Little Britain by According to Jim - Dailymotion

According to Jim

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00:00This is Vicky Pollard. She's one of Britain's most beautiful women.

00:06Are you the news Asian? Yeah.

00:08Do you like to do the lottery here or something, Nathan?

00:10Yeah, you can buy your ticket here.

00:12Yeah, but I don't need to, because I actually won the whole jackpot on that.

00:14Really? Yeah, I've got my ticket right here.

00:16Oh, yeah, and it was a Saturday one, not a Wednesday one,

00:18because the money's well nothing on a Wednesday.

00:20It's like only a million quid. It's well not worth the stress.

00:22Oh, yeah, and I definitely won it, and if Colin McGovern says I'm lying,

00:24then don't listen to her, because she's got one of them nut allergies,

00:26because one time we was all round the back of Nando,

00:28and she had a peanut revel, only I thought it was a coffee one,

00:30and she ate it, and she had to go to hospital, and she nearly died,

00:32and she will blame me for it, and I'm like, it's not my fault you're so gay

00:34you can't even eat a peanut.

00:36You made this yourself.

00:38New, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but,

00:42new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but,

00:46I did, but I didn't, but I did, but I didn't,

00:48because I couldn't, because I was actually busy doing

00:50two million hours of community service, and anyway,

00:52I couldn't have made it myself, even if I'd actually wanted to,

00:54actually, because I can't read or write, because I'm like,

00:57Stop wasting my time.

00:59Oh, my God, I still can't believe you just said that.

01:01You actually owe me 50 billion pounds or something like that.

01:04Your ticket is not valid.

01:06All right, 10 million quid and a bag of disco.

01:09Out.

01:10500 quid and a candy surprise.

01:12Go.

01:13Four pack of breezers.

01:14No.

01:15Chomp.

01:16No.

01:17Bag of skips, and I'll give you a gob job.

01:18Oh, my God, you have so lost a good customer.

01:20I have always been here, Rob-Anne.

01:23I'll take you for one hour.

01:30Can't ask for that.

01:31Over at Hillgrange, former mistress of Prince Philip,

01:34Bubbles de Vier, is undergoing some acupuncture.

01:37I tell you, dear darling, I can't wait to see the back of both of them.

01:40Just as well, Miss Bubble, because I just saw them leaving.

01:43What?

01:45Dreadful place.

01:47Faulty.

01:49We could have the luggage in the Merc, please.

01:52So you're leaving us early, Mr de Vier?

01:54Yeah, I'm afraid so.

01:55Yes, that bitch has ruined our honeymoon.

01:57Darling, please, don't make a scene.

01:59I'll make a scene if I want to, baby.

02:02You didn't even come to say goodbye.

02:07I was going to.

02:08I thought it's better if we just slipped away.

02:11Where is he?

02:17Goodbye, then, Rob-Anne.

02:20Goodbye, Bubbles.

02:24Don't be, Rob-Anne.

02:25One last time.

02:27I can't.

02:28Why not, darling?

02:29Because you're covered in needles.

02:32Rob-Anne, he's staying with me, baby.

02:34He's mine. All mine.

02:44Britain can proudly boast the dirtiest beaches,

02:47the most disappointing views

02:49and some of the flattest hills in the world.

02:52But still, some Britons choose to book holidays abroad.

02:55I'd like a round-the-world cruise, please.

02:58Leaving in March, returning in September.

03:01Travelling first class for about 700 pounds.

03:10Computer says yes.

03:14Ahem.

03:18Bye, Rob-Anne.

03:25Meanwhile, in Herby, Lou has something upsetting to tell Andy.

03:30How's your toast?

03:31Too buttery.

03:35Now, you remember I told you my mum was very ill?

03:40Yeah, I know.

03:41Well, I'm sorry to say that she passed off during the night.

03:44Can't see the telly.

03:46Oh, sorry.

03:48So, I'm going to have to go back to the Isle of Wight for a few days

03:52to look after my dad and sort out all the funeral arrangements.

03:55So selfish. What about me?

03:58Well, I'll spoke in the social services

04:00and arrange some temporary cover for the week.

04:02But I'll make it when you're here.

04:04Oh, I'm sure the lady they'll be sending will be very nice.

04:07KNOCKING

04:08Oh, she's early.

04:12Hello, you must be Mrs Mead.

04:13Yes, yes, I've no time for niceties. Where is he?

04:15Oh, just through here.

04:17Good morning, Mr Pipkin.

04:19Andy, this is Mrs Mead.

04:21I don't like her.

04:23Oh, come on, Andy, don't be rude.

04:25I don't care whether he likes me or not.

04:27Well, I'd better be off.

04:29Here are the keys, Mrs Mead. I'll call you in a few days.

04:33Bye, Andy.

04:34Don't go.

04:39This place is a pigsty.

04:42We're going to clear it up.

04:44You do the bottom shelf and I'll do the top.

04:49Come on.

04:53Next, we visit Oldhaven, where transvestite Emily Howard

04:56is relaxing at home with a book.

04:58I like to relax by saying cruel and hurtful things

05:01to my elderly mother.

05:04One moment, dear.

05:06Oh, no.

05:11Oh, Florence.

05:14It's Fred.

05:16What are you dressed as? You look most peculiar.

05:19We need to talk.

05:20Well, come in, then.

05:22Look, I can't stop. I just came to say goodbye, really.

05:25Goodbye?

05:27My wife came home from the pub and found me trying on her wedding dress.

05:30She hit the roof. She says she's had enough.

05:33But together we fooled the world.

05:35Everywhere we went, people were enchanted

05:37by our feminine charms and beauty and shit.

05:40You were always better at it than me, anyway.

05:42But we have...

05:43Look, Maureen's in the car. I'd better go.

05:45Sorry.

05:47Oh, one moment. I have something for you.

05:51What is it?

05:53Un petit moment.

05:57Come on, Fred.

05:58I'll be a minute, love.

06:03Oh, it's silk.

06:05Yes, antique.

06:07Well, it's very nice, but I couldn't possibly...

06:09You love it. You know you love it.

06:14Well, perhaps I could just try it on for a moment.

06:18Come in, Florence, my dear.

06:20Thank you, my darling.

06:22Maureen?

06:23Yes?

06:26If you were a young person

06:28who wishes to eat only chilli con carne for three years

06:31and then spend the rest of your life in debt,

06:33why not go to university?

06:36I just want to defer a year

06:38cos I decided to run for student union president.

06:40Oh, good luck.

06:42I think there's a form you need to fill in.

06:44Martin will know.

06:49Martin Itzlender,

06:51is there a form you need to fill in

06:53if you want to defer a year?

06:55It's Roland Burrell.

06:57How can I describe him?

07:00Glasses, colourful shirts.

07:02Not keen on salad.

07:04Think Eddie Murphy in The Clumps.

07:07Makes you want to say,

07:09Roland, I only want to help you, Roland.

07:12Would make a great Barry White and stars in their eyes.

07:15That's right, fatty, fatty bum bum.

07:18He just goes straight out.

07:21He just goes straight out.

07:23Thanks a lot.

07:25Pleasure.

07:27Hey, fatty bum bum.

07:29Sweet sugar dumpling.

07:32Oh, Mary Mother of God, look at that.

07:35This candlestick holder is filthy.

07:37It looks like it's never been cleaned at all.

07:39Yeah, I know.

07:41You've been in that there chair for many years, have you?

07:44Yeah.

07:46The world works in mysterious ways.

07:50And you've no feeling in your legs whatsoever?

07:52No.

07:54You can't feel this?

07:58No.

08:00What about this?

08:02No.

08:04And not even this?

08:08No.

08:10Poor thing.

08:12Right.

08:14I need some more Brasso.

08:16Ow.

08:18Ow.

08:22If you think you might become ill in six weeks' time,

08:25then why not book an appointment today with your local GP?

08:29Carla, would you bring the next patient in, please? Thank you.

08:33Ah, Mrs Emery. Nice to see you again.

08:36Hello, Doctor. Spit her out.

08:39Yes. So, what seems to be the trouble?

08:41I've got a bit of a problem, Doctor.

08:43Right.

08:45It's my knee. It's a little bit sore.

08:47Right. Well, we'd better have a look at you, hadn't we?

08:49We'll stand up over here.

08:51Right.

08:53Ah, yes, yes, it does look a little sore.

08:56Have you bended at all?

08:58Well, the other night,

09:00I knelt down from under the television set

09:03and I must have put too much weight on my knee

09:06cos I felt something go.

09:08Are you sure it's just the knee that's troubling you?

09:10Yeah, just the knee, Doctor.

09:12Well, if you can just sit down for a moment, please.

09:15Oh, that's a nice painting. Is it a Turner?

09:17Ah, yes, yes, it is.

09:23Oh, the chair's a bit damp.

09:26Yeah. Well, I'm going to give you fluoxidazolam,

09:28which is an anti-inflammatory.

09:30If the swelling hasn't gone down within a week,

09:32come back and see me again.

09:34Oh, thank you, Doctor.

09:38Now, Mrs Emery,

09:40are you sure there's nothing else troubling you?

09:43I can't think of anything.

09:45Could have brought your attention, but otherwise I'm fine.

09:47Cheerio.

09:53No, this isn't a zoo.

09:55These are not elephants.

09:57They are, in fact, human beings.

09:59Yeah, don't get too carried away.

10:01She's still a monster.

10:03As we pay our final visit to Fat Fighter.

10:06She's such a pretty face, isn't she?

10:08In the middle there.

10:11Oh, you've gone up two pounds.

10:13Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?

10:16Do you want to somehow drag yourself back to your seat?

10:19You see, your problem is, Pat,

10:21you're a classic yo-yo dieter.

10:23You go up and down.

10:25See, you've got your good foods over here.

10:27You've got your lettuce, your Avita, your dust.

10:30And over here, you've got your bad foods.

10:32Your chocolate, your crisps, your cake.

10:34Oh, fancy, Pat, because she loves the cake.

10:36And here's you, stuck in the middle,

10:38stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two.

10:44You've drawn me as a pig.

10:46Oh, sorry.

10:52Do you know what? I don't need this any more.

10:54I'm not losing weight.

10:56Every time I come, you're horrible to me.

10:58That's enough.

11:00What? No, go on.

11:02Well, apologise. Say sorry, then.

11:05Say what? Say sorry.

11:08What? Say sorry.

11:10No, I can't. Do it again.

11:12Say sorry. Do it again.

11:14Say sorry. Do it again.

11:16Say sorry. Do it again.

11:18Just say sorry to her!

11:19How would you want me to say sorry?

11:21Why didn't you say that? I did.

11:23Do it again. I did.

11:25Do it again. I did.

11:27Do it again. I did.

11:29Do it again. I'm waiting for an apology.

11:31I'll come back to you, my love.

11:33I don't see why you can't just say sorry.

11:35Yeah, come on. I can.

11:37I can say sorry. Go on, then.

11:39I'm going to say it any minute now.

11:41Well, say it. I'm about to.

11:43Go on.

11:45Hmm.

11:47I didn't hear that. Well, I said it, so...

11:49Well, we didn't hear it either. Come on, let's go.

11:51I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.

11:53I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.

11:55with that I am very sorry don't worry we are not coming back

12:25back in her office Linda is taking a tea break

12:55we've come to complain about what about the way you talk about us all yeah it's

12:59really insulting I don't know what you mean what have I said

13:03ching-chong Chatham and fatty fatty bum bum Molly the mole

13:07Ali Bongo Mick Hucknall Magnum PI big fat lesbian

13:18your point being the point is is that we want to make an official complaint well

13:24I'm shocked let's get Martin down here now sort out this awful mess

13:35Martin it's Linda I've got the whole cast of Fraggle Rock here

13:43do you keep a used tissue up your sleeve if so you are an old person and

13:49probably live in a home like this mr. Jeffries how are we today

13:54oh very good you having trouble with that thank you

14:10you barely touched your stew there's your puddle I'm not good with food it's

14:20good for you Lou always lets me have a chuck-eyes

14:23Lou's not here is he I'm allowed to watch Dez and Mel there'll be no days in

14:28this flat no Mel neither television rots the mind we'll make our own

14:32entertainment two three four onward Christian soldiers marching us to war

15:12and the local pub of bum troubler Davyth Thomas

15:21no thank you my family I've not stopped by for a drink I've come to say goodbye

15:26oh yes yes my family I'm leaving the village forever

15:32forever Lando we breffy is not the place for an out game man yeah I'm gay get over

15:37it well where are you going London with my physique I'll be able to get myself a

15:45job as a go-go dancer where are you gonna stay at the YMCA

15:51apparently you can have a good meal you can get yourself clean and you can hang

15:54out with all the guys well good for you Davyth I'm gonna live the gay dream my

16:00family I'm gonna go to gay bars and drink gay drinks I'm gonna ride gay

16:04buses and if I get peckish my family I'll just open up a packet of gay

16:08biscuits gay biscuits this is London my family everything's gay and you're sure

16:16it's what you really want so my family I'd known I was gay since I was 22 it's

16:21all I've ever dreamed of come on then I'll walk you to the station

16:25thank you my family well I'm going everybody well done you've won a victory

16:34for the bigots I wonder how many more beautiful young gay men will be driven

16:39away from this village by your scorn well none obviously because I am the

16:44only one

16:48this case is quite heavy Davyth well it would be yes my family but I'm gay you

16:52see I can't really carry every object no well I'm gonna miss you I guess

16:59you're doing the right thing just think this time tomorrow you could be in a

17:03nightclub heaving with young men like G-A-Y is that a gay club yes I don't

17:10think I'd be going out on the first night to my family oh you've got to get

17:13out there Davyth have yourself a bit of torture I don't think that's going to

17:17happen of course it is there's loads of gay guys in London you won't be the only

17:21gay in the village anymore no no it'll be brilliant right well this is as far

17:30as I can go good luck Davyth don't forget to write

17:34goodbye my family

17:38it doesn't look like I'm gonna get to London after all I just missed the last

17:52train

17:54I'll be arriving at the platform one in five minutes

17:58a carton of coke? yes please my family

18:07I'll go tomorrow yes of course you will

18:19in Gash just adjacent to the town of Cocoa passage is this hospital

18:24run by Dr. Lawrence well we always celebrate Christmas here at the hospital

18:28and this year one of our patients Anne has very kindly offered to decorate the

18:33day room I don't know if you've met Anne, have you met Anne?

18:37well it's just through here, let's see how she's getting on

18:46hello Anne, how are you getting on?

18:48have you done the tree?

18:50what have you decorated it with?

18:55eh eh eh

18:57fish fingers, that's different

18:59well thank you very much Anne

19:01eh eh eh

19:03Anne's got some mistletoe

19:05do you want to kiss Dr. Beagrey?

19:07eh eh eh

19:09you don't mind do you?

19:11eh eh eh

19:25well you just love Christmas

19:31it's approaching Nightington

19:33and in bruised man Dudley Punt is on his way home

19:38happy to talk

19:40talk about things you'd like to do

19:44Ting Tong I'm home

19:46Ting Tong

19:50table for one sir

19:56what's going on?

19:58please take a seat sir

20:00I'm afraid we're out of Tom Yam soup

20:02where's Ting Tong?

20:04I want to see Ting Tong

20:07the manager is busy but I will check for you

20:11hello Mr. Dudley, I'll take everything to your liking

20:13no it bloody isn't

20:15you've turned me bloody flat into a tired bloody palace

20:17we do have other diners

20:19I only nipped out to the offy

20:21thank you very much

20:23oh thank you offy, do come again

20:25no don't come again

20:27we need to talk

20:29I'm terribly sorry Mr. Dudley

20:31we do have a bit of a crisis in the kitchen

20:33my brother here will look after you

20:36thank you sir, are you ready to order?

20:38I don't want anything

20:40in that case, thank you very much sir

20:42please come again soon

20:46thank you sir

20:48the mints are for customers only

20:50sorry

20:58thank you sir

21:06happy talking

21:08happy talking

21:14after a brief photo call with his wife

21:16give him a kiss

21:18give him a kiss

21:22sorry

21:24I'm very sorry

21:26the Prime Minister has a long overdue meeting with the Chancellor

21:30so, the time has come

21:32yes I know

21:34I'll stick to it

21:36I shall announce my resignation this afternoon

21:38and the party will vote for the new leader on Thursday

21:40you should be Prime Minister by the end of the week

21:42what

21:44Robert and I had a deal

21:46that I would stand down before the next election

21:48yeah but you didn't mean it did you

21:50I gave him my word

21:52I want the transition of power to run as smooth as possible

21:54Sebastian you will now work for me

21:56as the Prime Minister's aide

21:58no thanks I'm staying with Michael

22:00I'm retiring from politics I'm afraid

22:03the new Prime Minister will be Robert

22:05I don't like him

22:07why not

22:09well he's all fat and Scottish

22:11very well it looks like you'll be leaving government too

22:13Sebastian

22:15Prime Minister

22:17I shall see you in the Commons at four

22:19and I shall make my announcement then

22:21thank you Robert

22:23Sebastian would you like to show the new Prime Minister out

22:26thank you

22:32thank you so much Sebastian for everything

22:34so

22:36this is goodbye then

22:38I'm afraid so

22:40oh Sebastian please don't cry

22:42it's alright I'm not going to

22:44no

22:50Sebastian please

22:52Sebastian please

23:00I understand

23:06here

23:12can I keep this

23:14yes

23:16whenever I have a good blow I'll think of you

23:22thank you Sebastian

23:24I wasn't going to give this

23:26to you just yet but

23:28it seems like the right moment

23:30I got it when I was at the summit last week in Switzerland

23:34thank you

23:36it's

23:38beautiful

23:40it's the least I can do

23:42Sebastian

23:44actually Prime Minister

23:46I've got something for you

23:48really

23:51aww

23:53you didn't know I was

23:55leaving

23:57close your eyes

23:59it's a surprise

24:05can I open them yet

24:07yes

24:15darling

24:17do you want to come with me to the press

24:20we're in the middle of some important government business

24:22ok

24:26right

24:36can you push me

24:38no you have to learn to wheel yourself

24:40it's good exercise for you

24:42I want to go home

24:44come on there's only another two miles to go

24:46I think that loo has been far too soft

24:49oh yes

24:51things are going to be different from now on

24:53you've got into bad habits

24:55you ask me

24:57I see no reason now

24:59why you can't do your own cooking and cleaning

25:01and that TV is going off and staying off

25:03and no more chocolate or potato crisps

25:05why don't you get yourself a job

25:07there's plenty of things you can do

25:09first thing tomorrow now I'm going to take you down to the job centre

25:11and find something

25:19I'm home

25:37hello

25:43I'm home

25:45hello

25:47I'll put your tea on

Little Britain S03 E06 - Episode #3.6

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Little Britain

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