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00:00Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway on tonight's show.
00:06May I see your license?
00:08Wayne Brady, do you know how fast you are going?
00:11Chip Bestin, you have the right to remain silent.
00:13Colin Mochrie, and, oh, you'll talk, Ryan Stiles.
00:18I'm your host, Drew Carey.
00:19Come on down, let's have some fun.
00:25There it is, everybody.
00:26And, uh, that's so low.
00:34I don't get it either.
00:36Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
00:40Yep, just like the police department in Columbia.
00:45If you never saw the show before, what happens is our performers here, they're going to make up everything you see right on the spot here.
00:50Based on suggestions from the audience and things that are written on these cards here, they've never seen these suggestions before.
00:55They don't know what they are.
00:56And then at the end of the show, we pick a winner.
00:58The winner gets to do a little something special.
01:00And the loser, of course, Consolidus Prize, gets two trips aboard the beautiful Queen Mary.
01:05Not the boat.
01:06But, uh, you know, we're doing the best we can.
01:11So, yeah.
01:13Looking forward to that.
01:20Let's start it off with a game called Let's Make a Date.
01:22It's all four of you.
01:23Uh, Chip, you're going to be appearing on a dating type show.
01:25And Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are, unfortunately, the only people you get to choose from.
01:29But we've given them each a strange characteristic or identity.
01:31They're on these cards here.
01:32They've never seen the cards before.
01:33And Chip's going to ask them about the suitability for a date.
01:36And in the process, try to establish who they are.
01:38So, whenever you're ready, Chip, off you go.
01:41Bachelor number one.
01:42Hi.
01:43How are you?
01:45Hey, dude.
01:46Yeah, dude, that's funny.
01:56Wow.
01:57Edgy.
02:01Bachelor number two.
02:02I'm really drunk right now.
02:04If you were a drink, what kind of drink would you be?
02:07Drink.
02:13I'm not telling you anything.
02:14Nothing.
02:16You're a human.
02:21That's your number three.
02:23Yeah.
02:24If you were in a zoo, what kind of animal would you be?
02:27And why?
02:35Well, I can't really tell you or that would ruin the whole thing.
02:39But I'd love a date with you and I'd just, I'd eat you up.
02:44Mysterious.
02:45Bachelor number one.
02:45You seem like a really fun kind of guy.
02:48Where would you take me on a date?
02:50I don't know.
02:53I might take you.
02:54Gonna get some cheesy poo.
02:57I don't know.
02:58Well, I don't know.
03:00I might want to take you down to the lakeside.
03:03I want to take you down to the lakeside.
03:06Let's go, children.
03:07You sound double dreamy.
03:14Bachelor number two.
03:19If we get married, would you like to have a lot of children?
03:22You know I can't anymore.
03:24Oh, my God.
03:43They killed Bachelor number two.
03:44Well, whoever I choose, you people can party.
03:59Bachelor number three.
04:00Yes?
04:01Would you make a good presidential candidate and why?
04:04Oh, I think I'd make the best president.
04:07Oh, I think I'd make the best president.
04:37All right, Chip.
04:40Guess who they are.
04:41Okay, Bachelor number one is the entire cast of South Park.
04:44Yes.
04:46I don't know how you guessed it.
04:48I don't know what gave it away, but yeah, you did.
04:50Bachelor number two is a torture victim.
04:53Yes.
04:56Better than that, he's a medieval torture victim.
04:59Uh-huh.
05:00Twist.
05:01Bachelor number three is a vulture.
05:04Yes.
05:07A thousand points to each of you.
05:16Hey, remember when these points used to be worth something?
05:21Now, let's go on to a game called Three-Headed Broadway Stars.
05:24This is for Wayne, Colin, and Ryan,
05:25with the help of Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, Laura Hall, and Linda Taylor.
05:28They're going to pretend to be a strange, three-headed Broadway star.
05:37They're going to sing a Broadway hit,
05:38and they have to make up the song one word at a time,
05:41each singing only one word.
05:43And what we need from the audience
05:44is a suggestion of an unlikely musical.
05:46Lumberjacks in love.
05:47What?
05:48Lumberjacks in love.
05:49Lumberjacks in love.
05:49Lumberjacks in love.
05:56Now, give me the title of the big hit love song
05:59from Lumberjacks in love.
06:01Timber.
06:02Timber.
06:05So you're going to sing the big hit love song
06:07one word at a time.
06:08Timber from Lumberjacks in love.
06:10Take it away.
06:11Trees fall down.
06:24My job is to let them drown.
06:32Every day I wonder why.
06:36And I cut down those lumber.
06:45Timber, I shout, using my mouth to scream.
06:58You laugh at me.
07:03But I don't care if you see
07:11Timber.
07:14Timber.
07:16Timber.
07:19Crushing people is its reward.
07:26Would you like to bring a sword?
07:33I want to let you slice my lumber.
07:44I want to let you slice my lumber.
07:46Timber is love.
07:53And everyone loves you, Steve.
07:58My only wish could be to hold you close.
08:15I want to let you thrill this week.
08:29400 points to each your wives for sticking with you.
08:32And we're going to continue the show with a game called props.
08:36I want you to divide into two groups.
08:38Ryan and Chip.
08:39Colin and Wayne.
08:40Ryan and Chip, this is your prop.
08:42Oh. Dink. Sorry. Dink.
08:45And, oh, man, this is heavy.
08:47This is your prop right here.
08:48And another one. Hey, hey.
08:50Hey, two of them. And, uh, Ryan and Chip,
08:52you're going to start, and you have to come up with as many good ideas
08:54for these props as you can. I'll budge in between. Go ahead and start.
08:57Yeah, another day,
08:58and I think I'll pop it.
09:03Nobody's going for this
09:04Pepto-Bismol on a stick.
09:05Sell it!
09:08Clear!
09:12Somebody stop me!
09:15Whee!
09:22Today, we bury Madonna.
09:29Jeez, meathead,
09:30don't you see I'm sitting in my favorite chair?
09:37So you come here often?
09:39No, I like women.
09:42I really thought it would help my career.
09:50Get a load of her.
09:52Whoa!
09:56Jacob says we must have the milk
09:58turned by the morning.
10:03Apparently, Horton heard a who.
10:05Really?
10:05Yeah.
10:10Stupid baboon!
10:10Leah, where are you, Leah?
10:20Oh, that's enough, right there.
10:23And we'll be right back with more Who's Liners and Anyway.
10:25All right, do this, don't go away.
10:32Hey, welcome back to Who's Liners and Anyway.
10:33the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter that's right the points
10:38don't matter just like the word international in international house of pancakes
10:42now let's go to a game called stance it lie this is for ryan colin and wayne and they're
10:51gonna make up a scene however one must always be standing one must always be sitting one must
10:54always be lying down and if anyone changes the positions the other ones have to make it up for
11:00them and they all three have to be new positions it doesn't matter who's laying down go ahead and
11:04pick one I am older the scene is three campers are preparing for bed in the woods on the night of
11:14a full oh no the scene is Wayne has talked her boyfriend Colin into coming into Ryan's tattoo
11:26parlor her yes her boyfriend Wayne has talked her boyfriend Colin into coming to Ryan's tattoo
11:31parlor see honey don't you feel good that I talked you into coming to this tattoo parlor I've already
11:37be camping under a full moon honey look there's nothing wrong with a tattoo let me get this
11:46straight you want a barcode on here no I don't want a barcode well maybe I got it wrong then that's what
11:52she said to me no because I've got a barcode right here and a UPC symbol oh what do you want I haven't
11:56got all day for this well look why are you getting so upset for paying you money I can't handle much
12:00more of this don't don't yell at the tattoo man he's awfully nice and he's giving us a discount all
12:05right I'll take one who said anything about a discount why you did on the phone mister I
12:09certainly did not I certainly did not say anything about a discount I never give discounts I'd be
12:17ridiculous so I'm lying oh no no my husband boyfriend soon-to-be husband look wants a tattoo and you'll
12:27give him one at a discounted rate or I'm gonna tell everyone that your tattoo parlor sucks it doesn't suck
12:32look look oh my god are you all right honey are you okay honey get up hey are you all right
12:41oh lay down fall there you all right it's just the thought of getting a tattoo makes me faint look
12:47I got one of these easy zippo tattoo things they're really quick there you go take a look at that in the mirror
12:52I did a job for you wait a minute this is your name sorry I didn't mean to get so close to your eyes
12:57another million points for everybody I got a lot of points today we bought them at the Price Club
13:17uh now let's go on to a game called greatest hits this is for all four of you with the help of Laura
13:26Hall Linda Taylor and Anna Vensilius
13:30Anna Vensilius
13:32Linda Taylor, Laura Hall
13:34Colin and Ryan your TV voiceover guys and they're gonna be talking about the latest compilation album that's out
13:40and then they're gonna make up names of songs and Wayne and Chip are gonna try to sing the songs
13:44now what we need from the audience is something you'd look to find in the yellow pages
13:47dentist sounds like a great one dentist
13:53let's hear the album the album is songs of the dentist
13:59we'll be right back to our nature documentary
14:03lippy the lemming with an alternate lifestyle in just a second
14:07you know Colin nobody likes to go to the dentist
14:11but it might just be a little easier while listening to our three CD set with songs of the dentist
14:15oh are you kidding me
14:17oh are you kidding me
14:19no I'm not
14:21there's songs from all over the world on this
14:23including that number one salsa hit
14:25just say no
14:27the game
14:29oh
14:39oh
14:41before you put the drill in my mouth don't be so dumb
14:45you better use a lot of look they came to make my gums now
14:49cause if it hurts very much out I must pass
14:53oh
14:55and I don't want any of your laughing gas
14:59so say
15:00no
15:01the
15:02cane
15:03when you are feeling pain
15:04oh just say
15:05no
15:06no
15:07no
15:08the
15:09cane
15:14boy this is a great selection of songs Colin
15:17well we wouldn't be selling it if it was bad
15:19ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
15:49Hey, now I took the trip in the distance, I don't like him the best, but I had to make a visit cause I had an abscess. My little fillet here all stayed, and that's why he had to pull my bicuspid.
16:05Oh, it had to come out. Come on now. Oh, yeah. I said it had to come out. Hang on now. Hey, I tried to use a door knob of angel for gravity. Lord, try to help me pull that tooth cause of the cavity.
16:25Oh, my goodness really worked. It really was a triumph. Of course, he tried to drill. He really tried to pull. Oh, he made me scream and shout. Lord, it's got to come out. Lord, it's got to come out. Baby, baby, there ain't no doubt.
16:43Oh, ow. Boy, that song never fails to bring a tear to my stomach lining. Speaking of which, heavy metal. Oh. One of my, well, it's not my favorite, but I like it. It's that heavy metal classic. I ain't wearing no braces.
17:13Now look at me. I like to eat meat. I ain't mean. I think red meat. It's a really good treat.
17:33I'm in a lot of pain, eh. I should wear my retainer. I should wear braces.
17:42Yeah, yeah. I don't give a damn. Oh, why don't you just look at it? I really don't care if my two front teeth are crooked. Yeah.
17:50Don't want to just look at him. Yeah.
17:53It's not the wrong fool. I'm a little bit of a laugh.
17:58Yeah.
18:01Yeah.
18:03Yeah.
18:04I'll be right back while it was all right. Find where the winner is. Don't go away.
18:30Welcome back to Who Binds In Any Way. Touched winner, Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner.
18:41So, he's going to sit with that. The rest of us are going to do a hoedown.
18:45Yeah.
18:50We're going to do a hoedown.
18:51What we need from the audience is a suggestion of a type or group of people you hate.
18:55Car salesman. That's a good one. The car salesman hoedown. Car salesman. That's a good one.
19:03With the help of Laura Hall on the piano.
19:05So, Laura, let's do the car salesman hoedown.
19:13Yeehaw!
19:15Tulsa, Oklahoma. Salute!
19:17I went down to my dealership. I tried to buy a car. He tried to sell a lemon, but he didn't get too far.
19:29I found a lot of steels, and I found a lot of deals. And then I bought a Pinto, but it didn't have no wheels.
19:36Well, I wanted a Chevy, but I didn't want to get bored. And then I thought, maybe a Mercury, maybe I'll get me a Ford.
19:47But when it came down to it, I didn't make a fuss, and I didn't have any money anyway, so I just take the bus.
19:54I met a car salesman. He didn't have no ethics. And I believed his every lie. It really was pathetic.
20:09He did horrible things that no good man ever should. I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood.
20:16Oh, boy, those German cars, do they cost big bucks? I look at the price tag, and I am full of yucks.
20:28Oh, those Porsches more expensive than the others, unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers.
20:35Oh, brothers!
20:39Huh?
20:40Well, we don't have time for it. We'll find it after this. Don't go away.
20:46Hey, welcome back to Who's Man is Anyway.
20:49We're getting on the show tonight with Colin Rockery, reading the credits.
20:53Colin, I want you to read the credits like an angry school bus driver, an angry school bus driver.
20:57Thanks for watching, everybody. We'll see you next time. Good night.
21:00Dan Patterson, sit down! I told you already to sit down!
21:04Dan, I'll show you down here! Don't you spit gum!
21:07I can't see you, idiot kids!
21:10Sit back! Back! Back!
21:12I need you, Bruce Ryan! I need you, Keith Richman!
21:16All right, out of the bus!
21:18All right, there's more where that came from!
21:20I'm throwing you out of the bus!
21:23Out! Out!
21:27I hate you!