Everything Ilana Glazer Loves About Long Island

Condé Nast Traveler

Today Ilana Glazer joins Condé Nast Traveler to share her favorite things about Long Island. Glazer breaks down the best things about living on Long Island from Mariah Carey and Kevin James to The Hamptons.

Transcript

00:00Hi, I'm Alana Glazer, and today I'm going to show you some things I love about Long Island.

00:03We are going to discuss some iconic landmarks, colorful slang, and lovable Long Islanders.

00:20Okay, I'm going to take you through some places I love where I grew up.

00:25Oh, what if I rip it? What if I rip it off dramatically?

00:36Long Island is only two counties, and that's Nassau County and Suffolk County, and it's huge.

00:41It takes like three and a half hours, pretty much, to get from one end to the other.

00:45So I grew up in St. James, which is, oh, Smithtown Bay. Oh my gosh, Smithtown.

00:50Suffolk County North Shore. Oh, okay, so we have our general store in St. James. I think this is

00:55the oldest business on Long Island, the St. James General Store. And it's like, the truth that comes

01:01with is dark and deep. I don't know if it's haunted. I would certainly believe it. But it's

01:05just cute. It's like creaky, and it's got, you know, puzzles and candy and whatever. It's cute,

01:11if you can hold the complexities of what it means. One of my favorite spots is the David

01:16Weld's Preserve. First you go through this field, and there's like sort of wild grasses and like

01:20little bunnies like trying to not get caught having sex or whatever. And then there's like

01:24birds and cranes. And then you get to the very like foresty part, and it's just like really

01:28enchanting. And the trees are so tall, and you start to hear the water. I was a teenager just

01:35like going to this place, taking a slow walk through all the seasons, walking through the

01:39David Weld's Preserve, and it's just totally beautiful. Oh my god, there's literally like a

01:44cartoon Pixar monster that washed ashore. It's bonkers. It looked so fake and sensational. It

01:54seemed as though it was like planted there to make people think something was happening. But I think

01:58the science experiments are like leaking into the water and making monsters. Perhaps of the humans

02:06as well. Briarmere Farms. The thing I love about Riverhead is like you just drive along this road,

02:11and there's like farm after farm. And you're like, well, I get my pie at Briarmere, and then I get my

02:16blackberries at this. You know what I mean? Like you pick like the fruit up here and the veggies

02:19up here. And then when I'm in Brooklyn, I'm like, oh yeah, Satter Farms. I'm buying this like sort

02:24of plastic container of spinach. But then when you go there, it's like right there. They just picked

02:29it. You know what I mean? And I remember that spinach has a taste when I'm out there. Like so

02:34motivating to eat a damn salad, you know? It's not just like a cow chewing cud. It's like a delicious

02:41deep umami earthy experience. Spinach, you know?

02:48If you come to New York or you come to Long Island, here are some slang terms

02:51you may want to know. Okay, dead ass. Dead ass. You know, my high school boyfriend used to say

03:00dead tits. I don't know where he got that variation. I think from within. Dead ass is

03:06seriously, truly dead ass. Oh, schlep. Well, schlep is a Yiddish term, S-C-H, schlep. And it

03:18means to like haul ass around exhaustingly. Ugh, schlepping over here, schlepping over there.

03:23That's, to me, New York City is a fucking schlep. And to drive from point A to B on Long Island is

03:30always schlepping. Okay, brick. I have no idea what this means. Apparently it means extremely

03:37cold, which is happening less and less on Long Island these days. So not a clue, but brick,

03:43extremely cold. I'm 37, if that gives you context. And we'll see what I know and what I don't know.

03:47O.D. O.D. is like, you're going too hard on this thing. You're going extra, extra chill out.

03:53She O.D. Yeah. In slang, it just means like a little bit much. Go and O.D. Chill out. Respectfully,

04:01this is before someone says something disrespectful. Respectfully, I fucking hate your sister. You know

04:05what I mean? Like that kind of shit. Respectfully, fully disagreeing and insulting you. Respectfully,

04:11insert disrespectful comment thereafter. It's chivalrous before two men lose their minds

04:18on each other. I love that. I love that. Let him go.

04:25Mariah Carey, love Mariah Carey. She is just, oh God, she maintains such a sense of humor her

04:32whole life. I love Mariah Carey. And also for her to be like pigeonholed into this

04:36almost teen sex symbol, you know, so talented, holding it down in the music industry when

04:43God knows what the hell was going on. And she just stays so funny about herself. She is serving.

04:48Very good Long Islander. Harborfields High School. They're really proud. Is a really enthusiastic

04:53mom. Proud mama. I love it. Kevin James. Of course I know Kevin James is from Long Island. And I

05:01screamed it in his face the first time I met him backstage at Jimmy Fallon's show.

05:05The first time I kissed someone, it was like O.D. It was certainly O.D. because it was like,

05:11I was like so ready to have any sexual experience, but it was like a makeup for an hour.

05:16And I was watching Kevin James' special on Comedy Central. And this is the thing I told him when I

05:21first met him. And he was confused. Didn't know how he was allowed to react, which I actually

05:26appreciate. And he makes me laugh. Yeah, Edie Falco. Just love her. Serving Long Island Mafia

05:34like so hard. The town I grew up in has like a lot of mafia in it. You know what I mean? I would

05:39be at sleepovers, particularly one sleepover I remember and being like, I think this family is

05:45in the mafia. And they were. I just appreciated like, oh God, she made that look. You know what

05:50I mean? Like Julia Fox is chasing Edie Falco 20 years ago. I love it. Nurse Jackie held it down.

05:56Layered. Scary, honestly. Rosie O'Donnell. Yes. Rosie O'Donnell just did some like organizing

06:03and activism with me. And I really appreciated it. And I was just like, you've been my hero.

06:07I read your biography when I was in seventh grade and made a book report about you. And she was

06:12always a champion for children and remains a champion for children. Queer women. Powerful.

06:18Like what a fucking platform. Rosie walked so Ellen could run. You know what I mean? Like,

06:24oh man. A funny bitch. Flintstones. Remember that shit? What?

06:30The Long Island medium. I mean, I don't know, but she's very funny. And it's almost like,

06:34remember the Kate Gosselin haircut? And then Kate Gosselin haircut did acid or something. Like,

06:40that's a French manicure. You know what I mean? Like, which France? I don't even mean to like

06:47razz. I'm like genuinely confused. I love her confidence. I'll tell you that much. Look at

06:51that hand on that hip. And she's like screaming, singing. I don't know what's going on, but big

07:00heart. Thank you so much, Conde Nast Traveler, for taking interest in Long Island. Finally,

07:05I hope you had as much fun as I did. And before I forget, you gotta go see my new movie, Babes,

07:10in theaters now.

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