00:00Chip Chantry returns to our studio. Good morning to you, sir. Good morning, back to you, sir. How are you? I'm doing wonderful. I'm ready. I'm ready to do this. Now, you raised a question, because I did this story earlier, and you raised a question about the woman asking people for $1,500 for the wedding.
00:27$1,500 for a wedding? Per person, because she had $15,000. She wanted a $60,000 wedding and asked everybody who was attending to give them $1,500. Are you kidding me? No, not at all. If I was invited, I would never pay $2,000. I'd pay $2,000 to be front row at a funeral. That's what I would do. Happily, I would pay that. Come on. It's a wedding. They do the same things every wedding. How can it be that expensive?
00:56And I'm really going to pay that to see them do their first dance. I feel like when I got married last year, we did it a little less traditional. We just made it fun. We didn't do all the speeches and the whole thing.
01:08My least favorite part is the cutting of the cake. We just had cupcakes. My wife wanted cupcakes. They cut the cake, and then they feed each other the cake, which is so stupid. And it's so cutesy. Who wants to watch a newlywed couple feed each other cake?
01:21I'd much rather watch a newly divorced couple feed each other cake. Just bring everybody together, sign the paper. Here you go, Kevin!
01:31That would be way more exciting. I would watch that at pay-per-view right there. $1,500 for that.
01:37I don't get couples. One couple, they're married, friends of ours, they just went to a swingers party recently, like a swingers event, which I don't get.
01:45Like, that's not my scene. I would not be able to handle a swingers party. Like, that's your thing. Great. That's wonderful. I would not. I don't even like regular parties, let alone a swingers party.
01:55Okay. Like, I feel like if I was at a swingers party, just like a regular party, I would still just end up on the stairs petting the dog.
02:00Like, that's right. You guys good up there? You guys alright? You just gonna pet the dog.
02:06I always want to be the first guy to leave a party, too. Like, I'm out by 10 p.m., let's go.
02:10And it's like, you always have to give your wife, your husband, your boyfriend, girlfriend the eye, and be like, hey, we're gonna get out of here.
02:14How do you do that at a swingers party?
02:16I gotta go find my wife up in a bedroom somewhere, open the door, be like, honey, want me to grab your jacket?
02:21Or find your jeans? How do we do this? What's the protocol?
02:29I'm a hypochondriac, too. I'm a germaphobe.
02:32Really?
02:32It's my thing. Yeah, I always wash my hands and all.
02:34I couldn't handle a swingers party. You know, I don't like shaking hands with people, let alone shaking anything else.
02:41I'm not a handshake kind of guy. I respect the handshake. I think it's how I was raised.
02:46You know, you meet somebody, you look them in the eye, you shake your hand. It's respectful.
02:48I just don't like the touching thing. Flu season's the worst for me. I gotta wash my hands.
02:53I wish there could be a non-touching version of that.
02:56A respectful thing, but just not. That's why I love Eastern cultures.
02:59Eastern cultures, they have the bow. I love the bow.
03:01Because it's like, I respect you, but stay the hell over there.
03:04You know what I mean? Like, get away.
03:06Is it anything? We could replace the handshake with something.
03:09Even the fist bump, you're touching a little bit.
03:10It could be anything. It could be blowing kisses.
03:13Blowing kisses would be great for me.
03:14Blowing kisses is the new handshake.
03:16Like, two guys meet each other on the street and be like, hey, what's up? I'm Justin.
03:20You know, nice to meet you.
03:22You know?
03:23Two CEOs, like, make a billion-dollar merger over, like, a big boardroom, like AT&T and Time Warner or whatever.
03:29He's like, we got a deal?
03:31We got a deal.
03:33He can't go back on it. He blew a kiss on it.
03:35Man's blowing kisses is his word.
03:36That's what my grandpa told me.
03:37Oh, my lord.
03:42And as a hypochondriac, I'm always so nervous.
03:44I'm watching TV all the time.
03:46And every commercial anymore is just about how we're going to die and the pills you need to take to put it off a couple months.
03:52And then all of the side effects.
03:54Yes.
03:54I love listening to the side effects.
03:55Oh, yeah.
03:56I'm just going to have diarrhea forever, apparently, no matter what I take.
03:59And I love the way they say, you know, take this pill, but if you're allergic to it.
04:03Well, how the hell do I know I'm allergic to a brand-new pill until I take it?
04:07Yes.
04:07Absolutely.
04:08Yeah.
04:08Then you've got to take two more pills to get you unallergic to it.
04:12It's ridiculous.
04:13My favorite new one is the eczema commercial.
04:15Do you guys know the eczema commercial?
04:16Oh, is that the one like, I'm okay?
04:19I'm okay.
04:19It's like, I'm okay.
04:20The red-headed girl?
04:21Yeah.
04:21And she's trying to put it off like she's embarrassed by it.
04:23Right, right.
04:24But it's always...
04:24So you learn things from it.
04:26And what I've learned from this commercial, apparently, is that if you have a friend who
04:29suffers from eczema, what you're supposed to do is loudly bring it up in the middle of
04:35a busy restaurant.
04:36Oh, Karen, your eczema is flaring up again.
04:39She's like, no, I'm fine.
04:40I'm fine.
04:41She's like, no, I think it's not.
04:42And I prepared a PowerPoint presentation for you and everyone in the restaurant.
04:46Yes, waiter, I'll have the Caesar salad.
04:48I'll scratch your arms over here.
04:49I'll have the salmon.
04:50She's got arms like an alligator.
04:53It's rude.
04:54It's rude.
04:56I'm not supposed to do that.
04:57Oh, my God.
05:00I try to be good, though.
05:02My wife is like, she's super healthy.
05:04She gets these...
05:05She reads a magazine.
05:06She eats very well.
05:07I try to eat better.
05:08She literally gets a magazine every month called Eating Well.
05:12It's called Eating Well.
05:12Okay.
05:13Just rub it in my face.
05:15That's like reading Flossing Monthly.
05:17Do it, but you'd really have to...
05:18She lays it around.
05:20I think she wants me to read it.
05:21She's always looking through the art.
05:22I'm just sitting on the other side of the room, just flipping through my copy of Donuts, Donuts, Donuts.
05:26I'm just sitting on the other side of the room, just flipping through my copy of Donuts, Donuts, Donuts.
05:26I'm just sitting on the other side of the room.
05:32I'm just sitting on the other side.
05:33I'm just standing on the other side.
05:38I'm sorry.
05:39I'm just standing on the other side of the room.
05:41We'll be fine.
05:44I'm done.
05:44You
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