- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Good morning.
00:07I know this is a dream you know.
00:20No it isn't silly.
00:23I'm here.
00:25I've moved in because we're in love.
00:28No.
00:31No, my brain won't even allow me to enjoy dreams these days.
00:35Someone who hates me.
00:37No, it's no good. I may as well wake up.
00:39And what makes you think it's a dream?
00:43Well...
00:46You know.
00:49What does this?
00:54Plus there are other clues. I mean the proclaimers are in my room.
00:57We're making a potch.
01:02Oh piss!
01:03It's overcrowded enough in here as it is.
01:06I heard that.
01:07Yes, and I heard you last night snoring.
01:09I was sharing a room with a dot matrix printer.
01:11You've got a nerve talking about my night time shortcomings.
01:14Who eats lamb chops at two o'clock in the morning in bed.
01:17No one's making you stay, Brian.
01:18It's any wonder the dog follows you around.
01:20You constantly smell of meat.
01:22Brian! Breakfast is ready!
01:25Coming, Mrs D.
01:27Piss! Get out!
01:32Piss! Get out!
01:33Piss!
01:58And so, if I hadn't have explored my community, I'd never have met Jerry here.
02:06And you see, that's what Community Week is all about.
02:09It's about reaping the rewards for looking around you and getting involved.
02:14And we're very lucky that Jerry has agreed to leave Bella here with us for the week.
02:19So feel free to pop by and say hi.
02:24I'd like to finish with a poem.
02:26Don't groan, not all poems are boring.
02:35Me?
02:38We.
02:39Now, this poem was made up on the spot by a very great person.
02:43Do you know who?
02:48This man.
02:49Boys and girls, we are stronger together.
02:52Enjoy Community Week.
02:56Thank you so much.
03:06God!
03:08Alistair's good, isn't he?
03:09Oh, he is.
03:11I also sort of want him dead.
03:13Oh, even you can't be cynical about Community Week, surely?
03:16Oh, no.
03:19Oh, adorable.
03:22Who's this?
03:23Its name is Piss.
03:24Stop following me around, you hairy little shit.
03:26Oh, he's so cute.
03:28Who's this he?
03:29He, um...
03:30He belongs to this old guy I visit.
03:39You visit?
03:40Yeah, he's a war veteran.
03:42He hasn't got anyone anymore, so I just pop round sometimes, do a bit of ironing for him,
03:46and he tells me what it was like having no bananas and, you know, all that.
03:50Dan, you do not visit an old war veteran.
03:53What, because I don't crow about it and bring him in for an assembly like that, dick?
03:57Well, you should.
03:58Most people, the head included, think that you're a...
04:01Well, a lazy tosser.
04:05Lazy?
04:06Lazy!
04:09Is this lazy?
04:12This?
04:13No, what?
04:17Oh.
04:19Lazy.
04:20Is...
04:21Were any of those lazy?
04:32Honestly, sometimes I think she's not the girl for me.
04:34There's no trust.
04:35You don't visit an old man.
04:37What's that got to do with it?
04:38Where's the trust?
04:39Well, either way, I'm going to have to find one.
04:41Ass up.
04:42Who's big Dave Bowers?
04:43What?
04:44He's only about 50.
04:45I'm 32.
04:46Fucking hell, Dave.
04:47Eat some veg, mate.
04:49Ta-da!
04:50What do you think?
04:52Sort of looks a bit like Miley Cyrus.
04:55This fucking shit.
04:58I've done your cue now, Brian.
05:00Look.
05:01Yes.
05:02Do you think it's time for another visit to the job centre?
05:04No.
05:04Jackie said I'm a free spirit.
05:06She'll concentrate on my art.
05:07Brian, I need to get hold of a World War II vet.
05:09Oh, God.
05:10I forgot this place was like a swap shop for the mentally ill.
05:14Listen, I'm not staying.
05:15I just popped in to say I'm cooking tonight.
05:166.30 sharp, okay?
05:18Yes.
05:21He's got to go.
05:22He's been a nightmare since Julia kicked him out.
05:24And it's weird.
05:25Who takes a stopwatch into the toilet?
05:28Where the hell am I going to find a pensioner?
05:30I'd love to help, but I'm doing portraits that Autumn leaves this weekend.
05:33Autumn leaves the retirement home.
05:35Yeah.
05:36Perfect models.
05:37Can't move.
05:38The old people.
05:39At the retirement home.
05:40Yeah.
05:41Some of them are so old.
05:42You can't help me, no.
05:43Are you deaf?
05:44I'm working.
05:45You're like the old people at the retirement home.
05:47But you don't know any old people.
05:51Dan, I think you need a holiday, mate.
05:52Right.
05:57Concentrate.
05:58Go.
06:00Hello there.
06:01Hello.
06:03Robin.
06:04He always shits himself in school, please.
06:06Only if I have lines.
06:07I never chapped myself when I was with Donkey and Timothy.
06:10Just go to the toilet.
06:11Right.
06:13My community is full of surprises.
06:16Good morning, Mr. Davis.
06:18Out for a walk.
06:20Yes, young Ralph.
06:20See you in school.
06:22This is shit, sir.
06:23Silence!
06:25Oh, look.
06:26It's old Mrs. Campbell.
06:27The mean-spirited old lady.
06:29I'm horrible to everyone.
06:31I wish people would give me a chance, though.
06:33I'm only like this because I have no friends.
06:37Seriously, not one.
06:40I'm not doing this.
06:41None of us want to do it.
06:42Shut up.
06:44It's inspiring.
06:45Guys, I'm inspiring you.
06:47Ah.
06:48Go on, we'll finish it tomorrow.
06:50Are you seriously doing an assembly?
06:58Yes.
06:59With a war veteran?
07:01Very much the centre of the piece.
07:03You are full of surprises, Dan Davis.
07:08Shh.
07:09I don't do this for thanks.
07:13Have you been eating meat?
07:14What is it you say it is?
07:21Truffle oil?
07:22Yes, a little.
07:23Brings out the flavor of the aubergine, doesn't it?
07:25It's a squid, dear.
07:28Daniel, you're late.
07:30Yes.
07:31Well, unlike you, Zelda from Terrorhawks, I have a job.
07:34I did give you plenty of notice, Dan.
07:35Brian has taken the trouble to make us this wonderful meal,
07:38and you can't even be bothered to turn up.
07:40If I were any less relaxed, I'd take a length of rubber hosing to you.
07:44You are all aware that marital crisis boy here is sharing my bedroom?
07:50Well, if you'll excuse me, I think Morse is on.
07:54You monstrous shit!
08:00You never think about the people around you, do you?
08:02I've really noticed it since Brian moved in.
08:06Keys.
08:07What?
08:07We've had a chat, and we've decided Brian needs house keys more than you do.
08:11You're not serious.
08:12Deadly.
08:13And we have also bagged up all your old clothes from your wardrobe,
08:17and we're burning them.
08:18Poor Brian needs storage space.
08:20Give me those!
08:22Keys!
08:24Everybody getting married.
08:30Tony getting married.
08:32Belinda getting married.
08:33Sophie not getting married.
08:35She's a holiday rape.
08:37Gregory going to Vegas getting married by an Elvis.
08:42What?
08:43I just bought you some clothes.
08:45I got eyes.
08:46Right.
08:47Some really nice stuff there.
08:49Would you like to go through them?
08:50No.
08:51Maybe a thank you?
08:53You want the clothes back?
08:54No, but...
08:55You don't need a clothes?
08:56No.
08:57But I think a little thank you wouldn't go amiss.
08:59You want me to hang up?
09:01No.
09:02If you want me to hang up, you better tell me to hang up!
09:09Jennifer gone to Gretna Green.
09:11What?
09:15Walter is perfect for your assembly.
09:17He's well nice.
09:18Yes.
09:19Also lacking that most vital of presentation skills, the gift of speech.
09:22Well, I introduced you to Roger, and he was in the war.
09:24He was also not in trousers and pants.
09:27Come on, Joe.
09:28Ah, the war.
09:29Ah, there.
09:30There was a time when we all pulled together.
09:33Hi, Tim.
09:33Do you like the painting I did of you?
09:35Oh, yes.
09:35Yes.
09:35Thank you, dear.
09:36Very, very good.
09:37Yes.
09:39You haven't introduced me to Tim, Joe.
09:42No, I don't think he's quite right.
09:43He doesn't wear a hat.
09:44Why would I need him to wear a hat?
09:46Well, I don't really need to wear a hat because I don't get to go out very often.
09:51Oh.
09:52Well, maybe I could take you out for a lovely cup of tea sometime, Tim.
09:54Oh, well, yes, that would be lovely.
09:57The town hall's having a craft fair for community week.
09:59You should come down.
10:00I'm doing some portraits.
10:01Craft fair.
10:02How lovely.
10:03Reminds me of the war, yes.
10:05Simple times.
10:07Shall we, Tim?
10:09Oh.
10:12Right.
10:22This is it.
10:22Yeah, go on.
10:24You go in.
10:25I'll catch you up.
10:26There's just, uh, there's just something I've got to do.
10:30I'll come with you.
10:32Shall I?
10:32Sure.
10:34Oh.
10:35I feel a little nervous crossing roads.
10:39OK.
10:40Now, now, ladies.
10:42It was Dan's idea to let me stay.
10:43He's not all bad.
10:45Well, I, for one, prefer you, Brian.
10:48Yes, Dan?
10:49Come on, Polly.
10:50What does Daniel bring to the party that Brian doesn't?
10:54Oh, look.
10:56You can get your name on a piece of rice.
10:58Brian, would you like your name on a piece of rice?
11:02My treat?
11:03I couldn't, Auntie.
11:04I can call you Auntie.
11:07You can call me anything you want, dear boy.
11:09If you were thirsty, I would happily wet-nurse you.
11:14If these wells weren't so very dry.
11:19Everybody on 3G.
11:22Marlene on 3G.
11:23Patrick on 3G.
11:25Paula not on 3G.
11:26She don't trust smartphone.
11:29Yes?
11:30Just popped in to see how my clothes are selling.
11:32Why?
11:33Well, I suppose I bought you some nice things,
11:36and I just wondered if it raised any money for your charity.
11:39Why you aren't praised for giving away rubbish?
11:42It's not rubbish.
11:43I think that's my point.
11:44I like this jug.
11:46OK.
11:48Sorry, you don't want me to buy it for you?
11:50Oh, yes.
11:50Yes, please.
11:52Reminds me of one I had in the war.
11:54Right.
11:55How much is this jug, please?
11:57£100.
11:57What?
11:58Don't be ridiculous.
11:59I wouldn't shit in it.
12:00Oh, I really like it.
12:05Oh, no, I don't really like...
12:08I don't like crowds.
12:10Don't worry, too.
12:11We're just going to pop in and have a nice cup of tea.
12:12Well, could we hold hands?
12:16What?
12:16Oh, yeah, I'd feel better if we...
12:18If we could hold hands.
12:21Do you know, I'd rather not.
12:22Oh.
12:24I'd better go back to the home, then.
12:26She says I'm not spontaneous enough, and...
12:30Well, I suppose she has a point.
12:34Rubbish!
12:34You were going to pay for your crumpet,
12:37and you changed it to a toasted tea cake.
12:40The woman had even started to warm it.
12:43Yes.
12:44It was a little maverick.
12:48Oh.
12:51Right.
12:52I think we can stop holding hands now, Tim.
12:54Oh, I'd rather not.
12:55Oh, cake.
12:59Having a nice time?
13:01Perfectly lovely, thank you.
13:03Brian has treated us to a cream tea.
13:06I'll bet he has.
13:07It was the least I could do.
13:09You have put a roof over my head.
13:10Which was my idea.
13:12When will I be receiving my cream tea?
13:14Daniel, you shouldn't do things for people just to get thanked.
13:18Typical.
13:19Wipes his own bottom and wants a badge.
13:21Daniel, this woman wants some money.
13:26I like scones.
13:27All right, now, Tim.
13:35Well, not really, no.
13:36I...
13:37You know, I'm not feeling very confident.
13:39I...
13:39You know, I think I'd rather go back to the home.
13:42Unless, um...
13:46Unless, um...
13:47Oh, I want my name in wire.
14:11Christ.
14:13How much is it?
14:14Three pounds a letter.
14:16All right, then, Tim.
14:19That's too good.
14:20Oh, it's crazy.
14:22This bloke's a fucking nightmare.
14:23He's costing me a fortune.
14:25He's just lonely.
14:26He's spreading a bit of joy.
14:28Just like I am with my paintings.
14:30It's all about the money.
14:34I'm not paying for that.
14:35He looks like Miley Cyrus.
14:37Echo, you don't have to pay for it.
14:39Tim's going to be brilliant in your assembly.
14:41I'll come along, help with the kids.
14:43For free!
14:45Thanks, mate.
14:46This man wants paying.
14:50Fuck's sake.
14:57New personal best.
14:59Why are you dressed like that?
15:01It's Sunday morning.
15:02Just taking the ladies to church as a thank you.
15:04You're staying in my bedroom.
15:06In your mum's house.
15:07It's me who has to put up with you.
15:08Do you think I want to be here?
15:10It might surprise you to learn that my wife not speaking to me
15:12is pretty ruddy painful, actually.
15:15Just look further than the end of your own nose for once.
15:19Oh, hello.
15:20One of the nurses brought me.
15:22I've answered a trip to the seaside.
15:25Reminds me of the war.
15:29Sir, piss keeps running off.
15:34Well, put him on a lead.
15:36He's the big half-factor at the end.
15:38Dan, where do you want Maddy to bring this on?
15:41I've told you.
15:42Just after the emotional summing up,
15:44after the war veteran's been on.
15:46You.
15:46You don't miss your queue.
15:47Chill out, Dan.
15:48This is going to be wicked.
15:50I might just get away with it if that weirdo Tim delivers.
15:52Oh, he's not coming.
15:54What?
15:54It says anything to feel confident?
15:56I saw him last night after autumn leaves.
15:57Bastard!
15:58He was confident enough to have four rides on a donkey at the seaside yesterday.
16:02And as many ice creams.
16:04Right, you watch this lot.
16:05I'll go and get him.
16:06Bastard!
16:06No good.
16:11Stop.
16:18Please, Tim.
16:19No, I can't do it.
16:20I feel too nervous.
16:21No, it's not going to take long, so please.
16:24I've never really had very much confidence.
16:25I'd feel better if I could wear your shirt.
16:29What?
16:30Well, it's such a nice shirt.
16:32I think it would give me confidence.
16:34Well, you're not having my fucking shirt, so...
16:37Oh, well, you'd better take me back to the home, then.
16:43All right.
16:44I'll have to go back to my house to get another shirt.
16:47I haven't got any keys.
16:48Tara, Jeremy, Cleo, Sean, Stephen and Felicity.
16:59All of them got damp proofing.
17:03Come back for more praise.
17:05Well, it would be nice.
17:06I'd like one of my shirts back, please.
17:08Certainly.
17:09Two hundred pounds.
17:11I gave them to you.
17:13They're top quality.
17:14You say so yourself.
17:15Two hundred pounds.
17:16If you do not give me one of those shirts back,
17:18I swear I will.
17:20Never give to charity again.
17:21You think it matters what you're bringing?
17:25See this?
17:27There'll be five pottery holes in tomorrow to replace it.
17:30You don't get thanked.
17:32This?
17:33Who you think going by, Johnny Maffis?
17:38They didn't get thanked.
17:40And who you think going by,
17:42close to fitter, lanky, fat chops like you?
17:45No-one!
17:46No-one!
17:49Fine.
17:50I'll take one.
17:52Could I have a bag, please?
17:53I've got one in the back.
17:54That'll be a pawn.
17:55Now, volunteered assemblies are very dear to me.
18:10And I'm sure you'll all agree
18:12that last week's assembly by Mr Thomas
18:15was a tour de force.
18:17Me.
18:18We.
18:19Well done.
18:20Happy.
18:24Well, I still feel a bit nervous.
18:27Right.
18:27Well, we're on in a few moments.
18:28I'm sure you'll be fine.
18:29Sir, my stomach feels gurgly.
18:32Yes, well, all you're doing is waving now, isn't it, Robin?
18:34So, relax.
18:37Everything right on stage?
18:38Music sorted?
18:39Yep.
18:39It's going to be so good.
18:41You'll hardly notice pisses missing at all.
18:43What?
18:43I need him.
18:45That prick Alistrad, a cute animal.
18:47Find him.
18:49Am I going to have to go on without the dog?
18:52Oh, no, no.
18:52No, that's really dented my confidence.
18:55No, I don't think I can go on.
18:57Tim, please!
19:00So, without any further ado,
19:02I call upon Mr Davis
19:04and the pupils of 9G.
19:06My community is very important to me.
19:30Hello.
19:30Hello.
19:36Now, then,
19:41how many of you know
19:42who said
19:43these inspirational words?
19:46One, two,
19:48ten,
19:49one.
19:52No?
19:53It was this man.
19:59Miley Cyrus.
20:02Oh, fuck.
20:03It's Winston Churchill!
20:06When I say the word
20:08pensioner,
20:10what is it that you think of?
20:12Piss!
20:13Piss!
20:15You don't perhaps think hero,
20:17but after today,
20:19you might.
20:21Who?
20:22Kim!
20:23What?
20:25Who has a question for Tim
20:27about the war?
20:28Piss!
20:29Piss!
20:31Piss!
20:32I'm going to have to go backstage
20:33and sort this out.
20:35Get off my head.
20:36You.
20:39Ask Tim a question about the war.
20:44Piss!
20:44Piss!
20:46Should I find him?
20:47No, not yet.
20:48Oh, keep looking.
20:49Just shove him on at the end
20:50when the music stars play you.
20:54Everybody's stealing from charity.
20:58Oh.
20:58No.
21:00No!
21:01Take off this shirt.
21:02It's my shirt.
21:03You're a thief!
21:03You're a thief!
21:13Now.
21:16So.
21:17Tim.
21:18Where did you serve in the war?
21:22Behind the counter.
21:24Yes, I was always rather worried
21:26that there weren't going to be enough chairs
21:27and, you know, people would get cross.
21:31What?
21:31Not that many people bought shoes
21:34in those days
21:34but we were always quite busy
21:36on Saturdays.
21:38You worked in a shoe shop?
21:39Yes, yes.
21:41Hmm.
21:41But you also served in the army.
21:44Oh, no, I wasn't allowed in the army.
21:46No, they said I was far too nervous
21:48for all the guns.
21:50Hmm.
21:51I've spent about 400 pounds on you!
21:53Oh, my God!
22:07Oh, my God!
22:09Good morning, Mr. Davis.
22:10I'll have a walk!
22:12Sit down, please.
22:15Oh, my God!
22:16Sit down.
22:20Oh, my God!
22:21Oh, my God!
22:22Oh, my God!
22:22Oh, my God!
22:23It's because the starship has happened to us.
22:27Why is tears that's the heart of the air?
22:31And I saw the...
22:32Sounds awful.
22:35Yep.
22:38What are we doing here?
22:40I made a real mess of today, mate, and I...
22:43I suppose I just wanted to do one thing right, so...
22:46I bumped into your wife and she agreed to meet.
22:49Look.
22:50I know, you probably think it's because I want you out of the house,
22:53but it isn't that.
22:56I can just see you're hurting, so...
23:00Thank you, Dan.
23:02I'm going to turn it on.
23:04I can see you're hurting my heart.
23:10I don't know if you're hurting...
23:15I'm going to turn it on.
23:18Oh, don't...
23:31Brian? That's not my wife.
23:33What? Who is it, then?
23:35No idea, but it's not my wife. Shall we go home?
23:39You've gotta be cruel to be kind
23:42In the right measure
23:44Cruel to be kind
23:46That's a very good sign
23:48Cruel to be kind
23:50Means that I love you
23:52Baby
23:54You've gotta be cruel to be kind
24:04Well, I've done my best
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