Joakim, a journey of acceptance and self-discovery | Where Race Meets Religion - video Dailymotion

AsiaOne

As he grappled with identity and fitting in, Catholicism was Joakim's safe space. Now as an adult, he is trying to embrace his faith once again.   Watch more: https://www.asiaone.com/video

Transcript

00:00I graduated in 2000. I've not been back since.

00:07A lot of the buildings have changed, but the layout still looks a little bit similar.

00:13There's a lot of things to share, like do we have an hour or two for this?

00:22It's a bit of a story.

00:29Alright, so when I came in here, I was kind of wondering where's the canteen because

00:35the clock tower is here. That means the canteen should have been somewhere here,

00:40but it's not the parade square, which is interesting because back then,

00:44my parade square used to be here, where the car park is now.

00:47Then, to see that it's now become a secondary school general office and

00:52primary school general office. Back then, I only remember it only had one general office.

00:57I am just kind of wondering whether I can find my old classroom.

01:02My experience in this school is a mixture of positives and negatives.

01:07This path we're walking on, again, I think I might have gotten it wrong,

01:11but this is where, I think it's somewhere here or either there.

01:16It's where the discipline master's office used to be. I was a regular.

01:21Recess time, I had to be here with my lunchbox outside because they saw me as a disruptive kid.

01:27I had to do my math homework and math books or whatsoever outside the discipline master's office.

01:35So, as my friends were playing football in P5 and P6, I was the one doing math textbooks outside.

01:39I feel like we should sit down and I can really share with you more as I go about it.

01:43Okay, wow. Wow, okay.

01:51It definitely smells a lot cleaner than my time.

01:57And I hope not to break the chair.

02:01I think I was a bit noisy, a bit too, hey, look at me, you know, look at me.

02:06I wanted that kind of attention.

02:08I know there was a part of me that wanted to be that cool guy,

02:11wanted to be the guy that everyone liked in class.

02:13So, I think because of that and it's such a forced act,

02:18it led me to become something else.

02:20There were very little non-Chinese.

02:25I think for me, I was the only one that was like Korean-Indian, Korean-Indian-Portuguese.

02:29There was no hint of Chinese blood in me.

02:31Honestly, when I was in Primary 1, I didn't think too much about it.

02:34But as you got older and you realise like, hey, some of the insults that I'm getting,

02:37some of the banter that I'm getting is not normal.

02:41Like, I don't hear other people making fun of someone else's skin colour.

02:47So, some of the teachers will always say the words,

02:49oh, ignore them, ignore them, you know, they make fun.

02:51Just ignore them, don't give them fuel to add to the fire.

02:54I'm eight.

02:56How do you explain to an eight-year-old what ignore them is?

02:59I think that's very tough.

03:00I would stand up to my bullies, I'll push them.

03:02And they'll do what footballers do, they'll take a dive.

03:05They'll drama a little bit.

03:07Then everyone will be like, oh, joking.

03:09So, somehow, after that racial insult, when I react in not a good way,

03:15I get in trouble because I pushed him and I put hands on him.

03:18And back then, the teachers weren't really equipped to deal with these things.

03:24But I'm pretty sure it's different now.

03:26I'm pretty sure the schools want to give them the adequate knowledge

03:28on how to handle such incidents if there is a minority race in the class.

03:33Some of the teachers here were very supportive of me.

03:36They were very encouraging and say, actually, Joakim, you know, you're a good boy, you know.

03:40There's actually a teacher where I bumped into her,

03:44tapped me on my shoulder.

03:45It's like, Zhou Jing, my Mandarin name, Joakim Zhou Jing.

03:48And she goes, ah, Ding laoshi!

03:50Then she, wah, you still remember me?

03:52I said, yeah, I will never forget you.

03:54I told her my broken Mandarin.

03:59And I said this word for word.

04:02I know it's wrong and the phrasing is wrong.

04:04But I said, like, you really helped me out

04:06and you gave me a lot of good advice and support.

04:09I won't forget how you were very kind to me

04:12and you always stood by me and you're very supportive, you know.

04:15She tagged me in a picture, which I hope I have it here somewhere.

04:18We took a picture together.

04:20And she said, you know, I'm very proud of you.

04:21Good to see you doing well now.

04:23And I said, well, thank you very much.

04:24You know, it really means a lot to me as well.

04:28Yeah, it's still here.

04:30I think they've changed the layout a little bit.

04:32But this entire stretch here

04:35was where my Primary 4 and Primary 5 classroom were.

04:38So the reason why I remember where my Primary 4 class used to be

04:41is because the chapel is right here.

04:44The chapel is still the same, it's not changed.

04:46There were times where it might get a bit too much for me.

04:50And I knew this place would always be very quiet.

04:53So I'll come here.

04:54It still feels very surreal that

04:57this space looks exactly the same.

04:59I think they did not touch this space at all during renovations

05:02because the floor tiling and even the pews.

05:06I won't be surprised if it's from my time.

05:14So there'll be times during recess where, you know,

05:17you are an angry 6 to 12-year-old kid.

05:22Life gets too much.

05:24You're looking for some sort of healing and peace and comfort.

05:27Come to the quietest place.

05:28It's not the library, it's the chapel.

05:30I'll just sit here and, you know, tear up a little bit and cry.

05:33Then I'll look and I'll go like,

05:34why life is so difficult?

05:35Why am I getting bullied?

05:37But you're on the cross.

05:38I'm sure you must have had a tougher life than I have.

05:42I remember coming in here and I would pray for things like

05:46strength, peace, discernment.

05:50So I did find a bit of peace and solace here.

05:53And this became, in a way, my hiding place for a while.

05:57As I got older, I remember being a little bit

06:00sceptical about a few things.

06:02I had questions to ask.

06:03And I think everyone at a certain phase in life

06:07will have the same experience as well.

06:09Your journey with God is bilateral.

06:11It's just between you and God.

06:13Nobody else has to know,

06:15unless you want to share your journey and your destiny.

06:27Alright, so we're currently at New Age Bishan Park.

06:31But during my time in the late 90s and 2000s,

06:36especially in primary school,

06:38it wasn't like this.

06:40The McDonald's wasn't even here yet.

06:42It was just a patch of grass and primary school boys

06:45being primary school boys.

06:47One soccer ball, patch of grass, go and play.

06:50And we'll use our school shoes as a goalpost.

06:58I don't think there was...

07:00I don't think there was a difference on how I was treated.

07:02I think how they treated me in school,

07:06despite playing football,

07:08if there were insults or I did something that they deemed uncool,

07:11it might come out again.

07:13So I don't think there's a football joke-im

07:17or a primary school joke-im.

07:18It's just joke-im, joke-im.

07:28When someone asks me the question about

07:30which race or culture I identify with,

07:33I give the most cliché answer and say

07:36I think I identify as being Singaporean.

07:38Because I'm open to everyone's cultures and beliefs.

07:41I think the common stereotype is

07:43oh, you're Indian, that means you celebrate Tibah Bali.

07:45The answer is no.

07:46Yes, I'm Indian, but I'm Roman Catholic.

07:49We observe Good Friday, we observe Christmas.

07:52Anybody invites me over to their place for Chinese New Year,

07:55I'll go over and have fun.

07:56I'll win your money, I hope.

07:58If anybody invites me to their place for Hari Raya,

08:00I'll try to find baju and I'll wear it and go.

08:03I mean, I won't, of course, burn jawsticks

08:05or carry the Kaladi or whatsoever.

08:07But to be there in the moment, to embrace their culture,

08:10to embrace someone else's beliefs,

08:12I stand strongly for that.

08:14I think I never was confused about my religion and faith.

08:17I think I was confused about being accepted as a person

08:21or, you know, for my race

08:23or, for the lack of better two words, my skin colour.

08:26My religion never did play a part

08:28because when I was at church, it's really like

08:31if you're Catholic, you go through the same motion,

08:34you go through the same beliefs.

08:36There's no different way to do about it.

08:38Catholics come from all walks of life.

08:39You have Chinese Catholics, you have Indian Catholics,

08:42you have Eurasian Catholics.

08:43There are people from all races that come together

08:45to attend the same thing.

08:46So I didn't hear any like, oh, you know, you're black this

08:48or you're brown that or you're white that.

08:50I didn't hear that.

08:51In there, when you see people of different races

08:54praying to that same God that you believe in,

08:58I think it's universally accepted.

09:03I got older, past my 20s,

09:05where, you know, you had a bit of independent thinking.

09:07So I had plenty of questions and I,

09:09somewhere along the way, I kind of lost faith a little bit.

09:11I want to try to regain that same,

09:14that same belief I had as a kid.

09:16So yeah.

09:22So every Sunday, right,

09:24if I attend Mass with my mum,

09:26in the mornings or evenings,

09:28you know, she'll always insist to sit here.

09:32Like, right here.

09:34Like, joke for me.

09:35I was like, okay, but why so close?

09:37You know, just sit behind.

09:38No, no, must sit here.

09:39I was like, okay.

09:40So I'll be the quiet one.

09:42I'll just sit here and wait for a while.

09:44She'll come up the stairs,

09:45you know, she'll come up the stairs.

09:46I'll just sit here and wait for a while.

09:48I'll just sit here and wait for a while.

09:50She'll come up the stairs and she'll sit next to me.

09:52Yeah, this is where we sit.

09:54We are at Christ the King.

09:56This is the parish church that my mum and I

09:58would come to every Sunday,

09:59or at least I try to come every Sunday.

10:012015, 2016, I stopped going for a while.

10:07It's not that I stopped believing,

10:08but it's more of,

10:10there are just some things where I hear

10:12or some things that people practice

10:16that go to church,

10:17which I sometimes disagree with,

10:19or I also have a lot of questions.

10:21So I think it was Christmas of 2022.

10:24My mum, she was like,

10:26come with me.

10:28Come to church with me.

10:29Initially, I was like,

10:30Ma, you go, you know,

10:31let your journey with God and Jesus be bilateral.

10:34But upon her insistence and,

10:38you know, you want to spend more time with your mum, right?

10:41So I said, okay, I'll come with you.

10:43That could have been my first

10:45mass in a very long time with her.

10:47And then from then on,

10:48I tried to keep going regularly.

10:50Everybody, no matter what religion you're in,

10:53you might have questions.

10:55You might one day ask yourself,

10:57or even ask someone up there like,

10:58hey, is what I'm believing in correct?

11:00Is it, you know, the one true God and all that?

11:03So I believe you might go through a phase

11:05like that in life.

11:07And hopefully when you come out of it,

11:10you have more answers than questions.

11:12I feel that as an adult,

11:15if I didn't have faith in this period of time,

11:19I have this feeling I think

11:20I might still be the same person,

11:22stressed about how much is in the bank,

11:24stressed about where's my future going,

11:26stressed about, you know, what matters.

11:28I think having faith and having someone to believe in,

11:32someone to turn to when times are really dark and grey,

11:35someone up there listening to you,

11:37even though it shouldn't be the only case,

11:39I think it helps to ease the burden

11:41and also ease the stress.

11:42With faith, it makes the journey easier for me at least.

11:45Every Sunday is just a reminder

11:47to humble yourself in front of God.

11:49Remember that we are all sinners.

11:52Jesus died for our sins.

11:54Having someone die for your potential mistakes

11:58and your mistakes,

11:59I think that could be one of the

12:03more humbling feelings ever.

12:06Coming back to church was

12:08more of spending time with mum,

12:10but then now I've realised that

12:12I'm on my own journey.

12:14I don't really have the answers yet,

12:16but I acknowledge that I'm walking on my own journey.

Joakim, a journey of acceptance and self-discovery | Where Race Meets Religion

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