00:02Look, I get it. No one wants to work. It sucks. All you want to do is hang out on
00:07the beach with your friends, burn through all your fat stacks of cash and look hot.
00:11But then you would become homeless and die of exposure. Welcome to How to Get a Job.
00:17You have to update your resume today because getting a job means being your own pimp and your own whore.
00:22People aren't going to want to hire you if they don't think you're good at sex. I mean, your job.
00:27First, you have to come up with a list of skills you have.
00:30You can almost do a head stick.
00:34And no matter how drunk you are, you always remember to put in your retainer.
00:40Good job, dude!
00:42You are the most effective mediator when it comes to squad infighting.
00:46Ladies?
00:48These skills might all be important to you, but they're just about as useful as a resume written in Wingdings.
00:54You're going to take your real life experiences and lie about them to make yourself look better on paper.
00:59But remember, it's not lying. It's branding.
01:03When you were a camp counselor, you convinced all those city kids to touch an earthworm.
01:07Rebrand camp counselor to youth coordinator.
01:10You were a barista.
01:12Now you're a fair trade coordinator.
01:16You were an intern.
01:18Now you're...
01:22Well, who are we kidding?
01:24You were just an intern.
01:26Once you've finalized your resume, you'll send it off to 30 different companies.
01:30Here's what happens to it.
01:36Look, you're not going to get a job just by sending out a million resumes out into the void.
01:40You're going to get a job by setting up as many informational meetings as you can.
01:44Hi, is this the university alumni office?
01:46I'm looking for hot, single professionals in my area.
01:53You'll be able to con a few professionals into having a cup of coffee with you.
01:57You'll pay for the coffee.
01:59But halfway through the low, low-stakes meeting, you'll realize you're being interviewed for real.
02:04So what would you say is your greatest weakness?
02:07Up next on how to get a job.
02:11My greatest weakness?
02:13Mhm.
02:20Yeah, I count this as a weakness.
02:24Oh, you wrote that down here.
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