#CinemaJourney
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Short filmTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see
00:05Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:12On which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to pretend to
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:42Well, it took a hundred pounds of rice
00:44But you're almost done, Jessica Chast Grain
00:47What's that? You want me to run away with you?
00:50But what about your husband, Gianluca Passi de Preposulo?
00:53Yeah, Italian names are stupid
00:57Aw, dammit! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!
01:00Nice
01:02What the hell's going on over here? You've been barking all morning
01:05Yeah, you're welcome. I'm protecting the neighborhood
01:08I heard from a dog who heard from a dog who heard from another dog
01:11That he saw a pack of coyotes on Spooner Street
01:13There are no coyotes on Spooner Street
01:15And your barking is driving me crazy, so just stop
01:17I can't
01:18And trust me, my bark is the only thing keeping these predators at bay
01:21Because if there's one thing that I will not allow in this neighborhood, it's predators
01:25Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert, how you doing today?
01:27Oh, you know me
01:28Easy peasy, youngsy boisy
01:31Sweet, sweet old fellow right there
01:36Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris? I'm really worried about him
01:40What's wrong?
01:41Well, he needs to lose weight
01:43And his blood pressure's way too high
01:45I'm afraid he could end up with serious medical issues
01:48I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday
01:50Hmm, if that were the case, I wonder if there's people on Craigslist you can hire to make that burden go away
01:56I'm just not sure what's the best way to get him healthier
01:59Maybe a guy named Tony Q?
02:01I guess the first thing I should do is get him to lose some weight
02:04Maybe this guy Tony Q's even cheaper than you'd expect
02:09Or maybe there's a sport Chris could get involved in
02:12You know what? That's a great idea
02:14After all, sports are in his DNA
02:17Peter's great-grandfather invented one
02:19I call it basketball, boys
02:21Now prepare to be dazzled by the most thrilling move in my game
02:25Chest pass
02:27Hey, that looks like fun
02:28Can I try?
02:29No, no, no, no, no
02:30Just ask for a while
02:32Good afternoon, sir, I'm looking for a Brian Griffin
02:40Joe, you've known me for years
02:42Come on, I gotta flop around for like an hour to get my uniform on
02:45So let me do the cop thing
02:46I received an anonymous complaint about your barking
02:49It was me, Brian, I was the anonymous complaint
02:52This here's a court order that says you have to wear a bark collar until the complainant is satisfied you can obey the local noise ordinance
02:59Joe, this is a flyer for your one-man show
03:02Joe Komotive
03:03The laughs have left the station
03:05Wow, and only five bucks a tick?
03:07I should investigate this next, cause that is a steal
03:10Anyway, the collar's programmed to give you a severe shock if you raise your voice above a certain decibel
03:15You're wasting your time, that's a military grade collar, a little trickle down from Gitmo
03:23And don't bother trying to cut it off, you won't be able to, it's Kevlar
03:27Same stuff Republicans want our kids to wear to school
03:30Joe Komotive, all that and more, Friday afternoon at the VFW parking lot
03:35Chris, your mother asked me to get you involved in a sport to help bring your blood pressure down
03:43Now, you have what we're no longer allowed to call imbecile strength
03:47So the first sport we're going to try is the shot put
03:50Just take this cannonball thingy, spin around like a maniac a few times, and heave it as far as you can
03:55Seems easy enough
03:56Oh no, your car!
04:01Ha! Who's the pathetic loser for not having a windshield now, teens outside 7-Eleven?
04:11The student you're matched up against today is Chris Griffin
04:14He's not much of an athlete, so go easy on him
04:17I wonder where he is anyway
04:18By God, it's the Griffinator from the top rope!
04:22Yeah!
04:23As a husky kid on the spectrum, this is the only kind of wrestling I'm into
04:28You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chris
04:30As an adult who's bath mad as newspapers, I'm pretty into it too
04:39Thanks for trying to help, Principal Shepard
04:41But I'm just not good at anything
04:43And all that stuff about carbo-loading is BS, by the way
04:46I ate a whole pan of the milky mac and cheese at lunch, and it didn't help one bit
04:51Uh-oh, I think the carb's just loaded
04:55Where's the bathroom?
04:56Uh, the closest one is all the way across the field
05:00It's okay, this isn't my first poop-trot rodeo
05:03I can clench and hustle
05:11Chris is using his hips to generate speed without dilating his anus
05:15It's the perfect race-walking form
05:19No, the door is locked!
05:22And wow, just wow, a natural speed-walker with form unlike any I've ever seen
05:28What the hell happened to us, Don?
05:30Eight years ago we were calling Major League Baseball
05:33And now we're hoping a teenager will speed-walk by
05:36And I'll say the quiet part out loud
05:38No one wants to hire a white guy
05:40No one wants to hire a white guy
05:42It's been a pleasure, Don
05:44You've been a life raft and an anchor, other Don
05:47So, are we all excited for Chris's first race-walking competition?
05:58No! This is gonna be so boring
06:01Why couldn't Chris play a sport that's actually interesting?
06:04Oh Meg, race-walking's plenty interesting
06:07If you know the first thing about it
06:09There's rules about heel and toe placement as well as leg straightness
06:14So keep an eye out for the judges' yellow and red paddles
06:17Those indicate a warning or disqualification
06:20Lois, we can see you sneak-reading Wikipedia
06:23All right, since none of you Gen Z snowflakes can be trusted around a starting pistol
06:28Listen for the starting kazoo
06:30On your marks, get set, kazoo!
06:33I, uh, lost the actual kazoo
06:36So it's really just walking, huh?
06:45God, by the time he's done, I could foster another kid and raise him to play a better sport
06:50You know what? That's what I'm gonna do
06:52This is Rebecca, my new ward
06:59I found her under the overpass and said she could stay with us till she gets back on her feet
07:03Is the race over yet?
07:04Not even close
07:05Okay, I'm gonna go get this one a tetanus shot
07:07I imagine she's quite overdue
07:14Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois
07:16She's always felt like more than a foster
07:18And we've decided to explore those feelings
07:20We bought a condo in Tucson, so I'll be moving out
07:23Look! Here comes Chris!
07:25Winner!
07:31Rebecca!
07:32Rebecca, honey!
07:33Go, Chris!
07:34Well, she left me, Lois
07:36I gave her an ultimatum
07:37It was me or her tattoo artist
07:39But our thruple wasn't healthy for anybody
07:41She chose him rather quickly
07:43We sold the condo at a loss, and she still has my credit cards
07:46All that's to say, I'm ready to rebuild what you and I once had
07:49You have to call the companies and cancel those cards
07:52I know
07:53Hey, there he is!
07:58Woofie Goldberg!
08:00Eh?
08:01Arf Vader!
08:02Bark Ruffalo!
08:03Yep, I should've stopped on that last one
08:06So, how you doing with that thing?
08:08I'm doing just fine, Stewie
08:09I'm in total control of my barking
08:11Well, that's good, because the fat man finally fixed that broken doorbell
08:14And you know that always gets your goat
08:16Is it working? Did I do good?
08:19Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar
08:22Ow! Damn it! Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar. Ow!
08:26Oh God!
08:28That was awful
08:29Gorap, Locked myself out
08:30Anybody in there?
08:31Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar, Roar, Ow!
08:33Wait I got a key
08:35Someone I know is home
08:36Roar, Roar, Roar, Row, Row, Ow!
08:37So what I know is home
08:38Roar, Roar, Row, Row. Ow!
08:39Hey, honey, I was just telling Bonnie and Donna what a star you've become on your new team, huh?
08:51Hey, I got an idea. Do you want to take a stroll with us?
08:55First off, don't call it a stroll. It's insulting.
08:58And a little heads up, if we do any photos, you gotta tape over that Skechers logo.
09:03I'm a Rockport athlete.
09:04When your joints are such a disaster, even dress shoes need air pocket technology, it's Rockport.
09:12This next hill is really gonna test our metals, so why don't you ladies draft off me until we get to the top?
09:18Now, who remembers what to do when we get to the intersection?
09:22Walk in place like a lunatic who's clearly using this mild exercise to keep their own demons at bay?
09:28Why, Bonnie Swanson, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was race-walking gold medalist Maurizio Damiano or Ivano Brunieri.
09:38Italian names are so stupid.
09:44So, Brian, what can I do for you? Come here to beg to have that collar removed?
09:48Oh, this thing? It's actually been such a non-issue, I forgot I was wearing it.
09:52But since you brought it up, I feel like my barking is really under control now, so we can have Joe take it off.
09:58Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
10:00Do you hear that?
10:01That's peace and quiet.
10:04Ah.
10:06What was that?
10:07Did you just smell the silence?
10:09Why, yes, I did, Brian.
10:10Yes, I did.
10:12Okay, fine, you were right.
10:13I was being a loud, annoying jerk, and I'm sorry.
10:15Please have Joe take this off.
10:17Why do you think I like cats so much, Brian?
10:201980s fancy feast ads?
10:211980s fancy feast ads.
10:23But what I really love about cats is how quiet they are.
10:26They don't bark, they purr.
10:28Okay, so what's your point?
10:30I want to hear you purr.
10:32I... I can't.
10:33I won't.
10:34Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder would look in my front yard?
10:37Right there, right there, in full view of your house.
10:40Okay, fine.
10:42Purr.
10:43Ha ha, you can do better than that.
10:45Ugh, all right.
10:48There, now will you call Joe?
10:50What do you think, Miss Kitty Witty?
10:52Was that a good purr?
10:54Ow!
10:55Sorry, Brian, she says no.
10:56And when a woman says no in this house, it means no, as of March 5th, 2018.
11:15What the hell?
11:16Ah!
11:17Ha ha!
11:18Ah!
11:18Ha ha!
11:19Ah!
11:19What are you ladies doing here?
11:28We didn't have a walk planned today.
11:30Oh, we're here for Chris.
11:32What?
11:33Chris, when did you make plans with Bonnie and Donna?
11:35It was on the group text.
11:37I didn't see a group text.
11:39Oh.
11:40Well, give me a sec, I'll grab my shoes.
11:42Actually, Lois, today we're going to Three Wide Park.
11:46You know, that park where the trails are only three people wide?
11:49But you said your fibromyalgia's acting up anyway.
11:52Yeah, but I don't actually have fibromyalgia.
11:55Nobody does.
11:57You just say that to get out of stuff you don't want to do.
11:59What?
12:00Couldn't we just walk, you know, two and two?
12:02Officer Three Wide didn't die in a tragic freeway accident so we could dishonor his memory.
12:07Did you see that, Peter?
12:10Chris just went out for the afternoon with my friends, and not one of them thought to include me.
12:15Ugh, so brutal.
12:17Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and I cheer you up?
12:20Oh, honey, I would, but my fibromyalgia's on fire today.
12:24Oh, dear, never mind.
12:25There's commercials for that, so I know it's real.
12:33Sorry I'm late.
12:34Me, Bon, and Don, that's Bonnie and Donna.
12:37We're in the zone on this morning's walk.
12:39Oh, is that right?
12:41Oh.
12:42What oh?
12:43Well, nothing.
12:44It's just me, me, and nah.
12:46That's also Bonnie and Donna.
12:47We're doing a vegan challenge.
12:51Excuse me, sir, would you like some breakfast with your cholesterol, Chris?
12:55What the hell is this?
12:57Oh, sorry.
12:58Wrong chat.
12:59You know, I gotta say, I'm not crazy about all this time you're spending with Bonnie and Donna.
13:04What?
13:05Why?
13:05I like them.
13:06Because they're my middle-aged female friends, and lately it's like they enjoy hanging out with my teenage son more than me.
13:13It's inappropriate.
13:15We only started getting along because they like how I'm good at walking, which you told me to get into.
13:20I know, I know, and I'm happy you're healthier, but now you, Bonnie and Donna, are doing things without me and texting about the food I make.
13:28Whaaaaat?
13:30Whaaaaat?
13:30We don't do that.
13:33Hey, how do you spell uncoagulated, like if something wasn't cooked nearly enough?
13:38Where the hell is Brian Griffin?
13:47Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that.
13:52Could you speak up?
13:53No, I can't, because if I raise my voice, I get freaking electrocuted.
13:57I have never been so furious.
13:59Take this off right now.
14:01No way.
14:01This is payback, you dick.
14:03I swear to God, I will choke you out with your own tail.
14:06Yeah, I'd like to see you try, you sad, lonely douche.
14:12Where'd you get one of these things, anyway?
14:14Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked.
14:15It was on the front seat.
14:16Hey, that's not cool, Brian.
14:18Those collars aren't easy to replace.
14:20Unlike congressional seats, you can't just go out and buy one.
14:24Tokomotive!
14:25Next stop, good times.
14:26Now available for all private events.
14:28A cafe gaggle without me?
14:37Well, you know what I might do?
14:38And I think I'm getting this right.
14:40I might just take the morning way after pill and then poof, he's gone.
14:47Oh, hey, fam.
14:48Oh, God, there's my mom.
14:50Wait, but if she's here, then who's at home doing the nothing all day?
14:56Chris, you're terrible.
14:58So what are we dishing about?
15:00Janet's husband?
15:01I love him.
15:02Hit her.
15:03You're kind of painted into a corner now, Mom.
15:05Is this chair being used?
15:07Yes, for Donna's purse.
15:10Oh, Kate Spade.
15:12You know she killed herself, right?
15:14Well, geez, Mom, what exactly do you think passes as acceptable brunch conversation?
15:20It's lady talk, Chris.
15:22You don't get it.
15:23Oh, speaking of, I know we said no more presents
15:26after we all got taken in that gift and table Ponzi scheme,
15:29but I could not help myself.
15:31I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.
15:35Oh, sorry, Chris.
15:36I didn't get one for you because I just assumed, you know,
15:39it wasn't exactly up your alley.
15:41Well, you assumed right.
15:43The Quahog production is family friendly.
15:45They only do the parts where Magic Mike works odd jobs to secure a business loan for furniture making.
15:50Oh.
15:51Say, I was about to get a latte.
15:54Who wants one?
15:55My treat.
15:56Actually, we were just leaving.
15:58We're going to Mount Quahog so Chris can show us how to walk while taking a business call on AirPods.
16:03If you're not at a volume that ruins nature for everyone else, you're doing it wrong.
16:08Okay, enough.
16:09I am sick of you two being so enamored with my dope son.
16:13Ever since he joined that stupid team, he's prancing around like some sort of fitness guru
16:17and you two eat it up with a spoon.
16:19Well, I'm going to prove Chris is the same little turd he was a week ago
16:22by beating him in a race walk and setting all of this back to the way it was.
16:27Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.
16:29You know she killed herself, right?
16:31Stop it.
16:32See?
16:33They get it.
16:37I hope that extra strength trash bag commercial was exaggerating what happens if you use the leading brand.
16:43Ah, they weren't exaggerating.
16:45Look at this.
16:46Covered in rabbit stew.
16:48The curse of cooking for one is always the leftovers for many.
16:55Oh my god, coyotes.
16:57Brian was right.
16:59Listen to me.
16:59Brian was right.
17:00I bet hell just froze over.
17:02It's freezing in here.
17:04You were just hot two seconds ago.
17:06Well, now I'm cold.
17:08Who's that?
17:09You knew my sister was coming.
17:12Hell.
17:13Her sister's here, too.
17:19Help.
17:20Help.
17:22Help.
17:23Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's.
17:27And somebody's having a really hard time with Axel F on the keyboard.
17:35It's quite a mountain to climb, but oh, what a view.
17:38Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:39Oh.
17:39Oh.
17:39Oh.
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17:42Oh.
17:42Oh.
17:42Oh.
17:47Hey.
17:48Back off.
17:52Brian, what are you doing?
17:53Get out of here or they'll tear us both apart.
17:55Don't worry, Quagmire.
17:56I know what I'm doing.
17:59Oh.
18:00Oh.
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18:17Oh.
18:18Oh.
18:18Ryan, you saved my life.
18:20But why?
18:21I've been a total dick all week.
18:23Because I'm a dog, and it's my duty to protect this neighborhood.
18:28We might hate each other, but as long as you live next door, you'll always be safe on Spooner Street.
18:35They got me, Daddy!
18:37Take the extra slam jams out of your socks, Junior!
18:40Take the slam jams out of your socks!
18:46Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?
18:48No running?
18:49No running, yeah.
18:50Okay, on your marks, get set, kazoo!
18:52Yeah!
18:54Hello, I'm Oscar-winning actor and often impersonated Christopher Walken.
19:00Here to announce this Walken race, am I really him?
19:04I'm not even sure anymore.
19:06Strangers come up to me doing better me's than me, and I say, hey, that's me.
19:12But invariably, I learn it is not me.
19:15I'm me, I think.
19:17Look at them hoofing it through the streets of Quahog.
19:20That's a mighty fine walk-in, and I should know.
19:24Pause for laughter.
19:27And look out up ahead, because there's a patch of wet cement that has been freshly smoothed
19:33by a very satisfied ethnic worker.
19:35Oh, come on, says the man, slamming his trowel into the wet cement, further damaging it.
19:42Oh, no, he's injured his hamstring.
19:58Dramatic music.
19:59Dramatic music.
20:02Congratulations, Mom.
20:04You beat me fair and square, said Chris.
20:06No, Mr. Walken, we're done with you.
20:10Christopher, you lost on purpose, didn't you?
20:13Why?
20:14Because I want you to win this race, Mom.
20:16You looked out for me by getting me involved in sports.
20:19Now I'm looking out for you.
20:21You need Bonnie and Donna more than I do.
20:24Oh, thank you, Chris.
20:26Also, adult female friends swap nudes way less than I was led to believe, like basically
20:34never, and that was not an insignificant part of my involvement in this charade.
20:45I just wanted to tell you again, Chris, I really appreciate what you did for me with
20:50Bonnie and Donna.
20:51It's all right, Mom.
20:52Once I realized that being in a woman friendship didn't involve the sending back and forth of
20:57nudes, I was kind of over it.
20:59Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that before.
21:01Well, that's how important it is to me.