Finding Ms. Right (2022) Romance Comedy Full Movie HD

Hollywood Cinema

Chris falls madly in love with Allison, a Jewish woman, and even wants to marry her. He enlists the help of his friend to help him be more Jewish.

Transcript

00:00:10Jacob climbed the ladder, climbed it to the sky, said, people, what's the matter?

00:00:22Heaven ain't so high, people, heaven ain't so high.

00:00:31When you've got to see, you've got to see, you've got to see, you've got to see, you've got to

00:00:42see, to see, oh baby, little children, you've got to see.

00:00:48Look at the shield, look at the shield, look at the shield, look at the shield of Abraham.

00:01:02The Israelites, they wandered in the desert 40 years.

00:01:10And old Moses told the children, brush away them tears.

00:01:18Hey kids, this ain't no time for tears.

00:01:22Children, you got the shield.

00:01:25You got the shield.

00:01:29You got the shield.

00:01:31You got the shield.

00:01:35Little children, you got the shield.

00:01:42You got the shield.

00:01:44You got the shield.

00:01:45You got the shield.

00:01:48You got the shield.

00:01:50You got the shield.

00:01:51You got the shield.

00:01:54David, he fought Goliath with nothing but a tiny stone.

00:02:02David, little David, God knows you're not alone.

00:02:08God knows you're not alone.

00:02:13David, you got the shield.

00:02:17You got the shield.

00:02:20You got the shield.

00:02:22You got the shield.

00:02:24You got the shield.

00:02:26You got the shield of Abraham.

00:02:28Little David, you got the shield.

00:02:31You got the shield.

00:02:35You got the shield.

00:02:38You got the shield.

00:02:39You got the shield.

00:02:40You got the shield.

00:02:43My name is Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

00:02:47And between the ages of eight and 17 years old, good old Uncle Sam restationed my father

00:02:5312 times.

00:02:56Class, please welcome G.I. Joe.

00:03:00From Wichita to Berlin, nobody wanted to be friends with a new kid.

00:03:05I think G.I. Joe is cool.

00:03:10Thanks.

00:03:11There are a lot of different reasons why people become friends.

00:03:14Because you have a lot in common, or maybe because you want something, or because no one

00:03:19else will be your friend, and that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz.

00:03:25How rude of me.

00:03:28Wawa?

00:03:29We were complete opposites, but we became best friends.

00:03:35My first dinner with the Lipschitzes, one word.

00:03:39Why couldn't we have gone to China Palace?

00:03:42Jews.

00:03:42Jenny, we've discussed this.

00:03:44Your cholesterol's 272.

00:03:45Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack by the time you're 50?

00:03:47No, but...

00:03:48Besides, I heard that they cook with D-O-G.

00:03:54Adam's mom took control of her men.

00:03:57Now you're right, Arlene.

00:03:59You're always right.

00:04:00The baby just killed.

00:04:01I love you.

00:04:02I love you.

00:04:02Well, I love you more.

00:04:03No, I love you more.

00:04:04You just wait till later.

00:04:05Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?

00:04:07It kind of freaked me out at first.

00:04:11But I learned to love it.

00:04:14Hi, my name's Suyan.

00:04:16You ready to order?

00:04:16What?

00:04:18Stop staring at her, Adam.

00:04:20That is rude.

00:04:20Oh.

00:04:22You're cute.

00:04:23You stare all you right, little man.

00:04:25You are not, and you will never be, her little man.

00:04:30I never realized how different growing up Jewish was.

00:04:33Where's my burger, Betsy?

00:04:37Until I hung out with the O'Connells.

00:04:39I'm coming.

00:04:40I'm sorry.

00:04:41The tots were frozen, and I had to wait for them to defrost.

00:04:45And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce?

00:04:49Huh?

00:04:50One word?

00:04:52Gentiles.

00:04:52Oh, I got distracted waiting for my tots.

00:04:55I'll go get it.

00:04:56Don't you need a wrench.

00:04:57And he's dead.

00:04:58And he's dead.

00:04:59And the throw ends up in the upper end.

00:05:01Ah!

00:05:03Touchdown!

00:05:04Oh!

00:05:05What the hell?

00:05:06That's a touchdown!

00:05:08I'll tell you one thing.

00:05:09There's nobody who called a better game than Kosella.

00:05:12A boy didn't have him.

00:05:15One heck of a beak.

00:05:18Jew beak.

00:05:22The Talmud states that the first twelve years of a Jewish man's life

00:05:27all lead up to the moment where he must transform himself from a boy to a man.

00:05:33Adam mints Lipschitz.

00:05:35That moment has arrived.

00:05:36I'd never been to any Jew-y type of thing until Adam's bar mitzvah.

00:05:41Bar-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a

00:05:54-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a

00:05:55-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a

00:05:57-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a

00:05:58-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a

00:05:59-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k-a-k

00:06:07What?

00:06:08I'm not ready!

00:06:09What the hell was that?

00:06:11Bermas is rock!

00:06:14Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.

00:06:18Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.

00:06:20My mom told me that if your hand touches poo, you can get psoriasis.

00:06:25Yeah, whatever.

00:06:26Launch sequence activated.

00:06:28Three, two, one, commence fire!

00:06:33Mission abort! Mission abort!

00:06:35It might look like I'm having a seizure.

00:06:37I'm not.

00:06:38This is a panic attack.

00:06:39It's hereditary.

00:06:40Get up, lip shits! Get up!

00:06:41I can't, Chris!

00:06:43Go out without me!

00:06:44No!

00:06:45Get up!

00:06:49Do either of you know what time it is?

00:06:533.07 a.m., sir.

00:06:54And what do I like to do at 3.07 a.m.?

00:06:58Sleep, sir.

00:06:59Apparently the two of you don't.

00:07:02You two would rather be launching bags of feces?

00:07:07I need a word with you in private.

00:07:12Feces.

00:07:14In here.

00:07:15You see, my son would have executed like a real marine

00:07:20if it hadn't been for private lip shits who had a brain fart.

00:07:25He screwed up the entire operation.

00:07:28Now, what the heck?

00:07:29Kind of a weird shit is that?

00:07:31It's a pomo machine.

00:07:33English!

00:07:33It's for his asthma!

00:07:35So your boy, he's got a fake disease?

00:07:39I bet you make him wear a seatbelt, too.

00:07:41How is your boy still alive?

00:07:43Seriously, how?

00:07:44All I can say is, I thank God and Uncle Sam

00:07:49that I have been restationed.

00:07:54Schmuck.

00:07:54Come on, Christian.

00:07:56Let's move.

00:07:56Come on!

00:07:57Where are we moving to, Dad?

00:07:59Camp BlueJeans, South Carolina.

00:08:02But I don't want to move again, Dad.

00:08:03I like it here.

00:08:04Well, you like it here.

00:08:05You're gonna love it there.

00:08:06Adam's the best friend I've ever had.

00:08:08Come on, Chris.

00:08:09Chris is the best friend that I've ever had.

00:08:12Move.

00:08:16Adam and I lost touch.

00:08:18He was the only Jew I ever knew.

00:08:20But then, college.

00:08:23Could you maybe not mix the potassium, pomaganate, and glycerol?

00:08:26I prefer to not explode before graduation.

00:08:30Here.

00:08:31Use the hydrazine.

00:08:33Thanks.

00:08:33Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zahava Ogin.

00:08:38You know, me and you have really good chemistry.

00:08:41And just like that, all of my decisions went away.

00:08:46Oh, I'm gonna have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.

00:08:48No, you won't.

00:08:50I didn't have to decide what to eat.

00:08:51Surprise?

00:08:53What?

00:08:53I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.

00:08:56Oh.

00:08:57And I definitely didn't decide who my friends were gonna be.

00:09:00I'm sorry, dudes.

00:09:02But Chris's GPA has dropped over the past two quarters.

00:09:06So, he will no longer be hosting poker nights.

00:09:09This is Vance Van Vantersen.

00:09:11I'm coming to you live from the University of Colorado graduation day.

00:09:14Yay!

00:09:15I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-head.

00:09:18Her name is Rebecca Ogin.

00:09:19Say hi for the audience, Rebecca.

00:09:21Mmm.

00:09:22Hi.

00:09:22Wow.

00:09:24Now, Rebecca has just informed me that she is not wearing anything underneath her graduation gown.

00:09:28Is that true, Rebecca?

00:09:30That is true, Vance.

00:09:31And I dare you to get a close-up.

00:09:39Get out.

00:09:41I know.

00:09:41It's so beautiful.

00:09:42I found this beautiful little pink box.

00:09:45You're disgusting.

00:09:46No, look.

00:09:47Really.

00:09:51Marry me, Rebecca.

00:09:56Uh, Christian.

00:09:58Look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together.

00:10:01But we're entering the real world now.

00:10:03And in the real world, this can't work.

00:10:07Why not?

00:10:09Because you're not Jewish.

00:10:14Hey, what are you saying?

00:10:17It's over, Christian.

00:10:22And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber, still crying over his college girlfriend.

00:10:27I miss Beck Beck.

00:10:29Okay.

00:10:30I located valve one.

00:10:3270 pounds of pressure rising.

00:10:34Over.

00:10:34Okay.

00:10:35Locating deceptic tank.

00:10:37Looking at 85 bars and rising.

00:10:40Over.

00:10:41Are you there, boss?

00:10:43Over.

00:10:44Yeah, guys, I'm here.

00:10:44Sorry.

00:10:45Sorry.

00:10:46And did you find the gas line?

00:10:48Yeah.

00:10:49Got it.

00:10:49And the septic shutoff line?

00:10:50Got it, too.

00:10:51Okay, boss.

00:10:52We're going to shut them both down, okay?

00:10:54Tres, dos, shut up!

00:11:00Guys, I'm really sorry.

00:11:01I don't know what happened.

00:11:02I must have spaced out.

00:11:03It's cool, boss.

00:11:04No worries.

00:11:06I spaced out, too, sometimes.

00:11:08Oh.

00:11:08But if it was my responsibility to turn off the gas and sewer lines to protect the lives

00:11:13of my loyal, hard-working, underpaid employees next to a leaking septic tank with 10,000 pounds

00:11:20of raw sewage, I would not fucking space out!

00:11:23Sir, what did you say I spaced out?

00:11:25Ay, madre de Dios!

00:11:28¿Qué es eso?

00:11:28What is that?

00:11:29What?

00:11:29¿Qué es eso?

00:11:31Of course!

00:11:32What was I thinking coming to work with you today?

00:11:35It's May 25th.

00:11:3725 de mayo.

00:11:38No, pendejo.

00:11:39May 25th is the day that this chica, Rebeca, dumped on nine years ago.

00:11:42Wasn't that the day last year where boss fixed the toilet in the men's room?

00:11:46He accidentally hooked it up to the hot water.

00:11:50Boiling toilet tank.

00:11:51Boss, I love that day, man.

00:11:53I went to pick a crap and the toilet exploded!

00:11:55I still have porcelain in my ass.

00:11:57Look, boss, me and Juan, okay, we love you, okay?

00:12:01But we are getting tired of risking our life for this puta!

00:12:05Look, just do us both a favor, go out there and find yourself another puta,

00:12:08and move on with your life, puta!

00:12:10You get on with your life, you putas!

00:12:12I already say that!

00:12:14Boss, can I go to the bathroom?

00:12:16Mm-hmm.

00:12:19Have you ever dreamed of having your nickname

00:12:22embroidered on your favorite undies?

00:12:26What about your gang name on your baseball cap?

00:12:30Mark 40.

00:12:31Mm, manatee, uh-huh.

00:12:33Goldie Tooth.

00:12:36Then, come on down to the Embroidery Palace.

00:12:39Where our royal family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.

00:12:45No booty too big.

00:12:47No booty too small.

00:12:49Because here at Embroidery Palace, we embroider it all!

00:12:54What the hell?

00:12:55Oh, damn it.

00:12:56Sorry, I told her not to call again.

00:12:58Could you be any more pussy whipped for you?

00:13:01Yeah, what now?

00:13:03And here I am, stuck working for the family business and engaged to Hannah Daniels.

00:13:07This is her 13th call.

00:13:09Yes, I'm available after three tomorrow.

00:13:11Why?

00:13:12What?

00:13:13No!

00:13:14Why would we have a preschool interview?

00:13:15That doesn't make any sense.

00:13:17You're not even pregnant yet.

00:13:18No, Hannah, it's smart to interview you now.

00:13:20It's very hard to get into a good preschool.

00:13:21This commercial is costing me an ass load.

00:13:23Get off the phone!

00:13:24Okay, I gotta go.

00:13:25I gotta go.

00:13:26Yes, I love you.

00:13:28Bye.

00:13:29What is that?

00:13:30What?

00:13:31You have a massive blackhead on your forehead.

00:13:32Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?

00:13:34Ew.

00:13:35Do you want people to change the channel during our commercial?

00:13:38Would you prefer our family go broke?

00:13:40Oh, Mom, no.

00:13:41Come on, Mom.

00:13:41Oh, no, stop moving, Dennis.

00:13:43Get me my safety pin.

00:13:43Oh, not the safety pin.

00:13:45Come on.

00:13:45It's 5 o'clock.

00:13:45I have to go meet Brianna.

00:13:47Well, Brianna's just gonna have to wait.

00:13:48Hold his head.

00:13:49Well, you know what?

00:13:50If my brother wasn't such a douche and his psycho fiancé wasn't calling him every two minutes...

00:13:54She is not a psycho.

00:13:55The best thing that ever happened to your brother.

00:13:57I'm not a douche!

00:13:58Ow!

00:13:59I got it!

00:14:02What the hell?

00:14:05Excuse me.

00:14:07Excuse me.

00:14:10What's...

00:14:11What's going on here?

00:14:13Hannah!

00:14:15Hannah!

00:14:18Oh, f***ing me.

00:14:19A jackhammer?

00:14:20Come on!

00:14:21Hannah!

00:14:22Not a bother at all, Mrs. Neiman.

00:14:24You can always call me at home when there's a problem.

00:14:26Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist by CityQuest three years in a row?

00:14:30Just remember, no matter how much it might itch, I don't want you to scratch it.

00:14:34Okay, bye.

00:14:36Stupid...

00:14:37Oh, hey!

00:14:38I never hear you sneak in.

00:14:39Oh, probably because of the jackhammer that's outside.

00:14:42How'd the rest of the commercial shoot go?

00:14:44Fine.

00:14:44What the hell is going on around here?

00:14:46They're starting construction in the baby's room.

00:14:48Isn't it exciting?

00:14:49Honey, I...

00:14:50I know that you want to have a baby so bad, and so do I in the future.

00:14:55But there is no baby to build a room for yet.

00:14:58There's not even, not even a fetus to build a room for yet.

00:15:02But it can take up to 18 months to complete construction on the Series 6 BPBC.

00:15:06I'm sorry, BPBC?

00:15:10Baby protection bedchamber.

00:15:12Oh, God.

00:15:13You enter here through the antibacterial wash chamber to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.

00:15:18Once inside, you'll be surrounded by fire retardant Jungle Book wallpaper.

00:15:22A six inch thick bullet and germ proof baby encasement unit.

00:15:2524 hour closed circuit video surveillance.

00:15:28Life size parental control reinforcements.

00:15:30Anthrax detector.

00:15:31Radon detector.

00:15:32Carbon monoxide detector.

00:15:33Smoke detector.

00:15:34And faulty detector detector.

00:15:36And a panic room.

00:15:37And-and what is this?

00:15:39For an extra 30 grand, they can install an underground escape tunnel just in case a panic room gets overrun

00:15:43by terrorists.

00:15:45Terrorists?

00:15:46Terrorists.

00:15:48Well, thank God that's optional.

00:15:49Oh, I'll be exercising that option.

00:15:52When you're really young, you know what I mean, turned to a, a plan.

00:16:10You're working on three.

00:16:14and then it hit me harder than dale earnhardt hitting that wall rest in peace the guys were

00:16:19right i needed to find another puta a jewish puta how you doing hey i'm christian

00:16:31hey you remember when cheney shotgun that old guy in the face back in 06 i mean i felt bad

00:16:36for him

00:16:37didn't you hey so you've been a jew your whole life yeah a lot of hot jew pussy in here

00:16:43hey am i right

00:16:45oh no bad bad bad bad bad

00:16:55that's a very nice get up where did you get that stuff thanks i'm glad you're having a good time

00:16:59it's mine you like it it's hysterical and i'm really glad to see that you have a sense of

00:17:06humor about the whole thing oh hey well thanks so how did it go in there that i don't think

00:17:13the

00:17:13girls around here like a guy like me well that's crazy i mean what girl here wouldn't be interested

00:17:17in a really cute jewish guy with a whacked out sense of humor so you uh you come to these

00:17:22things often

00:17:23only the ones that my mother organizes your mother she organizes yeah and if i didn't show up i would

00:17:29never hear the end of it you know how that is yeah i know how that is you should take

00:17:35my number

00:17:36for what to call me okay yeah okay five missed calls i never even heard the phone ring oh who's

00:17:46your provider pin mobile well that's your problem right there pin mobile has least amount of coverage

00:17:50in la county and the most dropped calls of any network you should switch to at&t nation 900 with

00:17:55unlimited mobile to mobile thanks allison allison marx you are

00:18:04ro rosenberg avi rosenberg

00:18:08i know i'm not a jew

00:18:39she's just like rebecca i don't know why i said it it just came out all right well maybe you

00:18:44should

00:18:45just tell her the truth no i'm not gonna tell her the truth i'm not gonna tell her the truth

00:18:48because

00:18:48then she's never gonna date me i'm just gonna keep telling her i'm a jew and hope she doesn't find

00:18:51out i don't care how big her tits are but i mean they're pretty good are you stupid just because

00:18:59you say you're a jew it does not make you one look she's going to find out i don't know

00:19:02what i was

00:19:03thinking hey you know boss jesus was a jew why don't you just tell your jesus

00:19:10huh and nada

00:19:13family has provided the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years

00:19:21adam lipschitz this had to be a sign

00:19:25no booty too big no booty too small because here in embroidery palace

00:19:36all right i want everybody to close your eyes and forget everything you think you know about

00:19:46embroidery because starting next tuesday the embroidery palace will be in possession of this

00:19:53bad boy behold the modern revolution 30 70

00:20:02okay on to the next piece of business which is our monthly corporate account review jilly bean

00:20:09can you pass out the account review books please

00:20:13now as you all know the handlebar coffee company has been our largest corporate client for the past 10

00:20:19years they notified me this morning that from this day forward they will be taking their business

00:20:27elsewhere due to this adam do you have any idea how this could have happened

00:20:35what's up god adam oh god i can't i can't believe that i did that but i'm under a lot

00:20:47of pressure with

00:20:47this whole wedding thing i got i got hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow it's i must have forgotten

00:20:53to double check the sample you should fire the prince dad oh i'd like to chop off the prince's head

00:20:59but then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne paging prince adam there's a mr christian o'connell here to

00:21:06see you christian o'connell wait wait wait wait come back here what what's the big deal what's the big

00:21:13deal yeah you tell some girl your name is avi rosenberg and now you show up after 17 years so

00:21:19that that i can teach you how to be a jew so you can duper have you lost your mind

00:21:23listen i've been

00:21:24dumped by a jew before i'm not letting it happen again it's not pretty man all right why me because

00:21:28other than rebecca ogen you're the only jew i know now come on man i need you you gotta teach

00:21:32me

00:21:33how to pass myself off as one of you guys well why do you want to marry a jew so

00:21:36badly because i never

00:21:37want to make another decision for as long as i live wow that's mildly offensive you know that yes

00:21:44but true okay i got it tell her the truth and then convert no no no no no listen to

00:21:50me allison

00:21:51marks is not going to settle for imitation jew she can have the real deal now come on adam just

00:21:55help me

00:21:56i'm sorry did you say her name was allison marks yeah allison marks why i went to sunday school with

00:22:01allison alison marks okay did did she tell you what her family did her family her mother uh organized

00:22:10the mixer wait a minute wait a minute you know them don't you do you know them yeah you could

00:22:14say

00:22:15that what oh oh i know i know but listen listen chris this is uh you know this is great

00:22:22seeing you again

00:22:23and i love that you you know are seeing what i'm doing here but i i got a lot of

00:22:28shit going on right now and my sort of my world's flipped upside down with the wedding and and and

00:22:34we're looking for preschools building a safe room for the for the baby wait a minute you didn't tell

00:22:39me you had a baby yeah i don't oh it's complicated sounds it chris i don't think i'm the guy

00:22:46for this

00:22:47adventure okay i understand yeah well um you know for whatever it's worth i'm glad i tracked you down no

00:22:56it's great to see you so maybe we'll we'll do some lunch uh we'll catch up i would love to

00:23:01do

00:23:01some lunch yeah i'm gonna be up at my parents ranch for the weekend so but here's my business card

00:23:06thanks i don't have a well here uh take this embroidery palace it's nice yellow yeah awesome

00:23:20don't take this the wrong way hannah but what led you to diagnose it as vaginitis well dad

00:23:25she was experiencing itching irritation abnormal discharge and pain during intercourse all the

00:23:29basic symptoms yes those are the basic symptoms of vaginitis but did you also take into consideration

00:23:33they could indicate vulva yes dad but i ruled out vulvitis because her vulva was not inflamed no need

00:23:39to get defensive sweetie you're probably right with your diagnosis it's just that when i was a young

00:23:42gynecologist i once diagnosed a patient with vaginitis when they had vulvitis you know what it might have

00:23:48even been bacterial vaginosis it was not bacterial vaginosis because there was no great discharge

00:23:52with my 25 years of practice i have seen many cases of vaginosis with no great discharge would

00:23:57you back me up on that bruce please your mother's right sweetie we've been doing this a few more

00:24:01years than you and sometimes even we can't distinguish between vaginosis vaginitis or vulvitis

00:24:05lots honey cottage cheese okay excuse me i'm just gonna use the bathroom i'll i'll be back

00:24:21hold it i bet you why don't you and the ladies hand out some eggnog all right

00:24:37that's right why is it that you haven't found yourself a good woman yet huh someone take care

00:24:43of you serving all maybe it's because christian's a homosexual all right you stop bullying your brother

00:24:49he will find himself a girl that's right or whatever when he's good and ready what well i'm ready to

00:24:55bag

00:24:55me a ten-pointer and i'm gonna skin him gut him and pull out his rectum there you are i'm

00:25:00pulling

00:25:01out the rectum ass tar you know about pulling out her i know about you always pulls out the rectum

00:25:05only that you make a circular incision clayton chuck over here now hurry up there's some rectum over

00:25:11there you two taking me why do you always have to fight over who's gonna pull the rectum you know

00:25:19that's not what hunting is all about hunting is about the family it's about teamwork it's about

00:25:26finding peace hello that night when we were tp-ing tim baker's house and i had one of my attacks

00:25:34and i

00:25:34tripped and fell you could have left me there and saved yourself so rude okay one one second just

00:25:43just but you didn't because you were my best friend and best friends are always there for each

00:25:50other move yeah beauty ain't he spent the extra grand for the glass eyes but they threw in the

00:26:00matte finish horn sheeting package uh hey do you like where i put him because i was thinking maybe i

00:26:06mean i could put him between the bass and the boar's ass the plan was to remove all traces of

00:26:11gentile from

00:26:12chris which turned out to be a very big task i don't get why i have to sell my truck

00:26:18because

00:26:19volvos are practical and they're safe and jewish girls love them but i'm never gonna be able to fit

00:26:23my kill into a volvo that's why you're selling the moose head all right 200 it is deal all right

00:26:29take

00:26:30that with you there no let him take it let him take it i'm giving it to him okay no

00:26:35you're not you're

00:26:35holding on to it i pulled the rectum out of that all right that's inappropriate no stop it

00:26:45so uh you think i'm gonna be ready for tomorrow night ow ow do what i said and you'll be

00:26:49fine

00:26:50tell me again why i'm doing this because the law states that you can't be buried in a jewish cemetery

00:26:54if you've desecrated your body with tattoos markings or piercings well that's stupid you're dead

00:26:58already who cares well it doesn't matter it's the law have you been taken care of down there

00:27:02down where but have you been circumcised sorry no are you kidding me my family's not into the

00:27:08whole choppy cock at birth thing besides it's not that noticeable no it is noticeable mine looks normal

00:27:13and yours looks like it's like an anteater like this do you want that in your face sorry sorry

00:27:22if chris was going to stand a chance with allison he needed a crash course in the way of the

00:27:26jew

00:27:26now i'm your date and i need you to give me seven yiddish words that you will casually slip

00:27:31into the conversation go go him the second the waiter approaches what do you do oh uh i'm feeling

00:27:41a bit of a draft would it be all right if we move to another table schvitz good now you've

00:27:45been

00:27:45relocated to the new table and what do you do oh could you please turn down that loud music kvetch

00:27:54all right now we're on to the ordering process now you have to remember that as a jew you have

00:27:59to take

00:28:00something on the menu and alter it beyond all recognition all right okay practice would it be

00:28:07too much trouble to change that side salad to an entree and would you mind throwing a little salmon in

00:28:14there nosh uh can i have that on the side puppet dinner comes the salad is exactly how you ordered

00:28:22it

00:28:22right right take one bite and you send it back yes you send that back we never eat what we

00:28:31order ever

00:28:32ever ever you ready i think you remember everything i don't know let's let's take a walk with it then

00:28:42hi hi hi nice volvo thanks i just got it oh i got mine last year you know what volvos

00:28:48are the safest

00:28:49cars in the world and they last forever yeah no nascar get up tonight nascar why oh yeah no uh

00:28:56yeah i was

00:28:56gonna wear it tonight but uh the dry cleaner has it so where are you taking me well i thought

00:29:02because i

00:29:03didn't know what you were thinking so i made reservations for seven o'clock near first and hope

00:29:07it's near the music hall yeah and i don't know if you like jazz but smoky joe jefferson is playing

00:29:12at the fedora tonight so i got us tickets that sounds great great well the music hall is on grand

00:29:18and

00:29:18figueroa and i checked traffic the 101 is closed between barham and highland so you're probably

00:29:22gonna want to take that one to la cienega to the 10 to the 110 north and then get off

00:29:26on figueroa put on

00:29:27your seatbelt so after i graduated from penn i traveled everywhere started with southeast asia

00:29:35went through thailand cambodia burma i even lived in india for a month with the untouchables oh i love

00:29:41that movie sean connery sean connery is great at it so then after i volunteered as an aids relief worker

00:29:51in the sedan i just felt like i needed to use my finance degree to help people in third world

00:29:55countries relieve their debt so that's how i started working for the idrf wow and what about

00:30:01you obvi what's it like to be a doctor oh uh well yeah the hours are crazy and i'm on

00:30:11call 24 7 for

00:30:13emergencies and you know unfortunately you have to deal with a lot of crap but at the end of the

00:30:21day

00:30:21like you i love helping people when their plumbing gets backed up

00:30:29bonjour my name is claude i will be your seller this evening ah yes claude i'm feeling a bit of

00:30:36a draft here do you mind if we move to another table

00:30:49claude would you mind turning down the loud music and turning up the lights it's so dark in here i

00:30:55don't think i'd be able to read the menu it would be my pleasure sir but in the meantime let

00:31:01me tell you

00:31:01about our specials for an appetizer we have a scrumptious salad with gorgonzola candied walnuts

00:31:08pears cranberries and a honey dijon vinaigrette to die for would it be possible to change that appetizer

00:31:18salad to an entree and could you substitute feta for gorgonzola pecans instead of walnuts apples instead of

00:31:26pears and cranberries instead of raisins and the honey dijon vinaigrette

00:31:35can you put it on the side please in the scene else yes and i hope this isn't too much

00:31:40trouble but

00:31:41would you mind throwing a little salmon in there

00:31:45and for madame that sounds great avi i'll have the same thing

00:31:50yeah of course thanks mensch so did you always want to be a doctor no i you know i'm being

00:32:02being jewish i only had a few options become a doctor or become a lawyer become a banker manipulate

00:32:08the economy go into publishing manipulate the media god you are too much you're so cute

00:32:17turn your head for a second did you get a nose job no are you kidding me that's your real

00:32:23nose

00:32:24that's the hottest little jew beak ever

00:32:29and poor madwazelle

00:32:33that looks good

00:32:37and oh monsieur thank you claude this looks really good

00:32:46oh

00:32:50no oh i got i'm sorry i gotta send that back no no no no here you go thanks mensch

00:32:59oh and did they turn up the heat in here or what i am starting to schvitz

00:33:06yeah we should probably go if we're gonna make it on time oh yeah i can't wait i'll take this

00:33:13check here oh

00:33:15okay well let me just get claude over here for a second see if i can't zoom down on the

00:33:21check

00:33:32hey are you all right you seem a little you know quiet no i'm fine yeah

00:33:40you know allison i um i shouldn't even be saying this it's our first date but i really like you

00:33:49you know so if i seem weird or awkward or that's why i just i just hope that this is

00:33:58the first date

00:33:58of many more to come

00:34:08oh damn damn nobody plays jazz better than the schwarzes

00:34:21what's taking so long sorry sorry i am all manscaped trimmed to an eighth of an inch just how you

00:34:29like it

00:34:30like a prepubescent boy down there it's so exciting oh okay love you good night

00:34:41what are you doing aren't we gonna try and make a baby i just i've had such a long day

00:34:47at work and

00:34:49do you mind if we just you know skip the baby making you think it's ugly i think what's ugly

00:34:56it's

00:34:56okay it's fine i see a hundred of them a day i know it's ugly oh no no i think

00:35:03no i don't think

00:35:04that's ugly at all i think it's beautiful why don't you ever go down on me because i i can't

00:35:15get

00:35:15you pregnant like that oh no you're just making excuses i am not okay fine you want me to go

00:35:20down

00:35:20on you i'll go down on you i'm happy to go down on you what i knew it what's wrong

00:35:25i was gonna make

00:35:25a baby with my mouth what happened you turned off the light i well it was bright in here and

00:35:37we

00:35:37are going to bed oh come on i'm sorry oh leave me and my ugly vagina alone open the door

00:35:45honey oh my god

00:35:50it's ugly it's not your vagina it's all vagina what side of the family is this bro hey you've reached

00:36:01allison mark so you know what to do so do it hey allison it's obvi here i just want to

00:36:07tell you i had a

00:36:10to do it again so you've got the number call me bye

00:36:19hey you've reached all the marks you know what to do do it hey allison where's my jap at where's

00:36:26my

00:36:26jap obvi here um didn't hear back from you yesterday but i'm sure you were just busy

00:36:31me too long day of surgery at the hospital so driving home now thought i'd double up give you a

00:36:39call so you got the number call me back bye

00:36:48you know what to do so do it hey allison it's obvi um i don't know why you're not calling

00:36:55me back

00:36:56i thought we had a really great time the other night and um you know i i thought we had

00:37:02a real

00:37:02connection boss boss we need your head me and juan have been in mrs wasiski's all day boss we can't

00:37:09get this out of her vibes yeah see thank you doctors juan and ramon i will be to surgery in

00:37:16just a second

00:37:17boss i don't know what this lady ate but i never seen so much crap backed up in my life

00:37:23obvi alison hi do you want me to get a restraining order stop calling me

00:37:35oh look at this one isn't it beautiful what oh god a little warning please what is that a

00:37:43before and after photo yes isn't it amazing oh it's hard to believe it's the same vagina which one's your

00:37:49favorite oh i don't know you're the one who's gonna have to look at it for the rest of your

00:37:55life

00:37:55so come on pick oh do you like this one um maybe the uh

00:38:04pear blossom or the gentle tulip really honey yeah you like the pear blossom well that's the cheapest

00:38:14one there's nothing to it oh hold on hello all right relax relax what's going on you know what

00:38:26yes i can yes i can okay i'll meet you in 20 minutes all right babe i'm so sorry i

00:38:32i have to go what do

00:38:33you mean you have to go a friend has an emergency and i gotta go meet him who what friend

00:38:37he's a friend

00:38:38from grade school i gotta go you can't leave why can't i leave i don't know which one to get

00:38:42just get

00:38:43one of them right i mean like it's not that big of a deal you know it's a big deal

00:38:47i understand it's

00:38:49not that hard just go through it the gentle tulip midnight rain calla lily breeze la petite canyon

00:38:55oh stay away from venus flytrap that looks like a like a limp starfish and i don't want to be

00:39:00looking

00:39:00at that when i'm doing wonderful things to it i love you okay pick whatever you want any price kisses

00:39:09oh it's like my mom's wait wait wait she said stop calling you no no no she said if you

00:39:17call me

00:39:17again i'm gonna get a restraining order this is what kind of woman to dance naked and turn it up

00:39:22did you talk turn tell them to turn down the loud music and turn the lights up all right and

00:39:25you took

00:39:26something on the menu and altered it beyond all recognition i put salmon on it i sent it back

00:39:32jewel carla lap dances i did everything that you told me to do what went wrong did you throw in

00:39:39some

00:39:40yiddish yeah yeah yeah i told her that my puppet was stuff from the noshing and that i was schvitzing

00:39:45and i told smokey joe jefferson nobody plays jazz better than the schwarzes what you called him a

00:39:50schwarza yeah right to his face no wait is that bad yeah that's bad why didn't you teach me that

00:39:55okay i'm

00:39:56sorry that's only a jew to jew thing not a jew to them thing what the hell else did you

00:40:00say i said

00:40:01that she was the prettiest jap that i'd ever met and that she had the cutest little jew beak i'd

00:40:04ever

00:40:04seen and and i asked the waiter if i could zoom down on the check does any of this sound

00:40:10good wait i

00:40:11used to say that kind of stuff to rebecca hogan all the time yeah but she knew that you were

00:40:14joking

00:40:14that's different do you talk to each other like that no no we don't oh over it's done all right

00:40:20no it's

00:40:21not done you got me in this you're gonna get me out no i'm out you are in i'm out

00:40:24oh you are in

00:40:25oh oh you are in yes son of a

00:40:31marcy marks president of temple beth jacob wife of my rabbi and allison's mother

00:40:39she was also the principal of my hebrew school

00:40:44from what i know no man has ever been good enough for allison but if you can get that woman's

00:40:50seal of

00:40:50approval you might have a second chance i'll never forget the day i met her

00:40:58need some help

00:41:04if you touch my daughter and i'll wear your balls as earrings

00:41:13in

00:41:14all

00:41:15the

00:41:21I don't know what's going on.

00:42:11They've got to be kidding me.

00:42:14Shelby and I don't stand a chance.

00:42:15Honey, would you grab my stuff back there?

00:42:17Yes, yes.

00:42:17Thanks.

00:42:18Now, I'm telling you, the Fleischmans are unbeatable.

00:42:22Yes, goodbye.

00:42:25Honey, have you tried this caramel apple skim cappuccino?

00:42:28It is to die for.

00:42:33Fleischman.

00:42:34Why wouldn't he get me one of those caramel apple skim cappuccinos?

00:42:41Mom, I'm fine.

00:42:42The earthquake was all the way in Death Valley.

00:42:44I live in Los Angeles.

00:42:45What do you mean, I sound sick? I'm not sick.

00:42:47What do you mean, I sound sick? I'm not sick.

00:42:50Yes, if you send me multivitamins, I will take them.

00:42:53Good, good. Now tell me you love me.

00:42:55Huh?

00:42:55Every time we get off the phone with each other, we have to say I love you.

00:42:59You're kidding.

00:43:00No, I'm not kidding. Just do it.

00:43:02I love you, Mom.

00:43:03Perfect. I'll call you in two minutes.

00:43:05Okay, bye. Sorry, that was my mom.

00:43:08Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue with the interview?

00:43:12Oh, yes, please.

00:43:14Do you like cappuccino?

00:43:16Because I was just at Handle Bar Coffee and, um, they screwed up my order.

00:43:20I like caramel apple cappuccino.

00:43:22They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.

00:43:24Hmm. Sure, why not?

00:43:26Ha, great.

00:43:27Okay, you are single, 31 years old, unmarried, no children.

00:43:31Are you gay?

00:43:32No, no. Why?

00:43:33Well, then why aren't you married?

00:43:36Oh, believe me, Mrs. Marks, there is nothing that I would like more than to find a special

00:43:40young lady who shares my values and my beliefs.

00:43:44As a matter of fact, just a couple weeks ago, I was here at the mixer.

00:43:48I met a wonderful girl.

00:43:49We went out.

00:43:50We had a wonderful first date.

00:43:52I never heard from her again.

00:43:54Yes, well, finding that special someone is never easy, doctor.

00:43:58Ah, and especially for me.

00:43:59I just, you know, moved here from Skokie.

00:44:02And, uh, I'm busy with my practice, of course.

00:44:05And, uh, volunteering for Hadassah like I do.

00:44:08I'm sorry. Excuse me.

00:44:09Yes, Mom?

00:44:11Colonoscopy.

00:44:11Yes, I had my colonoscopy.

00:44:14Fiber.

00:44:14I do get plenty of fiber.

00:44:17Mom, I'm sorry, but I have to go, okay?

00:44:20I do. I love you.

00:44:23I love the way you wake up in the morning, and you're just always so fresh and bubbly,

00:44:27and then the sunlight comes...

00:44:28Too much! Too much!

00:44:29Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Bye.

00:44:31Okay. Sorry, that was my mom again.

00:44:33I must say that I find this very unusual, that a young, attractive, single doctor

00:44:38would walk in here by himself wanting to join this temple.

00:44:41Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?

00:44:43Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years, the rate of interfaith marriage

00:44:47amongst our people has risen from 7 to 40 percent?

00:44:50According to the AJC, by the year 2050, our people are gonna be completely wiped out.

00:44:54Now, I'm just one man. I can't stop it myself.

00:44:56But I'm not gonna sit here on the sidelines and watch it happen.

00:45:00That's what's going on.

00:45:08Wow.

00:45:09All right, I'll be right there.

00:45:15All right, all right.

00:45:17So you're in?

00:45:18Oh, yeah. I'm in. She's putty.

00:45:21Still going down Saturday, right?

00:45:22That's the plan. You mastered duplicate bridge yet?

00:45:25And rubber.

00:45:27That shit rings.

00:45:28You guys really eat that?

00:45:29The filter fish is mandatory.

00:45:31All right, I'm gonna put it in this drawer.

00:45:33Don't take it out till Saturday.

00:45:38Ugh.

00:45:40So good to see you.

00:45:42There's plenty of room over there.

00:45:45You guys, I want you to keep eyes forward and pay attention.

00:45:48You understand?

00:45:50Mercy.

00:45:51Avi, what a nice surprise.

00:45:54Surprise? I'm a new member here.

00:45:56You think I'm gonna miss my first Saturday morning service?

00:45:58Great to have you.

00:45:59Thank you. It's a beautiful purse.

00:46:01Orient, honey. Winter 2012.

00:46:03Really?

00:46:04I coveted this bag, and I got it.

00:46:08There's something about this that just...

00:46:10Wish me luck, lollipop.

00:46:11Honey, honey, you are gonna need it.

00:46:14Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.

00:46:17Oi.

00:46:17This is our newest member. I was telling you about Avi.

00:46:19Hi, I'm Avi Rosenberg.

00:46:20Welcome to Beth Jacob, Avi.

00:46:22Thank you, Rabbi.

00:46:22Has, uh, Marcy warned you about our little penis club?

00:46:25Oh, no.

00:46:27Uh, penis club?

00:46:27Eighteen years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah,

00:46:33dropped his trousers, and exposed himself to the congregation.

00:46:37That's messed up.

00:46:39Oh, it is messed up, Avi.

00:46:40What's even more messed up is that to this day, Adam's lewd act has become the rite of passage

00:46:45for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.

00:46:47In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993

00:46:52who hasn't shown his penis to the entire congregation.

00:46:55I've tried everything. They won't stop.

00:46:57I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.

00:47:01So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi, this ain't the temple for you.

00:47:06He gets excited.

00:47:08Avi, Shlomi and I are so embarrassed that on your very first Saturday morning service with us,

00:47:14you had to see.

00:47:16Genitals.

00:47:18And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple has a penis club won't make you consider joining elsewhere.

00:47:24Not at all. Not at all.

00:47:26What was the name of the young man who started it all? Adam Lipschitz?

00:47:30I hope I don't run into him, huh?

00:47:32Yes, don't we all?

00:47:33I've seen enough.

00:47:33What a freak.

00:47:35Excuse me, Rabbi. Would you like some fish?

00:47:37Oh, yes. Thank you, uh, Hymen.

00:47:46Oi.

00:47:47Wow.

00:47:49I have to say our people have invented a lot of lousy food, but gefilte fish might be the worst.

00:47:57My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible. Two bites. Wham, bam. Done.

00:48:10Shlomi, honey, are you all right?

00:48:12Go away!

00:48:13Dammit, Shlomo. I am coming in there.

00:48:15No, you don't want to see this. It'll change you.

00:48:17It changed me. I'm shitting relatives.

00:48:21Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, Cupcake, but I think I'm gonna have to bow out of

00:48:25the tournament.

00:48:25No, no, no, no, no, Shlomo. You are not doing any such thing. Now, this is the finals.

00:48:30If we have to take some sort of slop bucket, then so be it.

00:48:33I'm sorry, Lollipop, but we'll just have to wait another year to beat those damn flysters.

00:48:39Darn it. What tournament?

00:48:42What tournament?

00:48:43It is the NBLA Regionals. We are in the finals. It starts in three hours.

00:48:47Oh.

00:48:48But, well, I guess that I won't be going this year.

00:48:53I play bridge.

00:48:55Dear God, all I do is help you.

00:48:58I want to thank all of you for taking part in what is the world's greatest sporting event,

00:49:08Duplicate Bridge.

00:49:09Stand up, feel the sun. You know your time has come. All or not, it's time to feel alive.

00:49:23You're here, it's destiny, to claim your name.

00:49:27Give me a four of diamonds.

00:49:29Four of diamonds.

00:49:30Give me an eight of clubs.

00:49:31The eight of clubs.

00:49:32Give me an ace of spades.

00:49:34Ace of spades.

00:49:35And what is that spell?

00:49:37On it.

00:49:37Bridge, bitches!

00:49:39Oh, yeah!

00:49:40I'll die a walk away.

00:49:49Jack Trump, in your face!

00:49:54We have a two-way tie.

00:49:59That means sudden death.

00:50:01Oh, yeah!

00:50:02Oh, yeah!

00:50:03Oh, yeah!

00:50:04Oh, yeah!

00:50:04You've all been briefed on the rules.

00:50:06Three boards.

00:50:07Two out of three wins.

00:50:09Let's keep it clean.

00:50:12Begin!

00:50:26Yes!

00:50:26Rosenthal Martin's big one.

00:50:28Nothing.

00:50:31They're freaking me out a little bit.

00:50:33Just pay no attention.

00:50:34I've been playing with them for years.

00:50:36It's disturbing.

00:50:38Oh!

00:50:40Oh!

00:50:41Oh!

00:50:42Oh!

00:50:46Oh!

00:50:46I can do this, right?

00:50:47Trust me.

00:50:48No.

00:50:48It's over.

00:50:50Trump!

00:50:51Oh!

00:50:52What?

00:50:52Trump, baby!

00:50:53It's called Trump!

00:50:55It's called Trump!

00:50:56It's not Trump!

00:50:57You!

00:50:58You did it!

00:51:03There're the big winners over here!

00:51:05We beat the flashmen!

00:51:07We beat the flashmen!

00:51:08We beat the flashmen!

00:51:10We beat the flashmen!

00:51:11We beat the flashmen!

00:51:14Oh, you are amazing.

00:51:16We did it.

00:51:17We did it.

00:51:18Yeah.

00:51:19What's going on?

00:51:19Oh, honey.

00:51:20Honey, did you see us?

00:51:25Allison.

00:51:26Avi, what are you doing here?

00:51:28What, you two know each other?

00:51:30Yeah, this is the girl I told you about.

00:51:32We went on the date.

00:51:33She never called me back.

00:51:34How do you two know each other?

00:51:36That's my daughter.

00:51:37What?

00:51:38Your daughter?

00:51:39Mom, can I talk to you just for a second?

00:51:43Um, I met that guy at your last mixer.

00:51:46We went on a date, and he ended up being

00:51:48one of the strangest guys I've ever met.

00:51:51How can you possibly say that?

00:51:52I think he is wonderful.

00:51:54He asked our waiter if he could chew him down on the check,

00:51:57and then he said that I had a cute little jukeak.

00:52:00Oh, oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.

00:52:02He's very funny.

00:52:03Really?

00:52:04Okay.

00:52:04Well, then we went to a jazz club,

00:52:06and he stood up in front of everyone

00:52:08and said that Smokey Joe Jefferson was a schwarza.

00:52:11Well, he is one, isn't he?

00:52:12He is a psycho.

00:52:14I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?

00:52:16Oh, please.

00:52:17Now, come on.

00:52:18I mean, the man is a doctor.

00:52:19It's not like he has time to stalk.

00:52:21No, obviously, this is some sort of crazy coincidence

00:52:25that, you know, it's...

00:52:27Now, wait a minute.

00:52:30Actually, I don't...

00:52:32I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.

00:52:35No, I think that this just might be fate

00:52:39trying to get you two together.

00:52:42Wow.

00:52:43I have never heard you like this.

00:52:45All right, Allison, darling, listen to me.

00:52:47Now, you are 27 years old.

00:52:49And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?

00:52:52No.

00:52:52And why is that?

00:52:54Because I have never felt that anyone

00:52:56was good enough for you.

00:52:57Until now.

00:53:09What are you doing?

00:53:10What?

00:53:10I told you to let me get to the altar,

00:53:13look at me for 15 seconds,

00:53:14let the tension build,

00:53:15and then slowly pull my veil back.

00:53:18And where's the rabbi?

00:53:19Can somebody get him off the shitter?

00:53:21Okay, fine, whatever.

00:53:22Let's just keep going.

00:53:23No, we can't keep going.

00:53:24We have to keep doing it till we get it right.

00:53:26Adam, your timing was way off.

00:53:27I clocked you pulling back the veil

00:53:28after four seconds.

00:53:29Yeah, that's the least of our problems.

00:53:31You didn't even have tears in your eyes

00:53:32when you lifted up the veil.

00:53:33It's a rehearsal.

00:53:34Who cares if it's a rehearsal?

00:53:36Don't you love my daughter so much

00:53:37that you tear up every time you see her?

00:53:38I can't believe you're being so insensitive.

00:53:40Don't you know that she is still

00:53:42recovering from her surgery?

00:53:44Oh, by the way, Hannah has your new vag.

00:53:46Jill, stop talking about Hannah's vagina.

00:53:49Less ugly?

00:53:50Dennis!

00:53:51Dad!

00:53:51What?

00:53:52Pokey-poo?

00:53:52The Daniels are right.

00:53:54You really need to take this

00:53:55a little bit more seriously

00:53:56because we only have

00:53:57three more rehearsals left

00:53:58till the wedding.

00:53:59Megan, sweetie,

00:54:00your pedal throng's got

00:54:01a little bit sloppy and unfocused.

00:54:03Remember, it's three pedals per step.

00:54:06Screw it up again

00:54:07and you're both out.

00:54:10Okay, so let's take it from the poems.

00:54:12What?

00:54:13The poems?

00:54:14Yes.

00:54:14Oh, honey, you want to do that now?

00:54:16I thought that was going to be

00:54:17a surprise for the wedding day.

00:54:18It's going to be a surprise

00:54:19for the guests,

00:54:20but I need to see how you perform it

00:54:21so I can give you notes.

00:54:23Okay.

00:54:26Hannah.

00:54:27Yes?

00:54:28The day I met you,

00:54:29it was like a dream,

00:54:30even more thrilling

00:54:31than my father's new embroidery machine.

00:54:34Fine.

00:54:35Fine.

00:54:35My feelings towards you

00:54:36are so extreme

00:54:37that sometimes when I'm with you,

00:54:39I just...

00:54:40I just want to...

00:54:43scream.

00:54:44What grade is he in?

00:54:45The thought of being without you

00:54:46words can't explain.

00:54:47If you only knew

00:54:49what was going on

00:54:50inside my brain...

00:54:54Brain.

00:54:55Brain.

00:54:56Brain.

00:54:57I can't believe

00:54:58I'm about to spend

00:54:59the rest of my years

00:55:00with you.

00:55:02And in just a few minutes,

00:55:05I'm going to say the words

00:55:11I'm going to say the words

00:55:17I'm...

00:55:19What are you doing?

00:55:22I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:24What?

00:55:24Again?

00:55:25I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:27Finally, he says something true.

00:55:28What?

00:55:28I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:31I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:34I'm not ready to be a man.

00:55:36Adam!

00:55:37This is why I wanted to rehearse!

00:55:39What the f***?

00:55:41What are you doing?

00:55:42What does it look like I'm doing?

00:55:45No, no.

00:55:46I think we should...

00:55:46I think we should take it slow.

00:55:48You're kidding, right?

00:55:50No, no, because, um...

00:55:52sex, you know,

00:55:53has a way of complicating things,

00:55:54and I want to get to know you.

00:55:57I want to get to know the real you.

00:55:59I can't believe you're saying this.

00:56:00I've never met a guy

00:56:01who wanted to wait.

00:56:03That is so hot.

00:56:05Oh, shit.

00:56:08That's my phone.

00:56:13Hold on, hold on.

00:56:14Adam!

00:56:15Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:56:16Hannah?

00:56:18Who's Hannah?

00:56:22So, and I saw your commercial,

00:56:24so I went to the palace,

00:56:25and we've been hanging out ever since.

00:56:27He never said a word to us about this.

00:56:28God forbid he should tell us anything.

00:56:30Have you heard from him at all in the last week?

00:56:32No, no, I've been calling him, too.

00:56:34He hasn't returned any of my calls.

00:56:35What if he was murdered by the homeless meth heads?

00:56:38What if he was blown by a vampire?

00:56:40Did he say anything about Hannah,

00:56:42about the wedding?

00:56:42No, nothing.

00:56:44Daddy!

00:56:44You know what?

00:56:45He probably just got cold feet.

00:56:47I disappeared for six months before my wedding.

00:56:49Right, honey?

00:56:49Uh, that was me.

00:56:50Oh, that's right.

00:56:52How are you a doctor?

00:56:54Oh, God!

00:56:55He's gone forever,

00:56:56and I'm never gonna have a baby!

00:57:01Oh, God!

00:57:03I'm never gonna have a grandchild!

00:57:06Oh, God!

00:57:09No!

00:57:10God damn it!

00:57:11Do something, Bruce!

00:57:14Oh, no!

00:57:15Oh, no!

00:57:18No!

00:57:30Hello?

00:57:31Oh, no!

00:57:32What?

00:57:35No!

00:57:37Now, the doctors at the hospital

00:57:39referred you to Serenity Hills

00:57:41because they felt that Adam required

00:57:43a more intense, hands-on environment

00:57:46for his condition.

00:57:47His condition?

00:57:48Oh, Adam is suffering

00:57:50from a severe case

00:57:51of post-traumatic stress disorder.

00:57:53Oh, what the...

00:57:55I didn't do it.

00:57:55I just don't understand

00:57:57what could have caused all this.

00:57:58Not again.

00:57:59And your fault.

00:58:01Shh, honey.

00:58:01You can still change your mind.

00:58:06What the...

00:58:07Seems fine to me.

00:58:10Get him!

00:58:10He's smoking!

00:58:11Come on!

00:58:12Get him!

00:58:12Get back here!

00:58:14In a case like Adam's,

00:58:15who has a long history of panic attacks,

00:58:18it's not uncommon that he would reach

00:58:20what we refer to as the ha,

00:58:23or the hyper-aroused state.

00:58:28What we are watching

00:58:29is Adam attempting to isolate

00:58:32and detach from his feelings.

00:58:33Numbness.

00:58:34Numbing.

00:58:36Now, over the next 21 days...

00:58:3921 days?

00:58:39No, no, no.

00:58:39That is July 2nd.

00:58:40July 2nd is my wedding.

00:58:42We've got to get a matter quicker than that.

00:58:43I've got 200 grand in deposits.

00:58:45Do you have, like, an express service?

00:58:46Express service?

00:58:47This is our only son you're talking about!

00:58:49We're not putting him on some express service!

00:58:5121 days, and if you cannot give us that,

00:58:54then get him out of here!

00:58:55No!

00:58:56We can go swimming!

00:58:57I don't know!

00:58:58It's gonna be okay!

00:59:00Look, he looks better out of the ready!

00:59:01Is it just me,

00:59:02or does that dolphin look like him?

00:59:05You never did that with me!

00:59:07Ever!

00:59:08Give him time!

00:59:10Here's a nightmare!

00:59:11Fuck you, Adam!

00:59:13Fuck you!

00:59:15Johnny Williams, come on down!

00:59:19Oh, gosh.

00:59:20I've been seeing this since I was a kid.

00:59:21I'm from New Jersey!

00:59:22New Jersey!

00:59:23Wow.

00:59:24It's amazing they can still find humans

00:59:26who will actually appear in this show.

00:59:30I'm Salah Khan.

00:59:31I've been assigned to be your primary counselor.

00:59:37Look, if you don't want to talk,

00:59:38it's no problem.

00:59:39You don't have to talk.

00:59:41And these things take time.

00:59:43And I've got all the time you need.

00:59:47All right.

00:59:48Are you ready for some Paco?

00:59:50Okay, let's do it.

00:59:51Set that f*** out.

00:59:52Yeah.

00:59:53And give it a drop.

00:59:55Okay, all right.

00:59:56And have a good one.

00:59:57It takes a little tea time.

00:59:59Why is it that only fat people make it into the showdown?

01:00:02I don't know how it's going.

01:00:04Fine.

01:00:06You know, you want to sit there like a vegetable all day,

01:00:08pretend like you don't hear me,

01:00:10then go right ahead.

01:00:12But my job is to make you well again

01:00:15by having you face the traumatic events

01:00:17that have forced you into this state.

01:00:18So unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that,

01:00:22then I would save the $2,500 a day you're spending here

01:00:24and go check yourself into a hotel.

01:00:26Yeah, guys!

01:00:29All right, seat yourself.

01:00:30You stare all you like, little man.

01:00:38What did you just say?

01:00:42So anyway, the moil slips.

01:00:45A piece falls off.

01:00:46Hits me in the punim.

01:00:47I've been cockeyed ever since.

01:00:52So, Ami, Allison tells me you're from Skokie.

01:00:54Yeah, yeah.

01:00:55You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.

01:00:59Sorry, excuse me.

01:01:00Really?

01:01:01Yeah, we were practically neighbors.

01:01:03Your family's still there?

01:01:05Nope.

01:01:06Where they moved to?

01:01:07They moved.

01:01:08To heaven.

01:01:10Oh, I'm so sorry.

01:01:13When did they pass?

01:01:15They, um, they passed a few years back.

01:01:18I can't believe you never told me that.

01:01:20Well, it's hard to talk about.

01:01:22It's very raw.

01:01:23Why?

01:01:24What happened?

01:01:24A hunting accident.

01:01:25Oi.

01:01:26A hunting accident?

01:01:27They got shot by hunters.

01:01:29What were your parents doing wandering around

01:01:31where people were hunting?

01:01:32They weren't.

01:01:33They were, um, the hunters were hunting

01:01:35in our backyard.

01:01:36What were the hunters doing in your backyard?

01:01:38They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.

01:01:41And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies

01:01:44and, uh, the, um, the hunters mistook them for elk.

01:01:49Oh.

01:01:49What happened to the hunters?

01:01:50Were they arrested?

01:01:51No.

01:01:52They are still at large.

01:01:53You know what, Avi?

01:01:54The police chief in Skokie's an old friend of mine.

01:01:57I'm calling him tomorrow.

01:01:58We'll see if we can't help move things along.

01:02:01Huh.

01:02:02Uh, forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your...

01:02:04Can we talk about something else?

01:02:05Of course.

01:02:07I was watching TV last night.

01:02:09Um, Ten Commandments.

01:02:10Charlton Heston.

01:02:11What an actor.

01:02:12Not Jewish, you know.

01:02:14Who isn't?

01:02:16So I'm...

01:02:17I'm up there, and we're rehearsing these...

01:02:20these poems that we had written for each other.

01:02:24And...

01:02:25and...

01:02:25right at the part where I'm about to say I do,

01:02:29I just...

01:02:30I just cracked.

01:02:31Good, Adam.

01:02:33Do you remember how you were feeling in that very moment?

01:02:36No.

01:02:37I mean, I...

01:02:38I just...

01:02:40for a split second,

01:02:41I...

01:02:41I saw my entire life with Hannah flash before my eyes.

01:02:46And why did that scare you?

01:02:47Probably because...

01:02:50I...

01:02:50I don't think she's right for me.

01:02:53So then why are you marrying her?

01:02:55I don't know.

01:02:56You're avoiding the question, Adam.

01:02:58I think you do know.

01:03:00Now, what I want you to do is try to pinpoint the exact moment in your life

01:03:05where this pressure you're feeling originated.

01:03:11I was 12 years old.

01:03:15Stop staring at her, Adam.

01:03:17That is rude.

01:03:20You're cute.

01:03:21You stare all you like, little man.

01:03:24You are not,

01:03:25and you will never be,

01:03:26her little man.

01:03:28Why can't I be her little man?

01:03:29Because she's not Jewish.

01:03:30So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?

01:03:32That's right.

01:03:33Why?

01:03:33Because it's your responsibility to perpetuate our religion.

01:03:36Why?

01:03:36Because six million of our ancestors died and we owe it to them.

01:03:39Why?

01:03:39Because they're dead.

01:03:40So what does that have to do with me?

01:03:41Because you're Jewish.

01:03:42The fate of our entire religion depends on you.

01:03:45You.

01:03:46You.

01:03:47It depends on me.

01:03:49It depends on me.

01:03:50It's all right.

01:03:50It all depends on me.

01:03:52It's all right.

01:03:53It's all right, Adam.

01:03:54Oh, God.

01:03:56Oh, God.

01:03:57Oh, God.

01:03:58Oh, God.

01:03:59Adam, that was really good.

01:04:02Really good.

01:04:05I'm here.

01:04:15Hey, boss.

01:04:16Yeah, here.

01:04:21Ah, gracias.

01:04:22You're not soft hands.

01:04:24Uh, hey, boss.

01:04:25You remember that one time when you...

01:04:27Don't say a word.

01:04:30Hey, beautiful.

01:04:31How you doing?

01:04:32Just working.

01:04:33What are you doing?

01:04:33Oh, nothing.

01:04:34You know, just here at the hospital checking in on patients, patients, patients.

01:04:38What's up, baby?

01:04:39Well, I just spoke to my dad and he talked to the chief of police in Skokie.

01:04:43And there's no record of any Rosenbergs being shot and killed by hunters.

01:04:47Really?

01:04:47Yeah.

01:04:48In fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death in Skokie ever.

01:04:52So I went online to research it and I couldn't find anything.

01:04:55Allison, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but my parents were in the witness protection program.

01:05:03And when they were murdered, the FBI destroyed the records.

01:05:06What were they doing in the witness protection program?

01:05:11Jimmy Hoffa?

01:05:11What about Jimmy Hoffa?

01:05:13Look, I've said too much already.

01:05:14Do you understand?

01:05:15Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.

01:05:17I mean, we've been going out for a month and you never tell me that your parents were murdered by

01:05:21elk hunters.

01:05:22And now they're in the witness protection program.

01:05:24And on top of all that, I'm just starting to wonder if you might be gay.

01:05:27What?

01:05:28Gay?

01:05:29Gay.

01:05:29Whoa.

01:05:30Why would you think I'm gay?

01:05:32Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month and doesn't want to sleep with her?

01:05:35I do.

01:05:36I want to sleep with you.

01:05:37I just want it to be special.

01:05:40Ew, that is exactly what my Aunt Judy's husband told her right before they got married.

01:05:44And 20 years and two kids later, she walks in on him tied up with a rubber ball gag in

01:05:49his mouth being sodomized by a transsexual who was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

01:05:53Okay, and I am not going to turn out like my Aunt Judy.

01:05:58Okay, okay, okay.

01:05:59Listen, we will sleep together.

01:06:00I won't.

01:06:01Let's do this, baby.

01:06:02Really?

01:06:02Do you mean that?

01:06:03Oh, yeah.

01:06:04When?

01:06:04When are we going to have sex?

01:06:06Right after I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.

01:06:10What medical conference in Dallas?

01:06:12Remember I told you about that a couple of weeks ago.

01:06:15When are you leaving?

01:06:16Like in two hours.

01:06:19You know, when you in hell, maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabron.

01:06:31You know, Ruth, I'm looking at a bill here for $42,765.

01:06:37And considering we said we'd split all the wedding expenses, we need to go half-sies.

01:06:42How's your son going crazy at wedding expense?

01:06:45Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal, so I think a case could be made in a court of law.

01:06:50This is a wedding expense.

01:06:51Nice try.

01:06:52Nice try.

01:06:52He's got a well-documented, pre-existing condition.

01:06:55There's no way in hell we're paying for it.

01:06:56His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.

01:06:59Oh.

01:07:00Hey, are you implying that my daughter had something to do with Adam's freakout?

01:07:04Oh, she's not implying.

01:07:05She's saying.

01:07:06I had nothing to do with this.

01:07:08Oh, right.

01:07:08You're not insane.

01:07:09Everyone, please.

01:07:10We have worked very hard to get Adam to the point he is at in his therapy, and he has

01:07:15had a very tough time.

01:07:17But these last few days, he has truly managed to come from behind.

01:07:23Oh, God.

01:07:25Oh, God.

01:07:26What the?

01:07:27Oh, God.

01:07:28Oh, God.

01:07:28Mom.

01:07:29Dad.

01:07:30What are you doing?

01:07:32He never tried that with me.

01:07:34Hannah.

01:07:35All this.

01:07:36What is everybody doing here at the same time?

01:07:40Oh, God.

01:07:42So let me get this straight.

01:07:44You no longer want to get married to me because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?

01:07:49I know this must be a shock for everyone.

01:07:52But when Adam finally opened up to me, I don't know.

01:07:56We just clicked.

01:07:57What do you mean you just clicked?

01:07:59Arlene.

01:08:00We are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other.

01:08:03Sala.

01:08:04Please continue.

01:08:05By the way, you're fired.

01:08:07Well, I'm a Buddhist, and, you know, both of our religions were born out of struggle.

01:08:14So we both place emphasis on family, education, and hard work.

01:08:20And the intense pressure that Adam feels to marry within his people is the same pressure

01:08:25I feel to marry a Mongolian.

01:08:26So it's no wonder why we're able to connect.

01:08:30For 43 grand, you could have connected with every chick in Mongolia!

01:08:35Okay, Sala.

01:08:38Hypothetically speaking, if you two were to stay together and get married, how would you

01:08:46raise your children?

01:08:47Mom, do we have to get into this right now?

01:08:49Isn't that what this is for?

01:08:50Okay, well, the truth is, the truth is, the truth is, the truth is, the truth is, I don't

01:08:55know if I want to raise my kids Jewish.

01:09:01Oh, shit.

01:09:01Jesus, who are you?

01:09:06Was I not a good mother to you?

01:09:10When you were in kindergarten and you wanted the little trampoline that could poke your eye

01:09:13out, who got you the trampoline that could poke your eye out?

01:09:16I did.

01:09:18And when you were in fifth grade and you wanted to take karate lessons in Chinatown, who drove

01:09:24you there three nights a week and sat in the parking lot, all alone, in the dark?

01:09:29I did.

01:09:31Okay.

01:09:31And do you know why?

01:09:33Because you're my son.

01:09:36And I love you.

01:09:40And how do you show your love for me?

01:09:44Well, you have doggy-style sex with your Mongolian therapist on your wedding day!

01:09:50And then you say to me, hey, Mom, I'm not sure if I want to raise my kids Jewish!

01:09:59Oh, Adam, that's fine!

01:10:01That's fine!

01:10:01Just save the knife!

01:10:03Just save the knife and kill me, Adam!

01:10:05Mom, stop it!

01:10:07Oh, okay, Adam, so you're saying that our entire time together meant nothing to you?

01:10:17We never hit you!

01:10:18We never fondled you!

01:10:19I got liberty!

01:10:20Can you?

01:10:21For you!

01:10:22Honey, honey, I think we dodged a bullet.

01:10:24Yeah, she seems nice.

01:10:25I mean, you better get a good lawyer, freak boy, because I'm suing your ass off!

01:10:30Okay, this!

01:10:31This!

01:10:32Right here!

01:10:34You wanna know why I went nuts?

01:10:36It's because all of you are nuts!

01:10:39And I'm sorry that I can't marry you, but it's better that we end this right now rather

01:10:44than dragging this on for a long time.

01:10:48And, Mom, I'm sorry that you had to do things that you didn't want to do.

01:10:52But you know what?

01:10:53So did I!

01:10:54I joined the family business and became the embroidery prince!

01:10:58Well, how happy can a man be?

01:11:00And to top it off, I've never dated a woman who wasn't Jewish my entire life!

01:11:05Well, you know what?

01:11:06I'm not doing things for you guys anymore, huh?

01:11:08I'm doing things for me, because I love Sala.

01:11:12Sala.

01:11:12And she's Mongolian.

01:11:15And that's pretty cool.

01:11:18I love you, too.

01:11:20Oh, God.

01:11:23Are you gonna be paying by cash or check?

01:11:27With this technique, the thematic skin is allowed to stay intact.

01:11:32And finally, the neocrossing crush.

01:11:35By using the terra clamp, the skin is crushed for around ten days until it suffocates and dies.

01:11:42With this technique, the skin bonds without needing sutures.

01:11:46This is tough, though.

01:11:47Yeah.

01:11:48I mean, you gotta love the dorsal slit, right?

01:11:51Because the phomotic skin stays intact.

01:11:52But on the other hand, with the sleeve resection, I got the widest variety of scarring options.

01:11:57What do you think?

01:11:59Honestly, I'm kind of partial to the temporary crush.

01:12:01You know, you get all the benefits of the sleeve resection, but you get that pump action of the Agamco

01:12:06device there.

01:12:07Yeah, yeah.

01:12:07Plus, it reduces your shmegma by, like, 75%.

01:12:11It does?

01:12:11Yeah.

01:12:12Done.

01:12:12Sold.

01:12:14Going with the temporary crush, boy.

01:12:16Knock, knock.

01:12:17Snip, snip time, Mr. O'Connell.

01:12:20Oh.

01:12:22Here we go.

01:12:23Is this your life partner?

01:12:25Who?

01:12:25No.

01:12:26No, no, no, no, no.

01:12:27No life partnering here.

01:12:28No.

01:12:28That would be weird.

01:12:29Okay.

01:12:29Not that that's weird at all, but just, you know.

01:12:31Okay, Mr. O'Connell.

01:12:33So, me going to turn this little knobby here on.

01:12:35And you're going to just slowly drift away.

01:12:38They want you to breathe, relax, enjoy it.

01:12:44Breathe in.

01:12:45Breathe in.

01:12:46I'm scared.

01:12:47Yeah, I have nothing to be afraid of, boy.

01:12:49Nurse Boo is going to sing you a little ditty and make you feel all better.

01:12:53Oh.

01:12:53When I was only eight days old, hurrah, hurrah, a billy billy billy bum.

01:12:59When I was only eight days old, hurrah, hurrah, a billy billy billy.

01:13:04The lawyer came with his big knife.

01:13:06I thought he was going to take my life, but he only took a little bit off the top.

01:13:12Little bit off the top.

01:13:14Top, top.

01:13:15Little bit off the top.

01:13:18Top.

01:13:19Top.

01:13:19Easy there, Mr. O'Connell.

01:13:22Next time, don't trust your circumcision to an HMO.

01:13:34I think she's nice.

01:13:35I just, I can't believe that you're doing all of this just so you don't have to make any more

01:13:39decisions.

01:13:40Oh, Adam, you don't get it.

01:13:43All those things that you say drive you crazy, I love.

01:13:46I love that your parents smother you.

01:13:49I love that if they hear about a tornado in Kansas, they call you, even though you live in Los

01:13:55Angeles.

01:13:56Yeah, we're very nervous people.

01:13:57And I love the fact that you email each other your itinerary just because, because you never know, you know?

01:14:04No.

01:14:06You never know.

01:14:07Never know.

01:14:08And for the past 5,000 years, every civilization, every culture has tried to have you guys annihilated.

01:14:14Yeah, we are not liked.

01:14:15I like you.

01:14:16We like you're getting the...

01:14:17It's going to all make sense now.

01:14:20Muhammad al-Sheikh al-Sheen al-Sheikh is up here.

01:14:24Now, he's going to come up here, and then we got Muhammad al-Sheikh.

01:14:28No.

01:14:29Stop that.

01:14:32O'Connell here, speak up.

01:14:34Hi, Daddy.

01:14:34It's your son Christian.

01:14:35What you doing?

01:14:36I'm in Tahiti.

01:14:37Having myself a Mai Tai.

01:14:38What the hell do you think I'm doing?

01:14:41Fighting terrorists?

01:14:42Spreading democracy?

01:14:43Yeah.

01:14:44Dad, guess what I'm doing?

01:14:45Oh, I'm here with Adam Lipschitz.

01:14:46You remember him?

01:14:47Adam Lipschitz?

01:14:48Didn't I order you to stay away from that boy?

01:14:50No, Daddy.

01:14:51We're life partners.

01:14:52Sir, that's inaccurate, sir.

01:14:54Life partners?

01:14:55Now, what the hell is life partners?

01:14:56Life partners.

01:14:57He's just a homo, Dad.

01:14:58What?

01:14:58I call her to what?

01:15:00A homo?

01:15:01Yeah, we're here at the hospital, you know, because he's with me so I can get circumcised,

01:15:06sir.

01:15:06What?

01:15:06Not for me, though.

01:15:08Circumcised.

01:15:09Circumcised?

01:15:10Yeah, so I can be a Jew, Daddy.

01:15:11You can be a Jew?

01:15:13Daddy, I want to tell you something, too, because I don't think I've ever told you this before.

01:15:16We never say this, but I love you, Daddy.

01:15:19I love you.

01:15:22Hi.

01:15:22Ow!

01:15:23Sorry.

01:15:24You know, I'm glad we're hanging out again, but I kind of feel like something's missing.

01:15:29A little bit off the top.

01:15:31Ow!

01:15:31Top.

01:15:33Allison?

01:15:38Want to have sex?

01:15:45Not really.

01:15:47Ah!

01:15:49Ah!

01:15:50Clear right!

01:15:51Clear right!

01:15:51Didn't I order you to keep your son away from my son?

01:15:56Excuse me.

01:15:57Don't you play dumb with me, shit libs?

01:16:01Buck O'Connell?

01:16:03Oh, jeez.

01:16:04Your Adam has turned my Christian into some gay Jew.

01:16:10Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:16:11Buck, slow down.

01:16:12What are you talking about?

01:16:14They're live partners.

01:16:17Live partners?

01:16:19Wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:16:20What makes you think this?

01:16:22He called and told me while he was in hospital with your Adam

01:16:27that he was about to get his package up so they could be gay Jews together.

01:16:35And then he told me, Dad, I love you.

01:16:39What the hell is going on, huh?

01:16:42Oh, Dennis, we pushed him too far, and he snapped.

01:16:47With all the pressure that we put on him to marry a Jewish girl, the Asian wasn't enough,

01:16:51and then he went the other way.

01:16:55Okay, Buck, first of all, you look fantastic.

01:16:59Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

01:17:00Take it easy, old man.

01:17:01No, but second of all, I mean, I'm having a hard time believing any of this.

01:17:05Oh, yeah?

01:17:06Where's your boy right now?

01:17:09Buddy, I'm so happy you're here.

01:17:11And now you're helping me with this, I don't know what I would do without you.

01:17:13You really need me to do this again?

01:17:15I gotta be honest.

01:17:16I don't know if I can get through another gauze pass.

01:17:18And how many times a day do you have to do it?

01:17:20Oh.

01:17:21Really, I can't do this myself.

01:17:22Please come and do it.

01:17:23God.

01:17:24Come on, just help me.

01:17:25Okay.

01:17:25Come here.

01:17:26Put some of that jelly on it and let's get going.

01:17:29Okay.

01:17:30I may gag a little as we're going here.

01:17:32That's okay.

01:17:33Oh, God.

01:17:33More Vaseline!

01:17:35No, no, no, no, no!

01:17:36What?

01:17:37Oh, God!

01:17:38Oh, God!

01:17:39Walk in high!

01:17:40Drop the petroleum jelly and back away from my son's anus.

01:17:46Holy shit.

01:17:49I knew it.

01:17:49Don't shoot him, Dad.

01:17:51Mom?

01:17:51Adam!

01:17:52Dad!

01:17:52Damn it, Adam!

01:17:53Jelly's for toast!

01:17:57Allison, I'm not a Jew and I'm not a doctor.

01:18:00And my name is not Avi Rosenberg.

01:18:02Well, then who the hell are you?

01:18:03I'm Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

01:18:06I'm a plumber.

01:18:08Look, when I met you at the mixer, I begged my friend Adam here to help me pass myself off

01:18:13as a Jew so that you'd be able to date me.

01:18:16Penis Club?

01:18:17Allison, how's it going?

01:18:19Marcy.

01:18:19Don't you even look at me.

01:18:21Rabbi, I'm so sorry.

01:18:22You.

01:18:23Penis Club.

01:18:23Before Adam came along, I watched NASCAR, and I had the heads of dead animals that I'd hunted and killed

01:18:28myself on my wall, and I had no idea that when you order a salad at a restaurant, you can

01:18:32order the dressing on the side, let alone custom-create your own dishes off the menu.

01:18:36What the hell are you talking about?

01:18:38I fed your seeds of salad.

01:18:39Jews can custom-create their own dishes off the menu.

01:18:42They're always up to something.

01:18:44No, I can hear you.

01:18:46That's why I messed up our date so bad, because I wasn't being myself.

01:18:49And then Adam told me the only way I'm ever going to be able to get you back is if

01:18:52I could convince your mom that I was the greatest guy in the world.

01:18:56So that's why I poisoned your dad with the rotten gift of Phil to fish, because I wanted to partner

01:19:01with your mom in the bridge tournament.

01:19:03You're the reason I've been on the toilet for three days becoming a raisin?

01:19:06All right.

01:19:06Now, we finally beat the Fleischmann, Shlomi, so just leave it alone.

01:19:10Was there ever a medical conference in Dallas?

01:19:13No.

01:19:13I just needed time to recover from the circumcision.

01:19:16Oh.

01:19:17Oh, geez.

01:19:18On the what?

01:19:18You wouldn't mind having circumcision.

01:19:20Why would you do all that?

01:19:22Because I love you.

01:19:24Allison, I love you.

01:19:35And I want...

01:19:36I want you to make every decision for me for the rest of my life.

01:19:40Will you do that?

01:19:41So I'm just supposed to forget about everything you just said because you love me?

01:19:46Yes, please.

01:19:49Son, stop this hollering and just propose to the girl.

01:19:54Don't put the tongue in.

01:20:00Well, that haircut is awful.

01:20:02So let me make an appointment for you with my guy, because he's the best.

01:20:07I should take that as a yes, huh?

01:20:09Yes.

01:20:09I'll take that as a yes.

01:20:12Aww.

01:20:13Mazata!

01:20:15Show me we've got a plumber.

01:20:16Christian Thaddeus Reginald MacArthur O'Connell.

01:20:21Rosenberg.

01:20:21Now that's a nice Jewish name.

01:20:27We are so thrilled that you finally decided to come on a moose hunt with us.

01:20:32I can't wait to kill me a ten pointer.

01:20:34I'm gonna skin him and gut him and pull out his rectum.

01:20:36Shhh.

01:20:36Nobody is pulling out anybody's rectum here.

01:20:38That's what they do.

01:20:39No, no, no.

01:20:40Listen to me, Shlomi.

01:20:41That would be a disgusting thing to do.

01:20:42Think of it.

01:20:43You could be more of it.

01:20:43Coli.

01:20:44You could get bacterium.

01:20:45There are no wipes here that I can see.

01:20:47Shut up!

01:20:49Stop the convection!

01:20:52Mercy.

01:20:53Yama come in.

01:20:53Take a knee.

01:20:54Knee.

01:20:56Oh.

01:20:57Crimp.

01:20:58Careful.

01:20:59Not like that.

01:21:01For God's sake.

01:21:04I remember when my father took me out for my first hunt.

01:21:08We all felt like crazy over who's gonna be the lucky one to pull out that rectum.

01:21:14Ah.

01:21:14That's what they do?

01:21:15Oh, thank you.

01:21:16Nog, baby.

01:21:17Damn right.

01:21:19Nog, baby.

01:21:20Aw, daddy loves mama's nog.

01:21:23Nog, baby.

01:21:25I'm not really much of a nog guy.

01:21:27You know, the dairy kinda makes my acid reflux kick in.

01:21:30And I'm not even sure if the eggs are cage-free.

01:21:32So I don't feel safe.

01:21:33One sip won't kill me, I guess.

01:21:37Nog, baby.

01:21:38Oh, yeah.

01:21:44Ah!

01:21:45Ah!

01:21:46Oh, yeah!

01:21:48Uh, N-Nar-Nar in the tongue and, uh, uh, Javine-Net, uh, whatever.

01:21:56My wife and I, we want to thank you for your hospitality.

01:21:58And for these beautiful hats.

01:22:05My father says it's an honor to have you as part of our family.

01:22:09And they've learned a great deal of wisdom from all of you this week.

01:22:15My mother says you're gonna love the fried marmot.

01:22:18It's a speciality.

01:22:19Oh!

01:22:19Dennis, did you hear that?

01:22:20We're gonna have fried marmot.

01:22:21Hooray!

01:22:22We discussed at home.

01:22:23I can have fried food once every few months.

01:22:25It's not gonna-

01:22:25I'm not saying that you shouldn't have fried food.

01:22:28I just-

01:22:28Well, then what are you saying?

01:22:29Let's just eat it.

01:22:30Oh, maybe a little Mongolian barbecue or something.

01:22:32That could be okay.

01:22:33Hooray!

01:22:34Hooray!

01:22:35Just eat when they order.

01:22:36We don't wanna be rude.

01:22:37Is it kosher?

01:22:38I don't know.

01:22:38And by the way-

01:22:39We're not even kosher.

01:22:40Why do you care?

01:23:06We're not even kosher.

01:23:07Why do you care?

01:23:16I was depressed.

01:23:18I was self-conscious.

01:23:21I realized that my God-given vagina wasn't the vag I wanted God to give me.

01:23:26Hi, I'm Dr. Bill Ginsberg, founder of Vagina Beautiful.

01:23:30Our state-of-the-art surgical procedures will transform your va-va-blah into a va-va-lah.

01:23:37Call now for your free, no-obligation color book featuring my original designs.

01:23:44Our team of expert vaginacologists will transform your caterpillar into a butterfly.

01:23:50Dr. Ginsberg turned my Grand Canyon into Le Petit Canyon and forever changed my life.

01:23:58In fact, I was such a satisfied client that I became one of the doctors here.

01:24:05And my wife.

01:24:08Gift yourself the vag that you deserve.

01:24:11Don't let your labia interfere with your life.

01:24:14Call now.

01:24:15855-VAG-4U.

01:24:17Oh, sweet love, there were peace and harmony.

01:24:26Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:24:34I had a dream.

01:24:37I had a dream.

01:24:38Not a dream for myself, but for all that you can.

01:24:42I had a dream.

01:24:45I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel all together.

01:24:49Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:24:56Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:02Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:06Oh, odyssey.

01:25:07Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:18Oh, sweet love, peace and harmony.

01:25:18Oh, sweet love, boy.

01:25:19Oh, sweet love with bitches.

01:25:31Oh sweet love

01:25:37Oh sweet love

01:25:40Peace and harmony

01:25:40Oh sweet love

01:25:44Peace and harmony

01:25:47Oh sweet love

01:25:52Peace and Harmony

01:25:56Peace and Harmony

01:26:02Peace and Harmony

01:26:07Peace and Harmony

01:26:11Peace and Harmony

01:26:22You

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