THE TRUTH ABOUT HEDONISM!

Stefan Molyneux

Take control of your life, don't be used by others. Sherlock Holmes discourages intelligent individuals from having children, visit freedomain.com/donate for more.  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free! Get my new series on the Truth About the French Revolution, access to the audiobook for my new book 'Peaceful Parenting,' StefBOT-AI, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and more! See you soon!   https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022  Brief Summary In this episode, we delve into the importance of taking control of our lives and identifying who benefits from our actions. We caution against being used by others for their own gain and share personal experiences to illustrate this point. We also discuss how the concept of Sherlock Holmes can discourage intelligent individuals from having children, perpetuating the enslavement of the intelligent class. For more insights, visit freedomain.com/donate.  Chapters 0:00:20 Defining Hedonism: Pleasure Seeking or Something More? 0:02:30 The Nature of Base Physical Pleasures 0:04:06 The Inherited Attention of Men and Women 0:06:23 Pursuit of Virtue vs. Hedonism 0:09:21 Chinese Parenting: Strict Rules and Conformity 0:11:05 Conformity and Emotional Dysfunction in Chinese Society 0:12:13 The Perception of Inequality and Meritocracy 0:13:41 Beginning of the Conversation 0:13:46 Monetizing Wholesome Moments - The Dad Factor 0:15:56 The Isolation and Challenges of New Motherhood 0:20:13 Breaking the Cycle of Repression and Justifying Childhood Repression 0:20:58 Past Trauma and Fear of Expressing Preferences 0:22:10 Exploring Needs and Avoiding Absolute Conclusions 0:22:37 Different Approaches to Love and Planning 0:24:07 The Insecurity of External Solutions to Feeling Loved 0:25:35 Identifying who runs your life: Reactivity vs. Control 0:28:07 Sherlock Holmes: Master Detective and Service to the Less Intelligent

Transcript

00:00 Good morning everybody, hope you're doing well.

00:02 Stephen Mullin here from freedomain.com

00:04 freedomain.com/tonight

00:06 to help out the show, thank you very much.

00:08 Great question

00:10 from a listener

00:12 and a member at

00:14 freedomain.locals.com

00:16 great community, says I'm struggling

00:18 to define hedonism.

00:20 Say it means being led by what I prefer

00:22 in the moment. A time-wasting

00:24 demon in me wonders

00:26 isn't everything I do

00:28 preferred in the moment? Even if I know

00:30 my actions are noble

00:32 and aligned with the pleasure

00:34 of others from a wide enough point of reference

00:36 isn't it still just

00:38 pleasure-seeking? The pleasure of

00:40 knowing that future generations will enjoy

00:42 the tree you planted, for a trite

00:44 example, is acted upon in a moment.

00:46 Smells like the beard

00:48 fallacy, just because I don't know the precise

00:50 moment when my scruff becomes long enough to be called

00:52 a beard doesn't mean I don't know what a beard is and can't

00:54 rely on the concept.

00:56 In the same way I can tell what hedonism

00:58 is by what it

01:00 definitely isn't within the bounds of

01:02 a sane everyday conversation

01:04 aimed at honestly transferring information

01:06 between human brains.

01:08 But besides

01:10 this common sense metric, is there an

01:12 even more clear and useful

01:14 definition I'm missing? Is

01:16 the better question, why bother with this?

01:18 Not to be self-abasing

01:20 that's a real possibility. This is a category

01:22 problem rooted in my own ignorance

01:24 and not to be taken as an excuse for silly

01:26 behavior. Thank you. It's a great question.

01:28 It's a great question.

01:30 Hedonism is the kind of thing you know it when

01:32 you see it but it's hard to define.

01:34 You know it when you see it but it's hard to define.

01:36 I obviously don't have any particular

01:38 final answer but I will tell you the

01:40 framework that I use to

01:42 talk or think about hedonism

01:44 in my own life and of course in the

01:46 lives of those around me.

01:48 Now,

01:50 hedonism

01:52 is when the pleasures

01:54 you take

01:56 are

01:58 physical and therefore

02:00 unearned.

02:02 So,

02:04 if you have a love

02:06 of chocolate and you grab a bunch of

02:08 chocolate and you eat a bunch of chocolate, then

02:10 you will feel a pleasure

02:12 but that pleasure is physical. It's

02:14 hardwired into your tongue, into your

02:16 sense, your taste buds, it's hardwired

02:18 into your physiology and so on

02:20 and so the pleasure that

02:22 you take is not something

02:24 you've earned. Now you can say, "Oh yes,

02:26 but you go and buy the chocolate." But you know what I mean, right?

02:28 So,

02:32 base physical pleasures, and by

02:34 base I don't mean there's something wrong

02:36 with them. I mean physical pleasures are an essential part

02:38 of life but by base I mean

02:40 it's just kind of hardwired

02:42 into you.

02:44 So, of course, sexuality

02:46 could work the same way.

02:48 The pleasure of sexual activity,

02:50 the pleasure of an orgasm is hardwired

02:52 into you. And again, that doesn't mean there's anything

02:54 wrong with it. It just means if those are the primary

02:56 pleasures that you're pursuing,

02:58 you are taking as

03:00 pleasurable that which you have not

03:02 earned.

03:04 It's an inheritance of nature.

03:06 It's an inheritance of

03:08 evolution and in that

03:10 sense, it's

03:12 kind of cheap, right? Stuffing your face

03:14 to feel good about

03:16 the food that you're eating is just

03:18 a base physical pleasure. The

03:20 endorphins that are released when you

03:22 eat, the

03:24 taste buds that fire when you have

03:26 sweet or salty food

03:28 or fatty food or whatever your preference is,

03:30 that's all hardwired. You didn't

03:32 earn that

03:34 pleasure.

03:36 It's an indulgence. And again,

03:38 I'm not an absolutist as far as this goes.

03:40 Nothing wrong with those kinds of indulgences

03:42 but you have to recognize that it's not

03:44 what you've earned. In the same way

03:46 if you are a woman

03:48 and

03:50 you have a nice figure and

03:52 you go out in

03:54 clothing that is really revealing,

03:56 you will get a lot of male attention.

03:58 But that male attention is hardwired

04:00 into the mind's

04:02 loins and nervous system of

04:04 the men. You haven't earned

04:06 it. It is simply something that is

04:08 hardwired into the men

04:10 around you and there's really not

04:12 much that you've done

04:14 to earn that. I mean men are attracted

04:16 to shapely figures and if you show

04:18 a lot of skin, you're going to get male attention.

04:20 In the same way that

04:22 if you are a guy and you've

04:24 got a great physique and you go out in some

04:26 expensive car, you may get a lot of female

04:28 attention but that's kind of hardwired

04:30 into women

04:32 as a whole. Like if you're a very tall guy

04:34 you'll get some female attention because women are wired

04:36 to look up and feel protected.

04:38 So it's not something that you've earned. You're just kind of strip

04:40 mining the inheritances of nature

04:42 and transforming that into

04:44 happiness or pleasure

04:46 for yourself. But it's

04:48 like a biological hack in terms

04:50 of like eating a bunch of sugar or

04:52 getting a lot of attention. We're wired

04:54 to like those things and so you're

04:56 just kind of strip mining the way that

04:58 the body works which you haven't earned.

05:00 As a woman you

05:02 haven't earned the fact that men

05:04 will be attracted to your figure.

05:06 As a man you haven't

05:08 earned the fact that women may be attracted

05:10 to your resources.

05:12 And so hedonism

05:14 to me is when you

05:16 chase as a personal pleasure

05:18 positive experiences

05:20 that you have not earned but

05:22 simply inherited from

05:24 blind nature. Now if you compare

05:26 that to say the pursuit

05:28 of virtue

05:30 and the promulgation

05:32 or the spread of virtue,

05:34 that is not automatic. That goes against

05:36 your instincts a lot of times. Your instincts

05:38 for safety and security and conformity

05:40 and acceptance and not

05:42 annoying those

05:44 who have a lot of power

05:46 over you and over others. So that kind

05:48 of goes against the grain.

05:50 And the happiness that you

05:52 will get out of the definition

05:54 and spread and pursuit of virtue

05:56 is

05:58 not exactly hardwired. In fact

06:00 you're kind of hardwired to avoid it.

06:02 Like the pleasure that you will get from having a more

06:04 slender frame and denying

06:06 the excess of

06:08 food that's around kind of goes against

06:10 the grain. Saying no to food kind of

06:12 goes against

06:14 the grain.

06:16 So the happiness that we

06:18 get by

06:20 actually earning things

06:22 by going against that which

06:24 is comfortable in the moment

06:26 is something that is not

06:28 hedonistic. Hedonistic is letting the pleasures

06:30 at the moment dominate

06:32 your decision making and

06:34 pursuing positive

06:36 experiences that are hardwired into you

06:38 rather than those you

06:40 generate through your own virtues and values

06:42 and decisions and choices and going

06:44 against the grain

06:46 of what we prefer.

06:48 So I hope that makes

06:50 some kind of sense. Like hedonism

06:52 is, it also has an intellectual

06:54 component as well. So hedonism

06:56 is, say, this,

06:58 Bob's argument really bothers me so I'm going to

07:00 ban Bob, I'm going to attack Bob, I'm going

07:02 to undermine Bob, I'm going to attack his reputation

07:04 and so on. That's a form of hedonism

07:06 because

07:08 you are not acting on a principle

07:10 which is that once you start

07:12 censoring people then

07:14 the censorship eventually will come back to bite you

07:16 and you render the human

07:18 condition much less navigatable

07:20 by blinding

07:22 people who are far-seeing navigators

07:24 and you reduce the quality

07:26 of decisions by reducing

07:28 the number of participants and so on.

07:30 So, all of

07:32 that stuff, it can

07:34 happen hedonistically that way

07:36 that we have

07:38 a natural urge to slap down something

07:40 which is offensive or upsetting to us,

07:42 it's hedonistic to do so

07:44 and it is moral to

07:46 refrain or avoid that

07:48 or defend somebody's right

07:50 to speak, even or perhaps

07:52 especially if what they say is upsetting

07:54 to a large number of people.

07:56 So, hopefully that makes

07:58 some kind of sense to you.

08:00 I wanted to mention to you, freedomain.locals.com

08:02 you can check out

08:04 my new show on

08:06 The Truth About Sadism.

08:08 The Truth About

08:10 Sadism and

08:12 it's really, really good.

08:14 So, I hope that

08:16 I hope that you will

08:18 check that out and I also hope that you will give me some

08:20 feedback on that.

08:22 That would be very, very nice.

08:24 Let's get some other questions.

08:26 Hey Steph, I've been

08:28 reading some books on the Chinese Communist Revolution.

08:30 Today, I was reading a part

08:32 about the emergence of the Red Guards.

08:34 These are mostly teenagers,

08:36 many of whom are from higher

08:38 class political backgrounds and

08:40 attend upper class schools.

08:42 Yet, in such

08:44 a short time, they were able to

08:46 switch from seemingly non-violent people

08:48 into murderous and sadistic thugs.

08:50 There are many accounts

08:52 in this book from ex-Red Guards who

08:54 explain how they progressed from being averse

08:56 to the violence to being the leaders of it.

08:58 How does this happen?

09:00 Well, I mean, obviously

09:02 it's a big complicated question and I won't be able to wrap

09:04 it up in a short show. Maybe I'll do longer

09:06 shows later.

09:08 But, if you

09:10 are a parent, then

09:12 what happens is you will attempt

09:14 in particularly in Chinese

09:16 culture historically,

09:18 you will attempt to

09:20 inflict

09:22 some pretty

09:24 strict and brutal social rules

09:26 on your children through aggression,

09:28 through violence, through ostracism,

09:30 through contempt, through

09:32 threats of abandonment, and so on.

09:34 And, this has been

09:36 quite successful over the course of

09:38 Chinese history. Six thousand

09:40 years of a pretty stable,

09:42 though we could easily say

09:44 stultified

09:46 society.

09:48 I mean, the first to invent gum powder,

09:50 the first to invent fiat currency

09:52 IQ tests for bureaucrats

09:54 and so on.

09:56 So, you get

09:58 a society that has a fair

10:00 amount of stability and

10:02 a massive amount of conformity, which

10:04 means that, I mean, if you don't allow for

10:06 progress in your society, you'll simply be taken over

10:08 by other societies that allow for progress.

10:10 It's one of these sort of

10:12 inevitable situations

10:14 that I talk about in my documentary

10:16 on Hong Kong, which you can get at

10:18 freedomeng.com/documentaries

10:20 So,

10:22 what happens is the Chinese parents

10:24 and I talked about this with the Asian Tiger Mom

10:26 and not to sort of throw them all into one bucket,

10:28 but there's a bit of a trend that the Asian

10:30 parents, East Asian parents

10:32 tend to be quite

10:34 aggressive in

10:36 conformity and

10:38 the pursuit of excellence with their children,

10:40 which does produce some

10:42 excellence, there's no question, but it also

10:44 does produce some

10:46 emotional dysfunction,

10:48 particularly emotional distance

10:50 and a feeling that if

10:52 you don't fit through particular

10:54 narrow requirements of society's expectations

10:56 that you are an un-person,

10:58 unworthy of

11:00 any

11:02 acceptance and love

11:04 within society. You're not loved for who you are,

11:06 you're loved for how you obey. Now, that has

11:08 produced, of course, a very

11:10 stable society

11:12 that lasts, of course, thousands and thousands of years,

11:14 but the problem is

11:16 that

11:18 it renders society

11:20 susceptible

11:22 to this kind of flip, right? So,

11:24 the more conformity that you

11:26 inflict upon society, and we're going through a brutal

11:28 series of

11:30 conformity

11:32 experiments, really, these days,

11:34 but the more you attack people,

11:36 the more you reject people, the more you scorn people,

11:38 the more you ostracize children in particular,

11:40 and you've got a conformist society,

11:42 but there's a deep wellspring of rage

11:44 against the harsh

11:46 and rejecting parents

11:48 that kicks into that society.

11:50 So, what happens is

11:52 it was relatively

11:54 stable within

11:56 China for thousands

11:58 of years, but

12:00 when the communists came in

12:02 and started to...

12:04 The communists are experts at strip-mining

12:06 resentment and turning

12:08 people against each other,

12:10 and

12:12 in

12:14 society where it's not a pure

12:16 meritocracy, I mean, even where it is a pure meritocracy,

12:18 not that we've ever really had it, but in general,

12:20 if a guy's richer than you,

12:22 the answer could be, "Well, he's

12:24 favored by God," or "He's superior

12:26 to you," or "He's harder working

12:28 than you," or "He studied more than you,"

12:30 something where you stay down here and he stays

12:32 up there economically, but, of course, the communists

12:34 come along and they say, "Well, the only

12:36 reason that he's wealthier than you is he stole from you

12:38 and your ancestors and he hates you and it's

12:40 unfair and it's unjust," and they just

12:42 start to work these resentments.

12:44 And this happens from

12:46 child to parent.

12:48 So, as long as the parents are perceived as

12:50 these half-God-like authority

12:52 figures and

12:54 they run the structure of society and you have to

12:56 conform with them in order to make

12:58 anything of yourself, in order to get married,

13:00 to have kids, to have a job, you have to

13:02 please these demigods of society,

13:04 as long as that's the case, then this

13:06 brutality against children, which inflicts this kind

13:08 of conformity, can be relatively

13:10 sustainable. But,

13:12 when you get outside influences coming in

13:14 to start to turn the children against

13:16 the parents, then all of that hidden resentment

13:18 of the massive amounts

13:20 of fairly brutalized conformity

13:22 inflicted upon the children,

13:24 then it blows up.

13:26 And you sort of get through that layer of

13:28 conformity and you get to the layer

13:30 of rage underneath, and then

13:32 that's fairly easy to turn against

13:34 the elder generation. And you can kind of see this happening

13:36 with the boomers

13:38 as well in the West.

13:40 Alright.

13:42 Somebody says, "I've been

13:48 recommended a lot of YouTube shorts of

13:50 moms being cute with babies that get a lot

13:52 of views,

13:54 which obviously supports their income by monetizing

13:56 these wholesome, funny, tender moments.

13:58 Oftentimes I notice they'll have an exchange with

14:00 a baby where the mom mentions the dad

14:02 is traveling often for work. Alarm bells

14:04 go off in my head. Why are these women making themselves

14:06 and their kids famous

14:08 while casually dropping, 'Dad isn't

14:10 around.' Why are their husbands letting

14:12 them?" Alright, letting them is a pretty

14:14 tough phase when it comes

14:16 to marriage, but

14:18 let's take

14:20 as charitable, we don't have to, but I

14:22 feel like I'm being hedonistic.

14:24 Let's take just a brief

14:26 look at

14:28 what might

14:30 be happening from the most charitable standpoint.

14:32 So the most charitable standpoint would be

14:34 women don't have communities

14:36 anymore. Like new moms

14:38 don't have communities.

14:40 So normally, the dads are off at work

14:42 or out hunting, sort of have to evolve. The women

14:44 all get together and they gossip and

14:46 they chat and they share baby

14:48 raising tips and they show off their babies

14:50 and it's a wonderful bonding

14:52 thing where women

14:54 can take a bit of a break from managing

14:56 the little death magnets of toddlers, babies and toddlers

14:58 and have other eyes

15:00 on their kids and have

15:02 a pleasant sharing of

15:04 a stitch and bitch or a

15:06 tea crumpets

15:08 and gossip.

15:10 And I don't say gossip

15:12 with any negative, I love gossip myself.

15:14 So

15:16 women would love to show off their babies

15:18 and would love to have this

15:20 kind of community for a variety of reasons.

15:22 We've all been atomized.

15:24 I mean we now

15:26 live these lives of

15:28 isolation even within our communities.

15:30 People don't know their neighbors. You've got all these

15:32 bedroom communities where everyone's off

15:34 at work and then the kids are in daycare

15:36 and they're not really allowed to play outside

15:38 and you just have these endless series

15:40 of daisy chain isolated

15:42 universes and people

15:44 and in particular women and in particular

15:46 new moms are just desperate

15:48 for any kind of community. And so if they post online

15:50 they get a lot of feedback, they get

15:52 a lot of love, they get a lot of "oh so cute"

15:54 and it warms their hearts.

15:56 It warms their hearts.

15:58 Now as far as the dads

16:00 traveling and so on, well okay let's say

16:02 the dads are traveling and let's say

16:04 the dads, I wouldn't say have to travel

16:06 but let's say that's just the way that their work has evolved

16:08 then the women would be even more

16:10 desperate for community.

16:12 The isolation that happens to

16:14 women who have

16:16 babies is

16:18 really really chilling.

16:20 It's the exact opposite of what

16:22 would be healthy and positive and wonderful

16:24 for new moms but the

16:26 isolation that new moms have

16:28 just alone

16:30 with babies

16:32 for you know 12 hours a day

16:34 14 hours a day

16:36 and then the husband comes home and he's kind of tired

16:38 and distracted and

16:40 that is just not the

16:42 way that things should have been.

16:44 I mean when I was growing up there was

16:46 I mean of course it was a pretty

16:48 neighborhood in a lot of ways like everyone

16:50 looked out for each other and

16:52 other people were fairly okay

16:54 disciplining you as a kid.

16:56 The values were pretty much shared in common

16:58 and I was raised

17:00 to some degree in

17:02 a collective format.

17:04 I would go out of my house

17:06 and I was just at the tail end

17:08 of the baby boom and there were always

17:10 you know 6 to 20 kids to

17:12 go and play with. We didn't have any money

17:14 of course but we would just go into the woods

17:16 we'd build forts, we'd make up games, we'd play

17:18 war. I write about this in my novel almost.

17:20 And

17:22 we of course didn't have any

17:24 central authorities. We made up our own rules

17:26 we enforced our own

17:28 rules of the game. Kids who cheated

17:30 just weren't invited to the next game or

17:32 were actively repelled like no you can't play you cheat.

17:34 So of course the idea that we don't need

17:36 a central authority to have rules

17:38 in society comes directly out of my childhood

17:40 where a bunch of 8 year olds with no

17:42 central authority were perfectly able to make up

17:44 complicated games and enforce all the rules

17:46 with only ostracism as

17:48 the methodology for punishing those

17:50 who cheated. So

17:52 the isolation that people

17:54 experience

17:56 and particularly mothers

17:58 new mothers experience is just

18:00 brutal. And of course it's partly by design. It's

18:02 in order to make sure that the women

18:04 go back to work right

18:06 to put their kids in daycare and go back to work just because

18:08 they need some kind of adult interaction.

18:10 And the parents

18:12 particularly the new parents were absolutely

18:14 not designed to spend our entire

18:16 days making goo goo gaga noises

18:18 at new babies. Like we're

18:20 designed to interact with

18:22 a wide variety of ages and

18:24 as part of that interaction is

18:26 taking care of our kids but we're not supposed

18:28 to be in a sense locked

18:30 in a couple of rooms in the suburbs

18:32 with a baby

18:34 all day and most of the evening. That's just not how

18:36 we're designed. I don't think it's healthy

18:38 but it's the way that society has

18:40 been herded. It's the way that society has

18:42 been forcibly herded.

18:44 And it's also of course

18:46 because people

18:48 I mean we have this

18:50 elder generation that

18:52 just is kind of hedonistic

18:54 they want to go on their cruises, they want to go on their

18:56 trips and their travel and they want to

18:58 go golfing and this and they

19:00 basically just abandoned their kids

19:02 and their grandkids a lot of times

19:04 whereas for me it's

19:06 like you know when my daughter gets old enough and she

19:08 has kids, I mean if she

19:10 wants me to and I hope that she will then I'll be

19:12 my wife and I will be right there

19:14 I'll be there to help and there to engage

19:16 and there to enjoy

19:18 I assume that it's just them

19:20 trying to reach out to some kind of community and avoid

19:22 the isolation

19:24 and solitude and loneliness

19:26 and kind of desperation

19:28 that happens. You know like if you've spent

19:30 12 hours a day, if you've just spent 12

19:32 hours with a baby, your husband

19:34 comes home and you kind of latch on

19:36 because you need that adult interaction

19:38 Hi Steph, how do you stop

19:40 yourself from falling into a past mistake

19:42 and learn to catch yourself? I almost got

19:44 into a relationship with a virtuous man, amazing

19:46 man, however

19:48 without stating certain things

19:50 I'd like for him to initiate

19:52 more planned things etc.

19:54 and instead people pleasing and not

19:56 going to bring it up, repressing, ignoring

19:58 and hating the anxiety in me

20:00 though it was trying to tell me something

20:02 and not asking

20:04 why I feel anxious. The only reason

20:06 I haven't said yes immediately now

20:08 and instead will be having a deep honest conversation

20:10 about what I need

20:12 what he needs

20:14 before is, sorry it's a little confusing

20:16 to me, is because my best

20:18 friend caught me and saved me. If I hadn't

20:20 such an amazing friend in my life

20:22 I would have just

20:24 repeated the past and repressed

20:26 what I wanted again. How can I learn

20:28 to catch myself so this won't happen

20:30 again? So the reason that you

20:32 have in my humble opinion obviously

20:34 the reason that you have

20:36 these bad

20:38 habits comes from your childhood

20:40 and comes because you're still justifying

20:42 some act

20:44 of repression in your childhood

20:46 you're still justifying some act of repression

20:48 in your childhood

20:50 and so if let's say

20:52 you don't express your needs, right? You don't express

20:54 your needs, you don't express your preferences

20:56 you would not express

21:00 your needs and preferences because

21:02 you would have had the expression

21:06 of your needs and preferences

21:08 attacked and humiliated in the past, right?

21:10 You would have been attacked and humiliated for expressing your preferences

21:12 in the past and somehow

21:14 you believe that that's still valid, somehow you still

21:16 believe that that's true. Well it's bad for you to have preferences

21:18 well preferences are dangerous

21:20 so you just haven't drawn enough

21:22 of a barrier between yourself and your past

21:24 which we usually do by just getting

21:26 internally and emotionally

21:28 angry and having a zero acceptance

21:30 policy for the abuses of the past

21:32 so that's number one. Number two

21:34 is the fact that

21:36 you have preferences doesn't mean the other person

21:38 has to change. I mean to give you this

21:40 liberating parachute in a relationship to jump

21:42 out of the flaming wreck of self-criticism

21:44 just because you have preferences

21:46 doesn't mean the other person has to change

21:48 your preferences might be crazy

21:50 mine might be crazy, it might be neurotic

21:52 the fact that you have preferences

21:54 I really need you to initiate more

21:56 it's like how do you know

21:58 how do you know that's what you really need

22:00 right?

22:02 Now you can honestly say I feel

22:04 some frustration with you not initiating more

22:06 that doesn't mean you have to I'm just saying that

22:08 and that's a very interesting conversation

22:10 but don't present conclusions in a

22:12 relationship particularly when you have a complicated

22:14 past. You don't know, I don't know

22:16 it's a topic to be explored it's not

22:18 an absolute to be inflicted

22:20 right so you said

22:22 what does he say I want to

22:24 I want him to

22:26 for him to initiate more plan things etc

22:28 okay so you want him to

22:30 plan things so that what you feel

22:32 loved

22:34 there are plenty of people who plan

22:38 things for others who don't love them

22:40 and there are plenty of people who love others

22:42 who don't plan for things

22:44 so he's a man

22:46 right so he's out

22:48 there wrestling resources from the world

22:50 he's not out there planning

22:52 how many balloons he's going to have for your

22:54 five month dating anniversary

22:56 like that's just not how we

22:58 we don't do those kinds of things so now

23:00 you say well the way that I take care

23:02 of a man is to plan his birthday

23:04 party and to take initiative

23:06 and that's how I show him I care and it's wonderful

23:08 there's nothing wrong with that

23:10 but don't expect a man to be like you

23:12 I mean you like a man

23:14 you're attracted to men because they're different from you

23:16 and there's a funny thing that happens where we attract

23:18 we're attracted to people who are different

23:20 from us and then we

23:22 expect them to be like us

23:24 so we're unloved I mean

23:26 if the man's going to work and paying the bills

23:28 that's his love that's his affection

23:30 it's not well you know

23:32 you haven't planned any outings

23:34 to the opera lately and it's like well no that's not

23:36 that's how a lot of women do it and I think

23:38 it's great but it's not how a lot of men do it

23:40 and

23:42 the fact that you have needs

23:44 usually has to do with not

23:46 feeling loved like if the man's with you

23:48 he cares about you he pays the bills or he does

23:50 other things that show his affection and devotion

23:52 he's monogamous he tells you he loves you

23:54 then you're loved

23:56 all these gestures and so on

23:58 that's to manage insecurity that comes from

24:00 the past and a man will often

24:02 recoil from that hole

24:04 with no bottom so if you as a woman

24:06 say well I just need you to initiate more

24:08 otherwise basically I don't feel loved

24:10 it's like okay now I have

24:12 two jobs I have a job where I

24:14 go to work and pay the bills and now I have another job

24:16 initiating things at home and also

24:18 if you don't feel loved by

24:20 the man's base affection and

24:22 consideration and devotion then

24:24 him going through the mechanical process

24:26 of planning things or

24:28 initiating things or whatever

24:30 that's not going to make you feel loved because the problem is

24:32 you have difficulty feeling loved

24:34 if you have difficulty feeling loved

24:36 asking other people to jump through hoops

24:38 won't work it won't work

24:40 it will never there is no external

24:42 solution to the problem of insecurity so you say well

24:44 I don't feel loved but if he planned things more

24:46 and did more things for me then I'd

24:48 feel loved and it's like but you won't

24:50 you won't all that will happen is

24:52 he will plan things and they'll somehow be the wrong

24:54 things he'll plan things and it's not at the right time

24:56 or he'll plan things and you're not going

24:58 to be in the mood or he plans

25:00 things and it's too expensive or he plans things

25:02 and it's not expensive enough like

25:04 men generally recoil

25:06 from jumping through hoops to please a woman

25:08 because it will

25:10 never please her because the problem is

25:12 internal it's not based upon

25:14 history so

25:16 don't ask other people to fix

25:18 your internal states don't

25:20 ever ask people to fix your internal states

25:22 that is I mean honestly it's like

25:24 saying well I'm hungry honey you

25:26 eat something right like they can't fix

25:28 your internal hunger and you're just

25:30 going to get more mad at them if you take that approach

25:32 so

25:34 let's see

25:36 here how do you identify who

25:38 runs one's life if you are reacting

25:40 this is a quote from me if you are reacting

25:42 you are not in control of your life so who

25:44 runs your life those who force you to be reactive

25:46 so

25:48 the simple I think

25:50 the simple metric is to do the following

25:52 if it doesn't benefit me

25:54 if it doesn't benefit me

25:56 who does it benefit?

25:58 who does it benefit?

26:00 it's the first thing you do when looking at a crime is

26:02 who benefits right I mean the husband

26:04 a wife dies and the husband inherits

26:06 a million dollars or gets a million dollars

26:08 in life insurance okay so he benefits

26:10 she obviously

26:12 doesn't benefit because she's dead

26:14 he benefits right let's say she

26:16 was murdered right so he benefits

26:18 so you look at that that's not absolute proof but it's the

26:20 first place to look right so

26:22 if you

26:24 are

26:26 in a relationship with the wrong

26:28 person I mean I think we've all been there

26:30 in a relationship with the wrong person

26:32 then who

26:34 benefits well the person you're in the relationship

26:36 with benefits and

26:38 if other people aren't trying to tell you this is the wrong

26:40 relationship don't do it

26:42 then they benefit in some manner

26:44 you don't benefit from being in the wrong relationship

26:46 you'll get some secondary gains and all of that but

26:48 you don't fundamentally benefit from being in a relationship

26:50 that's not making you happy

26:52 with a woman who's not virtuous or a man who's not

26:54 virtuous so who benefits?

26:56 so who

26:58 benefits?

27:00 so you look at something and say

27:02 is this good for my life or bad for my life

27:04 is this positive or negative

27:06 if it's negative for your life

27:08 then it must be positive for other people because we

27:10 don't act completely randomly and we certainly don't

27:12 act in consistently self-destructive

27:14 ways so self-destructive

27:16 means to benefit others

27:18 right so if

27:20 you've got some skeevy guy who's

27:22 trying to get you to invest in his online

27:24 soap carving business

27:26 then of course he wants you to invest

27:28 and if you

27:30 don't want to invest it's negative

27:32 for him and if other people are convincing you

27:34 to invest then it's beneficial

27:36 to them in some way it's not beneficial

27:38 to you because it's kind of skeevy and there's no

27:40 paperwork and you know whatever there's no

27:42 guy who won't do any contracts it's all just

27:44 handshake and won't look you in the eye or whatever

27:46 so just look at who benefits

27:48 who benefits so when I was dating

27:50 the wrong person other people who

27:52 had a hostility towards philosophy

27:54 were encouraging me to continue dating so that they

27:56 could say that philosophy leads to ruin so that

27:58 they could avoid their own avoidance of philosophy

28:00 so I hope

28:02 that helps

28:04 thoughts on Sherlock Holmes

28:06 um

28:08 so Sherlock Holmes is

28:10 of course a master detective

28:12 and the

28:14 purpose of Sherlock Holmes is

28:16 to convince

28:18 hyper intelligent people

28:20 to serve

28:22 the less intelligent and the less able

28:24 and to not have children themselves that is

28:26 the very very high

28:28 intelligence should be used

28:30 in the service of the much less intelligent

28:32 and you shouldn't have any

28:34 kids that you are a piece of

28:36 livestock that you are a service

28:38 animal for the less

28:40 intelligent because of course Sherlock Holmes is a

28:42 total genius who goes around

28:44 runs around solving everyone

28:46 else's problems he has no life of his own and he

28:48 never has kids so it's

28:50 programming the intelligent to be in the

28:52 service of the less intelligent and for heaven

28:54 sakes not to have not to

28:56 have kids so it's about

28:58 the enslavement

29:00 stuff so alright well I hope this helps

29:02 just wanted to drop by for a quick chat thank you

29:04 everyone so much freedomain.locals.com

29:06 I hope that you find this helpful and

29:08 interesting if you would like to help out the show

29:10 I'd really really appreciate it January is a little

29:12 bit of a lean month as it usually is after

29:14 Christmas so freedomain.com/donate

29:16 lots of love take care I'll talk to you

29:18 soon bye

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