The Wedding Twist _ COMEDY _ Full Movie in English

Filmyzilla

one-of-a-kind love story about a young man who pretends to be Jewish in order to find the perfect wife.

Transcript

00:00:00Music

00:00:09Music

00:00:11Jacob climbed the ladder

00:00:13Climbed it to the sky

00:00:17Said, people, what's the matter?

00:00:23Heaven ain't so high

00:00:25People, heaven ain't so high

00:00:30When you got to see

00:00:33You got to see

00:00:35You got to see

00:00:37You got to see

00:00:39You got to see

00:00:41You got to see

00:00:42Your love in my hand

00:00:45Little children

00:00:46You got to see

00:00:48You got to see

00:00:52You got to see

00:00:54You got to see

00:00:56You got to see

00:00:57The Israelites, they wandered

00:01:05In the desert

00:01:07Forty years

00:01:09And old Moses

00:01:11Told the children

00:01:13Brush away them tears

00:01:17Hey kids, this ain't no time for tears

00:01:21Children, you got to share

00:01:25You got to share

00:01:29You got to share

00:01:33You got to share

00:01:34Little children

00:01:38You got to share

00:01:40You got to share

00:01:44You got to share

00:01:48She'll roll in her hand

00:01:52David, he fought Goliath

00:01:57With nothing but a tiny stone

00:02:01David, little David

00:02:05God knows you're not alone

00:02:09God knows you're not alone

00:02:12David, you got to see

00:02:16You got to see

00:02:18You got to see

00:02:20You got to see

00:02:24You got to see

00:02:25You got to see

00:02:26You got to see

00:02:27You got to see

00:02:28You got to see

00:02:41My name is Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell

00:02:47And between the ages of 8 and 17 years old

00:02:50Good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times

00:02:54Class, please welcome G.I. Joe

00:02:59From Wichita to Berlin, nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid

00:03:04I think G.I. Joe is cool

00:03:07Thanks

00:03:10There are a lot of different reasons why people become friends

00:03:14Because you have a lot in common

00:03:15Or maybe because you want something

00:03:17Or because no one else will be your friend

00:03:20And that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz

00:03:24How rude of me

00:03:26Wawa

00:03:28We were complete opposites

00:03:31But we became best friends

00:03:33My first dinner with the Lipschitzes

00:03:37One word

00:03:39Why couldn't we have gone to China Palace?

00:03:42Jews

00:03:42Jenny, we've discussed this

00:03:44Your cholesterol's 272

00:03:45Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack by the time you're 50?

00:03:47No, but

00:03:48Besides, I heard that they cook with D.O.G.

00:03:54Adam's mom took control of her men

00:03:57Now you're right, Arlene

00:03:59You're always right

00:04:00The baby just kicked

00:04:01I love you

00:04:02I love you

00:04:02Well, I love you more

00:04:03No, I love you more

00:04:04You just wait till later

00:04:05Oh, is that a threat or a promise?

00:04:07It kind of freaked me out at first

00:04:09But I learned to love it

00:04:13Hi, my name's Suyan

00:04:15You ready to order?

00:04:18Stop staring at her, Adam

00:04:19That is rude

00:04:21You cute

00:04:23You stare all you right, little man

00:04:25You are not

00:04:26And you will never be

00:04:27Her little man

00:04:29I never realized how different growing up Jewish was

00:04:33Where's my burger?

00:04:36Batsy

00:04:36Until I hung out with the O'Connells

00:04:39I'm coming

00:04:40I'm sorry, the tots were frozen

00:04:42And I had to wait for them to defrost

00:04:45And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce?

00:04:50Huh?

00:04:50One word?

00:04:52Gentiles

00:04:52Oh, I got distracted waiting for my tots

00:04:55I'll go get it, don't you need a wrench

00:04:57And he sees Chandler

00:04:59And the throw

00:05:00It's up

00:05:00It's the underage

00:05:01Touchdown!

00:05:05What the hell?

00:05:06That's a touchdown!

00:05:08Tell you one thing

00:05:09There's nobody who called a better game than Kosell

00:05:12A boy did he have in

00:05:15One heck of a beak

00:05:16Jew beak

00:05:19The Kalman states that the first 12 years of a Jewish man's life

00:05:27All lead up to the moment where he must transform himself from a boy to a man

00:05:33Adam mints lipschitz

00:05:34That moment has arrived

00:05:36I'd never been to any Jew-Ey type of thing

00:05:39Until Adam's Bar Mitzvah

00:05:42Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaoc ...

00:05:51Chou18m

00:05:57I'm not ready to be a man.

00:05:59I'm not ready to be a man.

00:06:00I'm not ready to be a man.

00:06:02I'm not ready.

00:06:03I'm not ready.

00:06:05I'm not ready to be a man.

00:06:06And your fault?

00:06:08I'm not ready.

00:06:10What the hell was that?

00:06:12We're Mrs. Rock!

00:06:15Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.

00:06:18Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.

00:06:20My mom told me that if your hand touches poo, you can get psoriasis.

00:06:25Yeah, whatever. Launch sequence activated.

00:06:28Three, two, one, commence fire!

00:06:33Mission important, mission important!

00:06:35It might look like I'm having a seizure. I'm not.

00:06:38This is a panic attack. It's hereditary.

00:06:40Get off, lip shits, get off!

00:06:41I can't, Chris.

00:06:43Go out without me.

00:06:44No! Get off!

00:06:49Do either of you know what time it is?

00:06:533.07 a.m., sir.

00:06:54And what do I like to do at 3.07 a.m.?

00:06:58Sleep, sir.

00:06:59Apparently the two of you don't.

00:07:02You two would rather be launching bags of feces?

00:07:07I need to work with you in private.

00:07:09Feces.

00:07:12Feces.

00:07:14In here.

00:07:16You see, my son would have executed like a real marine

00:07:20if it hadn't been for private lip shits

00:07:23who had a brain fart.

00:07:26He screwed up the entire operation.

00:07:28Now, what the heck?

00:07:29Kind of a weird s*** is that?

00:07:31It's a pomo machine.

00:07:33English!

00:07:34It's for his asthma!

00:07:35So your boy, he's got a fake disease?

00:07:39I bet you make him wear a seatbelt, too.

00:07:41How is your boy still alive?

00:07:43Seriously, how?

00:07:45All I can say is I thank God and Uncle Sam

00:07:49that I have been re-stationed.

00:07:54Schmuck.

00:07:55Come on, Christian.

00:07:56Let's move.

00:07:56Come on!

00:07:57Where are we moving to, Dad?

00:07:59Camp BlueJeans, South Carolina.

00:08:02But I don't want to move again, Dad.

00:08:03I like it here.

00:08:04You like it here.

00:08:05You're going to love it there.

00:08:06Adam's the best friend I've ever had.

00:08:08Come on, Chris.

00:08:09Chris is the best friend that I've ever...

00:08:10Move.

00:08:12Adam and I lost touch.

00:08:18He was the only Jew I ever knew.

00:08:21But then, college.

00:08:24Could you maybe not mix the potassium,

00:08:25permanganate, and glycerol?

00:08:27I prefer to not explode before graduation.

00:08:30Here.

00:08:32Use the hydrazine.

00:08:33Thanks.

00:08:33Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zahada Ogin.

00:08:38You know, man, you have really good chemistry.

00:08:41And just like that, all of my decisions went away.

00:08:46Oh, I'm going to have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.

00:08:48No, you won't.

00:08:50I didn't have to decide what to eat.

00:08:51Surprise?

00:08:53What?

00:08:54I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.

00:08:56Oh.

00:08:57And I definitely didn't decide who my friends were going to be.

00:09:00I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris's GPA has dropped over the past two quarters, so he will no longer be hosting poker nights.

00:09:08This is Vance Van Vanderson.

00:09:11I'm coming to you live from the University of Colorado graduation.

00:09:13Yay!

00:09:15I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-head.

00:09:18Her name is Rebecca Ogin.

00:09:19Say hi for the audience, Rebecca.

00:09:21Hi.

00:09:23Wow.

00:09:24Now, Rebecca has just informed me that she is not wearing anything underneath her graduation gown.

00:09:28Is that true, Rebecca?

00:09:29That is true, Vance.

00:09:31And I dare you to get a close-up.

00:09:38Get out.

00:09:41No, it's so beautiful.

00:09:42I found this beautiful little pink box.

00:09:45You're disgusting.

00:09:46No, look, really.

00:09:51Marry me, Rebecca.

00:09:52Uh, Christian, look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together, but we're entering the real world now, and in the real world, this can't work.

00:10:07Why not?

00:10:09Because you're not Jewish.

00:10:14Wait, what are you saying?

00:10:17It's over, Christian.

00:10:22And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber, still crying over his college girlfriend.

00:10:28I miss Beck Beck.

00:10:29Okay, I located valve one.

00:10:3270 pounds of pressure rising.

00:10:34Over.

00:10:34Okay, located the septic tank.

00:10:38Looking at 85 bars and rising.

00:10:41Over.

00:10:42Are you there, boss?

00:10:43Over.

00:10:44Yeah, guys, I'm here.

00:10:45Sorry, sorry.

00:10:46And did you find the gas line?

00:10:48Yeah, got it.

00:10:49And the septic shuttle flight?

00:10:50Got it, too.

00:10:51Okay, boss.

00:10:52We're going to shut them both down, okay?

00:10:54Tres, dos, shut up!

00:11:00Guys, I'm really sorry.

00:11:01I don't know what happened.

00:11:02I must have spaced out.

00:11:03It's cool, boss.

00:11:04No worries.

00:11:06I space out, too, sometimes.

00:11:08Uh-huh.

00:11:08But if it was my responsibility to turn off the gas and sewer lines to protect the lives of my loyal, hard-working, underpaid employees next to a leaking septic tank with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,

00:11:21I would not f***ing spits out!

00:11:23Sir, what did you say I spaced out?

00:11:25Ay, madre de Dios!

00:11:26What is that?

00:11:27What is that?

00:11:28What?

00:11:29What is that?

00:11:30What?

00:11:31Of course!

00:11:32What was I thinking coming to work with you today?

00:11:35It's May 25th!

00:11:36Are you Cinco de Mayo?

00:11:37No, pendejo!

00:11:38May 25th is the day that this chica, Rebecca, dumped them nine years ago!

00:11:42Wasn't that the day last year where boss fixed the toilet in the men's room?

00:11:46I accidentally hooked it up to the hot water.

00:11:50Boiling toilet day!

00:11:51Boss!

00:11:52I love that day, man!

00:11:53I went to pick a crap and the toilet exploded!

00:11:55I still have porcelain in my a**!

00:11:58Look, boss, me and Juan, okay, we love you, okay?

00:12:01But we are getting tired of risking our life for this a**!

00:12:05Look, just do us both a favor.

00:12:07Go out there and find yourself another a** and move on with your life, a**!

00:12:10Get on your life, you a**!

00:12:12I already say that!

00:12:14Boss, can I go to the bathroom?

00:12:16Mm-hmm.

00:12:19Have you ever dreamed of having your nickname embroidered on your favorite undies?

00:12:27What about your gang name on your baseball cap?

00:12:30Mark 40!

00:12:31Mmm, manatee, uh-huh!

00:12:33Goldie Tooth!

00:12:37Then, come on down to the embroidery palace!

00:12:39Where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years!

00:12:44No booty too big!

00:12:46No booty too small!

00:12:48Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all!

00:12:54What the hell?!

00:12:55Oh, damn it!

00:12:56Sorry, I told her not to call again!

00:12:58Could you be any more p*****y whipped for you?!

00:13:01Yeah, what now?

00:13:03And here I am, stuck working for the family business and engaged to Hannah Daniels.

00:13:07This is her thirteenth call.

00:13:09Yes, I'm available after three tomorrow.

00:13:11Why?

00:13:12What?

00:13:13No!

00:13:14Why would we have a preschool interview?

00:13:16That doesn't make any sense!

00:13:17You're not even pregnant yet!

00:13:18No, Hannah, it's smart to interview you now.

00:13:19It's very hard to get into a good preschool.

00:13:21This commercial is costing me an a**load!

00:13:23Get off the phone!

00:13:24Okay, I gotta go.

00:13:25I gotta go.

00:13:26Yes, I love you.

00:13:27Bye.

00:13:29What is that?

00:13:30What?

00:13:31You have a massive blackhead on your forehead.

00:13:32Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?

00:13:34Ew!

00:13:35Do you want people to change the channel during our commercial?

00:13:38Would you prefer our family go broke?

00:13:40Oh, Mom, no!

00:13:41Come on, Mom!

00:13:42Oh, no, stop moving, Dennis.

00:13:43Give me my safety pin.

00:13:44No, not the safety pin!

00:13:45Come on!

00:13:46It's five o'clock.

00:13:47I have to go meet Brianna.

00:13:48Well, Brianna's just gonna have to wait.

00:13:49Hold his head.

00:13:50Well, you know what?

00:13:51If my brother wasn't such a douche and his psycho fiancé wasn't calling him every two minutes...

00:13:54She is not a psycho.

00:13:55This is the best thing that ever happened to your brother.

00:13:57I'm not a douche!

00:13:58Ow!

00:13:59I got it!

00:14:00I got it!

00:14:02What the hell?

00:14:05Excuse me!

00:14:07Excuse me!

00:14:10What's...

00:14:11What's going on here?

00:14:13Hannah!

00:14:15Hannah!

00:14:18Oh, me!

00:14:19A jackhammer?

00:14:20Come on!

00:14:21Hannah!

00:14:22Not a bother at all, Mrs. Neiman.

00:14:24You can always call me at home when there's a problem.

00:14:26Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist by CityQuest three years in a row?

00:14:30Just remember, no matter how much it might itch, I don't want you to scratch it.

00:14:34Okay, bye.

00:14:37Oh, hey!

00:14:38I didn't even hear you sneak in.

00:14:39Oh, probably because of the jackhammer that's outside.

00:14:42How'd the rest of the commercial shoot go?

00:14:44Fine.

00:14:45What the hell is going on around here?

00:14:46They're starting construction in the baby's room.

00:14:48Isn't it exciting?

00:14:49Honey, I know that you want to have a baby so bad, and so do I.

00:14:53In the future.

00:14:54But there is no baby to build a room for yet.

00:14:58There's not even...

00:14:59Not even a fetus to build a room for yet.

00:15:01But it can take up to 18 months to complete construction on the Series 6 BPBC.

00:15:06I'm sorry, BPBC?

00:15:10Baby protection bedchamber.

00:15:12Oh, God.

00:15:13You enter here through the antibacterial wash chamber to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.

00:15:18Once inside, you'll be surrounded by fire retardant jungle book wallpaper.

00:15:22A six inch thick bullet and germ proof baby encasement unit.

00:15:2524 hour closed circuit video surveillance.

00:15:27Life size parental control reinforcements.

00:15:29Anthrax detector, radon detector, carbon monoxide detector, smoke detector, and faulty detector detector.

00:15:35And a panic room.

00:15:37And what is this?

00:15:38For an extra 30 grand, they can install an underground escape tunnel just in case a panic room gets overrun by terrorists.

00:15:43Terrorists.

00:15:44Terrorists.

00:15:45Terrorists.

00:15:46Well, thank God that's optional.

00:15:49Oh, I'll be exercising that option.

00:15:51We're really going together.

00:15:55If you know what I mean.

00:15:58We're two up.

00:16:02A queen.

00:16:04And then it hit me harder than Dale Earnhardt hitting that wall.

00:16:17Rest in peace.

00:16:18The guys were right.

00:16:19I needed to find another puta.

00:16:21A Jewish puta.

00:16:23How you doing?

00:16:25Hey, I'm Christian.

00:16:28Christian hey you remember when Cheney shotgun that old guy in the face back in

00:16:3506 and that felt bad for him didn't you hey so you've been a Jew your whole

00:16:40life yeah a lot of hot hey am I right oh no bad bad bad bad bad that's a very

00:16:56nice get up where did you get that stuff thanks I'm glad you're having a good time

00:16:59it's mine you like it it's hysterical I'm really glad to see that you have a sense

00:17:06of humor about the whole thing oh thanks so how did it go in there that I don't

00:17:12think the girls around here like a guy like me well that's crazy I mean what

00:17:16girl here wouldn't be interested in a really cute Jewish guy with a whacked out

00:17:19sense of humor so you you come to these things often only the ones that my

00:17:24mother organizes yeah and if I didn't show up I would never hear the end of

00:17:30it you know how that is yeah I know how that is you should take my number for

00:17:37what to call me okay yeah okay five missed calls I never even heard the phone ring

00:17:45who's your provider pin mobile well that's your problem right there pin

00:17:49mobile has least amount of coverage in LA County and the most drop calls of any

00:17:52network you should switch to AT&T nation 900 with unlimited mobile to mobile

00:17:57thanks Allison Allison marks you are

00:18:04Rosenberg of the Rosenberg man you do not look Jewish really I you know I have

00:18:14gotten that I'm gonna head back in okay

00:18:19are you fucking local boss you know Joe I know I'm not a Jewish she's just like Rebecca I do

00:18:24I don't know why I said it it just came out all right well maybe you should just tell her the truth no I'm not going to tell her the truth I'm not going to tell her the truth because then she's never going to date me I'm just going to keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out

00:18:31I don't care how big her tits are but I mean they're pretty good are you a stupid just because you say you're a Jew does not make

00:18:36you know Joe I know I'm not a Jewish she's just like Rebecca I don't know why I said it it just came out all right well maybe you should just tell her the truth no I'm not going to tell her the truth I'm not going to tell her the truth because then she's never going to date me I'm just going to keep telling her I'm a Jew and hope she doesn't find out

00:18:52come on I don't care how big her tits are but I mean they're pretty good are you a stupid just because you say you're a Jew does not make you wild no look she's going to find out I don't know what I was thinking

00:19:03hey you know boss Jesus was a Jew why don't you just tell her you're Jesus

00:19:10what

00:19:12and nada

00:19:13where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years

00:19:21Adam Lipschitz this had to be a song

00:19:25no booty too big no booty too small because here at embroidery palace we embroider it all

00:19:34a Jewish sign

00:19:36all right

00:19:38I want everybody to close your eyes and forget everything you think you know about embroidery

00:19:47because starting next Tuesday the embroidery palace will be in possession of this bad boy

00:19:54behold the modern evolution 3070

00:19:59okay

00:20:02on to the next piece of business

00:20:05which is our monthly corporate account review

00:20:08Jillybean

00:20:09can you pass out the account review books please

00:20:11now as you all know

00:20:14the handlebar coffee company

00:20:16has been our largest corporate client

00:20:19for the past 10 years

00:20:20they notified me this morning

00:20:24that from this day forward

00:20:26they will be taking their business elsewhere

00:20:28due to this

00:20:30Adam

00:20:32do you have any idea how this could have happened

00:20:35what's up dad

00:20:36Adam

00:20:38oh god

00:20:42I can't believe

00:20:44that I did that

00:20:45but I'm under a lot of pressure

00:20:47with this whole wedding thing

00:20:48I got Hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow

00:20:51it's

00:20:51I must have forgotten to double check the sample

00:20:54you should fire the prince dad

00:20:56oh

00:20:57I'd like to chop off the prince's head

00:20:59but then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne

00:21:02paging prince Adam

00:21:04there's a Mr. Christian O'Connell here to see you

00:21:06Mr. Christian O'Connell

00:21:09wait wait wait wait

00:21:10come back here

00:21:11what's the big deal

00:21:12what's the big deal

00:21:13yeah

00:21:14you tell some girl your name is Avi Rosenberg

00:21:16and now you show up after 17 years

00:21:19so that I can teach you how to be a Jew

00:21:21so you can duper

00:21:22have you lost your mind

00:21:23listen I've been dumped by a Jew before

00:21:25I'm not letting it happen again

00:21:26it's not pretty man

00:21:27alright why me

00:21:28because other than Rebecca Ogin

00:21:29you're the only Jew I know

00:21:30now come on man

00:21:31I need you

00:21:32you gotta teach me how to pass myself off

00:21:34as one of you guys

00:21:34well why do you want to marry a Jew so badly

00:21:37because I never want to make another decision

00:21:39for as long as I live

00:21:40wow

00:21:40that's mildly offensive

00:21:42you know that

00:21:43yes

00:21:44but true

00:21:45okay

00:21:45I got it

00:21:46tell her the truth

00:21:48and then convert for her

00:21:49no

00:21:49no no no no

00:21:50no listen to me

00:21:51Alison Marks is not going to settle for imitation Jew

00:21:53she can have the real deal

00:21:54now come on Adam

00:21:55just help me

00:21:56I'm sorry

00:21:56did you say her name was Alison Marks

00:21:58yeah Alison Marks

00:21:59why

00:22:00I went to Sunday school with Alison Marks

00:22:02okay

00:22:04did

00:22:05did she tell you what her family did

00:22:07her family

00:22:08her mother

00:22:09organized the mixer

00:22:10wait a minute

00:22:11wait a minute

00:22:11you know them don't you

00:22:13do you know them

00:22:13yeah you could say that

00:22:15what

00:22:16oh

00:22:17oh I know

00:22:18I know

00:22:18but listen

00:22:19listen

00:22:19Chris this is

00:22:20you know

00:22:21this is great

00:22:23seeing you again

00:22:23and I love that you

00:22:25you know

00:22:25are seeing what I'm doing here

00:22:27but I got a lot of

00:22:28going on right now

00:22:29and my sort of

00:22:30my world's

00:22:31flipped upside down

00:22:33with the

00:22:33wedding

00:22:34and we're looking for

00:22:35preschools

00:22:36building a safe room

00:22:37for the baby

00:22:38wait a minute

00:22:39you didn't tell me you had a baby

00:22:40yeah

00:22:41I don't

00:22:42oh

00:22:42it's complicated

00:22:43sounds it

00:22:44Chris I don't think I'm the guy

00:22:46for this adventure

00:22:47okay

00:22:49I understand

00:22:52yeah

00:22:52well um

00:22:54you know

00:22:54for whatever it's worth

00:22:55I'm glad I tracked you down

00:22:56no it's great to see you

00:22:58so maybe we'll

00:22:59we'll do some lunch

00:22:59we'll catch up

00:23:00I would love to do some lunch

00:23:02yeah

00:23:02I'm gonna be up

00:23:03at my parents ranch

00:23:04for the weekend

00:23:04so but here's my business card

00:23:06oh thanks

00:23:06I don't have a

00:23:07maybe we'll get a

00:23:08well here

00:23:08coffee

00:23:09take this

00:23:10embroidery palace

00:23:11it's nice yellow

00:23:12yeah

00:23:14awesome

00:23:15don't take this

00:23:21the wrong way Hannah

00:23:22but what led you to diagnose it

00:23:23as vaginitis

00:23:24well dad

00:23:25she was experiencing

00:23:26itching

00:23:26irritation

00:23:27abnormal discharge

00:23:28and pain during intercourse

00:23:29all the basic symptoms

00:23:30yes those are the basic symptoms

00:23:31of vaginitis

00:23:32but did you also take into consideration

00:23:33they could indicate

00:23:35vulvitus

00:23:35yes dad

00:23:36but I ruled out vulvitus

00:23:37because her vulva was not inflamed

00:23:39no need to get defensive sweetie

00:23:40you're probably right

00:23:40with your diagnosis

00:23:41it's just that when I was

00:23:42a young gynecologist

00:23:43I once diagnosed a patient

00:23:44with vaginitis

00:23:45when they had vulvitus

00:23:46you know what

00:23:47it might have even been

00:23:48bacterial vaginosis

00:23:49it was not bacterial vaginosis

00:23:51because there was no great discharge

00:23:52with my 25 years of practice

00:23:54I have seen many cases of vaginosis

00:23:56with no great discharge

00:23:57would you back me up

00:23:58on that Bruce please

00:23:58your mother's right sweetie

00:23:59we've been doing this

00:24:00a few more years than you

00:24:01and sometimes even we can't

00:24:02distinguish between

00:24:03vaginosis

00:24:04vaginitis

00:24:05or vulvitus

00:24:05lots honey

00:24:06cottage cheese

00:24:06okay excuse me

00:24:09I'm just gonna

00:24:09use the bathroom

00:24:11I'll be back

00:24:12hold it

00:24:22I bet

00:24:23why don't you

00:24:25and the ladies

00:24:26hand out some eggnog

00:24:28all right

00:24:29thanks mom

00:24:31why is it that you

00:24:40haven't found yourself

00:24:40a good woman yet

00:24:41huh

00:24:42someone take care of you

00:24:43serve your nog

00:24:44maybe it's because

00:24:45Christian's a homosexual

00:24:46all right

00:24:47you stop bullying your brother

00:24:49he will find himself

00:24:50a girl

00:24:51that's right

00:24:52or whatever

00:24:53when he's good and ready

00:24:54well I'm ready to bag me

00:24:55a ten pointer

00:24:56and I'm gonna skin him

00:24:57gut him

00:24:58and pull out his rectum

00:24:59hell you are

00:25:00I'm pulling out

00:25:01the rectum ass

00:25:02tar

00:25:02what do you know

00:25:03about pulling out

00:25:03a rectum

00:25:04he always pulls out

00:25:05the rectum

00:25:05only that you make

00:25:06a circular incision

00:25:07Clayton

00:25:08Chuck

00:25:08over here now

00:25:09hurry up

00:25:10there's some rectum

00:25:11over there

00:25:11you two

00:25:12take a knee

00:25:13why do you always

00:25:14have to fight over

00:25:15who's gonna pull

00:25:17the rectum

00:25:18you know

00:25:19that's not what

00:25:20hunting is all about

00:25:21hunting is about

00:25:23the family

00:25:24it's about teamwork

00:25:25it's about

00:25:26finding peace

00:25:28hello

00:25:30that night

00:25:31when we were

00:25:31TPing Tim Baker's

00:25:32house and I had

00:25:33one of my attacks

00:25:34and I tripped

00:25:34and fell

00:25:35you could have

00:25:36left me there

00:25:37and saved yourself

00:25:39so rude

00:25:41okay

00:25:41one

00:25:42one second

00:25:42just

00:25:43but you didn't

00:25:45because you were

00:25:46my best friend

00:25:47and best friends

00:25:49are always there

00:25:50for each other

00:25:51move

00:25:52fuck yeah

00:25:55beauty ain't he

00:25:57spent the extra

00:25:58grand for the glass

00:25:59size but they threw

00:26:00in the matte finish

00:26:00horn sheeting package

00:26:01do you like where

00:26:04I put him

00:26:05because I was

00:26:06thinking maybe

00:26:06I mean I could

00:26:07put him between

00:26:07the bass and

00:26:08the boar's ass

00:26:09the plan was to

00:26:10remove all traces

00:26:11of gentile from

00:26:12Chris

00:26:12which turned out

00:26:14to be a very big

00:26:15task

00:26:16I don't get why

00:26:17I have to sell

00:26:17my truck

00:26:18because vulvos

00:26:19are practical

00:26:20and they're safe

00:26:21and Jewish girls

00:26:21love them

00:26:22but I'm never

00:26:23gonna be able to

00:26:23fit my kill

00:26:24into a vulvo

00:26:25and that's why

00:26:25you're selling

00:26:26the moose head

00:26:26alright 200 it is

00:26:28deal

00:26:28alright

00:26:29take that with you

00:26:31there no

00:26:32let him take it

00:26:32Chris let him

00:26:33take it

00:26:34I'm giving it to him

00:26:35no you're not

00:26:35you're holding on to it

00:26:36I pulled a rectum

00:26:38out of that

00:26:38alright

00:26:39that's inappropriate

00:26:40no

00:26:41stop it

00:26:42so uh

00:26:45you think I'm gonna

00:26:46be ready for tomorrow

00:26:47right out

00:26:47just do what I said

00:26:49and you'll be fine

00:26:50tell me again

00:26:50why I'm doing this

00:26:51because the law

00:26:52states that you

00:26:53can't be buried

00:26:53in a Jewish cemetery

00:26:54if you've desecrated

00:26:55your body

00:26:55with tattoos

00:26:56markings or piercing

00:26:57well that's stupid

00:26:58you're dead already

00:26:59who cares

00:26:59well it doesn't matter

00:27:00it's the law

00:27:00have you been

00:27:01taken care of

00:27:01down there

00:27:02down where

00:27:03have you been

00:27:04circumcised

00:27:05sorry

00:27:05no

00:27:06are you kidding me

00:27:07my family's not

00:27:08into the whole

00:27:08choppy birth thing

00:27:09besides it's not

00:27:10that noticeable

00:27:10no it is noticeable

00:27:12mine looks normal

00:27:13and yours looks

00:27:13like an anteater

00:27:15like this

00:27:16do you want that

00:27:16in your face

00:27:17get that

00:27:18here man

00:27:19sorry

00:27:20sorry

00:27:21if chris was

00:27:23going to stand

00:27:23a chance

00:27:23with allison

00:27:24he needed

00:27:24a crash course

00:27:25in the way

00:27:26of the jew

00:27:26now I'm your date

00:27:28and I need you

00:27:29to give me

00:27:29seven Yiddish words

00:27:30that you will

00:27:30casually slip

00:27:31into the conversation

00:27:32go

00:27:33go ahead

00:27:34the second the waiter

00:27:36approaches

00:27:36what do you do

00:27:38oh uh

00:27:40I'm feeling

00:27:41a bit of a draft

00:27:42would it be alright

00:27:42if we move

00:27:43to another table

00:27:43schvitz

00:27:44good now

00:27:45you've been relocated

00:27:46to the new table

00:27:47and what do you

00:27:49do

00:27:50oh

00:27:51could you please

00:27:52turn down that

00:27:53loud music

00:27:54kvetch

00:27:54alright

00:27:55now we're on

00:27:55to the ordering

00:27:56process

00:27:57now you have

00:27:57to remember

00:27:58that as a jew

00:27:59you have to

00:27:59take something

00:28:00on the menu

00:28:01and alter it

00:28:02beyond all

00:28:03recognition

00:28:04alright

00:28:05ok

00:28:06practice

00:28:07would it be

00:28:07too much trouble

00:28:08to change

00:28:09that side salad

00:28:10to an entree

00:28:11and

00:28:12would you mind

00:28:12throwing a little

00:28:13salmon in there

00:28:14nosh

00:28:15uh can I have

00:28:17that on the side

00:28:18pop it

00:28:18dinner comes

00:28:20the salad is

00:28:20exactly how

00:28:21you ordered it

00:28:22right

00:28:23right

00:28:23take one bite

00:28:24and you

00:28:26send it back

00:28:28yes you send

00:28:28that shit back

00:28:29we never eat

00:28:31what we order

00:28:31ever

00:28:32ever

00:28:33ever

00:28:33you ready

00:28:34I think so

00:28:35you remember everything

00:28:35I don't know

00:28:36let's let's take

00:28:37a walk with it

00:28:38then huh

00:28:38hi

00:28:42hi

00:28:43nice Volvo

00:28:44thanks

00:28:45just got it

00:28:46oh I got mine

00:28:47last year

00:28:47you know what

00:28:48Volvo's are the

00:28:49safest cars in the

00:28:49world and they

00:28:50last forever

00:28:50yeah

00:28:51no NASCAR get up

00:28:52tonight

00:28:52NASCAR why

00:28:54oh yeah

00:28:55no uh yeah

00:28:56I was gonna wear

00:28:57it tonight

00:28:57but uh

00:28:58the dry cleaner

00:28:59has it

00:28:59so

00:29:00so where you

00:29:01taking me

00:29:01well I thought

00:29:02because I didn't

00:29:03know what you

00:29:04were thinking

00:29:04so I made

00:29:05reservations

00:29:05for 7 o'clock

00:29:06near First and Hope

00:29:07it's near the

00:29:08music hall

00:29:08yeah

00:29:10and I don't

00:29:10know if you

00:29:11like jazz

00:29:11but Smokey Joe

00:29:12Jefferson is playing

00:29:13at the fedora

00:29:13tonight so I

00:29:14got his tickets

00:29:14that sounds

00:29:16great

00:29:17well the music

00:29:17hall is on

00:29:18Grand and

00:29:18Figueroa and I

00:29:19checked traffic

00:29:20the 101 is closed

00:29:21between Barham and

00:29:21Highland so you're

00:29:22probably gonna want

00:29:23to take that one to

00:29:24La Cienega to the

00:29:2410 to the 110 north

00:29:25and then get off on

00:29:26Figueroa put on

00:29:27your seatbelt

00:29:28so after I graduated

00:29:31from Penn

00:29:32I traveled everywhere

00:29:33started with

00:29:34Southeast Asia

00:29:35went through Thailand

00:29:36Cambodia

00:29:36Burma

00:29:37I even lived in

00:29:38India for a month

00:29:39with the Untouchables

00:29:40oh I love that movie

00:29:42Sean Connery

00:29:44Sean Connery

00:29:45is great in it

00:29:46so then after I

00:29:50volunteered as an

00:29:51AIDS relief worker

00:29:51in the Sudan

00:29:52I just felt like

00:29:53I needed to use

00:29:54my finance degree

00:29:54to help people

00:29:55in third world

00:29:55countries relieve

00:29:56their debt

00:29:57so that's how

00:29:58I started working

00:29:59for the IDRF

00:30:00wow

00:30:00and what about

00:30:01you Avi

00:30:02what's it like

00:30:03to be a doctor

00:30:04oh uh

00:30:06well

00:30:06yeah the hours

00:30:10are crazy

00:30:10and I'm on call

00:30:1224-7 for emergencies

00:30:13and you know

00:30:15unfortunately

00:30:15you have to

00:30:16deal with a lot

00:30:17of crap

00:30:19but at the end

00:30:21of the day

00:30:21like you

00:30:22I love helping

00:30:23people

00:30:23when their plumbing

00:30:24gets backed up

00:30:25bonjour

00:30:30my name is Claude

00:30:31I will be your

00:30:33seller this evening

00:30:34ah yes

00:30:35Claude

00:30:35I'm feeling a bit

00:30:36of a draft

00:30:37here

00:30:37do you mind

00:30:38if we move

00:30:39to another table

00:30:39hmm

00:30:40oof

00:30:43Claude

00:30:50would you mind

00:30:50turning down

00:30:51the loud music

00:30:52and turning up

00:30:54the lights

00:30:54it's so dark

00:30:55in here

00:30:55I don't think

00:30:56I'd be able

00:30:56to read the menu

00:30:57it would be my pleasure

00:30:58sir

00:30:59but in the meantime

00:31:00let me tell you

00:31:01about our specials

00:31:03for an appetizer

00:31:04we have a

00:31:04scrumptious salad

00:31:06with gorgonzola

00:31:07candied walnuts

00:31:08pears

00:31:08cranberries

00:31:09and a honey

00:31:10Dijon vinaigrette

00:31:12to die for

00:31:13would it be possible

00:31:15to change that

00:31:17appetizer salad

00:31:18to an entree

00:31:19and could you

00:31:20substitute

00:31:21feta for gorgonzola

00:31:23pecans instead

00:31:24of walnuts

00:31:25apples instead

00:31:26of pears

00:31:27and cranberries

00:31:28instead of raisins

00:31:29and the honey

00:31:31Dijon vinaigrette

00:31:33can you put it

00:31:36on the side

00:31:37please

00:31:37anything else

00:31:38yes

00:31:38and I hope

00:31:39this isn't

00:31:40too much trouble

00:31:40but would you mind

00:31:41throwing a little

00:31:42salmon in there

00:31:43and for madame

00:31:46that sounds

00:31:47great

00:31:47but y'all have

00:31:48the same thing

00:31:49of course

00:31:52thanks mensch

00:31:55so

00:31:57did you always

00:31:58want to be a doctor

00:31:59no

00:32:00you know

00:32:01I'm being

00:32:02being jewish

00:32:03I only had

00:32:04a few options

00:32:05become a doctor

00:32:05become a lawyer

00:32:06become a banker

00:32:08manipulate the economy

00:32:09go into publishing

00:32:10manipulate the media

00:32:11god you are

00:32:13too much

00:32:14you're so cute

00:32:16turn your head

00:32:17for a second

00:32:18did you get a nose job

00:32:20no

00:32:21are you kidding me

00:32:22that's your real nose

00:32:24that's the hottest

00:32:25little jew beak

00:32:26ever

00:32:26and

00:32:30poor mademoiselle

00:32:32mmm

00:32:33that looks good

00:32:35and

00:32:38poor monsieur

00:32:39thank you claude

00:32:41this looks really good

00:32:44no

00:32:50oh I got

00:32:51I'm sorry

00:32:52I gotta send that back

00:32:53no

00:32:53no no no

00:32:54here you go

00:32:55thanks mensch

00:32:57oh

00:32:59and did they

00:33:00turn up the heat

00:33:02in here

00:33:02or what

00:33:02I am

00:33:03starting to

00:33:04shvitz

00:33:04yeah we should

00:33:07probably

00:33:08go

00:33:08if we're gonna

00:33:09make it on time

00:33:10oh yeah

00:33:11can't wait

00:33:12I'm gonna take up

00:33:13this check here

00:33:14oh

00:33:14okay

00:33:16well let me just get

00:33:17claude over here

00:33:18for a second

00:33:18see if I can't

00:33:20jew him down

00:33:20on the check

00:33:21hey are you alright

00:33:33you seem a little

00:33:35you know quiet

00:33:36no I'm fine

00:33:37yeah

00:33:37you know

00:33:41Allison

00:33:41I um

00:33:42I mean I shouldn't

00:33:44even be saying

00:33:44this it's our first

00:33:45date

00:33:46but

00:33:47I really like you

00:33:48you know

00:33:50so if I seem

00:33:51weird or

00:33:51awkward

00:33:52that's why

00:33:55I just

00:33:56I just hope

00:33:57that this is the

00:33:58first date

00:33:58of many more

00:33:59to come

00:34:00oh damn

00:34:09damn

00:34:11nobody plays

00:34:12jazz better

00:34:13than the

00:34:13svarzas

00:34:14L'chaim

00:34:18okay

00:34:27what's taking

00:34:36so long

00:34:36sorry

00:34:37sorry

00:34:38I am all

00:34:40manscaped

00:34:41trimmed to an

00:34:42eighth of an inch

00:34:43just how you like

00:34:44it

00:34:44like a

00:34:45prepubescent boy

00:34:46down there

00:34:47it's so exciting

00:34:48oh

00:34:49okay

00:34:50love you

00:34:52good night

00:34:53you think

00:34:56it's ugly

00:34:56I think

00:34:57what's ugly

00:34:58it's okay

00:34:59it's fine

00:35:00I see a hundred

00:35:01of them a day

00:35:02I know it's ugly

00:35:03oh no

00:35:04no

00:35:05I think

00:35:05no I don't

00:35:06think

00:35:06that's ugly

00:35:07at all

00:35:07I think

00:35:08it's beautiful

00:35:10why don't you

00:35:12ever go down

00:35:13on me

00:35:13because

00:35:14I

00:35:16I can't

00:35:17get you pregnant

00:35:18like that

00:35:18I knew it

00:35:19what's wrong

00:35:20I was gonna

00:35:20make a baby

00:35:21with my mouth

00:35:21what happened

00:35:24you turned off

00:35:27the light

00:35:27I

00:35:29well it was

00:35:30bright in here

00:35:31and we were

00:35:32going to bed

00:35:33hey you've reached

00:35:34Allison Marks

00:35:35you know what to do

00:35:35so do it

00:35:36hey Allison

00:35:38it's Avi here

00:35:39I just wanted to tell you

00:35:40I had a great time

00:35:41with you last night

00:35:41and can't wait

00:35:43to do it again

00:35:43so

00:35:45you've got the number

00:35:46call me

00:35:47bye

00:35:49hey you've reached

00:35:53Allison Marks

00:35:53you know what to do

00:35:54do it

00:35:55hey Allison

00:35:56where's my

00:35:57bat

00:35:58where's my

00:35:59bat

00:35:59Avi here

00:36:01didn't hear back

00:36:02from you yesterday

00:36:03but I'm sure

00:36:04you were just busy

00:36:04me too

00:36:06long day of surgery

00:36:07at the hospital

00:36:08so

00:36:09driving home now

00:36:10thought I'd

00:36:11double up

00:36:12give you a call

00:36:13so

00:36:14you got the number

00:36:15call me back

00:36:16bye bye

00:36:18you know what to do

00:36:22so do it

00:36:23hey Allison

00:36:24it's Avi

00:36:25I don't know why

00:36:27you're not calling

00:36:28me back

00:36:28I thought we had

00:36:30a really great time

00:36:30the other night

00:36:31and you know

00:36:33I thought we had

00:36:35a real connection

00:36:36boss

00:36:37boss

00:36:38we need your head

00:36:39me and Juan

00:36:40have been in

00:36:40Mrs. Waziski's

00:36:41all day

00:36:42boss we can't get

00:36:43this shit out of

00:36:43her vibes

00:36:44yeah see

00:36:45thank you

00:36:46doctors Juan

00:36:47and Ramon

00:36:48I will be to

00:36:49surgery in just

00:36:49a second

00:36:50boss I don't know

00:36:51what this lady ate

00:36:52but I never seen

00:36:53so much crap

00:36:54backed up in my

00:36:55life

00:36:55Avi

00:36:57Allison hi

00:36:58do you want me

00:37:00to get a restraining

00:37:01order

00:37:01stop calling

00:37:02me

00:37:03oh

00:37:08look at this

00:37:10one

00:37:10isn't it

00:37:11beautiful

00:37:12oh god

00:37:13a little warning

00:37:14please

00:37:15what is that

00:37:16a before and

00:37:16after photo

00:37:17yes

00:37:18isn't it amazing

00:37:19no

00:37:19it's hard to

00:37:20believe it's

00:37:20the same

00:37:20which one's

00:37:22your favorite

00:37:23I don't know

00:37:26you're the one

00:37:27who's gonna have

00:37:27to look at it

00:37:28for the rest of

00:37:28your life

00:37:29so come on

00:37:29pick

00:37:30oh

00:37:31do you like

00:37:32this one

00:37:33um

00:37:34maybe the

00:37:35uh

00:37:35pear blossom

00:37:38or the

00:37:39gentle tulip

00:37:42really honey

00:37:43yeah

00:37:43you like the

00:37:45pear blossom

00:37:45well that's

00:37:47the cheapest

00:37:47one

00:37:48there's nothing

00:37:50to it

00:37:50oh hold on

00:37:52hello

00:37:54all right

00:37:56relax relax

00:37:57what's going on

00:37:58you know what

00:37:59yes I can

00:38:00yes I can

00:38:01okay I'll meet

00:38:02you in 20 minutes

00:38:02all right babe

00:38:03I'm so sorry

00:38:04I have to go

00:38:06what do you mean

00:38:06you have to go

00:38:06a friend has an

00:38:07emergency and I

00:38:08gotta go meet him

00:38:09who what friend

00:38:10he's a friend from

00:38:11grade school

00:38:11I gotta go

00:38:12you can't leave

00:38:13why can't I leave

00:38:14I don't know

00:38:14which one to get

00:38:15just get one of them

00:38:17right I mean like

00:38:17it's not that big

00:38:18of a deal you know

00:38:19it's a big deal

00:38:20because it's for you

00:38:21I understand

00:38:21it's not that hard

00:38:23just go through it

00:38:24the gentle tulip

00:38:25midnight rain

00:38:25calla lily breeze

00:38:27la petite canyon

00:38:28ooh stay away

00:38:29from Venus fly trap

00:38:30that looks like a

00:38:31like a limp starfish

00:38:32and I don't want to

00:38:33be looking at that

00:38:34when I'm doing

00:38:34wonderful things to it

00:38:35I love you

00:38:36okay pick whatever

00:38:38you want

00:38:39any price kisses

00:38:40it's like my mom's

00:38:43wait wait wait

00:38:47she said stop

00:38:48calling me

00:38:49no no no

00:38:49she said if you

00:38:50call me again

00:38:51I'm gonna get a

00:38:51restraining order

00:38:52tell them to turn

00:38:54down the loud music

00:38:55and turn the lights

00:38:55up yes

00:38:56and you took

00:38:56something on the menu

00:38:57and altered it beyond

00:38:58all recognition

00:38:59I put salmon on it

00:39:00I sent it back

00:39:01Jewel

00:39:03Carla

00:39:03lap dances

00:39:04marcy marks

00:39:08president of temple

00:39:09Beth Jacob

00:39:10wife of my rabbi

00:39:11and Allison's mother

00:39:13she was also the

00:39:17principal of my

00:39:18Hebrew school

00:39:18from what I know

00:39:22no man has ever

00:39:23been good enough

00:39:24for Allison

00:39:24but if you can get

00:39:26that woman's seal

00:39:26of approval

00:39:27you might have a

00:39:28second chance

00:39:29I'll never forget

00:39:31the day I met her

00:39:32need some help

00:39:36you touch my daughter

00:39:42and I'll wear your

00:39:42balls as earrings

00:39:44All right

00:39:50there

00:39:52all right

00:39:54and I know

00:39:56where are you

00:39:58what I know

00:40:00that

00:40:04what I know

00:40:05Let's go.

00:40:35You've got to be kidding me.

00:40:50Shlomian, I don't stand a chance.

00:40:52Honey, would you grab my stuff right there?

00:40:53Yes, yes.

00:40:54Thanks.

00:40:55Now, I'm telling you, the Fleischmans are unbeatable.

00:40:59Yes, goodbye.

00:41:00Goodbye.

00:41:00Oh, honey, have you tried this caramel apple skim cappuccino?

00:41:05It is to die for.

00:41:10Fleischman.

00:41:11I want to get me one of those caramel apple skim cappuccinos.

00:41:17Mom, I'm fine.

00:41:19The earthquake was all the way in Death Valley.

00:41:20I live in Los Angeles.

00:41:22What do you mean I sound sick?

00:41:23I'm not sick.

00:41:24What do you mean I sound sick?

00:41:25I'm not sick.

00:41:26Yes, if you send me multivitamins, I will take them.

00:41:29Good, good.

00:41:30Now tell me you love me.

00:41:31Huh?

00:41:31Every time we get off the phone with each other, we have to say I love you.

00:41:36You're kidding.

00:41:36No, I'm not kidding.

00:41:38Just do it.

00:41:38I love you, Mom.

00:41:39Perfect.

00:41:40I'll call you in two minutes.

00:41:41Okay, bye.

00:41:43Sorry, that was my mom.

00:41:44Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue with the interview?

00:41:49Oh, yes, please.

00:41:51Do you like cappuccino?

00:41:52Because I was just at Handle Bar Coffee and they screwed up my order.

00:41:56I like caramel apple cappuccino.

00:41:58They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.

00:42:01Hmm.

00:42:02Sure, why not?

00:42:03Huh.

00:42:04Great.

00:42:04Okay, you are single, 31 years old, unmarried, no children.

00:42:07Are you a...

00:42:08No, no.

00:42:10Why?

00:42:10Well, then why aren't you married?

00:42:13Believe me, Mrs. Marks, there is nothing that I would like more than to find a special young

00:42:17lady who shares my values and my beliefs.

00:42:21As a matter of fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I was here at the mixer.

00:42:25I met a wonderful girl.

00:42:26We went out.

00:42:27We had a wonderful first date.

00:42:29I never heard from her again.

00:42:30Yes, well, finding that special someone is never easy, Doctor.

00:42:34Ah, and especially for me.

00:42:36I just, you know, moved here from Skokie and I'm busy with my practice, of course, and

00:42:42volunteering for Hadassah like I do.

00:42:44I'm sorry.

00:42:45Excuse me.

00:42:46Yes, Mom.

00:42:47Colonoscopy?

00:42:48Yes, I had my colonoscopy.

00:42:50Fiber.

00:42:51I do get plenty of fiber.

00:42:54Mom, I'm sorry, but I have to go, okay?

00:42:57I do.

00:42:58I love you.

00:43:00I love the way you wake up in the morning and you're just always so fresh and bubbly

00:43:03and then the sunlight comes...

00:43:04Too much!

00:43:05Too much!

00:43:06Okay, I'm going to hang up.

00:43:06Bye.

00:43:08Okay.

00:43:08Sorry, that was my mom again.

00:43:10I must say that I find this very unusual, that a young, attractive, single doctor would

00:43:15walk in here by himself wanting to join this temple.

00:43:17Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?

00:43:20Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years, the rate of interfaith marriage amongst

00:43:24our people has risen from 7 to 40 percent?

00:43:26According to the AJC, by the year 2050, our people are going to be completely wiped out.

00:43:30Now, I'm just one man, I can't stop it myself, but I'm not going to sit here on the sidelines

00:43:35and watch it happen.

00:43:36That's what's going on.

00:43:44All right, I'll be right there.

00:43:52All right, all right.

00:43:54So you're in?

00:43:55Oh, yeah, I'm in.

00:43:56She's putty.

00:43:57Still going down Saturday, right?

00:43:59That's the plan.

00:44:00You mastered duplicate bridge yet?

00:44:02And rubber.

00:44:03That shit rings.

00:44:05You guys really eat that?

00:44:06The filtefish is mandatory.

00:44:08All right, I'm going to put it in this drawer.

00:44:10Don't take it out until Saturday.

00:44:14Ugh.

00:44:17So good to see you.

00:44:18There's plenty of room over there.

00:44:21You guys, I want you to keep high score with and pay attention.

00:44:24You understand?

00:44:26Marcy.

00:44:27Avi, what a nice surprise.

00:44:31Oh, surprise?

00:44:31I'm a new member here.

00:44:32You think I'm going to miss my first Saturday morning service?

00:44:35Great to have you.

00:44:36It's a beautiful purse.

00:44:37Oh, Ari and Tony.

00:44:38Winter 2012.

00:44:40Really?

00:44:40I coveted this bag, and I got it.

00:44:44There's something about this that just...

00:44:46Wish me luck, lollipop.

00:44:48Honey, honey, you are going to need it.

00:44:50Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.

00:44:53Oi.

00:44:53This is our newest member.

00:44:54I was telling you about Avi.

00:44:56Hi, I'm Avi Rosenberg.

00:44:57Welcome to Beth Jacob, Avi.

00:44:58Thank you, Rabbi.

00:44:59Has Marcy warned you about our little p*** club?

00:45:02Oh, no.

00:45:03Uh, p*** club?

00:45:0418 years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah, dropped

00:45:10his trousers, and exposed himself to the congregation.

00:45:14That's messed up.

00:45:15Oh, it is messed up, Avi.

00:45:17What's even more messed up is that to this day, Adam's lewd act has become the rite of

00:45:21passage for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.

00:45:24In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993 who hasn't shown his p*** to the

00:45:30entire congregation.

00:45:32I've tried everything.

00:45:33They won't stop.

00:45:34I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.

00:45:38So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi, this ain't the temple for you.

00:45:43He gets excited.

00:45:45Avi, Shlomi and I are so embarrassed that on your very first Saturday morning service with

00:45:51us, you had to see genitals.

00:45:54And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple has a p*** club won't make you consider

00:46:00joining elsewhere.

00:46:01Not at all.

00:46:02Not at all.

00:46:02What was the name of the young man who started it all?

00:46:04Adam Lipschitz?

00:46:06Lipschitz.

00:46:07I hope I don't run into him, huh?

00:46:09Yes, don't we all.

00:46:09I've seen enough.

00:46:10What a freak.

00:46:11Excuse me, Rabbi?

00:46:12Would you like some fish?

00:46:14Oh, yes.

00:46:14Thank you, Hyman.

00:46:23Oi.

00:46:24Wow.

00:46:25I have to say our people have invented a lot of lousy food, but gefilte fish might be

00:46:30the worst.

00:46:34My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.

00:46:37Two bites.

00:46:39Wham, bam.

00:46:40Done.

00:46:41Ah.

00:46:48Shlomi, honey, are you all right?

00:46:49Go away!

00:46:51Damn it, Shlomo.

00:46:52I am coming in there.

00:46:53No, you don't want to see this.

00:46:54It'll change you.

00:46:55It changed me.

00:46:56I'm shitting relatives.

00:46:58Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, Cupcake, but I think I'm going to have to bow out of

00:47:02the tournament.

00:47:03No.

00:47:04No, no, no, no, no, Shlomo.

00:47:05You are not doing any such thing.

00:47:07Now, this is the finals.

00:47:08If we have to take some sort of slop bucket, then so be it.

00:47:10I'm sorry, Lollipop.

00:47:12But we'll just have to wait another year to beat those damn fleisters.

00:47:17Darn it.

00:47:17What tournament?

00:47:19What?

00:47:20Tournament?

00:47:21It is the NBLA Regionals.

00:47:23We are in the finals.

00:47:24It starts in three hours.

00:47:25But, well, I guess that I won't be going this year.

00:47:30I play bridge.

00:47:32He and God, all I do is help you.

00:47:35I want to thank all of you for taking part in what is the world's greatest sporting event,

00:47:46Duplicate Bridge.

00:47:47Stand up, feel the sun, you know your time has come, all I'm not, it's time to feel alive.

00:47:57Give me a four of diamonds.

00:47:58Give me an eight of clubs.

00:47:58The eight of clubs.

00:47:59Give me an ace of spades.

00:48:11Ace of spades.

00:48:13And what does that spell?

00:48:14Bridge to f***es!

00:48:15Bridge to f***es!

00:48:16Oh yeah!

00:48:17Oh yeah!

00:48:18Dialogue away.

00:48:19Bridge to f***es!

00:48:23Jack Trump in your face!

00:48:29We have a two-way tie.

00:48:36That means sudden death.

00:48:39Oh yeah!

00:48:40Oh yeah!

00:48:41Oh yeah!

00:48:42You've all been briefed on the rules.

00:48:44Three boards.

00:48:45Two out of three wins.

00:48:47Let's keep it clean.

00:48:50Begin!

00:48:50On your market ready, here we go, it's time to play.

00:48:55Choose a battle, battle, do a battle, walk away, bring.

00:49:03Yes!

00:49:04Rosenberg Martin's big one, nothing.

00:49:08They're freaking me out a little bit.

00:49:10Hey, just pay no attention.

00:49:11I've been playing with them for years.

00:49:12It's disturbing.

00:49:13Oh!

00:49:15Oh!

00:49:16Oh!

00:49:17Oh!

00:49:18Oh!

00:49:19I can do this, right?

00:49:24Trust me.

00:49:25You know it.

00:49:26It's over.

00:49:27Trump!

00:49:28Oh!

00:49:29What?

00:49:30Trump, baby!

00:49:31It's called Trump!

00:49:32It's called Trump!

00:49:33It's not Trump!

00:49:34You did it!

00:49:36Oh my god!

00:49:37Oh my god!

00:49:38Oh my god!

00:49:39Oh my god!

00:49:40There's big winners over here!

00:49:42Oh my god!

00:49:43We beat the flashman!

00:49:44I beat the flashman!

00:49:45We beat the flashman!

00:49:46We beat you!

00:49:47You!

00:49:48No!

00:49:49Oh, you are amazing.

00:49:54We did it.

00:49:56Yeah.

00:49:56What's going on, Chris?

00:49:57Oh, honey.

00:49:57Honey, did you see us?

00:50:03Allison.

00:50:04Avi, what are you doing here?

00:50:06What, you two know each other?

00:50:07Yeah, this is the girl I told you about.

00:50:10We went on the date.

00:50:10She never called me back.

00:50:12How do you two know each other?

00:50:13That's my daughter.

00:50:15What?

00:50:15Your daughter?

00:50:16Mom, can I talk to you just for a second?

00:50:19Um, I met that guy at your last mixer.

00:50:24We went on a date, and he ended up being one of the strangest guys I've ever met.

00:50:28How can you possibly say that?

00:50:29I think he is wonderful.

00:50:31He asked our waiter if he could chew him down on the check, and then he said that I had

00:50:36a cute little jupeak.

00:50:37Oh, oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.

00:50:40He's very funny.

00:50:41Really?

00:50:42Okay.

00:50:42Well, then we went to a jazz club, and he stood up in front of everyone and said that Smokey

00:50:47Joe Jefferson was a schwarza.

00:50:48Well, he is one, isn't he?

00:50:50He is a psycho.

00:50:51I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?

00:50:53Oh, please.

00:50:54Now, come on.

00:50:55I mean, the man is a doctor.

00:50:57It's not like he has time to stalk.

00:50:59No, obviously, this is some sort of crazy coincidence that, you know, it's good.

00:51:05Now, wait a minute.

00:51:07Actually, I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.

00:51:13Now, I think that this just might be fate, trying to get you two together.

00:51:20Wow.

00:51:21I have never heard you like this.

00:51:22All right.

00:51:23Allison, darling, listen to me.

00:51:25Now, you are 27 years old.

00:51:27And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?

00:51:29No.

00:51:30And why is that?

00:51:31Because I have never felt that anyone was good enough for you.

00:51:35Until now.

00:51:36What are you doing?

00:51:47What?

00:51:48I told you to let me get to the altar, look at me for 15 seconds, let the tension build,

00:51:53and then slowly pull my veil back.

00:51:56And where is the rabbi?

00:51:57Can somebody get him off the shitter?

00:51:58Okay, fine.

00:51:59Whatever.

00:51:59Let's just keep going.

00:52:00No, we can't keep going.

00:52:01We have to keep doing it until we get it right.

00:52:03Adam, your timing was way off.

00:52:05I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.

00:52:07Yeah, that's the least of our problems.

00:52:08You didn't even have tears in your eyes when you lifted up the veil.

00:52:11It's a rehearsal.

00:52:12Who cares if it's a rehearsal?

00:52:13Don't you love my daughter so much that you tear up every time you see her?

00:52:16I can't believe you're being so insensitive.

00:52:18Don't you know that she is still recovering from her surgery?

00:52:21Oh, by the way, Hannah has your new vatch.

00:52:24Jill, stop talking about Hannah's vagina.

00:52:27Less ugly?

00:52:28Dennis!

00:52:28Dad!

00:52:29What?

00:52:29Pokey-poo, the Daniels are right.

00:52:31You really need to take this a little bit more seriously because we only have three more

00:52:35rehearsals left till the wedding.

00:52:37Megan, sweetie, your pedal throng's got a little bit sloppy and unfocused.

00:52:41Remember, it's three pedals per step.

00:52:44Screw it up again and you're both out.

00:52:48Okay, so let's take it from the poems.

00:52:50What?

00:52:51The poems?

00:52:51Yeah.

00:52:52Oh, honey, you want to do that now?

00:52:53I thought that was going to be a surprise for the wedding day.

00:52:56It's going to be a surprise for the guests, but I need to see how you perform it so I

00:52:59can give you notes.

00:53:01Okay.

00:53:04Hannah.

00:53:04Yes?

00:53:05The day I met you, it was like a dream, even more thrilling than my father's new embroidery

00:53:11machine.

00:53:12I'm fine.

00:53:13My feelings towards you are so extreme that sometimes when I'm with you, I just, I just

00:53:18want to scream.

00:53:21What grade is he in?

00:53:22The thought of being without you words can't explain if you only knew what was going on

00:53:28inside my brain.

00:53:32Brain.

00:53:33Brain.

00:53:34I can't believe I'm about to spend the rest of my years with you.

00:53:38And in just a few minutes, I'm going to say the words.

00:53:44I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm going to say the words, I can't.

00:53:57What are you doing?

00:53:59I'm not ready to be a man.

00:54:01What?

00:54:02Again?

00:54:02I'm not ready to be a man.

00:54:04Finally, he says something true.

00:54:06What?

00:54:06I'm not ready to be a man.

00:54:09I'm not ready to be a man.

00:54:12I'm not ready to be a man.

00:54:13Oh, Adam.

00:54:15This is why I wanted to rehearse.

00:54:17What the fuck?

00:54:19You're kidding, right?

00:54:20No, no, because, um, sex, you know, has a way of complicating things and I, I want to

00:54:26get to know you.

00:54:27I want to get to know the real you.

00:54:29I can't believe you're saying this.

00:54:31I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.

00:54:33So, um, I saw your commercial.

00:54:35So I went to the palace and we've been hanging out ever since.

00:54:38He never said a word to us about this.

00:54:39God forbid he should tell us anything.

00:54:41Have you heard from him at all in the last week?

00:54:43No, no, I've been calling him, too.

00:54:45He hasn't returned any of my calls.

00:54:46What if he was murdered by the homeless meth heads?

00:54:49What if he was blown by a vampire?

00:54:51Did he say anything about Hannah, about the wedding?

00:54:53No, nothing.

00:54:55Daddy!

00:54:56You know what?

00:54:56He probably just got cold feet.

00:54:58I disappeared for six months before my wedding.

00:55:00Right, honey?

00:55:00Uh, that was me.

00:55:01Oh, that's right.

00:55:03How are you a doctor?

00:55:05Oh, God.

00:55:06He's gone forever and I'm never gonna have a baby.

00:55:12Oh, God.

00:55:14I didn't have a grandchild.

00:55:17Oh, God.

00:55:20No.

00:55:22God damn it.

00:55:22Do something, Bruce.

00:55:25Oh, no.

00:55:26No.

00:55:28No.

00:55:29No.

00:55:37Huh?

00:55:40Hello?

00:55:41Hello?

00:55:42I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:43I don't.

00:55:46Ah!

00:55:48Now, the doctors at the hospital referred you to Serenity Hills

00:55:52because they felt that Adam required a more intense,

00:55:56hands-on environment for his condition.

00:55:58His condition?

00:55:59Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case

00:56:02of post-traumatic stress disorder.

00:56:04Oh, what the?

00:56:05I didn't do it.

00:56:06I just don't understand what could have caused all this.

00:56:09Not again.

00:56:10Man, your fault.

00:56:11Shh, honey, you can still change your mind.

00:56:17What the?

00:56:18Seems fine to me.

00:56:19Get him!

00:56:22Run!

00:56:23Get him!

00:56:24In a case like Adam's,

00:56:26who has a long history of panic attacks,

00:56:29it's not uncommon that he would reach what we refer to

00:56:32as the ha, or the hyper-aroused state.

00:56:39What we are watching are nuts.

00:56:41Numbness.

00:56:42Numbing.

00:56:43Now, over the next 21 days...

00:56:4621 days?

00:56:47No, no, no, that is July 2nd.

00:56:48July 2nd is my wedding.

00:56:49Well, you've got to get a matter quicker than that.

00:56:50I've got 200 grand in deposits.

00:56:52Do you have, like, an express service?

00:56:53Express service?

00:56:54This is our only son you're talking about!

00:56:56We're not putting him in some express service!

00:56:58Whoa!

00:56:59Whoa!

00:57:00Whoa!

00:57:01Just relax.

00:57:02Breathe.

00:57:03We need 21 days.

00:57:04And if you cannot give us that,

00:57:06then get him out of here.

00:57:07Oh!

00:57:08We can go swimming.

00:57:09I don't know.

00:57:10You need to try.

00:57:11It's going to be okay.

00:57:12Look, he looks better on the ladder.

00:57:14Is it just me, or does that dolphin look like him?

00:57:18No!

00:57:19Never did that with me!

00:57:20Ever!

00:57:21Give him time!

00:57:22Give him time!

00:57:23Here's a nightmare!

00:57:24You, Adam!

00:57:25You!

00:57:26You!

00:57:27Johnny Williams, come on down!

00:57:31Oh, gosh.

00:57:32Don't think I've seen this since I was a kid.

00:57:35Wow.

00:57:36It's amazing they can still find humans

00:57:38who will actually appear in this show.

00:57:42I'm Salah Khan.

00:57:43I've been assigned to be your primary counsellor.

00:57:48Look.

00:57:49If you don't want to talk, it's no problem.

00:57:51You don't have to talk.

00:57:53You know, these things take time.

00:57:55And I've got all the time you need.

00:57:57All right.

00:58:01Are you ready for some Paco?

00:58:03Okay, let's do it.

00:58:04Let's walk out.

00:58:05And give it a drop.

00:58:07Okay, all right.

00:58:09Here it goes.

00:58:10It takes a little tea time.

00:58:12Why is it that only fat people make it into the showdown?

00:58:15I don't know how to do it.

00:58:17Fine.

00:58:18You know, you want to sit there like a vegetable all day,

00:58:21pretend like you don't hear me, then go right ahead.

00:58:24All right.

00:58:25But my job is to make you well again

00:58:28by having you face the traumatic events

00:58:30that have forced you into this state.

00:58:31So, unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that,

00:58:34then I would save the $2,500 a day you're spending here

00:58:37and go check yourself into a hotel.

00:58:41All right, suit yourself.

00:58:43You stare all you like, little man.

00:58:46What did you just say?

00:58:55So, anyway, the moil slips.

00:58:58A piece falls off.

00:58:59Hits me in the punim.

00:59:00I've been cockeyed ever since.

00:59:02So, Ami, Allison tells me you're from Skokie.

00:59:07Yeah, yeah.

00:59:08You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.

00:59:10Sorry, excuse me.

00:59:12Oh, really?

00:59:13Yeah, we were practically neighbors.

00:59:15Your family still there?

00:59:16Nope.

00:59:17Where'd they move to?

00:59:18They moved.

00:59:19To heaven.

00:59:20Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:59:24When did they pass?

00:59:26They, um, they passed a few years back.

00:59:29I can't believe you never told me that.

00:59:31Well, it's hard to talk about.

00:59:34It's very raw.

00:59:35Why?

00:59:36What happened?

00:59:37Hunting accident.

00:59:38Oi.

00:59:39Hunting accident?

00:59:40Uh, they got shot by hunters.

00:59:41What were your parents doing wandering around

00:59:43where people were hunting?

00:59:44They weren't.

00:59:45They were, um, the hunters were hunting in our backyard.

00:59:48What were the hunters doing in your backyard?

00:59:50They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.

00:59:53And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies

00:59:56and, uh, the, um, the hunters mistook them for elk.

01:00:01Oh.

01:00:02What happened to the hunters?

01:00:03Were they arrested?

01:00:04No.

01:00:05They are still at large.

01:00:06You know what, Avi?

01:00:07The police chief in Skokie's an old friend of mine.

01:00:09I'm calling him tomorrow.

01:00:11We'll see if we can't help move things along.

01:00:13Huh.

01:00:14Uh, forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your...

01:00:16Can we, can we talk about something else?

01:00:18Of course.

01:00:19I was watching TV last night, um, Ten Commandments.

01:00:22Charlton Heston, what an actor.

01:00:24Not Jewish, you know.

01:00:26Who isn't?

01:00:28So I'm, I'm up there and we're rehearsing these, these poems

01:00:34that we had written for each other.

01:00:37And, and right at the part where I'm about to say I do,

01:00:42I just, I just cracked.

01:00:44Good, Adam.

01:00:45Do you remember how you were feeling in that very moment?

01:00:49No.

01:00:50I mean, I, I just, for a split second, I, I, I saw my entire life

01:00:56with Hannah flash before my eyes.

01:00:58And why did that scare you?

01:01:00Probably because I, I don't think she's right for me.

01:01:05So then why are you marrying her?

01:01:07I don't know.

01:01:08You're avoiding the question, Adam.

01:01:10I think you do know.

01:01:12Now, what I want you to do is try to pinpoint the exact moment

01:01:16in your life where this pressure you're feeling originated.

01:01:20I was 12 years old.

01:01:25Stop staring at her, Adam.

01:01:29That is rude.

01:01:31You're cute.

01:01:34You stare all you right, little man.

01:01:36You are not, and you will never be, her little man.

01:01:41Why can't I be her little man?

01:01:42Because she's not Jewish.

01:01:43So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?

01:01:45That's right.

01:01:46Why?

01:01:47Because it's your responsibility to perpetuate our religion.

01:01:48Why?

01:01:49Because six million of our ancestors died and we owe it to them.

01:01:51Why?

01:01:52Because they're dead.

01:01:53So what does that have to do with me?

01:01:54Because you're Jewish.

01:01:55The fate of our entire religion depends on you.

01:01:58You, you, you, you.

01:02:00It depends on me.

01:02:01It depends on me.

01:02:02It's all right.

01:02:03It all depends on me.

01:02:04It's all right.

01:02:05It's all right, Adam.

01:02:07Oh, God.

01:02:08Oh, God.

01:02:09Oh, God.

01:02:10Oh, God.

01:02:11Adam, that was really good.

01:02:14Really good.

01:02:17I'm here.

01:02:18Hey, boss.

01:02:21Can I get the Christmas?

01:02:22Yeah.

01:02:24Here.

01:02:24Ay, gracias.

01:02:25You have soft hands.

01:02:26Uh, hey, boss, you remember that one time we went to?

01:02:28Don't say a word.

01:02:29Hey, beautiful.

01:02:30How you doing?

01:02:31Yeah, here.

01:02:33Ay, gracias.

01:02:34You have soft hands.

01:02:36Uh, hey, Buzz, you remember that one time we went to...

01:02:39Don't say a word.

01:02:42Hey, beautiful, how you doing?

01:02:44Just working. What are you doing?

01:02:46Oh, nothing, you know, just here at the hospital,

01:02:48checking in on patients, patients, patients.

01:02:50What's up, baby?

01:02:52Well, I just spoke to my dad,

01:02:53and he talked to the chief of police in Skokie,

01:02:55and there's no record of any Rosenbergs

01:02:57being shot and killed by hunters.

01:02:59Really?

01:03:00Yeah, in fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death

01:03:03in Skokie ever.

01:03:05So I went online to research it,

01:03:07and I couldn't find anything.

01:03:08Allison, I didn't want to have to tell you this,

01:03:10but my parents were in the witness protection program,

01:03:15and when they were murdered,

01:03:17the FBI destroyed their records.

01:03:19Hey, Buzz, you're crazy.

01:03:21What were they doing in the witness protection program?

01:03:23Jimmy Hoffa?

01:03:24What about Jimmy Hoffa?

01:03:26Look, I've said too much already.

01:03:27Do you understand?

01:03:28Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.

01:03:29I mean, we've been going out for a month,

01:03:31and you never tell me that your parents were murdered

01:03:33by elk hunters,

01:03:34and now they're in the witness protection program?

01:03:36And on top of all that,

01:03:37I'm just starting to wonder if you might be gay.

01:03:40Well, gay?

01:03:41Whoa, whoa.

01:03:42Why would you think I'm gay?

01:03:44Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month

01:03:46and doesn't want to sleep with her?

01:03:48I do. I want to sleep with you.

01:03:49I just wanted to be special.

01:03:52Ew.

01:03:53That is exactly what my Aunt Judy's husband told her

01:03:55right before they got married.

01:03:56And 20 years and two kids later,

01:03:58she walks in on him tied up with a rubber ball gag in his mouth

01:04:01being by a who was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

01:04:05Okay?

01:04:06And now you're not going to turn out like my Aunt Judy.

01:04:08Okay, okay, okay. Listen, we will sleep together.

01:04:12Let's do this, baby.

01:04:14Really? Do you mean that?

01:04:15Oh, yeah.

01:04:16When?

01:04:17When are we going to have sex?

01:04:18Right after I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.

01:04:22What medical conference in Dallas?

01:04:24Remember I told you about that a couple of weeks ago.

01:04:27When are you leaving?

01:04:28Like in two hours.

01:04:31You know, when you inhale,

01:04:33maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabron.

01:04:42You know, Ruth, I'm looking at a bill here for $42,765.

01:04:49And considering we said we'd split all the wedding expenses,

01:04:53we need to go halfsies.

01:04:55How's your son going crazy at wedding expense?

01:04:57Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal,

01:04:59so I think a case could be made in a court of law.

01:05:02This is a wedding expense.

01:05:04Nice try. Nice try.

01:05:05He's got a well-documented, pre-existing condition.

01:05:07There's no way in hell we're paying for it.

01:05:09His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.

01:05:11Oh.

01:05:12Oh.

01:05:13Hey, are you implying that my daughter

01:05:14had something to do with Adam's freak-out?

01:05:16Oh, she's not implying.

01:05:18She's saying.

01:05:19I had nothing to do with this.

01:05:20Oh, right, you're not insane.

01:05:22Everyone, please.

01:05:23We have worked very hard to get Adam to the point

01:05:26he is at in his therapy,

01:05:27and he has had a very tough time.

01:05:29But these last few days,

01:05:31he has truly managed to come from behind.

01:05:34Oh, God! Oh, God!

01:05:37Oh, God!

01:05:38What the?

01:05:39Oh, God!

01:05:40Oh, God!

01:05:41Oh, God!

01:05:42Oh, God!

01:05:43What are you doing?

01:05:44He never tried that with me!

01:05:46Hannah?

01:05:47Oh, man!

01:05:48What is everybody doing here at the same time?

01:05:51Oh, God.

01:05:53Oh, God.

01:05:54So, let me get this straight.

01:05:56You no longer want to get married to me

01:05:59because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?

01:06:02I know this must be a shock for everyone,

01:06:04but when Adam finally opened up to me,

01:06:07I don't know, we just clicked.

01:06:09What do you mean you just clicked?

01:06:11Arlene, we are not going to get anywhere

01:06:14by attacking each other, Sala.

01:06:16Please continue.

01:06:18By the way, you're fired.

01:06:20Well, I'm a Buddhist,

01:06:23and both of our religions were born out of struggle,

01:06:26so we both place emphasis on family,

01:06:30education, and hard work.

01:06:32And the intense pressure that Adam feels

01:06:34to marry within his people

01:06:36is the same pressure I feel to marry a Mongolian,

01:06:39so it's no wonder why we're able to connect.

01:06:42For 43 grand, you could have connected

01:06:44with every chick in Mongolia!

01:06:47Okay, Sala.

01:06:50Hypothetically speaking,

01:06:52if you two were to stay together

01:06:54and get married,

01:06:57how would you raise your children?

01:06:59Mom, do we have to get into this right now?

01:07:01Isn't that what this is for?

01:07:02Okay, well, the truth is...

01:07:03The truth is...

01:07:05The truth is?

01:07:05The truth is...

01:07:06What's the truth?

01:07:06The truth is, I don't know

01:07:08if I want to raise my kids Jewish!

01:07:13Oh, shit.

01:07:14Jesus, who are you?

01:07:18Was I not a good mother to you?

01:07:22When you were in kindergarten

01:07:23and you wanted the little trampoline

01:07:25that could poke your eye out,

01:07:26who got you the trampoline

01:07:27that could poke your eye out?

01:07:29I did.

01:07:29And when you were in fifth grade

01:07:31and you wanted to take karate lessons

01:07:34in Chinatown,

01:07:35who drove you there three nights a week

01:07:37and sat in the parking lot

01:07:39all alone in the dark?

01:07:42I did.

01:07:43Okay.

01:07:44And do you know why?

01:07:46Because you're my son.

01:07:49And I love you.

01:07:53And how do you show your love for me?

01:07:56You have style sex

01:07:59with your Mongolian therapist

01:08:00on your wedding day!

01:08:02And then you say to me,

01:08:04Hey, Mom, I'm not sure

01:08:07if I want to raise my kids Jewish!

01:08:11Oh, Adam, that's fine!

01:08:13That's fine!

01:08:14Just save the knife!

01:08:15Just save the knife and kill me, Adam!

01:08:17Just save it right now!

01:08:18Mom, stop it!

01:08:23Oh, okay, Adam.

01:08:25So you're saying

01:08:26that our entire time together

01:08:28meant nothing to you?

01:08:29We never hit you!

01:08:30We never fondled you!

01:08:31I got a lip of tea!

01:08:32Can you for you?

01:08:34Honey, honey,

01:08:35I think we dodged a bullet.

01:08:37Yeah, she seems nice.

01:08:38I mean,

01:08:39you better get a good lawyer,

01:08:40freak boy,

01:08:40because I'm suing your ass off.

01:08:42Okay, this!

01:08:44This!

01:08:45Right here!

01:08:46You want to know

01:08:47why I went nuts?

01:08:49It's because all of you

01:08:50are nuts!

01:08:52And I'm sorry

01:08:53that I can't marry you,

01:08:54but it's better

01:08:55that we end this right now

01:08:56rather than dragging this on

01:08:58for a long fucking time.

01:09:01And, Mom,

01:09:01I'm sorry

01:09:02that you had to do things

01:09:03that you didn't want to do,

01:09:05but you know what?

01:09:06So did I.

01:09:07I joined the family business

01:09:08and became

01:09:09the embroidery prince!

01:09:11Well,

01:09:11how happy can a man be?

01:09:13And to top it off,

01:09:14I've never dated a woman

01:09:15who wasn't Jewish

01:09:16my entire life.

01:09:17Well, you know what?

01:09:18I'm not doing things

01:09:19for you guys anymore,

01:09:20huh?

01:09:21I'm doing things for me

01:09:22because I love Sala.

01:09:24Sala.

01:09:25And she's Mongolian.

01:09:28And that's pretty cool.

01:09:31I love you too.

01:09:33Oh, God.

01:09:35Are you going to be paying

01:09:36by cash or check?

01:09:40With this technique,

01:09:41the thematic skin

01:09:42is allowed to stay intact.

01:09:44And finally,

01:09:45the neocrossing crush.

01:09:47By using the terra clamp,

01:09:49the skin is crushed

01:09:50for around 10 days

01:09:51until it suffocates

01:09:53and dies.

01:09:54With this technique,

01:09:56the skin bonds...

01:09:56Tough, though.

01:09:56Yeah.

01:09:57I mean,

01:09:57you've got to love

01:09:58the dorsal slip, right?

01:10:00Because the phomotic skin

01:10:00stays intact.

01:10:01But on the other hand,

01:10:02with the sleeve resection,

01:10:03I've got the widest variety

01:10:04of scarring options.

01:10:06What do you think?

01:10:08Honestly,

01:10:08I'm kind of partial

01:10:09to the temporary crush.

01:10:10You know,

01:10:10you get all the benefits

01:10:12of the sleeve resection,

01:10:13but you get that pump action

01:10:14of the agamco device there.

01:10:16Yeah, yeah.

01:10:16Plus,

01:10:17it reduces your schmegma

01:10:18by like 75%.

01:10:20It does?

01:10:20Yeah.

01:10:21Done.

01:10:21Sold.

01:10:23Going with the temporary crush, boy.

01:10:25Knock, knock.

01:10:26Snip, snip time,

01:10:27Mr. O'Connell.

01:10:29Oh.

01:10:31Here we go.

01:10:32Is this your life partner?

01:10:34Who?

01:10:34No.

01:10:35No, no, no, no, no.

01:10:35No life partnering here.

01:10:37No, that would be weird.

01:10:38Not that that's weird at all,

01:10:40but just, you know.

01:10:40Okay, Mr. O'Connell.

01:10:42So, me going to turn

01:10:43this little knobby here on,

01:10:44and you're going to

01:10:45just slowly drift away.

01:10:47Me want you to breathe,

01:10:49relax,

01:10:50enjoy it.

01:10:53Breathing, breathing.

01:10:55I'm scared.

01:10:56Yeah, I have nothing

01:10:57to be afraid of, boy.

01:10:58Nurse Boo is going to

01:10:59sing you a little ditty

01:11:00and make you feel

01:11:01all better.

01:11:02Oh.

01:11:02When I was only

01:11:03eight days old,

01:11:05hurrah,

01:11:06hurrah,

01:11:06a billy, billy, billy,

01:11:07bum.

01:11:08When I was only

01:11:09eight days old,

01:11:10hurrah,

01:11:11hurrah,

01:11:12a billy, billy, billy.

01:11:13The boy that came

01:11:14with his big knife,

01:11:15I thought he was

01:11:16going to take my life,

01:11:17but he only took

01:11:18a little bit

01:11:20off the top,

01:11:21a little bit

01:11:22off the top,

01:11:23top, top,

01:11:23a little bit

01:11:24off the top.

01:11:27Top.

01:11:28Well,

01:11:29okay, okay.

01:11:30Okay.

01:11:31She was taking

01:11:32a little off the top.

01:11:32Easy there,

01:11:33Mr. O'Connor.

01:11:35Next time,

01:11:37don't trust

01:11:37your circumcision

01:11:38to an HMO.

01:11:47I think she's nice.

01:11:48I just,

01:11:48I can't believe

01:11:49that you're doing

01:11:50all of this

01:11:51just so you don't

01:11:52have to make

01:11:52any more decisions.

01:11:53Oh, Adam,

01:11:54you don't get it.

01:11:56All those things

01:11:57that you say

01:11:57drive you crazy,

01:11:58I love.

01:11:59I love that

01:12:00your parents

01:12:01smother you.

01:12:01I love that

01:12:03if they hear

01:12:03about a tornado

01:12:04in Kansas,

01:12:05they call you,

01:12:07even though

01:12:07you live in Los Angeles.

01:12:09Yeah,

01:12:09we're very nervous

01:12:10people.

01:12:10And I love

01:12:11the fact that

01:12:11you email each

01:12:12other your itinerary

01:12:13is because

01:12:14because you never

01:12:16know,

01:12:17you know?

01:12:17No.

01:12:19You never know.

01:12:20Never know.

01:12:21And for the past

01:12:225,000 years,

01:12:23every civilization,

01:12:25every culture

01:12:25has tried to have

01:12:26you guys annihilated.

01:12:27Yeah,

01:12:27we are not liked.

01:12:28I like you.

01:12:29We like,

01:12:30you're getting the

01:12:30it's going to all

01:12:31make sense now.

01:12:33Muhammad Al-Sheikh

01:12:34Al-Sheen

01:12:35Al-Sheikh

01:12:36is up here.

01:12:37Now,

01:12:37he's going to come

01:12:38up here

01:12:38and then we got

01:12:39Muhammad Al-Sheikh.

01:12:41No.

01:12:42Stop that.

01:12:43O'Connell here.

01:12:46Speak up.

01:12:47Hi, Daddy.

01:12:47It's your son,

01:12:48Christian.

01:12:48What you doing?

01:12:49I'm in Tahiti

01:12:50having myself

01:12:50a Mai Tai.

01:12:51What the hell

01:12:52do you think

01:12:52I'm doing?

01:12:54Fighting terrorists?

01:12:55Spreading democracy?

01:12:56Dad,

01:12:57guess what I'm doing?

01:12:58Oh,

01:12:58I'm here with

01:12:59Adam Lipschitz.

01:12:59You remember him?

01:13:00Adam Lipschitz?

01:13:01Didn't I order you

01:13:02to stay away

01:13:03from that boy?

01:13:03No, Daddy.

01:13:04We're life partners.

01:13:05Sir,

01:13:06that's inaccurate, sir.

01:13:07Life partners?

01:13:08Now,

01:13:08what the hell

01:13:09is life partners?

01:13:10She's a homo,

01:13:10Dad.

01:13:11What?

01:13:11I call her to what?

01:13:13A homo?

01:13:14Yeah,

01:13:14we're here

01:13:14at the hospital,

01:13:15you know,

01:13:15because he's with me

01:13:16so I can get

01:13:17circumcised,

01:13:19sir.

01:13:19What?

01:13:19Not for me,

01:13:20though.

01:13:20Circumcised.

01:13:22Circumcised?

01:13:23Yeah,

01:13:23so I can be a Jew,

01:13:24Daddy.

01:13:24You can be a Jew?

01:13:26Daddy,

01:13:26I want to tell you

01:13:27something, too,

01:13:27because I don't think

01:13:28I've ever told you

01:13:29this before.

01:13:29We never say this,

01:13:30but I love you,

01:13:32Daddy.

01:13:32I love you.

01:13:35Hi.

01:13:36Ow!

01:13:36Sorry.

01:13:37You know,

01:13:38I'm glad

01:13:38we're hanging out again,

01:13:39but I kind of feel

01:13:40like something's missing.

01:13:41A little bit

01:13:43off the top.

01:13:44Top of the top.

01:13:51Allison?

01:13:55Want to have sex?

01:13:56Not really.

01:14:03Clear right!

01:14:04Clear right!

01:14:04Didn't I order you

01:14:06to keep your son

01:14:07away from my son?

01:14:09Excuse me.

01:14:10Don't you play

01:14:11dumb with me,

01:14:12s*** lips?

01:14:14Buck O'Connell?

01:14:16Oh, jeez.

01:14:17Your Adam

01:14:18has turned

01:14:19my Christian

01:14:20into some

01:14:21gay Jew.

01:14:23Whoa, whoa, whoa,

01:14:23whoa, whoa.

01:14:24Buck, slow down.

01:14:25What are you talking about?

01:14:26They're

01:14:27live partners.

01:14:30Live partners?

01:14:32Wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:14:33What makes you

01:14:34think this?

01:14:35He called

01:14:35and told me

01:14:37while he was

01:14:38in hospital

01:14:39with your Adam

01:14:40that he

01:14:41was about

01:14:43to get his package

01:14:43up so they

01:14:44could be

01:14:45gay Jews

01:14:46together.

01:14:48And then

01:14:49he told me,

01:14:50Dad,

01:14:50I love you.

01:14:52What the hell

01:14:54is going on?

01:14:55Huh?

01:14:55Oh, Dennis.

01:14:56We pushed him

01:14:57too far

01:14:58and he snapped

01:14:59with all the pressure

01:15:01that we put on him

01:15:02to marry a Jewish girl.

01:15:03The Asian wasn't

01:15:04enough and

01:15:04he went the other way.

01:15:08Okay, Buck,

01:15:09first of all,

01:15:10you look fantastic.

01:15:12Whoa, hey, hey.

01:15:13Take it easy, yo, man.

01:15:14No, but second of all,

01:15:15I mean,

01:15:15I'm having a hard time

01:15:16believing any of this.

01:15:18Oh, yeah?

01:15:19The way's your boy

01:15:20right now.

01:15:21Oh, buddy,

01:15:22I'm so happy

01:15:23you're here

01:15:23and that you're

01:15:24helping me with this.

01:15:25I don't know

01:15:26what I would do

01:15:26without you.

01:15:26You really need me

01:15:27to do this again?

01:15:28I gotta be honest.

01:15:28I don't know

01:15:29if I can get through

01:15:29another gauze pass.

01:15:31And how many times

01:15:32a day do you have

01:15:32to do it?

01:15:33Oh, really?

01:15:34I can't do this myself.

01:15:35Please come and do it.

01:15:36God.

01:15:37Come on,

01:15:37just help me.

01:15:38Okay.

01:15:39Come here.

01:15:39Put some of that jelly

01:15:40on it and let's get going.

01:15:41Drop the petroleum jelly

01:15:47and back away

01:15:49from my son's anus.

01:15:51Holy s***.

01:15:53I knew it.

01:15:54Don't shoot him, Dad.

01:15:55Mom?

01:15:56Adam.

01:15:56Dad?

01:15:57Damn it, Adam.

01:15:57Jelly's for toast.

01:16:01Allison,

01:16:02I'm not a Jew

01:16:03and I'm not a doctor

01:16:04and my name is not

01:16:05Avi Rosenberg.

01:16:06Well, then

01:16:07who the hell are you?

01:16:08I'm Christian Thaddeus

01:16:09Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

01:16:11I'm a plumber.

01:16:12Look,

01:16:12when I met you

01:16:13at the mixer,

01:16:14I begged my friend

01:16:14Adam here

01:16:15to help me pass

01:16:16myself off as a Jew

01:16:18so that you'd be

01:16:18able to date me.

01:16:20P*** club?

01:16:22Allison,

01:16:23how's it going?

01:16:24Marcy?

01:16:24Don't you even look at me.

01:16:25Rabbi, I'm so sorry.

01:16:26You.

01:16:27P*** club.

01:16:28Before Adam came along,

01:16:29I watched NASCAR

01:16:30and I had the heads

01:16:31of dead animals

01:16:32that I'd hunted

01:16:33and killed myself

01:16:33on my wall

01:16:34and I had no idea

01:16:35that when you order

01:16:36a salad at a restaurant

01:16:36you can order

01:16:37the dressing on the side,

01:16:38let alone custom create

01:16:40your own dishes

01:16:40off the menu.

01:16:41What the hell are you

01:16:41talking about?

01:16:42I fed you C's a salad.

01:16:44Jews can custom create

01:16:45their own dishes

01:16:45off the menu.

01:16:47They're always up to something.

01:16:49No, I can hear you.

01:16:50That's why I messed up

01:16:51our date so bad

01:16:52because I wasn't being

01:16:53myself.

01:16:54And then Adam told me

01:16:55the only way I'm ever

01:16:56going to be able

01:16:56to get you back

01:16:56is if I could

01:16:57convince your mom

01:16:58that I was the greatest

01:16:59guy in the world.

01:17:00So that's why

01:17:01I poisoned your dad

01:17:02with the rotten gift

01:17:03filled of fish

01:17:04because I wanted to

01:17:06partner with your mom

01:17:07in the bridge tournament.

01:17:07You're the reason

01:17:08I've been on the toilet

01:17:09for three days

01:17:10becoming a raisin?

01:17:11All right,

01:17:11now we finally beat

01:17:12the Fleischmann,

01:17:13Shlomi,

01:17:13so just leave it alone.

01:17:14Was there ever

01:17:15a medical conference

01:17:16in Dallas?

01:17:17No, I just needed

01:17:18time to recover

01:17:19from the circumcision.

01:17:20Oh, John!

01:17:22On the what?

01:17:23You wouldn't mind

01:17:24having circumcision?

01:17:25Why would you do

01:17:26all that?

01:17:27Because I love you.

01:17:29Allison, I love you.

01:17:36Oh!

01:17:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

01:17:40And I want...

01:17:41I want you to make

01:17:42every decision for me

01:17:43for the rest of my life.

01:17:44Will you do that?

01:17:46So I'm just supposed

01:17:47to forget about

01:17:47everything you just said

01:17:49because you love me?

01:17:51Yes, please.

01:17:54Son, stop this hollering

01:17:56and just propose

01:17:57to the girl.

01:17:59Don't put the tongue in.

01:18:05Well, that haircut

01:18:06is awful.

01:18:07So let me make

01:18:08an appointment for you

01:18:09with my guy

01:18:09because he's the best.

01:18:11I should take that

01:18:12as a yes, huh?

01:18:13Yes.

01:18:14I'll take that

01:18:15as a yes.

01:18:16Aw, Shlomi,

01:18:17we've got a plumber.

01:18:18Christian Thaddeus

01:18:20Reginald MacArthur

01:18:21O'Connell.

01:18:22Rosenberg.

01:18:23Now that's a nice

01:18:24Jewish name.

01:18:26We are so thrilled

01:18:30that you finally decided

01:18:32to come on a moose hunt

01:18:33with us.

01:18:33I can't wait

01:18:34to kill me a ten-pointer.

01:18:35I'm going to skin him

01:18:36and gut him

01:18:37and pull out his rectum.

01:18:38You, uh, nobody is

01:18:39pulling out anybody's

01:18:40rectum here.

01:18:40That's what they do.

01:18:41No, no, listen to me,

01:18:42Shlomi.

01:18:42That would be

01:18:43a disgusting thing to do.

01:18:44Think of it.

01:18:44You could be more of it.

01:18:45E. coli,

01:18:45you could get bacterium.

01:18:47There are no wipes

01:18:48here that I can see.

01:18:49Shut up!

01:18:50Stop the conviction!

01:18:53Mercy,

01:18:54yarmulke man,

01:18:55take a knee.

01:18:56A knee?

01:18:59Cramp.

01:19:00Careful.

01:19:01Not like that.

01:19:02For God's sake.

01:19:03I remember when my father

01:19:07took me out

01:19:07for my first hunt.

01:19:10We all fought like crazy

01:19:12over who's going to be

01:19:13the lucky one

01:19:13to pull out that rectum.

01:19:15Ah.

01:19:16That's what they do?

01:19:17Oh, thank you.

01:19:18Nog, baby.

01:19:18Damn right.

01:19:20Nog, baby.

01:19:21Ah, daddy loves

01:19:23mama's nog.

01:19:24Nog, baby.

01:19:26I'm not really

01:19:27much of a nog guy.

01:19:28You know, the dairy

01:19:29kind of makes my

01:19:30acid reflux kick in

01:19:32and I'm not even sure

01:19:33if the eggs are cage-free

01:19:34so I don't feel safe

01:19:35but one slip won't

01:19:36kill me, I guess.

01:19:38Nog, baby.

01:19:40Oh, yeah.

01:19:46Oh, yeah!

01:19:53N-Nar-Nar-Natung

01:19:54and Javai-Nette

01:19:57whatever,

01:19:58my wife and I,

01:19:59we want to thank you

01:19:59for your hospitality

01:20:00and for these

01:20:01beautiful hats.

01:20:02Nog, baby.

01:20:03Nog, baby.

01:20:03I'm not going to

01:20:04have a good

01:20:05night.

01:20:05I'm not going to

01:20:06have a good night.

01:20:07I'm not going to

01:20:07have a good night.

01:20:07My father says it's an

01:20:09honor to have you as

01:20:09part of our family

01:20:10and they've learned a

01:20:11great deal of wisdom

01:20:12from all of you this week.

01:20:15Good to see you.

01:20:16Marmot.

01:20:17Oh, my mother says

01:20:18you're going to love

01:20:18the fried marmot.

01:20:19It's a speciality.

01:20:20Oh, Dennis, did you hear

01:20:21that?

01:20:22We're going to have

01:20:22fried marmot.

01:20:23Hooray.

01:20:23We discuss at home.

01:20:25I can have fried food

01:20:26once every few months.

01:20:27I'm not saying that

01:20:28you shouldn't have

01:20:29fried food.

01:20:30Then what are you saying?

01:20:31Let's just eat it.

01:20:32Maybe a little

01:20:32Mongolian barbecue

01:20:33or something, right?

01:20:34That could be okay.

01:20:35Let's eat what they order.

01:20:38We don't want to be rude.

01:20:38Is it kosher?

01:20:39I don't know.

01:20:40You're not even kosher.

01:20:42Why do you care?

01:20:42I had a dream

01:20:58where I saw everyone

01:21:00with a smile on the face.

01:21:02Oh, I had a dream

01:21:06of the day when our love

01:21:08took the place of our age.

01:21:10I was depressed.

01:21:20I was self-conscious.

01:21:22I realized that my God-given

01:21:24wasn't the vag I wanted

01:21:26God to give me.

01:21:28Hi, I'm Dr. Bill Ginsberg,

01:21:30founder of A Beautiful.

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01:21:52Dr. Ginsberg turned

01:21:53my Grand Canyon

01:21:55into Le Petit Canyon

01:21:57and forever changed my life.

01:22:00In fact,

01:22:01I was such a satisfied client

01:22:03that I became one of the doctors here.

01:22:07And my wife.

01:22:10Gift yourself the vag that you deserve.

01:22:13Don't let your labia interfere with your life.

01:22:15Call now.

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01:22:19Oh, sweet love.

01:22:24There was peace and harmony.

01:22:28Oh, sweet love.

01:22:31Yeah, yeah.

01:22:32Peace and harmony.

01:22:34I had a dream.

01:22:37I had a dream.

01:22:39Not a dream for myself,

01:22:41but for all that you can.

01:22:43I had a dream.

01:22:46I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel all together.

01:22:50And there's

01:22:51Oh, sweet love.

01:22:54Oh, peace and harmony.

01:22:57Oh, sweet love.

01:22:59Oh, sweet love.

01:23:01Yeah, yeah.

01:23:02Peace and harmony.

01:23:05Oh.

01:23:07Jews and Asians

01:23:08walking hand in hand.

01:23:11Smoking sixes

01:23:12with a Jewish man.

01:23:14Even Moses

01:23:16got a land of hand.

01:23:17I'm thinking love

01:23:19to love

01:23:20I had a dream

01:23:23Where I saw every Jew

01:23:26Paying me till you're free

01:23:28I had a dream

01:23:31Where I saw every Gentile

01:23:34And bringing up the side

01:23:35There was

01:23:36Oh, sweet love

01:23:38There was

01:23:40Peace and harmony

01:23:42I want to tell you about it

01:23:43Oh, sweet love

01:23:46Yeah, yeah.

01:23:47Peace and harmony

01:23:49All together

01:23:50Oh, sweet love

01:23:53Oh, sweet love

01:23:54Peace and harmony

01:23:57Oh, sweet love

01:24:01Yeah, yeah.

01:24:02Peace and harmony

01:24:04Oh, sweet love

01:24:09Peace and harmony

01:24:12Oh, sweet love

01:24:14Oh, sweet love

01:24:16Peace and harmony

01:24:17Peace and harmony

01:24:18Oh, sweet love

01:24:19Peace and harmony

01:24:22I haven'tetus

01:24:23Nooo

01:24:36You're a really nice

01:24:37I know

01:24:38I know

01:24:40I know

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