00:00In this episode of Let's Talk Psychology, we explore a personality trait that has the
00:08power to either drive you towards success or make your life feel overwhelming.
00:13Perfectionism.
00:14It's important to understand that not all perfectionism is harmful.
00:18Psychologists identify two main forms, one that supports your growth and another that
00:23makes every attempt feel like a burden.
00:25The positive form is referred to as personal standard perfectionism, PSP.
00:31This variation of perfectionism centers around self-betterment.
00:35You aim high because you genuinely want to, not because you feel pressured by others.
00:40Your ambition is internally fueled and you find joy in the process of development.
00:45Elite performers in areas such as athletics, entrepreneurship, and the arts often reflect
00:50this mindset.
00:51They pursue mastery because they are passionate about honing their abilities.
00:55On the flip side, the negative form is known as external concern perfectionism, ECP.
01:02In this case, perfectionism turns into a source of stress.
01:06Instead of reaching for excellence to grow, you're compelled by anxiety.
01:10Anxiety about being judged, failing, or letting others down.
01:14This kind of perfectionism doesn't stem from enthusiasm or drive, but from a need to dodge disapproval.
01:22People with ECP believe they must perform flawlessly to be accepted, appreciated, or loved.
01:27For many individuals, whether they grow into healthy or toxic perfectionists is deeply influenced by their
01:33upbringing and the dynamic they had with their parents.
01:36Those with ECP tendencies often came from households where mistakes weren't tolerated.
01:41Think back.
01:42Did affection or approval ever feel like it came with conditions?
01:46Did you get the sense that your worth was based entirely on your accomplishments or how
01:51well you performed?
01:53If so, you may have been led to believe that love had to be earned through perfection.
01:58Here's the issue.
01:59Perfection was never actually attainable.
02:02Regardless of how well you did, your efforts were never quite enough.
02:06Say you scored 90% on an exam.
02:09Your parents might only point out the 10% you missed.
02:12Or imagine you played a great match and helped your team win, but your parents still focused
02:17on a missed shot or the fact that you didn't meet their scoring expectations.
02:21With time, these experiences ingrained the belief that your parents' approval would always
02:26remain out of reach.
02:27When you failed, they magnified your errors.
02:31When you succeeded, they insisted you should have done better.
02:34Your brain eventually internalized the message that no matter how hard you tried, you could
02:39never win.
02:40Fixing mistakes lost its meaning because success never seemed to earn genuine approval.
02:46The true burden of toxic perfectionism lies in the fact that you have an intense desire to
02:51succeed in everything you take on.
02:52Yet, the instant you come across a mistake or setback, your brain enters panic mode and
02:59shuts down.
03:01Instead of confronting the issue head-on, you fall into a spiral of self-blame, delay action,
03:07feel hopelessly inadequate, or abandon the task altogether.
03:10There's a biological explanation for this.
03:12The medial frontal gyrus, MFG, the part of your brain in charge of decision-making and
03:18executive control, doesn't function optimally.
03:22If you experience external concern perfectionism, your brain is wired differently.
03:28As a result, it instinctively avoids or disengages when mistakes arise.
03:33In essence, your mind tries to shield you from the emotional pain of failure by backing off.
03:38That's why those grappling with toxic perfectionism often resort to procrastination or quitting
03:44at the first sign of difficulty.
03:46It becomes a means of self-preservation.
03:49In contrast, individuals who exhibit personal standard perfectionism, the more constructive
03:54form, have brains that respond very differently.
03:58When someone with PSP makes an error, another brain region steps in, the anterior cingulate
04:04cortex, ACC.
04:05This area acts as the brain's internal error monitoring system.
04:10Rather than causing a shutdown, it deliberately slows down your thought process, prompting you
04:16to evaluate what went wrong and how to fix it.
04:19In short, those with PSP manage errors with composure and treat them as learning opportunities.
04:25Once again,
04:26This divergence can often be traced to early life experiences.
04:32People with PSP usually grew up in environments where making mistakes was not met with harsh
04:37judgment.
04:38They weren't subjected to relentless criticism or unattainable expectations.
04:43When they achieved something, they received praise and encouragement.
04:47When they stumbled, their parents offered reassurance and helped them learn from the experience,
04:51instead of making them feel like failures.
04:55This kind of nurturing atmosphere trained their brains to view mistakes as a normal and essential
05:00part of growth, not something to dread.
05:03So if you find yourself trapped in the patterns of ECP, your brain will instinctively urge you
05:08to give up the moment things go wrong.
05:10The way to interrupt this cycle is to become consciously aware and accept the mistake rather than resist
05:16it.
05:17Doing so calms the MFG, enhances cognitive control, and supports completion of the task.
05:24Instead of dodging the error, face it.
05:26Instead of descending into self-doubt, ask yourself, what lesson is hidden here?
05:31Keep in mind that everyone encounters setbacks.
05:34The challenge is to ensure your brain doesn't stop you from moving forward through them.
05:38Moreover, it's important to recognize that PSP and ECP are not binary.
05:43They exist along a spectrum.
05:45Together, they produce four combinations that influence how you interpret challenges,
05:49what drives your actions, and how you find motivation.
05:53One, high ECP and low PSP.
05:56The approval seeker.
05:58The approval seeker is primarily motivated by a desire for external recognition and lacks
06:03solid internal benchmarks.
06:04Rather than striving for personal growth, this person centers their efforts around fulfilling
06:10others' expectations.
06:12Their feeling of accomplishment hinges on external validation rather than any sense of internal
06:17progress or self-defined goals.
06:19Take, for instance, a student who studies diligently to achieve high grades.
06:23If their hard work is overlooked or goes unacknowledged, they quickly become discouraged and may give up.
06:29This creates a problem as their drive is entirely based on external praise rather than a sincere
06:35passion for learning or self-betterment.
06:38Two, low ECP and low PSP.
06:41The disengaged.
06:43This profile reflects a mindset where an individual has stopped caring about both others and themselves.
06:48The underlying belief is, I don't care what others think, and I have no meaningful goals
06:54of my own.
06:55This blend leads to apathy, lack of ambition, and a sense of drift.
06:59Without either personal standards or concern for external expectations, there's nothing to
07:05propel action.
07:06A good example is a student who puts no effort into studying and ends up failing, not out of
07:12rebellion, but because they simply lack motivation and concern, both internally and externally.
07:17Three, low ECP and high PSP, the lone wolf.
07:22The third configuration combines low ECP with high PSP and is often described as the lone wolf.
07:29This person adopts the attitude, I operate by my own rules and only care about meeting my
07:34standards.
07:35I'm indifferent to others' opinions.
07:38At first glance, this can seem admirable.
07:40Independence and self-drive are strong qualities.
07:43However, relying solely on one's perspective isn't always effective.
07:47For instance, if you're an entrepreneur who focuses exclusively on your own ideas without
07:52taking into account market demand or customer preferences, your venture will likely fail
07:57regardless of your efforts.
07:59Similarly, in personal relationships, ignoring your partner's emotions and expectations can
08:04lead to conflict and distance.
08:06While external concern shouldn't dictate your life, it can still provide valuable insight, so long as it doesn't
08:13control you.
08:14Four, high ECP and high PSP, the balanced perfectionist.
08:19This final combination characterized by high ECP and high PSP represents the balanced
08:24perfectionist.
08:25These individuals hold themselves to high internal standards while also recognizing the usefulness
08:31of external feedback.
08:32Their guiding principle might be, I set high expectations for myself, but I stay receptive
08:38to critique in order to improve.
08:40My perspective matters, but I value others' input as well.
08:44For most people, this is the ideal mindset to develop.
08:48The way to reach this balance is to start with strong personal standards, letting your motivation
08:53originate from within, and then remain open to outside input because it can offer valuable
08:59insights that you might not see alone.
09:01This approach doesn't mean you must always listen to others, but rather that you thoughtfully
09:06weigh their feedback against your own judgment.
09:09For example, if an author receives critiques on their manuscript, they don't blindly accept
09:13or dismiss them.
09:15Instead, they assess whether the comments align with their creative vision.
09:19If it enhances the story, they integrate it.
09:21If not, they respectfully choose not to adopt it.
09:25The most important takeaway here is that even when working toward your own goals, it's natural
09:30to feel concerned about letting others down, and that's okay.
09:34You don't have to sacrifice one for the other.
09:37It's possible to care for yourself and still care about those around you.
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