- 2 weeks ago
There are lots of ways to lose your virginity, and Refinery29 discusses personal experiences and thoughts on all things sex.
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00:00You guys, use lube.
00:01Use lube.
00:02Just use some lube.
00:03Yeah, lube.
00:04They say that teens only have one thing on their mind, sex.
00:08In our teens and even in our 20s,
00:10sex can be confusing, fun, experimental, and a little awkward.
00:15So today, I asked our two-nighters
00:16to share their advice, regrets, and stories
00:19about swiping their V-card.
00:21Hey, guys.
00:22I'm Ally, and I felt good about losing my virginity when I did.
00:25I lost my virginity so long ago that I barely remember it.
00:28I feel pretty, pretty positive.
00:30I'm happy it happened, but how it happened
00:32maybe wasn't the best.
00:33I don't have a lot of feelings about losing my virginity
00:35because I haven't yet.
00:37Losing my virginity was awkward as fuck.
00:40I lost my virginity to a female in high school,
00:42and then when I had sex with a man for the first time,
00:45because if you couldn't tell, I am a homosexual,
00:47that was sort of my big, like, buh.
00:50I lost my virginity when I was 15, and it was my first love,
00:54so I feel pretty great about it.
00:56I actually had already decided that I wanted to have sex.
01:01It really was just a matter of finding the person
01:04to have sex with.
01:04I met this boy.
01:05He liked me, and I liked him, and I was like,
01:07OK, you.
01:08I lost it in the back of a pickup truck
01:11when I was 16 years old.
01:13It was not as glamorous as Dawson's Creek makes it seem.
01:18I remember I picked him up in my car,
01:21as you do in the suburbs, and we went into, like, a parking lot,
01:24and I was like, OK, do you have a condom?
01:26And he was like, um, no.
01:28There was no planning.
01:29There was no conversation around it.
01:31I lost my virginity without using a condom.
01:35What was I thinking?
01:36But I mean, other than that, it was a pretty good time.
01:38So he came to my house to pick me up using his mom's car.
01:42We went up to his room and locked the door, put a condom on,
01:45and was just like, oh, let's see if it fits.
01:47Like, yeah, OK, we both know exactly what the is about to happen.
01:50His mom starts knocking at the door like, where did you put my keys?
01:54So they're, like, fighting with the door closed.
01:57I had built this moment up so much in my head
01:59that I was just willing to do it with any girl who was like, yes.
02:02So that's where I was.
02:03And so I ended up in this situation with a girl
02:06that I didn't really like.
02:07Just to get out of the situation, I faked it.
02:10And I immediately pull up the condom and throw it away
02:12so she can't see that there's nothing in this condom.
02:15I was completely wasted.
02:17Went home with this superstar buff man.
02:19He was too big.
02:20I ended up calling my old faithful,
02:22who I get on the phone every time something's wrong, my mom.
02:26Traditionally, virginity is a heteronormative social construct
02:29that excludes anything outside of penetrative sex.
02:33But how you lose your virginity
02:34is unique to your sexual preference and experience.
02:38In addition to being a Christian, I'm asexual,
02:41so I'm just not attracted to other people in the same way.
02:44I don't have a sex drive, really.
02:45I waited until college to lose my virginity,
02:48not because I had some kind of rule.
02:50I remember my friends who had had sex telling me
02:53they were so excited to do it.
02:56And I was like, oh, I feel truly the opposite of that.
02:59I had been calling myself a lesbian for several months,
03:02but had never even kissed a woman.
03:04So it happened when I was my sophomore year of college.
03:07And I felt bad because I knew that we would at least make out
03:11because I knew that she liked me.
03:13And I was kind of using her as a test.
03:15My first time having sex with a girl was so much better.
03:18Oh, wow.
03:19It was way more of a full body experience.
03:21I remember being exponentially more nervous
03:25to lose my virginity with someone who had the same body parts as I do.
03:29I want to make sure this person feels comfortable and good and great.
03:32It was honestly magical.
03:34Girls are better than boys, guys.
03:41I grew up with abstinence-only education.
03:45They would say all these harsh things that can and could happen,
03:48but they also wouldn't teach the safe sex.
03:51They just didn't want you to have sex.
03:52I lost my virginity when I was a junior in high school,
03:54and then I had sex ed my senior year of high school.
03:58Thankfully, I had the internet or else I probably would have ended up pregnant.
04:02Honest to God, my sexual education came from Degrassi.
04:04We never had a single sex ed class.
04:06We for sure didn't talk about queer sex.
04:10Virginity is very heteronormative because sort of what you think of
04:13when you lose your virginity is, you know, penetration.
04:15It makes you believe that there's one way to have sex.
04:18Really, I was not a virgin for a while.
04:21I'd been doing sex stuff for a long time.
04:23I think it's really important that from a young age,
04:26we start introducing the concepts of consensuality
04:29and really what constitutes sex.
04:33No one's going to have the same sexual experience,
04:35and it's important for us all to be safe no matter who you're attracted to.
04:48I had no concept of protection with women.
04:51And I think that's because so much of the conversations,
04:54especially around black girls having sex, is about avoiding pregnancy.
04:58Like, condoms are the only thing that we see all the time.
05:00For queer women, protection often looks like dental dams.
05:02I like to use latex or neoprene if you have a latex allergy, gloves.
05:08Please use protection, particularly in the gay world.
05:10Always, always, always use the most protection for yourself and for your partner.
05:15When it comes to sex, educating yourself is the most important way
05:18to have a healthy, fun, and consensual experience.
05:22Make sure to ask questions, get all the facts, and communicate with your partner.
05:26There's no reason not to be informed, and there's no reason to be ashamed about having sex.
05:30Just trust your gut, know your own body, know what you need and what you want.
05:36If you can pleasure yourself and know what you like, it will be a thousand times easier
05:42to tell your partner what you want, and that way your communication can be a lot stronger,
05:46and you can have amazing sex.
05:48I think if you're in a place where you're being pressured to have sex and you don't want to,
05:53you should feel empowered to just say no.
05:55Don't place too much pressure on yourself to have sex too early,
05:58or to have sex with someone you don't like, just because it's available.
06:01You're the only one who can really know when you're ready for something,
06:06and if you're ready, you're ready.
06:08Loosen up. Have fun with it. Sex is fun. Make it fun.
06:11Whenever you decide to lose your virginity, remember it's about your body and it's your choice.
06:16So tune out to what others are doing and listen to yourself.
06:19See you guys next time. Happy f***ing.