00:00 I wrote trauma as a sort of letter to myself.
00:04 I wanted it to serve as a reminder
00:06 that I shouldn't let my past define who I am
00:09 and who I want to be.
00:11 (upbeat music)
00:13 So I was actually a little bit apprehensive
00:19 about sharing this with people at first,
00:22 because obviously it's a very personal experience I have.
00:26 And part of me wanted to keep it that way,
00:27 but I feel like getting it out there,
00:31 it'll help my fans, help others know
00:33 that they aren't alone in their trauma.
00:37 ♪ Growing up, I never had a lot of money ♪
00:41 ♪ I never had a phone, always was a little hungry ♪
00:43 ♪ Used to find it hard to sleep ♪
00:44 ♪ When I could hear my mother sobbing ♪
00:46 ♪ I was 10 back then ♪
00:47 I grew up in poverty for most of my childhood.
00:50 I didn't get to have a lot of things.
00:52 I didn't get to have my own bedroom.
00:53 My little brother and I,
00:55 our beds were like literally in the living room.
00:57 And there were nights where my mom,
00:59 she'd come sit at the dining table,
01:00 which was also in the living room.
01:02 She'd just like cry for hours.
01:04 But the school did give discounted lunch prices to us.
01:10 So it wasn't all that bad.
01:11 ♪ I didn't have a room, had to buy you shoes ♪
01:13 ♪ I hid behind tunes to avoid abuse ♪
01:16 ♪ And every time I fell, I would blame it on myself ♪
01:18 ♪ Even if it was an accident ♪
01:20 I felt like a lot of things were just my fault.
01:22 Like I would blame myself for not having money.
01:25 Like it was my fault.
01:26 Even if it was accidental,
01:27 if I did something like a mistake,
01:29 a simple mistake that everyone makes,
01:30 I would take it so personally
01:32 and sort of hate myself for making this mistake or accident.
01:55 I feel like people are always judging me
01:58 and always thinking things about me,
01:59 but it's just not true.
02:01 People don't give a fuck.
02:02 Everyone's just living life the same way you are.
02:24 There are a lot of times in my life
02:26 where I just want to give up.
02:29 The biggest thing for me was realizing
02:31 that I can ask for help.
02:33 You can ask for help.
02:35 There are people out there who want to help you.
02:37 That verse is just like pretty much about high school.
02:48 High school was rough.
02:49 I felt like I was worthless
02:52 or like I wasn't worth as much as my peers.
02:56 When I write about wanting to be dead and masking it,
03:13 I mean it metaphorically.
03:15 I wouldn't tell people about how I felt.
03:17 And as evidenced by this, I'm literally wearing a mask.
03:22 Because it's all I know, my hands around my throat.
03:27 Pray that I won't let go this time around.
03:31 But every single time I try to shut my eyes,
03:36 I see the reason why I'm not alone.
03:39 Growing up, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts,
03:42 especially in high school.
03:44 My parents were arguing and fighting all the time.
03:47 My friend group was very toxic.
03:49 Toxic.
03:51 And I was getting bullied
03:52 and getting into physical fights with people.
03:56 And overall, it was just not a good state of mind to be in.
03:59 But I think throughout all of it,
04:01 the silver lining is that all these experiences
04:03 helped shape the person I am today.
04:05 I'm working on taking this trauma
04:08 and the bad things that have happened to me
04:10 and turning it into music.
04:13 I'm working on an album, actually.
04:15 It's a very, very personal project
04:17 of things that have happened to me in my past and my traumas.
04:21 And I hope that people, when they listen to it
04:24 and the songs in it, that they really resonate
04:28 and feel that they are not alone in their experience.
04:33 This has been therapeutic to talk about.
04:36 This sort of thing usually costs me money.
04:38 It's like, "I'll give you $50 per session."
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