00:00this episode is brought to you in the format of an audiobook have you ever found yourself
00:07talking but feeling like nobody's actually listening or putting in hours of effort only
00:12to have it overlooked if you've ever felt invisible in your job or relationships you're
00:18not alone vanessa van edwards author of cues believes the root of this problem might be a
00:23lack of charisma she says charisma is the key trait that gets people to pay attention in her
00:28research she discovered that many of us unknowingly weaken our own charisma without it you can't truly
00:34express yourself or build lasting connections and that can limit your progress in almost every area
00:40of life the good news charisma isn't something you're either born with or without it's something
00:46you can learn van edwards explains that charisma is not some kind of magic but rather a blend of
00:53subtle verbal and non-verbal behaviors that shape how others see you in this episode we'll want to
00:58check you through how to build charisma from the ground up first we'll look at what charisma really
01:03means and how the cues you send both spoken and unspoken can either boost or harm it then we'll
01:09dive into the specific signals you should use or avoid depending on your personal style and strengths
01:15by the end you'll have a set of practical tools to help you show up in a way that makes others notice
01:21listen and genuinely appreciate you when you enter a room filled with strangers people form opinions
01:28about you within seconds they might not even know your name but based on the way you stand move or make
01:35eye contact they've already decided whether you seem confident friendly or someone worth talking to
01:41these fast impressions are triggered by the signals you unknowingly send van edwards calls this the secret
01:48language of communication she explains that every tiny signal we give off our posture our gaze how we
01:55carry ourselves speaks volumes before we even say a word these cues introduce us to the world long
02:01before we speak she also describes every conversation as a kind of cue contest you're constantly reading
02:09the other person's signals and they're reading yours think of a moment at a party where someone gives you
02:14a weak handshake and avoids eye contact instantly your brain says they don't seem confident this is
02:21where things get interesting van edwards found that the most charismatic people are those who strike the
02:26perfect balance between two kinds of signals warmth and competence warmth is about making others feel safe
02:33and comfortable through genuine smiles open gestures and a friendly voice competence is what earns you
02:40respect it's how you stand tall speak with clarity and show confidence the real magic happens when you blend
02:47both as van edwards puts it warmth builds trust competence builds respect and together they create charisma
02:55picture yourself in a job interview of course you want to seem capable that's the competence part but if
03:02you're so focused on sounding smart that you forget to smile or show any personality the interviewer might think
03:09they're knowledgeable but would i enjoy working with them that's the risk of displaying confidence
03:16without warmth now flip the script and imagine someone who's cheerful and friendly but struggles
03:21to answer even the basic questions about the job while their personality may be charming the interviewer is
03:27left questioning do they actually know what they're doing this highlights an important point too much
03:33warmth without the balance of competence can lead others to doubt your abilities on the other hand if you
03:39come across as highly competent but show no warmth people may respect you but they'll also feel uneasy or even
03:46intimidated a truly charismatic person strikes the perfect balance like a big brother figure
03:52someone you admire for their wisdom but also feel emotionally connected to a great real world example of this
04:00is keanu reeves the internet's universally beloved celebrity why is he so adored because he's found that sweet spot
04:07between strength and sincerity he's incredibly skilled and committed to his craft as an actor which shows
04:13competence but he's also grounded respectful and treats everyone from co-stars to fans with genuine
04:20kindness which radiates warmth vanessa van edwards takes it a step further by outlining what she calls the
04:27four levels of charisma a kind of roadmap that helps you understand where you currently stand and what you need to work on
04:34to grow more charismatic at the base level is what she calls no charisma this is when both warmth and confidence
04:42are absent people might perceive you as cold uninterested or unskilled even if that's far from true you might be
04:50brilliant and kind but if your signals don't reflect that no one will recognize it the next level is some
04:56charisma characterized by high confidence but low warmth many professionals fall into this category if you're
05:04someone who prides yourself on knowledge and ability you may naturally give off competence cues others
05:10will respect your expertise but the lack of warmth might make you come across as distant or unapproachable
05:16then there's the opposite some charisma with low competence and high warmth this type of person is
05:22often pleasant and fun to be around but because they lack the signals that convey expertise or capability
05:29people may hesitate to trust them with responsibility finally there's the highest level high charisma
05:35where warmth and competence are both strong this is where you earn both trust and respect people want to
05:41collaborate with you support you and follow your lead it's the level where influence and likability intersect
05:48so how do you climb this charisma ladder that's where intentional growth comes in
05:53van edwards insists that charisma isn't a fixed trait you're not stuck with whatever level you're at now
05:59it's a trainable skill and like anything else it improves the more you practice the first step is
06:05figuring out where you're starting from using the four level framework once you've identified your current
06:11stage you can begin strengthening the signals you're missing your goal isn't to become someone else it's to
06:18adjust your presence depending on the moment and the people you're with most people have at least a
06:24rough sense of where they fall on this scale but if you're unsure ask yourself honestly am i naturally
06:30someone who leads with warmth with competence or do i struggle to show either self-awareness is the
06:36foundation for leveling up your charisma you might be the kind of person who's warm easy going and instantly
06:44lights up a room but when it's time to share your ideas you suddenly freeze or maybe you're the
06:50opposite highly focused and deeply knowledgeable someone who naturally earns respect but often
06:56keeps others at a distance either way knowing where you stand is the first step to growing your charisma
07:03to help you strike that balance between warmth and authority van edwards offers a simple tool
07:08called the friend and expert test after any conversation ask yourself two questions did i make
07:14them feel like i'm a friend did i also demonstrate that i know my stuff if you can answer yes to both
07:21you're well on your way to developing true charisma let's say you're pitching a new idea start by opening
07:27with a relatable anecdote or even a quick joke to create a human connection then move into your data
07:34and arguments with clarity and poise in essence warmth opens the door and confidence gives people
07:39a reason to walk in and stay the signals you use don't have to be over the top or theatrical in fact
07:47the simplest gestures are often the most powerful if your goal is to show warmth focus on making others
07:53feel seen and valued that could mean offering a sincere smile nodding along while they talk or
08:00maintaining comfortable eye contact to communicate confidence it's not just what you say it's how you
08:06say it speak with intention pay attention to the tone and clarity of your voice but more importantly align
08:13your facial expressions and body movements with your words because when your body language matches your
08:19message people believe you when it doesn't your body almost always speaks louder than your words there's
08:26a reason for that research suggests that up to 93 of communication is non-verbal your body is
08:33already speaking before you say a single word in just a fraction of a second your facial expressions
08:38and gestures can reveal whether you're feeling confident tense or even disinterested so what exactly
08:45are micro expressions they're those fleeting facial movements that give away what someone is truly feeling
08:51often lasting less than a second but even though they're quick they carry a lot of emotional weight
08:58take a genuine smile for example known as a duchenne smile it doesn't just involve the mouth it also
09:04activates the muscles around the eyes if someone smiles but their eyes stay neutral chances are the smile
09:11isn't real and people can sense that to express warmth more naturally practice letting your whole face join in
09:18when you smile it instantly makes you seem more friendly and authentic another key expression to
09:24look out for is the raised eyebrow if you're telling a story and the listener lifts their brows slightly
09:29that's usually a sign they're intrigued or engaged but if their brows scrunched together or their lips
09:34tighten that might signal confusion or skepticism the fascinating thing is that these micro expressions are
09:41universal no matter where someone's from a real smile or a look of disgust means the same
09:47thing across cultures your face speaks a language that everyone instinctively understands let's shift
09:53our focus to the rest of your body van edwards reminds us that every movement you make sends a message
09:59are you coming across as confident warm or perhaps distant for people to trust you your physical
10:05behavior needs to reflect your words imagine saying i'm thrilled to be here while keeping your arms
10:11tightly crossed that contradiction it sends the opposite signal and people pick up on it right away
10:20posture is another powerful cue standing upright with your shoulders pulled back doesn't just make you
10:25appear more self-assured it also helps you feel more in control this is what van edwards refers to as
10:32power posing even when you're feeling anxious taking up space with an open and grounded stance can trigger a
10:38psychological shift that boost your inner confidence highly charismatic people often seem adaptable
10:44like social chameleons not because there are pretending to be someone else but because they're
10:50tuned into their environment they rid the room sense what others need and adjust their signals accordingly
10:56one person might respond better to warmth while another is drawn to competence knowing what matters
11:02most to your audience is essential to building real rapport and when you're unsure van edwards
11:08suggest leaning into warmth first warmth creates a quick emotional bond once that connection is in
11:14place you can bring in competence to establish credibility and earn trust the beautiful thing is
11:20charisma doesn't require perfection you don't have to reinvent yourself or fake a personality
11:26true charisma comes from being present being intentional and making others feel important it's about
11:33creating real human moments where people feel heard appreciated and inspired that's the kind of presence that
11:40that lingers long after the conversation ends
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