00:07Grab your fucking martini and lower your expectations to the basement, darling,
00:13because we are diving headfirst into this shit show that is The Wasp Woman, 1959.
00:22If you ever thought your skincare routine was torture,
00:25just wait until you see what this desperate broad does for a glow-up.
00:45Here is the tea on this absolute train wreck, served with a twist of lemon and a shot of venom.
00:54As you can see, gentlemen, sales for the last fiscal quarter.
01:00...have dropped 14.5%.
01:05There has not been a corresponding drop in our competitor sales.
01:10I trust one of you gentlemen has a satisfactory explanation for this decline.
01:19Starlin products have always been thought of as something of a modern miracle in the cosmetics trade.
01:25A firm built to a multi-million dollar a year business on the strength and appeal of one person, Janice
01:31Starlin.
01:32From the beginning right through until February of this year, only one woman's face was used to advertise those products.
01:39Your face, Miss Starlin.
01:40The public have come to accept you as a symbol.
01:44Well, now, after 16 years, they see a different face.
01:48They don't trust it.
01:50The audacity of these dicks.
01:52We start with a board meeting where a room full of assholes in ill-fitting suits tell the CEO, Janice
01:59Starlin,
02:00that sales are dropping because, gasp, she's aging.
02:04The fucking horror.
02:06Apparently, in the 1950s, if a woman had a single crow's foot, the entire company's stock plummeted to hell.
02:13The fragility of the male ego is the only thing more transparent than this bullshit plot.
02:19You're old.
02:20Get the fuck out, they basically say.
02:22Charming.
02:24The scientist who definitely needs a background check.
02:27Enter Dr. Zinthrop, a weirdo who looks like he got his medical degree from a cereal box.
02:34He's obsessed with wasps and royal jelly.
02:37He claims he can reverse aging, which naturally sounds completely legitimate
02:42and not at all like a back-alley scam run by a guy who probably sniffs bicycle seats.
02:47He literally warns her.
02:49The queen wasp is on a level with the black widow spider.
02:52Strictly a one-sided romance.
02:55Yes, how do you do?
02:57I'm afraid I won't be able to give you much time, Mr. Zinthrop.
03:00But it is I who give you the time, Miss Starlin.
03:04Oh, yes, plenty of time I give you.
03:06Ten, maybe fifteen years I give you.
03:12I want you to understand one thing very clearly, Mr. Zinthrop.
03:16I expect absolute proof of what you've claimed in your letter.
03:20Tangible proof, not words.
03:22Such proof you shall get, madame.
03:24And more.
03:26I'd stay away from wasps if I were you, Mr. Owen.
03:29Socially, the queen wasp is on a level with the black widow spider.
03:33They're both carnivorous.
03:34They paralyze their victims and then take their time devouring them alive.
03:38Translation, this will turn you into a homicidal bug monster, you dumb bitch.
03:43Janice's reaction, whatever.
03:45Does it get rid of my wrinkles?
03:47Jesus Christ, lady.
03:49The beauty treatment from hell.
03:52Janice, clearly the smartest businesswoman in the world, decides to become the guinea pig for an untested serum made from
03:59wasp enzymes.
04:00Honey, I've done some desperate shit for clear skin, but injecting bug juice from a creep who keeps wasps in
04:08a shed is a bridge too fucking far.
04:10She doesn't even ask for an FDA approval letter.
04:14Desperation is a cologne, Jan, and you are marinating in it.
04:18My formula may not be good for human beings.
04:21I have not tested yet.
04:25You will, I mean.
04:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
04:28It might be danger.
04:29Those are my terms, Mr. Zinthrop.
04:32Janice Starlin will be your next guinea pig.
04:36Very well.
04:37The side effects.
04:39Zinthrop tells her she looks at least five years younger.
04:43Five years?
04:44She risked genetic mutation to look like she just had a good nap?
04:48The bar is an owl.
04:50There are going to be a few red faces in my advertising department.
04:54But I am right.
04:55Why, your own mirror will tell you that I am right.
04:58Why, you look at least five years younger than you looked three weeks ago.
05:03I know.
05:05Meanwhile, her employees are gossiping about her sudden youth.
05:09The shade in the office is thicker than the shitty makeup she's selling.
05:13One girl says she wishes she could be 18 again.
05:16Hi.
05:17Hi, sweetie.
05:19Gee, I sure hope they give the girls working at Starlin for us crack up that new stuff.
05:24Imagine being 18 again?
05:27I guess if it can take 15 years off Starlin, it can take 10 off you.
05:32Careful what you wish for, sweetie, or the boss might eat you for lunch.
05:36Literally ripped to shreds.
05:39The climax, if you can call it that.
05:42The big reveal.
05:44Zinthrop wakes up from a convenient coma.
05:46Just in time to scream, she will destroy the girl.
05:50Devour the remains.
05:52She's in danger.
05:53You must stop her before it's still late.
05:54Okay, as long as the cops get here, we'll take her.
05:56Oh, you fool, you fool.
05:58Miss Starlin will kill her and tear her body to shreds.
06:01Miss Starlin, kill Mary?
06:05Miss Starlin is not a human being any longer.
06:08The enzymes have changed her.
06:10And then we see it.
06:12The transformation.
06:13Or, should I say, the lack thereof.
06:16When Janice turns into the Wasp Woman, she essentially just puts on a fuzzy hat and some gloves she found
06:22in a dumpster.
06:23The special effects budget was clearly $5 in a pack of cigarettes.
06:27She looks less like a terrifying monster and more like a mascot for a failing pest control company.
06:34It's fucking embarrassing.
06:36Verdict?
06:36This movie is a cautionary tale, not about tampering with nature, but about listening to men who tell you you're
06:43expired.
06:44Janice didn't need wasp ensigns.
06:46She needed to fire the whole board and get laid.
06:51That's the Wasp Woman and it's a one garbage can disaster.
06:55And can we please stop getting me in drag for these shows?
06:59No!
07:01The trailer barks forever wild.
07:04Camp and gore deliciously vile.
07:08Laps and screams we've just begun.
07:12Watch the chaos we've only won.
07:19Creepy laps and mutant bees.
07:23Blood and slime and oddity.
07:27From corpse to creature, nothing's wrong.
07:30We watch, we watch, we roast, we sing along.
07:35The trailer barks forever wild.
07:40Camp and gore deliciously vile.
07:44Laps and screams we've just begun.
07:47Watch the chaos we've only won.
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