00:10I've only ever felt love, like, twice, but properly, properly, you know, the first time
00:24was with my wife, Lily, and the second time was with Dilly, and both times, I felt it straight
00:41away, it was right there, the start of my chest, it didn't move, it didn't leave, I didn't
00:52really have to think about it, never really had to question it, it was always just, uh, I
01:07felt something like that again, it's, um, it's Leah, and I don't know what that sounds,
01:20that, yeah, because she's with him and I'm with Ricky, that should be enough, shouldn't
01:23it, just doing the right thing, being there for someone, showing up.
01:30Ricky, she needs me, you know, she's, she's not in a great place right now, and I can see
01:35that, and I'm not that kind of person, just walk away from something like that, so maybe
01:43it's not about what I want, maybe it's, maybe it's about what I do. That's not really a secret,
01:53though, is it? That's just something I'm trying to figure out.
02:08I don't really know what I'm supposed to say. Like, it's supposed to be honest, or just
02:14interesting, because I can do interesting. I'm Vicky. I'm 21. I run a salon. Um, been engaged,
02:29was nearly married, cheated. The last guy I was with is in prison now. I lost a baby,
02:43was nearly sold, actually got taken, and, yeah, still, every morning I just open the
02:51shutters and pretend I'm normal. I think I've built a version of myself that people can
02:57understand, like men, they can understand me. I know how to be the girl that's wanted, and
03:04how to be picked. You just smile and flirt, and basically you make them feel like they've
03:11got something over you, when actually you're the one who's choosing. But, um, the only thing
03:16about that is that it stops working. Or maybe it doesn't stop working. Maybe you just stop
03:22believing it. Like, when I look at someone like Leah, she walks into a room, and she is
03:26that room. There's no effort, I'm second guessing, and she doesn't need to wait to be chosen,
03:32because she's already decided that she is the prize. And I just, uh, I'll stand next to her,
03:41and I suddenly feel like I've been trying too hard my whole life. And that's stupid, um, because, like,
03:54I know I'm attractive. Like, I absolutely know that. I've been told that since I was 14. So...
04:02But I think there's a... there's a difference in being attractive and enough. And I don't always
04:15feel like I'm enough. Especially not next to her. And I hate that I think like that, because it's
04:22different. But it's not like, oh, she's prettier than me. It's not like it's deeper than that.
04:27The way that people speak to her is different. But they look at her, and listen to her, and
04:35the assumptions that they make about her. It's like she belongs in certain spaces without
04:41needing to prove it. And I don't know if that's just because she's more confident or
04:45because she's richer. Or if it's because she's white. I don't even know if I'm allowed to say
04:54something like that without getting told I'm dramatic. Or whatever it is when people...
05:00When you bring that up to people. But it's there. Like, it's in the room. And then you start noticing
05:07the little things like how your boyfriend looks at her when he thinks that you're not watching.
05:12And how you feel is needed to be... smaller. And better. And shinier just to keep up.
05:28So then you do something mad. And you make a pass at someone else. And it's just to see if
05:34you've still got it. You don't actually like him like that. But not really. It's not about them.
05:41I don't think I've slept that long before. I think I've got a problem with food. And it sounds so
05:55small
05:56when you say it like that. Like, oh, just eat a bit while you'll be quiet. I can't. I can't.
06:03It's...
06:05It's like every bite. And everything. I'm... I'm so aware of it. And when I don't eat, I feel like
06:19I'm in control. And like I'm doing something right. And like I've earned being here.
06:28And I know that that sounds messed up. But it's quiet. It's just skipping meals and saying
06:39what you've eaten when you haven't. And choosing safe food. And I know that that's not healthy
06:47for me. And it could end really badly. I know that I'm not an idiot. But people don't clock it.
06:55Because girls like me, we're not the ones that you think of when you think of that.
07:03It's supposed to be confident and strong and resilient. And it's supposed to be disappearing.
07:21So you get away with that. And it becomes this thing that is just yours. And it's your secret.
07:31And it's the one thing that no one can comment on or ruin or take away from you.
07:46Until you start here saying it all out loud and you realise that actually it's not yours at all.
07:53It's just another way that you try and make yourself feel like you're enough.
08:00I don't know how to start. I think this is me starting to admit that I need to.
