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00:00Fresh off the heels of a terrible first season, somehow we are back.
00:13The characters are as self-involved as always.
00:15I can't believe that Lily's perfect pink Chanel is just out there online.
00:19My mother-in-law and her sorority sisters are coming over for afternoon tea.
00:22I remember how the little strap just fell off Lily's shoulder.
00:27Is this guy hot enough to be one of my hot fellas?
00:31SJP is still holding on to that no nudity, missionary-style only clause for dear life
00:37while the other ladies have to bear it all, and in the first episode, no less.
00:41Kind of reminds me of the Atlantic City episode.
00:43There in the middle of my two great loves were Miranda's two great breasts.
00:51Why not just show me yours and get it over with?
00:53Chae and Miranda are as annoying and chemistry-less as ever.
00:58Charlotte is now in her rich mom era.
01:01I am looking for this Chanel dress.
01:03Is it at this location?
01:05I don't know.
01:06Well, maybe you could look here in this little computer.
01:10Spelled lipstick in your Valentino bag.
01:12Oh, you spilled lipstick in my Valentino bag.
01:15And these appointed POC slash gay side characters are doing their duty supporting their respective
01:21white main characters.
01:23Everything is business as usual.
01:25Okay, so Carrie, the sex columnist, always seems to pick and choose when she wants to be a sex columnist.
01:41My columns are about relationships, and when I do write about, it's just words.
01:44I write about sex, not love.
01:45What do I know about love?
01:46I write about sex.
01:47I write porn, and I'm the sex columnist.
01:48Here, Carrie's non-problem is that she can't save Ina in an ad.
01:53Ever feel not quite right down there?
01:56Okay.
01:57I'm feeling not quite right up here.
01:59What is this?
02:00Call it a vajayjay.
02:01What?
02:02Okay, fine.
02:02Then get Cupcake to do it.
02:04My vagina, my vagina, my vagina.
02:06Carrie gets yelled at to just read the damn script, and she even drags her unrealistically
02:11supportive F-Buddy into the mix, but she still doesn't do it and ends up ruining the entire
02:16podcast.
02:17I hope you're happy now everyone's out of work.
02:20Now, I dislike Carrie as much as the next avid SATC fan, but I don't buy that she single-handedly
02:27caused this podcast to perish just because of one ad.
02:30It already sucked.
02:31So, this show, which is being broadcast during the height of inflation, climate change, skyrocketing
02:44rents, canceled student loan relief, and a select few megalomaniacal people working diligently
02:49behind the scenes to make us non-white, non-straight, non-rich, non-male citizens as miserable as
02:55possible on a daily basis, is giving us rich people problems in each episode.
02:59Seema's biggest issue for one episode was, no joke, having her Birkin bag stolen.
03:14Relatable.
03:15She later ends up randomly finding it in a bush.
03:19Wow, so glad that time problem resolved itself.
03:22Then she has issues with her hairdresser that also get instantly resolved.
03:25It's also pretty clear that she's Samantha's stand-in, and it just does not work.
03:32The Birkin storyline was a complete rip-off of Samantha trying to snag one for Lucy Liu.
03:36And the same with her punny clapbacks.
03:39I pay you to blow me, not shrink me.
03:41I paid good money expecting to be eaten out.
03:43Charlotte is complaining about a Chanel dress that Lily can't even fit anymore.
03:47And the only reason Lily sold it, along with the other clothes that she probably can't
03:52fit or, ooh, here's a concept, doesn't like.
03:55Not everybody wants to wear pussy bows and mutton-chopped sleeves, Charlotte.
04:00Oh, where was I?
04:01Right.
04:02She sold her clothes to buy a Nord keyboard that her parents refused to purchase.
04:06You're on your own, kid.
04:07Why not, though?
04:08They're clearly saving money by shoving both of their spoiled kids in one room.
04:12This doesn't stop Charlotte from carrying out on some girl making minimum wage at the
04:17not-real-real trying to track down the dress.
04:20Listen, Eden, my husband is a partner at a major New York law firm, so you might want
04:26to watch your tone or I'm going to call your manager.
04:29But should I really be surprised considering this is the same woman who let this gem slip
04:33out of her face?
04:34It's really only $450,000.
04:37Bitch, what the fuck?
04:38Then we have this not Met Gala, Met Gala.
04:42We see Charlotte and LTW getting fitted for dresses.
04:46Relatable.
04:47Anthony, fulfilling his role as the new expendable gay friend, rest in peace, Danny.
04:52Ow.
04:54After you, first of all.
04:56Ow.
04:57Gets jerked around regarding his invite until Charlotte decides to invite him at the last
05:01minute.
05:02I'm going to the Met Ball!
05:04Oh no, LTW's useless husband want to-
05:06And then she forgot to book her car.
05:09Now she has to walk to the event in this Valentino gown.
05:13Oh no.
05:13Carrie's dress designer for the Not Met Gala is having issues with this bedspread she's
05:18trying to repurpose into a dress.
05:20So Carrie has to wear her trauma-laden Vivian Westwood wedding dress instead.
05:24I can't do this now.
05:27Oh no, Miranda got saline solution in her eyes while she was in the sensory deprivation tank
05:32and now she's stumbling out, lamenting her new life.
05:35The new me.
05:36Oh no, Che doesn't like the stupid outfit they're being pressured to wear for a show they don't
05:41deserve and their narcissistic boss is trying to make them dress like a clown so they can
05:45match.
05:45And oh no, Tony Danza can't play Che's Mexican dad on the show they somehow got even though
05:50they're not funny at all.
05:51Relatable!
05:58So they offed Chris Noth for essay allegations but brought back Bobby Lee.
06:04Okay.
06:06He and his wife also have zero chemistry but then again he did admit to being a teenager
06:11so that would turn me off too.
06:12She will not stop calling me.
06:14Well, maybe she wants her credit card back.
06:16Nah, she's not old enough to qualify for credit yet.
06:19Nah, she's not old enough to qualify for credit yet.
06:21So I walked down her alley and the girl at the end of this alley looked like Natalie Poorman.
06:25Oh, okay.
06:25Yes, and then we went to this place at the Miami Hotel and I made love to her, right?
06:29The moon threw the curtains shine on her face.
06:30She was right.
06:31And I feel so bad that I called her afterwards.
06:33Wow.
06:33She couldn't get over with.
06:34I'm still a piece of verbiage.
06:36Plus he's like 20 years older than the actress who plays her.
06:39Also, the woman who designed this dress is dressing Carrie for this big huge fake event.
06:46Okay, well then fine.
06:47Let's bring back the purse lady from season six.
06:49I'm sure she's designing something for Bitsy.
06:52I cut off my bedspread for this.
06:58Naya has a cheating ass husband who is currently treating her like a side piece.
07:08Hey, Andre.
07:09Turn on your FaceTime.
07:10We're talking now.
07:11We don't need a FaceTime, babe.
07:12Turn it on.
07:13Turn it on now.
07:14Isn't it late there?
07:15I miss you, baby.
07:17I'm wearing those panties you like.
07:18No, don't put the phone down there.
07:19I'm going to put it down there, baby.
07:21Stop.
07:21I'm not alone.
07:23Who's there with you?
07:27Wait a minute.
07:28Who the fuck is that bitch?
07:29That's Heidi.
07:31A backup singer.
07:32I'm helping her write songs.
07:33And is desperate to turn a woman, any woman, into a single mother.
07:37I want us to work out.
07:39Do you have a plan for how that's going to happen?
07:42A surrogate.
07:43Baby.
07:44I guess his reasoning is it's not cheating if you want a baby.
07:47Nothing happened yet.
07:49The all-white writer's room drew inspo from one of the only black films they've ever seen.
07:53He told me he hasn't cheated on me yet.
07:58He suggests a surrogate.
08:01I need you to be the background in my foreground.
08:04That's it.
08:05Because motel girl plus the surrogate equals I'm done.
08:09You're the only one who will tolerate your smug ass.
08:15Bye-bye patchouli incense.
08:17Lame ass mixed media homage to Nubian women made of Korean weave hair.
08:22Get your s***.
08:24Hey, get out.
08:25LTW's husband is the phrase weaponized incompetence in human form.
08:30Honey, where's my tie?
08:32She finds the tie in like two seconds.
08:34Honey, you're doing too much work.
08:36Oh, so you're going to take over some of my tasks?
08:39Nope.
08:40Here, let me lick your s***.
08:41Which is mostly for me, so you feel less stressed out.
08:44Oh, that didn't work?
08:46You're still stressed out?
08:47Well, that's all I got.
08:48Even though Harry isn't bothering me, he's still just there.
08:53Luckily, his biggest offense for me is looking like the planter's peanuts mascot for the not-met gala.
08:59And Steve...
09:00Right.
09:07Oh my god, this f***ing is so...
09:10Charlotte and Lisa are literally cr***ing themselves over this damn milf list.
09:15They're squealing about minors wanting to smash them.
09:18We're number two and three!
09:20Oh, but it gets worse.
09:24Because then Edward Cullen walks past and the moms start throbbing.
09:33You know Sam Taylor Johnson is somewhere going,
09:38See, it's not just me.
09:40Clearly these women are so bored that they can't even be bothered to ogle each other's husbands.
09:45So they moved on to minors.
09:48Isn't this basically the storyline they were going to give Kim in the third movie that made her nope out for good?
09:58Cynthia Nixon is putting in overtime hours to erase the original Miranda from existence.
10:04Normally level-headed type A Miranda falls in love with one unfunny stud and now she's basically become Carrie when she was manically chasing after Big.
10:14Yours truly is going to California.
10:16I may have to move to Paris.
10:17I had no idea.
10:19No idea at all.
10:20I didn't want to say anything until it was real.
10:22When did you plan on telling me?
10:24When I knew more. Nothing's definite.
10:26Oh, and you hooked up with a friend of ours.
10:28Melvin?
10:29Melvin de Gallo?
10:30Hey there, stranger.
10:34Surprise.
10:35It's your new favorite person with your favorite cookies.
10:39Bonjour.
10:40VoilĆ le franchotte.
10:41VoilĆ le franchotte.
10:43I had no idea you're actually married.
10:45Technically.
10:46You were married?
10:47Well, I told you.
10:48No, you didn't.
10:50I'm just hoping that this is one giant manic episode and once Miranda comes down, she'll take her ass back to NYC and stay there.
10:59Miranda and Che also have no chemistry.
11:05It is one of my biggest pet peeves to see two people fail at convincing me that they're kissing, let alone screwing.
11:13This was apparent in that strap scene.
11:15I guess Miranda's curiosity when Sam used one on Maria was foreshadowing.
11:19Why does this s*** on work exactly as it felted?
11:22Don't you think Miranda's they-them friend should have, I don't know, helped her with it if she was into her?
11:27They could have even laughed about it and had a cute moment, but instead Che's like,
11:31B***h, hurry up, I'm booked and busy.
11:33Can we move this along? I've got a set at the comedy store at 9.
11:36Okay, you've got at least 10 more minutes.
11:38Miranda practices mind control on yet another black woman so she could sneak her phone into Che's taping.
11:43Yes ma'am, let me have your phone.
11:45Phone goes in his pouch.
11:47Huh?
11:47Phone goes in his pouch.
11:51Okay, go ahead.
11:52You've got to stop that baby from crying.
11:56I brought you something.
11:58It helps.
11:59I am the professor.
12:01You're the professor?
12:02Why do you seem so surprised?
12:03Well, you're brave.
12:05A law professor can't have hair like mine?
12:07Why is that?
12:07Miranda's phone goes off because, duh, of course it did.
12:15All she had to do was put it on silent mode.
12:17Androids have silent mode, Miranda.
12:20Che is pissed, obviously, because Miranda ruined the scene.
12:24Miranda finally acts like someone with some sense and decides to go back to New York
12:29to console her whiny-ass son who just got his heart broken overseas.
12:32Che doesn't give a single damn, even though Ron Weasley is the reason that they met.
12:39I've never heard him cry like that.
12:40It scared me.
12:42And hopefully I'll beat Brady home.
12:43I'm sorry, you're leaving L.A.?
12:44It's a kid and it's a breakup and it's part of life.
12:48And I'm still a piece of garbage.
12:50Then Miranda lies to Che and says, I mean, yells that the show will be huge.
12:56The show is going to be huge.
12:58On this installment of And Just Like Ass, Carrie wears a giant tortilla chip on her head.
13:07Nice hat.
13:09Then she has a chance encounter with Lance Armstrong.
13:12Steve returns.
13:14Hey.
13:16Hey.
13:19Charlotte becomes a stage mom.
13:23Miranda continues simping.
13:24And Che gets ratioed by a focus group.
13:37Miranda's manic episode continues as she navigates life during divorce.
13:42She wakes up to a shirtless Steve taking out all of his anger on a newly acquired punching bag,
13:47pretending it's Miranda's head.
13:48Ron Weasley, who was literally just snot bubble crying on the phone to his mommy in Amsterdam,
13:57has gone right back to being an insufferable little shit.
13:59Do those headphones work?
14:01Obviously not if I can hear you.
14:03So Miranda's only respite comes in the form of a text message from her stupid they-them friend.
14:09But her joy is sucked away when the family convenes for therapy.
14:12It's kind of off topic, but I'm not going to start college in the fall.
14:16Brady announces that he wants to skip college and stay home for a few years
14:20so he can keep sleeping in and have his mom pick up his used-
14:23Oops.
14:24Miranda, the lawyer, has completely lost her voice and is pretending to be okay with everything
14:30amid upending her entire family for a person who didn't even disclose their marital status.
14:35How do you know Che?
14:36We were married.
14:37Technically, still hard.
14:38Bitch, what the fuck?
14:40Mom.
14:42Mom.
14:42Mom.
14:42This is not who she is, just so you know.
14:46See, even his annoying ass knows what Miranda has become.
14:50An overly apologetic, voiceless dunce trying to bend and contort herself to be whatever Che wants,
14:56and it's so sad to watch.
14:58Here she is, apologizing for her alarm going off.
15:02I heard it.
15:04I'm sorry.
15:04I didn't go to sleep till four.
15:06Hey.
15:07For bumping into an oddly placed chair.
15:09Oh my.
15:11Sorry.
15:12For saying eat shit too many times.
15:14They can eat shit too then.
15:16Eat shit and...
15:17Stop telling everybody to eat shit.
15:18It's not helping.
15:19Sorry.
15:20Carrie accompanies Miranda to Che's new apartment because apparently they can afford a super nice
15:25luxury apartment after filming one pilot for a future MeTV show that will more than likely
15:30require a lap track.
15:32But first, surprise.
15:35Oh, hi.
15:36I didn't know you'd still be here.
15:38I hope you're sleeping on the couch.
15:40Okay.
15:45Later, Carrie, Che, Lyle, and Miranda are in the bedroom discussing the impulsive marriage
15:50of Lyle and Che.
15:51We were married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator.
15:54Both of us dressed as Elvis.
15:56Janny was dressed as Priscilla.
15:58Sounds like D-Rugs to me.
16:00Then Che's stupid show gets rejected by a focus group.
16:02More on that later.
16:04It sucked.
16:05And Miranda is haplessly trying to be Che's cheerleader, but it doesn't work.
16:09You just have to pull yourself out of this.
16:12I'll be your cheerleader.
16:13Miranda, stop.
16:14Let's go.
16:14Miranda, stop.
16:16Stop.
16:16Stop.
16:17Would you mind staying the night at your other place?
16:19Oh, sure.
16:20So I'll see you tomorrow.
16:21You know, honestly, I think I just, I think I just need a few more days alone.
16:25Miranda, I really hope it was worth it.
16:26So while Carrie is out and about actually listening to someone else's problems for a change, she
16:38holds up traffic in the bike lane and ends up causing a biker to eat it.
16:42Sorry, Seema.
16:43Guess you're going to have to table Austin Powers for another day or forever.
16:47Oh my God, I have to go.
16:49Listen, I gotta go, okay?
16:50Oh, I gotta go.
16:51Bye.
16:51Bye-bye.
16:52Okay.
16:52Lance Armstrong endures Carrie's rambling for a few minutes, so it's obvious he finds her attractive.
16:57Can I take you to an urgent care?
16:59Can I take you to an urgent care?
16:59Can I take you to an urgent care?
17:01Can I take you to an urgent care?
17:05Can I take you to an urgent care?
17:08Would you please, can I, can I please take you to the urgent care?
17:12All right, yeah, because my wrist is really starting to pound.
17:15Stop, I'm talking to you.
17:16You're at the nearest hospital.
17:20Caroline, who just donated thousands of dollars to Enid's old lady magazine, doesn't bother
17:25to even offer covering Lance's medical bill.
17:28Sir, the card you gave us earlier to put on file was declined.
17:33So instead of thinking he's poor because his card was declined, she brings him a whole bunch
17:38of soup and offers to help him work on his project.
17:41Uh, so I assume you are proficient in Python?
17:43Once she realizes he's rich, Carrie decides to stay over and then they end up making out.
17:50Do you live here?
17:51I live here.
17:52Well, there's, it's impressive.
17:54Uh, we've sold three apps.
18:02Carrie is not dumb.
18:03She stays chasing the bag.
18:05They're interrupted by Lance's business partner and now I'm getting super strong banky and holden vibes from chasing Amy.
18:10Carrie's over it so she dips, setting her up to spin the block for the fourth time with her favorite fool.
18:22I told you, you don't have to come all the way over here every morning just to make me breakfast.
18:24I told you, you don't have to come all the way over here every morning just to make me breakfast.
18:28Carrie's over it so she dips, setting her up to spin the block for the fourth time with her favorite fool.
18:35Between Brady and Steve being unable to crack eggs, put bacon in a skillet, and put bread in a toaster.
18:48Mom, I told you, you don't have to come all the way over here every morning just to make me breakfast.
18:51The two of you would starve if I didn't.
18:53Lance Armstrong answering the phone for another man while pre-coitus and Seema's hypocritical two-night stand introducing it inflatable to the bedroom, the men are still completely useless.
19:05Miranda walk of shames at home from her emotionally abusing they-them friend to wake up her grown-ass son.
19:10Does he not have a phone with an alarm?
19:12Between this and the littering of used customs, Louisa probably left him because she was sick of being his mommy.
19:19I mean, surely you were tracking the RSVPs, right? On the paperless post?
19:23I think so.
19:24Um, I never had sinned.
19:26You had one job, Herb. One job.
19:29Oh my god, I forgot to order the cake.
19:31They have food for 31 people to go around,
19:34so by the time they're done with all the oysters, lobsters, and hors d'oeuvres,
19:37I'm sure they wouldn't have room for cake anyways.
19:43Lisa abruptly announces that her dumb-ass husband is running for city comptroller,
19:46which he actually agrees to do.
19:48Herbert is running for city comptroller.
19:50I am.
19:51At the Halloween bash, he's so concerned about the job his wife made him do
19:55that he uses it as an excuse to be a wet blanket about her dancing with Anthony.
19:59Also not great press optics, you dirty dancing with the devil.
20:03At this same Halloween party, Naya, who looks absolutely stunning as Catwoman,
20:08is pissed that there's no single men around.
20:10Then Seema, who finally gets to do something other than be Carrie's assistant.
20:14Let me call my cousin's office and get you an appointment later today.
20:17It's already done. I listed you on three different sites.
20:19You need this for your book sales.
20:20No, it's not an emergency, but she does need to be seen immediately.
20:24Don't get in any photo near women with walkers. That'd be a brand killer for you.
20:28I can have a crew here to take care of that tomorrow.
20:30I should hire you to be in charge of my entire life.
20:33Offers to take her and Carrie to a rich guy hotel.
20:36They go, and Seema and Naya immediately get chatted up.
20:40Seema's guy lets her know that he has ED and decides to,
20:43right there in front of her, start inflating his tire.
20:47This same guy will later throw a hissy fit after discovering Seema's vibrating friend.
20:59Not cool.
21:02We had B plus 6.
21:04Okay, I guess that's now F plus 6.
21:06Seriously?
21:12While their kids are off at summer camp,
21:14Charlotte and Harry utilize their bratless time by engaging in copious amounts of fully clothed woohoo.
21:20It is here that Charlotte once again is dealing with a business emergency.
21:26Where is it?
21:27Carrie, who put a bunch of people out of work for not saying a word that rhymes with shmushmina,
21:32is freely and repeatedly saying another word that rhymes with fizz.
21:36But to me is like an old friend that gets on your nerves.
21:47Charlotte gets to work on Harry's woohoo issue.
21:50I do 3 sets of 10, 3 times a day.
21:54So you can suck it up!
21:55On regal exercises, all you have to do to stay tight
21:59is to tighten and release it for 10 minutes a day.
22:01The Rock, who has never showed an interest in modeling,
22:04suddenly wants to model for Ralph Lauren after being approached by some creep at the park.
22:09I was at the park and I landed in an ollie and this cool guy came up to me and wanted to know
22:12if I ever thought about modeling. This is Ralph Lauren. Harry's not on board. Teen model. Next
22:17stop rehab. Because Charlotte desperately wants at least one of her children to be an extension of
22:22her, she throws herself behind Rock's modeling since she also used to model for Ralph Lauren.
22:26Hi, I'm Charlotte. Are you wearing all vintage Ralph? Head to toe. I've been wearing him since
22:32I was a teen model. I was a teen model when the Ralph Lauren store opened in New Haven.
22:37Although Harry still objects, Charlotte is supervising at the end of the day so Harry drops it.
22:42Besides, as long as she doesn't let Rock go to Jack Nicholson's house alone, everything should be okay.
22:53I think Enid is still salty that Carrie snagged Alexander Petrovsky
22:58because she is a complete and total bitch to Carrie this whole episode.
23:02Well Carrie, why aren't I with him?
23:03Because I am?
23:05While Carrie was waiting for her POC emotional support friend Childress, I mean Jackie, to come
23:10back after getting the shits, she spots Enid who was trying her hardest to ignore her at first.
23:15What are you reading? Something wonderful?
23:19It's my new book. If you ever felt inclined, you know, to mention the book and asking it.
23:26If I mentioned your book, I would have to mention everyone's book.
23:31Does everyone have a book?
23:32Well, I don't.
23:34Enid declines and then immediately pitches Carrie on her own project in Old Lady Magazine.
23:39I'm launching an online magazine focused on women our age.
23:43I don't remember who I am in college.
23:47Jackie is still in the bathroom, so Carrie returns to her other POC emotional support friend,
23:51Seema, to whine about her non-problem of being compared to an elderly woman.
23:55Do I present as a 75-year-old retiree? Be honest.
24:00All while wearing an elderly lady outfit.
24:03Carrie, you're an old fart. Just embrace it.
24:06Carrie eventually decides to use the Old Lady Magazine launch party as a chance to network
24:10and possibly write for Ask Enid. Bitsy and her shoulder pads are here as well.
24:15Carrie runs into Enid and says she wants to write for the Old Lady Magazine,
24:19but I would be honored to write for Vivant.
24:22I don't want you to write a thousand words. I want you to give a hundred thousand dollars.
24:27Due to tragic circumstances, your pockets recently got deeper.
24:32So, meanwhile, I bet Carrie still owes Charlotte 30 grand.
24:37Char, take notes!
24:38No, but seriously, Enid was way out of line here,
24:40so instead of just knocking her the f*** out at her own launch party, no less,
24:44Carrie claps back instead.
24:45If I gave you a hundred thousand dollars, I'd have to give everyone a hundred thousand dollars.
24:50Gotcha, bitch!
24:51Luckily, all the awkwardness is dashed away once Carrie makes a donation
24:55so she can write for her Old Lady Magazine.
24:57See, money solves everything. Unless, of course, you're Lisa's mean-ass stepmother.
25:02Do I not exist? I've been here since 715 and not so much as an hors d'oeuvre.
25:09You've approached me with that same hors d'oeuvre for the second time.
25:15This was the only seat without the air conditioning blasting on it.
25:20Oh my god, I forgot to order the cake.
25:21You forgot to order the cake? You forgot to order the cake!
25:26Shall I tell you why I never forgot to order the cake?
25:30Because-
25:40Sit down and shut up!
25:42Move out of that seat and I'll split your lips!
25:44Because Che lives in an alternate dimension where they're booked and busy,
25:53ABC, yes ABC, is interested in Che Pasa.
25:58Instead of stacking their coins in case the pilot doesn't get picked up,
26:01or at least doing content on the side, they spend their evenings smoking and
26:05playing video games with their fellow students who are most likely half their age.
26:09Luckily, the writers have actually been listening to their pleb fans' criticism and finally inject
26:15some reality into the show, when Che gets roasted, dragged, bagged, and tagged by the focus group.
26:20The whole Che character was like a walking boomer joke that felt so fake to me.
26:25Just some bullshit version of what the non-binary experience is. It sucked.
26:31Also, they would not be able to afford an apartment that big in Bushwick.
26:34Anyone else have anything negative to say about the character Che, played by Che Diaz?
26:39Okay, looks like we got a Yahtzee.
26:43Che is at home cosplaying Snoop Dogg, they're so depressed.
26:50How am I going to afford this apartment?
26:52I knew they couldn't afford this apartment. It has floor-to-ceiling windows!
26:56They better hop on OnlyFans in the meantime, because that apartment looks like it's at least
27:00six to ten million dollars a month.
27:02Che shoes Miranda away in what appears to be a soft launch into an eventual breakup.
27:07Would you mind staying the night at your other place?
27:09Oh, sure. So I'll see you tomorrow.
27:12You know, honestly, I think I just, I think I just need a few more days alone.
27:15Y'all, I actually didn't hate this episode.
27:18On this episode of And Just Like Ass,
27:21Charlotte's ungrateful little brats reaffirmed my choice to remain child-free.
27:25That music is a little loud!
27:27Go! Please go!
27:28Mom, go!
27:31Carrie repurposes the igloo dress from the Lizzie McGuire movie.
27:35Seema and Charlotte turn into bitter Karens.
27:38I'm taking this to Yelp.
27:39We need to be seen now.
27:43Miranda and Che finally break up.
27:45And Aiden, Aiden.
27:56We open episode six with Carrie preparing for a Zoom interview with an idiot influencer who didn't even read her book.
28:02Okay, so tell me about your new book, Loved and Lost.
28:06I'm sorry, did you not read the book?
28:09Oh my god.
28:10What's it about?
28:11It's a book about my husband.
28:13Benign.
28:16And then her old-ass MacBook commits suicide.
28:18Boo!
28:19But that's no biggie.
28:20Unlike me, she has enough money to just buy a newer model.
28:24Or 20.
28:24Seema proudly tells Carrie that she's contributing to the planet's ongoing demise by being one of
28:30those people who upgrades iPhones every year.
28:32Had her for eight years.
28:34Eight years?
28:35I upgrade my tech constantly.
28:37I already have the new iPhone.
28:39Girl, we get it.
28:40You're obscenely rich.
28:41I just hope she's at least sending those phones to a refurbisher.
28:45But knowing her, Seema's just tossing them in the trash,
28:47along with half-eaten, gold-encrusted Wagyu steaks and caviar.
28:52Because Carrie always needs at least one POC emotional support friend by her side,
28:57Seema is here, having apparently skipped eating to babysit her white friend's tech run.
29:02Helping me pick out a computer instead of going for lunch.
29:06And since she has no other friends besides Carrie,
29:09she invites her to vacation with her in the Hamptons.
29:12You and me with our own two-bed, three-bath on the beach.
29:16Yes, yes, Seema.
29:18I will spend the summer with you.
29:21Carrie and her pushy book publisher are now talking about Carrie's appearance
29:25at some old lady widow convention connected to her book,
29:28and then Rachel Dratch appears.
29:30Carrie Bradshaw!
29:31Hi, stranger!
29:32Yeah, wait a minute.
29:33Who the f*** is that b***h?
29:36Why not a cameo from Molly Shannon or Amy Sedaris,
29:39who we actually would have recognized from the OG series?
29:44Carrie needs a shot of external encouragement,
29:46so she asks yet another POC to come with her to the widow convention,
29:50since Jackie is still pitting his guts out,
29:53and Seema already held her hand through a MacBook purchase.
29:56On the way to the old lady widow convention,
29:59a humongous blizzard engulfs New York.
30:01Carrie attends, wearing this insane Montclair coat gown.
30:05When Carrie gets a call from Charlotte, who is frantically running around the city
30:09trying to get her bratty daughter some c***dums,
30:12Carrie dismisses her because although she needs her friends to be there for her at her beck and call,
30:16Carrie rarely reciprocates.
30:18Carrie! It's an emergency!
30:21Okay, well, best of luck to you.
30:23Besides, Carrie don't use c***dums?
30:25Do you have any c***dums?
30:27Why do you think I would have any?
30:28I did have an c***dum.
30:29The c***dum broke.
30:31Okay, that's another lie.
30:32There was no c***dum.
30:33She finds out she has to speak at the dead husband convention
30:36and gets nervous, so she asks Che, who isn't funny,
30:39to give Carrie something funny to say on stage.
30:41Come on, I need to jump.
30:42Come on, I need to jump.
30:43Okay, okay.
30:44I wouldn't have come all this way in the snow
30:46if I'd known the widow wand was on back order.
30:49Oh, brother, this guy st***.
30:52But she instead reads from her book, which ended up being just fine.
30:56Cool, so Che didn't even need to be there.
30:58Carrie just needed to tick off her diversity quota checklist.
31:02And have someone hold her purse.
31:09Che hasn't been on screen for five minutes and is already being a d***
31:14because Miranda wants to cuddle and they don't.
31:17And now I want to cuddle.
31:18I don't cuddle.
31:20Che can't afford their apartment,
31:21so they're doing cameos for cash in the same bed as Miranda,
31:24who's trying to sleep.
31:26Hey, this is Che Diaz wishing Rory Upton a very happy birthday.
31:29I'm sorry, what's happening?
31:31But Che of course gaslights Miranda into shutting up,
31:33even after receiving an unsolicited boob photo.
31:36These are the only way that I can make any money right now,
31:38so please don't s*** on it.
31:40Is that it?
31:41Sometimes they send me messages back.
31:42I'm pretty sure if Che were a man, Miranda wouldn't be okay with this.
31:46I'm not sure why Che couldn't just go to the other room and do these,
31:50but Miranda eventually gets some sends and leaves.
31:52Miranda eventually comes back to her marital home.
31:57Steve comes in literally choosing violence,
31:59which was the proper choice because Miranda,
32:02the one who blew up her entire family just so she could have guilt-free sex with a married stoner,
32:07has the nerve to ask Steve when he's finding a new place because Miranda is sick of going from
32:12Nia's to Che's to their house.
32:13I'm not moving.
32:15What do you mean you're not moving?
32:17You said in therapy that you would find a place.
32:19Did Miranda blow all of her savings on California?
32:23The show presents all of these women as financially well off,
32:25so it makes no sense why she can't just get a new place instead of buying a
32:30used twin mattress and sleeping in a little room.
32:33Hell, in the first movie she rented a new apartment immediately when Steve cheated,
32:37so what's the problem now?
32:40But then Steve gets fed up and completely reads Miranda down.
32:44Then this is my house.
32:46You should tell that to the mortgage that has only my name on it.
32:49All of it is my house.
32:50It is my house.
32:51You never wanted to come here to Brooklyn.
32:54Steve, we're not moving to Brooklyn.
32:56I don't go to Brooklyn.
32:57Neither do I.
32:59I'm a Manhattan girl.
33:00I can't move to Brooklyn.
33:01I don't like anything not Manhattan.
33:04You never wanted me.
33:05This isn't going to work, Steve.
33:06There's good stuff here.
33:08Not enough.
33:10You never even wanted Brady.
33:11I'm pregnant.
33:12Why would I tell him I'm not having it?
33:15Finish her.
33:16So why don't you go find a new place and get the out of our lives?
33:21And despite the terrible acting, where were the lies?
33:26This kitchen!
33:27I built it!
33:28This floor!
33:29The fireplace!
33:30The bookshop!
33:32I never learned to read!
33:36Steve instantly feels bad for what he said,
33:38which sends Miranda preparing to run back to Che crying.
33:41She and Steve end up spooning together,
33:43and then Miranda finds a condom wrapper.
33:46What's this?
33:47Hey, I'm a bartender and I'm cute.
33:50Girl, what did you think he was working out for?
33:52When Miranda goes to Che, she immediately gets dumped.
33:56I mean, from where we are now, this probably isn't going to get better.
34:00Good.
34:01Why are they spooning?
34:03Post-breakup, while Carrie is hanging out with her backup POC emotional support friend,
34:07they ask if Miranda is ghosting them.
34:09Define ghosting.
34:11Okay, that's a big yes.
34:13Uh, isn't that what happens when you break up with someone?
34:17But then again, should I really expect common sense from someone who is still married?
34:23Well, technically.
34:25Then the writers give Che a stray puppy to save to make her more likable, and guess what?
34:29They still aren't likable.
34:30Good to know Carrie still has those pipes though.
34:40Across town, Naya and Miranda go to a bookstore so Naya can learn how to make a souffle.
34:45Miranda stumbles into a Jane Austen reading and immediately falls in lust with the woman who
34:49was reading Pride and Prejudice.
34:54I was listening to you read just now inside.
34:58Yes, I noticed you.
34:59You noticed me?
35:00Right away.
35:00So you know my name?
35:01What's yours?
35:02I'm Miranda.
35:03Miranda.
35:04You've really got me going.
35:05I honestly thought this scene was a daydream because it felt so cheesy,
35:09but at least they have chemistry, unlike her and Che.
35:11No.
35:12I can't.
35:13He sleeps like a dead man, and honestly, I am so tired.
35:22No!
35:22God, please, no!
35:23Um, I'm kind of learning my lines.
35:26I don't want to cuddle.
35:27I don't cuddle.
35:32Miranda, looking amazing, heads out on her date.
35:37She's doing tongue exercises on the way to Jane Austen's place,
35:40preparing for the best Valentine's date ever.
35:42But ah, ah, ah!
35:47No worries.
35:47I'll just clean it up later.
35:49Bruh.
35:49Yeah, I just stepped in Kapu.
35:52Bruh.
35:53Oh, I love the sheets in the laundry room.
35:55Do you have any quarters?
35:56Bruh.
35:57There are, uh, menus.
36:00Make yourself comfortable.
36:01Miranda's over it and eventually leaves.
36:04Besides, Jane Austen was gone for a pretty long time without a coat,
36:07so she probably froze to death.
36:10Carrie and her main POC emotional support friend are headed to the spa for Valentine's Day massages.
36:20Carrie is wearing this.
36:23But then Seema completely Karens out on a minimum wage worker for a policy that she didn't create.
36:28Wonderful, one couple's massage.
36:31Oh no, sorry, we're not a couple.
36:33It says two.
36:34Yes, two people, separate massages.
36:36We're only doing couples massages today because of the holiday.
36:42What holiday?
36:42Last I looked, it was Thursday.
36:44Banks are open, mails being delivered.
36:46Well, it's just something nice we do on this day to celebrate couples.
36:49Aren't they celebrated enough?
36:51Why the hell can't Seema and Carrie just get the damn massages anyway?
36:55Y'all don't want to talk to each other during the massage?
36:57Or does Carrie not want to be faced with the possibility of showing a bare arm?
37:02Charlotte's up.
37:04After parading a 19-year-old working at The Real Deal,
37:07she's now carrying out on a black woman at the front desk who is literally just doing her job.
37:11I took you out of science lab for this.
37:14I mean, who do they think they are?
37:15We're not even in Manhattan.
37:17Hi again.
37:18We need to be seen now.
37:21They are before you.
37:22Well, are they on charging stations all over the city?
37:24Rock has other appointments today at IMG and Elite in Manhattan.
37:27So anyway, Rock didn't like the way Charlotte handled things at the not-Manhattan agency,
37:32so they decided to just drop modeling.
37:33I don't want to do this anymore.
37:35Wait, what?
37:36Next week, Rock will be begging her mom for something else she'll quickly lose interest in.
37:40Speaking of ungrateful brats...
37:47The parenting on this show, minus LTW's family,
37:51leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion because Miranda and Charlotte's ilk run them.
37:55Do those headphones work?
37:57Obviously not if I can hear you.
37:59My son called me a bitch because I sent his girlfriend home and forced him to do his homework.
38:07Is it a bad idea to let them have s**t in the house?
38:09Wait, Lily, where are you going?
38:13We don't walk away from each other in this family.
38:15There are 300 people, 130 Hollis, a Rainbow High, and a trans rabbi.
38:21I'm not doing it. I don't believe in it.
38:23While Rock is soaking up all the attention from their Ralph Lauren campaign,
38:27Lily starts whining about Charlotte forgetting to make a reservation at Nobu,
38:31which she planned to be a prelude to her first time with some dude named Blake.
38:35You're 17 years old. Go to Shake Shack and call it a day.
38:38I can't lose my virginity after lunch at Shake Shack.
38:41Why would she just announce something like that?
38:43Charlotte goes to talk with Lily about losing her V card and Lily doesn't give a single f*****
38:48So?
38:54Really glad that you opened up to us about this because
38:57my parents made s**t seem like it was something that just...
38:59Can I start playing again?
39:01Later, during the blizzard, Lily abruptly leaves to go to Blake's house.
39:04I'm going to Blake's. Bye.
39:07Then Lily calls Charlotte and demands she get her c*****s.
39:10Blake doesn't have any c*****s.
39:12You tell him right now to go out and get some.
39:16He's afraid the drugstore near here will tell his mom.
39:19I'm with Charlotte. Why can't her little boyfriend just go to a different pharmacy?
39:22Make him work for it, Lily. He got you going to his house during the blizzard.
39:27However, the burgeoning sociopath threatens to accidentally get pregnant.
39:30Hi.
39:31I'm not about to go out in the middle of a blizzard to get you guys c*****s.
39:35Blake Googled how to pull out. We can just try that.
39:37Okay, bye.
39:38After manipulating her mother into getting her the baby blockers, Lily shoes her away.
39:43I got you the assorted pack.
39:44There is classic thin rib.
39:46It's cold and the snow is blowing in.
39:48In a much less infuriating household across town, LTW, who is clearly the only active parent on the show,
39:55is suspicious of her son's new girlfriend, Baxter, her name would be Baxter, and her lack of boundaries.
40:00Hi!
40:03Mom.
40:03And respect.
40:05Of course, her dumb ass husband doesn't think anything of it.
40:08She acts like he's her property or something.
40:11Well, he is not her property and he's not your property.
40:14That is, until they catch her with the aid of her son in Lisa's closet.
40:19Um, I just wanted to get a pic with this awesome purse for my Insta. Hope it's okay.
40:23I really wanted to see Lisa turn into a stereotypical black mother because this is
40:28definitely the time and place for it.
40:29But instead, she sees little Miss Klepto out and Herb gets in Corbin Blue's ass instead.
40:35Your mother's closet?
40:36Have you lost your mind?
40:38Charlotte, take notes.
40:40So Lily's weak-ass boyfriend ends up dumping her right before Valentine's Day.
40:44So now Charlotte and Harry are trying to plan to be out of their own house.
40:48Well, it's Trey's house, technically.
40:49It's not your apartment.
40:51Because Lily is throwing a party for two people in their kitchen.
40:54This little girl got the wish of tons of orphaned children
40:58is being a complete bitch to her mother who had the audacity to bring her and her two
41:03friends who don't even like her.
41:04Those mean seniors made fun of her original music.
41:08Some cake for their party.
41:09I got you girls a Valentine's Day cake.
41:11We don't need it.
41:12And then Charlotte eats a laced brownie.
41:14Oh my god!
41:15I'm having a stroke.
41:17And just like that, Charlotte died.
41:20Okay, let's recap.
41:23Lily indirectly ruined Carrie and Big's wedding.
41:26Could you put Carrie on the phone, please?
41:31Who let the dogs out?
41:33Get these dogs out of here!
41:34She ruined Charlotte's cream Valentino skirt.
41:37Look, Mommy!
41:38Look at me!
41:42Me, me, me!
41:44Really?
41:47Her piano concerto kept Carrie away from Big long enough for her to find him mid-croak.
41:51She ruined her mom's dinner party over Tampongate.
41:58I'm ready to learn how to put in a tampon.
42:01Now?
42:01Yes, now.
42:02Let's do it before I change my mind.
42:04Guys, what's taking so long?
42:06Everybody's hungry.
42:07She wrote a song dissing her mom for giving her a luxurious life.
42:11Park Avenue streets, where do they leave?
42:14I'm not allowed to be me.
42:18I'm a good girl.
42:20She made her mother run out into a potentially dangerous blizzard to get her protection.
42:25She kicked her mom out of her own old Trey's house.
42:28It's not your apartment.
42:29To throw a party for some bitches who made fun of her.
42:32One of her friends brought laced brownies that Charlotte ate,
42:36which honestly very well could have unalived her under very strange circumstances.
42:40You didn't have a stroke.
42:41You do have a pretty significant amount of tears in your bloodstream.
42:44I ate a homemade brownie that one of Lily's new friends brought over.
42:48I'm just saying, maybe she and Brady should get together and wreak havoc on their parents together.
42:53Charlotte at least gets something out of her not-near-death experience.
42:57She needs to get her own life.
42:58I'm a momager for Rock, a maid for Lily.
43:02What happened?
43:02I'm gonna call Marcus Sabian and I'm gonna ask him if the job that he offered me at the gallery is still available.
43:09Hopefully Mr. Andrews still has a job for her because that offer happened like a while ago.
43:13Carrie wakes up in her tiny bed to an email from Aiden.
43:22Now remember, when she was with him, he already had his own business, a place in the country, a place in the city,
43:30was helping fund Steve's bar and was able to purchase two, count them, two apartments in Manhattan.
43:37But Carrie is a big bag chaser.
43:40So upon learning that he sold his furniture company to West Elm,
43:43and since she can't cheat on him with Big again, she wants that old thing back.
43:47This is Carrie's world and she's the main character where everything always goes well, even if it shouldn't.
43:53So of course, she gets an email back from him relatively quickly.
43:56Not only that, but he invites her to dinner on Valentine's Day.
43:59So after a restaurant mix-up, Aiden materializes, looking like Rhythm Nation era Janet Jackson.
44:05What the f*** is he wearing?
44:08The date went well, I guess.
44:09So the next stop is Carrie's old apartment.
44:12You know, the apartment he bought along with the one next to it when he thought they were going to get married.
44:17The apartment with the floors he sanded while she was getting her back blown out by her married ex.
44:22The apartment where Carrie lost his dog, his dog, because she was arguing with her married ex.
44:26Seeing this slab of bricks literally re-traumatizes Aiden to his very core and the bad memories come flooding back.
44:34Carrie actually tries to persuade him to just ignore all that because she put up some new wallpaper.
44:39I'm never going in there again.
44:40It doesn't even look the same.
44:42Like I hung wallpaper and I've repainted.
44:45I should go.
44:48Good. Aiden baby, you're doing great.
44:50Y'all linked up and she's the same terrible person she was when you were with her.
44:54Now take your ass back to Virginia and go be with your boys.
44:57Riot Earp and Tate another one.
44:59Gomer Pyle or whatever his name is.
45:02Hey f*** it.
45:03They have hotels, right?
45:05Bruh.
45:06What?
45:08Carrie and Aiden are holed up in a hotel, clapping cheeks and eating $50 omelets.
45:13Although I'm irritated by these two morons, I have to admit,
45:16this is the happiest Carrie has ever looked in the two seasons this show has been on.
45:22She can't cheat on him again with Big and he has more money than he did when they were together.
45:26So Carrie can finally allow herself to have stronger organisms with Aiden.
45:31She's even showing her arms, you guys.
45:34While the sun is blocking the shot, Carrie puts her foots all over Aiden's stomach
45:38and a metaphorical display of her walking all over him.
45:41Then Aiden tells her she wants him to meet Wyatt, Gomer and Tate.
45:45I'd like you to meet my boys.
45:51I would like that too.
45:53It's literally been a few weeks.
45:55Hey kids, wanna meet the little lady who cheated on me?
45:58Married the guy she cheated on me with?
45:59And is now only into me because he's dead?
46:05Will, I love you.
46:06Because Carrie is gonna carry like she usually does
46:09when she gets even the slightest bit of attention from an XY,
46:12she completely goes ghost and abandons all prior engagements
46:15to rearrange her life for a man yet again.
46:18When he's back in town next that, um,
46:21we would love to take the three of you to dinner.
46:22Seema is understandably pissed off.
46:24We were thinking that when Aiden's here again,
46:27week after next, I might go back down with him.
46:29You're gonna go to Virginia?
46:30Well, I wanna meet his boys.
46:32They're, um, 14, 17, 20.
46:34And, um, his weeks, he has the boys at the farm.
46:37You are actually thinking of going down there
46:39and spending time there with him and the kids.
46:41Yeah, I am.
46:42You know, every now and then when he's not up here with me,
46:44when he's back in town next,
46:46that, um, we would love to take the three of you to dinner.
46:48You and me with our own two-bed, three-bath on the beach.
46:53Yes, yes, Seema, I will spend the summer with you.
46:57Send me some dates, bitch.
47:00Carrie is most likely on her way back to the hotel
47:03for more cheek-clapage, so she's wearing a bathrobe
47:05and some Birkenstocks outside while chatting with Miranda after lunch.
47:09Miranda, the one who's going through a divorce,
47:12who dumped her ex-husband and then abruptly ran off to Cleveland
47:15to follow an emotionally abusive stud around the world,
47:17tells Carrie to slow down.
47:20Should you maybe take a beat here?
47:23You're moving so fast.
47:24I'm gonna take care of it.
47:26I've met someone.
47:27I'm in a cab on my way to the airport.
47:29To Cleveland!
47:30I'm gonna surprise Che at their show
47:32and tell them that we can be together.
47:34Girl, shut up.
47:37Then Carrie tells Miranda this.
47:40I've been asking myself, was Big a big mistake?
47:44What?
47:52Your friends literally tried to tell you this
47:54every single time y'all got back together or were about to.
47:57What?
47:58You're sleeping with Big?
48:00Have fun, just don't have amnesia.
48:01What makes you think it's gonna be any different this time?
48:04How many more times are you gonna go through this?
48:06Carrie, he was such an ass.
48:08He is bad for you.
48:09But now that he's deep-sixed and you're spending all of the money he left you on
48:13overpriced-ass kitchen utensils with Aiden, now he's a mistake?
48:18So I guess if Aiden croaks, you're gonna email the Russian if he's still alive.
48:23My lover is not old.
48:25He is in his lover perfect early 50s.
48:31How much time?
48:33Till Wyatt's out of his teens.
48:34That's six years.
48:35It's five, his birthday's next week.
48:37And then say Aiden was a mistake?
48:41Writers, y'all are not about to retcon big.
48:44Like the whole show wasn't about you trying to lock him and his eyebrows down.
48:49It's just a show, Aspen.
48:51It's just a show.
48:53The writers are still trying and failing to make Che likable,
48:56so we cut to them at their job.
48:58And then Carrie randomly shows up to ask them for a favor.
49:01Duh.
49:02Why else would she be there?
49:03You know how you're always complaining about how much you
49:06hate your Airbnb renters.
49:08How about you rent to me?
49:09Aiden and I are spending a fortune on hotels.
49:11Why don't you just stay at your apartment?
49:13It's a long story.
49:16Yep.
49:16Carrie, in her bid to please a man who shouldn't even be dating her if he can't
49:21walk into her apartment, asks if Che can let them use their apartment for guilt-free
49:25bone sessions.
49:27This will certainly not end badly.
49:29Building management.
49:32Also, Che is a terrible Airbnb host.
49:34How do you not even have forks and spoons for your guests?
49:38Where's the salad tongs?
49:39You see salad tongs?
49:40Where, where is the pepper mill?
49:41Where's everything?
49:43Che has like five hangers in there.
49:44Yeah, I noticed you were short on some items.
49:48I'd be mad as hell if I had to spend all this money to stay in this apartment
49:51and now I have to run to Target to get some damn silverware.
49:53Do better, Che!
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