- 6 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:00she is gorgeous who my fancy new professional self-cleaning oven it arrives today I'll be
00:18able to cook in my kitchen and eat whatever I want whatever I want it pretty much I already
00:23do that hey you should be nice to me mountain boy I'm a good cook which means your quality
00:28of life is about to improve drastically oh no offense I love the food here I get it how many
00:34burgers can one woman eat five I saw a woman eat five once it was a rhetorical question are you as
00:42good at cooking as you said you were at poker because you suck at poker oh yes I confused
00:48hearts with poker but I am a good cook I'm better no I'm sure you make a mean oven by a marshmallow
00:54I make a kick-ass stew my kick-ass stew the kicker kick-ass stew's ass cook off tomorrow game on
01:04amazing how much a woman can eat when you're buying so what you're saying is you're shooting a sex video
01:12what no what I'm saying is is that I've been hired by the Anchorage Zoo to film sea otters mating in
01:20wild Jack shooting a sex video filming sea otters well sea otters deserve privacy too I hope you're at least
01:28getting their consent that's right you need consent to film porno I learned that one the hard way I
01:33don't need to know don't want to know what is the zoo going to do with otter porn sell it in their gift
01:41shop no they're gonna show it to the other otters no you are making this up the otter parent the zoo's
01:52been there 11 years they stopped mating ah the 11 year age lost their spark that happens not to me but
01:59to some people and apparently some otters I mean she she must gotten sick of him sitting around the
02:04damn all day watching otter ball well all right you know you can laugh but they did the same thing
02:09for pandas at the Bangkok Zoo it worked they made it to Jack's first portal otters gone wild
02:34not bad it's water speak for fantastic thank you and thank you my drink stove
03:04I can't believe I'm saying this yours is better told you all right how did that happen you're
03:10basically homeless I'm being outcooked by a homeless guy what is that yummy potato but better than
03:16potato taste my special ingredient uh-huh the macho root it's like the potatoes better looking older
03:24brother where'd you get that in the forest oh you washed it first right yes wow there is uh so much
03:33work but worth it finding that one special ingredient change chemistry of the whole dish
03:38it's like in relationships oh now you're a relationship expert too don't try to take me
03:43on in this area all I'm saying is people are like stew there's one person out there who perfects you
03:49you really believe that well not the one person part for me it's more like eight or ten okay but you
03:56believe that there is a chemical thing between two people but it's more than attraction sure you
04:03than I have it don't mistake my annoyance for chemistry I demand a do-over it's like poker all over
04:12again tomorrow night kitchen game on game on give me where that's due
04:18but this one here this is me and your great-grandpa washing oh boy now this is me today I got my
04:29plane I never will forget that one what's this huh your mom I put that one in there she likes this
04:37picture of herself apparently so did I yep and this this is me and George the end of the Washington line
04:47what do you mean how he took his stepfather's name after Nell and I divorced oh well you can't blame the kid
04:55Patrick George Washington what were we thinking about this Michael Bubba the best fisherman in all Alabama
05:05boy he could catch fish just by calling him fish this way Leroy this way
05:14I don't think he knows his name yet maybe this will help
05:22wow a bachelor's I'm gonna frame it and hang it over the fireplace I know we're not married yet
05:32I couldn't wait to do a needlepoint a bachelor's that's always been my mom and me and now it'll be
05:40all three of us excuse me Leroy all four of us I meant all four of us well bachelor was Hal's last name
05:47and Hal was near my real father Buzz is my real dad he's Washington I don't even know who I am anymore
05:56I don't even know who I am anymore you're not sure who I am anymore you're not sure who I am anymore
06:02you're wrong you're self-service
06:06who is that guy
06:16my ex
06:18hi sir what are you doing here I want to talk to you do I think the court summons said enough
06:32I'm sorry you didn't answer my calls or my letters I have to get your attention somehow
06:43I got a good job now and and I'm married congratulations
06:47my life is finally in order I just wanted you to know that work with me here
06:54you can't come on I have a right to see my own son you can come to Elmo and see him anytime but
07:01you can't take him I'm his father his father who signed away all custody rights when he moved away
07:07I was confusing so were we you didn't even tell us where you were living half the time
07:14Matty has stability now I think any judge would agree he needs a good father not someone who's seen
07:19him seven times in seven years you think you're such a good parent I mean we both know that you've
07:26made your share of mistakes we both know you made them
07:30you just made it personal
07:38everything all right here yeah
07:43fine
07:45we'll see you at the hearing
08:00hey you want breakfast
08:11uh no I'm good
08:13all right I'll bring your lunch then
08:15all right thanks
08:17I'll see you later
08:21all right love you
08:22yeah me too
08:24well hey good to meet you here
08:43how you doing great fine
08:48terrible
08:51I'm faxing my lawyer
08:53what's wrong
08:57my ex-husband is suing me for full custody of Matty
09:01the hearing is in two days
09:02oh I'm so sorry
09:05do you want me to come
09:08no
09:08really I'm fine
09:10I can handle this
09:11I didn't even know you were still in the picture
09:15he wasn't
09:16until last week
09:17you are a great mom
09:22the judge is definitely going to see that
09:25he knows
09:30my ex-husband knows I was
09:32oh
09:34what's the judge going to think of that
09:36what does your lawyer say
09:40he really doesn't think it's good health
09:43you are a lot more than your resume
09:48hey mom
09:51look at this ninja book I just found
09:53wow
09:54I've been reading it just for just a little bit though
09:57you haven't read the whole thing yet?
09:59no
09:59I like that
10:01nice
10:02that guy's good
10:03what did extra pickles this time?
10:14so I don't come back in my pajamas again
10:16I enjoyed that but yes
10:19hey no pajamas this time
10:22shut up
10:23I'm out to the bank
10:25okay
10:26love you
10:27love you too
10:27what?
10:33nothing
10:33just um
10:36how often do you do that?
10:39tell her that you love her
10:40every chance I get it
10:42really?
10:43yeah
10:43I'm just
10:44so grateful to have her back in my life
10:47I want her to know it
10:48you know
10:48pathetic?
10:51no
10:51sweet
10:52see ya
10:55bye
10:55hey Lynn
11:04what do you think of these?
11:07yeah
11:07forget-me-nots?
11:08Alaska state flower
11:09yeah
11:10I like them
11:10they're cheerful
11:11I want them at my wedding
11:13now that Patrick and I have decided to get married here in Elmo
11:15oh
11:17I thought you wanted to get married in New York
11:18this is where we met
11:20I just think it seems so much more romantic this way
11:23don't you think?
11:25yeah
11:25hey uh
11:30cheeseburger and onion rings
11:31oh thanks
11:32I ate half
11:33so Annie and Patrick are so adorable about their wedding
11:40so what are you thinking?
11:43do you still want to do that midnight backyard ceremony we always talked about?
11:48yeah
11:48I mean
11:50whatever you want
11:52yeah
11:55yeah
11:56okay
11:56great
11:57hey sorry am I up
12:06trying to find the perfect native ingredient for my stew
12:09uh hey
12:11Patrick
12:13do you believe in chemistry?
12:16oh yeah
12:17Annie and I definitely have chemistry
12:19yeah
12:20oh
12:20so
12:21what is it
12:22exactly?
12:24I don't know
12:25but as soon as I met her
12:26I knew I wanted her to be Mrs.
12:30whoever the hell I am
12:31having a little identity crisis here
12:34well
12:35we don't have time for that now
12:37you are on the air
12:39hey Elmo
12:43so if attraction is what brings people together
12:48what is it that keeps us together?
12:50is it hard work and dedication to a relationship?
12:54or is it something less definable?
12:58what do you think?
12:59does it all really come down to chemistry?
13:03why did you keep Hal's last name for the last 26 years?
13:11you don't say hello anymore?
13:13well you were married for like a minute
13:14why did you keep the bachelor?
13:17well Hal and I may not have had the best marriage Patrick
13:20but he was still a big part of who I was
13:22who I am
13:23right?
13:24and I always wanted you and I to have the same last name
13:27so
13:27it just made sense
13:29yeah but it doesn't make sense
13:30why didn't you go back to your maiden name?
13:34his butt?
13:36Celia his butt?
13:37I've been trying to ditch that since the fourth grade
13:39right
13:40I mean
13:40you would have been Pat his butt
13:42you should be thanking me
13:45well I don't know what I'm looking for
13:56but I know that I just want to look some more
14:00and I won't be satisfied
14:03till there's nothing left that I haven't tried
14:07for some people it's an easy choice
14:10but for me there's a devil and an angel
14:13for it
14:14well I don't know what I am looking for
14:17but I know that I just want to live some more
14:21hey
14:21jack
14:25what are you doing here?
14:28uh my um otter movie
14:30oh
14:31right
14:32what are you doing here?
14:34um I'm just picking up some things
14:36for dinner
14:37well the general store is about four miles south here
14:40I'm looking for wild garlic
14:42ah
14:43you know it's winter
14:44a mild winter
14:45and wild garlic grows in early spring in the woods
14:48page 74 Alaskan guide to Florence Launa
14:50that's impressive
14:51but you're not in the woods anymore
14:54yes I can see that
14:55I have been walking for quite a while
14:57well good luck to you
15:03and your otters
15:05you uh
15:13you sure you're gonna be okay?
15:15it's kind of confusing in there
15:16let me get you a compass
15:17don't you worry
15:19Goldilocks will be fine
15:20Sarah
15:34I don't know why I'm here
15:50well it's not required that you do
15:54I used to feel safe in church
15:58when I was a kid
15:59I didn't remember that
16:02until I
16:03was here last
16:04with you
16:05I might lose my son tomorrow
16:17his father wants him back
16:20and I'm worried that choices I had to make in order to keep him
16:30are the same choices that might cause me to lose him
16:35Sarah you just have to have faith
16:39but I don't know what I believe in
16:47but right now
16:48the only thing you have to believe in is yourself
16:52avoiding eye contact
16:59touching the face with the hands
17:01shooting fake smiles
17:04real
17:05fake
17:07all telltale signs of a criminal lying to you
17:11yeah
17:12you know
17:13I'm not sure I really believe in all that stuff
17:16well you should
17:16I'm certified
17:17I can tell a liar a mile away
17:19okay
17:21when you lie
17:27you
17:29my lady
17:29always look up to the right
17:32no I don't
17:34yes you do
17:34no I don't
17:35yes you do
17:35okay you know what
17:36you should probably
17:37you really should get going
17:38cause I have
17:39a ton of paperwork
17:41ha
17:41you just did it
17:42you're lying
17:43you're a liar
17:44all right
17:46you're like
17:47you're right
17:47I don't have a ton of paperwork
17:48I just really want you
17:49out of my office
17:50and into my bedroom
17:53ha ha
17:54real smile
17:56I can see your crow's feet
17:59okay
18:00we're done here
18:02Sylvia Batchelor
18:06you've been served
18:11what is that
18:17a summons
18:18yeah
18:20I have to appear
18:21in court this week
18:22lucky
18:23I love court
18:24the pursuit of justice
18:26yeah
18:28lucky
18:29oh
18:40hey
18:41did I uh
18:44leave something here
18:45uh yeah
18:46your sense of direction
18:47well
18:52second time's a charm
18:53see you around town
18:54Maren
18:56Maren wait wait
18:56wait
18:57you can't just
18:58wander in the woods
18:59it can't get dangerous
19:00in there
19:01well I'm not staying
19:02here with you
19:03well
19:04just at least
19:05have lunch with me
19:06have half a sandwich
19:07let me draw you a map
19:09this is where we are
19:14and here is where you need to be
19:17didn't I start over there
19:19you know what
19:23I
19:23I can take it back
19:25they haven't made it yet
19:26have they
19:27no you'd know
19:29no you'd know
19:29if they did
19:29it's not a quiet ritual
19:31best sex never is
19:32so have you um
19:43set a date
19:43yet
19:44um no I haven't really been
19:48involved in the planning
19:49oh
19:49I'll probably do it
19:52after the baby's born
19:52one big event at a time
19:55yeah right
19:57hey man
20:06wild garlic
20:07Maren that's not wild garlic
20:13it's cow parsnip
20:14oh
20:16okay
20:18parsnip could be interesting
20:19yeah except it's highly poisonous
20:20my hand is burning
20:22yeah
20:24ow
20:30sorry
20:31I'm trying to be gentle
20:33you should not be able to call a poisonous plant parsnip
20:38you should call it skull and crossbones or something
20:41well
20:44you're gonna be okay
20:47swelling to not equal
20:50okay
20:51I have some antihistamine in my bag
20:54I got you to take the swelling down
20:56it's just your body reacting to the toxins
20:59okay
21:02okay
21:02okay
21:02okay
21:06wondering tonight if you'll be alone
21:09which one's the girl again
21:19which one's the girl again?
21:33uh
21:35the smaller one
21:36I don't think she's that into her
21:40well
21:42hopefully she will be
21:44females generally avoid the males
21:47outside of the breeding periods
21:48a smart girl
21:50knows when to make her move
21:51better chance of success
21:53that way she won't have to ask herself
21:56what did I do wrong?
21:59will you call me?
22:01oh you still love it when I did that
22:04I'm so sleepy
22:12it's the antihistamine
22:13or the near-death experience
22:16death
22:18by parsnip
22:19I'm so sleepy
22:20I'm so sleepy
22:21I'm so sleepy
22:22I'm so sleepy
22:23I'm so sleepy
22:24I'm so sleepy
22:25I'm so sleepy
22:26I'm so sleepy
22:27I'm so sleepy
22:28I'm so sleepy
22:29I'm so sleepy
22:30I'm so sleepy
22:31I'm so sleepy
22:32I'm so sleepy
22:33I'm so sleepy
22:34I'm so sleepy
22:35I'm so sleepy
22:36I'm so sleepy
22:37I'm so sleepy
22:38I'm so sleepy
22:39I'm so sleepy
22:40I'm so sleepy
22:41I'm so sleepy
22:42I'm so sleepy
22:43I'm so sleepy
22:44I'm so sleepy
22:45I'm so sleepy
22:46I'm so sleepy
22:47What are you doing here?
23:10I told you, I love court.
23:12This is better than the long word.
23:13Seriously?
23:15Yeah.
23:23You really didn't need to come.
23:25No, I did.
23:26Sorry, Sarah.
23:27I got a summons.
23:41Hold on, Hevner.
23:43Hold on.
23:47Yes.
23:55Ha-ha!
23:58I'm Matt.
23:59Your otter's gone wild.
24:01It's my garlic gone wild.
24:04Why fold?
24:06I can't believe I've had my special ingredient.
24:08I guess we both found what we were looking for.
24:12Yeah.
24:13Patrick, what are you doing here?
24:34Uh, what are you doing here?
24:36Well, I was summoned here.
24:37But what?
24:44So it's official.
24:46Bachelor?
24:47It's just a name.
24:51I'm gonna be late.
24:52Patrick Batchelor.
24:59Thank you, Your Honor.
25:06We are here on Mr. Jackson's motion to change custody.
25:09The evidence will show that there has been a substantial change in circumstances since
25:14Ms. Jackson was originally awarded custody.
25:17In particular, we will show that Ms. Jackson has been engaged in prostitution.
25:22And that, as such, it is not in Matthew Jackson's best interest to remain with her.
25:28Mr. Jackson, however, and his wife are ready, willing, and able to care for Matthew.
25:33And we request the court award custody to them.
25:36Proceed.
25:38I'd like to call Chief Celia Batchelor to the stand, please.
25:50Chief Batchelor.
25:52Elmo is a small town.
25:55Safe to say everyone knows everyone else's business?
26:03You could say that.
26:06And in the course of your own work as police chief, you've become familiar with Sarah Jackson?
26:13Yes.
26:14Has Ms. Jackson ever been arrested or cited for prostitution?
26:19No.
26:21You were aware, however, that Ms. Jackson has, in fact, engaged in prostitution.
26:25No, I wasn't.
26:53Your mother.
26:55There's nothing sacred with her.
27:01Sarah is a hard-working, single mother who's made a lot of sacrifices for her son.
27:11Because that's what mothers do.
27:13They care for their children.
27:17Even when it seems like they don't care for us.
27:25All I know is she deserves some credit for that.
27:28You did a good deed, you know?
27:53No, saving you from a plant.
27:55Oh, well, yeah, I'm sure of that.
27:57But it also saved your relationship.
28:00Your porn might help the otters at the zoo find their spark again.
28:05Well, we'll see.
28:08So you kind of do for animals what I do for people.
28:10What, you film people having sex?
28:12I mean, that you're a relationship coach, you know.
28:19Yeah, I think it's easier with animals.
28:21And will you stop calling it porn?
28:33Look who's an artist now.
28:34Mr. Hammond, do you have any remaining witnesses to call?
28:43Your Honor, the men I had subpoenaed to testify,
28:47well, they have chosen not to appear today.
28:49You understand, Mr. Hammond, that means these men are now in contempt of court.
28:53Are you asking me to issue a warrant?
28:55No, Your Honor, we can continue.
29:02In that case, the court finds no substantial change of circumstance.
29:08Therefore, the father's motion to change custody, denied.
29:13Sarah Jackson to retain custody of Matthew Jackson.
29:21Well done, sir.
29:25Hey, thanks for coming.
29:32Of course.
29:33I'm so glad it worked out.
29:36Hey, can I buy you a celebratory burger?
29:39Yeah, I'd like that.
29:40Sarah, wait.
29:49Please, rethink this.
29:52I just want some time with him.
29:53I love Maddie.
29:55I'm sorry.
29:55I just miss my son.
30:17I'm hungry.
30:30You've waited up for me.
30:32Technically, no.
30:34I waited for dinner and it never came.
30:36Oh, yeah.
30:37I'm sorry about that.
30:40You're not sorry.
30:41You're all flushed and smiley.
30:44Uh, that's because I found my special secret ingredient.
30:50So get ready.
30:50I'm going to cook for you tonight.
30:51And I have a feeling it's not going to turn out like poker.
30:55We'll see about that.
31:01Hey.
31:02Hey.
31:02I was worried about you.
31:05Sorry.
31:05It just took all night.
31:07The orders were a little reluctant.
31:09But we finally got it.
31:11We?
31:13Um, oh, yeah, I, uh, ran into Marin out there.
31:16She was looking for wild garlic.
31:18She got lost.
31:20Then she got poisoned.
31:22Anyway, it's a long story.
31:24But it turned out great.
31:30Great.
31:33Hi, Ben.
31:35One pitcher, please.
31:37We're celebrating.
31:38The otter porn is on its way to the zoo.
31:40I hope them zoo otters don't get addicted to this stuff.
31:44It's a slippery slope.
31:51On the house.
31:56You didn't have to say what you said in court.
31:58No, I did.
32:00It's the only way people would have known the truth.
32:02The truth is, I was in the hospitality business.
32:07The truth is, Sarah, you're a good mother.
32:11The best thing for Maddie is living with his mother.
32:15And let's face it, you two should be spending time together at home.
32:18Not in court.
32:22Ma, can I talk to you for a minute?
32:35Uh, I wanted you all to know that I changed my name today.
32:40I needed my name to mean something.
32:42So I've been trying to figure out who I am.
32:44And, uh, I realize I'm made up of so many different people.
32:50And I love all of them.
32:52Uh, I mean, all of you.
32:55All right.
33:03Bachelor.
33:05The name my mom and I shared.
33:07Together.
33:08But I also wanted to share my name with my dad.
33:11Because I know he'll be a huge part of my life from this point on.
33:18And the O is for Annie.
33:23Son, there's no O in Annie.
33:26He means O'Donnell.
33:28O'Bachelerton.
33:31Yeah.
33:31I like it.
33:33Lots of couples are combining their names these days.
33:36It's very trendy.
33:38Yeah, now you're all officially part of my name.
33:41Except for his butt.
33:44It's ours.
33:45Yeah, no, I understand.
33:49How about that, huh?
33:52So a part of the Washington name gets to go on after all.
33:56That means the world to me, Patrick.
33:58Thank you, son.
34:00No, Dad.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:02Bye.
34:03Bye.
34:03Bye.
34:04Bye.
34:04Bye.
34:04Bye.
34:05Bye.
34:05Bye.
34:05Bye.
34:06Bye.
34:07Bye.
34:07Bye.
34:07Bye.
34:08Bye.
34:09Bye.
34:09Bye.
34:10Bye.
34:11Bye.
34:13Maybe I should submit it to the Discovery Channel.
34:17I don't swear I got that kind of footage.
34:19Good thing I waited.
34:21I just stayed up all night.
34:22All night.
34:22I know.
34:23With Merit.
34:24And nothing happened.
34:27No.
34:28Something did happen.
34:31You came home happy.
34:33Happier than I've seen you in a long time.
34:35Well, it's because I got the job done.
34:39I don't think you love me anymore.
34:41That's not true.
34:43How do I know if you don't say it?
34:46Ever.
34:48You used to say it, and now you didn't even say it when you proposed.
34:55See, you can't even say it now.
34:57I love you, all right?
34:59Yeah, that's how I want to hear it.
35:05What are you doing?
35:24I am an emotional eater.
35:25I am stuffing down my emotions.
35:28Do you mind?
35:35Dick, I'm sorry.
35:42So I'm for what?
35:44For lying or for disrespecting the law?
35:47You know what that's called?
35:48Perjury.
35:49Look, I had to say what I did, all right?
35:52I don't expect you to understand.
35:54You're not a mother.
35:54It's probably good we call it quits, right?
36:05I mean, it's not like we're in love or anything.
36:12I saw that.
36:15What?
36:16You do love me.
36:17No, I don't.
36:19You just did it again.
36:20No, I didn't.
36:21You did.
36:22I did not.
36:23You did.
36:24No, I didn't.
36:24Celia, your eyes went up to the right.
36:26All right, fine.
36:26I love you.
36:26What do you want, a medal?
36:28I don't know how you do it, Chief Celia.
36:30What?
36:32You make me forget the law.
36:38In case you were wondering, I love you, too.
36:42I wasn't.
36:45Damn it.
36:46Damn it.
36:54It's good.
36:54I know, right?
36:56It's good.
36:58I know, right?
37:01You win.
37:03Ah, my cuisine reign supreme.
37:06Yeah.
37:07So what's your perfect ingredient?
37:10I'm not revealing my secret.
37:13OK, fine.
37:14Just tell me.
37:15Think you can find it again?
37:16Yeah.
37:16I hope so.
37:21Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
37:29I, uh, I just can't do this anymore.
37:56I mean, I can support you.
38:02And I can support the baby.
38:06I just can't marry you.
38:13And I can't marry someone who doesn't love me.
38:19I was hoping that would change.
38:21But it hasn't.
38:26What happened to us?
38:30I guess we just lost it.
38:34I guess we lost our...
38:37spark.
38:46The good news and bad news about chemistry
38:49is that we'll never fully understand how it works.
38:52every relationship is an experiment.
39:01You never know exactly what you'll get.
39:07Some people bring out a side of you
39:09that you didn't know you had.
39:16Some people remind you that your story isn't over.
39:19some people surprise you
39:24hey buddy
39:29see you in two weeks
39:34thanks
39:39hey Sarah what changed
39:42he's part of you too Jeff
39:49and once in a while you surprise yourself
39:56and although all relationships require compromise
40:02I think he likes it
40:05sometimes you get more
40:10not less
40:12and sometimes
40:22you can't get more
40:24sometimes what you had is gone forever
40:27and although it's painful
40:36you have to find the strength to go on
40:38to keep searching for the love
40:40for that one perfect ingredient
40:43no matter how far
40:50or how deep
40:52you have to go to find it
40:53I'll be you
40:56and it's all I'm leaving
41:03I'll be you
41:07I'll be you
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