Comedian Tim Dillon delivers a raw and unfiltered stand-up comedy special, 'Im Your Mother', where he dissects modern chaos and global absurdities. Dillon's unique perspective offers a scathing yet hilarious take on everything from his royal family devotion to societal quirks. This must-watch comedy event promises an evening of sharp wit and unapologetic humor.
tim-dillon stand-up-comedy comedy-special satire social-commentary humor 2025-movie tim-dillon-im-your-mother
#TimDillon #ComedySpecial #FullMovie #ImYourMother
tim-dillon stand-up-comedy comedy-special satire social-commentary humor 2025-movie tim-dillon-im-your-mother
#TimDillon #ComedySpecial #FullMovie #ImYourMother
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Dillard!
00:23Thank you so much.
00:24Austin, how are you?
00:26Good?
00:27Are you feeling good?
00:30Good.
00:32Who gives a fuck?
00:34I like Austin because it's just the right amount of homeless people.
00:39L.A. has too many.
00:41Some cities don't have enough.
00:45Austin has the Goldilocks just right amount of homeless people.
00:50Austin has just enough homeless people to change the course of a morning walk.
00:56No.
01:07When I grew up, not everybody was homeless.
01:09Everyone's homeless.
01:10Now, it's...
01:12I don't know what happened.
01:14When I grew up, homeless, this was like three or four people.
01:16And they were fun.
01:18They were like fun.
01:19Remember when homeless people were fun?
01:22You would throw them nickels.
01:25They would do a jig and like...
01:28Or was that pigeon bitch from the movie who looked like me?
01:36Remember her?
01:37But now homeless people, like something's going on with the homeless.
01:43Like the homeless are not doing well.
01:48There's a lot of like...
01:52People are like, what's the solution?
01:57I'm like, oh, I don't even know what the problem is.
02:00I have no idea what's going on.
02:07They're like, it's a cost of living issue.
02:15Wait, what?
02:20Yeah, it's the interest rates.
02:24What are you talking about?
02:25Yeah, it's the interest rates.
02:27That's why.
02:27Yeah.
02:30He needs a job.
02:34How would that even work?
02:38Welcome to Geico.
02:42We'll meet your claims rep, I guess.
02:49LA's got a whole area of the city called Skid Row.
02:54And you've all heard of it.
02:56And it's just tents.
02:57That's it.
02:58It's just all homeless people.
03:00And it comes in handy.
03:02Because a friend of mine and his wife came in.
03:04They'd never been to California.
03:06They're from Nashville.
03:07It was Halloween.
03:08She was so excited.
03:10His wife was like, hey, y'all.
03:11Are there any fun haunted hay rides?
03:14I said, get in the car.
03:20People were lunging at the car.
03:22She's like, it feels like we could die.
03:27I'm like, we could definitely die.
03:34The LA City Council has given up.
03:37This is how much they've given up.
03:39I swear to God, they considered giving you a tax credit if you opened your house to a homeless person.
03:49I swear to God.
03:50They were like, you got a house.
03:53What are we even talking about?
03:56You hate taxes, right?
03:58Yeah.
03:59Well, meet your son.
04:02He's 38 years old.
04:04He loves fentanyl.
04:08Hug your boy.
04:10Hug your boy.
04:12Now.
04:16I don't have any friends in LA.
04:17I'm just friends with RFK and his wife.
04:20And that's all I need.
04:22That's all I need.
04:24Yeah.
04:25They're amazing.
04:28His wife, Cheryl, is the actress from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
04:31She's so sweet and optimistic.
04:33And, you know, he's less optimistic because the CIA killed his whole family.
04:36He's a little bit of a downer, you know.
04:43They killed everyone he ever met.
04:44They would, like, shoot his dog in the head and then look at him and go, man, it sucks your dog brown.
04:56But I like going to dinner with them because they're an odd couple.
04:59They're a fun couple.
05:00They're an odd couple.
05:01You know, because you'll go to dinner with them.
05:03And she's like, I love strawberries.
05:05And he's like, there's a bomb in the car.
05:10Cheryl, don't get in the car.
05:12They're going to melt the skin off your face, Cheryl.
05:16You're going to die a horrible death like everyone I've ever met, Cheryl.
05:30They're like, this is a true story.
05:32When Trump nominated him, I was in Palm Beach, and I had brunch with him and her at Dr. Oz's house.
05:41It's fun, you know, and I'm sitting there.
05:44And he goes, play what he did.
05:47It's fun.
05:48And I'm like, and I'm like, we don't know.
05:54Fine.
05:55And then he plays my impression of him at the table for everyone.
06:05And everyone's laughing.
06:07And he's like, it's good.
06:14And I was like, this guy is kind of cool, you know.
06:16You know, that's a cool thing to, you know.
06:21He's going to ban the cheesy gordita crunch, and then I'm going to have to march.
06:31Like, fat people don't know what's coming.
06:33Like, he's serious.
06:35He's deadly serious about what.
06:37I mean, he's going after it all.
06:42You're going to pull up to Whataburger one day at 1 a.m.
06:45You're going to go, can I have a sweet and spicy bacon burger?
06:49No.
06:49Can I have a honey butter chicken biscuit?
07:01It's 1 a.m.
07:07Can I have a chocolate shake?
07:09They killed my family.
07:12They killed my whole family.
07:19I love him.
07:21I love him.
07:22I love him.
07:28I don't know how to fix the Middle East.
07:33I thought about it on the way here.
07:36But I have nothing.
07:37I don't.
07:38I don't.
07:39But you've got to have an opinion, no matter your level of education.
07:44It's your job.
07:45You're an American.
07:47I have friends that call me from Long Island.
07:49And they go, I don't know what's going on over there.
07:51But here's what I think.
07:54And I'm like, sure, you're a DJ.
07:55What are we going to do?
07:58What?
08:00You sell Molly in an Applebee's parking lot?
08:04Where do you, what do you think we should do?
08:09Like, when this whole thing happened,
08:11when Hamas, you know, paraglided into Israel,
08:17which was fucked up, but it was new.
08:24Well, it was.
08:25I thought it was The Amazing Race.
08:27I had no idea what it was.
08:34True story, a day after that,
08:36I was in Malibu, California,
08:37and there was a guy paragliding on the beach.
08:39And I was like, sir,
08:41is this the time?
08:48Feels insensitive.
08:51And the thing is,
08:53it's like you've got to have
08:54an opinion.
08:56I think it's good to have a fake opinion.
08:59You get in,
09:00you get passionate,
09:01you get out.
09:03In,
09:04you rev up,
09:05you get out.
09:09So as soon as that happened,
09:10I was going into places.
09:12I was like,
09:12that's fucked up.
09:14These people have been suffering
09:15for thousands of years.
09:17And they're like,
09:17which ones?
09:18And I'm like,
09:18ah!
09:18I spend a lot of time in L.A.
09:28And the problem is,
09:29in L.A.,
09:30there are a lot of Jews
09:31that look Muslim
09:32and Muslims that look Jewish.
09:36And it's a lot of like...
09:38And you'll sit down
09:42for lunch
09:43at a bar
09:43with these guys.
09:45You know,
09:46and they're tan
09:46and they've got a beard.
09:48Could go either way.
09:51And they're all eating hummus.
09:53No help there.
09:59And then it's just me.
10:01And they look at me,
10:02they're like,
10:02what's going on over there?
10:04It's so fucked up.
10:04I'm like,
10:05yes!
10:07But tell me why.
10:10And they're like,
10:10the violence.
10:11I go,
10:11sure.
10:13But specifically.
10:13Which violence is the one?
10:18Because I agree
10:19with you.
10:20I'm...
10:21Who do we hate?
10:22I'm in.
10:23You tell me who we hate.
10:25I'll do it.
10:26I'm with you.
10:28Kill them all.
10:29I'm with...
10:30Who is all?
10:31I...
10:32Yes,
10:32kill them all.
10:35Agreed.
10:35I'm sure.
10:39But who is all?
10:42The tartaras.
10:43It's nice.
10:44All.
10:45All of...
10:47Are we killing them
10:49in one place?
10:50Are they spread out?
10:51That'll help.
10:51Just tell me.
10:53Tell me.
10:56Give me a hint.
10:57Anything?
10:59What kind of hat
10:59and scarf combo?
11:02Do they like...
11:03I don't know.
11:04What is it?
11:05I think we should
11:14send Meghan Markle
11:15and that lizard
11:16she married to Gaza.
11:18Let them figure it out.
11:20They want to be diplomats?
11:22Let them figure it out.
11:23They left the castle
11:25because people were mean.
11:30What a fucking
11:31millennial move that was.
11:33You never leave a castle.
11:36You stupid cunts.
11:38You never leave a...
11:40People die to get in.
11:42You don't leave...
11:43I'm a gay person.
11:45I don't give a fuck
11:46how homophobic
11:47the royal family is
11:48if I lived in their castle.
11:51I would never leave.
11:52They could open my door
11:53every morning
11:54for a piss on my face.
11:55Go,
11:56good morning,
11:57faggot.
11:57I'd go,
11:58hello?
12:02What?
12:03I'd be riding a horse.
12:05They'd be like,
12:05look at the faggot!
12:06What's for dinner?
12:09I love you,
12:10mom and dad.
12:11Every family has problems.
12:13Everyone.
12:14Everyone.
12:14They have a three-hour
12:20documentary
12:22on Netflix
12:23about how hard it is
12:24to live in a castle.
12:27Three hours.
12:29Not one.
12:31Three.
12:32I want to show that.
12:36Three-hour
12:37documentary
12:38to a kid from Syria
12:40with his arm blown off.
12:43I want to say,
12:44come here, buddy.
12:45Take a look at a real victim,
12:46okay?
12:49And you're going to work
12:50tonight, too.
12:50Don't think you're
12:51getting out of work.
12:52Look at how sad she is
12:54when Beyonce is texting her.
12:55Look how sad.
12:57What happened to you?
12:58You were just playing soccer
12:59and all your soul was fire?
13:01Yeah.
13:02Anyway,
13:04she's very sad here.
13:06She lives in Montecito now.
13:08That's by the ocean.
13:10That's the blue behind her
13:12as she's crying.
13:13The ocean.
13:13The Pacific Ocean.
13:15She's sad.
13:23You guys dating a long time?
13:26This is your little brother.
13:27Okay, well.
13:28There's many people here
13:38that are very aroused.
13:45Good for you.
13:46You guys get along.
13:47Most,
13:47a lot of siblings
13:48don't like each other.
13:49We're besties.
13:50You're besties.
13:51Okay.
13:52It's weird now.
13:55No, it's good.
13:57Thank you for calling.
13:57This is probably his idea,
13:58but thank you for,
13:59you know.
14:00He'll go to something
14:00you like.
14:03He'll go to one
14:04of your podcasts.
14:05The female podcasts
14:08are so aggressive,
14:09like the titles
14:10of the female podcasts.
14:12Like,
14:12they're all like,
14:13feed me,
14:14faggot.
14:15You're like.
14:21It's like,
14:21avocado in my conch.
14:23You're like,
14:23why is this so
14:24insane?
14:25Why is this so intense?
14:30Do you work?
14:31What do you do?
14:32I'm a flight instructor.
14:34You get ever nervous
14:34in a plane?
14:35I don't fly if it's bad weather.
14:38You don't fly
14:38if it's bad weather?
14:39But it happens.
14:41It comes out of nowhere.
14:43Have you been in a plane?
14:50Do you work?
14:51Do you go to school?
14:52I work in a sheriff's office.
14:53Sheriff's office.
14:54Very,
14:54very cool.
14:55Boo.
14:58This criminal is angry.
15:01This guy's really mad.
15:02Boo.
15:04Boo.
15:06She's my wife.
15:08I can hit her if I want.
15:11Boo.
15:16The government's lied
15:17about so much shit,
15:18you just can't trust anything.
15:20Like,
15:20I remember when Trump got shot
15:22and they were like,
15:23oh,
15:24well,
15:24first of all,
15:25no one even talks about that anymore.
15:27Like,
15:27nobody even remembers that.
15:29That Secret Service bitch
15:30seemed a bit guilty.
15:34I know she was guilty
15:36because she had the same face
15:37that I make
15:38when somebody asks
15:39if I'm still on the ketogenic diet.
15:41She was like...
15:42and then they were like,
15:46and then they were like,
15:51we couldn't put a sniper on that roof
15:52because it was sloped.
15:56Here's how not sloped that roof was.
15:58They shot that guy,
15:59he died,
15:59and his body didn't roll off the roof.
16:02I've taken bong hits
16:07on acid
16:08on roofs
16:09with more of a pitch
16:10than that roof.
16:12That's like such an insane thing
16:14to say,
16:16you know?
16:17You can't trust anything anymore.
16:20We're all supposed to be afraid of China.
16:22That's a big thing.
16:23We're supposed to be terrified of China.
16:24I'm not.
16:25My godson is Chinese.
16:27He's three years old.
16:27He's adorable.
16:29He does not recognize
16:30the sovereignty of Taiwan.
16:34That's his politics.
16:36He believes in one China.
16:37That's his thing.
16:39And his parents bring him to my house,
16:41and I go,
16:41make the one.
16:42One China.
16:43It's cute, you know?
16:44Make the one.
16:45It's fun with your uncle, you know?
16:47Make the one.
16:48One China.
16:49That's your belief.
16:50One China.
16:53And then a few days later,
16:54I swear to God,
16:56his school was doing
16:57class photos.
16:58This was the first
16:59class photo he'd ever taken,
17:01and he's standing dead center
17:03in the first row of all the kids,
17:05like this.
17:14And the teacher called their house.
17:16I happened to be over.
17:18She's like,
17:18he's so cute.
17:19Why does he do that one?
17:21Is it like school's number one?
17:23And I grabbed the phone.
17:27I said,
17:27he's a Chinese nationalist.
17:32He believes in the invasion
17:33and occupation of Taiwan.
17:37Why don't you ask him
17:39about his politics,
17:40you stupid bitch?
17:40He's the future of this country,
17:42not you.
17:44He's the leader,
17:45not you.
17:46You work for him.
17:47He's actually Filipino,
17:53but we lie.
18:01It's so funny
18:02what we fight about in America.
18:03We're going to ban TikTok
18:04or we're not.
18:06I don't know.
18:08I don't care how you feel about that.
18:09At a certain age,
18:10you've got to shut up.
18:11Like,
18:12I'm 39 years old
18:13and I have friends
18:15that are still,
18:16they're like,
18:16they can't ban TikTok.
18:18I'm like,
18:19hey, Ralph,
18:20sit out.
18:22Sit this out.
18:25They can't ban
18:26that child's dancing app.
18:29Ralph,
18:30this looks terrible.
18:33Please,
18:34stop.
18:35Where am I going to
18:36watch children dance?
18:38All right,
18:39hey,
18:39enough.
18:44But the reason
18:45the government gives
18:46this amazing
18:46is amazing.
18:47They're like,
18:47we got to ban TikTok
18:48because China
18:49is spying on you.
18:51I was like,
18:52okay,
18:53but you were also
18:55spying on us.
18:57They're like,
18:58yeah,
18:58but they're doing it
19:00in a Chinese way.
19:04We're just goofing around.
19:09They're being Chinese
19:10about it.
19:12We're blowing off
19:13steam at work.
19:14they're Chinese.
19:15They're Chinese.
19:16Do you see the difference?
19:18Not really,
19:19no.
19:20I hope China
19:24is spying on us
19:25with TikTok.
19:26I hope they spent
19:27billions of dollars
19:28to get that app
19:29on everybody's phone
19:30so they could harvest
19:32all the intelligence.
19:33I hope they have to watch
19:44every TikTok video
19:46ever made.
19:47I hope the Chinese military,
19:50there's just a general
19:51in a room,
19:52expressionless,
19:54watching every
19:55zannied out
19:56housewife,
19:58fun.
20:01Every waffle house
20:03brawl,
20:04people beating
20:04the shit out
20:06of each other
20:07with hash browns.
20:08He's just sitting there,
20:09no expression.
20:11We're the only country
20:11that kills at breakfast.
20:13We're,
20:13we're the only country
20:16where people put down
20:17a glass of orange juice
20:18and go,
20:18fuck it,
20:18let's go.
20:19Let's go right now.
20:20I'll kill you right now
20:21in front of my daughter
20:22who's eating French toast.
20:24I'll kill you.
20:26It's 10 a.m.
20:31I'm not saying
20:32TikTok is great,
20:33there's problems.
20:35There's a girl on TikTok
20:35right now
20:36identifying as a hawk.
20:40I don't care
20:41what your politics are,
20:42that's not ideal.
20:45That some of our children
20:46think they're birds,
20:47that's not the goal.
20:52But that's not her fault,
20:54that's her parents.
20:55If your daughter thinks
20:56she's a hawk,
20:57that is not her,
20:58that is on you.
21:00That is on you.
21:01That is a girl
21:02that's never been told,
21:03come here, honey,
21:03come here, come here,
21:04come here, honey,
21:05get over here,
21:05come here,
21:06shut the fuck up.
21:08She's never been pushed
21:09down the stairs,
21:10like,
21:12fly.
21:15See, you can't,
21:16you're a liar and a whore.
21:19And you wasted
21:20everybody's time.
21:21Now go to the vet
21:22with a broken arm
21:23and tell him you're a hawk,
21:24you fucking narcissist.
21:26You're a narcissist
21:27and a liar
21:28and we're sick of your shit.
21:29You're not a hawk.
21:31You're nothing.
21:32You're a communications major
21:34at a liberal arts school
21:35that I pay for.
21:36I have a drinking problem.
21:38I can't deal
21:39with your shit.
21:41You're nothing.
21:42You don't fly.
21:43You don't go anywhere.
21:45You don't get your own
21:46fucking food.
21:47You're a liar.
21:48You fuck this family up.
21:49But she doesn't have,
22:00she has like white family
22:01that go,
22:02I love hawks.
22:05I love birds.
22:06Like,
22:06you know,
22:07you don't need that.
22:09You know?
22:11You can't talk to kids anymore
22:13the way I was talked to.
22:16She doesn't work.
22:18Can't do it.
22:19And listen,
22:20is it good that kids
22:21are all about their mental health?
22:22Yes.
22:23They're right.
22:25Is it annoying?
22:26Yes.
22:28Do we hate them?
22:30Yes.
22:31All of that is true.
22:33But they're correct.
22:34Like,
22:35I have friends
22:35whose kids go up to them
22:36and they go,
22:37they go,
22:37I have mental problems
22:38and I need to deal with this.
22:40And my friends go,
22:41good for you.
22:42I'm here if you need me.
22:44I could have never
22:45had that conversation.
22:48If I went up to my father
22:49and I was like,
22:49dad,
22:50I have mental problems.
22:51He'd go,
22:52shut the fuck up.
22:54You and your mother
22:55have ruined my life.
22:57You're both fat
22:58and our house is disgusting.
23:01It's always a mess
23:02when I get home.
23:03I get in my car
23:04and I drive to a job
23:05I hate
23:06so I can buy food
23:07for you and your fat mother.
23:10And I'd come back
23:12to this home
23:12and it's filthy
23:13every night.
23:14It's disgusting
23:14and I hate myself
23:16and I want to kill myself
23:17and I want to kill you
23:18and your mother.
23:19You're fat
23:20and I hate you
23:21and I hate my life
23:22and I hope we all die.
23:25And I would go,
23:26thanks a lot, dad.
23:28And he'd go,
23:29anytime you need to talk,
23:30I'm here.
23:32I love you, son.
23:33I love you, too.
23:34I appreciate that.
23:40A lot of mental illness
23:42now in America.
23:43There's tons.
23:44You know?
23:45A lot of it.
23:46If you don't have
23:47a mental illness,
23:48get one.
23:51Get one.
23:53And people will tell you
23:54now how fucked up they are.
23:56People just unload on you.
23:58People used to have shame
23:59and what that meant
24:00was that they would hide things
24:02about themselves
24:03that were unflattering.
24:05That's shame.
24:07I don't want to tell you
24:08something about me
24:10that makes me look bad.
24:11That was a thing
24:12for a very long time.
24:14That is no longer a thing.
24:17And some of that
24:18should come back.
24:22Because now you go to lunch
24:23with somebody
24:23and you're like,
24:24want to split wings?
24:26You're like,
24:26I have borderline
24:27personality disorder.
24:32You're like,
24:32all right, buffalo.
24:34Barbecue?
24:37What are you?
24:40My friend thinks
24:41he has that
24:42borderline personality disorder.
24:45He told me that.
24:47He goes,
24:47I have borderline.
24:48I go,
24:48what does that mean?
24:49He goes,
24:49it means I ruin
24:50every relationship
24:51in my life.
24:52I'm like,
24:53oh,
24:53you're a piece of shit.
24:59What is the test for that?
25:00How does that
25:00get determined?
25:01And then there's bipolar
25:04and bipolar is like
25:05the sexy one
25:06because it's a little
25:06mysterious.
25:08You know?
25:09Bipolar is like
25:10a little,
25:11you know,
25:11oh,
25:12oh,
25:12oh,
25:13oh,
25:14oh,
25:15oh,
25:17I'm a bipolar
25:18or I'm not.
25:28My mother was an OG.
25:30She was a schizophrenic.
25:32She didn't diagnose herself
25:34on LinkedIn
25:34like these faggot kids.
25:35My mother
25:36was a real psychopath
25:38and we locked her up.
25:39That's what you do
25:40with psychos.
25:41You put them in a cell.
25:43You say you want
25:44to go out to eat
25:44and then you visit them
25:45once a year.
25:50You know how I know
25:51schizophrenia is real?
25:53Nobody's pretending
25:54to have that.
25:57Nobody's getting out
25:58of work like that.
26:00Nobody's calling up
26:01and they're like,
26:01hey,
26:01I can't come in.
26:02They're like,
26:06oh,
26:06you do sound bad.
26:07Take the day.
26:09Take the day.
26:12I know anxiety
26:13and depression are bad.
26:14I get it.
26:15I've had them.
26:16I know they're bad.
26:17But you know
26:18you have them.
26:20You'll tell people.
26:21You'll go,
26:21I'm depressed.
26:23And they'll go,
26:23that sucks.
26:26If you went up
26:27to my mother
26:27and you were like,
26:28Patty,
26:29you were schizophrenic,
26:30she'd go,
26:31oh,
26:31really?
26:32Just because
26:33they're poisoning
26:33my food.
26:37Just because
26:38Koreans are following me.
26:40That was her thing.
26:41I don't know why.
26:42I walked into my house
26:43once.
26:44I was really high.
26:44I was 15 years old
26:45and I walked in
26:46and she goes,
26:46hey.
26:47I go,
26:48yeah.
26:48She goes,
26:49Koreans are following me
26:50but don't worry.
26:51They're protecting me.
26:53And I went,
26:53good shit.
27:01But that's how I knew
27:01that gymnast
27:02at the Olympics
27:02was full of shit
27:03when she was like,
27:04I can't compete.
27:06I have mental problems.
27:07And I'm like,
27:08that's not how it works.
27:10You don't have enough
27:11mental problems.
27:11I know real lunatics
27:13and real lunatics
27:14compete.
27:18If you went to my mother's
27:20mental institution
27:21and you were like,
27:22Patty,
27:22you're going to the Olympics.
27:24She'd go,
27:24yes,
27:25I am.
27:25And we'd put her fat ass
27:29in a wheelchair
27:29and we'd roll her
27:31onto the mat
27:32and we'd go,
27:33what's your event?
27:34And she'd go,
27:34Obama's a Muslim.
27:35We'd go,
27:36ah.
27:42She's been preparing
27:43decades to represent
27:45her country
27:45in that event.
27:47Why have sports
27:49at the Olympics
27:50if you can get out of it
27:51for having a bad day?
27:52Fuck it.
27:53Let's give people medals
27:54based on how fucked up
27:55their lives are.
27:56It'll take a half hour.
27:58Oh,
27:58you were molested.
27:59Bronze.
28:01You were molested
28:02by your father.
28:03Silver.
28:04You molested
28:05your father.
28:06Gold.
28:07Puff Daddy
28:16is having
28:17a difficult
28:17holiday season.
28:20Well,
28:21he is.
28:22Regardless
28:23of how we,
28:24you know.
28:25But I get it.
28:26I get that's a good reason
28:27to cancel somebody.
28:29You know?
28:30He's a demon.
28:31Fuck him.
28:32Throw him in jail.
28:34But then there's people
28:35that got canceled
28:36for doing nothing wrong.
28:38What the fuck
28:38did Lizzo do?
28:40Lizzo got canceled
28:41for what?
28:42She got canceled
28:42by her own people.
28:44Her own backup fats.
28:47Tried to cancel
28:48their mother.
28:48These ungrateful piglets
28:50tried to cancel
28:51their mother.
28:53She gave them life.
28:54She found those bitches
28:55at Chick-fil-A
28:56and at gas stations
28:58having milkshakes.
29:00You can't be
29:01a fat backup dancer.
29:02That's not even a job.
29:04I can't stand
29:05behind Taylor Swift.
29:08I'd be tased
29:10by the government
29:10and these fat bitches
29:12had the one job
29:13they'd ever get.
29:14How do you quit
29:14that job?
29:15How hard could
29:16those routines
29:17have been?
29:20Half of them
29:21were on oxygen.
29:22Just like...
29:23Lizzo had a show
29:30to find these women
29:31called Lizzo.
29:32Here come
29:32the big girls.
29:34Which sounds
29:35like a threat.
29:39It sounds like
29:40something you hear
29:40on a police scanner.
29:42You know?
29:42Here come the big girls.
29:43Get on the horse.
29:45Don't fuck around.
29:47These are the big girls.
29:48Get on the horse
29:49now.
29:53And the premise
29:54of this show
29:54was that morbidly
29:56obese women
29:57who'd always dreamed
29:59of being backup dancers.
30:04But they'd been
30:05denied that
30:06by the Illuminati.
30:10And gravity.
30:11What?
30:13The original conspiracy
30:15to keep a big bitch down.
30:17Like...
30:18Let's be honest.
30:21And Lizzo abused
30:22him a little bit.
30:23She fucked him up
30:24a little bit.
30:24She was mean.
30:25She was rude.
30:26So what?
30:28A hot bitch
30:28making fun of fat chicks.
30:30Not cool.
30:32Lizzo doing it.
30:34Hilarious.
30:36The funniest thing
30:37I've ever seen
30:37in my life.
30:40If you're a fat bitch
30:41and you turn around
30:42to your backup dancers,
30:43a bunch of
30:43Fatty Boom Baddies,
30:44and you turn around
30:45and go,
30:45get it together,
30:46you fat slobs.
30:53And they're all
30:54just like...
30:54They're suing her
31:01in a court,
31:02like in a real court.
31:08Not a candy court,
31:10like a real...
31:11Not a chocolate court,
31:13like...
31:13And a judge
31:16is gonna walk in
31:17and he's gonna look
31:18at Lizzo
31:18and all her backup dancers
31:19and go,
31:19ladies,
31:20I can't tell
31:21any of you apart.
31:22So I'm giving you
31:26all a gift certificate
31:27to Dairy Queen
31:28because you're all
31:30Dairy Queens.
31:34And I love you.
31:36You know?
31:38That's all there is
31:39to do in that situation.
31:40You know?
31:41Can't do anything else.
31:43Celebrities,
31:43a lot of them
31:44are using a Zempic,
31:45which is great.
31:45Just don't lie about it.
31:47Khloe Kardashian
31:47had the nerve
31:48to say...
31:49She's like,
31:50I got a trainer.
31:54Bitch,
31:54you have a new head.
31:57You didn't get a trainer.
31:58You got a necromancer.
32:00You went into the woods.
32:01You dug up the body
32:03of an indigenous child.
32:04You sucked out its soul.
32:06That's sorcery.
32:07That's not sit-ups.
32:08That's fine.
32:09But don't lie.
32:10Don't lie about what it is.
32:15Comedy takes you
32:16to interesting places.
32:17I was in Finland
32:18recently.
32:20And the woman
32:21who booked me
32:21came up to me.
32:22She said,
32:22hey,
32:22can I ask you a question?
32:24I said,
32:24yeah.
32:25She goes,
32:25do you have any
32:26school shooting material?
32:29I was like,
32:30yes.
32:33And she said,
32:34well,
32:34you can't do it
32:35today.
32:37And I said,
32:37why?
32:38She said,
32:38we just had
32:39a school shooting.
32:40I said,
32:40I'm really sorry.
32:41How many kids died?
32:42She said,
32:43one.
32:44I said,
32:45fuck you.
32:45I'm from the
32:48United States
32:49of America.
32:50You insensitive
32:52bitch.
32:52One dead kid
32:53is a good day.
32:57One dead kid
32:58wouldn't get you
32:59off the phone
32:59if you were
33:01on the phone
33:01and your kid
33:02came in
33:02and said,
33:02there was a
33:03shooting today
33:03and one kid
33:03died.
33:04You go,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah.
33:05Where does
33:05the cruise go?
33:06And the
33:15school shooting
33:16story I had,
33:16it was a real
33:17story and it
33:18was a false
33:18alarm so you
33:19don't have to
33:19be upset.
33:20My friend
33:21called me and
33:21her 15-year-old
33:22son was in
33:23school.
33:23He sent her
33:24a text.
33:24He said,
33:24mom,
33:25there's an
33:25active shooter
33:25and I'm
33:26hiding and
33:27if anything
33:28happens,
33:28I want you
33:29and dad to
33:30know that I
33:30love you,
33:31which is like
33:32a terrible
33:32text to get,
33:34but sweet.
33:36Because of
33:40the I love
33:40you at the
33:40end.
33:43I never
33:44would have
33:44sent that
33:45text at
33:4714 years
33:47old to
33:48my parents.
33:49I would have
33:50been like,
33:50mom and dad,
33:51there's an
33:51active shooter
33:51and I'm
33:52hiding and
33:53if anything
33:53happens,
33:54let's be
33:54honest,
33:55none of us
33:56really put in
33:56the effort
33:56here.
33:59There's an
33:59active shooter
34:00at this
34:01public school
34:01you send
34:02me to
34:02for free.
34:03What were
34:04the chances?
34:05Pretty good.
34:06Don't let
34:07that haunt
34:08you at
34:08the funeral
34:08if you
34:09can afford
34:09one,
34:09you lazy
34:10piece of
34:10shit.
34:11By the
34:11way,
34:12these texts
34:12are going
34:13out green.
34:13Are you
34:14even on
34:14Wi-Fi,
34:15you scumbag?
34:23This
34:23Rainy Street
34:24killer is
34:24something,
34:25huh?
34:26They're
34:26throwing
34:27people in
34:27the lake.
34:29What do
34:30you think
34:30about that,
34:31ma'am?
34:33Okay,
34:34you have a
34:34husband who
34:35works in
34:35the Parks
34:35and Rec.
34:35And his
34:36insight is
34:37that...
34:37His insight.
34:38Is that
34:38there's just
34:38way too many
34:39drunk people.
34:40And there's
34:40just way too
34:40many drunk
34:41people.
34:41Well,
34:41here's the
34:42thing.
34:42We know
34:42there's way
34:43too many
34:43drunk people.
34:45We also
34:45now know
34:46that your
34:46husband is
34:47the killer.
34:56She's like,
34:57there's so
34:57many drunk
34:57people,
34:58my husband
34:58literally comes
34:59home with
35:00their blood
35:00all over
35:00his body.
35:01every
35:03night he
35:04comes home
35:05bloody and
35:05exhausted.
35:06He's got
35:07dirt all
35:07over him.
35:08I'm like,
35:09were you
35:09swimming in
35:09the lake?
35:10He's like,
35:10I was trying
35:11to save a
35:11drunk guy
35:12who was
35:15drowning and
35:16he bit me in
35:16the neck as
35:17I was saving
35:18him and he
35:18clawed me.
35:19It's crazy.
35:20I hope
35:27it's true.
35:27You need
35:28a killer.
35:29You need
35:29a killer.
35:31Especially
35:31Austin.
35:32There's too
35:32many confident
35:32tech people
35:33jogging.
35:35It's like,
35:36a few of
35:38them should
35:38think it's
35:39at least a
35:39possibility.
35:40You know
35:40what I
35:41mean?
35:44Like,
35:45it's good
35:45to have
35:45that.
35:48It's a
35:48tough way
35:49to die
35:49though,
35:49just in
35:50the middle
35:50of the lake
35:50going down,
35:51surrounded
35:52by real
35:52estate you
35:53can't afford.
35:56It's just
35:56the final
35:57scroll on
35:57Zillow.
35:58You know,
35:58God,
35:59that's a
35:59beautiful
36:00backyard.
36:10You're
36:10from Texas,
36:11you got the
36:12shirt?
36:13You grew
36:13up here?
36:14How long?
36:1726 years,
36:18good for you.
36:19What town
36:19you grew
36:19up in?
36:20Austin and
36:20Fort Worth.
36:21Broken
36:21home.
36:24Just
36:25meeting.
36:26You're
36:27like,
36:27a little
36:27Austin,
36:27little
36:28Fort Worth.
36:28I'm like,
36:28and a lot
36:29of tears.
36:32This is a
36:32lovely woman.
36:33You guys
36:33dating?
36:34Well,
36:34you guys are
36:35really cute.
36:35You're a cute
36:36couple.
36:37I hope it
36:37works.
36:38You guys,
36:38what do you
36:39do?
36:40Okay,
36:40what about
36:41you?
36:42FinTech.
36:42FinTech.
36:44You're
36:44both
36:44disgusting.
36:50I'd rather
36:51this couple
36:51of incestuous,
36:53this woman
36:56who pretends
36:57she flies,
36:57and then
36:58this fucking,
36:59you know,
37:00corrections officer
37:00is probably
37:01running fight
37:02clubs in a
37:02jail.
37:03And who
37:03cares if they
37:04have sex
37:05and they're
37:05related?
37:06It doesn't
37:06matter.
37:07You see
37:08these tech
37:08pieces of
37:09shit?
37:09They look
37:09like human
37:10beings.
37:10You want
37:11to like
37:11them?
37:12Like,
37:12oh,
37:12yeah,
37:12your parents
37:13are divorced,
37:13so are
37:14mine,
37:14you're
37:14probably
37:14cool.
37:15And then
37:15she's like,
37:15I'm in
37:16tech.
37:16And he's
37:16like,
37:16I'm in
37:17FinTech.
37:17And you
37:18go,
37:18oh,
37:18fuck off.
37:21This
37:21fucker,
37:22you know,
37:22came up
37:22with Venmo
37:23or something.
37:25You used
37:26to be able
37:26to get
37:26out of shit.
37:27You used
37:27to be able
37:27to go,
37:28yeah,
37:28I know.
37:30Now they're
37:30like,
37:30will you
37:31Venmo
37:31be?
37:31You're
37:31like,
37:31fuck.
37:35Yeah,
37:35all right,
37:36I guess
37:36we'll do
37:36that.
37:40We could
37:40also,
37:41you know,
37:41never see
37:42each other.
37:45We fight
37:45about the
37:46trans kid
37:46issue a lot.
37:47That's a
37:47big issue,
37:48huh?
37:48Well,
37:48the trans
37:49children,
37:50I don't
37:50care.
37:51I don't
37:51have any
37:51trans kids
37:52because I
37:53don't have
37:53any kids.
37:55That's
37:55math.
37:57But if
37:57I found
37:58a kid
37:58and I
37:58was going
37:59to raise
37:59him,
37:59like,
37:59if I
37:59had a
38:00son and
38:00he was
38:00like,
38:00dad,
38:00I'm
38:01trans,
38:01I'd be
38:01like,
38:01good,
38:02great,
38:02fine.
38:03You
38:03want a
38:03pussy?
38:04Fine.
38:05But we're
38:05getting it
38:05tonight.
38:08Shit or
38:09get off
38:09the pot.
38:10You want
38:10a pussy?
38:11You'll
38:11wake up
38:11with a
38:12pussy.
38:12Get in
38:12the car.
38:13Get in
38:14the car.
38:15And I'll
38:15spend good
38:16money on
38:17my son's
38:17pussy.
38:18I'll
38:18spend
38:18good
38:18money
38:19on my
38:20son's
38:20pussy.
38:21I'm
38:22not going
38:22to take
38:22him to
38:22Mexico,
38:23get him
38:23a cheap
38:24pussy,
38:24it gets
38:25infected,
38:26he gets
38:26gangrene,
38:27he gets
38:27a blood
38:27clot,
38:28it goes
38:28to his
38:28head,
38:29he has
38:29a stroke,
38:30people go,
38:30what happened
38:30to your
38:31son?
38:31I'm like,
38:31sit down,
38:31it's a
38:32story.
38:33I'm
38:34going to
38:34get him
38:34an expensive
38:35pussy,
38:36but I'm
38:36going to
38:36make him
38:36show it
38:37to people
38:37at Christmas.
38:38I'm
38:38going to
38:38go take
38:39it out
38:39right now.
38:41Look at
38:41his pussy,
38:42ma,
38:42$30,000.
38:43Smell it,
38:44smell his
38:44pussy.
38:45Smell your
38:45grandson's
38:46pussy,
38:46$30,000.
38:48Do not
38:48be shy.
38:49Your rich
38:50faggot
38:50father bought
38:51you a pussy.
38:53And it's
38:54Christmas and
38:54it's God's
38:55birthday and
38:56he wants
38:56to see
38:56your pussy
38:57too.
38:58Show your
38:58pussy to
38:59God right
38:59now.
39:00Show your
39:01new pussy
39:02to God.
39:08That joke
39:09will not be
39:09for everyone.
39:16I did that
39:17at a
39:17fundraiser
39:18the other
39:18night.
39:20And the
39:20woman who
39:21booked me
39:21was like,
39:22what's wrong
39:22with you?
39:23I said,
39:23listen,
39:24we're going
39:24to be the
39:25first generation
39:26of people
39:26to buy
39:26our children
39:27genitals.
39:28And then
39:29we're going
39:29to have to
39:29take them
39:30back because
39:31they don't
39:31appreciate it.
39:32Oh,
39:33you got a
39:33C in math?
39:35Give me
39:36your cock.
39:37Give me
39:38your cock,
39:39young lady.
39:40I'm not
39:41playing around
39:41with you.
39:42It's going
39:42in the drawer
39:43next to your
39:43sister brother's
39:44tits.
39:45Give me
39:45your cock.
39:47No daughter
39:47of mine's
39:48going to get
39:48a C in math
39:49and keep
39:49her cock.
39:50Give me
39:50your cock
39:51right now.
39:53Listen to
39:53me.
39:54I'm your
39:54mother and
39:55I'll look
39:55just like
39:56this.
39:56I'm your
39:57mother.
39:59Good night
39:59everybody.
40:02Thank you so
40:03much.
40:04You guys
40:04are so much
40:05fun.
40:06Thank you to
40:06Joe Rogan.
40:07Thank you,
40:07Austin.
40:08We love you
40:08guys.
40:09Do not get
40:09in a plane
40:10with her.
40:11Thank you
40:11so much.
40:12I like
40:13incest.
40:14Thank you
40:14so much.
40:15Give it up
40:15for incest.
40:17Kill the
40:17tech people
40:17outside.
40:18Kill them
40:19if you see
40:19them.
40:19Kill them.
40:21Good night.
Recommended
1:03:38
|
Up next
1:11:24
1:17:32
1:37:49
1:35:14
1:34:02
3:50:48
1:40:57
1:37:00
1:34:14
1:47:27
1:32:18
1:24:58
1:33:04
1:37:26
1:24:17
1:39:23
1:43:57
2:05:10
1:31:40
1:24:04
Be the first to comment