00:00Hi, thank you for coming.
00:02Thank you for having us.
00:03My name is Kyle.
00:04I'm Brenda.
00:05Hi, my name is Matt.
00:07I'm Ewan.
00:09I'm Millie.
00:11I'm Phillip.
00:12And we met on SatanicSoulmates.com.
00:16We did. Just about an hour ago.
00:18Yeah.
00:19Yes, we are a part of the Church of Satan.
00:22And we're here to, I guess, give you guys a little introduction to what we do around here.
00:28Yeah.
00:31What got you guys into Satanism?
00:33For me, personally, it was the community.
00:36To meet girls, man.
00:38I really wanted to find the love of my life, yeah.
00:41Yeah, I really needed someone to really, like, hold me up and uplift me.
00:46And I think I found that.
00:47Yeah, and the Christian girls are just, like, so annoying.
00:54And it's, like, so, like, I don't know.
00:58There's just, like, so much.
00:59Do you know Christian girls?
01:00I don't.
01:01Oh, okay.
01:04Next question.
01:05Have you practiced anything?
01:06My mom, tragically, was murdered in cold blood by a banshee.
01:11Have you practiced anything else in your lifetime?
01:14Yeah, I was raised as a Christian.
01:16My parents were Jewish.
01:19Karate, yeah.
01:21Oh.
01:21I did karate whenever I was, like, six, I think.
01:23Do you two believe in God?
01:26Oh.
01:28Of course I believe in God.
01:30I, you know, Satan's gotta fight someone.
01:33I saw him in a dream once.
01:34It was actually, um, the night after my mom was fucking murdered in cold blood.
01:41Uh, what is your role in the comedy?
01:45I'm, um, I'm the event organizer.
01:50I'm the treasurer.
01:51Thank you so much for asking.
01:53I made the website, um, with Wix.com.
01:58Oh, I decorate.
02:00Yeah, and I'm the keeper of the secret blade.
02:03Um, it's, it's very secret.
02:05I haven't seen it.
02:06Um, but I am the keeper of it.
02:08Um, so yeah, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
02:19Does your comedian have beef with church?
02:23Beef?
02:24I didn't-
02:25I can still hear the screams.
02:27Um, no, we-
02:27Yeah, we have beef with most churches.
02:34Can you repeat the question?
02:36Well, I think it's just best to move on.
02:38Okay.
02:38Do you guys have a favorite set?
02:43Um, I would say what I've been told mostly is pride.
02:46Is, is what I've been associated with.
02:49But equal all across the spectrum.
02:51I don't like to put one over the other.
02:53That's a godly thing to do.
02:54Yeah, um, and I'd say envy.
02:56I like the way it's spelled.
03:00Probably lust.
03:00Like.
03:02Mine's definitely sloth.
03:05Yeah.
03:06Mm-hmm.
03:06I'm definitely a sloth baddie.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I also, uh, I don't- I'm kind of intrigued by the- the killing neighbors one.
03:13What do you believe Satan looks like?
03:16Um, I think- I think most people have the depiction, right?
03:20I think he's, uh, uh, red with the horns, um, and he probably does have a pitchfork.
03:25I imagine he has a really nice farm.
03:28That's cute.
03:29Tall, handsome, slick back, brown hair, black suit, black pants, nice shoes, nice black tie,
03:36red shirt.
03:37You had no Tom Holland?
03:39Satan to me is more of a concept, I would say.
03:43Um, it's not something you see as much as something you feel.
03:47What?
03:48Adam Driver.
03:50Yeah, that's- I was thinking more purple.
03:54Are you aware of the Satanic House of- Are you aware of the Satanic House of Newport?
03:58If so, what are your thoughts about this group?
04:00Yeah, I've heard about them.
04:02They're just complete pussies, really.
04:04Ewan's probably right, um, but there is this guy named Frank and he's pretty cool.
04:08Um, and sometimes he wants me to, like, smoke cigarettes with him.
04:10I had a few friends in that group.
04:14Um, they're no longer with us.
04:18So, if that's what you're asking.
04:21Are you talking about the cigarettes?
04:23No.
04:24Are you still in contact with your family?
04:25If so, how do they feel about your choice of religion?
04:30Um, uh, yes, they still invite me to family dinners.
04:33Um, and I- and I go, uh, at least, like, once or twice a week.
04:37Um, and they also invite me to Christmas, but we don't celebrate Christmas because we're Satanists.
04:41Um, so we celebrate, um, something else on that day.
04:46I thought I told you to stop going to family dinners, but that's fine, that's fine.
04:50I'm sorry.
04:51Um, of course I cut my family off a while ago.
04:53They, uh, they got me into Christianity, as you know, and Christ ruined my life.
04:58I was just sitting at dinner, and there was, like, a buzz on everybody's phone.
05:02And I was like, oh, what is everybody laughing at?
05:04And they were like, oh, we have a group chat.
05:06And I'm like, whoa, what's the group chat?
05:07And they're like, oh, it's the family group chat.
05:10But I'm in the family, and, like, I wasn't part of that group chat.
05:14It's not fair that they did that to you.
05:15No, it's not.
05:17It's not fair.
05:17I'm sorry, my heart is pounding from anger.
05:25I still talk to my dad.
05:31My mom.
05:33Does your commune participate in sacrificial rituals?
05:37No, no, no.
05:39Well, that's messed up.
05:40We wouldn't do that.
05:41God, no.
05:42No.
05:43No.
05:45No.
05:46No.
05:48I mean, yeah.
05:49Yes.
05:50Now I forgot my mom!
05:51It was, it was, fuck.
05:53Do you know any cannibals in your commune?
05:56Um.
05:59In a metaphorical sense.
06:02Yeah, yeah.
06:03Yeah, yeah.
06:06My karate teacher, Larry Stinkleton.
06:11Yeah, that's about me.
06:12The finger and toe salad, um, has been a crowd favorite.
06:16A little bit of a weird one.
06:17Should Satanists pay taxes?
06:19No.
06:21No, I mean, I do think that every American should contribute to the economy equally.
06:28But for Satanists, we're better than them, so...
06:33Is that even a question?
06:34No!
06:35I don't know anything about that, to be honest.
06:38I don't know anything about taxes.
06:40No.
06:40No.
06:41What is Satanism to you?
06:43I'll let you go first.
06:45Satanism, to me, well, it's kind of like a big baby, you know, that you, that you nurture,
06:54but in return, the baby also nurtures you, you know?
06:58So I feel like a parent, but I also feel like I'm being parented by what I'm parenting.
07:03So, it gets me a little emotional, because it's just really, really beautiful.
07:08I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
07:11Um, Satanism is a way to stick it to the man upstairs.
07:14My end goal, once I inevitably die, is to meet up with Satan and lead a revolution against God himself
07:21and take his kingdom.
07:22Satanism is love.
07:24Satanism is life.
07:26Satanism is family.
07:27It's everything that's good in the world, and I'm so thankful for it.
07:35Like, you know that feeling, like, when you just, like, you have, like, it's like you get an ice cream
07:41cone and you drop it on the ground.
07:43You're just filled with that kind of, like, I hate everything, everything sucks.
07:48Yeah, it's just a complete waste of time, in my opinion.
07:51Yeah.
07:52Not, not Satanism.
07:53Yeah, I hope not.
07:54No, no, not Satanism.
07:55Just being, not part of Satanism.
07:57Okay.
07:58More of a concept, more of a spiritual being, more of something that you feel.
08:05So, Satanism to me is, is the truest form of knowing.
08:13I know everything.
08:16And...
08:20I want to kill God because he took my mother away from me.
08:24So, these are some pictures of Satan in many forms of media.
08:30We'll move down the line.
08:30What about, uh, the first one?
08:32No hair, no shirt.
08:34I mean, he's really not even that handsome.
08:36Facial hair is really not something I expected Satan to have.
08:39Uh, no tie either.
08:43I don't see the shoes.
08:44I expect him to have nice shoes on, but that's yet to be seen.
08:49Like, why is, like, my thing is just, like, why are they all so, like, oily?
08:53But, like, you know, this guy, he's cool, I guess.
08:57The horns, it's just a bit unnecessary.
09:01It's too much.
09:01It's too much.
09:02It's too distracting.
09:03Like, I'm looking at the guy, I'm like, those horns, that's just too much.
09:07You're supposed to really see Satan's heart, not his horns.
09:11Yes.
09:11It's about the inside of Satan, not the outside.
09:14That is a great little thing you just came up with there.
09:18Yeah, it is.
09:19Thanks, I know.
09:20Yeah.
09:21Uh, the third depiction of Mephistopheles.
09:23Right.
09:25Oh.
09:26Is that Dracula?
09:28Now, three, there's some mystique there.
09:30I like the clothes, nice pointy shoes down there.
09:33I would say it's pretty accurate.
09:34I like the mysterious look.
09:36It could really be anyone if you think about it.
09:38Use Drake Parker's interpretation from South Park.
09:40Don't even get me started on this.
09:42This is really offensive.
09:44Who's that little man next to him?
09:47That's Donald Trump.
09:48Oh.
09:49Hmm.
09:50He was the president.
09:52And the last one, a 13th century depiction from the Koenigsegis.
09:56Uh huh.
09:58One of the earliest interpretations of Satan.
10:00Oh.
10:00You know, I, again, don't understand the horns.
10:04Yeah, yeah, they should've, they should've asked me.
10:07Did you notice a fupa?
10:08I don't know what the fuck a fupa is.
10:11A fat upper pussy ergo.
10:13Oh.
10:14Look.
10:15It doesn't really look like Adam Driver though, I don't-
10:17No, I would say it's kinda, it's for the most part pretty accurate.
10:19The only thing I would change is the horns and the, I don't know why he's wearing, um, underoos.
10:25I believe it's a fupa.
10:26Like, oh.
10:27A fupa?
10:28Yeah.
10:28Oh.
10:29What's a fupa?
10:30Fat upper pussy area.
10:32Oh.
10:33Right.
10:33Um.
10:34Huh.
10:34Alright.
10:35I didn't know we had-
10:37That's so interesting.
10:39I don't, I, you know, is, if those are magical, I think that, I think that Satan has a fupa.
11:10And I'm the, I'm the keeper of the secret blade.
11:15Um, we haven't seen it.
11:17Um, but I'm the keeper of it.
11:19Yes.
11:20Fuck.
11:21Fuck.
11:22I can't speak.
11:23I can't speak.
11:24I can't speak.
11:25That would be your fault if it's been said that one.
11:27A, oh, I can't speak.
11:27But, I mean, I can't speak.
11:27We haven't seen this, right?
11:28I can't speak.
11:28I can't speak.
11:28I can't speak.
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