00:002. Let's go to find a new light.
00:041. The light is the light.
00:142. The light is the light.
00:153. The light is the light.
00:183. The light is the light.
00:50Have you ever seen an M1 up close?
00:52I was, there's something called Reforger, which is an army exercise where troops in America...
01:02So now, were you part of an army tank division or...
01:07It's free gave me a whole direction in my life that I've never had before.
01:13So Stephanie, you can be Stephanie.
01:15You don't have to pretend to be anybody else other than who you are inside.
01:23And if this is your first year here, you'll find that out pretty quick.
01:32I hope everybody has been enjoying themselves this week.
01:34We had something really freakish.
01:37Four or five days of great weather.
01:39When has that ever happened in Port Angeles?
01:42And I remember years going to bed at night and just praying that how nice it would be if I
01:49could just wake up tomorrow and just be a girl just for a day and have it be acceptable to
01:54everybody, which I knew wasn't going to happen.
01:58But it is a psychological burden.
02:03It really is very tough because you don't have any answers and you can't talk to anybody about it.
02:10And back in the 50s, nobody knew much about this anyways.
02:15I really didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time.
02:21So...
02:27What a lovely sound.
02:32Me...
02:36Great.
02:39Meet me...
02:47Me...
02:50Me...
02:51Me...
02:53Me...
02:53Me...
02:54Me...
02:55Me...
02:55Me...
02:56Me...
02:57Me...
02:58Me...
02:59Nice change there.
03:00Nice change there.
03:01I never had real close friends because I didn't want them to know the real me.
03:08Always hid that one part of us.
03:09I knew I was different as long as I could remember.
03:15And I thought I was the only one that was different.
03:21Right, so you come on with this and then it starts and you just come down and you...
03:24And then the trumpets kick in and the tropical...
03:27We're going to be doing this?
03:28Yeah.
03:29We're all going to do that together.
03:30My dress goes up too high when I do that.
03:32But you've got shorts on.
03:34Yeah.
03:54I just want to be what I feel like.
03:59And it feels rather natural.
04:02Now I'm...
04:04A little edgy.
04:05I've never done this before.
04:08With camera crew and things like that.
04:10In fact...
04:13Nobody's seen me in this except me.
04:16And I'm going to...
04:16I'm going to be the first one.
04:36Different people become very-
04:36To be able to...
04:36To be able to see...
04:36To be able to see this,
04:36And the last one is going to need me.
04:39I'm going to be able to see...
04:40To be able to see this,
05:26I was flailing for answers.
05:32What is this? What do I do? Why am I feeling like this?
05:36And then with the internet, I was actually able to get information.
05:42And the more information I got, the more empowered I felt to do what I knew I had to do.
05:50It didn't stop the guilt.
05:53It didn't stop the deceit.
05:57And it created a few lies.
06:01It'll probably be that way till I die.
06:05But I'm living what something inside me says I should do.
06:11It's not my choice, really.
06:14It's a push.
06:17It's just as strong as you've got to get up in the morning and go to work.
06:23It can be a devastating push because you're not able to do it because of family matters, work.
06:30All right, so we're going to do a pizza party and do old people's stuff.
06:34Fucking horse shit.
06:36Here, come on in.
06:37You're trying to make sense out of it.
06:39I mean, a lot of people go and sit in a little dark room.
06:43You know, with pillows and that goddamn NPR music and shit.
06:47And, you know, for me, it's different.
06:49Everybody's journey is different.
06:52Come on in, sport.
06:54Yeah, I'll leave it open.
06:57Yeah, I'll leave it open.
06:58Holy horse shit.
07:00This is a tranny's room.
07:01If you want to go ahead and film, it's totally fine, okay?
07:04I have no problem with it, okay?
07:07I'm out all the time.
07:08I have been for three years, okay?
07:11It sucks.
07:13I mean, it's good.
07:14It's bad.
07:14It's good.
07:15I mean, it's good for me personally because it kept me alive.
07:19Even though I tried.
07:21Dude, you got to shut that out.
07:22You can either email me or check me out on Facebook as Nina Beck
07:27and you'll find me there.
07:29Facebook.
07:30You know, I've never gone into Facebook to look at anything.
07:33Try it.
07:34It's wonderful.
07:35There's a whole crowd on there.
07:37You make yourself something that you know you're not
07:43to try and make it through.
07:47It just hurts sometimes.
07:49And then your kids are calling you and they're going,
07:51oh my God, how do I bury a dog and my son?
07:56Shit.
07:57God damn, it hurts.
07:59God damn.
08:00Don't do this, okay?
08:02Let's go ahead.
08:04Do I look okay?
08:05Everybody expects something from you and it's not there.
08:09It is, but then they, they feel like they were tricked.
08:14I didn't trick you.
08:15I'm still here.
08:17I can still work my ass off.
08:19I can still do all this stuff.
08:21Oh, no, you tricked us.
08:23I didn't trick anybody.
08:25I'm sorry.
08:26I just tried to make it, you know, I just tried to get along in your world.
08:34Come on, let's go down and get some pizza.
08:36Come on.
08:38I'll pull it together.
08:39Oh, God damn it.
08:43When I crossed the border coming down, I got across the border thinking,
08:47San Francisco's not that far away.
08:49I could just go down there for a few days.
08:52Came here instead.
08:54Met everybody.
08:56I've been here for five years now.
08:58I'm sorry.
08:59It's me.
09:01I am who I am.
09:05Anyways.
