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  • 2 days ago
Adults (2025) S01E02 Spit Roast
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00:00To be continued...
00:30Hi.
00:32Hi.
00:33Peeing or pooping?
00:33It started as pooping, but now I'm not sure what it is.
00:36Oh, that's fine.
00:37That's most shits for me.
00:38Okay, Samir.
00:38Okay, you're sure, right?
00:39Because if I had this much body hair, I would flaunt it.
00:42I know you would use this very brave of you,
00:44but no, this girl says she wants me smooth as a sperm cell.
00:47Ew, what?
00:47Oh, sickening.
00:48But still, like, she's cute, you know?
00:50Okay, okay, we'll be back.
00:51Okay.
00:51Ow.
00:52You okay, Bills?
00:53Yeah, no, I'm fine.
00:54I just, I need to hear from work.
00:55Oh my God, Billy, you're not gonna get fired.
00:57Guys, I threatened my boss.
00:58I told him to be careful around me.
01:00So, even if they do fire you, what is the worst that happens?
01:03Uh, I go broke.
01:04I can't pay my loans.
01:05I start an OnlyFans, but only you guys subscribe.
01:08You can't do OnlyFans.
01:08Yeah, you wouldn't make it on there.
01:09Ow, okay, I think there might be actually something wrong.
01:11Okay, not against the grain.
01:12Peace, shaving cream.
01:13Oh, so true.
01:14Don't go against the grain.
01:15Sorry.
01:15What's wrong, period cramps?
01:17No, she's two weeks out.
01:18Oh, I'm sorry, Bills.
01:18Okay, open up.
01:19What?
01:19Yeah, I'm gonna pee between your legs.
01:20You've been in your leg all day.
01:21Anton, no.
01:22He's the best at that.
01:23No, you don't let him pee through your legs.
01:25Of course, we call it log fluming, because she's usually dropping one.
01:28Anton, just go downstairs.
01:29No, that bathroom scares me.
01:30Ow, guys.
01:31Okay, Billy, breathe, okay?
01:32You're just stressing yourself out over nothing.
01:33Ugh, I accidentally made a swastika.
01:35No, you didn't.
01:35Don't worry, I'm gonna salvage it.
01:37Don't worry, don't salvage.
01:38Don't, just delete.
01:39Beautiful.
01:39Well, the whole point was just to get rid of everything.
01:41Anton, just keep refreshing.
01:42I need to-
01:42Anton, don't pee in my pants shower, please.
01:44Stop yelling, I need to focus.
01:45Anton, stop.
01:46I don't feel great about this either, Samir.
01:47Oh, my God, Samir.
01:48You're done, you're done.
01:49Okay, I have to make a call.
01:50Ah!
01:53Which hole did that come from?
01:55The wrong one.
01:57Ah!
02:02You don't have a prostate, right?
02:03Oh.
02:04No.
02:04No, I don't.
02:05Hi, I'm here to see Billy Schaefer, the beautiful careerist with the bleeding asshole.
02:11Relationship to patient?
02:12Oh, actually, this one's fun.
02:14Okay, so Billy grew up with Samir, and then Samir and I went to college together.
02:17And then, actually, you're gonna die in this.
02:20So, Junior, your Anton enters the picture.
02:22And now, the friend group is finally, like, full, it feels like, because it has, like-
02:25I'll just put friend.
02:26Oh, totally.
02:27Thanks.
02:28Samir, breathe.
02:30I'm fine.
02:31I know.
02:31Anton said it could've just be post-anal drip.
02:35Yeah, he's fucking-
02:36Oh, he's fucking with me, yeah.
02:37Billy!
02:38Hi!
02:39Hi, sweetie.
02:40Here, here, here's your thing.
02:41Um, don't even worry.
02:42I just swung by work.
02:43I took the whole week off.
02:44Oh, no, please, don't do that.
02:47Totally.
02:47Totally fine.
02:48Guys, I'm fine.
02:50It's just a colonoscopy.
02:51Dad's got them all the time.
02:52Uh-huh.
02:53What's your weight bills?
02:54De Anton!
02:55What?
02:55It's for the anesthesia.
02:57Stale.
02:57It's fucked up that they ask.
02:59Billy?
03:00We're ready for you.
03:01You can just leave the forms for now.
03:03We just need you to choose your proxy.
03:05By someone who can make medical decisions for you in case of emergency.
03:09Oh.
03:09Huh.
03:10Um.
03:19Um.
03:19I will do it.
03:21I-I-I see.
03:22I mean-
03:22Billy?
03:22I'm so great in emergency situations.
03:25You know this.
03:25Remember when I got stung by all those bees?
03:28Uh-huh.
03:28Or I could.
03:32Yeah.
03:32I mean, I-I could do it.
03:34Yeah?
03:35Yeah.
03:36Yeah.
03:36Okay.
03:37Great.
03:38Yeah.
03:38Okay.
03:39Samir's got it.
03:40Wait.
03:40What?
03:40Okay.
03:41Do not worry about me.
03:42Samir, you've got this.
03:43Isa, go to work.
03:44Anton, keep refreshing my phone for work emails.
03:47Like, if-you can wake me up, honestly, if anything comes through.
03:49Good luck, Bills.
03:51Love you.
03:51Love you.
03:52Open wide.
03:55Guess I'm the guy.
04:00Anton, if you had to pick a proxy, you would obviously-
04:03Don't do this to yourself.
04:05It's not gonna end well.
04:06Got it.
04:08And we inspect the lining of the cold one.
04:11Okay.
04:11Got it.
04:12And you-you know she's allergic to the sesame?
04:14What is he even saying?
04:15Can I use your card, then?
04:17I feel like I should be taking notes.
04:18Samir's not even-
04:19Oh, my God.
04:20Finally.
04:20Hi, baby.
04:21Hi.
04:21I'm so sorry.
04:22I'm late.
04:22The afternoon is a mess.
04:23How's it going?
04:24Truly horrible.
04:25Really?
04:26Yeah, Billy didn't pick me as her proxy, even though I am literally the nexus of this
04:29friend group.
04:30Totally.
04:31Yes.
04:32Uh, I meant more, like, how's Billy doing?
04:34Oh, I mean, she's touch and go.
04:35What?
04:36What?
04:36I don't know.
04:37I don't know what that means.
04:37I'm just trying to tell you why I feel unseen, Paul Baker.
04:40Okay, I see you.
04:40Can you?
04:40I see you.
04:41I see you.
04:41Yeah.
04:42Hey.
04:43So, she's not up yet, but, uh, I talked to the doctor and she's-she's gonna be fine.
04:48Oh, what was wrong?
04:49They don't even know what was wrong.
04:51What?
04:52I don't know.
04:53What-what do you mean they don't know?
04:54Yeah, I mean, they want her back in-in two weeks, obviously, for, uh, endoscopy.
04:59It's like a throat scope thing.
05:00Okay.
05:00And, uh, yeah.
05:01Insurance is gonna cover the whole thing.
05:03Bada-bing, bada-boom.
05:04Taken care of.
05:06No worries.
05:08What?
05:11No, nothing.
05:12Nothing?
05:13I mean, she-she might not have insurance in two weeks, but...
05:17She might not have insurance in two weeks, Samir.
05:20What?
05:20She's insured through work.
05:21Insured through work, Samir!
05:23So, we have to get this done today, otherwise she's gonna owe, like, a million dollars when
05:27she is out of work.
05:28Mm-hmm.
05:29I'm gonna have to deal with this.
05:31No, no, Issa, you're gonna make it worse.
05:33You're not doing anything!
05:35Okay, well, she picked me, Issa.
05:36I'm the praxis.
05:37Proxy.
05:38Proxy.
05:40Okay.
05:42Eat your fuckin' twigs.
05:43Baby, come on.
05:44Oh.
05:47Okay, I got this.
05:48Of course.
05:49I got this.
05:49She picked you.
05:50She picked me, so I got this.
05:52Yeah, she picked you.
05:52You're her pick-me girl.
05:54Good luck.
05:55Yeah, that's gonna go, Harley.
05:58Yeah.
05:59Mm-hmm.
06:01You wanna race wheelchairs?
06:02Fuck yeah.
06:04Here, this is her.
06:08Corners!
06:12So, we got Owen's life.
06:13Dr. Powell?
06:14I think after that.
06:15Dr. Powell?
06:15Hi.
06:16Hi.
06:17What's, uh, your friend is not out yet.
06:19We'll get you when she's ready.
06:20No, just real quick.
06:22Just, sorry.
06:23The test that you had mentioned, the, um...
06:27Endoscopy.
06:27No, sorry, I wrote it down.
06:30Um...
06:30No, you're right.
06:34Endoscopy.
06:34Could we maybe just do that today?
06:37You know?
06:38Just, like, while you're in there.
06:40While I'm in there?
06:41I don't know where it is, but could you just...
06:43You should go back to the waiting room.
06:45Your friend can call the office tomorrow.
06:46She can't.
06:47No, she can't, because she has this insurance thing.
06:49Oh, she can ask the front desk about insurance.
06:51It's gonna...
06:51Kid, she'll be okay.
06:53So, uh, we need to prep Owens.
06:55Uh, let's get, uh...
06:56Hey!
06:57...on Mr. Clemente, and...
06:59Hey!
07:00I'm...
07:04I'm the proxy.
07:05Okay?
07:06And my friend, she needs her test done today.
07:08So...
07:09C-
07:09Because I'm the guy.
07:11So, can we...
07:13Can we just get her done?
07:16Okay?
07:19Stat!
07:22Okay.
07:23Uh, let's give her a bolus of midazolam,
07:25and we'll go combination endo.
07:27Yeah, bolus midazolam.
07:28Yes.
07:30You guys are doing great stuff.
07:45No, I was like, STAT!
07:46Whoa, whoa!
07:47Yeah.
07:47Wow.
07:48I just used the word.
07:48I was like, STAT!
07:49And then they just did what I said.
07:50Damn.
07:51I yelled at, like, a full-grown doctor, loud.
07:53I feel pretty crazy.
07:56I feel different.
07:58Yep.
07:59Look at you go!
08:01So, wait, so you got them to do the throat scope and the colonoscopy at the same time?
08:05Yeah.
08:05Yeah.
08:06You know, it's whatever.
08:09Yeah, like a spit roast.
08:12Like, Billie will have the tube in her mouth and then the tube up her bottom.
08:16No.
08:17No, it's not a spit roast.
08:19It's different.
08:21It's not that.
08:21How's it...
08:22How's it different?
08:23It's medicine.
08:24Right.
08:25It's a hospital.
08:26Totally.
08:27Yeah.
08:28What is it?
08:29Billie's phone.
08:30Oh, shit.
08:31Did her boss email?
08:31No, no, no.
08:32I've been refreshing.
08:33It's just a bunch of Dunkin' Rewards and Sims 4 receipts.
08:36You guys, she paid for the career pack.
08:39Do you know how sad this is?
08:40Ready?
08:41Yes!
08:41Eugene, we've been ready!
08:42Ready!
08:43Back up, back up!
08:43We've been waiting for you!
08:44Let's set!
08:45Go!
08:46Wait, wait, wait, wait!
08:47He's dead, Paul Baker!
08:49No, this is not good!
08:50He's tired of Paul!
08:53Sorry, if you could just walk around?
08:56Oh, thank you.
08:57No problem.
08:59Are you too?
09:01Is this a church?
09:03We're a non-denominational chapel, yes.
09:07So people can just, like, come in here and vent to you?
09:10Yes.
09:11Unfortunately, I have to go.
09:12I'm ministering last rites.
09:13Okay, yeah, totally.
09:14Get that.
09:15No rush at all.
09:16But how long does that normally take, just like a ballpark?
09:19Right.
09:20Let me ask.
09:21Do you belong to the faith, dear?
09:24Okay, so I would consider myself more spiritual,
09:26but I am afraid of Christian Howe because I did shrooms once and I went there.
09:32Oh, dear.
09:33I know.
09:34You know, there's one friend who always listens.
09:37Hi, non-denominational god.
09:44I guess I just wanted to say that I'm having, like, the worst time at this hospital today.
09:51And I know that sounds cringe because there are, like, cancer kids here.
09:56But I'm just, like, my friends just weren't taking me seriously.
10:01They don't trust me with their lives.
10:04They won't let Paul Baker move in, even though he is a sexually fluid delight.
10:09Like, it's like, you know what it is?
10:15It's like they want me around so I can fix their makeup or flash my tits at a rave so Samir's cousin can get in,
10:21but they don't actually, like, see me.
10:26When are they going to realize that I am more than my personality?
10:30Please, please, please, please, please, please stay with me.
10:36Stay with me!
10:41Clear!
10:46Was that too much?
10:47Too much? Who? You or me?
10:48Oh, my God, no, me. You were perfect.
10:50No, no, no. You were so dropped in.
10:51You were a great scene partner.
10:52Stop.
10:53Thank you, Cheryl. Good luck in court.
10:55Full custody.
10:57Dude, today has been so fun.
11:00Hospitals in Canada are never this cool.
11:03Neither are hospitals here.
11:04This is more a me thing.
11:05This is, like, what I bring to his face.
11:07Hi.
11:08Hi.
11:09How are my gays and bays?
11:11Again, babe, I'm cis.
11:13And again, you don't have to decide that now.
11:15Okay.
11:16Look at you.
11:17Someone took off her pissy pants.
11:19Yeah, well, I talked to an old friend.
11:22Okay, I'm going to go set up gauze ball.
11:24Okay, yeah, great.
11:27Hmm.
11:29Crazy thought.
11:30Huh?
11:31Should Paul Baker move in?
11:33Um, yes.
11:34I say that, like, every day.
11:37Yeah, totally.
11:38Great.
11:39Anton.
11:40Yeah?
11:40I literally say that, like, three times a day.
11:43No, I know.
11:44And I'm now agreeing with you.
11:46No, you're presenting it as if you've never heard it before.
11:48Okay, well, you say a lot of things.
11:50Okay, so I sort of scrub through them for words like danger, fire, Anton.
11:53Does literally no one listen when I talk?
11:55We're listening.
11:55Okay, Anton.
11:57Gauze ball is ready.
11:58Ah!
12:00Wait, do we need anything besides gauze?
12:02What the fuck is this day?
12:06What?
12:07Am I in Christian hell?
12:08I'm telling you.
12:13You just got to be up in their face around here.
12:16Like, if you want to be seen, you just make them see you.
12:19You know what I mean?
12:21Here, this thing, bro.
12:22Oh, your arm.
12:24Samir?
12:24Oh, it's like as soon as I sit down on this place.
12:29So your friend's endoscopy is wrapping up.
12:32Everything's fine.
12:33But the doctor wants to make sure that the bleeding isn't cervical in nature.
12:36So your friend should schedule another test in two months.
12:39Two months?
12:40Yes.
12:42Howard!
12:43Sir, we can't keep having you back here!
12:45What are we doing here?
12:45What am I hearing about a cervix?
12:47Excuse me.
12:48Hi.
12:49Hi.
12:49Your friend is fine.
12:50She can schedule that test for a few months from now.
12:52A few months from now.
12:53Hey, she might not have insurance in a few months.
12:55That's not very stat, Howard.
12:57Do you know who that is in there?
12:59That's Billy fucking Schaefer, okay?
13:01I'm aware of my patient's name.
13:04Howard.
13:06Man.
13:07I don't want to raise my voice again.
13:09There's all these people around.
13:11I don't want to be that guy.
13:12Your friend is going to be okay.
13:14Okay.
13:18Howard!
13:19Run the test!
13:22Run the test!
13:23Run the test!
13:24Trish?
13:24Trish!
13:25Prep the vaginoscopy.
13:26Prep it!
13:27Hey, so, uh, all three are just, they're going to be in there at the same time?
13:54These are the tests you ordered.
13:55Right, right.
13:57Can we take the first two out, or...?
13:59No.
14:00Medically speaking, it's best they kiss in the middle.
14:03What middle?
14:05Ready, mid, late.
14:07Oh.
14:08Oh.
14:10Hmm.
14:14Oh, no.
14:16Howard, I made a mistake.
14:18Howard, Howard, Howard.
14:19The proxy says stop.
14:24It's been a long walk.
14:26No offense.
14:27Hi, Bills.
14:28Hey, Billy.
14:29Hi.
14:30Hi.
14:30How are you?
14:31You look gorgeous.
14:33Quick, Samir, film this in case you say something good.
14:35What?
14:35No.
14:36I think Martin Luther King would have liked me.
14:39God damn it, Samir.
14:40Hey, Bills.
14:41You're all good, okay?
14:43All the tests came back normal.
14:46All the tests?
14:47Yeah, there were multiple tests.
14:51Yeah.
14:52They said you were just clenching, my love, so it was just a stress thing.
14:55Yeah, it's just a stress thing.
14:57And on the plus side, they said you have the tightest, cutest little asshole they've ever seen.
15:01So that is a win.
15:02They see a lot of assholes.
15:04So sit with that, seriously.
15:06Do work, Emu?
15:08Oh.
15:08Oh.
15:08No.
15:13Nope.
15:14Nothing has come in all day.
15:16I've been checking.
15:17Samir, can I talk to you for a second?
15:19Just over here would be great.
15:20I love you.
15:22I love you.
15:24No, it's not.
15:25It is.
15:25No, it's not.
15:26It is.
15:26No, what's it saying?
15:27I don't know.
15:28You look.
15:28You're the proxy.
15:29You're the guy.
15:29Come on.
15:30Take it.
15:31Feed it.
15:31Oh, what's wrong?
15:32No, no, no, please.
15:34Inappropriate behavior towards the supervisor.
15:36No.
15:37Contract terminated immediately.
15:38No.
15:39Mm-hmm.
15:40Yep.
15:42And then if I was a girl, it was going to be Sue Baker.
15:46How crazy.
15:47Okay, who's going to tell her?
15:48I don't know.
15:49I don't know.
15:49This is her worst nightmare.
15:50She's going to fucking birdman herself out the window.
15:53Birdman?
15:53I've never seen that.
15:54I've never seen that either.
15:55No, I've never seen it either.
15:56Ansel, can you just please tell her?
15:57What?
15:57No, she chose you and you loved stepping up.
15:59Just tell her quickly.
16:00I'm delegating and I need you to tell her.
16:01Delegating?
16:02Samir, it's time to...
16:03I'm at capacity.
16:03No.
16:04I told you I...
16:05Capacity to actually...
16:05I'll do it.
16:08I'll tell her because I am a serious person who can tell someone serious news.
16:16Okay?
16:17Yeah.
16:18Okay.
16:19Great.
16:19Oh, I hate when they have celebrities on Sesame Street.
16:26Totally.
16:26It's just not that close.
16:27Hey.
16:28Hey.
16:28Hi.
16:29Hi, Bill.
16:30Presenting my friends.
16:32Presenting me.
16:34Okay, so, um, quick update.
16:37Work did email.
16:38And you did get fired after all.
16:42I know.
16:44I know.
16:46And they are going to regret it so hard when you are up on stage, the first blonde president.
16:52Hey, but, hey, listen to me.
16:56I'm...
16:57I know it sucks.
16:59And I'm so, so sorry.
17:03Huh.
17:05Well, thanks for telling me, Ys.
17:09Um...
17:09Totally.
17:12Always.
17:13I love you.
17:15I love you.
17:16Who's the proxy now, bitch?
17:24Ugh.
17:26Wait, I just realized something.
17:28What?
17:30Papa John's rhymes with pizza.
17:32It's a play on words.
17:35Oh.
17:35She's still high.
17:36She's still high.
17:38Here you go.
17:39Let's drink that up.
17:40Okay.
17:40Ugh, I smell like a waiting room.
17:49Oh, no, I love it.
17:51You do?
17:51Yeah, you smell like Lysol in the human condition.
17:54Really?
17:57Samir, we should let him move in.
18:00Paul Baker?
18:01Yeah, he's sweet.
18:03In like a three-legged dog kind of way.
18:06Yeah.
18:07I mean, I'm done deciding stuff today.
18:09Great.
18:10We'll say it was Issa's idea.
18:11Okay.
18:12Let her have it.
18:13Mm-hmm.
18:19So, today was not my best.
18:21No.
18:22You?
18:24With the ass blood?
18:25I literally sent myself to the hospital because of a work email.
18:28Yeah.
18:28I mean, that is mortifying.
18:30It's not good.
18:31I'm done.
18:32I'm unclenching.
18:34Yeah?
18:35Yeah.
18:35I'm starting from scratch with a looser, freer asshole.
18:39I like that.
18:40You should get t-shirts made.
18:42It's quite profound.
18:43It's really nice.
18:44Okay.
18:45You want to come up?
18:46I can carry you.
18:47No.
18:47I'm going to crash down here and finish my toast.
18:50Okay.
18:51You got this, Bills?
18:52Yeah.
18:53Who needs a job?
18:54Yeah.
18:56Fuck it.
18:56Who needs health insurance?
18:57Not me.
18:58I didn't have any anyway.
18:59What?
19:03Yeah.
19:03I was a contractor.
19:04You think that job would give me health insurance?
19:12What?
19:15Why do I have a hospital bill for $15,000?
19:17Um, they said that it was best if they kiss in the middle.
19:27Okay, so I...
19:28You talk too fast.
19:40Your friends are talking over you.
19:42I'm here, but does anybody hear me?
19:46It's getting hot.
19:48My guys are melting and we're angry about it.
19:51We're not crazy about the weather, so while I fake it, then I'm gonna shake it down to your throat
19:59Till I'm stuck and you're choking now
20:02You're moving, yes, I got you moving cause you're scared now
20:07You should be scared now
20:09Haha, good a business.
20:21Later, I'll see you later
20:22Bye.
20:23Bye.
20:24Bye.
20:29Bye.