#CinemaJourney
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#Guy
#Family
#Guy
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:17Lucky is a man who finds a hidden attention
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:24He's a family guy
00:30Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
00:37It was fine, but we had a substitute bully today
00:40And he was doing it wrong
00:41Okay, it says tape sign on back
00:43Is that your back? My back?
00:45I gotta be honest, I only got called in like 45 minutes ago
00:48Just pinch my nipples and get out of here
00:51Oh, we also need you to sign these permission slips
00:53We're taking a school field trip to Washington, D.C.
00:55Sounds great, bring him over here
00:57And I'll give you my John Hancock
00:58Who's that?
00:59I'm sorry, I mean my Lane Bryant
01:01Well, just say that then
01:08Big day, gentlemen
01:09It's the one day a year Peter eats a salad
01:12Poor bastard
01:13No one should have to go through that hell
01:15Well, he made a promise to Lois
01:17It was actually in their wedding vows
01:19Alright, let's get this over with
01:21I brought the whitest looking lettuce from McDonald's I could find
01:24I'm hoping it has McNugget smell accidentally on it
01:27I brought today's newspaper like yeah, so you'd have proof of salad
01:30Got it
01:32I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife
01:42And inside this local tavern a portly gentleman has just consumed his annual salad
01:59I'm Garrison Keillor
02:01I was me too'd for quaintly groping
02:03So now I'm doing this
02:05So Chris, Meg, you guys excited for your big trip to Washington D.C.
02:13Yeah, the cool kids are bringing a candy colored version of whatever drug the media's most freaking parents out about
02:19What?
02:20Relax mom, we're being supervised by public school employees who themselves are battling their own crippling addictions
02:26Peter, are you hearing this?
02:28I'm not, I'm chewing Cap'n Crunch, I can't hear anything
02:31I just worry, but I guess that's what moms do
02:36Well, that and give you a recap of everyone who's died that you don't know
02:40You know Leonard died
02:42Who?
02:43Leonard
02:44Okay
02:45Estelle's pretty upset and right on the heels of Abner
02:48Uh-huh
02:49You should probably call Edith, I'll give you Alfred's number
02:53Who the hell are these people? Is this just an excuse to say old people's names?
02:59Vivian
03:10What's the matter? You look upset
03:28Eh, it's just Joe's been pretty stingy with his ha-has over text
03:32I think you're probably reading into that
03:34Seriously, Cleveland sends some lame crap and Joe ha-has it
03:38I send a photo of me hanging a foreclosure notice over a toilet
03:41Nothing
03:42I'm telling you, he never laughs at anything of mine
03:44They must have given you one at some point
03:46I mean, sure, at some point
03:4812 or 12
03:49A continuance Getting a photo of now
03:51If you wanna learn Can you give me an e-mail?
03:52Um, you probably do listen
03:53Where can you grab a photo of me?
03:54I seem to probablyance text
04:07Not to you, I say, I DON'Tolin him
04:09I just want to see her
04:11Maybe I don't recommend
04:13What are the feelings
04:13I think you'll help for the whole place
04:15I don't believe
04:16Oh my God, he's literally never given me one! Joe doesn't think I'm funny? Oh, thank God you're here. You know funny when you hear it. Hey, ostrich, did you hear that crazy story about the monkey's favorite food? It's bananas!
04:32Hmm.
04:37Hey, gang. I know you're not used to seeing your teachers in shorts, so let's get it all out of the way.
04:42They're just legs, guys. Oh, one more thing. We do have a surprise chaperone for this trip. Everyone say hi to Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.
04:54What? What? Did somebody say cool mom with an Activia fanny pack? They give you a free one if you send in enough lids. I've got two fanny packs and a very healthy colon.
05:04Our chaperone is mom?
05:07You're lucky. My mother died last year after a long illness.
05:10You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!
05:19Mom, what the hell are you doing here?
05:22Are you trying to kill our reputation?
05:24Oh, relax, you two. I'm gonna be the cool mom, huh? I may even have the kids call me Mrs. G.
05:31Mrs. G. Can you imagine? Just like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life?
05:35Nobody knows who that is.
05:38Come on, Tootie, Blair, Joe.
05:40Bitch, what you talking about?
05:42Just settle down, you guys. I promise I won't embarrass you.
05:45Okay, everyone. I've got candy.
05:48Everybody reach in, but just take one.
05:51Fanny candy? Fanny candy? Fanny candy?
05:55Oh, my God. This is terrible.
05:57This is more embarrassing than when I tried to return that real doll.
06:00Uh, yes, hello. I would like to return my real doll.
06:05Okay, and what condition is the doll in?
06:08Um, let's say fair.
06:11Any visible marks?
06:12Some light choking?
06:13We can take the doll back if there are choke marks on it.
06:16Oh, no, no, no. The choke marks are on me, and in her defense, I did have it coming.
06:21Actually, I don't want to return the real doll. This is just part of the dance.
06:24Oh, no. I didn't realize you were there the whole time. I hope I'm not in for some light choking.
06:34Why do you even care if Joe's never laughed at one of your texts?
06:38Brian, I know it seems like I have it all, but even I, a man with 15 Halloween masks, have my struggles with insecurity.
06:46So, what are you gonna do?
06:47I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.
06:50From this day forward, I will never laugh at another one of Joe's texts.
06:54His mind just works in a different way than mine.
07:04Oh, no. Accidental heart. Accidental heart. Quick, replace it with a ha-ha.
07:07Phew. That was close. I was almost gay.
07:11Huh. Peter just came out of the closet.
07:13Oh, no, he didn't.
07:15The heart emoji. Careful, straight dudes.
07:17Ah, look at us. Different generations enjoying a fancy resort.
07:27Mom, don't please.
07:28Quiet, Meg. So, I saw a really funny TikTok. Do you know that one?
07:33You're gonna have to be more specific. Which one?
07:36Uh-uh. There's more than one?
07:37Why is everyone leaving?
07:40Because you're lame and we don't want to be with you.
07:42Come on, guys. Let's go watch CNBC in the lobby.
07:45Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.
07:46God, those kids are a nightmare. They're just so mean.
08:01Just be thankful this isn't your entire life.
08:03You get to go home at the end of all of this to a family and someone you love.
08:08Oh, come on. I'm sure there's someone special in your life.
08:11You know, there was someone a long time ago.
08:17It was 1993 and I was folding clothes at a structure.
08:21Everyone was back then.
08:23Then I saw her.
08:25Shelly Barnes.
08:27Boy, was she something.
08:29Tall, tan.
08:31She was more scrunchy than woman.
08:36We wanted the dream.
08:38Our own Taco Bell franchise.
08:40But then it happened.
08:43The one thing you never want to hear.
08:45Hey, John.
08:46I was just thinking, what if we open a Taco Bell slash Pizza Hut?
08:55The psychic who told me to do this never said anything about Pizza Hut.
09:00I was young and bullheaded.
09:02I had these ideas of what fast food should be.
09:05The worst part was when I told her the bad news,
09:08she threw my retainer right in the bushes.
09:09I looked for a little bit, but eventually I just said, eh, screw it.
09:13Anyway, that one argument consumed us.
09:17Never saw Shelly again.
09:19I'm so sorry to hear all that, Principal Shepard.
09:21Whew, what a day.
09:24I need a drink.
09:25Jack on the rocks?
09:26No, in the toilet.
09:28But I'll have that drink now.
09:33Hey, Joe.
09:34You know, you might want to contact your cell carrier,
09:36because all your ha-has are coming through as thumbs up lately.
09:39Oh, boy.
09:40What's, uh...
09:41What's going on with you never laughing at any of my texts?
09:43Peter, maybe now's not the time.
09:45No, no, no.
09:46Tell me.
09:46What is it?
09:47Honestly, nothing.
09:48I just don't always think you're all that funny.
09:51Oh.
09:53Wow.
09:54Uh, okay, wow.
09:56Look, if I want someone to burp the national anthem,
09:59there is no second call.
10:00It's you or nobody.
10:01Thank you, Joe.
10:03Thank you for saying that.
10:04But when it comes to laughs, you're just not my cup of tea.
10:07Hell, I've never even seen Austin Powers.
10:09Oh, well, there you go.
10:10All right, fellas, I gotta run.
10:11Look, this doesn't change anything, Peter.
10:13You're my friend.
10:15No hard feelings.
10:16Oh, yeah, no hard feelings.
10:18Like you dink?
10:20I'll see you around, Peter.
10:22I'll tell you what.
10:23I'm gonna get a laugh from him.
10:24Hmm.
10:25I'm not sure about that.
10:27Seems like he's preyed on this one.
10:29Well, I'm gonna give it the old college try.
10:31Are you gonna go to class?
10:33No.
10:33Ah, there you are.
10:39You're not gonna believe this.
10:40Did they get the blood out of the ice machine?
10:42No, I found your ex on Facebook.
10:44What?
10:45Shelly Barnes.
10:46She lives only like 30 miles from here.
10:49Hmm.
10:49Is 30 miles enough time for me to get totally jacked before I see her?
10:53Sure, you can do push-ups in the bus aisle.
10:55Let's go find her.
10:59Hey, hey, listen up.
11:00Has anyone seen Principal Shepard?
11:02He said he had to go to the men's room, and then he just disappeared.
11:05Yeah, I'm not sure.
11:06I think we're all just kind of finger-blasting anything that moves back here.
11:10I'll be right back.
11:12Excuse me, have you seen a heavyset, middle-aged man?
11:15Kind of sad-looking?
11:17Hmm.
11:22Ow.
11:23Hey, you know, there was a guy that left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.
11:26He got the number from a magazine he had in his pocket.
11:29I've never seen such stretched-out pockets on a sport coat before.
11:32Oh, my God, that's him.
11:33Principal Shepard must have run away.
11:35Do you have any security footage from the lobby?
11:38Sorry.
11:38The only video we have is from the karaoke lounge.
11:41He killed Sublime, by the way.
11:43I don't practice Santeria.
11:46I ain't got no crystal ball.
11:48Well, I had a million dollars, but...
11:51Don't take those fries.
11:52I'm not done.
11:53I'd spend it all if I could find...
11:55I lost my place.
11:58Start it over from the top, Gene.
11:59Wash it, me!
12:04All hail the new season of Crapopolis.
12:06The offerings are pouring in.
12:08Someone even gave me a baby.
12:10All new, tonight on Punks.
12:15Okay, guys.
12:16Principal Shepard is gone.
12:18Did you check the karaoke lounge?
12:20He got in a huge fight with that Gene guy.
12:22Look, I know you think adults are lame.
12:24They were just big bags of crap that drink coffee, but we are people, too.
12:27Most of the things you think are important now aren't.
12:31Looks fade, waists expand, chins double, and dreams die.
12:35And one day, one day you're gonna wish that a bus full of punk kids would come along and
12:39help you when you need it most.
12:41Now, that man is scared and alone, and he needs us right now.
12:44Now, who's with me?
12:46Me!
12:50Wait a minute.
12:51If Principal Shepard's gone, who's gonna drive the bus?
12:54Me!
12:57Someone say something about a bus driver?
13:01I still need six hours of supervised road time for my B-class license, but I'm pretty
13:05sure I can handle this bad boy.
13:07Meg, let's go find our Principal.
13:10Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.
13:20I got some, but I think the troublemaker's still in there.
13:26Can someone please turn on the always 1978 bus radio?
13:29It's not my fault!
13:42It's a ballad!
13:4397.1 WBUS, songs you can't poop over on a bus.
13:48Soft stool in our way through the 70s.
13:50I love you.
13:55I honestly love you.
13:58Yeah!
14:00Change the damn station!
14:06Whoa, whoa, where you going?
14:08I've had it, Brian.
14:09I am getting a ha-ha from Joe if it's the last thing I do.
14:12And how are you planning to do this?
14:13I'm going to send a funny text and then sneak over to Joe's and ha-ha it.
14:17Okay, but why are you wearing all black?
14:19So no one will see me.
14:25Why the hell are you wearing all black?
14:27Why the hell are you wearing a lady's ball gown?
14:29Okay, let's just both resume whatever it is we were doing.
14:43Why the hell are you wearing all black?
14:48What's up, Joe?
14:51What's up, Joe?
14:52What's up, Joe?
14:53What's up, Joe?
14:55What's up, Joe?
14:57What's up, Joe?
15:03What's up, Joe?
15:09Oh, shit!
15:10Who's there?
15:19Don't struggle, it only makes it tighter.
15:33Peter, what the hell is going on here?
15:36Joe, Joe, are you okay?
15:38Yeah, I'm fine, bun.
15:41Oh.
15:45We looked all night and there's no sign of Principal Shepard anywhere.
15:49Oh my God, of course, stop the bus, Meg.
15:52Look!
15:54Gotcha.
16:00I thought I might find you here.
16:02Mrs. Griffin, I, uh...
16:04Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
16:06I shouldn't have inserted myself into your personal life.
16:09That was wrong of me.
16:11I know you just wanted to help.
16:12I just...
16:13I just panicked.
16:14I got so scared of her seeing me now and thinking that I'm this big loser.
16:18Hey, you are not a loser.
16:20May I remind you, I wear Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.
16:24Uh, you are not a loser.
16:28Hmm.
16:39Mrs. Griffin, you'll care one more chance.
16:42Well, Mr. Griffin, the surgery went according to plan.
16:49Great.
16:49Thank you, Dr. Hatman.
16:50And I didn't know how to categorize your injuries on the insurance form, so I just put gaze stabbing.
16:55Oh.
16:55Okay?
16:56Uh, uh, who else, who else sees that?
16:58Oh, almost, almost nobody.
16:59It's just for, like, file keeping record stuff.
17:02Ding!
17:03Ding!
17:03Ding!
17:03Ding!
17:07Ding!
17:08Ding!
17:13Ding!
17:18Ding!
17:22Ding!
17:25Go get him.
17:54Shelly?
17:54Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepard.
17:57Listen, John, I think maybe...
17:59Hang on, hang on.
17:59Just, just let me say what I want to say.
18:01God, you look great.
18:03Listen, I know it must be odd to see me standing here all these years later, and although I look
18:08like a man on the outside...
18:10Shelly lives in the house next door.
18:12Oh.
18:13Oh, uh, uh, which, uh...
18:14Oh, uh, the one with the above-ground pool and angry dogs tied to the tree in the front yard.
18:18No way.
18:25John Shepard!
18:27Is that really you?
18:29It is.
18:30Shelly?
18:32Shut up!
18:33Shut up!
18:33You idiots!
18:35I'd invite you in, but my uncle's getting dialysis right here in the bonus room.
18:39Oh, wow.
18:39Uh, listen, I was...
18:41I was just in a neighborhood.
18:42I wanted to come by and see how you've been.
18:45Yeah, not too bad.
18:46You know I ended up opening the Taco Bell Pizza Hut, but it never really took off.
18:51I think ultimately it came down to me trading too many pizzas for drugs.
18:56Right, right.
18:58Listen, I actually gotta get these kids somewhere.
19:00Well, it was nice to see you, John.
19:02You ever want to hang out, you know where to find me.
19:06You'll find her in the wind and in the trees around you,
19:09where the leaves blow and the river flows.
19:12I'm sorry, who are you?
19:13I'm Jared Fogle, the former subway spokesperson.
19:16Not sure I want you in my thought bubble.
19:19Aren't you in prison?
19:20Yes, this is how I spend my days in my cell.
19:23Hey, how many kids you got on this bus, by the way?
19:25This is why, this is why I don't want you in there.
19:30Hands up!
19:30Welcome back to a scary little town called Grimsburg.
19:33Glad we sprung for the 12-piece collection.
19:37All new, next on Fox.
19:43Thanks for pushing me to go find my first love.
19:46Sorry it ended up being such a waste of time.
19:48No, this was not a waste.
19:49You just found out you won.
19:51I did?
19:52How so?
19:53Your ex-girlfriend is a total loser.
19:55Meanwhile, you have a great job with a pension,
19:58a house, and a car with all different color doors.
20:02You're right.
20:03I guess old ship's doing okay.
20:05You sure are.
20:07Now all you gotta do is just not humiliate yourself on a bus full of children.
20:11Ooh, on that note, I gotta make a quick stop in the little boys' room.
20:17Turn on the radio!
20:18This bowl's getting very full.
20:28I strongly suggest we don't go up or down any hills.
20:32I'm feeling kind of lonely, too, if you don't mind.
20:36Can you sit down here beside you?
20:40Oh, yeah.
20:42All right.
20:44All new Grimsburg.
20:46DRAGONS.