Adults (2025) S01E0 4 House Rules
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00:00I'm missing better values
00:09I'm missing better values
00:15I'll stay up tonight
00:21When we get out of our land
00:24We're gonna fight for you
00:30You flossing to me?
00:34Hey, you flossing to me?
00:37I don't want to hear you.
00:39Oh, God.
00:44Okay.
00:45Guys, no.
00:49House rules!
00:52It's a tradition, you'll see.
00:54Upstairs, now, let's go.
00:56Oh, my God, thank you so much.
01:00Strong board this year, guys.
01:04Wait, where is the model you're looking at?
01:06Okay, wait, mix, mix, mix, mix.
01:08Homeowner goes first.
01:09What's happening?
01:11Paul Baker.
01:13The first rule.
01:14Can't believe I have to say this, but...
01:16No fucking on the couch.
01:18Yes, but no.
01:20Okay, thematically similar.
01:22Stop leaving condoms in the toilet.
01:23Copy that.
01:24And in the shower.
01:25That's on me.
01:25And in the sink that one time.
01:26My bad, big bro.
01:27See, I told you we have to stop using protection.
01:30No.
01:30Issa.
01:30Huh?
01:31So ruled?
01:31So ruled!
01:32So ruled!
01:33And then you drink from the spring scene on Broadway, Mark,
01:37which is the most sacred drinking vessel in the house.
01:40Drink up.
01:40Go, go, go!
01:41Oh, it's Mad Men.
01:42Woo!
01:43Okay, who's next?
01:44Issa.
01:45Me!
01:45Issa.
01:47Lots of options here.
01:48Um, opening it up to the floor under Article 3-6.
01:51Oh, I know.
01:52She's got to stop saying the F-slur.
01:53I'm allowed to say that.
01:54No, I grandfathered her answer.
01:56Oh, she has to admit her parents are rich?
01:57They're upper-middle class.
01:58I cannot have this fight again.
02:00Okay, well, then she has to let us track her.
02:01Oh, yeah, guys, please.
02:03I keep losing her in multi-floor Zara.
02:04Okay, totally.
02:05You guys can track me right now.
02:07I just have...
02:07Wait, where is my phone?
02:08Okay, so we will track her with an air tag.
02:11Wait, what?
02:11So ruled?
02:12So ruled!
02:14Bruiser!
02:14Atta girl!
02:15Here we go.
02:18And...
02:18Yes, okay, yeah.
02:20You have to break your dry spell.
02:22Yeah.
02:22Fuck off.
02:24Because you're getting kind of snippy.
02:26Fuck off, girl.
02:28And also, your standards are impossibly high.
02:31Okay, smart, kind, so gay that it turns a corner and becomes straight again.
02:35What is the problem with that?
02:37Anton, so ruled.
02:39So ruled.
02:40Fine.
02:40I'm horny.
02:43How'd they go?
02:44Okay, Sumir.
02:46I know, I know.
02:47We don't have to do the whole thing for me, because I already know I got a good job.
02:50Get a job!
02:51I got a good job, yeah.
02:55Billy?
02:56Yes?
02:57You must stop visiting your old high school.
02:59Give me the gavel.
03:00No.
03:00No, no more check-ins.
03:02No more knock-knocks.
03:04What even is a knock-knock?
03:05Knock-knock.
03:06Just in the area.
03:07Hi.
03:08It's strange, love.
03:09If I stop going, they'll think I've died.
03:11That's okay.
03:12Okay, so ruled?
03:13So ruled!
03:16Starting now.
03:20You got this, Bills.
03:21No more knock-knocks.
03:23No more...
03:24Knock-knock!
03:26Hey, Billy Schaefer.
03:27How the hell are you?
03:29Yeah, good.
03:29Just in the neighborhood.
03:30Thought I'd, uh, swing by.
03:32Yeah, please, come on in.
03:33Oh, my God, I'd be honored.
03:35Hey, guys, this is...
03:36Hey, uh, Kelsey.
03:37Headphones.
03:38Guys, this is Billy.
03:40Billy is, no joke, one of Garfield's best and brightest alumni.
03:44We had these desks.
03:45In fact, actually, Billy here was editor-in-chief of the paper for three years, wasn't he?
03:50Three years, yeah.
03:50Wow.
03:51Three years.
03:52God, best years of my life.
03:54So, um, she pretty much taught me how to do my job.
03:57Oh, my God, stop.
03:58How have you been?
03:59How's, uh, how's, uh, the big bad world?
04:01Everything is great.
04:02Um, everything is going according to plan.
04:06So...
04:06Great.
04:07Good for you.
04:07I mean, I was going to head out, but...
04:11I mean, if you guys have any questions, I mean...
04:15No, not if you're on your way out.
04:16You go.
04:16We're fine.
04:17I mean, I have a minute.
04:18Okay.
04:19I have a minute, yeah.
04:20Okay, okay, yeah, that'd be great.
04:21We would love it.
04:21We'll take it.
04:22Guys.
04:22Hit me with your best shot.
04:26We're on a deadline.
04:27Oh, Kelsey, that's a little rude, okay?
04:30So we're going to call that strike one for the day.
04:32All right?
04:32Yeah.
04:33Josh.
04:34Hi, Josh Rappaport.
04:35Do you have any tips for interviewing people?
04:37Do I have tips?
04:39Yeah.
04:39Yeah, I have tips.
04:41So, sophomore year, I taught myself shorthand.
04:45That's right.
04:46Google hot to jot, Cheryl Koenig, game changer.
04:50Yes, over here, question.
04:52Um, didn't you stop by my Spanish class last week?
04:56Oh, yeah.
04:56Yeah, you were there last week.
04:57I remember seeing you.
04:58No, I don't think I did.
05:04Did I?
05:05I don't know.
05:05Yeah, you asked if we were up to vosotros.
05:09I don't think that that was me.
05:11Do we have any other questions?
05:12Yes.
05:13Uh, yeah.
05:14Why do you care if we're up to vosotros?
05:16No, you know what?
05:16Why don't we keep it on track, shall we?
05:18Avery's right.
05:19She's here a lot.
05:19It's weird.
05:21Okay, so that feels like strike two.
05:23Why?
05:23Why?
05:23How is Rachel Sheffield always on a fucking cruise?
05:34I got an interview.
05:36What?
05:37I got an interview, like, at a company.
05:40No, I can't hear you.
05:41I have an interview at a company.
05:43Like, a fintech company.
05:45Wait, what?
05:46That's amazing.
05:48I know.
05:49Picture me, fintech.
05:51Can you see it?
05:52Mm-hmm.
05:52I'm at a desk.
05:53Bunch of staplers.
05:54Little ones, big ones.
05:55Staple remover as well.
05:57Of course.
05:57I'm sitting there.
05:58Hi, I'm Samir.
06:00I work at fintech.
06:01My voice is different?
06:02It's in fintech.
06:03But yes, I fully pictured it.
06:05Wow.
06:05And it's great.
06:06Okay.
06:08This is crazy.
06:09Just gotta look up what the fin means.
06:13Look that up.
06:14So now it's between Abby P and Abby F for the lead of Popcorn Force the Musical.
06:18But it's just like, Abby F's parents are in a commune.
06:20She isn't well.
06:21And done.
06:22You are officially air tagged.
06:24I love it.
06:25Wait, it's actually so chic.
06:26Should we take it for a test drive?
06:27Yeah.
06:28Go to Sephora, somewhere scary.
06:29Oh my God, I love how you're speaking.
06:31That sounds so fun.
06:33I love it.
06:34What?
06:35Oh my God, look.
06:36Do we know?
06:37No, but that's like literally Anton's type.
06:39No, he's with a girl though.
06:41Well, I started to like notice people again.
06:43And it's the first time since Michael that I feel like I'm ready to get back out.
06:46He's gay, he's gay, he's gay.
06:47He's gay, he's gay.
06:48And this is why I'm like, everyone should be in therapy.
06:51Ugh, I know.
06:53Wait, are you still coming?
06:54What'd you say?
06:55Ugh, I can't tomorrow.
06:56I'm doing that park cleanup.
06:57How about?
06:58Yeah, you know.
06:59Hey, do you want to walk with these?
07:00Oh, shit, they're leaving.
07:01It's so boring.
07:02Wait, wait, wait, what do we do?
07:04No worries.
07:06Don't, don't, don't.
07:08No, you did not.
07:09You did not have to.
07:10I really did.
07:10We are in a post-de-blasio, pre-Avatar 3 moment.
07:13We have to live.
07:14What's that have to do with this?
07:15No, look at me.
07:16Okay.
07:16We have to live.
07:17It's like a hundred bucks.
07:20Okay, the mailbox is so full, you guys.
07:22We actually have to think about opening that soon.
07:24Welcome.
07:25We've been waiting.
07:26Whatever it is, no, I have work.
07:28No, no, no, no, so do we.
07:29We have been working to break your dry spell, actually.
07:32Allow me to explain.
07:34Okay, see me at a coffee shop outside.
07:37I'm wearing this gorgeous burgundy camisole and my nipples look great.
07:39Oh, you took the air tag that we all chipped in on for your house rule,
07:42and you put it on a random guy that you profiled as gay.
07:44Or buy.
07:45No, he was definitely gay, but yes.
07:46Okay, I have to work.
07:48No, no, Anton, please sit down, please.
07:50We've been working on this all morning.
07:51Just five minutes.
07:53So, now, look.
07:54Anton, full commit said.
07:58Okay, look at me.
07:59Now look at Paul Baker.
08:01Now tell him he's cute.
08:02You're cute.
08:02Okay, look at that dot.
08:05We saw that dot.
08:06We heard that dot's voice.
08:08We saw that dot's bicep ripple in the sun as he drank his dirty little slutty little chai.
08:13So slutty.
08:14I am telling you with full confidence, this dot could be more than just your first fuck in eight months.
08:20This dot could be the love of your life.
08:24The love of your life.
08:29I've always wanted to read her.
08:31Take it.
08:31For real, take it.
08:32Your love, Elena Ferrante.
08:39You don't have to walk me out.
08:41Oh, please.
08:42At least I could do.
08:44Hey, sorry about the kids.
08:45Yeah.
08:45They're real shits this year.
08:47They really are.
08:48Well, come back next year.
08:49All the COVID ones are graduating, so.
08:51Yeah, thanks.
08:52But this is kind of my farewell tour.
08:54Oh.
08:54Yeah, and not in the Elton way, where I keep coming back, but in, like, a Bowie way, where I die at the end.
09:02Oh, whoa.
09:03Who do we have here?
09:05The myth, the legend.
09:07Billy?
09:21You okay, Billy?
09:24Billy, you okay?
09:25Yeah.
09:26Oh, gosh.
09:26What can I...
09:27Would you like some water or something?
09:29No.
09:29I'll take it down.
09:30Oh, don't take it down.
09:31Okay, I'll leave you there.
09:33Um...
09:34Do you...
09:34Do you want to gossip?
09:36Teacher gossip?
09:36Madame de Bro's been embezzling from the French club.
09:41But then how will they go to Quebec?
09:45Um...
09:46Do you want to help me grade some essays?
09:52Yeah, I think I'd like that.
09:53Great.
09:54Oh, Dot's leaving the Whitney.
09:56Oh, and you know he was there for the art, too.
09:58Like, that was way too long for just a status tote.
10:00Oh, my God.
10:01Wow, Dot's flying down 9th Avenue.
10:03Wow, Dot's in incredible shape.
10:05Anton!
10:05Okay, can you guys do this in truly any other part of the house?
10:09I have to go off mute in a second and say, uh-huh, or else I get an email.
10:12Yeah, I'm going to go prep for my interview upstairs.
10:14It's the one for fintech.
10:15And fin stands for financial.
10:17Just so we're all aware.
10:19Totally.
10:20See, some people have actual work instead of wasting the day stalking a gay stranger.
10:26Good!
10:26Dot's at Cafe Corinne!
10:28Is that good or is that bad?
10:29That's amazing.
10:29That's like Anton's favorite restaurant.
10:31It's like dim lighting, long communal sinks, amazing soap.
10:34Good luck, Dot.
10:35You're going to have to wait in line for like an hour.
10:38Oh, my God.
10:40Wait, Dot's getting in.
10:41Oh, he must have a connection.
10:42Anton?
10:44Anton?
10:45Uh-huh.
10:46Great.
10:46And we'll-
10:47Who is this perfect man?
10:49Yeah, so obviously it's a new space for me, fintech, but I am a quick learner and I've
10:58been brushing up on Python since college.
11:00Okay, very nice.
11:02So, yeah, it'll be a jump, but like Harrison Ford started as a carpenter, right?
11:08Yeah.
11:08That's good.
11:10Well, look, Samir, we're building this team out fast and I think I speak for all of us
11:15when I say we love you in the role as APM.
11:18Oh.
11:18So, uh, yeah, let's do it.
11:20What?
11:21Yeah?
11:22Yes.
11:23Like, that's it?
11:25That's it.
11:26You got the job, Samir.
11:28Woo!
11:28Wow.
11:29Yeah, that's great.
11:30No, that's great.
11:31Wow.
11:31Yeah.
11:32Wow.
11:32Oh, come on, that's it.
11:34Thank you, guys.
11:35We just said you got the job.
11:37You can celebrate.
11:38Come on.
11:38The interview's over.
11:40Okay, yeah, yeah.
11:41The job is yours.
11:42You got this.
11:42I mean, yeah.
11:43It's exciting.
11:44Woo!
11:45Celebrate a little.
11:46Oh, man.
11:47Yeah, there we go.
11:48Good job.
11:50Uh-oh.
11:51Watch out.
11:54Hey, it's gone.
11:55Ow, ow.
11:58Ah.
11:58I think I might have you guys on mute.
12:10So how does it work, uh, with vacation days?
12:13Okay, wait.
12:17I think this is AI.
12:19Yes.
12:20I mean, they're all AI, but just how good is the AI that I'm grading?
12:24So, any chance you want to tell me what's going on with you?
12:32I just lost my job, so...
12:37Fuck, Billy, I'm sorry.
12:41I did have a hunch.
12:43Well, you know, with all the knock-knocks.
12:48That's...
12:49I mean, no, I...
12:50I mean, I've been trying, you know?
12:53Pretending like it doesn't bother me, and trying to lean into it, and telling myself that it's
12:58like this great opportunity to rebrand, but it's not, you know?
13:03Like, I'm 24, I'm unemployed, I'm about to be priced out of blonde, and now, on top of
13:09that, I'm in 15 grand of medical debt because of some hospital bill, thank you, and it's
13:13like, I don't know, maybe that's just what happens.
13:16Maybe that's what life is.
13:18You go from being all gold stars and potential to just some bitch who peaked in high school.
13:24Look, hey, I've seen peaked in high school, all right?
13:29Max Rappaport.
13:30He's so bald now.
13:31I know.
13:33I'm not worried about you.
13:36Whatever you're going through, you will get through.
13:39You will.
13:41Yeah, I hope so.
13:43You will.
13:44You just have to, you know, take it one step at a time.
13:47Okay, like, for example, what did the hospital say when you called them about the bill?
13:53You can call them.
13:55Oh.
13:56I feel like Dot's an uncle.
13:58But, like, he's not annoying about it.
14:00Like, he just, like, loves his nephews.
14:01Yes.
14:01And I feel like Dot has, like, a toolbox, but all the tools are actually, like, clicked
14:06in their place.
14:07Oh, 100%.
14:08Yep.
14:09Oh, okay, question for the group.
14:10Do we think Dot has a dick or a cock?
14:14Oh, interesting.
14:15Yeah, because, you know, some guys have dicks and then some guys have, like, cocks.
14:17I feel like Dot has, like, a schlong.
14:19Yeah.
14:19You know, like, it's, like, it's, like, heavy.
14:21Yeah.
14:22I feel like Mind Wipe.
14:24Oh, yeah.
14:24Um, I feel like it's been hard to break my dry spell or whatever because I, like, hate
14:29a random hookup.
14:30Mm-hmm.
14:30But obviously if it's not random, then it feels like it means something.
14:34And then if it, like, means something, then I could get Jacobed again.
14:37Anton's ex broke Anton's heart.
14:39Dead to us.
14:41Amazing shoulders, though.
14:42It is.
14:42Sorry.
14:43I mean, I can't avoid it forever, obviously.
14:45I just...
14:45Yeah.
14:46Hmm.
14:48Okay, you guys, I called Mind Wipe.
14:50Oh, totally.
14:50Yeah.
14:51Sorry.
14:51Oh, my God, Samir, how'd it go?
14:55Uh, I got the job.
14:57What?
14:57Yay!
14:58And then, uh, and then I mooned them.
15:00Oh.
15:02Then I lost the job.
15:04What?
15:05So.
15:07Yeah.
15:13So...
15:13Maybe I'm a socialist.
15:16Oh, no, Sammy.
15:18Dude, you gotta...
15:19You can't let all that with the...
15:21With the haters and get the...
15:23Oh, my God, Dot's home.
15:24What?
15:24Dot's home.
15:24Google that building.
15:25Google it.
15:26Oh, my God.
15:26E79, baby.
15:27E79.
15:28Oh, it's a doorman building.
15:29Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.
15:31The start of my life has begun, my love.
15:32This is the start of my life.
15:37So I have the itemized bill in front of me,
15:39and I did get, um...
15:41Yeah, all three of those scopes done.
15:43But you're looking at the procedure calculator online.
15:45And, um, I'm on the hospital website,
15:47and the procedure calculator is showing, um,
15:49a much lower price.
15:51Yeah, I'm looking at $1,700 for an endoscopy.
15:54And a thousand for a colonoscopy.
15:56And more like a thousand for a colonoscopy.
15:58Now ask about the hardship payment plan.
16:00And let me ask you something, Cindy.
16:01Do you have a, um, a hardship payment plan?
16:04Mm-hmm.
16:05Because I, uh...
16:06I just got fired, so...
16:09Yes.
16:09Wait, really?
16:13$2,200.
16:14No, take it, take it.
16:15And that's over six months.
16:18Yes!
16:19Yeah!
16:19Oh, my God, yeah!
16:20I can, I can...
16:21I can figure that out, I think.
16:24Yes, thank you, Cindy.
16:26Thank you so much.
16:27Okay, bye.
16:30Holy shit!
16:32Oh, my God!
16:33Hey, you were amazing!
16:35You were amazing!
16:36Oh, my God!
16:37Okay, $2,200 is still a lot of money.
16:39We'll figure that out.
16:39But, oh, my God!
16:41How did you figure out how to do that?
16:42Because there's a lot of years between $24 and $42.
16:45Plus, I once paid $10,000 for an MRI, so...
16:47Hey, wait till I get my hands on your resume.
16:53Oh.
16:55Oh!
16:55Uh, I don't know that we should do this in here.
17:00Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:05No, no, no, leave him, leave him.
17:09I'll give him all B's.
17:16Wait, I feel insane right now.
17:18If Dot's job transfers him to London,
17:19you are not going with him.
17:21Okay, I'm just saying, maybe I do go with him.
17:23And I'm just saying, where the fuck do I live?
17:25Well, we can't have a dedicated room for you in the flat.
17:28That's something we cannot do.
17:29Okay, then find a bigger house.
17:30I don't understand.
17:31Finder's fee, I got you guys together.
17:33Finder's fee?
17:33How much do I owe you?
17:35I'll pay you.
17:36Hey, man.
17:36Uh, ID?
17:37Oh, yeah.
17:38Come on in.
17:42What are you washing?
17:43This, uh, squirrel is water skiing.
17:49Hey, what's the interview like for this?
17:51For what?
17:52For doing deliveries?
17:54Yeah.
17:54Just sign up.
18:03If anything, I can move in as godmother after you guys have kids.
18:05I mean, that'll be soon.
18:06Okay.
18:07I'm just being honest.
18:07Oh, shit.
18:07Whoa.
18:08What?
18:09Dot's in Queens.
18:10That's Harold's pub.
18:11Oh, my God.
18:12That's, like, two minutes away.
18:14What?
18:15What?
18:15Go to him.
18:16Go to him.
18:17Come on, Anton.
18:18This is destiny.
18:18This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
18:20This is a love for you.
18:21Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
18:22I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
18:23Yeah?
18:24I'll go.
18:24Yes, I'm going.
18:25Okay, I'm going to get the coats.
18:26I'm going.
18:27You're going to meet your first time.
18:28Oh, my God.
18:28What is happening?
18:30So, I obviously love you in a structured shoulder, but this one makes you look like Casablanca.
18:35Never seen it.
18:36Yeah, me either.
18:37Okay, that one.
18:37Okay.
18:39Oh, my God.
18:41Okay.
18:41Oh, my goodness.
18:42I'm going to go meet Dot.
18:42You're going to meet Dot.
18:43I'm going to be face to face with Dot.
18:44With the love of your life.
18:45Oh, my God.
18:47Deep breath.
18:48Deep breath.
18:50Hey.
18:51Go fuck his friends out, crazy girl.
18:57There he goes.
19:01We did it.
19:02You build me up.
19:03You break me down.
19:07Hear me whisper to myself.
19:10It's just a face.
19:12Just a face.
19:13Just another day.
19:14What is it?
19:16What is it?
19:17What is it?
19:19My face.
19:20You brought me up.
19:22Shit.
19:32Shit.
19:37again with this fucking cruise oh that picture's good you think so yeah that's really good that's
19:57like a guy you trust with your food yeah totally he's not gonna have a fry what's going on samir
20:02got a job no i i mooned them it was crazy but i am officially but but but terms and conditions
20:12better being better boom i'm doing deliveries
20:14we're so proud of you sammy oh my god
20:24wait so what did you wait what's in your hair you have something in your like yeah you have something
20:39nothing
20:49those schoolgirl days
20:53of tanning tails and fighting nails are gone
21:01if you wanted the sky i would walk across the sky
21:07and let's go a thousand feet high to serve with love
21:17if you wanted the sky i would walk across the sky and let's go a thousand feet high to serve with love
21:34haha good a business