- il y a 6 mois
Ben Rosenfeld: Don't Shake Your Miracle (2020) is a stand-up comedy special featuring clever and thoughtful humor about parenthood, culture, and everyday life. With a unique perspective and sharp delivery, Ben Rosenfeld offers laughs that are both smart and relatable. A light-hearted performance perfect for fans of intelligent comedy.
Ben Rosenfeld Don't Shake Your Miracle, Ben Rosenfeld Don't Shake Your Miracle (2020), stand up comedy, comedy special, Ben Rosenfeld, 2020 comedy, clever humor, parenthood comedy, cultural observations, smart jokes, full comedy show, light-hearted performance, family-safe standup, funny life stories, observational humor, clean comedy, modern standup, full movie Ben Rosenfeld, witty comedy special
Ben Rosenfeld Don't Shake Your Miracle, Ben Rosenfeld Don't Shake Your Miracle (2020), stand up comedy, comedy special, Ben Rosenfeld, 2020 comedy, clever humor, parenthood comedy, cultural observations, smart jokes, full comedy show, light-hearted performance, family-safe standup, funny life stories, observational humor, clean comedy, modern standup, full movie Ben Rosenfeld, witty comedy special
Catégorie
🦄
Art et designTranscription
00:00:00Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:00:30Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
00:01:00Hi, I'm an immigrant and a nerd and a Jew.
00:01:04I'm what Fox News would call a triple threat.
00:01:11You know, being from Eastern Europe, that means I'm still a white male.
00:01:15But being foreign-born, it's like my social justice warrior invisibility cloak.
00:01:19Because they're like, you're an evil white man.
00:01:25And I'm like, immigrant.
00:01:29And they're like, damn it.
00:01:30My point is, not all white men are evil.
00:01:36No, only white men born in America.
00:01:41But Russia's evil too, maybe more so.
00:01:44Like, I don't know if you know, but in Russian universities, the easiest major is always political science.
00:01:49Because the answer to any question is, you poison them.
00:02:04You guys read in here, I like that.
00:02:06You're good readers.
00:02:08But yeah, you know, it's like, Congress won't pass your bill?
00:02:10Poison them.
00:02:11A Russian military officer turns out to be a British spy.
00:02:16Poison him and his daughter, extra credit.
00:02:21Or, uh, your spouse lets dinner get cold.
00:02:26No, you forgive them.
00:02:30And then when you're not expecting it, you poison their mom.
00:02:33But I enjoyed your enthusiasm for poison.
00:02:40You're now an honorary Russian.
00:02:43Welcome, comrade.
00:02:45Yeah, when people hear me speaking Russian, they think I'm plotting an election.
00:02:52So the mess of them, I'll be speaking English.
00:02:54And then answer my phone with,
00:02:55Da, što takoje, pričomu mne zvonjš?
00:03:02Pričom ziz Donald Trump?
00:03:07Peperoni, I wanted peperoni.
00:03:12They don't have it?
00:03:13Well, then poison them.
00:03:17There's gonna be like 15 more poison jokes, by the way.
00:03:20We might as well make this a drinking game.
00:03:22Every time I say poison, you drink.
00:03:24Poison.
00:03:27On about seven people playing.
00:03:29Okay, cool.
00:03:30I should warn you, though, by the end of this,
00:03:31you might get alcohol poisoning, as head is.
00:03:34Goes.
00:03:36Look, if some of you don't laugh louder, I'll poison you, okay?
00:03:43That is someone who's been poisoned before, apparently, is what that was.
00:03:47Some PTSD.
00:03:51Here's how Russian textbooks describe different forms of government.
00:03:53They're like, in a dictatorship, the dictator poisons everyone.
00:03:56In socialism, people poison each other.
00:04:02And in a democracy, Facebook poisons everyone.
00:04:09The fact that we laughed, clapped, and got a little sad.
00:04:14Yeah, it was the five stages of grief all in one.
00:04:16We did it, everyone.
00:04:17We did it.
00:04:17I've been told my jokes are very clever.
00:04:21Which means they're funnier the second time you hear them.
00:04:28I've been told my jokes are very clever.
00:04:30That was a test.
00:04:35You passed.
00:04:36Good job.
00:04:36You passed.
00:04:38I don't know about you, but, like, I've always wished I was dumber,
00:04:41because then I'd be happier.
00:04:44One other person is brilliant in here, apparently.
00:04:47But no, like, I'm valuable, you know, like, I'm no genius, but I'm usually in the top 10% of things.
00:04:54Except staying humble.
00:04:57See, like, top 10% is I was smart enough to get into a PhD program at Caltech.
00:05:03Yet dumb enough to quit to focus on comedy.
00:05:06Please laugh louder.
00:05:13Oh, check this out.
00:05:14Recently a pregnant friend of mine, she emailed me a link to a live stream of her baby's gender reveal party.
00:05:23Oh, this is the correct response.
00:05:25Yes.
00:05:26Yeah, because the only thing that revealed is I need new friends.
00:05:31Because that's not what I meant when I told her I like watching webcam girls.
00:05:36A lot of perverts in here.
00:05:40Nice.
00:05:43Now people are having gender reveal parties and baby showers.
00:05:46Like, that's too much celebrating.
00:05:47Like, do you know what a kid costs?
00:05:49You should probably be at work.
00:05:55And why is it that sex and gender means the same thing?
00:05:58But a gender reveal party is so different from a sex party.
00:06:06So I'm watching this live stream.
00:06:08And at one point my pregnant friend goes,
00:06:10The sonogram claims it's a boy.
00:06:13But we won't know for sure for a few years.
00:06:20Because he's not old enough to speak and decide for himself.
00:06:23And I'm thinking,
00:06:27There's no way I'm going to a second gender reveal party.
00:06:39By the way,
00:06:40Clap if you have kids in here.
00:06:42Okay, that's a lot of people.
00:06:44Okay, very nice.
00:06:45I like that.
00:06:46You see,
00:06:46My wife and I were thinking of becoming parents.
00:06:48Because we have a one-year-old.
00:06:51So.
00:06:54She'll probably make a final decision soon.
00:06:57Before the baby forms memories.
00:06:59That'd be
00:06:59Responsible.
00:07:04Thank you for understanding that this isn't literal.
00:07:08Yeah, I love my daughter.
00:07:10Uh, now.
00:07:13Yeah, I've loved her ever since I saw her.
00:07:15Sleep through the night.
00:07:16That's when.
00:07:20My heart melted.
00:07:23Yeah, I love my daughter.
00:07:24But I also love laughs.
00:07:26So thank you for not making me choose between.
00:07:29Because when you stare at me and don't laugh,
00:07:30You make me want to go home and shake my baby.
00:07:32Okay.
00:07:36Thank you.
00:07:36Most of you care about my daughter's welfare.
00:07:40And that's obviously sarcasm.
00:07:41I'm not going to shake my baby.
00:07:43No, don't shake your miracle.
00:07:44I'm going to shake my wife.
00:07:50Yeah, like a man.
00:07:55Whose woman is into choking?
00:07:56I love you too, you know.
00:08:00It's a fun joke to find out who's into choking.
00:08:02Most of us.
00:08:04Okay, cool.
00:08:05It's going to be fun.
00:08:08But I'll share this.
00:08:09So, you know, recently I couldn't get a babysitter.
00:08:13And honestly, like one thing I've been struggling with is like,
00:08:15How do I find a babysitter I can trust?
00:08:18So what I've started doing, and parents feel free to use this.
00:08:21This is my new screening process.
00:08:22I say, can I see your cell phone?
00:08:25They hand it to me.
00:08:26If your phone screen's cracked,
00:08:28then you can't watch my child.
00:08:35Because if you can't catch a phone,
00:08:36you can't catch a baby.
00:08:40If your phone screen isn't cracked,
00:08:42you also can't watch my child.
00:08:44Because you let me hold your phone,
00:08:46that's bad judgment.
00:08:49Yeah, I just sent all your nude pics
00:08:50to our previous babysitting applicant.
00:08:53Don't worry, she can't see them.
00:08:54Her screen's cracked.
00:08:57Yeah, so I couldn't get a babysitter,
00:08:58so I brought the baby with me to the comedy club.
00:09:01Yeah, and what I used to do,
00:09:02I'd have whatever woman would go,
00:09:04Ah, I'd have that comedian watch my baby.
00:09:09But then I realized,
00:09:10that's reinforcing the patriarchy.
00:09:12So now what I do instead,
00:09:13I find the biggest, blackest guy I can
00:09:15and have him watch my baby.
00:09:18Because I know he's got to be extra careful.
00:09:31It's going to get darker from here by a while.
00:09:36Yeah, so I take the baby with me
00:09:38and I give him to my friend.
00:09:39And as soon as I give my daughter to my friend,
00:09:41the baby starts crying.
00:09:42So immediately I get accusatory with my friend.
00:09:45I'm like, she was fine a second ago.
00:09:46What'd you do, your act?
00:09:51And he doesn't hesitate.
00:09:52He says, no, actually I did your act.
00:09:56And you know, yeah, we're messing with each other,
00:09:57but you know, I get it.
00:09:58Like, I remember back when I was single,
00:10:00whenever I'd hear someone's kid cry,
00:10:01I'd think like,
00:10:02what kind of horrible human
00:10:04isn't taking care of their child?
00:10:06But now I'm a dad,
00:10:07when I hear someone's kid cry,
00:10:08I'm like,
00:10:09that baby sounds like a dick.
00:10:11Like yesterday, all in two minutes,
00:10:21my baby, she laughed,
00:10:22cried, screamed, spit up,
00:10:24and fell asleep.
00:10:26All in two minutes.
00:10:28And I thought,
00:10:29no wonder she's so tired.
00:10:31For some young women in their early 20s,
00:10:33that's a full Friday night.
00:10:35Thank you, that took years of acting training.
00:10:53I'm about to go on stage,
00:10:55and I hear my baby crying in the other room.
00:10:57And honestly, like,
00:10:58I love when my daughter cries in public,
00:11:00because I know other people are listening.
00:11:02So I use it as an excuse
00:11:03to complain about my problems.
00:11:06You know, the baby's like,
00:11:07wah, and I'm like,
00:11:08you're right,
00:11:08mommy was mean to daddy.
00:11:13Wah, yeah,
00:11:14I don't know why she won't let daddy
00:11:15drink his special juice before noon.
00:11:20Wah, well,
00:11:21maybe daddy wouldn't be so thirsty
00:11:23if mommy touched him more often.
00:11:30But yeah, so I go on stage,
00:11:32and my baby's crying.
00:11:32And you know,
00:11:33I love my daughter,
00:11:34I love my daughter.
00:11:35So when I hear those stories
00:11:36where a baby won't stop crying,
00:11:37and the mom loses her shit,
00:11:39and drives her car into a lake,
00:11:40like, I just,
00:11:41yeah, I can't,
00:11:42I can't imagine why
00:11:44that's so rare.
00:11:51So I'm on stage,
00:11:52my baby's crying,
00:11:53like, super hard,
00:11:53and honestly,
00:11:54my daughter's great,
00:11:54she rarely cries that hard.
00:11:56Like, the only time she really cried
00:11:57was when I had to take her to a doctor
00:11:59to get a couple vaccinations.
00:12:00And after her vaccine,
00:12:02she spent the rest of the day crying.
00:12:04Which was really surprising,
00:12:06because I don't remember it hurting
00:12:07when I got autism.
00:12:08But it was even at her measles,
00:12:18so I chose to let her live.
00:12:19I chose life.
00:12:23And obviously,
00:12:24I'm making fun of that.
00:12:25I don't actually believe
00:12:25that vaccines cause autism.
00:12:27No, I know they do.
00:12:28I feel it in my aorta.
00:12:34Now, I'm being sarcastic,
00:12:35but you know,
00:12:36just to be safe for myself,
00:12:37I've stopped doing vaccinations
00:12:38because of the autism.
00:12:40Cause I don't want to get
00:12:41any more of it.
00:12:44It's good that you laugh there,
00:12:45but it also hurts my feelings
00:12:46a little bit.
00:12:49See, I feel I have
00:12:50just the right amount of autism.
00:12:52which is like having
00:12:55the right amount of alcohol.
00:12:57You know, a little bit
00:12:57and you're fun and focused,
00:12:59but too much
00:13:00and you can't talk.
00:13:06Here's how you know
00:13:06I'm actually on the spectrum.
00:13:09I kept going on and on about that,
00:13:11although most of you
00:13:11were not on board.
00:13:14That is bad social skills.
00:13:16If anyone needs me,
00:13:20I'll be in the corner
00:13:20counting toothpicks.
00:13:26Yeah, I have the kind of autism
00:13:28where you don't think I do
00:13:29until I say it
00:13:30and then you're like,
00:13:30oh, that makes sense.
00:13:36So I get off stage
00:13:37and I take my daughter right away
00:13:39and instantly,
00:13:39as soon as I'm holding her,
00:13:40she stops crying,
00:13:41which is super sweet.
00:13:43You know, so I'm holding
00:13:43my daughter in my arms
00:13:44and I realize
00:13:45I've created
00:13:46this beautiful baby girl
00:13:47as well as four comedy albums
00:13:49and a best-selling book.
00:13:58And when I hold
00:13:59my daughter in my arms,
00:14:00I know without a doubt
00:14:01that of all my creations,
00:14:02she is definitely top five.
00:14:07Have you heard my last album?
00:14:09It's a miracle.
00:14:12Yeah, so I'm holding her
00:14:13and she's calm.
00:14:14and my secret to a calm baby
00:14:15is whenever she gets upset,
00:14:16I'll just pick her up
00:14:17and down three times
00:14:18and she's all better.
00:14:19And I wish you could do that
00:14:21with adults, right?
00:14:23Like, she's leaving me,
00:14:24she's taking the house
00:14:26and the kids.
00:14:29Ooh, bubbles.
00:14:34Of course, if this was true,
00:14:36therapists would be out of business
00:14:37and fat people
00:14:38and fat people would be inconsolable.
00:14:48I'm sorry, buddy.
00:14:49There's no cure.
00:14:57So I'm holding my daughter
00:14:59in my arms
00:14:59and she's happy now
00:15:00and that's when I realized,
00:15:02that's when I realized,
00:15:03comedy is the only profession
00:15:04where you could be like,
00:15:05hey, watch my kid real quick,
00:15:06I gotta go work for 10 minutes.
00:15:10Yeah, only in comedy
00:15:11can you do that.
00:15:13Yeah.
00:15:13Oh, and stripping too.
00:15:15Yeah, definitely,
00:15:16definitely stripping.
00:15:18You know, it's like,
00:15:19why am I grinding
00:15:20to the Sesame Street theme song?
00:15:21Because it helps my baby
00:15:23fall asleep.
00:15:29I just realized
00:15:30I was twerking
00:15:31while saying grinding,
00:15:32but that's because
00:15:33I don't do either,
00:15:35apparently.
00:15:37The best part about
00:15:38being a stripper mom
00:15:39is you could be talking
00:15:42to your baby
00:15:43and the customer
00:15:44at the same time,
00:15:46saying the same thing.
00:15:48And they both think
00:15:52you're only talking to that.
00:15:55You know, it's like,
00:15:56who's a big boy?
00:15:57Yes, you are.
00:16:01Here, have a boobie.
00:16:05Oh no, you got it
00:16:06all over mama.
00:16:16I don't know why
00:16:17my stripper voice
00:16:18was deeper
00:16:18than my regular voice.
00:16:23Jobs.
00:16:23But by the way,
00:16:24clap if you like your job.
00:16:28Okay, that's
00:16:28a lot of people.
00:16:29This is an undercover boss.
00:16:31You don't have to lie
00:16:31to me or anything.
00:16:33Okay, and then clap
00:16:34if you don't like your job.
00:16:36Okay.
00:16:37Four very honest people.
00:16:39Okay, I like that.
00:16:40Good, good.
00:16:41Is everyone else
00:16:42unemployed or a student?
00:16:43What's going on?
00:16:43I know there's more
00:16:45than 12 people in here.
00:16:47One person enjoyed
00:16:50attendance jokes the most.
00:16:54See, I never understood
00:16:56why people would go
00:16:57to a job they hate
00:16:58for eight hours
00:16:59every day.
00:17:01then I had a child.
00:17:09And I love my daughter.
00:17:10I love my daughter.
00:17:11But I love her way more
00:17:12when I haven't seen her
00:17:12for eight days.
00:17:16I miss the soul-sucking
00:17:18quiet of a cubicle.
00:17:19And some people,
00:17:25they compare cubicles
00:17:26to prisons,
00:17:26which I guess makes sense
00:17:28because there's no loud
00:17:29little children in prison.
00:17:31No, just grown men
00:17:33calling each other daddy,
00:17:34but it's different.
00:17:35It's different.
00:17:39It's a fun one
00:17:40to find out
00:17:40who's been to jail.
00:17:41Not as many as I would
00:17:42have expected
00:17:42or who I would have
00:17:43expected.
00:17:44That's right.
00:17:45That's funny.
00:17:47Yeah, you know,
00:17:48before kids,
00:17:49my wife,
00:17:49she wanted to have
00:17:50two kids
00:17:50and I wanted one.
00:17:52And now that we have one,
00:17:53I want two
00:17:54and my wife wants none.
00:17:55Yeah, before kids,
00:17:59you know,
00:17:59I used to fantasize
00:18:00about doing dirty things
00:18:01with my wife,
00:18:02but not have a baby.
00:18:03You know what I fantasize
00:18:04about?
00:18:05Sleeping through the night.
00:18:07And it's like,
00:18:08do I want to do
00:18:08reverse cowgirl?
00:18:09If it'll help me
00:18:10sleep through the night.
00:18:13Should we have a threesome?
00:18:15Only if everyone promises
00:18:16to go to sleep right after.
00:18:21Should the three
00:18:22I be with my wife
00:18:23and another woman
00:18:24or my wife
00:18:24and another man?
00:18:26It should be forever
00:18:27I was going to take care
00:18:27of the baby
00:18:28so I can sleep
00:18:32through the night.
00:18:34But now having a baby
00:18:35and a family,
00:18:36it's a beautiful thing.
00:18:37Wear a condom.
00:18:38It's so precious.
00:18:42But the thing is,
00:18:42it's turned my wife
00:18:43into a bit of a liar, okay?
00:18:45Because my wife,
00:18:46she used to do this thing
00:18:47where she'd wake me for sex.
00:18:48I mean,
00:18:49not as often as I would want,
00:18:51but often enough
00:18:52to get me to propose.
00:18:55the women have some
00:18:58very knowing laughs right now.
00:19:00Yeah, she used to wake me for sex,
00:19:02but now she does this thing
00:19:03where she acts
00:19:04like she's waking me for sex.
00:19:05She's like,
00:19:06are you up?
00:19:07Are you ready?
00:19:08I'm like, I'm so ready.
00:19:09She's like,
00:19:10good, go check on the baby.
00:19:11I need to sleep
00:19:15through the night.
00:19:18But you know,
00:19:19what if a baby,
00:19:20like you feel more love,
00:19:20you feel more all sorts
00:19:21of emotions,
00:19:22but the thing is like,
00:19:23I'm a man and Russian,
00:19:25emotions are not my thing.
00:19:27Like, I feel emotions
00:19:28the way a woman
00:19:29feels a small dick.
00:19:30Like, yeah,
00:19:36technically it's inside,
00:19:37but is it?
00:19:41I can't feel anything.
00:19:43Is something wrong with me?
00:19:45Should I get new drapes?
00:19:48Oh, thank God it's over.
00:19:51I thought some men
00:19:52are getting very nervous right now.
00:19:55It's fine.
00:19:56But yeah, you know,
00:19:56you feel all sorts of emotions
00:19:57with a baby.
00:19:58Like, for example,
00:19:59a couple months back,
00:20:00my mom,
00:20:01she was watching the baby
00:20:02while I was home
00:20:03and the baby started crying.
00:20:05So my mom yelled
00:20:06at the baby for crying,
00:20:08which is crazy.
00:20:10So I yelled at my mom
00:20:12for yelling at the baby
00:20:13and my mom started crying.
00:20:19Then my wife yelled at me
00:20:21for yelling at my mom
00:20:22and I started crying.
00:20:26And my wife's never seen me
00:20:27get that emotional before.
00:20:28So she starts crying too.
00:20:32So there we are.
00:20:33We're all standing around
00:20:34sobbing like
00:20:35we just won an Oscar.
00:20:39I look back at the baby.
00:20:40Now she's asleep.
00:20:42Like, this is supposed to be
00:20:43a bundle of joy.
00:20:44You know, we're crying,
00:20:45we're screaming,
00:20:46we're at each other's throat.
00:20:47Like, my baby's turned us
00:20:48all against each other.
00:20:50And that's when it dawned on me.
00:20:52My baby's the next Trump.
00:21:00So I got her a Twitter account.
00:21:06And I went to her head
00:21:07because I tried to feed her
00:21:07the next day.
00:21:08And she just went,
00:21:08nah, nah, that's fake milk.
00:21:10And she was right.
00:21:14It was formula.
00:21:15She was right.
00:21:16The media really was against her.
00:21:20But I know we're lucky
00:21:21that all our parents,
00:21:22both our parents
00:21:23still watched the baby.
00:21:24And a little while back,
00:21:25my dad watched the baby
00:21:26and he did a great job.
00:21:27But when I came back,
00:21:29the baby was sleeping
00:21:29in the middle of his bed
00:21:31surrounded by pillows.
00:21:35Most of you seem to know,
00:21:36a few of you who don't,
00:21:37pillows suffocate babies.
00:21:40And a little backstory,
00:21:41back when my daughter
00:21:42was like a month old,
00:21:43my dad drove her.
00:21:44But instead of putting
00:21:44the seatbelt on the car seat,
00:21:46he put the seatbelt
00:21:46on her neck.
00:21:50Yeah, which is very dangerous
00:21:51and completely ineffective.
00:21:54You know, like putting
00:21:54the seatbelt on the neck
00:21:55instead of a car seat,
00:21:57that's like putting
00:21:57the condom on the balls
00:21:58instead of a shower.
00:22:02Which is how I have a baby.
00:22:07I practice safe teabagging.
00:22:12I love that the older people
00:22:14up front laugh the hardest
00:22:15on teabagging out of anyone.
00:22:17That's how you keep shit fresh.
00:22:18I like that, sir.
00:22:19I like that.
00:22:25So yeah, you know,
00:22:26when the seatbelt thing happened,
00:22:27I yelled at my dad
00:22:28and he said if I yell again,
00:22:29he won't watch the baby anymore.
00:22:31So back to the pillow suffocation,
00:22:33I learned my lesson.
00:22:34So I just said very calmly,
00:22:35I'm like, hey, for next time,
00:22:37please don't put pillows
00:22:38around the baby.
00:22:39It's dangerous.
00:22:40That's all I said,
00:22:41but he still got upset.
00:22:42And like, look,
00:22:43I understand when I talk
00:22:44all monotone,
00:22:45I give off serial killer vibes.
00:22:48I get that.
00:22:51I mean, like I've tried yelling,
00:22:52I've tried begging,
00:22:53I've tried whispering.
00:22:54My dad just won't listen to me.
00:22:56So the only thing left to do
00:22:58is poison him.
00:22:59In Russia,
00:23:05when you call poison control,
00:23:07they answered a phone with,
00:23:08oh no,
00:23:09you're still alive.
00:23:22Thank you for reporting
00:23:23product defect.
00:23:24Stay where you are
00:23:33or we'll send someone
00:23:34to finish job.
00:23:40If you're ever in Russia
00:23:41and the government's after you,
00:23:42maybe because you told
00:23:43too many poison jokes,
00:23:45if you're in Russia
00:23:46and the government's after you,
00:23:47the only safe place to eat
00:23:48is McDonald's.
00:23:50Because the workers are like,
00:23:52there's no need to listen
00:23:53to President Putin
00:23:54and poison him.
00:23:55Our food is poison enough.
00:23:58Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
00:24:00I'm drugging it.
00:24:04And see,
00:24:05my family,
00:24:05we came to this country
00:24:06when I was a little kid
00:24:07because my dad didn't think
00:24:09I was tough enough
00:24:10to make him the Russian army.
00:24:12That laugh hurt.
00:24:13You're not nice right there.
00:24:14That's not the funny part.
00:24:15You're very mean.
00:24:18Yeah, like see,
00:24:19once as a toddler,
00:24:20I skinned my knee
00:24:20and started crying.
00:24:22And my dad was like,
00:24:23he can't even pedal tricycle.
00:24:32He'll never be able
00:24:33to wipe out whole village.
00:24:41Yeah, when we came to America,
00:24:42my dad said I could never learn
00:24:43violin or kickboxing.
00:24:46I said violin,
00:24:47so my dad goes,
00:24:48okay, lesson one.
00:24:50Boom.
00:24:52violinists get bullied.
00:25:03First, learn kickboxing.
00:25:10So for the next two years,
00:25:11my dad paid a grown man
00:25:12to fight me in my basement.
00:25:13It was like Fight Club
00:25:18where it turned out
00:25:19the guy hitting me
00:25:20the whole time
00:25:20was my dad.
00:25:24That's why the first rule
00:25:25of Fight Club
00:25:26is you do not talk about
00:25:26Fight Club
00:25:27to Child Services.
00:25:34So my dad and his wife
00:25:36they have this cat
00:25:36that I'm horribly allergic to.
00:25:38Yeah, I'm allergic to this cat
00:25:40and you know,
00:25:41whenever I come over,
00:25:42my dad refuses to lock
00:25:43the cat in the bedroom
00:25:44because what if he has
00:25:46to go to bathroom?
00:25:48And I'm like,
00:25:48just put the litter box
00:25:49in the bedroom.
00:25:50And my dad says,
00:25:51no, he'll get confused.
00:25:55And I'm like,
00:25:56just tell me you don't love me.
00:25:57That is one person
00:26:04with a fractured relationship
00:26:05with their dad
00:26:06that really enjoyed that one.
00:26:08That was.
00:26:11But yeah,
00:26:11so you know,
00:26:12I have tried,
00:26:13I've tried taking
00:26:1324-hour Claritin
00:26:15and it helped.
00:26:16But 12 hours later,
00:26:17my dad's wife gave me
00:26:18a second 24-hour Claritin.
00:26:20Yeah, and I got so sleepy,
00:26:22I almost fell asleep
00:26:23while driving.
00:26:25Like, I'm pretty sure
00:26:26that a cat paid the wife
00:26:27to kill me.
00:26:30Here's how you know
00:26:31you're a loser
00:26:31is when your best
00:26:32drug overdose story
00:26:33is about Claritin.
00:26:39But Claritin's no joke.
00:26:41Like, you know,
00:26:41like, Claritin,
00:26:41if overdosing on Claritin
00:26:42makes you so sleepy,
00:26:44it should be called
00:26:44the low-budget Bill Cosby.
00:26:48That joke was sponsored
00:26:49by Zyrtec.
00:26:52But yeah,
00:26:52every time I come over
00:26:53to my dad's place,
00:26:54this cat comes right up to me.
00:26:55my dad picks him up,
00:26:56brings him to the other side
00:26:57of the house,
00:26:58and the cat comes right back at me.
00:27:00This cat will not be stopped.
00:27:02Like Harvey Weinstein.
00:27:06I knew the second time
00:27:07would be too much.
00:27:08But I pushed it on you anyway.
00:27:10Like Kevin Spacey.
00:27:16But, uh, yeah,
00:27:17you know,
00:27:17because my dad's Russian,
00:27:18he's like super paranoid
00:27:19about the government.
00:27:20So whenever we talk
00:27:21on the phone,
00:27:22we have to use
00:27:22super secret code words.
00:27:25So when he says,
00:27:26the raft is in the ocean,
00:27:29that means he moved
00:27:31the money offshore.
00:27:35And when he says,
00:27:36I like Igor,
00:27:38that means don't trust Igor.
00:27:41Or if he says,
00:27:42don't trust Igor,
00:27:44that means don't trust Igor.
00:27:46You should never trust
00:27:47anyone named Igor.
00:27:48if you remember
00:27:48nothing else from tonight,
00:27:49that is a very good
00:27:50life skill.
00:27:54Or, you know,
00:27:54if my dad says,
00:27:56we're all going to die,
00:27:58that means I love you.
00:28:02And if he says,
00:28:03I love you,
00:28:04that means Igor's
00:28:05in the ocean.
00:28:07Probably from poison.
00:28:11But, uh,
00:28:12immigrants,
00:28:12we have been getting
00:28:13a bad rap lately.
00:28:15But I don't know
00:28:15if you know,
00:28:16but immigrants,
00:28:16we actually commit fewer crimes
00:28:18than people born in America.
00:28:20Yeah, that's right.
00:28:21We finally found something
00:28:22that Americans can do
00:28:24better than immigrants.
00:28:28I don't think it's because
00:28:29immigrants are more
00:28:29law-abiding.
00:28:30No, I just think
00:28:31it's really hard
00:28:31to rob someone
00:28:32when they can't understand
00:28:33what the hell you're saying.
00:28:37You know, it's like,
00:28:38give me your bunny.
00:28:41Look, kids,
00:28:41it's an angry magician.
00:28:42Of course,
00:28:46an enterprising immigrant,
00:28:47they can have a gun
00:28:47in one hand
00:28:48and a phone with Google
00:28:49translate in the other.
00:28:51Then they'd be like,
00:28:52give me your money, bitch.
00:29:00Just not as intimidating.
00:29:04I'll have the other immigrants
00:29:05in the crowd,
00:29:06but whenever people find out
00:29:07I wasn't born in America,
00:29:08they always say
00:29:09the same thing.
00:29:09They're like,
00:29:10you know you can't be
00:29:11president, right?
00:29:12But you could be
00:29:13vice president.
00:29:15I feel like that's the only thing
00:29:17some Americans know
00:29:18about immigrants.
00:29:21Well, that and that
00:29:22some immigrants think
00:29:23deodorant is optional.
00:29:24I'm not naming nationalities.
00:29:30Indians
00:29:31make great doctors.
00:29:35Why did you guys laugh at that?
00:29:36Oh, did you think I was...
00:29:38That is messed up.
00:29:40Everyone knows
00:29:41it's Pakistanis
00:29:42who make great doctors.
00:29:46See, our Russians,
00:29:47Russians,
00:29:48we smell great
00:29:48because when we run
00:29:49out of deodorant,
00:29:50we use vodka.
00:29:51It kills all the
00:29:53smelly bacteria.
00:29:55And when we run
00:29:55out of vodka,
00:29:57we drink deodorant.
00:30:02Tastes like vanilla.
00:30:05So recently I'm in the car
00:30:06with a new friend of mine
00:30:07and for the first time
00:30:08I mentioned I'm foreign born.
00:30:09And right away he goes,
00:30:10you know you can't
00:30:11be president, right?
00:30:13And I'm like,
00:30:14it's not like you're
00:30:14one step away
00:30:15from being elected either.
00:30:16You're the one
00:30:21driving this Uber.
00:30:26Now take me to the pharmacy,
00:30:27I'm out of vodka.
00:30:30But uh,
00:30:30I'll assure this.
00:30:31So recently I was driving
00:30:33and I hit a car,
00:30:34I hit a BMW.
00:30:36Totally my fault
00:30:37in front of witnesses.
00:30:40And luckily nobody's injured.
00:30:42And it turns out
00:30:43I hit a Chinese couple
00:30:44on a dealership test drive.
00:30:48It gets better
00:30:49because right away
00:30:49the dealer comes out
00:30:50and he's like,
00:30:50my friend,
00:30:51let's not call the cops,
00:30:52just follow me
00:30:52to the dealership.
00:30:53And I'm like,
00:30:55yeah,
00:30:55motherfuck the police.
00:30:58Fucking with me
00:30:58because I'm a teenager
00:30:59with a little bit of gold
00:31:00and a pager.
00:31:03I'll stop, sorry.
00:31:06I realize NWA lyrics
00:31:08for me sound
00:31:09straight out of Connecticut.
00:31:10I know, I know.
00:31:11So we go to the dealership
00:31:14and it turns out
00:31:15it's not a BMW dealership
00:31:16but it's K's used cars
00:31:19where cars is spelled
00:31:21with a K
00:31:22for quality.
00:31:27Also with a K.
00:31:31So this is where I learned
00:31:33that this Chinese guy
00:31:34is new to America,
00:31:35doesn't have car insurance,
00:31:37and K's cars claims,
00:31:39KKK,
00:31:40that they only have
00:31:43car insurance
00:31:43when a car is on the lot.
00:31:45So now this car accident
00:31:46is no longer my fault
00:31:48because it's way more legal
00:31:49to drive without car insurance
00:31:51than it is to make a U-turn
00:31:53through 12 lanes of traffic.
00:31:57Yeah, I used to think
00:31:58I could only do a U-turn
00:31:59through one lane of traffic
00:32:00but thanks to self-help books
00:32:02and the power of positive thinking,
00:32:03now I can do 12 lanes
00:32:09and a divider
00:32:10because dividers
00:32:13are just barriers
00:32:14to our dreams.
00:32:18Like, do you understand?
00:32:19I went through
00:32:19this whole range of emotion
00:32:20from the panic
00:32:21of getting caught red-handed
00:32:22to the relief
00:32:24of getting away
00:32:24with it scot-free.
00:32:26So now,
00:32:28I know how O.J. Simpson
00:32:29felt after the acquittal.
00:32:30Do you understand the irony?
00:32:33I'm such a bad driver,
00:32:35I hit an Asian person.
00:32:39But Asians are so bad at driving,
00:32:41it was still their fault.
00:32:45USA.
00:32:48So I guess the moral
00:32:49of the story is
00:32:50whenever I'm rolling,
00:32:51keep looking in the mirror
00:32:52and ears on cue yo
00:32:53so I can hear ya.
00:32:56You have no idea
00:32:57how hard it was
00:32:58to find two NWA lyrics.
00:33:00that a guy as white as me
00:33:02could say out loud
00:33:03the struggle is real.
00:33:07But yeah,
00:33:07so after that,
00:33:08like, you know,
00:33:08I don't like driving,
00:33:09I hate driving,
00:33:10so I try to take public transit
00:33:11as much as possible.
00:33:12And I don't know about you,
00:33:13but whenever I'm on a crowded bus
00:33:15or train,
00:33:16and whenever it's crowded
00:33:17and I see a gross person
00:33:18sitting in a seat
00:33:19and they get up,
00:33:20I won't sit in that seat.
00:33:22Although I know logically
00:33:24at some point,
00:33:24a gross person
00:33:25has sat in every seat
00:33:26of the entire transit system.
00:33:28Hell, that's probably true
00:33:31of any public space.
00:33:33A gross person
00:33:33might have sat in your seat
00:33:34at some point.
00:33:36They might be sitting
00:33:36there right now.
00:33:42So a couple months back,
00:33:44I'm sitting on a crowded train.
00:33:45I get up,
00:33:46and I notice
00:33:47no one took my seat.
00:33:48and I was like,
00:33:53I gotta turn my life around.
00:33:57I showered,
00:33:58my clothing's normal.
00:33:59Can they see my soul?
00:34:03So I stopped
00:34:04taking public transit.
00:34:06And now I take Ubers.
00:34:08Do we Uber
00:34:08or just drunk drive?
00:34:09What are we doing in here?
00:34:11Little above,
00:34:12drunk drive.
00:34:13See, I feel like
00:34:14when you get in an Uber,
00:34:15there's a certain etiquette, right?
00:34:17Like, you know,
00:34:17I chat for a minute,
00:34:19then I put in my headphones
00:34:20and text my wife,
00:34:21oh my God,
00:34:21my driver won't stop talking.
00:34:24Which is similar
00:34:25to my post-sex etiquette.
00:34:28I chat for a minute,
00:34:30then text my Uber driver,
00:34:31oh my God,
00:34:31my wife won't stop talking.
00:34:36So a little while back,
00:34:37I was having such a good conversation
00:34:38with my Uber driver
00:34:39that I felt rude
00:34:40putting in my headphones.
00:34:42Have you had this happen?
00:34:43One very emphatic no,
00:34:46okay.
00:34:47Well, it's fine
00:34:48when it's like a 10-minute drive,
00:34:49but this was a two-hour drive
00:34:51from the airport to a gig,
00:34:53and I was in the middle
00:34:53of the Game of Thrones finale.
00:34:56And then an out of this drive,
00:34:58my Uber gets into a car crash.
00:35:00Yeah, luckily nobody's injured,
00:35:02and even better,
00:35:03now I don't have to give
00:35:04the driver a tip.
00:35:06Not to be a Jew,
00:35:07but it walks like a duck
00:35:10and talks like a duck.
00:35:11But chayim, everyone.
00:35:13Chayim.
00:35:15So as the cop fills out paperwork,
00:35:17me and the driver
00:35:18have even more to talk about.
00:35:20So I still can't put in
00:35:21my headphones.
00:35:22Hey, whenever I'm talking
00:35:23to an Uber driver
00:35:24or a coffee barista,
00:35:25I always take out one headphone
00:35:27because I'm not rude.
00:35:28But I keep the other one in
00:35:29because I still want this to end.
00:35:31Oh, by the way,
00:35:36have you ever taken Uber
00:35:37from the scene of a car accident
00:35:39with your old Uber?
00:35:42I imagine it's like
00:35:43having your new spouse
00:35:44pick you up from the funeral
00:35:45of your old spouse.
00:35:48The new one's gonna be careful.
00:35:52So that's where it gets
00:35:54controversial in the back.
00:35:55Welcome to the show, everyone.
00:35:56Welcome.
00:35:58Sitting at the first 30 minutes,
00:36:00now you're like,
00:36:00okay, now we're invested.
00:36:03So as I'm about to call
00:36:04the new Uber,
00:36:05the cop offers me a ride.
00:36:07And I'm thinking,
00:36:07great, I can finally
00:36:08put in my headphones.
00:36:10But this cop,
00:36:11she starts chatting me up.
00:36:12She asks me where I'm headed.
00:36:13And I tell her,
00:36:13I'm gonna go perform
00:36:14for Russian Jews
00:36:15who are really bad laughers.
00:36:17So honestly,
00:36:18I don't ever be back
00:36:19at the car accident.
00:36:22Like, you know,
00:36:23usually when Russians watch me,
00:36:25they just nod but don't laugh.
00:36:30Like, true, but why funny?
00:36:38Wife talk too much
00:36:39after sex,
00:36:40your point?
00:36:44Two drink minimum,
00:36:46what is this,
00:36:46preschool?
00:36:47I came to watch a plane,
00:36:54I put the baby to sleep.
00:36:58Like, the last time
00:36:59I performed for Russian Jews,
00:37:00it actually started out
00:37:01really well,
00:37:02better than this even.
00:37:06Now, everyone's laughing,
00:37:08and one guy,
00:37:09he's laughing and clapping,
00:37:10so I think I'm doing
00:37:10extra well with him.
00:37:11turns out there was a fly
00:37:14and he was
00:37:15killing a fly.
00:37:19And then there was
00:37:19this other lady
00:37:20in the front row,
00:37:21she was laughing
00:37:22while saying stop it
00:37:23and continuing to laugh.
00:37:28She was like,
00:37:28ha ha ha, stop it,
00:37:29ha ha ha.
00:37:32And I told her,
00:37:33this is why men
00:37:35get confused sometimes.
00:37:39Please don't protest me.
00:37:41But yeah,
00:37:43my point is,
00:37:44you guys are a fantastic audience,
00:37:46but sometimes I perform
00:37:46for people that make me
00:37:48wish I was back
00:37:48at the car accident.
00:37:51So, you know,
00:37:52the cop,
00:37:52she gives me a ride,
00:37:53but not to the gig,
00:37:54it was too far away.
00:37:55She drops me off
00:37:55at the closest Tim Hortons,
00:37:57which is like a Canadian
00:37:58Dunkin' Donuts.
00:37:59And at Tim Hortons,
00:38:01I ate five donuts,
00:38:03because I just cheated death,
00:38:04so I'm no longer afraid
00:38:05of saturated fat.
00:38:08Yeah, Tim Hortons,
00:38:09it's named after
00:38:09a Canadian hockey player
00:38:11who died in a car crash.
00:38:14No joke there,
00:38:15just an ironic
00:38:16Snapple fact.
00:38:20So I eat my donuts,
00:38:21get in my new Uber,
00:38:22the driver asks me
00:38:23how my day's going.
00:38:25And as I'm in the middle
00:38:26of telling him
00:38:26this whole story,
00:38:28he puts in his headphones.
00:38:35So I poisoned him.
00:38:36In Russia,
00:38:44you can tell how big time
00:38:45of a politician you are
00:38:46based on what method
00:38:47they use to kill you.
00:38:49You know,
00:38:49like a gun to the back
00:38:50of the head,
00:38:50you're a basic bitch.
00:38:53But if they use polonium-210
00:38:55from some secret
00:38:56underground lab,
00:38:57you could have been
00:38:57the next Russian president.
00:38:59Your kids will be bragging
00:39:01to your grandkids,
00:39:03Grandpa got the
00:39:04Rolls Royce of poison.
00:39:07One day,
00:39:08they'll write
00:39:09the hip hop musical
00:39:10about him.
00:39:14That's right,
00:39:14this is the closest
00:39:15you're going to get
00:39:15to seeing Hamilton tonight.
00:39:16I just saved you $400.
00:39:19You are welcome.
00:39:20You are welcome.
00:39:22But you should know,
00:39:23I feel you're learning
00:39:24lots about Russians.
00:39:25You should know,
00:39:26there's two types of Russians.
00:39:27There's like the lawyer,
00:39:28engineer, hacker,
00:39:30usually Russian Jews like me.
00:39:32And then there's the Russian
00:39:33for when you need a kidney
00:39:34and you're not on the list.
00:39:39That guy is useful.
00:39:42He'll get you like four kidneys
00:39:43and a loaf of bread.
00:39:46Four kidneys
00:39:48and a loaf of bread.
00:39:49That's a sandwich
00:39:50you can't get at Quiznos.
00:39:54Maybe Quiznowski's.
00:39:56Not a real place.
00:39:57Please don't look it up
00:39:58on your phone.
00:40:00I am on my phone too much,
00:40:02though.
00:40:02Anyone else want to admit?
00:40:04Yeah, some sad hand raises.
00:40:06And some of you
00:40:07on your phone right now
00:40:08is what this feels like.
00:40:10Yeah, I'm on my phone too much,
00:40:11but I'm trying to be better.
00:40:12You know, like I'm reading
00:40:13a book called
00:40:13Digital Minimalism
00:40:15about using my phone less.
00:40:16But I'm reading it
00:40:18on a Kindle.
00:40:19It's a lateral move.
00:40:23But if I really wanted
00:40:24to use my phone less,
00:40:25I'd move to someplace
00:40:26that limits data,
00:40:27like Cuba
00:40:28or T-Mobile.
00:40:35The other week,
00:40:36I'm walking down the street.
00:40:37I see a guy in a phone booth.
00:40:39I'm like,
00:40:39like, oh,
00:40:39you're using a pay phone.
00:40:41You must be a fugitive
00:40:42or T-Mobile customer.
00:40:47He says,
00:40:48no, I just need
00:40:48a quiet place to do drugs.
00:40:52Please don't call the cops.
00:40:54I'm like,
00:40:54don't worry,
00:40:55I have T-Mobile.
00:40:56I can't.
00:40:57Call the cops.
00:41:02And I'm concerned.
00:41:04I'm afraid that,
00:41:04you know,
00:41:05I'm always on my phone
00:41:05that I'm afraid
00:41:06I'm going to leave
00:41:07my daughter somewhere
00:41:08because I'm always
00:41:08checking the thing.
00:41:09Like, here's how bad
00:41:10my addiction's gotten.
00:41:11I wake up in the morning.
00:41:13First thing I do,
00:41:13I check on my phone.
00:41:15Then an hour later,
00:41:16I check on my baby
00:41:17using my phone's
00:41:19Wi-Fi camera
00:41:20when we live in a studio.
00:41:25And my baby's addicted too.
00:41:27You know,
00:41:27she's a year old,
00:41:27so she's saying
00:41:28little words like
00:41:29hi and bye,
00:41:29and she thinks
00:41:30any rectangular object
00:41:31is a phone.
00:41:32Like, she'll pick up
00:41:32my wallet, hi.
00:41:34Remote control, hi.
00:41:35Ice cream sandwich, hi.
00:41:38The only thing she picks up
00:41:40and doesn't say hi into
00:41:41is my phone
00:41:41because I have T-Mobile.
00:41:46So, uh,
00:41:46so to keep my daughter safe,
00:41:48what I've started doing,
00:41:49now I keep my cell phone
00:41:50around my daughter's neck.
00:41:53Because that way
00:41:54I won't forget her
00:41:55in a hot car.
00:42:00Because I'm not going to
00:42:00leave without my cell phone.
00:42:04I'm just like,
00:42:05oh no, my baby.
00:42:12Plus, keeping my cell phone
00:42:13around her neck,
00:42:14it builds her neck muscles.
00:42:16So if someone else
00:42:17leaves her in a hot car,
00:42:18she'll be able
00:42:19to headbutt her way out.
00:42:20yeah, I'm training
00:42:23a survivor.
00:42:25And I mean, sure, look,
00:42:26keeping my phone
00:42:27around her neck
00:42:27in the back seat,
00:42:28yeah, of course,
00:42:29it makes it harder
00:42:29for me to text and drive,
00:42:31but...
00:42:32I manage, you know.
00:42:36The key is to just
00:42:38not look for a couple
00:42:38seconds and believe
00:42:39in God, that's all.
00:42:40I like that most of you
00:42:45get this and some of you
00:42:46are horrified right now.
00:42:48Again, this isn't literal.
00:42:49I only play a sociopath
00:42:50on stage.
00:42:52I'm saying horrible things
00:42:53to make fun of horrible things.
00:42:55I think by now you understand
00:42:57that I have a good heart
00:42:58for sale on Russian eBay.
00:43:00I am
00:43:01a good person.
00:43:05You know, like,
00:43:06I'm always on my phone,
00:43:08but I hate actually
00:43:08talking on the phone.
00:43:10I think it's because
00:43:10I'm a millennial.
00:43:11I find it very intrusive.
00:43:13Like, if I ever worked
00:43:14at a suicide hotline
00:43:15and someone called me up
00:43:18like, I want to end it,
00:43:21I'd say,
00:43:21you could have just
00:43:22texted me that.
00:43:26If you call me again,
00:43:27I'll kill you.
00:43:33I realize this is getting
00:43:35too dark for some of you
00:43:36right now,
00:43:36but this is hilarious
00:43:37in Russia, okay?
00:43:40You need to be more
00:43:41sensitive to my culture.
00:43:44They've actually done
00:43:45studies where the birth
00:43:46of your first child
00:43:48decreases your happiness
00:43:49more than unemployment,
00:43:52divorce,
00:43:52or death of a spouse.
00:43:55Yeah, so you know
00:43:56you're supposed to
00:43:56baby-proof the home
00:43:57by covering electrical
00:43:58sockets,
00:43:59closing bleach bottles,
00:44:00and hiding sharp objects?
00:44:02Turns out,
00:44:03it's for you.
00:44:10It's a dark one,
00:44:11but a fun one.
00:44:14So why not?
00:44:15We can decide.
00:44:16I'll let you decide.
00:44:17Do you want to hear
00:44:17dark jokes or Disney jokes?
00:44:18Yell it out.
00:44:19Dark or Disney?
00:44:20Dark!
00:44:21Dark.
00:44:22Sounded like 15 to 1
00:44:23for dark and one nice lady.
00:44:25Please, Disney, please.
00:44:26I can't take anymore.
00:44:29All right, we'll go with dark,
00:44:30but dark wins.
00:44:31But from now on,
00:44:32you guys can't hold back
00:44:33because you chose this.
00:44:35And for those of you
00:44:35who stayed quiet,
00:44:36this was your
00:44:37Me Too moment,
00:44:37and you blew it.
00:44:38in this political climate,
00:44:43I refuse to hug my daughter
00:44:45until she's old enough
00:44:46to give her verbal consent.
00:44:55The other day,
00:44:56I'm alone with her.
00:44:56She has a dirty diaper.
00:44:58I say,
00:44:58do I have your permission
00:44:59to touch you and change it?
00:45:00She goes,
00:45:03I'm like,
00:45:11I guess you're sitting in it then.
00:45:14Because yeah,
00:45:15sometimes my daughter,
00:45:16she'll stick out her arms,
00:45:17but I can't be certain
00:45:18what she wants.
00:45:20Later on,
00:45:21later on,
00:45:22I won't be able
00:45:22to defend myself
00:45:23if no, no, no,
00:45:24you're on or
00:45:24you don't understand.
00:45:26She was sucking her thumb,
00:45:27so she was practically
00:45:28asking for it.
00:45:30You guys want it dark,
00:45:34it's getting fucking dark.
00:45:35You did this to yourselves.
00:45:41I'm pretty sure
00:45:41that whoever invented
00:45:42the martini shaker
00:45:43must have had
00:45:44a small child at home.
00:45:50They were like,
00:45:50I just need a way
00:45:51to get out
00:45:52all this aggression.
00:45:55Now,
00:45:56where did I put
00:45:56that martini shaker?
00:46:00That's my favorite joke
00:46:03right now.
00:46:05Do you want to hear
00:46:06the darkest thing
00:46:07I ever said?
00:46:08Of course.
00:46:09About four people.
00:46:11I like how two minutes ago,
00:46:1212 people were like,
00:46:12woo, darkness.
00:46:14And three jokes into dark,
00:46:15you're like,
00:46:15maybe we made
00:46:16a horrible mistake.
00:46:21So my wife,
00:46:22she was super excited
00:46:22to find out
00:46:23why we were having
00:46:23a girl
00:46:24because she thought
00:46:25that meant
00:46:25we'd save money
00:46:26on the circumcision.
00:46:32And I was like,
00:46:33what are you talking about?
00:46:35Now we've got to pay
00:46:36for a flight
00:46:36to the Middle East
00:46:37or Africa.
00:46:37but that is
00:46:38way more expensive.
00:46:51And obviously,
00:46:52I don't condone that.
00:46:53That's not my culture.
00:46:54I don't condone it.
00:46:54I'm just raising awareness.
00:46:57I feel most of you
00:46:58don't think
00:46:58that raised awareness.
00:47:01Well, guess what?
00:47:03Neither do any
00:47:03of your Facebook posts.
00:47:04Woo!
00:47:05That was my touchdown dance.
00:47:11It raised awareness
00:47:12for not raising awareness.
00:47:16I feel like some of you
00:47:17are regretting
00:47:18that we chose dark right now.
00:47:20But I'm going to do
00:47:21the one Disney joke I have
00:47:22and then you'll see
00:47:22you made a good decision.
00:47:27Some of you might be thinking
00:47:29this voting was rigged.
00:47:31You might also be correct.
00:47:33Welcome to America.
00:47:35That was the line.
00:47:38The circumcision joke.
00:47:39You're like,
00:47:39okay, that's a fun one.
00:47:41But American voting,
00:47:42you've gone too far.
00:47:45You know,
00:47:46I've only been a dad
00:47:47for a little over a year
00:47:48and already I'm making
00:47:49terrible dad jokes.
00:47:51Like sometimes my daughter,
00:47:52she'll get the hiccups
00:47:53and I'll be like,
00:47:53oh no,
00:47:54you have the hiccups.
00:47:55Those are the worst
00:47:56kind of cups.
00:48:01Except eight cups.
00:48:07I don't make the rules,
00:48:08everyone.
00:48:08That's just society.
00:48:13Other times,
00:48:14other times my daughter,
00:48:14she'll be asleep.
00:48:15She'll be asleep
00:48:16and wake up with a startle.
00:48:19And I go,
00:48:19oh no,
00:48:20you're having baby mares
00:48:21and you're not even a horse.
00:48:27I know,
00:48:28I'm not proud of myself.
00:48:29I'm sorry.
00:48:29I'm not proud of myself.
00:48:32In my defense,
00:48:33these jokes are still
00:48:34in their infancy.
00:48:39You're right,
00:48:39you're right.
00:48:40I should just go home
00:48:40and assemble an Ikea shelf.
00:48:42I know.
00:48:43But yeah,
00:48:44my daughter,
00:48:44she'll be sleeping.
00:48:45She'll have a baby mare.
00:48:46Wake up,
00:48:47see me
00:48:48and realize
00:48:48this isn't a nightmare.
00:48:50This is reality.
00:48:52This guy's actually my dad.
00:48:55And then she really starts crying.
00:49:01But you know,
00:49:02my wife and I were actually,
00:49:03my wife and I were both Jewish.
00:49:05And before we try to have a kid,
00:49:06we have to take a DNA test
00:49:07to make sure we don't have
00:49:09any Jewish genetic conditions.
00:49:11And the way the test works
00:49:12is the doctor takes some blood,
00:49:14sends it to a lab,
00:49:15and you get a bill.
00:49:18And if you don't argue to Bill,
00:49:22you don't have the disease.
00:49:29Because you're not Jewish.
00:49:36I'm excited to have a,
00:49:38you know,
00:49:38I'm excited to be a dad,
00:49:39but like,
00:49:40if I'm being honest,
00:49:41I'm also nervous and scared,
00:49:42you know,
00:49:43because being a parent's forever.
00:49:44Like,
00:49:45what if I stopped liking it
00:49:46in a few years?
00:49:48I can't just put my daughter
00:49:50on Craigslist.
00:49:52Like she's some used furniture.
00:49:55Now,
00:49:55only a sociopath
00:49:56would do such a thing.
00:49:59It would make for a great post, though.
00:50:03Right?
00:50:03Think about that for sale ad,
00:50:05like,
00:50:05uh,
00:50:05white baby,
00:50:07barely used,
00:50:10mint condition,
00:50:11upscale Jewish brand.
00:50:15$10,000 or best offer.
00:50:18But you can't do that, right?
00:50:19No,
00:50:19this isn't Russia.
00:50:23Well,
00:50:23not yet.
00:50:26That's right.
00:50:27Any day now.
00:50:28It is happening.
00:50:28Any day.
00:50:31Oh,
00:50:31God,
00:50:32indeed.
00:50:32I feel like you guys
00:50:33are getting offended on this.
00:50:34You know,
00:50:34I'm making jokes,
00:50:35but we're all on the same team,
00:50:36everyone.
00:50:37Team Putin.
00:50:38and it's all one team.
00:50:41But,
00:50:41my daughter,
00:50:42she is,
00:50:42she's actually an anchor baby.
00:50:45Not because I don't have citizenship.
00:50:47No,
00:50:47but because she's weighing us down financially.
00:50:53She is very adorable dead weight.
00:50:58And I can't,
00:50:59you know,
00:51:00I can't afford to take my daughter
00:51:01to Disneyland.
00:51:02So,
00:51:02what I do instead,
00:51:04I send her through to Car Wash.
00:51:08windows up,
00:51:11it's a better version of the teacups.
00:51:13Windows down,
00:51:14it's the log ride.
00:51:18She comes out of the Car Wash.
00:51:20A bunch of guys dry off the car.
00:51:22She's surrounded by a group of men.
00:51:25It's the Tower of Terror.
00:51:28It's a very pro-feminist joke
00:51:30if you think about it.
00:51:31But I,
00:51:33you know,
00:51:33recently I was complaining
00:51:34to a single friend of mine
00:51:35that nowadays a good baby stroller
00:51:37costs over $800.
00:51:40And my friend goes,
00:51:41oh,
00:51:41why don't you just get a cheap stroller
00:51:43and an expensive helmet?
00:51:44so my friend will not be babysitting
00:51:53until we buy the helmet.
00:51:58And the same friend,
00:51:59when my wife was pregnant,
00:52:00he asked us,
00:52:01did we want a boy or a girl?
00:52:02And I answered,
00:52:03honestly,
00:52:03I said a boy.
00:52:05And my friend goes,
00:52:05you should just want to be healthy.
00:52:08And I was like,
00:52:09did you just set me up
00:52:10so you could feel like a good person?
00:52:13So after that,
00:52:15whenever someone would ask
00:52:15if we want a boy or a girl,
00:52:16I'd answer in code.
00:52:18I'd say,
00:52:18I want to be healthy
00:52:19and pee standing up.
00:52:26It's a very slow roller
00:52:27for some reason.
00:52:29Everyone enjoyed it,
00:52:30but at a different time.
00:52:34But you know,
00:52:34as a man,
00:52:35as a man,
00:52:35like having a daughter,
00:52:36I love my daughter,
00:52:37but like as a man,
00:52:37having a girl,
00:52:38like it has me seen things
00:52:39I never noticed before.
00:52:41Like I never realized
00:52:42how in our society,
00:52:44how important it is
00:52:45to be pretty.
00:52:47Like regardless of your politics,
00:52:48you have to admit,
00:52:49if Hillary Clinton
00:52:50looked like Scarlett Johansson,
00:52:52no one give a damn
00:52:53about her emails.
00:52:56They'd be like,
00:52:56oh my God,
00:52:57she emails?
00:52:58She's just like us.
00:53:02And she set up her own server?
00:53:03She's so smart.
00:53:05Yeah, you know,
00:53:13when my wife was pregnant,
00:53:14we took a bourbon class
00:53:16and we failed it.
00:53:20But at least I didn't need
00:53:21a class on how to get
00:53:21my wife pregnant.
00:53:22What's up?
00:53:24That was the worst high five
00:53:25we've ever,
00:53:26I've ever done in my life.
00:53:27Let's try that again.
00:53:28There you go.
00:53:29Yeah, I didn't like
00:53:30this bourbon class.
00:53:31Like at one point,
00:53:32the instructor said,
00:53:33birth is a marathon
00:53:35of indeterminate length.
00:53:39So not a marathon.
00:53:44A marathon is a very
00:53:45determined 26.2 miles.
00:53:50And like,
00:53:50I don't know if our birth instructor,
00:53:51if she was super racist
00:53:53or just from Texas.
00:53:57But she started saying
00:53:58these crazy things.
00:53:59Like at one point she said,
00:54:01yeah, Asians can't
00:54:02feel pain.
00:54:06Which is wrong.
00:54:09But would explain Karai.
00:54:16She actually said that.
00:54:18She said,
00:54:18Asians can't feel pain
00:54:19while we had four Asian people
00:54:22in our class.
00:54:23And they all laughed.
00:54:26Which proved her point.
00:54:28not a single one said,
00:54:31that comment no good.
00:54:38It's a slightly racist
00:54:39anti-racism joke.
00:54:42And you know,
00:54:43when my wife was pregnant,
00:54:44you know,
00:54:44I'd go to all the prenatal visits.
00:54:46And I remember
00:54:47one of the prenatal visits,
00:54:49the nurse says,
00:54:50your baby keeps moving away
00:54:51from the ultrasound.
00:54:52so I say,
00:54:55maybe that's because
00:54:55my daughter doesn't want
00:54:56big brother listening in.
00:54:59That's pretty good
00:55:00for hospital humor, right?
00:55:02Yeah,
00:55:02the nurse gives me nothing.
00:55:04Pretend she didn't even hear me.
00:55:05So I turned to my wife,
00:55:06I'm like,
00:55:06come on,
00:55:07that was funny, right?
00:55:08And my wife's like,
00:55:08uh-huh, sorry,
00:55:09I wasn't paying attention.
00:55:10I was respecting our daughter's
00:55:12right to privacy.
00:55:16And the thing is,
00:55:16like with comedians,
00:55:17when someone doesn't laugh
00:55:18at one of our jokes,
00:55:19it hurts her feelings.
00:55:20Even if it's in a hospital.
00:55:23But this nurse,
00:55:24she's in a customer-facing position.
00:55:27So to get my revenge,
00:55:28I just start being super annoying
00:55:29and she has to take it.
00:55:31You know,
00:55:31I say,
00:55:32uh,
00:55:32excuse me,
00:55:33how much to upgrade
00:55:34this ultrasound
00:55:34to a mega sound.
00:55:39If this sound is so ultra,
00:55:41why can't I hear it?
00:55:43Can only dogs hear it?
00:55:45Are we having puppies?
00:55:49And that's how I got banned
00:55:50from the prenatal unit.
00:55:54So after that,
00:55:54whenever my wife would go
00:55:55for her visits,
00:55:56I'd have to stay home
00:55:57and listen to our neighbors argue.
00:55:59Yeah, they're not doing well.
00:56:01I know,
00:56:01not just because of all the yelling,
00:56:03but because I opened their mail.
00:56:04Those credit card bills
00:56:09are killing them.
00:56:12And they're actually
00:56:13also expecting a baby,
00:56:15which I found out
00:56:16from opening their mail
00:56:17and Googling their baby registry.
00:56:22And, you know,
00:56:22they were asking for
00:56:23a cheapo $100 stroller.
00:56:25So I bought them a helmet.
00:56:30Like, I'd say my favorite thing
00:56:32about being married
00:56:33is now I can go to a bar
00:56:34and I don't have to pretend
00:56:36I'm having fun.
00:56:39Yeah, I could just be miserable
00:56:41in the corner.
00:56:42And my chances of getting laid
00:56:43stay the exact same.
00:56:46As long as we're home by 10.
00:56:50But the thing is,
00:56:51like, my wife,
00:56:51she thinks I'm a sex addict
00:56:52because I want to do it daily.
00:56:54and I told her I'm willing to compromise
00:56:57five times a week.
00:56:59And she says,
00:57:00that sounds like a job.
00:57:02And I'm like,
00:57:03yeah, because marriage takes work.
00:57:06At least we could work from home.
00:57:07And she says,
00:57:10I'd rather we videoconference.
00:57:15And I'm like,
00:57:15don't make me find an intern
00:57:16who'll do this
00:57:17for the experience
00:57:18and college credit.
00:57:20I will do.
00:57:21Have you ever heard
00:57:25of the expression
00:57:25couples who pray together
00:57:27stay together?
00:57:28A few people.
00:57:29I think it's big
00:57:30in the Midwest and South.
00:57:31Couples who pray together
00:57:31stay together.
00:57:33You know,
00:57:33my wife and I,
00:57:33we don't pray,
00:57:34but we meditate.
00:57:36And couples who meditate together
00:57:37still masturbate alone.
00:57:40hum hum hum hum.
00:57:50I remember like
00:57:52when we first got together,
00:57:53my wife and I,
00:57:53we were doing it all the time.
00:57:55Then it went down.
00:57:55And when we got married,
00:57:56it actually went up
00:57:57a little again.
00:57:58I know because
00:57:59I'm charting all of this.
00:58:02A very extensive
00:58:03Excel spreadsheet for it.
00:58:06But like now,
00:58:07now we got to put sex
00:58:08in our calendars
00:58:08twice a week.
00:58:10Yeah, it sucks.
00:58:11It feels like
00:58:11I'm on sex food stamps.
00:58:14Where instead of
00:58:15showing my EBT card,
00:58:16I show my raw card.
00:58:20I thought you laughed
00:58:20and groaned
00:58:21and looked down in horror
00:58:22all at the same time.
00:58:25But you know,
00:58:25this is scientifically true
00:58:26by scientists.
00:58:27They've done scientific studies
00:58:29that as a man,
00:58:31if you want to decrease
00:58:32your odds of getting
00:58:32prostate cancer,
00:58:34you should release
00:58:35at least five times a week.
00:58:36Oh.
00:58:40Yeah, so I told my wife,
00:58:42I told my wife,
00:58:43it's like you don't care
00:58:44if I get prostate cancer.
00:58:46I might as well start smoking
00:58:48to speed up
00:58:49what you're doing to me.
00:58:53And she says,
00:58:53smoking's disgusting.
00:58:55And I'm like,
00:58:56well, maybe I would have
00:58:56to resort to this
00:58:57if you spend more time
00:58:58being disgusting
00:58:59in the bedroom.
00:59:00That week,
00:59:02we didn't even do it once.
00:59:05Pick your battles, everyone.
00:59:07Pick your battles.
00:59:09But no,
00:59:09we have a great relationship.
00:59:11And I'd say,
00:59:12here's what I've realized.
00:59:13Like,
00:59:13the more a couple
00:59:14posts lovey-dovey photos
00:59:15on Facebook,
00:59:17the worse
00:59:17their actual relationship.
00:59:21You know,
00:59:21like my wife and I,
00:59:21we posted one wedding photo,
00:59:23one baby photo.
00:59:24That's it.
00:59:24We actually love each other.
00:59:26But I have a friend,
00:59:26maybe you have one
00:59:27like this too.
00:59:28Anytime I'd see him
00:59:28in person,
00:59:29he'd be like,
00:59:30my wife and I
00:59:30haven't had sex
00:59:31in two years,
00:59:31I can't take this.
00:59:33Then online I'd see,
00:59:34I love my wife so much.
00:59:37She's the best.
00:59:40It's like he was
00:59:41trying to guilt her
00:59:42into being a better spouse.
00:59:45Or she kept
00:59:45hacking his account.
00:59:50The next time
00:59:50I saw my friend,
00:59:52I thought,
00:59:53you're ruining
00:59:53our relationship
00:59:54because I see you lying.
00:59:56So now,
00:59:57I don't want to
00:59:57sleep with you either.
00:59:58That's what I thought.
01:00:01But all I said was,
01:00:03let's take a selfie.
01:00:06And I captioned it,
01:00:07great hanging
01:00:08with my buddy today.
01:00:10Then I went home
01:00:11and told my wife
01:00:11what a piece of shit he is.
01:00:13Which is a real shit move
01:00:15on my part.
01:00:16It's just this endless
01:00:17cycle of lies.
01:00:19But as long as I seem happy
01:00:20to my fifth grade bully,
01:00:21it's all worth it.
01:00:26But my wife,
01:00:27she gave me a good idea.
01:00:28So the next time
01:00:28I saw my friend
01:00:29posting about
01:00:30his lovely spouse,
01:00:31I left a comment.
01:00:35I said,
01:00:35I'm so glad
01:00:36you were able
01:00:36to resolve
01:00:37all your marital problems
01:00:39since we last spoke
01:00:43since we last spoke.
01:00:44Two hours ago.
01:00:49So you know how Facebook
01:00:50will translate
01:00:51from different languages,
01:00:52from like Spanish to English
01:00:53or Hebrew to English
01:00:54or Russian to English?
01:00:55I wish they'd translate
01:00:56from bragging
01:00:57to honest English.
01:01:00So when someone writes,
01:01:01I love being single.
01:01:04Translation,
01:01:04I'm so lonely.
01:01:06Or,
01:01:07I love being married.
01:01:09I'm so lonely.
01:01:11Or I had an amazing
01:01:12comedy recording.
01:01:21Forty people laughed,
01:01:22two people stared at me.
01:01:23and everyone else
01:01:26thought,
01:01:26why is it so cold in here?
01:01:35So have you ever heard
01:01:36of this thing called
01:01:37the backfire effect?
01:01:39No.
01:01:40So it's when you argue
01:01:41politics or something
01:01:41you care about,
01:01:42the more time you spend
01:01:43debating an issue,
01:01:45the more each side
01:01:46becomes convinced
01:01:46they're correct.
01:01:47Because you've come up
01:01:48with more and more reasons
01:01:49for your point of view.
01:01:51So the only way
01:01:52to change someone's mind
01:01:54is to overagree with them.
01:01:56So a little while back,
01:01:57I'm talking to a guy
01:01:57who liked the new tax law.
01:01:59So I said,
01:01:59you know what?
01:02:00This tax bill
01:02:01doesn't go far enough.
01:02:02Poor people should pay
01:02:03a 90% tax rate.
01:02:05Because that'll teach
01:02:06them to work harder.
01:02:08Now let's go kick a ball.
01:02:10And the guy was like,
01:02:14whoa, maybe I'm wrong.
01:02:21I saw the backfire effect
01:02:22working.
01:02:23So I went home
01:02:24and told my wife
01:02:25we should stop having sex.
01:02:28She said, okay.
01:02:29Damn.
01:02:32The backfire effect
01:02:33backfired.
01:02:37I am glad though.
01:02:38I'm glad I never thought
01:02:39that premarital sex
01:02:40was a sin
01:02:41because I lost my virginity
01:02:43three weeks
01:02:44before 9-11.
01:02:49Yeah, you know there's
01:02:50some super religious
01:02:50kid somewhere
01:02:51who lost his virginity
01:02:53September 10th
01:02:54going,
01:02:57oh my God,
01:02:57what have I done?
01:02:58totally worth it.
01:03:10That's my darkest thing.
01:03:11It gets better from here,
01:03:12everyone.
01:03:12It gets better.
01:03:14But this is going to be
01:03:15controversial too,
01:03:16but stick with me.
01:03:17I don't think that football
01:03:18players should take a knee
01:03:19before the national anthem.
01:03:20I think if you really
01:03:22want to protest,
01:03:23just stop playing sports
01:03:24until there's a new president.
01:03:26Like think about it,
01:03:27no football,
01:03:27no basketball,
01:03:28no baseball.
01:03:30Hockey can still stay,
01:03:31no one watches that.
01:03:33One person watches that,
01:03:34I stand corrected.
01:03:37But yeah,
01:03:37you know,
01:03:37we'd have a new leader
01:03:38in two weeks
01:03:39because there'd be nothing
01:03:39to distract us
01:03:41from our boring lives.
01:03:42That's 52 Sundays a year
01:03:44you gotta spend
01:03:44with your kids.
01:03:45And I said this
01:03:48the other night
01:03:49and someone in the crowd
01:03:49started booing me.
01:03:51And I was like,
01:03:51oh no,
01:03:52I pissed off someone
01:03:52really patriotic
01:03:53who missed my sarcasm
01:03:55and probably owns
01:03:56a lot of guns.
01:03:59But turns out
01:04:00it was just Canadians
01:04:01mad I was making fun
01:04:02of hockey.
01:04:08And you know,
01:04:08like I'm not
01:04:09pro-big government
01:04:09at all,
01:04:10but here's why
01:04:11some government
01:04:11regulation is needed.
01:04:13Because it took an,
01:04:14I don't know if you remember,
01:04:14but it took an act
01:04:15of Congress,
01:04:16an act of Congress
01:04:17for us to be able
01:04:18to keep our cell phone number
01:04:20when switching phone companies.
01:04:23So what chances
01:04:24the environment have?
01:04:27Like if I had to choose
01:04:29between saving my iPhone
01:04:30or all the whales,
01:04:34I'd be like,
01:04:38sorry Shamu,
01:04:39have you seen this new app?
01:04:41It's amazing.
01:04:43I swipe right
01:04:44and a robot burps
01:04:45to my baby.
01:04:48I do remember
01:04:49that I remember
01:04:50as soon as my daughter
01:04:51was born,
01:04:52minutes later,
01:04:53this nurse came in
01:04:54asking us to donate
01:04:55our baby's umbilical cord
01:04:56to science.
01:04:58Now,
01:04:59I don't even know
01:04:59why babies still
01:05:00have umbilical cords.
01:05:02Like what is this,
01:05:031981?
01:05:05Yeah,
01:05:06we should have
01:05:06cordless babies.
01:05:07It's like,
01:05:12oh,
01:05:12you got the baby
01:05:13eight plus?
01:05:14Well,
01:05:14I got the baby
01:05:15ten.
01:05:17Mine has facial recognition.
01:05:23And on the next day,
01:05:24my wife,
01:05:24she's still in the hospital
01:05:25and a different nurse
01:05:26she's shown my wife
01:05:27how to breastfeed.
01:05:28And the nurse says,
01:05:29you can tell the baby's
01:05:30latching properly
01:05:31because she has
01:05:32a double chin.
01:05:34And I'm like,
01:05:35are we body shaming
01:05:36her already?
01:05:39But I know
01:05:39my daughter,
01:05:40she eats really well.
01:05:41Like, uh,
01:05:41yesterday she drank
01:05:42her milk so fast,
01:05:43it looked like she was
01:05:44shotgunning a beer.
01:05:47I turn my back
01:05:48for one second,
01:05:48she's playing flip cup.
01:05:50I don't want to give her
01:05:53powder formula
01:05:54because I'm afraid
01:05:55she'll snort it.
01:05:58Oh,
01:05:59come on,
01:05:59what's funnier
01:05:59than a baby
01:06:00using cocaine?
01:06:03Two babies
01:06:04shooting heroin,
01:06:05that is
01:06:05way funny.
01:06:11You know,
01:06:12if you think about it,
01:06:12babies look like
01:06:13they're on heroin
01:06:14because they're always
01:06:16falling asleep
01:06:17in parks.
01:06:20They're nodding off,
01:06:21they're coming back,
01:06:22they're nodding off.
01:06:25Then they poop their pants
01:06:26with no warning.
01:06:29One time on a show
01:06:30I was talking about this
01:06:31and someone in the crowd
01:06:32yelled out,
01:06:33actually,
01:06:33heroin makes you constipated.
01:06:41And as I started
01:06:42to respond,
01:06:43he nodded off.
01:06:44but my daughter,
01:06:50she's been sleeping
01:06:50really well lately.
01:06:51Like,
01:06:52she, you know,
01:06:52she'll sleep for 12 straight hours.
01:06:54Like,
01:06:54she wears a diaper
01:06:55and doesn't move
01:06:55for 12 hours.
01:06:57She's like
01:06:58the ideal Netflix customer.
01:07:03Yeah,
01:07:03she'll sleep like
01:07:048 p.m. to 8 a.m.
01:07:05So sometimes
01:07:06if I'm home
01:07:06around 11 at night,
01:07:08I'll go do a little
01:07:08open mic
01:07:09a block from my house
01:07:10while watching my baby
01:07:12on my phone's
01:07:12Wi-Fi camera.
01:07:14And like,
01:07:15yeah,
01:07:15technically she's alone.
01:07:17But it's a block away
01:07:18so if I lived in a mansion
01:07:19it'd still be the same house.
01:07:26I feel like
01:07:2770% of you
01:07:28are on board.
01:07:29And some of you
01:07:30want to call
01:07:30child services right now.
01:07:33There's no point
01:07:34in calling child services
01:07:35because I live
01:07:35a block away
01:07:36so I'll get home first.
01:07:39You can't catch me.
01:07:40So a couple months back
01:07:43I go to the open mic
01:07:45and then I mention
01:07:46on stage
01:07:47the babies alone.
01:07:48So afterwards
01:07:48this comedian
01:07:49who said her other job
01:07:50is stripping
01:07:51because apparently
01:07:52being a comedian
01:07:53isn't degrading enough.
01:07:57Strippers don't have
01:07:57to get recorded
01:07:58above a sushi shop
01:07:59is my point.
01:08:02So this stripper comedian
01:08:03she comes up to me
01:08:04and she's like
01:08:04oh, do you really
01:08:05have a baby?
01:08:06I'm like, yeah.
01:08:06She's like,
01:08:07who's watching her now?
01:08:08I'm like,
01:08:08uh, the phone.
01:08:09And she says,
01:08:11what about your wife?
01:08:12I'm like,
01:08:12oh, she's here too.
01:08:13Parenting's hard.
01:08:14We both needed a drink.
01:08:20And the stripper says,
01:08:21oh my God,
01:08:22you're serious?
01:08:22You're a bad dad.
01:08:24You should be locked up.
01:08:25You're a bad dad.
01:08:28Yeah,
01:08:28I got judged
01:08:29by a stripper.
01:08:31Like, yeah,
01:08:33I neglect my daughter
01:08:34for an hour at a time
01:08:35when she's sleeping.
01:08:37But her dad neglected her
01:08:38for 18 straight years.
01:08:42What is this,
01:08:42turning into a stripper convention now?
01:08:46You know,
01:08:46I got so upset by this,
01:08:47I showed some singles
01:08:48in her pants.
01:08:51And now she's
01:08:52our new babysitter.
01:08:55That's right,
01:08:55I'm a good dad.
01:08:56I kept someone else's kid
01:08:57off the pole.
01:08:57That's a good dad.
01:09:01But now,
01:09:01thanks to our new
01:09:02babysitter, Sparkles,
01:09:05he knows a couple of
01:09:10sparkles in his life,
01:09:12everyone.
01:09:13Yeah,
01:09:13now thanks to our new
01:09:14babysitter, Sparkles,
01:09:15my daughter,
01:09:15she can only fall asleep
01:09:16to the song
01:09:17Pour Some Sugar On Me.
01:09:20So we need a new babysitter.
01:09:22Before I got married,
01:09:24some women I dated,
01:09:25they loved it
01:09:25when I'd speak Russian
01:09:26in bed.
01:09:27Yeah,
01:09:29and I loved it
01:09:30because I'd get
01:09:30all my complaints out
01:09:32without starting
01:09:36a fight.
01:09:38You know,
01:09:38I'd be like,
01:09:38I hate when you text me
01:09:46for no reason.
01:09:47I'd rather be banging
01:09:59your friend.
01:10:00I finished five minutes ago.
01:10:11I finished five minutes ago.
01:10:13And you know,
01:10:14now that I'm married,
01:10:15I still speak Russian in bed,
01:10:17but my complaints have changed.
01:10:20You know,
01:10:20now I'm like,
01:10:21I'm like,
01:10:21I'm like,
01:10:22I'm like,
01:10:22you know,
01:10:23you check on the baby.
01:10:28Why am I always on top?
01:10:33Why am I always on top?
01:10:39Hey, stop snoring.
01:10:43Oui, ma maman kamila papi,
01:10:44mais je finis cinq minutes avant.
01:10:47Oui, maman m'a dit à papa,
01:10:50mais j'ai encore fini 5 minutes ago.
01:10:53Maintenant, je peux dormir pendant la nuit.
01:10:56Parce que je drank poison.
01:11:03Thank you so much.
01:11:07I'm Ben Rosenthal.
01:11:08Thank you for coming out.
01:11:09I appreciate it.
01:11:10Thank you.
01:11:11Thank you.
01:11:11Thank you.
Écris le tout premier commentaire