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Short filmTranscript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:13Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to leave and can't do all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:23He's a family guy!
00:30Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make?
00:36Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles Bonnie left on our porch after my foot got infected.
00:41Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma.
00:44Well, I had a scary day. During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals almost blew up right in my face.
00:50Oh, my God! Look at this peanut! It's got three peanuts in it!
00:54Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner. How was everyone else's day?
00:58My day was awful! I had to give an oral book report in front of my English class, but it was right when I was at full mast.
01:06Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.
01:18My report is on Tom Sawyer, a modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.
01:28That is a song by Rush.
01:30I don't know, man. I Googled it and that's what came up.
01:33Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more about my son's public wood show, me and the guys have a tea time.
01:38A tea time? But it's dark out!
01:40Miniature golf, Lois. And it's gonna be a blast! Even more fun than a blow-pop!
01:44I never should have married it. Once they say I do, they don't.
01:54Ah, man. Nothing better than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night.
01:57Hey, why-how come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays?
02:00It's when America unloads all its week-old tacos.
02:03Sure, Congress can push through Taco Tuesday, but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform.
02:08Those two things are unrelated, Joe.
02:10Says the shill for Big Taco.
02:16Should've played through that birthday party. They're playing way too slow.
02:20Could we please have some quiet on the greens?
02:30Whoa, Chris, what's going on? Where are you going?
02:33I can't take the humiliation. I think my only option is to move away forever.
02:38What? Wait, is this about what happened with your book report?
02:41The teasing was awful, Brian.
02:43Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.
02:45Chris Griffin, please report to Woodshop.
02:49Stop it.
02:50I'll stop when they stop laughing.
02:52My approval rating is through the roof, just like Chris Griffin's Rod.
02:56On a more somber note, that kid with the helmet died.
03:02Chris, you can't just run away from your problems.
03:04Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened.
03:07This isn't a school shooting.
03:09Okay, I see you're upset.
03:11And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but...
03:14Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.
03:16You did? How?
03:18Well, you know, I was always really good at Legos,
03:20and I think it just kind of snowballed from there.
03:22You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris.
03:25Keep building.
03:27Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning
03:30and give you a do-over on your book report.
03:32That would be amazing.
03:34Did Rupert come this way?
03:35Son of a bitch killed his wife, and he's blaming an eight-armed man.
03:38Brian's gonna let me use his time machine to redo my book report.
03:42Oh, is that right?
03:44And how exactly is Brian going to do that?
03:46With his time machine?
03:48Hey, I handed you a wrench.
03:50Yeah, the wrong wrench.
03:51Just stay away from it.
03:55Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?
04:00We should all pull our money and buy some scratchers together.
04:03I love that idea.
04:04Yeah, it'd be a great way to cap off our Tuesday guys' night.
04:07Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.
04:10Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.
04:12All right, you guys go ahead.
04:13I'd rather spend my money on this tightly curled horoscope scroll.
04:17Suit yourself.
04:19Here we go, winning combo.
04:22Kim Kardashian.
04:24Khloe Kardashian.
04:26Scott Disick.
04:27I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.
04:31Martin Luther King.
04:32Malcolm X.
04:34Oh, Jussie Smollett.
04:36Let me show you how it's done.
04:37Give me one of the bald bucks.
04:40Piven.
04:42Travolta.
04:44Cage!
04:45I'm a winner!
04:46Awesome!
04:47We won $123.
04:48Split three ways, that's $41 a piece.
04:50That's fine.
04:51I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.
04:53Be sure to gamble today with your handicapped, horny, and black friend.
04:57Pfft.
04:58That can mean anything.
05:00Also, close your search tabs before your big work presentation tomorrow.
05:04Pfft.
05:05Bunch of mumbo jumbo.
05:06As you can see, third quarter sales...
05:08Oh, uh, sorry about that.
05:11Yeah, let me just, uh...
05:13Okay, I don't know how that, uh...
05:15Uh, just give me one second here.
05:17As I was saying, third quarter...
05:20I apologize for the slight, uh...
05:22A mini-mart scroll warned of this.
05:24I'll clean up my desk.
05:27I don't know, Brian. Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.
05:45Don't worry about Stewie.
05:47Okay, just put in today's date, set the time, and go.
05:51DNA mismatch.
05:53Enter secondary voice password within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.
05:57Crap! Secondary password?
05:59Self-destruct?
06:00Wait, wait, wait, I got this.
06:01Zac Efron.
06:03Um...
06:04Susan Lucci!
06:05Uh, uh, Dora!
06:06Diego!
06:07Gold's Gym!
06:08Mykonos!
06:09Oh, I know, I know.
06:10Fabulous!
06:11Fab!
06:12Totally fab!
06:13Uh, uh, go bitch!
06:14Whatever, bitch!
06:15Love you, bitch!
06:16Queen!
06:17Yes, Queen!
06:18Y...
06:19Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!
06:21Hey, hey, hey, did you see that?
06:51Check it out, Chris. Welcome to 16 Hours Ago.
06:58So, how does it feel to be living in the past?
07:02Wow, look how small that tree is and how old all those cars look.
07:06Oh, yeah, there's going to be a lot of very small differences like that.
07:09Hold on, I thought we were going to time travel to my school, not to our house.
07:13Oh, yeah, I just plugged in what was on the tag on my collar.
07:16That's the only address I know.
07:18Wait a minute, this could be amazing.
07:19We got a few hours before your book report.
07:21And with a day's advantage, we can use that time to bet on sports already knowing the outcome.
07:25Oh, my gosh, you're right.
07:27Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.
07:28Oh, here we go. WNBA. There's a Mystic Sparks game today.
07:32Remember who won that?
07:33I don't even know what city they're from.
07:36Which one has Caitlin Clark?
07:37I don't know. Both of them? Neither?
07:41Man, she's the best, maybe.
07:42Hey, Cleveland. You look different.
07:49Yeah. With my scratcher winnings, I was able to buy $41 at Ozempic.
07:53Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.
07:56And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.
08:01I see. Must be nice to have money to burn.
08:04I wouldn't know.
08:04Say, guys, I forget.
08:06How many people does it take to make a thing go right?
08:10It's six years to make a thing go right.
08:12I think you knew the answer.
08:14Thanks to those lucky scratchers I just bought Now That's What I Call Music, Volume 12.
08:20Game, cassette, match.
08:22Hey, check it out, guys.
08:23I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.
08:26TJ Maxx was having a sale on everything that's strewn on the floor.
08:29Great. Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.
08:32Uh-uh. You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.
08:37I got her right under my pudgy, non-threatening thumb.
08:46Okay. It's almost time for your English class.
08:48We just have to head off your past self so you can give the book report instead.
08:52Sounds good.
08:53Whoa. I guess if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.
09:02I have nothing to say to Derek.
09:05Oh, here I come.
09:09Chris, you can't go in there.
09:11Brian, what are you doing here?
09:15Are you me?
09:17Look, there's not much time.
09:18We're from the future.
09:19Well, your future. Our present.
09:21Let me stop you right there.
09:23I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.
09:25I just go where I'm told.
09:26Okay, Chris, get in there and make this the flaccidest report of your life.
09:32I won't let you down.
09:35Just in time, Chris. You're up.
09:37And not today, I'm not.
09:39Hello, peers.
09:40This is my report on the book, Tom Sawyer.
09:43The cover shows a kid painting a fence,
09:45and inside it is paper,
09:47which is made from trees.
09:49The end.
09:49Chris, I may have to fail you.
09:51Well, that's all good,
09:52because the only chub in town is the insurance company.
09:55Kobe!
09:55Quagmire, I see you're wearing a brown belt today.
10:02Did you buy another one?
10:04Nope, same belt.
10:05Reversible.
10:06That just blew my damn mind.
10:08Belts are reversible.
10:09Men are becoming women.
10:10I'm kind of getting into it.
10:12What's this world coming to?
10:13Evening, gentlemen.
10:14I'll offer some celebratory popcorn shrimp
10:16for the big scratcher winners.
10:18Well, no way.
10:19That's the appetizer in commercials
10:20most likely to fly through the air.
10:22Any food that's airborne on television
10:24is very special.
10:31Peter, come on.
10:32Have some.
10:33I understood the shrimp
10:34to be exclusively for winners.
10:36Damn it.
10:37It's not fair.
10:37I've got to find a way
10:38to have what they have.
10:39Okay, suction cups,
10:44pulley system,
10:45carabiners,
10:46rope,
10:47ski mask,
10:47and one last thing.
10:49I'll bet.
10:49I don't understand the crossword once.
11:03Well, Chris,
11:04probably time to head home.
11:05And congrats again
11:06on a successful non-turgid book report.
11:08Please stop saying gross smart words.
11:11Uh, hey.
11:19Is, uh,
11:19is there maybe something
11:20you guys want to tell me?
11:21Yeah.
11:22Did you know there was
11:23a WNBA game yesterday
11:24between the Mystics and the Sparks?
11:26Yes, of course.
11:27The Mystics crushed the Sparks
11:28by 26 points.
11:29Aww.
11:30Yeah, huge upset.
11:32Vegas had it all wrong.
11:33Aww.
11:34Listen,
11:35I know you're probably mad
11:36we took the time machine
11:37without asking,
11:37but trust me,
11:38there's nothing to worry about.
11:39You sure about that?
11:41Ah!
11:44I'm sorry, little guy.
11:46Mom thinks it'll help
11:47the swelling from the burns
11:48if I put some of your
11:49diaper cream on my face.
11:51Looks like Brian and Chris
11:53kicked up a little more
11:54than dust on their mosey
11:55back in time.
11:57Now,
11:57please consider these
11:58fine commercial products.
12:00Whip sound effect.
12:01Yeah, he probably wasn't
12:02supposed to read that last part.
12:03Yeah, there.
12:04You see?
12:04There it is.
12:06Since that's all she can eat now.
12:07Mmm, so good.
12:13What's yours?
12:14Apple.
12:14Aww, there's apple?
12:15I thought that was lime.
12:18But we should...
12:19We should go fix
12:20the Meg burned face thing,
12:23though.
12:23Right?
12:24Yeah, yeah.
12:25All right.
12:26Oh, hey, you guys.
12:27I also got ice cream
12:28sandwiches for Meg.
12:31It's a time machine.
12:32We can leave
12:33whenever we want.
12:33I mean, we make
12:34the schedule.
12:35Yeah, like literally.
12:42John Hamm.
12:44Arnold Palmer.
12:45The third one's
12:46just a mirror.
12:48Oh, wait a minute.
12:50Scratcher.
12:51Peter, it's the middle
12:52of the night.
12:53What the hell
12:53are you doing?
12:54Uh, having an affair.
12:56What?
12:57With who?
12:57Yeah, you don't know her.
12:58Her name is...
13:00Sandy Shoes.
13:03Peter, are you just
13:04looking at stuff
13:05in the car
13:05and making up lies?
13:06Lois, that is
13:07completely speedometer.
13:09Look, I don't know
13:10what any of this is,
13:10but just don't turn
13:11on the bathroom light
13:12when you come to bed.
13:13Okay, thank you.
13:15Thanks for no more
13:16questions.
13:17Love you.
13:20Mr. Griffin,
13:20you're under arrest for...
13:21I know, I know.
13:22How'd you find me?
13:23The store security camera
13:25caught you checking
13:25your height against
13:26the door jam sticker.
13:27I'm afraid I'm shrinking.
13:29We're gonna measure again
13:30at the jail, though, right?
13:33All right,
13:37we're back at the day
13:38of Chris's book report.
13:39To save Meg's face,
13:40we just had to do two things.
13:42First, we lock up the Chris
13:43who successfully gave his report
13:44without incident.
13:45Flaccid Chris.
13:46Yes.
13:47Ew, gross, but yes.
13:48And then we restore the laughter
13:50that will distract Meg
13:51by releasing the original Chris
13:52from the custodial closet.
13:54Turgid Chris.
13:55You think you're clever,
13:56but you're not clever.
13:57Look, there's flaccid me.
14:02Happy?
14:02Now your crudeness
14:03is a whole thing.
14:06Okay, gonna stop you
14:07right there, bud.
14:07Stewie?
14:08Oh, crap, this can't be good.
14:10Hey, Chris,
14:11we're gonna need you to...
14:12Uh-oh.
14:13Stewie, we've got a problem.
14:15What?
14:15What's wrong?
14:16It seems that given
14:16even a few minutes alone
14:18in a locked closet,
14:19Chris, uh,
14:20took matters into his own hands.
14:22What?
14:23Yeah, he's in there sleeping
14:24and muttering about Lola Bunny
14:25from Space Jam.
14:26Who's that?
14:27A smoking hot rabbit.
14:30Okay, I didn't get it
14:31when you said it,
14:32but now I get it.
14:33So what do we do now?
14:34Don't worry, I've got this.
14:35Chris, your book report
14:36is back on,
14:37but this time
14:38you've got to do it
14:39at full mast.
14:40Yeah, um,
14:41one small issue with that.
14:42During the time
14:43you two were yakking about
14:44how the me in the closet
14:45just masturbated,
14:47I, too, masturbated.
14:49What?
14:49Oh, for God's sake!
14:51Damn it,
14:51we're running out of time
14:52to save Meg.
14:53Chris, we've got less than
14:54one minute to get you aroused.
14:55Um, okay.
14:57Close your eyes.
14:58You're a 19th century heiress
15:00alone in her vast estate
15:02and awaiting a visit
15:03from the handsome vicar
15:04as her dear aunt
15:05has recently passed
15:06from consumption.
15:07Yeah, that,
15:08that's nothing.
15:10Well, I'm not proud
15:11of what I'm about to say here,
15:12but go to YouTube
15:14and type in
15:14Brazilian Women's
15:15Olympic Volleyball Team Practice.
15:17They're all speaking Spanish.
15:20Is that part of it for you?
15:22Portuguese, but yes.
15:23You guys, you guys, stop.
15:25I'll just type in
15:26Lauren Boebert
15:27mutual groping,
15:28vaping,
15:28and public Beetlejuice.
15:30Oh, you kind of sexy liar.
15:35I'm ready.
15:40He's a good kid.
15:40I'm proud of him.
15:45What's everyone laughing about?
15:47Which one is Derek's locker?
15:49He can't find
15:49his anti-seizure medicine.
15:56Hey, just so you know,
15:58I can eat 50 eggs.
16:00You already told me
16:01that four times.
16:02Okay, well,
16:0250 sometimes sounds like 15,
16:05so I just wanted to make sure
16:06you were properly impressed.
16:08Huh.
16:08What are you guys doing here?
16:10Ain't you all too good
16:11for me now?
16:12Peter, we never felt that way.
16:13Yeah, we were the ones
16:14who wanted you to buy
16:15Scratchers with us
16:16in the first place.
16:17That's why we've come
16:18to bail you out.
16:19Bail me out?
16:20Seriously?
16:23Look, I'm sorry
16:24I overreacted, you guys.
16:26I think I was just frustrated
16:27about never actually
16:28winning anything.
16:29Peter, of course
16:30you're a winner.
16:31You've got a beautiful wife,
16:32a family who loves you,
16:33and a bathroom
16:34window that's not
16:35as frosted as you think.
16:37And you're white.
16:37That's a big one.
16:39Oh, yeah.
16:39My insulated experience
16:41of the world
16:41always makes me forget that.
16:43We pooled our last
16:44$15 of Scratcher winnings
16:45to pay your fine.
16:46$50?
16:47No, $15.
16:48Oh.
16:49See, that's the thing
16:51that I was saying.
16:59Man, you guys are the best.
17:01I hope you can forgive me
17:02for acting so crazy.
17:03Of course we do, Peter.
17:05Wait a second.
17:06You got me out of jail
17:06for only $15
17:07after I committed a robbery?
17:09Well, I pulled a few strings.
17:12Kind of an easy sell
17:13to the chief
17:14because you're white.
17:15See?
17:15There's that thing
17:17that I was saying.
17:17Are we for sure in the clear?
17:29How's Meg?
17:31Mom, have you seen Meg?
17:32Yeah, she went to the store.
17:34Well, I'm sure she's fine.
17:35To pick up some ointment.
17:36Uh-oh.
17:37For her vagina.
17:38Hooray!
17:39Oh, a bit of a journey,
17:41but we got there.
17:42Listen, Stewie,
17:43we never should have used
17:44your time machine
17:44without telling you.
17:45Chris and I owe you
17:46an apology.
17:47That's fine, Brian.
17:49At least your heart
17:49was in the right place.
17:51Yeah, that's the thing.
17:52I'm not sure it was.
17:54You see, Chris,
17:55I never should have suggested
17:57a do-over
17:57on your book report.
17:58What?
17:59Why not?
18:00Well, I realize now
18:02that all the awkward,
18:03embarrassing,
18:04difficult experiences
18:05in life
18:05are exactly what shape people
18:07into interesting adults.
18:08You need these cringy moments
18:09because I know you have
18:10a very interesting future
18:12ahead of you.
18:13Thanks, Brian.
18:14You know what?
18:15Maybe let's put a pin
18:16in the hug
18:16until that book report
18:17pistol's back in its holster.
18:19That could just be
18:19time travel related
18:20from the re-entry.
18:22Really?
18:23Yeah, you know how you can get
18:24rando boners on airplanes?
18:25It's like that.
18:26Oh, that's right.
18:27The first person
18:28it ever happened to
18:29was Charles Lindbergh.
18:30There's Lucky Lindbergh
18:31landing in the City of Lights.
18:33And like all great pilots,
18:35he's emerged from the cockpit
18:37with a Betty Boop beach towel
18:38around his waist.
18:39I am perfectly limp
18:41and what the Nazis do
18:42is an internal matter.
18:48What's going on, guys?
18:49It's me, Cory,
18:50with After the Guy.
18:51We've only got a minute
18:52to break down
18:53all the best guy moments
18:54from this week.
18:55And as always,
18:56we're brought to you
18:57by too many sponsors.
18:59Peter, what did you think
19:00of the episode?
19:01Well, Cory,
19:01I'd say most of it
19:02was freaking sweet.
19:03Just like squeezable
19:04Smucker's jelly,
19:05now with a spill-proof top.
19:06And even if there was
19:07a plot hole or two,
19:08they're no match
19:09for flex tape.
19:10Flex tape!
19:10Stick it in a drawer,
19:11forget you have it,
19:12then buy it again
19:13three years later.
19:14Okay, question for Stewie.
19:15Who can understand the baby?
19:17Okay, as I've explained
19:18for the last six of these,
19:20Cory...
19:21He had to leave.
19:22He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.
19:23Closing credits
19:24under theme song.
19:26Is there a way
19:26to highlight just the words
19:28he has to say?
19:29I've yet to see
19:30a fish out here.
19:31I caught one!
19:33Fishless Lake,
19:33that's a good name for it.
19:35Fox Tomorrow.
19:36Time to hurt some feelings.
19:37A devastating turn
19:38threatens the remaining
19:39survivalists.
19:40Due to decisions
19:40made in HQ.
19:42He's pretty much
19:42stuck with nothing.
19:43And uncovers sabotage
19:45among the families.
19:46I'm sorry.
19:46No, I told you
19:47I don't want to hear
19:47what you have to say.
19:48It's the most shocking
19:49episode of the season.
19:50I want to go home.
19:51I don't want to do this
19:52at all.
19:54This is literally insane.
19:56Extracted.
19:57All new tomorrow
19:58on Fox.
19:59Haunted boats
20:00and a scary influencer.
20:01Up next on an all new
20:02episode of the Great North.
20:04Starts now.
20:05Now,
20:05into this part of the
20:19time.