- 2 weeks ago
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00:00:25You
00:00:31All right.
00:00:32So, mano a mano, how many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about, especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them
00:00:43it is my real name.
00:00:44Like, how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do.
00:00:50She's cute.
00:00:52Bet you 20 bones she has a kid.
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach.
00:01:00Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll.
00:01:06Ew, Maddie.
00:01:07You're right.
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid, why would you post the one directly
00:01:12after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous.
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing.
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that.
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left.
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls.
00:01:29I'm trying to find Miss right now, and she wants to play where's fucking Waldo.
00:01:33I detest that shit.
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends.
00:01:38Then it must be this one.
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted.
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice.
00:01:47She does.
00:01:49To the left, to the left.
00:01:51Oh, yeah, you're 25.
00:01:5325 times two.
00:01:57Oh, here we go.
00:01:58Officially head over heels.
00:02:00Check it out.
00:02:00Close up of her eye.
00:02:02And, yep, that's her only photo.
00:02:05Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:06Beats me.
00:02:09Oh, hold on.
00:02:10Let me see something.
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages, Master Picasso.
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have.
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation, you'll see that they're mostly just lonely haze that
00:02:21no one ever responded to.
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls.
00:02:25The second you match with them, you gotta do something to show them that you're not
00:02:29just one of the millions of guys that want to make bacon with them.
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them.
00:02:33Well, you're not going to put anything in the pan with a dry fucking DM like hey.
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM is 50% lewd messages, 50% haze.
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground.
00:02:43You gotta do something unique.
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone.
00:02:47Oh, this girl, Sissany.
00:02:49Yeah.
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks.
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her.
00:02:54No lags, no pretending to be interested.
00:02:57I mean, it's a good deal.
00:02:58And we text like every day.
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No.
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:05Nope.
00:03:13Dude, what are you st-
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman on your phone
00:03:19than talking to her pussy lips in real time.
00:03:21I've seen catfish.
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Nev and Max
00:03:25is that anything that seems too good really is too good.
00:03:28Right now, this girl's on a pillar, you know?
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill.
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person.
00:03:34Like, what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is, but her real-life personality pales in comparison
00:03:40to her online personality?
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck, I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit
00:03:47with Sissini.
00:03:49What the- what?
00:03:50Stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:51What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring ass hey and has sustained conversation with you for
00:03:57weeks.
00:03:58She's pretty.
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you.
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a Courage the Cowardly Dog shirt for crying out loud.
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you.
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:07What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:11Picasso, listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person by the next time
00:04:18I see you, I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin.
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude.
00:04:30Oh, Picasso.
00:04:32Oh, Picasso.
00:04:34What are you doing?
00:04:34Just give me that salami.
00:04:36No, just fine.
00:04:37Just give me that sausage.
00:04:39I can take it.
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:42Stop it.
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:44Please, stop it.
00:04:45You're a sex vomit.
00:04:46Oh, my God.
00:05:03Look, I graduated.
00:05:05Can't do anything if magic made it.
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it?
00:05:09Graduated from public school.
00:05:10That's special ed.
00:05:12Best football team since 13.
00:05:14Their football dreams.
00:05:15Most people waiting.
00:05:17On the sideline waiting for one time in the limelight.
00:05:20But tonight, I'ma shine in the moonlight.
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson.
00:05:25So it's time for action.
00:05:26I go.
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus.
00:05:28I'm going to college.
00:05:29I had enough.
00:05:31Gonna live it up.
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup.
00:05:33Trunk wine, gonna throw it up.
00:05:35We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:38We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:42We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:46All night.
00:05:47All night.
00:05:50We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:54We're gonna celebrate.
00:05:55Ugh.
00:05:56So many stairs.
00:05:58Well, technically, I could get shot anywhere.
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood should make a difference.
00:06:04It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07Looks pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:11No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:13Because you tend to have selective memory.
00:06:15And I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay.
00:06:19Sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly.
00:06:23And happy face means I can stay.
00:06:27Okay.
00:06:28Thank you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:41It'll be fine.
00:06:44It'll be fine.
00:06:47It'll be fine.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:53I think it'll be fine.
00:07:09Hi.
00:07:09Hey.
00:07:14You're welcome.
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah.
00:07:47There's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment, but I thought for the sake of presentation,
00:07:50I might as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking.
00:07:54If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would.
00:08:00Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, but there's a few janky ones lying around
00:08:03that could push you in one.
00:08:04I might just take you up on that.
00:08:06But only if the cart's missing a wheel and it smells like piss.
00:08:09Well, I'll see what I can muster up.
00:08:13How long have we been walking?
00:08:15Uh, less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you.
00:08:22This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah.
00:08:25I thought the same thing.
00:08:27Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not being followed.
00:08:30Oh my god.
00:08:31Imagine if you were.
00:08:32Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway.
00:08:35Like, what's up, bro?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:42See, not me.
00:08:44I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:49I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable of
00:08:55engaging in foot chase?
00:08:56Nope.
00:08:57Just cut me open.
00:08:59I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:06Well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:09Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:11The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.
00:09:28Before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments, but to say it was the greatest horror movie of
00:09:35all time?
00:09:36I just don't see it.
00:09:37That film was style over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Kubrick put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call
00:09:48themselves a director.
00:09:49Um, that's a problematic statement.
00:09:52So, but here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched, but
00:10:05instead, people choose to remake the classics.
00:10:08The films that should have a do not touch sign on them.
00:10:11You can say that again.
00:10:12Do I have to?
00:10:14Do I have to?
00:10:18Oh, not too shabby.
00:10:20Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio
00:10:33apartment folk.
00:10:35Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:39Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting
00:10:52bowel unloads, huh?
00:10:55You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You young guy have got it made.
00:11:02Supportment's not that great.
00:11:04I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm.
00:11:13Well, then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:14Bring your eyes this away.
00:11:17Oh, hiya.
00:11:18Destruction.
00:11:19What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:21Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:24No.
00:11:25Bronx as in my friend's dog, Bronx.
00:11:27Oh, goddamn Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hutt got himself a husky.
00:11:31A very unwise decision.
00:11:33And why is that?
00:11:34Huskies are cuteness overload.
00:11:37Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No.
00:11:40The cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:44My friend Hutt got himself a husky purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie.
00:11:50His words, not mine.
00:11:52Hutt got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:55Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily, and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:04Oh, I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy, and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:12Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, he'd be left alone in Hutt's apartment, and in no time, he was tearing
00:12:18the place apart.
00:12:19And Hutt didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes, all thanks to Bronx.
00:12:28You get off Bronx's back, all right?
00:12:32Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hutt had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hutt had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes, so I thought I didn't have anything to
00:12:52worry about.
00:12:53I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed, and the next morning, I saw that the little wolfie
00:12:58pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:00And the shedding?
00:13:02These guys shed like nobody's business, just white hair clumps everywhere.
00:13:07Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:10So, are you going to fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week, and Hutt gave me money to pay for the damages, but this looks
00:13:19terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but it doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second, though, I thought those scratches were the result of a victim trying to escape.
00:13:35Mm-mm.
00:13:36Mm-mm-mm-mm.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:38I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing because
00:13:44her whole demeanor changed, and she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:52You know, a young guy living in a nice place by himself, nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:00The same could be said about you.
00:14:02People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her, but what about the girl that
00:14:07comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:10You're right.
00:14:11Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:15My biggest fear is that I'm going to meet Justine, only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:33Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:53But we'd been talking for a couple months, and I thought he was...
00:15:02I was trying to think of another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever.
00:15:05He was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:16But anyway, we decided to meet up, and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29He just wanted to do the deed.
00:15:32Everything he said had something to do with sex, and I immediately knew this was going to suck.
00:15:41So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:50But I just felt uncomfortable, and I thought, be nice, watch the movie, and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger, and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said, you want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will.
00:16:20Right after this.
00:16:23And here's the kicker.
00:16:27I didn't fight back.
00:16:30I didn't scream.
00:16:32I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things that I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever
00:16:42happen to me.
00:16:44But then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:03And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me, and I never heard from him again.
00:17:18I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh, my God.
00:17:29There's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:35And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:38Oh, my God.
00:17:39This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:42No, it's...
00:17:45You're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but...
00:17:47That guy's...
00:17:49The hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like...
00:17:57If you get attacked at a grocery store, you're going to stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this.
00:18:05I just...
00:18:05No, you're fine.
00:18:09So, I thought I'd give it another chance, and...
00:18:12I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:15You're strong.
00:18:18Yeah.
00:18:19If you say so.
00:18:23Took me a long-ass time to get back here, but...
00:18:26Here I stand, and...
00:18:28Thankfully, since then, all I've had to deal with is harmless hoosers.
00:18:33I hope I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will tell you.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track.
00:18:40You got any Alki?
00:18:41Yes.
00:18:41What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:44Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have Apple Ale.
00:18:53Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of Alki.
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for Apple Ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destin's Child reunion concert, only to find out Beyoncé won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right?
00:19:18That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:19That's not what I meant.
00:19:21They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyoncé's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:26Well, of course they would.
00:19:28But I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice.
00:19:33And so does Kelly.
00:19:34You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyoncé's back?
00:19:38Technical foul.
00:19:39Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words, Destiny's Child?
00:19:44Beyoncé.
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyoncé for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is.
00:19:59They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC.
00:20:05Who's the first person you think of?
00:20:06Justin Timberlake.
00:20:07No, J.C.
00:20:08I always thought he had a better voice than J. Timms.
00:20:11J. Timms?
00:20:12What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine.
00:20:16Forget NSYNC.
00:20:17What about Backstreet Boys?
00:20:18Who do you think of?
00:20:19Bryant.
00:20:20No, actually AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me.
00:20:24You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go.
00:20:28B2K.
00:20:28Who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes, IMX.
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:34H-Town.
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:37Can you imagine what that feels like?
00:20:39To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer.
00:20:42To know your millions of fans are probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:47Wait, so did you still want that apaleo?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name?
00:21:11I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean, what's the deal with it?
00:21:14Is Picasso your real name?
00:21:16I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso.
00:21:21It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:24And who decided Picasso as the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:33And my dad was very, very impatient.
00:21:37Annoyingly so.
00:21:38Pick.
00:21:39Pick.
00:21:41Pick a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch.
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom about that.
00:21:46I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:47Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:51She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later, and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:03She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso, and she gets really upset when people say,
00:22:07Well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:10She's adamant that I was named Picasso, and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:15Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:16I've been calling you Picasso all night, and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:20I wish my name was Picasso.
00:22:22That's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason, I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:36Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:41Why online dating?
00:22:45Because it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:56Isn't that so ironic, though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait.
00:23:07I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:09I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:14Ooh.
00:23:15If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Mmm.
00:23:21Bah.
00:23:23Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:27Mm.
00:23:28Are we reading books?
00:23:30Are books reading us?
00:23:34So what about you?
00:23:35Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone's a safety net.
00:23:39Online, you can be anyone.
00:23:40You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you've got to wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:52Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested,
00:23:58they still have to acknowledge you.
00:23:59I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh making your interests known, whereas online you get so many messages
00:24:08that people don't respond to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13You know, there's thousands of options online.
00:24:15You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:17I didn't mean that.
00:24:19I was just like...
00:24:20Removes foot for mouth?
00:24:28Hello, nurse.
00:24:31Are you afraid of the dark?
00:24:33The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are you afraid of the dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:41When it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sissony, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was Light Years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:53Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly you need a mental evaluation if you're going to put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:03Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:06But come on, if we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:17Mad props to R.L. Stine, all right?
00:25:19Nah.
00:25:20There was just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s.
00:25:30But these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society.
00:25:34And they sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:37What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:40The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:44But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:47See, there it is.
00:25:48Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner, or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Picasso, please focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun, but Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:06That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary, the storylines were dark, and they had no problem ending a tale
00:26:25on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:31Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying, if I had the choice to binge-watch Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark, I'm
00:26:45always going to go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have of buying as many Goosebumps
00:26:53stories as I could at the school book fair or watching the show on Saturday mornings,
00:26:58the happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds above Are You Afraid
00:27:03of the Dark?
00:27:09You know what I wanted to ask you.
00:27:10How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200-something?
00:27:13Fall off a cliff.
00:27:14You pay 200-something to live here?
00:27:16Uh, well, I own it.
00:27:17That's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:21You own a home?
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you, like, low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:27No.
00:27:28My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:34He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes, you do.
00:27:47How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap.
00:27:50That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:54No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses?
00:27:59Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anticlimactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're also fugly, and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see, like, 40 Priuses a day, and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug.
00:28:13Like, ooh, look at me.
00:28:15I drive the most fuel-efficient gasoline-powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know.
00:28:25I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat, and
00:28:33tears into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:35You could probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:38Mm, not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died, I'm sorry about that.
00:28:44But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:51Actually, I don't need the money.
00:28:52I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:57He always spits when he talks.
00:28:59He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age we revert back to infancy?
00:29:08We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:10We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:19I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa.
00:29:22And this really obese lady walked by.
00:29:25And my grandfather said very loudly, she got the nod of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is nod of neck?
00:29:36And he said, no damn neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around, looked at him, and then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that...
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of him.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:57Now, my mom isn't the best cook.
00:30:00But she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday, she would make us breakfast.
00:30:04It's pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:14Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:23My grandfather came over one Sunday.
00:30:27And he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:32And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:38Goddamn, Gertrude.
00:30:39My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:41She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:47Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:50You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58Thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibility as our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops.
00:31:06Having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:16Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:20Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:32Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap?
00:31:37Lil Yachty?
00:31:38Bieber the Boy Wonder?
00:31:39We have J. Cole.
00:31:41Bryson Tiller.
00:31:42And your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:50This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisany.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisany.
00:32:06That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisany?
00:32:09It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:12Things got a little frisky.
00:32:14And then nine months later, I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on,
00:32:28I could never hear my name without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:34You may have some things you need to work out, then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:44No, that's not a bad thing.
00:32:45It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary,
00:32:51and I'm getting a vision that in one of your cabinets,
00:32:54you have a family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion?
00:32:59How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:11Aha.
00:33:15Kobe.
00:33:15You lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hmm?
00:33:31Three, two, one.
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot.
00:33:36Booyah!
00:33:37Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street.
00:33:43You don't have to do that.
00:33:44I'll pick it up.
00:33:45Can you get me another ale, though?
00:33:46You sure can.
00:33:48Loser.
00:33:51Oh, goodness.
00:33:52Everywhere.
00:34:10Look what I found.
00:34:12This is actually impressive.
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off via the internet,
00:34:17but you are taking it back to the old school
00:34:19with the hard copy porn.
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap.
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that.
00:34:27So, you're taking ownership, Ben.
00:34:29No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What could I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot left it?
00:34:34Nope.
00:34:35Tell me.
00:34:36You've had a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot, but there are others.
00:34:41More honesty.
00:34:42Good for you.
00:34:43One thing I will say
00:34:44is I don't always look through that for gratification.
00:34:47I also do it because I find something
00:34:49feministic about porn stars.
00:34:51You're doing so well.
00:34:53Now you're flinging shit in my face.
00:34:55I mean,
00:34:56doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work,
00:34:59despite the way it's advertised,
00:35:00but I still find something feministic
00:35:03about women in the porn industry.
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06Come in my face, Mr. Postman.
00:35:08What freedom fighters they are.
00:35:10Well,
00:35:12well, on a cursory level,
00:35:13it seems very demeaning,
00:35:15but
00:35:15these women are loaded.
00:35:17Loaded with semen?
00:35:19No, well,
00:35:21yeah,
00:35:21but they're also loaded with cash.
00:35:23They get paid to screw.
00:35:26So,
00:35:26if you had a daughter
00:35:27and she ended up being a porn star,
00:35:29you'd support her?
00:35:31I wouldn't want that,
00:35:32but
00:35:33if she's of age,
00:35:34she can make a living however she'd like,
00:35:36as long as it's legal.
00:35:37You don't mean that.
00:35:38Look,
00:35:39women are sexualized every day
00:35:41against their will.
00:35:42Porn stars are
00:35:42totally and completely
00:35:44in control
00:35:45of what goes in
00:35:46nor out of their bodies.
00:35:47They're not doing anything
00:35:48that they don't want to do.
00:35:50Yeah,
00:35:50but
00:35:50what about those videos
00:35:52where the dudes
00:35:52take it too far?
00:35:53They go way past
00:35:54their co-star's comfort level
00:35:56without an ounce of compassion.
00:35:57Those guys are dick shits,
00:35:59but for the most part,
00:36:00the porn industry
00:36:00has stipulations
00:36:01that are respected.
00:36:02I'm not saying
00:36:03that women should set
00:36:04their sights on doing porn.
00:36:05Of course not.
00:36:06I am saying
00:36:07those women that
00:36:08for whatever reason
00:36:09find themselves
00:36:10in that world,
00:36:11the ones with tough skin,
00:36:13the ones who know
00:36:14that they're more than
00:36:15just fat titty bimbo
00:36:16number two,
00:36:17they deserve recognition
00:36:18for paying the bills
00:36:19with the assets
00:36:20that they've been blessed with.
00:36:21The assets
00:36:22they were blessed with.
00:36:24Um,
00:36:24like 90% of porn stars
00:36:26have fake asses,
00:36:28fake boobs,
00:36:29fake hair,
00:36:30fake lips,
00:36:31fake eyes.
00:36:32Well,
00:36:32they were blessed
00:36:33with the money
00:36:33to adorn themselves.
00:36:34Yeah,
00:36:35but why are they doing that?
00:36:36They're doing that
00:36:37to follow some beauty chart
00:36:38that was created
00:36:39by some fucking vermin
00:36:41who thinks he has
00:36:42the authority
00:36:42to decide what makes
00:36:43a woman attractive.
00:36:44Yeah,
00:36:44but they're doing
00:36:45what they have to do
00:36:46to stay in the game.
00:36:47Yeah,
00:36:47but in the end,
00:36:48it's the men
00:36:49who call the shots.
00:36:50Hardly feministic.
00:36:51But the face of porn,
00:36:53the ones that are
00:36:55keeping this industry
00:36:56as popular as it is,
00:36:57are the women.
00:36:58Yeah,
00:36:59but look at the side effects.
00:37:00You got those guys
00:37:01out there
00:37:01that only know
00:37:02how to relate to women
00:37:03by what they see
00:37:04on their computer screens.
00:37:05Did you forget
00:37:06what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right.
00:37:08I'm just saying
00:37:09that porn stars
00:37:10are just doing their jobs.
00:37:11You can't blame them
00:37:12for the dummies out there
00:37:13that don't know
00:37:14the difference
00:37:14between reality and fantasy.
00:37:16That's like
00:37:17watching Man of Steel
00:37:19and saying,
00:37:19oh,
00:37:20Superman can fly.
00:37:22So can I.
00:37:23We both tried.
00:37:24And they're dummies,
00:37:25like I said.
00:37:26But porn can be
00:37:27a means to better oneself.
00:37:29Like,
00:37:29look at that girl
00:37:29who did porn
00:37:30to pay her tuition.
00:37:31She used what she had
00:37:32to get what she needed.
00:37:33And that's awesome.
00:37:35I know a guy
00:37:36that has sex with grannies
00:37:37to keep himself
00:37:38financially satiated
00:37:39and he's hailed for it.
00:37:41Female porn stars
00:37:42deserve praise too.
00:37:43You have a friend
00:37:44that has sex
00:37:46with old ladies
00:37:47for money.
00:37:48That is revolting.
00:37:50Gotta eat.
00:37:51No pun intended.
00:37:52That pun was so intended.
00:37:54How old is this guy?
00:37:5624.
00:37:57Of course he is.
00:37:59Yet another
00:38:00generation-wide distinction.
00:38:02Only a 90s baby
00:38:03would mitigate his probity
00:38:04by investing in his dick.
00:38:06You act like prostitution
00:38:08and being a sugar baby
00:38:10are new professions.
00:38:11They've been around
00:38:12for centuries.
00:38:13I know that,
00:38:14but back then
00:38:15people had to sell
00:38:16their bodies
00:38:16because they had
00:38:18no other way
00:38:18to provide for themselves.
00:38:19They also weren't proud
00:38:21of what they were doing.
00:38:22Does this guy enjoy
00:38:23having sex with grannies?
00:38:25Oh, yeah.
00:38:26Ew.
00:38:27Sex is for pleasure,
00:38:28not profit.
00:38:29I've always thought
00:38:30that any work
00:38:31that was legal
00:38:31was good work.
00:38:33And porn is legal.
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal.
00:38:36It is in Nevada.
00:38:37Being a sugar baby
00:38:38isn't legal either.
00:38:39It actually is.
00:38:40The guy I told you about,
00:38:42he actually explained
00:38:43how it works.
00:38:43He hangs out
00:38:44with the grannies,
00:38:45but there's never
00:38:46an explicit deal
00:38:46to exchange money
00:38:47for sex.
00:38:48This guy,
00:38:49he's pretty vulgar.
00:38:52He talks about sex
00:38:53a lot,
00:38:54but it's more than that.
00:38:55His sugar mamas
00:38:56take care of him
00:38:57and he provides them
00:38:58with companionship.
00:38:59Sex is just a bonus.
00:39:01Doesn't matter
00:39:02which way you frame it.
00:39:03Prostitution,
00:39:04sugar babying,
00:39:05porn,
00:39:06none of that's reputable.
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:09A job that requires
00:39:11you to keep your clothes on.
00:39:12You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16That's a real job.
00:39:17But it's not a job
00:39:18that I enjoy.
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well.
00:39:22Look,
00:39:23a person like my grandpa,
00:39:25he worked to take care
00:39:26of his family.
00:39:26I don't even know
00:39:27if he liked working
00:39:28for Ford,
00:39:28but he did it.
00:39:29That's the old school mentality.
00:39:31Work to provide,
00:39:32not work to enjoy.
00:39:34That's something
00:39:35our generation
00:39:35does get right, though.
00:39:36We don't do shit
00:39:37unless it makes us happy.
00:39:40I missed the memo, apparently.
00:39:42So,
00:39:43how did you get into finance
00:39:44if you don't like it?
00:39:47You're probably gonna think
00:39:48I'm flinging more shit
00:39:49in your face,
00:39:50but
00:39:51seeing a year of high school,
00:39:52I saw everyone around me
00:39:53latch onto a field of study.
00:39:56I saw everyone
00:39:58find something
00:39:58that they really
00:39:59connected with.
00:40:01I didn't know
00:40:02what I wanted to do
00:40:02and
00:40:03I didn't want anyone
00:40:04to know that I didn't know
00:40:05what I wanted to do,
00:40:06so
00:40:06literally,
00:40:08I looked up
00:40:09the top ten
00:40:10most popular professions,
00:40:11I wrote them all down
00:40:13on separate pieces of paper,
00:40:14I put them in a hat,
00:40:17and I picked one
00:40:18and
00:40:19started counting.
00:40:21So,
00:40:22you spent
00:40:23four years
00:40:24studying something
00:40:25you have no interest in.
00:40:26Yeah.
00:40:27I thought
00:40:28by the time
00:40:28I turned 18
00:40:29I should have found
00:40:29my calling
00:40:30and when I hadn't
00:40:31I was worried.
00:40:32Even now
00:40:33I don't really know
00:40:34where I'd be
00:40:34if I hadn't done
00:40:35that college major raffle.
00:40:38I live my days
00:40:39as a chameleon.
00:40:40I go to work
00:40:41because that's
00:40:42what people my age do.
00:40:44I drink coffee
00:40:45because that's
00:40:46what people my age do.
00:40:49The only time
00:40:50I don't feel out of place
00:40:51is when I'm sitting
00:40:51on my futon
00:40:52watching TV.
00:40:55That's why I salute
00:40:55porn stars
00:40:56and the people
00:40:57that you may call
00:40:57degenerates
00:40:58because
00:40:58at least they're
00:41:00doing what they enjoy.
00:41:02And
00:41:03speaking of doing
00:41:04things you enjoy,
00:41:05you're a dramaturg.
00:41:06I've never even
00:41:07heard of that
00:41:08before you.
00:41:09But
00:41:09it's something
00:41:10that you're keen on.
00:41:11You contextualize
00:41:13the world of a play.
00:41:14You're the bridge
00:41:15that connects
00:41:16the text,
00:41:17the actors,
00:41:18and the audience.
00:41:20Do you know
00:41:21what any of that means?
00:41:22Are you just
00:41:22snowballing the shit
00:41:23I told you before?
00:41:25A little bit of both,
00:41:27but I'm mostly snowballing.
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus,
00:41:31basically.
00:41:32We're critical thinkers
00:41:34to the highest degree.
00:41:35We take literary info,
00:41:38cultural info,
00:41:39artistic info,
00:41:40and symbolic info,
00:41:42though that's
00:41:43pretty much in line
00:41:44with artistic info.
00:41:45And
00:41:45we provide
00:41:46all of that
00:41:47to our team
00:41:47before and
00:41:49during the show.
00:41:49And then
00:41:50sometimes after,
00:41:51depending on
00:41:51how much of a
00:41:52mindfuck the play was.
00:41:54And you're working
00:41:55on an ecological piece
00:41:55now, right?
00:41:56The Shakespeare one?
00:41:57Yeah, we're doing
00:41:58an interactive adaptation
00:41:59of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:42:01There's no actual set.
00:42:03It takes place
00:42:03all outside.
00:42:04We're really playing
00:42:05with nature's role
00:42:06in this world
00:42:08that Shakespeare created.
00:42:09Whether he knew it
00:42:10or not,
00:42:10he really gave
00:42:12a voice to nature
00:42:13in the form of fairies.
00:42:14The forest is their home.
00:42:16The forest is what they know.
00:42:18The fairies,
00:42:19creatures that embody nature,
00:42:20they're the strongest
00:42:21characters in the entire play.
00:42:23And the fact that
00:42:24they're proficient
00:42:25in enchantment
00:42:27conveys just how
00:42:28dominant nature is.
00:42:30So, we're really
00:42:31trying to bring
00:42:32all that out.
00:42:33I'd really like to see that.
00:42:34I can get you a ticket.
00:42:37But here's my thing
00:42:38about ecological theater.
00:42:39I saw this play once.
00:42:41I don't know
00:42:42what it was called,
00:42:42but it was about
00:42:43these two polar bears
00:42:44that were struggling
00:42:45to survive
00:42:46in a changing climate.
00:42:47One thing I could not
00:42:48get over was
00:42:49why these polar bears
00:42:50spoke like people.
00:42:52And not just any people,
00:42:53they spoke like
00:42:53characters in a mammoth play.
00:42:55Like F-words and all.
00:42:57I think I know
00:42:58what play you're talking about.
00:42:59Ben and Bart.
00:43:00Sure,
00:43:01but if you really
00:43:02want to create
00:43:02an ecological theater piece,
00:43:04wouldn't it be best
00:43:05to show animals
00:43:06and nature
00:43:06as they really are?
00:43:08I mean,
00:43:08I understand what you
00:43:09and your team are doing,
00:43:10but that's different
00:43:11because you're working
00:43:12with material
00:43:12that already exists.
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff?
00:43:17Polar bears don't talk!
00:43:18This little buddy comedy approach,
00:43:21it diminished
00:43:21how serious climate change is
00:43:23and it humanized
00:43:24a very non-human narrative.
00:43:27It would have been
00:43:28much more compelling
00:43:29to let actors
00:43:30that actually look like bears
00:43:32move around the space
00:43:33and react to what's going on
00:43:34without talking.
00:43:35I'd be all for that,
00:43:37but most audiences
00:43:38won't pay to see
00:43:39something like that.
00:43:40That's why you see
00:43:41talking trees
00:43:42or talking polar bears.
00:43:43We try to wrap
00:43:45an ecological message
00:43:46into the play
00:43:47without the audience knowing.
00:43:48Then don't advertise them
00:43:50as ecological plays.
00:43:51Just call them plays.
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:55I think some chips
00:43:57would make you happy.
00:43:58I think you're right.
00:44:00Okay,
00:44:01here's one.
00:44:02Kill,
00:44:03fuck,
00:44:03marry.
00:44:04Meg.
00:44:05Princess Jasmine
00:44:06and Princess Tiana.
00:44:09That is quite the roster.
00:44:11I would
00:44:12fuck Princess Jasmine
00:44:13because you know
00:44:14Aladdin's not giving it
00:44:15to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry
00:44:17Princess Tiana
00:44:18because I really think
00:44:19she'd make me feel invincible.
00:44:21Sorry, Meg.
00:44:22Of course you'd kill
00:44:23the most underrated
00:44:24Disney princess
00:44:25in the world.
00:44:26What other princess
00:44:27gives you cynicism,
00:44:28beauty,
00:44:29and backup?
00:44:30Still gotta kill her.
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:33Those are getting serious.
00:44:35Prince Charming,
00:44:37Li Shang,
00:44:38and the beast
00:44:40in human form.
00:44:41Um,
00:44:42jeez.
00:44:42Okay.
00:44:43Kill Prince Charming.
00:44:44He's too much of a square
00:44:45for me.
00:44:46Marry Li Shang
00:44:47because I think
00:44:48he'd make a man
00:44:48out of me.
00:44:49And fuck the beast
00:44:51because he's a beast.
00:44:53Ah,
00:44:54that's a noble selection.
00:44:55Oh, yes.
00:44:56Ursula,
00:44:58Cruella de Vil,
00:44:59and Lady Tremaine.
00:45:00Ooh.
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately.
00:45:02She's too skinny for me.
00:45:03I would marry
00:45:05Lady Tremaine
00:45:06and I would
00:45:07fuck Ursula.
00:45:08I'm swimming all up
00:45:09in that octopussy.
00:45:10Oh my god,
00:45:11you really just said that.
00:45:13Ugh.
00:45:14Okay,
00:45:15I get very involved
00:45:15in my play-inscams,
00:45:16okay?
00:45:16All right.
00:45:18Jafar,
00:45:19Hades,
00:45:21and Gaston.
00:45:23Now,
00:45:23you'd think I'd fuck
00:45:24the muscle-bound Gaston,
00:45:26right?
00:45:26Hell no.
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself,
00:45:28so I'm gonna kill him.
00:45:30Marry Hades
00:45:31because he's the ruler
00:45:33of the underworld.
00:45:34Can someone say
00:45:35sovereignty?
00:45:36And fuck Jafar
00:45:37because underneath
00:45:38that rough exterior,
00:45:39I think he'd be
00:45:40a generous lover.
00:45:41Now that deserves
00:45:42a slow clap.
00:45:44Wait,
00:45:44I have to do it with you.
00:45:54Are you sure
00:45:55you want to do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me
00:45:57when I said
00:45:57I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay,
00:45:59last chance to tap out.
00:46:00I don't need to tap out.
00:46:01I'm the Riddler.
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04As an only child,
00:46:05you have a lot of downtime.
00:46:06I read riddle books
00:46:07all day.
00:46:09That's not something
00:46:10I'd brag about.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:11I'm ready like Spongebob,
00:46:13all right?
00:46:14Okay,
00:46:14you know what happens
00:46:15if you get one wrong.
00:46:16I do know,
00:46:17but that's not something
00:46:17that I need to worry about
00:46:18because I'm gonna ace
00:46:20this shit.
00:46:21Okay,
00:46:22coming at you.
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles.
00:46:26Five of the easiest riddles.
00:46:28Number one,
00:46:29it's more powerful than God.
00:46:30It's more evil
00:46:31than the devil.
00:46:32The poor have it.
00:46:33The rich need it.
00:46:34If you eat it,
00:46:34you'll die.
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:36I have two arms,
00:46:37but fingers none.
00:46:38I have two feet,
00:46:39but cannot run.
00:46:40I carry well,
00:46:41but I found
00:46:41I carry best
00:46:42with my feet off the ground.
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Beyond wheelbarrow.
00:46:45The more you take,
00:46:47the more you leave behind.
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:48Fingerprints.
00:46:49You can't handle me.
00:46:51What disappears
00:46:52as soon as you say its name?
00:46:53Silence.
00:46:54Last one.
00:46:55Come on.
00:46:56What type of dress
00:46:57cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better.
00:47:02Much, much better.
00:47:04An address.
00:47:05Press.
00:47:08Okay, now I have
00:47:10a bonus one for you.
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal.
00:47:12I thought you were the Riddler.
00:47:14Fine.
00:47:15Riddle my boots.
00:47:16Okay.
00:47:17Went to a football game, right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm.
00:47:19The quarterback
00:47:19threw a pass
00:47:20to the wide receiver.
00:47:21The wide receiver
00:47:22caught it in the end zone,
00:47:24but no guys scored a touchdown.
00:47:26How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be
00:47:28a trick question.
00:47:29Was there a penalty
00:47:30or something?
00:47:31No, it was a very
00:47:32clean touchdown.
00:47:33They're just wearing
00:47:34any guys on the field.
00:47:35That can't be.
00:47:35You can't score a touchdown
00:47:37without any guys
00:47:38on the field.
00:47:38I'm telling you
00:47:39no guys were playing.
00:47:41Was it an imaginary
00:47:42game or something?
00:47:43No, it was a very
00:47:44real game.
00:47:46You've got to be
00:47:47pulling my leg.
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown
00:47:50without any guys.
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls
00:47:54football game.
00:47:56God damn, Gertrude!
00:48:00Gonna do some relish.
00:48:03Hmm.
00:48:05I think we'll
00:48:05top it off
00:48:06with some chocolate sauce.
00:48:09Oh, yeah.
00:48:12Stir that bad boy up.
00:48:14Hmm.
00:48:15One disaster on the rocks
00:48:17for the overconfident
00:48:18young bloke.
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:22I thought you
00:48:22didn't need to tap out.
00:48:23You're the root of it,
00:48:24remember?
00:48:25Drink up!
00:48:27And if you're going to
00:48:28barf, do it that way.
00:48:33Bye.
00:48:45I don't know what to do, but I don't know what to do.
00:49:03anymore now will we you fucking dummy
00:49:33you okay
00:49:34i am now
00:49:36nice barf fest
00:49:37oh yeah
00:49:39yeah i know all about that
00:49:41at my old apartment i accidentally ate a roach
00:49:44how do you accidentally eat a roach
00:49:46i was making food in my kitchen
00:49:48i turned my back for like two seconds and the little dirt bag made a break for my sandwich
00:49:53of course i didn't notice so i put the other piece of bread on top of the roach
00:49:57and didn't realize i was sharing my sandwich till it was too late
00:50:00i would have needed a tongue transplant after that
00:50:03oh yeah i was in the bathroom for the rest of the night
00:50:06was at least a small roach
00:50:08oh no small roaches were not welcome in my old apartment only the big ones
00:50:12these were the kind of roaches that could go to the bank and take out a loan
00:50:15that's how big they were
00:50:18as much as i loathe roaches
00:50:20i'd rather eat one than drink that nasty shit again
00:50:23i didn't think you were actually going to drink it
00:50:25i thought you would have been like i'm not drinking that shit are you knocking futz
00:50:29and i would have been like okay i wouldn't have drank it either
00:50:33but you went above and beyond
00:50:35you could have stopped me
00:50:36you could have but there's no entertainment value in that
00:50:52what's this?
00:50:53it's a punk war
00:50:54i'm at my wits end
00:50:56make my day twat scratch
00:50:59twitch
00:51:00twitch
00:51:00yeah you are
00:51:06you got one
00:51:07you got one
00:51:08i got you
00:51:20do you
00:51:23do you want
00:51:24do you want
00:51:25do you want
00:51:25do you want some more chips?
00:51:26um
00:51:27yeah
00:51:28chip me
00:51:46now as much as i'd like to relive my childhood
00:51:48there are some perks to being an adult
00:51:51like soiling the things that made being a kid so great
00:51:54i'm a huge children's show conspiracist
00:51:57me too
00:51:58let me hear one of your theories
00:51:59let me hear one of yours
00:52:00i asked you first
00:52:01i asked you second
00:52:03okay
00:52:04i have one for out of the box
00:52:06you remember that show?
00:52:07of course
00:52:08okay well get ready to hate me because you're beloved out of the box
00:52:13glorified pedophilia
00:52:14what?
00:52:16look at the premise
00:52:17a bunch of kids go and play in a box
00:52:19with a grown ass man and a grown ass woman
00:52:21tony and vivian were saints
00:52:23were they?
00:52:25did you ever ask yourself what do they really want?
00:52:28and more importantly
00:52:29did these kids parents give tony and vivian permission
00:52:32to play with their kids for hours on end in a box?
00:52:37unsupervised?
00:52:38i think not
00:52:39i would have never gotten pedophilia from out of the box
00:52:42of course not
00:52:44but who were tony and vivian?
00:52:46what did they do for a living?
00:52:47and why did they have so much free time
00:52:50to play with these kids alone in a fucking box?
00:52:54the whole come play with us ploy
00:52:56was just a way to lure these innocent children away
00:52:59so tony and vivian
00:53:00these so-called saints
00:53:02could have their way with them
00:53:03that sounds like a defamation lawsuit in the works
00:53:05what?
00:53:06these are just theories
00:53:07fictitious notions
00:53:09to help people like me
00:53:10who wish they could live in the 90s forever
00:53:12cope with the lost early years
00:53:15if i ruin the images of my favorite childhood shows
00:53:18cuts back on the sense of longing
00:53:20i'm just having a little fun with you
00:53:21i'm in the same boat
00:53:23i know
00:53:24so tell me one of your theories
00:53:26i have a johnny bravo theory
00:53:29let's hear it
00:53:30okay
00:53:34so
00:53:35i always found myself asking
00:53:37after watching johnny bravo
00:53:39why he never gets any girls
00:53:40yes he's an asshole
00:53:42yes he's arrogant
00:53:43yes he lacks subtlety
00:53:45but in the real world
00:53:47how many girls go after jerks?
00:53:49a lot
00:53:50so every girl that johnny has
00:53:52any type of interaction with
00:53:54always hates him?
00:53:55i don't buy it
00:53:56well he did live at home with his mom
00:53:59these girls don't know that
00:54:01how could they know that?
00:54:02they're just meeting him for the first time
00:54:04but
00:54:05that's something else
00:54:07here's my theory on why he's so unlucky with the ladies
00:54:10the johnny bravo that we
00:54:11as audience members see
00:54:12isn't the real johnny bravo
00:54:14the real johnny bravo is short
00:54:17bald
00:54:18possibly smelly
00:54:19rotund
00:54:21see in his distorted mind
00:54:23he created an idealized projection of his inner self
00:54:26the person he aspired to be
00:54:27so on the inside
00:54:29he's tall
00:54:30good looking
00:54:31strapping
00:54:32the quintessential manly man
00:54:34in the johnny bravo universe
00:54:36the women that interact with johnny bravo
00:54:38aren't seeing the johnny bravo that we see
00:54:41they're seeing
00:54:42a loser
00:54:44his true self
00:54:45i'll never look at johnny bravo the same way
00:54:48that's all i wanted
00:54:51so tell me something
00:54:53is it true that girls hate it when guys send hey
00:54:55as the first message?
00:54:57i'm indifferent to the whole creative first message thing
00:55:00but i do have some friends that get pretty flustered
00:55:03hmm
00:55:04is it also true that girls dms are 50% graphically perverted
00:55:08and 50% bland as hell?
00:55:11no it's more like 80% graphically perverted
00:55:15and 20% bland as hell
00:55:18so what's the weirdest thing a guy said to you?
00:55:21oh i have a hall of fame of weird messages
00:55:23most of them i don't like to repeat
00:55:25but i did have this one guy ask
00:55:27if he could lick the back of my neck
00:55:30what?
00:55:30yep he didn't lead into it
00:55:32didn't prepare me for his creepazoidery
00:55:34he just went for it
00:55:36and usually i'd block eyes like that immediately
00:55:38but i was kind of curious
00:55:40so i asked
00:55:42why do you want to lick the back of my neck?
00:55:44and he said
00:55:45he wanted to know what a champion to exploit
00:55:49oh
00:55:50i hate people sometimes
00:55:52sometimes?
00:55:54oh and i can't tell you how many dick pics i get
00:55:56i get one like every fucking day
00:55:58i got one this morning
00:55:59shit
00:56:00have you ever sent a dick pic?
00:56:02nope
00:56:02that's not even a consideration
00:56:04that shit travels online like an oil spill
00:56:08i'm not gonna lose my job
00:56:10cause there's pictures of me and mr pink floating around
00:56:12why is your penis called mr pink?
00:56:16because he goes in vaginas
00:56:18and vaginas are pink
00:56:20not all of them?
00:56:22eww
00:56:23so what's the weirdest thing a girl's ever said to you?
00:56:27i once had this girl ask me
00:56:29if she could borrow twenty thousand dollars
00:56:31to bail her dad out of jail
00:56:33are you serious?
00:56:34sorry
00:56:35and i told her that i couldn't
00:56:36because i just spent twenty k
00:56:38bailing my own dad out of jail
00:56:41drats
00:56:41i also had this one girl ask me
00:56:44if i was interested in letting her
00:56:45stick a stalk of celery up my ass
00:56:47god damn gertrude
00:56:50my messages are split in four categories
00:56:53the weirdy pants
00:56:54the tireless spam bots
00:56:56the racist bozos
00:56:57and the chill chicas
00:56:59am i a chill chica?
00:57:01you are
00:57:02i fucking better be
00:57:04i think it's funny how online dating has become a legitimate way to make a connection with someone
00:57:10but i still won't admit that i use it
00:57:12you have no idea how true that is
00:57:14i think like three of my friends know that i use dating apps
00:57:17because i mean yes it's commonplace
00:57:20but you still get judged so hard for it
00:57:22like why are you talking to people online
00:57:25that's so weird
00:57:26you can't find a boyfriend online
00:57:28like is it my life or is it yours?
00:57:32please say that again for our listeners at home
00:57:36is it my life or is it yours?
00:57:40tell it tell it like a t-i-s
00:57:43give me some
00:57:46put your hand down
00:57:47there you go
00:57:48there you go
00:57:49oh
00:57:49oh
00:57:49like this
00:57:52you know what that's wrong
00:57:53yeah
00:57:56okay
00:57:59look at the puppy
00:58:02my friend just sent me this
00:58:03look at his little ears
00:58:06if you do not think this is cute
00:58:08you have the devil in you
00:58:09no it is
00:58:10i just don't understand why people go cuckoo for coco pups
00:58:13every time they see a puppy or any other furry pint-sized animals
00:58:17because they're the cutest things ever
00:58:19and they represent all that's good in the world
00:58:22but here's what i'm trying to understand
00:58:24people die every day
00:58:26no one seems to care
00:58:28but let a puppy die or a kitten die
00:58:30and it's mass hysteria
00:58:32did you not hear what i just said
00:58:34cute animals represent all that's good in the world
00:58:37it's their only responsibility is to be cute and fluffy
00:58:40and let me hug your little functions
00:58:42is the baby voice necessary
00:58:44yes
00:58:47miss popular
00:58:49okay you want to see one of the messages guys send me
00:58:51here
00:58:53that violates so many health codes
00:58:55welcome to my dms
00:58:57sorry zanzystan46 but your ass is getting blocked
00:59:01these guys are barbarians
00:59:03i appreciate how disgusted you are
00:59:06but i'm sure you've sent your titillating messages
00:59:08nope
00:59:09i'm the boring guy really
00:59:11i usually start off with
00:59:12hey
00:59:13or
00:59:14what's your favorite tv show
00:59:16i mean look at our convos
00:59:18i haven't said anything too racy
00:59:19that's actually true
00:59:20you have been pretty racy tonight though
00:59:23because i'm comfortable
00:59:25i have that effect on people
00:59:27okay colonel comfortable
00:59:29how many girls have you brought back here
00:59:31not including me
00:59:32well that certainly escalated
00:59:35look the past is the past
00:59:37i'm not gonna hold anything against you
00:59:38i'm just curious
00:59:39i mean
00:59:41in total
00:59:42six girls have been here
00:59:44one of whom was underage
00:59:48um
00:59:48i didn't do anything with her
00:59:50i thought she was 24
00:59:52the second i realized that she was born post the amanda show
00:59:56i made her leave
00:59:58so
00:59:58one of the six girls you didn't do anything with
01:00:01what about the other ones
01:00:03you're not even trying to approach this with any delicacy
01:00:08why not just ask what you really want to ask
01:00:10how many girls have i slept with
01:00:12how many
01:00:13in my whole life
01:00:15four
01:00:16only four
01:00:17only four
01:00:18you want to get specific
01:00:21i was a virgin all through high school
01:00:23i lost my virginity when i was 20
01:00:26and only had one other partner in college
01:00:29after graduating
01:00:30i started using the dating apps
01:00:31and only managed to hook up with two girls
01:00:33no game
01:00:35actually
01:00:36and i'm not saying this to brag
01:00:38my body count could have been higher
01:00:39i had opportunities
01:00:40so why didn't you get it in
01:00:42i don't know any guys to shy away from sex
01:00:46why are you shaking your head
01:00:47because i'm gonna sound like such a wimp after saying this
01:00:50let me decide that all right
01:00:54i haven't had many partners because
01:00:56i guess
01:00:57i like the idea of being a mac
01:01:00more than actually being a mac
01:01:03now of course in the presence of my boys
01:01:05i've had women all around town
01:01:07but i want to return the honesty that you shared with me
01:01:11with a little honesty of my own
01:01:12i say a lot of things
01:01:14but
01:01:16i'm not having sex like that
01:01:17i mean
01:01:18i can be very sexually explicit with the things that i say
01:01:21but actually going out there and knocking them dead
01:01:27the only person aside from you that knows this
01:01:29is my friend hut
01:01:31and even he gets the edited version
01:01:33he thinks i've just hit a dry spell
01:01:36he doesn't know my low number of sexual partners is
01:01:42purposeful
01:01:45all right
01:01:45i give you full permission to rag on me
01:01:48i just don't want you thinking that
01:01:49i'm just the average fuck boy
01:01:51because i'm really not
01:01:52so
01:01:53so does this mean your dick
01:01:55isn't really named mr pink
01:01:58his real name is sheldon
01:02:00but he has been known to answer to mr pink sometimes
01:02:05i don't know you're telling me the truth
01:02:07what if this is just a line you feed all the other girls
01:02:10i would do that
01:02:11even if i was trying to run game one year
01:02:14i wouldn't do it by downplaying the number of girls i've slept with
01:02:17why not
01:02:18sensitive guys are in
01:02:19nothing that i'm saying is a line
01:02:21this is the real picaso
01:02:24isn't there women's intuition
01:02:26you have a knack for sensing the shit of the bull
01:02:31is there anything telling you that i'm being dishonest
01:02:36i'm all talk
01:02:38truthfully
01:02:39the idea of hooking up with hundreds of girls
01:02:43kind of gives me anxiety
01:02:45but
01:02:46i wear the pimp hat because
01:02:48you're a chameleon
01:02:52i've only been with five guys for the record
01:02:54i haven't had sex in over three years
01:02:57been on some dates but
01:02:59nothing got physical
01:03:01not since mr not so perfect
01:03:04do you go to these guys houses
01:03:06at first i vowed
01:03:08to keep meetings in public areas
01:03:10you know just in case i had to deal with another psycho
01:03:13but
01:03:14then i realized
01:03:15a lot of guys wear their mr perfect masks
01:03:18they say what they think they need to say
01:03:21to get the second date
01:03:23anything to get the final prize which is
01:03:25the boom boom boom
01:03:28when i finally got my zing back
01:03:30and stopped thinking every guy was a predator
01:03:32i started accepting invitations to houses
01:03:35which i know is a very unsafe thing to do but
01:03:39i think the best way to observe someone is in their natural habitat
01:03:44their home
01:03:45i'm not a complete lame brain
01:03:48i do have mace and other defensive materials on deck
01:03:51no i'm the scared one
01:03:53just what i wanted
01:03:56okay i want to see something
01:03:57i want to see your best fuckboy
01:04:00what
01:04:01act like i'm not me
01:04:03you're not you
01:04:04we're strangers in the night
01:04:06how would you approach me if you were actually the player you pretend to be
01:04:11isn't it too early for role playing
01:04:13shut up come on
01:04:14this is your chance to authenticate your smoothness
01:04:17i want to see you pick me up
01:04:19but i already got you to my apartment
01:04:21we're not in your apartment
01:04:23pretend
01:04:23we're in a cafe
01:04:26i'm already here drinking my raspberry ice latte
01:04:29you come in for your usual double espresso and crumb cake
01:04:34you see me over yonder
01:04:36attached to my phone
01:04:37whatever does the big player player do
01:04:41you really want to do this
01:04:42i wasn't oddly specific for nothing
01:04:46okay
01:04:57okay cut
01:04:58can you not walk like you're about to backhand me
01:05:01i was just feeling out the character all right
01:05:03do it again
01:05:25hi
01:05:26hello
01:05:27what's that
01:05:28raspberry latte
01:05:30yes it is
01:05:32sweet drink for a sweet lady
01:05:35okay you're not good at this
01:05:36no no no no no no let me do it again
01:05:38sweet drink for a sweet lady
01:05:40that works on some girls
01:05:42doesn't work on this girl
01:05:43start over
01:05:45start over
01:05:46but you're really not doing well
01:05:47oh
01:05:48everybody's a critic
01:05:51hmm
01:06:08hey
01:06:09hi
01:06:10i see you're enjoying your drink
01:06:13and i don't want to take up too much of your time
01:06:15but
01:06:16i knew i'd kick myself later
01:06:18if i didn't come over and say something
01:06:20even if nothing comes of it
01:06:22i'm daryl
01:06:24you don't have to tell me your name
01:06:25i'll just
01:06:27i'll just call you beautiful
01:06:30i've seen you in here every day this week
01:06:33coming in
01:06:33drinking your latte
01:06:35and i've always wanted to talk to you
01:06:37but
01:06:37i'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time
01:06:40so
01:06:41the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself
01:06:44but
01:06:46seven times
01:06:49i've seen you here seven times
01:06:52usually i don't believe in signs
01:06:54but
01:06:54this can't be ignored
01:06:56i had to come talk to you
01:06:59now
01:07:01i'm not asking for your number
01:07:03and i'm not asking you on a date
01:07:05i just wanted to introduce myself
01:07:08so i'm going to go over there
01:07:10and grab my double espresso
01:07:11and crumb cake
01:07:13then go sit over there
01:07:15and
01:07:16if you wanted to join me
01:07:20i would not mind that
01:07:24nice to meet you
01:07:27beautiful
01:07:49not too shabby daryl
01:07:51not too shabby at all
01:07:52i'm not a wizard
01:07:54but i got the magic
01:07:56saying shit like that
01:07:58is going to annul
01:07:58everything you just did
01:08:00so
01:08:00no more of that
01:08:01okay
01:08:01do i get your stamp of approval though
01:08:03i suppose
01:08:06then where's my reward
01:08:07what do you want
01:08:09some heroin would be nice
01:08:10sure
01:08:11let me just grab some from my purse
01:08:14no but there is something that i do want
01:08:16and what would that be
01:08:20um
01:08:22um
01:08:24i
01:08:28oh my god
01:08:38you're terrible at being yourself
01:08:39you know that
01:08:41you know i wanted to kiss you
01:08:43duh
01:08:44we've been leaning up to it for a while now
01:08:46you should have kissed me when we were by the stairs
01:08:48i know i wanted to
01:08:49that would have been a moment
01:08:51i just
01:08:52or usually like to ask girls before i kiss them
01:08:55why
01:08:56i don't want to throw myself on someone
01:08:58that's weird
01:09:00you wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me
01:09:02i wanted it too
01:09:04what if you didn't
01:09:06that's what the mace is for
01:09:09after you shave
01:09:10do you slap on the aftershave
01:09:12or do you dab it on gently
01:09:13dab it on gently
01:09:14of course you do
01:09:16sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind
01:09:19you talked about women's intuition right
01:09:21guys have it too
01:09:22you knew i wanted to kiss you
01:09:24you felt exactly what i felt
01:09:26should have just went for it
01:09:38much better
01:09:39but
01:09:40next time
01:09:41do it without us having to talk about it
01:09:42next time
01:09:44next time
01:09:49weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight
01:09:51i think we were
01:09:53we still can
01:09:54young is the night
01:09:55you want to pick
01:09:57i shall pick the genre
01:09:58comedy all the way
01:10:00there's comedy you want
01:10:02there's comedy you'll get
01:10:04i know exactly what to do
01:10:31this new edition of big bang creation up
01:10:34i'm more just placing the headphones
01:10:36to turn on and start them
01:10:37flip my keyboard and say beg your pardon
01:10:39as i pursue to join the squadron
01:10:41astronaut is starting and starving
01:10:43no comedy like stevie and harvey
01:10:45cause they did not regard me
01:10:46proportions are gold
01:10:47controllers go
01:10:48spaceships powered by producing flow
01:10:51this fast food
01:10:52reproducing dope from low
01:10:54hopefully how we can go
01:10:56and the people of earth are so low
01:10:58and i'm just an alien awaiting them
01:11:01in the starship
01:11:02from the motherland
01:11:04in another land
01:11:05just another man
01:11:06the beat funky
01:11:07make a rock safe brother man
01:11:09like 70s sold by your future man
01:11:11where we go
01:11:12where we go
01:11:13where we go
01:11:16where we go
01:11:17where we go
01:11:18where we go
01:11:19we go
01:11:22we go
01:11:23we go
01:11:33We go