It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 17 Episode 4

Snap Cine

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Transcript

00:01Just have a seat right there.

00:03Would you like a drink?

00:04No.

00:05How about a fresh glass of water?

00:07I have to just go back and gather myself with my buddies

00:10before we start this.

00:12Okay?

00:13Okay.

00:14But we are on the clock.

00:15Oh, yeah, and for the record, you know,

00:17you might want to jot down how well you're being treated

00:20at this professional establishment.

00:23Frank, you're really...

00:25We are in big trouble.

00:27We got to come up with a statement for this reporter.

00:29She's gonna butcher us.

00:31Yeah, this is bad.

00:32No, why don't we just play dumb?

00:33Why do we have to come up with a statement at all?

00:34Because they found 500 gallons of baby oil

00:36dumped in the Schuylkill River.

00:37Wait, wait, you might be right,

00:38because they can't actually prove that that was us.

00:40Right.

00:41200 Patties Pub t-shirts floating around in

00:42and aren't exactly helping our case, pal.

00:43Yeah, it's not.

00:44I mean, this is a good thing.

00:45This could be our Patties gate.

00:46Okay, there you go.

00:47The gates aren't a good thing.

00:48I mean, Pizzagate, Watergate...

00:50Nipplegate!

00:51Nipplegate and Janet Jackson's career was never the same.

00:53You're right. What happened?

00:54Yeah, but some things you gotta keep covering up.

00:55Cover it up.

00:56We've gotta come up with a statement.

00:57Guys, guys, guys, guys.

00:59We can handle this.

01:00I mean, this is why we went to that corporate retreat in Idaho.

01:03Right, right.

01:04Well, we go to the retreat so much as watch a bunch of clips of it on YouTube.

01:07Yeah.

01:08But, you know, you're right, Mac.

01:09Normally, a situation like this would have me clawing all your faces off,

01:12but you're not gonna do that.

01:13I'm gonna utilize my words.

01:16I do see your hand is still in a bit of a claw.

01:18Yeah, I was ready to pounce.

01:19Yeah, I had it behind my head. I was ready to...

01:21Yeah.

01:22Behind my leg.

01:23Should we un...

01:24No, no, let's all unclaw our hands.

01:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27Right? Because that was the old way.

01:28Yeah.

01:29This is the new way, right?

01:30We've got the tools from the corporate retreat.

01:31We've got the vocabulary.

01:32We've got these awesome fleece vests that were inspired by the retreat.

01:36Aren't these great?

01:37You can let it all go under here.

01:38Yeah.

01:39Appreciate you springing for that, Frank.

01:40Thank you very much.

01:41Yeah, no problem.

01:42So listen, we can handle this unpleasantry with the grace and elegance of any major corporation

01:46by utilizing a little thought leadership and simply talking this thing out.

01:51First and foremost, the business must be protected at all times.

02:04Yes.

02:05Yes.

02:06Yes.

02:07The business is infinitely more important than any individual.

02:08Yes.

02:09We are, of course, a family, but human emotion notwithstanding, I would be remiss not to mention

02:25that we are a business first, and as a business, we must behave as such.

02:30So I would like to posit, respectfully, of course, that we put forth an offering.

02:35Yes, a lamb, if you will.

02:36No, I would say that lamb right now could be tender and delicious, but we have kind of bigger issues that we're dealing with

02:43that we need to discuss, and maybe, you know, eating lamb is not the best thing, momentarily speaking.

02:48Thank you for that, Charlie, but, of course, I'm speaking of a sacrificial lamb.

02:52Ah!

02:53Maybe we need to walk through the series of events of the incident to figure out who the fall guy should be,

02:58and I would like to respectfully point out that the phrase is fall guy.

03:03Thank you for pointing out that gender inequity, Dee.

03:06Henceforth, let's refer to that position as fall person.

03:09Person.

03:10Or we could circle back to animal-related conversations.

03:13We could consider fall fish, or scape fish, or even fall bird, and then we're back to Dee.

03:19Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, guys, but, um...

03:22My hand is so tightly clenched into a claw.

03:26Yeah.

03:27Same.

03:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm feeling a claw again.

03:29All right.

03:30All right.

03:31So why don't we do this? Let's all take a deep breath before we continue this conversation on claw our hands.

03:35I think Dee is right.

03:36I think we've got to take this mess from the beginning and find out how we got here.

03:48Uh-huh.

03:49Find out who's really to blame.

03:50Now, as you recall, it all started several weeks ago...

03:52...when Frank found that jug out back.

03:56Yo, let me blow on that!

03:58No, you make sounds when you bang on it, not blow on it.

04:01No, you blow on it.

04:02Yeah, yeah.

04:03No, you just bang on it.

04:04Put a little walk in here.

04:05But it's going to be much deeper.

04:06No, no, no, no, he's right. You don't blow on it.

04:08No, if you blow on it like that...

04:09No, you turn it upside down!

04:10You don't bang!

04:12Why can't you put it between your hands?

04:13Of course, that led to a vigorous debate, which in turn led to vigorous clawing until we decided to stop fighting and, you know, simply get our own jugs.

04:23Annoyingly, however, the jugs were filled with fluid.

04:25What are we supposed to do with all this fluid?

04:28Uh, yeah. Can't really play them as an instrument until we...

04:32Oh.

04:33Yeah, that's a problem.

04:34Yeah, we could, uh, wash the bar with it?

04:37Uh, you don't want to wash the bar with a water-based liquid.

04:40Make a fire and...

04:41Oh, oh, oh, make a fire and put it out.

04:43Start a fire and put it out.

04:44What are you talking about? We're not going to make a fire.

04:45Well, if we start a fire...

04:46Why don't we start a fire?

04:47So we have a reason to use all this liquid.

04:49I just said...

04:50After an hour-long argument about the best way to dispose of the fluid, we caved and decided the best way to make the jugs empty was to simply drink the water.

04:58Now, if I'm braising something, is that a way to cook something or is that shellacking in it? Like, am I putting sauce on it?

05:04The inadvertent effect of the water cooler was not just hydration, but conversation.

05:09Is it about the sauce or the cooking technique?

05:10It's about the crispy.

05:11About both.

05:12The water tank became a think tank for business scaffolding as well as recent health initiatives and, you know, general interest.

05:18Well, now, I've taken to using baby oil almost exclusively when I get out of the shower.

05:23You know, I don't know if you guys know this, but you can actually put a tablespoon of baby oil in your coffee in the morning and it resets the pH balance of your gut biome.

05:31You drink it?

05:32You know, if you're going to dump stuff, the best place is the ocean.

05:35I mean, you know, in a pinch, you go to a lake or a river, but you want to get rid of something, the ocean's the only way to go.

05:42Dennis, how do they get the oil out of the baby? Do they have to mash the babies up or grind them?

05:48Is it babies that are sick and dying already or what is the oil...

05:51Don't be an idiot, Charlie. The babies are alive. They just wring them out like an old rag.

05:56The Cybertruck is by far the coolest piece of machinery that the space nerd has ever made.

06:00Absolutely. I love that truck. I'm furious that all cars don't look like that.

06:04Totally. You know what it is? It delivers on the promise of the future from our youth.

06:08Yes. Right? We thought all cars were going to look like that back in the day.

06:10They were supposed to look like that. You know, hotlines, sharp corners, DeLorean-like materials.

06:13Oh, I know. It's the transportation fitting of a Terminator.

06:16Totally a Terminator. Absolutely. Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.

06:19That's right. Yeah, no, absolutely. We were firing on all cylinders.

06:23But things took a most exciting turn when one particular topic was raised.

06:27Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on slap fighting?

06:30Slap fighting? I'm unaware of this.

06:34Oh, well, let me tell you. Just like the Cybertruck is the future of transportation,

06:38slap fighting is the future of dispute mitigation.

06:42And my God, was he right. We had to try our hand at it.

06:46The Egyptians, they liked the cats. They liked them.

06:49I know, but it's a cat-based society. You know what I mean?

06:52Yeah, but I understand that. But the cats are a huge part of their thing, man.

06:55They liked the cats. Everybody loved it. We swapped out the clawing for slapping.

06:59I mean, we were using it to settle arguments. We were using it to end the day, to start the day,

07:03to say goodbye, to say hello, to celebrate, to mourn, everything, you know?

07:07But then, Mac had a business idea.

07:13Gentlemen, let's discuss professional slap fighting.

07:19We were all slapped across the proverbial cheeks with this venture.

07:26Take your shirts off, though!

07:27It was this hand-face-based business venture that led to the offlining of certain corporate assets into various aquatic bodies.

07:37So Mac is clearly the prime candidate to fall on the metaphorical sword here.

07:42Yes?

07:43Sure, well, yeah, that, that, that, that, that ends up, right?

07:45That does seem to be the proper mathing, yes?

07:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do hear you guys on this.

07:49As long as we're outside of the earshot of this reporter, I'd like to add you can stick this line of logic up your various assholes.

07:55Hmm.

07:56All right, that's a...

07:57Interesting point.

07:58Harsher language than I thought we were allowed to use here, but...

08:00Also, Dennis is leaving out a core friction point.

08:03Things were going smoothly until Dennis pointed out that the whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.

08:08Slaps and profits have gone up. That's great.

08:10Uh-huh.

08:11But chick saturation has gone down.

08:13That's not good, right?

08:14The whole thing is sorely lacking eroticism.

08:17The data is alarming.

08:19Yeah!

08:20Let's fix that.

08:21Yeah, yeah.

08:22Go on.

08:23Something with the eroticism of mud wrestling and the aggression of a cyber truck.

08:27The world just has not delivered on the future that we were promised when we were growing up.

08:32We were promised mud wrestling.

08:33We were promised wet t-shirt contests.

08:35We were promised women going wild.

08:38At a certain point, we stopped women from going wild.

08:40Why did we do that?

08:41They wanna go wild.

08:42They should go wild.

08:44They want to go wild.

08:45Let's let them go wild.

08:47They're too dry!

08:48And so they don't feel wild!

08:50Yeah, exactly.

08:51Guys, let's get back to our core values.

08:54There is an underserved market for one-on-one erotic sport competition between scantily clad, oiled-up women.

09:01He proposed pivoting away from dudes and investing all of our resources more heavily into women and baby oil.

09:08This is why Dennis' head must roll.

09:14I compliment him on the innovation, but the idea was a little chunky, if I'm being honest.

09:20My personal distaste for women aside, I think he crapped the bed on the execution.

09:23We were over-leveraged in the baby oil department and sub-sequential environmental what-have-yous from the off-lining have left us in this particular situation, which is why I nominate Dennis.

09:34Right time, right skull.

09:36I like it.

09:37I like it.

09:38I gotta say, I'm impressed.

09:39You know, you're coming at me open kimono here, and I appreciate that, so kudos, you know.

09:42But I do think we need to helicopter up, stretch the vantage point a little bit.

09:45I think we need to chew on the key protein here, which I believe to be D.

09:50With the women slappers in the bar, we were thriving, but we weren't quite reaching the erotic escape velocity that I was hoping for.

09:58I mean, there's just, it's really all it is, is there's one lingering problem with the women.

10:02Why? They're ugly.

10:03They're ugly.

10:04Ah, yeah, I didn't want to say it, but they are ugly.

10:06Yeah.

10:07They're a bit gruff, aren't they?

10:08The big issue for me is you can't put baby oil on any of these women. You know, they'll bite you.

10:13Oh, I had one almost bend my arm completely in half. I tried to put baby oil on her and she did.

10:17Oh, I got pinned by her too, man.

10:19Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like chick saturation is up. That's good. But the attractive slash oil saturation.

10:24Yeah, it's way down. It's way down. Why is that?

10:27Yeah.

10:28So, we need to find a way to lure in hotter women.

10:31Yeah, that's all it is. You know what I mean?

10:33Anybody got any ideas?

10:34Back in the day when we were taking down all the aluminum siding, what were we gonna do with all that asbestos that was left?

10:40We dumped it in the Schuylkill.

10:41Oh, you did?

10:42Yeah. Okay.

10:43But in order to get him to do it, we lured him in with a Cadillac.

10:47Oh!

10:48That's what you gotta do with a woman.

10:49You think we give these gals a Cadillac?

10:51Yeah.

10:52And we say, you know, you win the slap fight, you get a Cadillac?

10:54Everybody needs money.

10:55Wait.

10:56I know exactly what we should do.

10:57Ow!

10:58I was thinking the same thing.

11:02I doubt it.

11:03Show!

11:06Look at this thing!

11:07Oh, man, Frank, baby, this is quite the prize.

11:10Yeah!

11:11Nicely done, Frank.

11:12Wow!

11:13Look at the hard angles on this.

11:15It's beautiful, man.

11:16The Cybertruck lured in a much sexier talent pool.

11:19We were really excited about the quality of Slapper, but there was one that stood out above all the others.

11:24I mean, we couldn't take our eyes off her.

11:26I can't wait to see the headlights on her.

11:28Yeah!

11:29Yeah, well, and you never will see him, Frank, because there's only one single headlight.

11:33It's a single headlight, yeah.

11:35We couldn't give her away.

11:36We had to have her.

11:37It wasn't long before we came up with a plan to retain her for ourselves.

11:41We would just have to win the slap contest, you know?

11:43We needed a ringer.

11:44Someone to tear through these waifish models and ensure the truck would remain in our portfolio.

11:48Figure something out.

11:50What are you guys doing?

11:51He was tearing through girls.

11:54What's going on in there?

11:55Really?

11:56What do you guys do about this?

11:57D was tearing through girls like a paper shredder through company records, and we knew she would, as I had explained it with a graph.

12:25Lower the self-esteem, the heart of the slap, and D could take a hit, too.

12:28Right, years of getting slapped around by Frank, right?

12:31Yeah.

12:31Those were the days.

12:32Oh, yeah.

12:33Better say so, buddy.

12:34If you say so.

12:35She had it all, and she delivered.

12:37Slap, under slap, sexy women, aggressive violence, futuristic trucks.

12:41Everything was going according to plan.

12:44Until D got knocked out.

12:47D, I thank you for your service.

12:49I love you like a sister.

12:50Well, I am your sister.

12:51Well, you know, familial ties notwithstanding.

12:53I think you kind of drained the kettle on that one.

12:55And, hey, no offense, but I think you've proven yourself to be pretty good at taking a fall.

13:01Guys, I know things are getting hot, okay?

13:03But I think we're styling the wrong mannequin here.

13:06I would have won that competition if it wasn't for our associate deviating from the business plan,

13:10and that would be Charlie.

13:12Oh.

13:13Uh, wow.

13:14He fell back on some old bad habits.

13:17Ha, ha, ha.

13:18Fool.

13:19Oh.

13:21What's up?

13:22What's going on?

13:24New car?

13:24I like it.

13:25Pretty sweet.

13:26What is this?

13:27Why are you here?

13:28Well, I got a business opportunity for you.

13:30Oh, a business opportunity?

13:31Yeah, check this out.

13:32Oh, good.

13:33Great.

13:33Yeah, you're going to like this.

13:34I bet.

13:34These, um, oiled up slap fights in the bar.

13:36Oiled up slap fights?

13:37Yeah, we're oiling girls and they're slapping each other.

13:39Are you oiling girls up?

13:40Yeah, so I could oil you, or you could oil yourself.

13:42Did you come here to ask me if I want to get oiled by you?

13:45Are you stalking me again?

13:46Yeah, well, stalking?

13:48Whoa, since when did I ever stalk you?

13:50No, that's not my thing.

13:51Flirting maybe, but...

13:52Okay.

13:53Hey, look, you don't have to do it, but I will say that the winner of the thing is going to get a free truck.

13:57But I suppose you like this car better, you know?

13:59You're giving away a truck?

14:03A cyber truck.

14:07Little did he know that she wasn't just driving that crappy car, she was living in it.

14:20The allure of the cyber truck and a lifetime of petty misery suffered by this woman rendered her unstoppable.

14:26Yeah, okay.

14:28Who's next?

14:29Uh, hey, I got an idea, all right?

14:34What if you and I get a little side pot going, right?

14:37You and me, we tone down on the slaps, we call it a tie, and that way we can share the cyber truck.

14:42Ah!

14:43Ah!

14:53I was sucker punched.

14:55No.

14:56No.

14:57In your dreams.

14:58Yeah, no, you're looking right at her.

14:59She slapped the shit out of me, but I wasn't ready.

15:01It was uncalled for, and it wasn't fair.

15:04To make matters worse, Frank reversed course.

15:05And refused to make her whole.

15:07What do you mean I don't get the truck?

15:08Look, it's all in the terms and conditions.

15:10What?

15:11Look, cyber truck not included.

15:13Can you read?

15:14Can you read?

15:15Oh, my God!

15:16What?

15:17Oh, my God!

15:18Screw you!

15:18Screw you guys so hard!

15:20Oh, I'm taking this public.

15:21Don't you dare!

15:22Needless to say, she was pissed, and she promised to go public.

15:25And let's face it, we didn't have permits for any of this, which led to the panic and dumping

15:28of assets to erase the trail of corporate culture and create plausible deniability.

15:32So, as the crow flies here, I think we can all see, from a bird's eye view, that had

15:37Charlie not invited the waitress, none of this would have happened.

15:39So, Charlie should take the fall.

15:40And I would say I'll do respect, but I don't respect you.

15:42It's true, Charlie.

15:43We may have reached our inflection point.

15:45Okay, great.

15:45Yeah, that's all good.

15:46Yeah, and I'm hearing you guys, you know, ear-wise and, you know, mouth-wise, giving me

15:52various wordables that are adding up to thoughts.

15:55This is good.

15:56I see how you're trying to clip my wings so that I can fly.

15:58That's not how birds work.

15:59That makes them unfly.

16:00Okay, I did not know that you were the bird expert, but I would like to pin it here,

16:04you know, before I fall on the sword and say that I was also using my eyeballs this entire

16:09time for various observables, because I realized that Frank was, you know, growing in hardness

16:17as the eroticism in the bar was increasing, and he was becoming as hard as a cyber truck

16:23himself, you know, which you can see.

16:24Cheese, of course, is also on this graph.

16:26Just keep going.

16:27Moving past.

16:27Well, the main thing here is that I think we now have our open-sliced lamb, you know,

16:33open-commando person.

16:35What?

16:35What are you saying?

16:37I'm saying it should be Frank, man, because he was throwing an orgy in the basement the

16:40entire time.

16:41What?

16:42Yes.

16:43I realized Frank was trying to capitalize on the erotic environment and pivot into a more

16:47orgasmic business model, right?

16:49And I noticed various unsavory investors were paying Frank to try to get in on the ground

16:55floor.

16:56Yeah, goddamn, you were not good at this.

16:57I'm trying to say, dudes are paying Frank to go into the basement.

17:00Mm-hmm.

17:00Right.

17:00And he was failing in his efforts to poach talent from the slapping pool.

17:04Ooh, I like those straps.

17:06And I can't wait to see it off.

17:08Let's go downstairs.

17:08And I knew this because chicks were slapping him constantly.

17:11But then I saw him trying to headhunt for new key players in this thing.

17:15Yo, baby!

17:17I need a prostitute.

17:19But he was running up against some logistical hurdles.

17:21Well, when's she coming back from the Bahamas?

17:23So the slap fighting in the basement full of men, the whole thing was just a big red flag.

17:27He had a target on his back and whatnot.

17:29So when the waitress got all pissed off, she wasn't going to get a Cybertruck and the police

17:34were potentially going to get involved.

17:35Frank panicked.

17:36He was worried about the orgy, which led to the dumping into the Schuylkles and whatnot.

17:41And so that is why he is the person that should take this fall.

17:46Also, there's still a bunch of dudes in the basement.

17:49Right now?

17:50What?

17:50There's like guys down there now.

17:52Dude, how many are down there?

17:53Not good.

17:54Eleven dudes in the basement.

17:55No, the reporter could see all this.

17:57Yeah, one could come up.

17:58It could be an issue for us.

17:59Oh, shit.

17:59We've got to figure out what we're going to do and get her out of here.

18:01Oh, okay.

18:02Well, I agree with Charlie.

18:03I think Frank should take the fall for the whole thing.

18:04Well, that's insane.

18:05You drove a Cybertruck into the river.

18:07Well, I didn't know.

18:07I thought it was an aquatic vehicle.

18:09It's an environmental vehicle.

18:10It should be, but it's not.

18:11If anything, it looks like it goes into space.

18:12Yeah, it should be.

18:13The liberal press is going to crucify us.

18:15I've got to come clean.

18:18I think the truck is ugly.

18:19God damn it.

18:19I knew you were going to say that.

18:20Dude, don't matter.

18:21I'm going to say that.

18:22I'm going to say that.

18:23This is clean, dude.

18:24You're going to go bullshit on this.

18:25All right.

18:26Enough.

18:27I've had enough with the charts and the maps and the graphs.

18:30It's clear you're all good foot soldiers.

18:32Loyal servants and whatnot.

18:34But it's time we connect the Legos here and boil down to our core values.

18:39Yes.

18:39Hammer down on our brand identity and come out open Commando.

18:42I said the Commando thing.

18:44Yeah.

18:44It makes sense the first time.

18:45I thought it sounded cool and I wanted to circle back.

18:47Oh, if you're doing it, this is cool.

18:47Okay.

18:48I got a plan.

18:49And this is it.

18:50Okay.

18:50Here we go.

18:51Uh, ma'am, we are finally ready to make our statement.

18:56Yeah.

18:57Uh, no comment.

19:01That said, we are no longer going to drink, serve, or have anything to do that represents

19:07water.

19:07Yeah.

19:08Water is not the cornerstone of our company.

19:10And we will hereby, uh, be getting rid of the water cooler.

19:13Go on.

19:14Excuse me.

19:14I, I'm not sure what you're talking about.

19:16Sorry.

19:17We got on talking like this when we started overhydrating.

19:19Yeah.

19:20We watched a couple YouTube clips about a corporate retreat, got some water, got hydrated.

19:23I'm not going to talk about that subject anymore.

19:26No water.

19:26Yeah.

19:26No comment is the main thing, right?

19:28Yeah.

19:28What I said in the beginning.

19:29Yeah.

19:29And no water.

19:30I'm sorry.

19:30Do you think I'm a reporter?

19:33Yeah.

19:34No.

19:35I'm here for the orgy.

19:37Oh.

19:38Oh.

19:39Good.

19:39Great.

19:40Great.

19:41Oh.

19:42Hey, guys.

19:43The whore's here.

19:47I was waiting for you.

19:49That's you guys, man.

19:50That's one woman.

19:51Yeah.

19:52That's not an orgy.

19:53That's a.

19:54No.

19:54That's a gangbang.

19:55No.

19:55It's a gangbang.

19:56Yeah.

19:56We really should find a way to exit Frank.

20:03The dog track, baby.

20:06$20, you ripped Dennis' jacket.

20:08$10, you're going to eat that gum off the floor.

20:10I'll do that.

20:10No, yeah.

20:10No, what are you doing?

20:12FX is sunny.

20:13All new next Wednesday at 9 on FXX.

20:17Stream on Google.

20:23Yeah.

20:23It's going to be with hope for Netflix.

20:29I don't forget it.

20:29I hold on.

20:35That sounds a đi.

20:36I'm not going to be with you.

20:37I was going to be with you.

20:38I was going to be with you.

20:38You can't do whatever.

20:40I've got a new case.

20:41You can't do it alone.

20:41I've got a new future.

20:42Home of affordability.

20:43You got a new.

20:45I can't do oh.

20:45We're up for it.

20:46I can't do it.

20:46You get a new suite.

20:47Yeah.

20:48I can't.

20:49I can't do it.

20:49I don't know what?

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