hi
00:36:58do you want me
00:37:00to get a restraining
00:37:01order
00:37:01stop calling
00:37:02me
00:37:03oh
00:37:08look at this
00:37:10one
00:37:10isn't it
00:37:11beautiful
00:37:12oh god
00:37:13a little warning
00:37:14please
00:37:15what is that
00:37:16a before and
00:37:16after photo
00:37:17yes
00:37:18isn't it amazing
00:37:19no
00:37:19it's hard to
00:37:20believe it's
00:37:20the same
00:37:20which one's
00:37:22your favorite
00:37:23I don't know
00:37:26you're the one
00:37:27who's gonna have
00:37:27to look at it
00:37:28for the rest of
00:37:28your life
00:37:29so come on
00:37:29pick
00:37:30oh
00:37:31do you like
00:37:32this one
00:37:33um
00:37:34maybe the
00:37:35uh
00:37:35pear blossom
00:37:38or the
00:37:39gentle tulip
00:37:42really honey
00:37:43yeah
00:37:43you like the
00:37:45pear blossom
00:37:45well that's
00:37:47the cheapest
00:37:47one
00:37:48there's nothing
00:37:50to it
00:37:50oh hold on
00:37:52hello
00:37:54all right
00:37:56relax relax
00:37:57what's going on
00:37:58you know what
00:37:59yes I can
00:38:00yes I can
00:38:01okay I'll meet
00:38:02you in 20 minutes
00:38:02all right babe
00:38:03I'm so sorry
00:38:04I have to go
00:38:06what do you mean
00:38:06you have to go
00:38:06a friend has an
00:38:07emergency and I
00:38:08gotta go meet him
00:38:09who what friend
00:38:10he's a friend from
00:38:11grade school
00:38:11I gotta go
00:38:12you can't leave
00:38:13why can't I leave
00:38:14I don't know
00:38:14which one to get
00:38:15just get one of them
00:38:17right I mean like
00:38:17it's not that big
00:38:18of a deal you know
00:38:19it's a big deal
00:38:20because it's for you
00:38:21I understand
00:38:21it's not that hard
00:38:23just go through it
00:38:24the gentle tulip
00:38:25midnight rain
00:38:25calla lily breeze
00:38:27la petite canyon
00:38:28ooh stay away
00:38:29from Venus fly trap
00:38:30that looks like a
00:38:31like a limp starfish
00:38:32and I don't want to
00:38:33be looking at that
00:38:34when I'm doing
00:38:34wonderful things to it
00:38:35I love you
00:38:36okay pick whatever
00:38:38you want
00:38:39any price kisses
00:38:40it's like my mom's
00:38:43wait wait wait
00:38:47she said stop
00:38:48calling me
00:38:49no no no
00:38:49she said if you
00:38:50call me again
00:38:51I'm gonna get a
00:38:51restraining order
00:38:52tell them to turn
00:38:54down the loud music
00:38:55and turn the lights
00:38:55up yes
00:38:56and you took
00:38:56something on the menu
00:38:57and altered it beyond
00:38:58all recognition
00:38:59I put salmon on it
00:39:00I sent it back
00:39:01Jewel
00:39:03Carla
00:39:03lap dances
00:39:04marcy marks
00:39:08president of temple
00:39:09Beth Jacob
00:39:10wife of my rabbi
00:39:11and Allison's mother
00:39:13she was also the
00:39:17principal of my
00:39:18Hebrew school
00:39:18from what I know
00:39:22no man has ever
00:39:23been good enough
00:39:24for Allison
00:39:24but if you can get
00:39:26that woman's seal
00:39:26of approval
00:39:27you might have a
00:39:28second chance
00:39:29I'll never forget
00:39:31the day I met her
00:39:32need some help
00:39:36you touch my daughter
00:39:42and I'll wear your
00:39:42balls as earrings
00:39:44All right
00:39:50there
00:39:52all right
00:39:52all right
00:39:54and I know
00:39:56where are you
00:39:58what I know
00:40:00that
00:40:04what I know
00:40:05Let's go.
00:40:35You've got to be kidding me.
00:40:50Shlomian, I don't stand a chance.
00:40:52Honey, would you grab my stuff right there?
00:40:53Yes, yes.
00:40:54Thanks.
00:40:55Now, I'm telling you, the Fleischmans are unbeatable.
00:40:59Yes, goodbye.
00:41:00Goodbye.
00:41:00Oh, honey, have you tried this caramel apple skim cappuccino?
00:41:05It is to die for.
00:41:10Fleischman.
00:41:11I want to get me one of those caramel apple skim cappuccinos.
00:41:17Mom, I'm fine.
00:41:19The earthquake was all the way in Death Valley.
00:41:20I live in Los Angeles.
00:41:22What do you mean I sound sick?
00:41:23I'm not sick.
00:41:24What do you mean I sound sick?
00:41:25I'm not sick.
00:41:26Yes, if you send me multivitamins, I will take them.
00:41:29Good, good.
00:41:30Now tell me you love me.
00:41:31Huh?
00:41:31Every time we get off the phone with each other, we have to say I love you.
00:41:36You're kidding.
00:41:36No, I'm not kidding.
00:41:38Just do it.
00:41:38I love you, Mom.
00:41:39Perfect.
00:41:40I'll call you in two minutes.
00:41:41Okay, bye.
00:41:43Sorry, that was my mom.
00:41:44Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue with the interview?
00:41:49Oh, yes, please.
00:41:51Do you like cappuccino?
00:41:52Because I was just at Handle Bar Coffee and they screwed up my order.
00:41:56I like caramel apple cappuccino.
00:41:58They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.
00:42:01Hmm.
00:42:02Sure, why not?
00:42:03Huh.
00:42:04Great.
00:42:04Okay, you are single, 31 years old, unmarried, no children.
00:42:07Are you a...
00:42:08No, no.
00:42:10Why?
00:42:10Well, then why aren't you married?
00:42:13Believe me, Mrs. Marks, there is nothing that I would like more than to find a special young
00:42:17lady who shares my values and my beliefs.
00:42:21As a matter of fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I was here at the mixer.
00:42:25I met a wonderful girl.
00:42:26We went out.
00:42:27We had a wonderful first date.
00:42:29I never heard from her again.
00:42:30Yes, well, finding that special someone is never easy, Doctor.
00:42:34Ah, and especially for me.
00:42:36I just, you know, moved here from Skokie and I'm busy with my practice, of course, and
00:42:42volunteering for Hadassah like I do.
00:42:44I'm sorry.
00:42:45Excuse me.
00:42:46Yes, Mom.
00:42:47Colonoscopy?
00:42:48Yes, I had my colonoscopy.
00:42:50Fiber.
00:42:51I do get plenty of fiber.
00:42:54Mom, I'm sorry, but I have to go, okay?
00:42:57I do.
00:42:58I love you.
00:43:00I love the way you wake up in the morning and you're just always so fresh and bubbly
00:43:03and then the sunlight comes...
00:43:04Too much!
00:43:05Too much!
00:43:06Okay, I'm going to hang up.
00:43:06Bye.
00:43:08Okay.
00:43:08Sorry, that was my mom again.
00:43:10I must say that I find this very unusual, that a young, attractive, single doctor would
00:43:15walk in here by himself wanting to join this temple.
00:43:17Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?
00:43:20Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years, the rate of interfaith marriage amongst
00:43:24our people has risen from 7 to 40 percent?
00:43:26According to the AJC, by the year 2050, our people are going to be completely wiped out.
00:43:30Now, I'm just one man, I can't stop it myself, but I'm not going to sit here on the sidelines
00:43:35and watch it happen.
00:43:36That's what's going on.
00:43:44All right, I'll be right there.
00:43:52All right, all right.
00:43:54So you're in?
00:43:55Oh, yeah, I'm in.
00:43:56She's putty.
00:43:57Still going down Saturday, right?
00:43:59That's the plan.
00:44:00You mastered duplicate bridge yet?
00:44:02And rubber.
00:44:03That shit rings.
00:44:05You guys really eat that?
00:44:06The filtefish is mandatory.
00:44:08All right, I'm going to put it in this drawer.
00:44:10Don't take it out until Saturday.
00:44:14Ugh.
00:44:17So good to see you.
00:44:18There's plenty of room over there.
00:44:21You guys, I want you to keep high score with and pay attention.
00:44:24You understand?
00:44:26Marcy.
00:44:27Avi, what a nice surprise.
00:44:31Oh, surprise?
00:44:31I'm a new member here.
00:44:32You think I'm going to miss my first Saturday morning service?
00:44:35Great to have you.
00:44:36It's a beautiful purse.
00:44:37Oh, Ari and Tony.
00:44:38Winter 2012.
00:44:40Really?
00:44:40I coveted this bag, and I got it.
00:44:44There's something about this that just...
00:44:46Wish me luck, lollipop.
00:44:48Honey, honey, you are going to need it.
00:44:50Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.
00:44:53Oi.
00:44:53This is our newest member.
00:44:54I was telling you about Avi.
00:44:56Hi, I'm Avi Rosenberg.
00:44:57Welcome to Beth Jacob, Avi.
00:44:58Thank you, Rabbi.
00:44:59Has Marcy warned you about our little p*** club?
00:45:02Oh, no.
00:45:03Uh, p*** club?
00:45:0418 years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah, dropped
00:45:10his trousers, and exposed himself to the congregation.
00:45:14That's messed up.
00:45:15Oh, it is messed up, Avi.
00:45:17What's even more messed up is that to this day, Adam's lewd act has become the rite of
00:45:21passage for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.
00:45:24In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993 who hasn't shown his p*** to the
00:45:30entire congregation.
00:45:32I've tried everything.
00:45:33They won't stop.
00:45:34I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.
00:45:38So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi, this ain't the temple for you.
00:45:43He gets excited.
00:45:45Avi, Shlomi and I are so embarrassed that on your very first Saturday morning service with
00:45:51us, you had to see genitals.
00:45:54And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple has a p*** club won't make you consider
00:46:00joining elsewhere.
00:46:01Not at all.
00:46:02Not at all.
00:46:02What was the name of the young man who started it all?
00:46:04Adam Lipschitz?
00:46:06Lipschitz.
00:46:07I hope I don't run into him, huh?
00:46:09Yes, don't we all.
00:46:09I've seen enough.
00:46:10What a freak.
00:46:11Excuse me, Rabbi?
00:46:12Would you like some fish?
00:46:14Oh, yes.
00:46:14Thank you, Hyman.
00:46:23Oi.
00:46:24Wow.
00:46:25I have to say our people have invented a lot of lousy food, but gefilte fish might be
00:46:30the worst.
00:46:34My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.
00:46:37Two bites.
00:46:39Wham, bam.
00:46:40Done.
00:46:41Ah.
00:46:41Ah.
00:46:48Shlomi, honey, are you all right?
00:46:49Go away!
00:46:51Damn it, Shlomo.
00:46:52I am coming in there.
00:46:53No, you don't want to see this.
00:46:54It'll change you.
00:46:55It changed me.
00:46:56I'm shitting relatives.
00:46:58Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, Cupcake, but I think I'm going to have to bow out of
00:47:02the tournament.
00:47:03No.
00:47:04No, no, no, no, no, Shlomo.
00:47:05You are not doing any such thing.
00:47:07Now, this is the finals.
00:47:08If we have to take some sort of slop bucket, then so be it.
00:47:10I'm sorry, Lollipop.
00:47:12But we'll just have to wait another year to beat those damn fleisters.
00:47:17Darn it.
00:47:17What tournament?
00:47:19What?
00:47:20Tournament?
00:47:21It is the NBLA Regionals.
00:47:23We are in the finals.
00:47:24It starts in three hours.
00:47:25But, well, I guess that I won't be going this year.
00:47:30I play bridge.
00:47:32He and God, all I do is help you.
00:47:35I want to thank all of you for taking part in what is the world's greatest sporting event,
00:47:46Duplicate Bridge.
00:47:47Stand up, feel the sun, you know your time has come, all I'm not, it's time to feel alive.
00:47:57Give me a four of diamonds.
00:47:58Give me an eight of clubs.
00:47:58The eight of clubs.
00:47:59Give me an ace of spades.
00:48:11Ace of spades.
00:48:13And what does that spell?
00:48:14Bridge to f***es!
00:48:15Bridge to f***es!
00:48:16Oh yeah!
00:48:17Oh yeah!
00:48:18Dialogue away.
00:48:19Bridge to f***es!
00:48:23Jack Trump in your face!
00:48:29We have a two-way tie.
00:48:36That means sudden death.
00:48:39Oh yeah!
00:48:40Oh yeah!
00:48:41Oh yeah!
00:48:42You've all been briefed on the rules.
00:48:44Three boards.
00:48:45Two out of three wins.
00:48:47Let's keep it clean.
00:48:50Begin!
00:48:50On your market ready, here we go, it's time to play.
00:48:55Choose a battle, battle, do a battle, walk away, bring.
00:49:03Yes!
00:49:04Rosenberg Martin's big one, nothing.
00:49:08They're freaking me out a little bit.
00:49:10Hey, just pay no attention.
00:49:11I've been playing with them for years.
00:49:12It's disturbing.
00:49:13Oh!
00:49:15Oh!
00:49:16Oh!
00:49:17Oh!
00:49:18Oh!
00:49:19I can do this, right?
00:49:24Trust me.
00:49:25You know it.
00:49:26It's over.
00:49:27Trump!
00:49:28Oh!
00:49:29What?
00:49:30Trump, baby!
00:49:31It's called Trump!
00:49:32It's called Trump!
00:49:33It's not Trump!
00:49:34You did it!
00:49:36Oh my god!
00:49:37Oh my god!
00:49:38Oh my god!
00:49:39Oh my god!
00:49:40There's big winners over here!
00:49:42Oh my god!
00:49:43We beat the flashman!
00:49:44I beat the flashman!
00:49:45We beat the flashman!
00:49:46We beat you!
00:49:47You!
00:49:48No!
00:49:49Oh, you are amazing.
00:49:54We did it.
00:49:54We did it.
00:49:56Yeah.
00:49:56What's going on, Chris?
00:49:57Oh, honey.
00:49:57Honey, did you see us?
00:50:03Allison.
00:50:04Avi, what are you doing here?
00:50:06What, you two know each other?
00:50:07Yeah, this is the girl I told you about.
00:50:10We went on the date.
00:50:10She never called me back.
00:50:12How do you two know each other?
00:50:13That's my daughter.
00:50:15What?
00:50:15Your daughter?
00:50:16Mom, can I talk to you just for a second?
00:50:19Um, I met that guy at your last mixer.
00:50:24We went on a date, and he ended up being one of the strangest guys I've ever met.
00:50:28How can you possibly say that?
00:50:29I think he is wonderful.
00:50:31He asked our waiter if he could chew him down on the check, and then he said that I had
00:50:36a cute little jupeak.
00:50:37Oh, oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.
00:50:40He's very funny.
00:50:41Really?
00:50:42Okay.
00:50:42Well, then we went to a jazz club, and he stood up in front of everyone and said that Smokey
00:50:47Joe Jefferson was a schwarza.
00:50:48Well, he is one, isn't he?
00:50:50He is a psycho.
00:50:51I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?
00:50:53Oh, please.
00:50:54Now, come on.
00:50:55I mean, the man is a doctor.
00:50:57It's not like he has time to stalk.
00:50:59No, obviously, this is some sort of crazy coincidence that, you know, it's good.
00:51:05Now, wait a minute.
00:51:07Actually, I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.
00:51:13Now, I think that this just might be fate, trying to get you two together.
00:51:20Wow.
00:51:21I have never heard you like this.
00:51:22All right.
00:51:23Allison, darling, listen to me.
00:51:25Now, you are 27 years old.
00:51:27And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?
00:51:29No.
00:51:30And why is that?
00:51:31Because I have never felt that anyone was good enough for you.
00:51:35Until now.
00:51:36What are you doing?
00:51:47What?
00:51:48I told you to let me get to the altar, look at me for 15 seconds, let the tension build,
00:51:53and then slowly pull my veil back.
00:51:56And where is the rabbi?
00:51:57Can somebody get him off the shitter?
00:51:58Okay, fine.
00:51:59Whatever.
00:51:59Let's just keep going.
00:52:00No, we can't keep going.
00:52:01We have to keep doing it until we get it right.
00:52:03Adam, your timing was way off.
00:52:05I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.
00:52:07Yeah, that's the least of our problems.
00:52:08You didn't even have tears in your eyes when you lifted up the veil.
00:52:11It's a rehearsal.
00:52:12Who cares if it's a rehearsal?
00:52:13Don't you love my daughter so much that you tear up every time you see her?
00:52:16I can't believe you're being so insensitive.
00:52:18Don't you know that she is still recovering from her surgery?
00:52:21Oh, by the way, Hannah has your new vatch.
00:52:24Jill, stop talking about Hannah's vagina.
00:52:27Less ugly?
00:52:28Dennis!
00:52:28Dad!
00:52:29What?
00:52:29Pokey-poo, the Daniels are right.
00:52:31You really need to take this a little bit more seriously because we only have three more
00:52:35rehearsals left till the wedding.
00:52:37Megan, sweetie, your pedal throng's got a little bit sloppy and unfocused.
00:52:41Remember, it's three pedals per step.
00:52:44Screw it up again and you're both out.
00:52:48Okay, so let's take it from the poems.
00:52:50What?
00:52:51The poems?
00:52:51Yeah.
00:52:52Oh, honey, you want to do that now?
00:52:53I thought that was going to be a surprise for the wedding day.
00:52:56It's going to be a surprise for the guests, but I need to see how you perform it so I
00:52:59can give you notes.
00:53:01Okay.
00:53:04Hannah.
00:53:04Yes?
00:53:05The day I met you, it was like a dream, even more thrilling than my father's new embroidery
00:53:11machine.
00:53:12I'm fine.
00:53:13My feelings towards you are so extreme that sometimes when I'm with you, I just, I just
00:53:18want to scream.
00:53:21What grade is he in?
00:53:22The thought of being without you words can't explain if you only knew what was going on
00:53:28inside my brain.
00:53:32Brain.
00:53:33Brain.
00:53:33Brain.
00:53:34I can't believe I'm about to spend the rest of my years with you.
00:53:38And in just a few minutes, I'm going to say the words.
00:53:44I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm going to say the words, I can't.
00:53:57What are you doing?
00:53:59I'm not ready to be a man.
00:54:01What?
00:54:02Again?
00:54:02I'm not ready to be a man.
00:54:04Finally, he says something true.
00:54:06What?
00:54:06I'm not ready to be a man.
00:54:09I'm not ready to be a man.
00:54:12I'm not ready to be a man.
00:54:13Oh, Adam.
00:54:15This is why I wanted to rehearse.
00:54:17What the fuck?
00:54:19You're kidding, right?
00:54:20No, no, because, um, sex, you know, has a way of complicating things and I, I want to
00:54:26get to know you.
00:54:27I want to get to know the real you.
00:54:29I can't believe you're saying this.
00:54:31I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.
00:54:33So, um, I saw your commercial.
00:54:35So I went to the palace and we've been hanging out ever since.
00:54:38He never said a word to us about this.
00:54:39God forbid he should tell us anything.
00:54:41Have you heard from him at all in the last week?
00:54:43No, no, I've been calling him, too.
00:54:45He hasn't returned any of my calls.
00:54:46What if he was murdered by the homeless meth heads?
00:54:49What if he was blown by a vampire?
00:54:51Did he say anything about Hannah, about the wedding?
00:54:53No, nothing.
00:54:55Daddy!
00:54:56You know what?
00:54:56He probably just got cold feet.
00:54:58I disappeared for six months before my wedding.
00:55:00Right, honey?
00:55:00Uh, that was me.
00:55:01Oh, that's right.
00:55:03How are you a doctor?
00:55:05Oh, God.
00:55:06He's gone forever and I'm never gonna have a baby.
00:55:12Oh, God.
00:55:14I didn't have a grandchild.
00:55:17Oh, God.
00:55:20No.
00:55:22God damn it.
00:55:22Do something, Bruce.
00:55:25Oh, no.
00:55:26No.
00:55:28No.
00:55:29No.
00:55:37Huh?
00:55:40Hello?
00:55:41Hello?
00:55:42I'm not ready to be a man.
00:55:43I don't.
00:55:46Ah!
00:55:48Now, the doctors at the hospital referred you to Serenity Hills
00:55:52because they felt that Adam required a more intense,
00:55:56hands-on environment for his condition.
00:55:58His condition?
00:55:59Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case
00:56:02of post-traumatic stress disorder.
00:56:04Oh, what the?
00:56:05I didn't do it.
00:56:06I just don't understand what could have caused all this.
00:56:09Not again.
00:56:10Man, your fault.
00:56:11Shh, honey, you can still change your mind.
00:56:17What the?
00:56:18Seems fine to me.
00:56:19Get him!
00:56:22Run!
00:56:23Get him!
00:56:24In a case like Adam's,
00:56:26who has a long history of panic attacks,
00:56:29it's not uncommon that he would reach what we refer to
00:56:32as the ha, or the hyper-aroused state.
00:56:39What we are watching are nuts.
00:56:41Numbness.
00:56:42Numbing.
00:56:43Now, over the next 21 days...
00:56:4621 days?
00:56:47No, no, no, that is July 2nd.
00:56:48July 2nd is my wedding.
00:56:49Well, you've got to get a matter quicker than that.
00:56:50I've got 200 grand in deposits.
00:56:52Do you have, like, an express service?
00:56:53Express service?
00:56:54This is our only son you're talking about!
00:56:56We're not putting him in some express service!
00:56:58Whoa!
00:56:59Whoa!
00:57:00Whoa!
00:57:01Just relax.
00:57:02Breathe.
00:57:03We need 21 days.
00:57:04And if you cannot give us that,
00:57:06then get him out of here.
00:57:07Oh!
00:57:08We can go swimming.
00:57:09I don't know.
00:57:10You need to try.
00:57:11It's going to be okay.
00:57:12Look, he looks better on the ladder.
00:57:14Is it just me, or does that dolphin look like him?
00:57:18No!
00:57:19Never did that with me!
00:57:20Ever!
00:57:21Give him time!
00:57:22Give him time!
00:57:23Here's a nightmare!
00:57:24You, Adam!
00:57:25You!
00:57:26You!
00:57:27Johnny Williams, come on down!
00:57:31Oh, gosh.
00:57:32Don't think I've seen this since I was a kid.
00:57:35Wow.
00:57:36It's amazing they can still find humans
00:57:38who will actually appear in this show.
00:57:42I'm Salah Khan.
00:57:43I've been assigned to be your primary counsellor.
00:57:48Look.
00:57:49If you don't want to talk, it's no problem.
00:57:51You don't have to talk.
00:57:53You know, these things take time.
00:57:55And I've got all the time you need.
00:57:57All right.
00:58:01Are you ready for some Paco?
00:58:03Okay, let's do it.
00:58:04Let's walk out.
00:58:05And give it a drop.
00:58:07Okay, all right.
00:58:09Here it goes.
00:58:10It takes a little tea time.
00:58:12Why is it that only fat people make it into the showdown?
00:58:15I don't know how to do it.
00:58:17Fine.
00:58:18You know, you want to sit there like a vegetable all day,
00:58:21pretend like you don't hear me, then go right ahead.
00:58:24All right.
00:58:25But my job is to make you well again
00:58:28by having you face the traumatic events
00:58:30that have forced you into this state.
00:58:31So, unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that,
00:58:34then I would save the $2,500 a day you're spending here
00:58:37and go check yourself into a hotel.
00:58:41All right, suit yourself.
00:58:43You stare all you like, little man.
00:58:46What did you just say?
00:58:55So, anyway, the moil slips.
00:58:58A piece falls off.
00:58:59Hits me in the punim.
00:59:00I've been cockeyed ever since.
00:59:02So, Ami, Allison tells me you're from Skokie.
00:59:07Yeah, yeah.
00:59:08You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.
00:59:10Sorry, excuse me.
00:59:12Oh, really?
00:59:13Yeah, we were practically neighbors.
00:59:15Your family still there?
00:59:16Nope.
00:59:17Where'd they move to?
00:59:18They moved.
00:59:19To heaven.
00:59:20Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:59:24When did they pass?
00:59:26They, um, they passed a few years back.
00:59:29I can't believe you never told me that.
00:59:31Well, it's hard to talk about.
00:59:34It's very raw.
00:59:35Why?
00:59:36What happened?
00:59:37Hunting accident.
00:59:38Oi.
00:59:39Hunting accident?
00:59:40Uh, they got shot by hunters.
00:59:41What were your parents doing wandering around
00:59:43where people were hunting?
00:59:44They weren't.
00:59:45They were, um, the hunters were hunting in our backyard.
00:59:48What were the hunters doing in your backyard?
00:59:50They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.
00:59:53And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies
00:59:56and, uh, the, um, the hunters mistook them for elk.
01:00:01Oh.
01:00:02What happened to the hunters?
01:00:03Were they arrested?
01:00:04No.
01:00:05They are still at large.
01:00:06You know what, Avi?
01:00:07The police chief in Skokie's an old friend of mine.
01:00:09I'm calling him tomorrow.
01:00:11We'll see if we can't help move things along.
01:00:13Huh.
01:00:14Uh, forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your...
01:00:16Can we, can we talk about something else?
01:00:18Of course.
01:00:19I was watching TV last night, um, Ten Commandments.
01:00:22Charlton Heston, what an actor.
01:00:24Not Jewish, you know.
01:00:26Who isn't?
01:00:28So I'm, I'm up there and we're rehearsing these, these poems
01:00:34that we had written for each other.
01:00:37And, and right at the part where I'm about to say I do,
01:00:42I just, I just cracked.
01:00:44Good, Adam.
01:00:45Do you remember how you were feeling in that very moment?
01:00:49No.
01:00:50I mean, I, I just, for a split second, I, I, I saw my entire life
01:00:56with Hannah flash before my eyes.
01:00:58And why did that scare you?
01:01:00Probably because I, I don't think she's right for me.
01:01:05So then why are you marrying her?
01:01:07I don't know.
01:01:08You're avoiding the question, Adam.
01:01:10I think you do know.
01:01:12Now, what I want you to do is try to pinpoint the exact moment
01:01:16in your life where this pressure you're feeling originated.
01:01:20I was 12 years old.
01:01:25Stop staring at her, Adam.
01:01:29That is rude.
01:01:31You're cute.
01:01:34You stare all you right, little man.
01:01:36You are not, and you will never be, her little man.
01:01:41Why can't I be her little man?
01:01:42Because she's not Jewish.
01:01:43So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?
01:01:45That's right.
01:01:46Why?
01:01:47Because it's your responsibility to perpetuate our religion.
01:01:48Why?
01:01:49Because six million of our ancestors died and we owe it to them.
01:01:51Why?
01:01:52Because they're dead.
01:01:53So what does that have to do with me?
01:01:54Because you're Jewish.
01:01:55The fate of our entire religion depends on you.
01:01:58You, you, you, you.
01:02:00It depends on me.
01:02:01It depends on me.
01:02:02It's all right.
01:02:03It all depends on me.
01:02:04It's all right.
01:02:05It's all right, Adam.
01:02:07Oh, God.
01:02:08Oh, God.
01:02:09Oh, God.
01:02:10Oh, God.
01:02:11Adam, that was really good.
01:02:14Really good.
01:02:17I'm here.
01:02:18Hey, boss.
01:02:21Can I get the Christmas?
01:02:22Yeah.
01:02:24Here.
01:02:24Ay, gracias.
01:02:25You have soft hands.
01:02:26Uh, hey, boss, you remember that one time we went to?
01:02:28Don't say a word.
01:02:29Hey, beautiful.
01:02:30How you doing?
01:02:31Yeah, here.
01:02:33Ay, gracias.
01:02:34You have soft hands.
01:02:36Uh, hey, Buzz, you remember that one time we went to...
01:02:39Don't say a word.
01:02:42Hey, beautiful, how you doing?
01:02:44Just working. What are you doing?
01:02:46Oh, nothing, you know, just here at the hospital,
01:02:48checking in on patients, patients, patients.
01:02:50What's up, baby?
01:02:52Well, I just spoke to my dad,
01:02:53and he talked to the chief of police in Skokie,
01:02:55and there's no record of any Rosenbergs
01:02:57being shot and killed by hunters.
01:02:59Really?
01:03:00Yeah, in fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death
01:03:03in Skokie ever.
01:03:05So I went online to research it,
01:03:07and I couldn't find anything.
01:03:08Allison, I didn't want to have to tell you this,
01:03:10but my parents were in the witness protection program,
01:03:15and when they were murdered,
01:03:17the FBI destroyed their records.
01:03:19Hey, Buzz, you're crazy.
01:03:21What were they doing in the witness protection program?
01:03:23Jimmy Hoffa?
01:03:24What about Jimmy Hoffa?
01:03:26Look, I've said too much already.
01:03:27Do you understand?
01:03:28Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.
01:03:29I mean, we've been going out for a month,
01:03:31and you never tell me that your parents were murdered
01:03:33by elk hunters,
01:03:34and now they're in the witness protection program?
01:03:36And on top of all that,
01:03:37I'm just starting to wonder if you might be gay.
01:03:40Well, gay?
01:03:41Whoa, whoa.
01:03:42Why would you think I'm gay?
01:03:44Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month
01:03:46and doesn't want to sleep with her?
01:03:48I do. I want to sleep with you.
01:03:49I just wanted to be special.
01:03:52Ew.
01:03:53That is exactly what my Aunt Judy's husband told her
01:03:55right before they got married.
01:03:56And 20 years and two kids later,
01:03:58she walks in on him tied up with a rubber ball gag in his mouth
01:04:01being by a who was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
01:04:05Okay?
01:04:06And now you're not going to turn out like my Aunt Judy.
01:04:08Okay, okay, okay. Listen, we will sleep together.
01:04:12Let's do this, baby.
01:04:14Really? Do you mean that?
01:04:15Oh, yeah.
01:04:16When?
01:04:17When are we going to have sex?
01:04:18Right after I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.
01:04:22What medical conference in Dallas?
01:04:24Remember I told you about that a couple of weeks ago.
01:04:27When are you leaving?
01:04:28Like in two hours.
01:04:31You know, when you inhale,
01:04:33maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabron.
01:04:42You know, Ruth, I'm looking at a bill here for $42,765.
01:04:49And considering we said we'd split all the wedding expenses,
01:04:53we need to go halfsies.
01:04:55How's your son going crazy at wedding expense?
01:04:57Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal,
01:04:59so I think a case could be made in a court of law.
01:05:02This is a wedding expense.
01:05:04Nice try. Nice try.
01:05:05He's got a well-documented, pre-existing condition.
01:05:07There's no way in hell we're paying for it.
01:05:09His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.
01:05:11Oh.
01:05:12Oh.
01:05:13Hey, are you implying that my daughter
01:05:14had something to do with Adam's freak-out?
01:05:16Oh, she's not implying.
01:05:18She's saying.
01:05:19I had nothing to do with this.
01:05:20Oh, right, you're not insane.
01:05:22Everyone, please.
01:05:23We have worked very hard to get Adam to the point
01:05:26he is at in his therapy,
01:05:27and he has had a very tough time.
01:05:29But these last few days,
01:05:31he has truly managed to come from behind.
01:05:34Oh, God! Oh, God!
01:05:37Oh, God!
01:05:38What the?
01:05:39Oh, God!
01:05:40Oh, God!
01:05:41Oh, God!
01:05:42Oh, God!
01:05:43What are you doing?
01:05:44He never tried that with me!
01:05:46Hannah?
01:05:47Oh, man!
01:05:48What is everybody doing here at the same time?
01:05:51Oh, God.
01:05:53Oh, God.
01:05:54So, let me get this straight.
01:05:56You no longer want to get married to me
01:05:59because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?
01:06:02I know this must be a shock for everyone,
01:06:04but when Adam finally opened up to me,
01:06:07I don't know, we just clicked.
01:06:09What do you mean you just clicked?
01:06:11Arlene, we are not going to get anywhere
01:06:14by attacking each other, Sala.
01:06:16Please continue.
01:06:18By the way, you're fired.
01:06:20Well, I'm a Buddhist,
01:06:23and both of our religions were born out of struggle,
01:06:26so we both place emphasis on family,
01:06:30education, and hard work.
01:06:32And the intense pressure that Adam feels
01:06:34to marry within his people
01:06:36is the same pressure I feel to marry a Mongolian,
01:06:39so it's no wonder why we're able to connect.
01:06:42For 43 grand, you could have connected
01:06:44with every chick in Mongolia!
01:06:47Okay, Sala.
01:06:50Hypothetically speaking,
01:06:52if you two were to stay together
01:06:54and get married,
01:06:57how would you raise your children?
01:06:59Mom, do we have to get into this right now?
01:07:01Isn't that what this is for?
01:07:02Okay, well, the truth is...
01:07:03The truth is...
01:07:05The truth is?
01:07:05The truth is...
01:07:06What's the truth?
01:07:06The truth is, I don't know
01:07:08if I want to raise my kids Jewish!
01:07:13Oh, shit.
01:07:14Jesus, who are you?
01:07:18Was I not a good mother to you?
01:07:22When you were in kindergarten
01:07:23and you wanted the little trampoline
01:07:25that could poke your eye out,
01:07:26who got you the trampoline
01:07:27that could poke your eye out?
01:07:29I did.
01:07:29And when you were in fifth grade
01:07:31and you wanted to take karate lessons
01:07:34in Chinatown,
01:07:35who drove you there three nights a week
01:07:37and sat in the parking lot
01:07:39all alone in the dark?
01:07:42I did.
01:07:43Okay.
01:07:44And do you know why?
01:07:46Because you're my son.
01:07:49And I love you.
01:07:53And how do you show your love for me?
01:07:56You have style sex
01:07:59with your Mongolian therapist
01:08:00on your wedding day!
01:08:02And then you say to me,
01:08:04Hey, Mom, I'm not sure
01:08:07if I want to raise my kids Jewish!
01:08:11Oh, Adam, that's fine!
01:08:13That's fine!
01:08:14Just save the knife!
01:08:15Just save the knife and kill me, Adam!
01:08:17Just save it right now!
01:08:18Mom, stop it!
01:08:23Oh, okay, Adam.
01:08:25So you're saying
01:08:26that our entire time together
01:08:28meant nothing to you?
01:08:29We never hit you!
01:08:30We never fondled you!
01:08:31I got a lip of tea!
01:08:32Can you for you?
01:08:34Honey, honey,
01:08:35I think we dodged a bullet.
01:08:37Yeah, she seems nice.
01:08:38I mean,
01:08:39you better get a good lawyer,
01:08:40freak boy,
01:08:40because I'm suing your ass off.
01:08:42Okay, this!
01:08:44This!
01:08:45Right here!
01:08:46You want to know
01:08:47why I went nuts?
01:08:49It's because all of you
01:08:50are nuts!
01:08:52And I'm sorry
01:08:53that I can't marry you,
01:08:54but it's better
01:08:55that we end this right now
01:08:56rather than dragging this on
01:08:58for a long fucking time.
01:09:01And, Mom,
01:09:01I'm sorry
01:09:02that you had to do things
01:09:03that you didn't want to do,
01:09:05but you know what?
01:09:06So did I.
01:09:07I joined the family business
01:09:08and became
01:09:09the embroidery prince!
01:09:11Well,
01:09:11how happy can a man be?
01:09:13And to top it off,
01:09:14I've never dated a woman
01:09:15who wasn't Jewish
01:09:16my entire life.
01:09:17Well, you know what?
01:09:18I'm not doing things
01:09:19for you guys anymore,
01:09:20huh?
01:09:21I'm doing things for me
01:09:22because I love Sala.
01:09:24Sala.
01:09:24Sala.
01:09:25And she's Mongolian.
01:09:28And that's pretty cool.
01:09:31I love you too.
01:09:33Oh, God.
01:09:35Are you going to be paying
01:09:36by cash or check?
01:09:40With this technique,
01:09:41the thematic skin
01:09:42is allowed to stay intact.
01:09:44And finally,
01:09:45the neocrossing crush.
01:09:47By using the terra clamp,
01:09:49the skin is crushed
01:09:50for around 10 days
01:09:51until it suffocates
01:09:53and dies.
01:09:54With this technique,
01:09:56the skin bonds...
01:09:56Tough, though.
01:09:56Yeah.
01:09:57I mean,
01:09:57you've got to love
01:09:58the dorsal slip, right?
01:10:00Because the phomotic skin
01:10:00stays intact.
01:10:01But on the other hand,
01:10:02with the sleeve resection,
01:10:03I've got the widest variety
01:10:04of scarring options.
01:10:06What do you think?
01:10:08Honestly,
01:10:08I'm kind of partial
01:10:09to the temporary crush.
01:10:10You know,
01:10:10you get all the benefits
01:10:12of the sleeve resection,
01:10:13but you get that pump action
01:10:14of the agamco device there.
01:10:16Yeah, yeah.
01:10:16Plus,
01:10:17it reduces your schmegma
01:10:18by like 75%.
01:10:20It does?
01:10:20Yeah.
01:10:21Done.
01:10:21Sold.
01:10:23Going with the temporary crush, boy.
01:10:25Knock, knock.
01:10:26Snip, snip time,
01:10:27Mr. O'Connell.
01:10:29Oh.
01:10:31Here we go.
01:10:32Is this your life partner?
01:10:34Who?
01:10:34No.
01:10:35No, no, no, no, no.
01:10:35No life partnering here.
01:10:37No, that would be weird.
01:10:38Not that that's weird at all,
01:10:40but just, you know.
01:10:40Okay, Mr. O'Connell.
01:10:42So, me going to turn
01:10:43this little knobby here on,
01:10:44and you're going to
01:10:45just slowly drift away.
01:10:47Me want you to breathe,
01:10:49relax,
01:10:50enjoy it.
01:10:53Breathing, breathing.
01:10:55I'm scared.
01:10:56Yeah, I have nothing
01:10:57to be afraid of, boy.
01:10:58Nurse Boo is going to
01:10:59sing you a little ditty
01:11:00and make you feel
01:11:01all better.
01:11:02Oh.
01:11:02When I was only
01:11:03eight days old,
01:11:05hurrah,
01:11:06hurrah,
01:11:06a billy, billy, billy,
01:11:07bum.
01:11:08When I was only
01:11:09eight days old,
01:11:10hurrah,
01:11:11hurrah,
01:11:12a billy, billy, billy.
01:11:13The boy that came
01:11:14with his big knife,
01:11:15I thought he was
01:11:16going to take my life,
01:11:17but he only took
01:11:18a little bit
01:11:20off the top,
01:11:21a little bit
01:11:22off the top,
01:11:23top, top,
01:11:23a little bit
01:11:24off the top.
01:11:27Top.
01:11:28Well,
01:11:29okay, okay.
01:11:30Okay.
01:11:31She was taking
01:11:32a little off the top.
01:11:32Easy there,
01:11:33Mr. O'Connor.
01:11:35Next time,
01:11:37don't trust
01:11:37your circumcision
01:11:38to an HMO.
01:11:47I think she's nice.
01:11:48I just,
01:11:48I can't believe
01:11:49that you're doing
01:11:50all of this
01:11:51just so you don't
01:11:52have to make
01:11:52any more decisions.
01:11:53Oh, Adam,
01:11:54you don't get it.
01:11:56All those things
01:11:57that you say
01:11:57drive you crazy,
01:11:58I love.
01:11:59I love that
01:12:00your parents
01:12:01smother you.
01:12:01I love that
01:12:03if they hear
01:12:03about a tornado
01:12:04in Kansas,
01:12:05they call you,
01:12:07even though
01:12:07you live in Los Angeles.
01:12:09Yeah,
01:12:09we're very nervous
01:12:10people.
01:12:10And I love
01:12:11the fact that
01:12:11you email each
01:12:12other your itinerary
01:12:13is because
01:12:14because you never
01:12:16know,
01:12:17you know?
01:12:17No.
01:12:19You never know.
01:12:20Never know.
01:12:21And for the past
01:12:225,000 years,
01:12:23every civilization,
01:12:25every culture
01:12:25has tried to have
01:12:26you guys annihilated.
01:12:27Yeah,
01:12:27we are not liked.
01:12:28I like you.
01:12:29We like,
01:12:30you're getting the
01:12:30it's going to all
01:12:31make sense now.
01:12:33Muhammad Al-Sheikh
01:12:34Al-Sheen
01:12:35Al-Sheikh
01:12:36is up here.
01:12:37Now,
01:12:37he's going to come
01:12:38up here
01:12:38and then we got
01:12:39Muhammad Al-Sheikh.
01:12:41No.
01:12:42Stop that.
01:12:43O'Connell here.
01:12:46Speak up.
01:12:47Hi, Daddy.
01:12:47It's your son,
01:12:48Christian.
01:12:48What you doing?
01:12:49I'm in Tahiti
01:12:50having myself
01:12:50a Mai Tai.
01:12:51What the hell
01:12:52do you think
01:12:52I'm doing?
01:12:54Fighting terrorists?
01:12:55Spreading democracy?
01:12:56Dad,
01:12:57guess what I'm doing?
01:12:58Oh,
01:12:58I'm here with
01:12:59Adam Lipschitz.
01:12:59You remember him?
01:13:00Adam Lipschitz?
01:13:01Didn't I order you
01:13:02to stay away
01:13:03from that boy?
01:13:03No, Daddy.
01:13:04We're life partners.
01:13:05Sir,
01:13:06that's inaccurate, sir.
01:13:07Life partners?
01:13:08Now,
01:13:08what the hell
01:13:09is life partners?
01:13:10She's a homo,
01:13:10Dad.
01:13:11What?
01:13:11I call her to what?
01:13:13A homo?
01:13:14Yeah,
01:13:14we're here
01:13:14at the hospital,
01:13:15you know,
01:13:15because he's with me
01:13:16so I can get
01:13:17circumcised,
01:13:19sir.
01:13:19What?
01:13:19Not for me,
01:13:20though.
01:13:20Circumcised.
01:13:22Circumcised?
01:13:23Yeah,
01:13:23so I can be a Jew,
01:13:24Daddy.
01:13:24You can be a Jew?
01:13:26Daddy,
01:13:26I want to tell you
01:13:27something, too,
01:13:27because I don't think
01:13:28I've ever told you
01:13:29this before.
01:13:29We never say this,
01:13:30but I love you,
01:13:32Daddy.
01:13:32I love you.
01:13:35Hi.
01:13:36Ow!
01:13:36Sorry.
01:13:37You know,
01:13:38I'm glad
01:13:38we're hanging out again,
01:13:39but I kind of feel
01:13:40like something's missing.
01:13:41A little bit
01:13:43off the top.
01:13:44Top of the top.
01:13:51Allison?
01:13:55Want to have sex?
01:13:56Not really.
01:14:03Clear right!
01:14:04Clear right!
01:14:04Didn't I order you
01:14:06to keep your son
01:14:07away from my son?
01:14:09Excuse me.
01:14:10Don't you play
01:14:11dumb with me,
01:14:12s*** lips?
01:14:14Buck O'Connell?
01:14:16Oh, jeez.
01:14:17Your Adam
01:14:18has turned
01:14:19my Christian
01:14:20into some
01:14:21gay Jew.
01:14:23Whoa, whoa, whoa,
01:14:23whoa, whoa.
01:14:24Buck, slow down.
01:14:25What are you talking about?
01:14:26They're
01:14:27live partners.
01:14:30Live partners?
01:14:32Wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:14:33What makes you
01:14:34think this?
01:14:35He called
01:14:35and told me
01:14:37while he was
01:14:38in hospital
01:14:39with your Adam
01:14:40that he
01:14:41was about
01:14:43to get his package
01:14:43up so they
01:14:44could be
01:14:45gay Jews
01:14:46together.
01:14:48And then
01:14:49he told me,
01:14:50Dad,
01:14:50I love you.
01:14:52What the hell
01:14:54is going on?
01:14:55Huh?
01:14:55Oh, Dennis.
01:14:56We pushed him
01:14:57too far
01:14:58and he snapped
01:14:59with all the pressure
01:15:01that we put on him
01:15:02to marry a Jewish girl.
01:15:03The Asian wasn't
01:15:04enough and
01:15:04he went the other way.
01:15:08Okay, Buck,
01:15:09first of all,
01:15:10you look fantastic.
01:15:12Whoa, hey, hey.
01:15:13Take it easy, yo, man.
01:15:14No, but second of all,
01:15:15I mean,
01:15:15I'm having a hard time
01:15:16believing any of this.
01:15:18Oh, yeah?
01:15:19The way's your boy
01:15:20right now.
01:15:21Oh, buddy,
01:15:22I'm so happy
01:15:23you're here
01:15:23and that you're
01:15:24helping me with this.
01:15:25I don't know
01:15:26what I would do
01:15:26without you.
01:15:26You really need me
01:15:27to do this again?
01:15:28I gotta be honest.
01:15:28I don't know
01:15:29if I can get through
01:15:29another gauze pass.
01:15:31And how many times
01:15:32a day do you have
01:15:32to do it?
01:15:33Oh, really?
01:15:34I can't do this myself.
01:15:35Please come and do it.
01:15:36God.
01:15:37Come on,
01:15:37just help me.
01:15:38Okay.
01:15:39Come here.
01:15:39Put some of that jelly
01:15:40on it and let's get going.
01:15:41Drop the petroleum jelly
01:15:47and back away
01:15:49from my son's anus.
01:15:51Holy s***.
01:15:53I knew it.
01:15:54Don't shoot him, Dad.
01:15:55Mom?
01:15:56Adam.
01:15:56Dad?
01:15:57Damn it, Adam.
01:15:57Jelly's for toast.
01:16:01Allison,
01:16:02I'm not a Jew
01:16:03and I'm not a doctor
01:16:04and my name is not
01:16:05Avi Rosenberg.
01:16:06Well, then
01:16:07who the hell are you?
01:16:08I'm Christian Thaddeus
01:16:09Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.
01:16:11I'm a plumber.
01:16:12Look,
01:16:12when I met you
01:16:13at the mixer,
01:16:14I begged my friend
01:16:14Adam here
01:16:15to help me pass
01:16:16myself off as a Jew
01:16:18so that you'd be
01:16:18able to date me.
01:16:20P*** club?
01:16:22Allison,
01:16:23how's it going?
01:16:24Marcy?
01:16:24Don't you even look at me.
01:16:25Rabbi, I'm so sorry.
01:16:26You.
01:16:27P*** club.
01:16:28Before Adam came along,
01:16:29I watched NASCAR
01:16:30and I had the heads
01:16:31of dead animals
01:16:32that I'd hunted
01:16:33and killed myself
01:16:33on my wall
01:16:34and I had no idea
01:16:35that when you order
01:16:36a salad at a restaurant
01:16:36you can order
01:16:37the dressing on the side,
01:16:38let alone custom create
01:16:40your own dishes
01:16:40off the menu.
01:16:41What the hell are you
01:16:41talking about?
01:16:42I fed you C's a salad.
01:16:44Jews can custom create
01:16:45their own dishes
01:16:45off the menu.
01:16:47They're always up to something.
01:16:49No, I can hear you.
01:16:50That's why I messed up
01:16:51our date so bad
01:16:52because I wasn't being
01:16:53myself.
01:16:54And then Adam told me
01:16:55the only way I'm ever
01:16:56going to be able
01:16:56to get you back
01:16:56is if I could
01:16:57convince your mom
01:16:58that I was the greatest
01:16:59guy in the world.
01:17:00So that's why
01:17:01I poisoned your dad
01:17:02with the rotten gift
01:17:03filled of fish
01:17:04because I wanted to
01:17:06partner with your mom
01:17:07in the bridge tournament.
01:17:07You're the reason
01:17:08I've been on the toilet
01:17:09for three days
01:17:10becoming a raisin?
01:17:11All right,
01:17:11now we finally beat
01:17:12the Fleischmann,
01:17:13Shlomi,
01:17:13so just leave it alone.
01:17:14Was there ever
01:17:15a medical conference
01:17:16in Dallas?
01:17:17No, I just needed
01:17:18time to recover
01:17:19from the circumcision.
01:17:20Oh, John!
01:17:22On the what?
01:17:23You wouldn't mind
01:17:24having circumcision?
01:17:25Why would you do
01:17:26all that?
01:17:27Because I love you.
01:17:29Allison, I love you.
01:17:36Oh!
01:17:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:17:40And I want...
01:17:41I want you to make
01:17:42every decision for me
01:17:43for the rest of my life.
01:17:44Will you do that?
01:17:46So I'm just supposed
01:17:47to forget about
01:17:47everything you just said
01:17:49because you love me?
01:17:51Yes, please.
01:17:54Son, stop this hollering
01:17:56and just propose
01:17:57to the girl.
01:17:59Don't put the tongue in.
01:18:05Well, that haircut
01:18:06is awful.
01:18:07So let me make
01:18:08an appointment for you
01:18:09with my guy
01:18:09because he's the best.
01:18:11I should take that
01:18:12as a yes, huh?
01:18:13Yes.
01:18:14I'll take that
01:18:15as a yes.
01:18:16Aw, Shlomi,
01:18:17we've got a plumber.
01:18:18Christian Thaddeus
01:18:20Reginald MacArthur
01:18:21O'Connell.
01:18:22Rosenberg.
01:18:23Now that's a nice
01:18:24Jewish name.
01:18:26We are so thrilled
01:18:30that you finally decided
01:18:32to come on a moose hunt
01:18:33with us.
01:18:33I can't wait
01:18:34to kill me a ten-pointer.
01:18:35I'm going to skin him
01:18:36and gut him
01:18:37and pull out his rectum.
01:18:38You, uh, nobody is
01:18:39pulling out anybody's
01:18:40rectum here.
01:18:40That's what they do.
01:18:41No, no, listen to me,
01:18:42Shlomi.
01:18:42That would be
01:18:43a disgusting thing to do.
01:18:44Think of it.
01:18:44You could be more of it.
01:18:45E. coli,
01:18:45you could get bacterium.
01:18:47There are no wipes
01:18:48here that I can see.
01:18:49Shut up!
01:18:50Stop the conviction!
01:18:53Mercy,
01:18:54yarmulke man,
01:18:55take a knee.
01:18:56A knee?
01:18:59Cramp.
01:19:00Careful.
01:19:01Not like that.
01:19:02For God's sake.
01:19:03I remember when my father
01:19:07took me out
01:19:07for my first hunt.
01:19:10We all fought like crazy
01:19:12over who's going to be
01:19:13the lucky one
01:19:13to pull out that rectum.
01:19:15Ah.
01:19:16That's what they do?
01:19:17Oh, thank you.
01:19:18Nog, baby.
01:19:18Damn right.
01:19:20Nog, baby.
01:19:21Ah, daddy loves
01:19:23mama's nog.
01:19:24Nog, baby.
01:19:26I'm not really
01:19:27much of a nog guy.
01:19:28You know, the dairy
01:19:29kind of makes my
01:19:30acid reflux kick in
01:19:32and I'm not even sure
01:19:33if the eggs are cage-free
01:19:34so I don't feel safe
01:19:35but one slip won't
01:19:36kill me, I guess.
01:19:38Nog, baby.
01:19:40Oh, yeah.
01:19:46Oh, yeah!
01:19:53N-Nar-Nar-Natung
01:19:54and Javai-Nette
01:19:57whatever,
01:19:58my wife and I,
01:19:59we want to thank you
01:19:59for your hospitality
01:20:00and for these
01:20:01beautiful hats.
01:20:02Nog, baby.
01:20:03Nog, baby.
01:20:03I'm not going to
01:20:04have a good
01:20:05night.
01:20:05I'm not going to
01:20:06have a good night.
01:20:07I'm not going to
01:20:07have a good night.
01:20:07My father says it's an
01:20:09honor to have you as
01:20:09part of our family
01:20:10and they've learned a
01:20:11great deal of wisdom
01:20:12from all of you this week.
01:20:15Good to see you.
01:20:16Marmot.
01:20:17Oh, my mother says
01:20:18you're going to love
01:20:18the fried marmot.
01:20:19It's a speciality.
01:20:20Oh, Dennis, did you hear
01:20:21that?
01:20:22We're going to have
01:20:22fried marmot.
01:20:23Hooray.
01:20:23We discuss at home.
01:20:25I can have fried food
01:20:26once every few months.
01:20:27I'm not saying that
01:20:28you shouldn't have
01:20:29fried food.
01:20:30Then what are you saying?
01:20:31Let's just eat it.
01:20:32Maybe a little
01:20:32Mongolian barbecue
01:20:33or something, right?
01:20:34That could be okay.
01:20:35Let's eat what they order.
01:20:38We don't want to be rude.
01:20:38Is it kosher?
01:20:39I don't know.
01:20:40You're not even kosher.
01:20:42Why do you care?
01:20:42I had a dream
01:20:58where I saw everyone
01:21:00with a smile on the face.
01:21:02Oh, I had a dream
01:21:06of the day when our love
01:21:08took the place of our age.
01:21:10I was depressed.
01:21:20I was self-conscious.
01:21:22I realized that my God-given
01:21:24wasn't the vag I wanted
01:21:26God to give me.
01:21:28Hi, I'm Dr. Bill Ginsberg,
01:21:30founder of A Beautiful.
01:21:32Our state-of-the-art
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01:21:49caterpillar
01:21:50into a butterfly.
01:21:52Dr. Ginsberg turned
01:21:53my Grand Canyon
01:21:55into Le Petit Canyon
01:21:57and forever changed my life.
01:22:00In fact,
01:22:01I was such a satisfied client
01:22:03that I became one of the doctors here.
01:22:07And my wife.
01:22:10Gift yourself the vag that you deserve.
01:22:13Don't let your labia interfere with your life.
01:22:15Call now.
01:22:16855-VAG-4U.
01:22:19Oh, sweet love.
01:22:24There was peace and harmony.
01:22:28Oh, sweet love.
01:22:31Yeah, yeah.
01:22:32Peace and harmony.
01:22:34I had a dream.
01:22:37I had a dream.
01:22:39Not a dream for myself,
01:22:41but for all that you can.
01:22:43I had a dream.
01:22:46I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel all together.
01:22:50And there's
01:22:51Oh, sweet love.
01:22:54Oh, peace and harmony.
01:22:57Oh, sweet love.
01:22:59Oh, sweet love.
01:23:01Yeah, yeah.
01:23:02Peace and harmony.
01:23:05Oh.
01:23:07Jews and Asians
01:23:08walking hand in hand.
01:23:11Smoking sixes
01:23:12with a Jewish man.
01:23:14Even Moses
01:23:16got a land of hand.
01:23:17I'm thinking love
01:23:19to love
01:23:20I had a dream
01:23:23Where I saw every Jew
01:23:26Paying me till you're free
01:23:28I had a dream
01:23:31Where I saw every Gentile
01:23:34And bringing up the side
01:23:35There was
01:23:36Oh, sweet love
01:23:38There was
01:23:40Peace and harmony
01:23:42I want to tell you about it
01:23:43Oh, sweet love
01:23:46Yeah, yeah.
01:23:47Peace and harmony
01:23:49All together
01:23:50Oh, sweet love
01:23:53Oh, sweet love
01:23:54Peace and harmony
01:23:57Oh, sweet love
01:24:01Yeah, yeah.
01:24:02Peace and harmony
01:24:04Oh, sweet love
01:24:09Peace and harmony
01:24:12Oh, sweet love
01:24:14Oh, sweet love
01:24:16Peace and harmony
01:24:17Peace and harmony
01:24:18Oh, sweet love
01:24:19Peace and harmony
01:24:19Peace and harmony
01:24:22I haven'tetus
01:24:23Nooo
01:24:36You're a really nice
01:24:37I know
01:24:38I know
01:24:40I know
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