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Short filmTranscript
00:14I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:56Oh, hello, possums, and what a lovely, what a lovely,
00:59moving welcome that was to me. I mustn't get too emotional like that unsavoury creature
01:07who just introduced me. Must I? I've got to keep my cool tonight because it's an event.
01:14It's another event. A few years ago, many moons ago now, I allowed myself to be probed
01:21by a celebrity audience in these London weekend studios. I said, anything goes, I let it all
01:29hang out. And, of course, that's now television history, isn't it? It's become a little classic,
01:37little people made pirate videos of it. It's being used in schools, all that kind of thing.
01:45And I'm in the hot seat again tonight. London weekend, I know, tried that little experiment
01:50with a few other so-called celebrities. And frankly, frankly, I mean this in a nice way,
01:56the magic didn't work. I'm not going to name names. I don't need to, do I, darlings?
02:03But tonight, of course, it's going to work again because this is what's called peer group
02:08therapy, isn't it? I'm here with my peer group. Well, you're all sitting there peering at me
02:15anyway. And that's my definition of a peer group. And we've got little celebrities here
02:22tonight. Of course, there mightn't be celebrities everywhere. I mean this nicely, but if this
02:28show goes out by satellite, say to Venezuela or Newfoundland or even Tasmania, frankly, those
02:37of you who deem yourself to be celebrities will mean absolutely nothing to that audience.
02:44But then, I mean, the chances are I'll be the only person they recognize.
02:51But there are several categories of celeb, aren't there? There are sort of what I call
02:56AM celebrities and FM celebrities. You know, some of their little beams don't always travel
03:02as far as they might, but that doesn't matter, does it? Because we all enjoy ourselves.
03:08Of course, there are some people here that I won't recognize. I'm sorry. I'll try to.
03:13I'll pretend I recognize you. The chances are I won't know you from Adam, though. I might.
03:19And there are some people here, too, who you might recognize. They could be my heavies.
03:24They could be. Because naturally, I mean, I have little security problems and the audience
03:29is bristling with a few little heavies of mine, my little minders. I don't mean this
03:35in a sort of awful way, but I hope you enjoy yourselves if you don't appear to enjoy yourselves
03:42because they can take the law into their own hands.
03:46Well, you could find yourself at the bottom of Sydney Harbour if you don't like.
03:50You could. Mind you, you probably wouldn't reach the bottom. You'd be eaten by a shark first.
03:57But a lot of people have urged me to go up market a bit.
04:02You know, I had a reputation for being a comedian for quite...
04:06Oh, look at me, being a bit of...
04:07Why didn't you tell me?
04:11I had a bit of a reputation for being a comedian, which I...
04:15Not really. People said to me,
04:16David, why do you always have to be funny?
04:20Why can't you be like other Australian comedians?
04:22And I thought of it.
04:25I'm feeling so relaxed and really a lovely warm mood.
04:29I'm in one of my gorgeous moods. I don't, as I say, need to do it because
04:33I'm not really a professional. I don't need to tell you this.
04:36I was born with a precious gift in Melbourne. I'm an Australian, incidentally.
04:42I was born in Melbourne with a priceless gift.
04:47Dame nature must have stooped over my little bassinet
04:50and gave me this gift.
04:52It was the ability, the priceless ability, to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
04:57And, you know...
05:02And that keeps me cheerful 24 hours a day.
05:09But, I'm going to now throw it open.
05:11I've been chatting twice as long as I should have
05:14because this is a sharing evening.
05:16This is where we share.
05:18Isn't it?
05:19And so, I'm going to use a very, very wonderful expression of the 1980s now.
05:25I'm going to say,
05:26Sock it to me, possums!
05:30Look at them all.
05:31Yes, you!
05:32It's Dame Kiri, you gorgeous thing.
05:35And can I say to you this, my little Kiwi,
05:38my precious little golden-voiced one.
05:41Can I say this to you before you ask me your little probing question?
05:46That I put you up for that little dame.
05:48That I did.
05:50My little friend, I did.
05:53I said...
05:56The powers that be who'll be watching this, by the way,
05:59and they'll be so grateful for my discretion.
06:01But they said to me,
06:02Who else but you?
06:03Is there any other Antipodean songbird?
06:07And I said,
06:08There's little Kiri.
06:09There is.
06:10Goodness, we're proud of you, darling.
06:12What's your question?
06:13Thank you very much.
06:15I wondered if you were ever at all interested in maybe opera or operetta.
06:20And what do you think about the Mary Wooda?
06:23Would it suit you?
06:25Would it?
06:28Well, it almost would, Kiri.
06:30Unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, my husband is still with us.
06:35Cruefully enough, I'm wearing Norm's watch.
06:38I am.
06:38This is Norm's watch,
06:39and I think I must be probably the only woman in the world
06:42who wears a husband's watch while he's still alive.
06:45Isn't that wonderful?
06:48But opera...
06:48Oh, yes, I'm into that.
06:50Of course, the operas I love are the ones you're in, Kiri,
06:52and I'm not just saying that.
06:54Well, yes, in fact, I am.
06:57Now, I can't tell a fib, can I?
06:59I have to be a terrifically direct type of a woman.
07:03Too direct sometimes.
07:04You know, I'm going to come out with a few things tonight
07:06that might even give offence.
07:07I'm sorry if I do.
07:08I wouldn't mean it.
07:09I'll mean it nice.
07:10If I insult you,
07:11I'll do it nicely.
07:13I promise you.
07:14And you'll, in a way,
07:15you'll forgive me afterwards.
07:16Kiri, I love the opera,
07:18and there are parts in the theatre, too,
07:19that I'd like to do.
07:20I am, in a way, an actress.
07:22I've been accepted by the theatre.
07:25But, I don't know.
07:26I'm basically, I think, an amateur.
07:28I'm just a person.
07:29I'm a sort of phenomenon, I suppose, you'd say.
07:32Funny me that I can actually speak of myself
07:34in an objective way.
07:35That constantly establishes me.
07:39Yes.
07:40The little, oh, hello, Clive.
07:42How are you?
07:42One of my fellow Australians.
07:44A little protege of mine, too, if I may say so.
07:47Thanks very much, Aunt Edna.
07:49I wonder if I could,
07:50I wonder if I could ask an intimate question
07:52about you and your husband, Norm.
07:54We know that you and he have always been,
07:56we know that you and he have always been deeply in love
07:58and that he's been a solid pillar of fidelity to you
08:01and you to him over the years
08:03and, indeed, the decades.
08:04But I wonder if...
08:11I didn't know I had a guest artist on the show.
08:19I'm just getting to the peroration now, Aunt Edna.
08:21But I wonder if your eyes ever strayed.
08:23I wonder if you've ever been attracted to other men than Norm.
08:27And I wonder what attracts you in other men.
08:28What sort of men are you attracted to?
08:32I am attracted to other men.
08:33Clive, you've asked me a direct question
08:35and I'm answering you very, very directly on the media
08:38in front of all these people, yes.
08:44I'm a woman, I have drives and I have juices,
08:46as I've mentioned before.
08:51And my husband has been,
08:52has not been a well person for many, many years.
08:56Oh, most amusing.
08:59Let me know when your loved ones are in intensive care.
09:03Let me know.
09:08I'll come along and have a good old chuckle at you.
09:20But I, I do, I rather like shortish men.
09:24I do, Clive.
09:25I do.
09:26I mean, in a way, you can't get enough of them, can you?
09:30I like men I can look down on.
09:32Like, uh...
09:33I like little Roman Polanski.
09:36You did an interview with him.
09:37He's a little, precious little thing, isn't he,
09:40in his spooky little way.
09:42And I like Lord Snowden.
09:44He's gorgeous, too.
09:45He's of diminished stature.
09:49Of course, little Charles Asnavour
09:51could dance in the old-fashioned way with me
09:54any time he liked.
09:55I love little Charles.
09:57Sometimes dream about him, as a matter of fact.
09:59But Norm, you know,
10:01I have to tell you,
10:02I felt a little while ago
10:04that I hadn't made enough sacrifices somehow
10:07because I've been given so much.
10:09What have I given?
10:10I often think,
10:11that's why I'm here, for heaven's sake.
10:12But I thought,
10:14what have I given for the conservation of energy,
10:16for example?
10:17I thought, I've given nothing.
10:19I've done nothing to conserve energy.
10:21And then it hit me.
10:22I thought,
10:22there's one thing I can do.
10:25I can have Norm
10:26taken off his life support system.
10:28I did.
10:30I did it as a big decision.
10:35It was a big decision.
10:41It was a big decision,
10:42but I did it.
10:44I did it gladly.
10:45I did it, in a way, gratefully.
10:48The spooky thing that happened after that
10:50was that he came good.
10:51Now, he'd been...
10:53He made a miracle recovery.
10:55He'd been using that as a crutch,
10:56if you don't mind me using that word.
10:58He did.
10:59And he's now getting around the hozzy on a frame
11:01and there's talk.
11:02There is talk of him coming home.
11:04Now, this is a big shock.
11:05It's a big adjustment that I have to make
11:08because he's asked for his clothes
11:10and, of course,
11:10I gave them to the Salvation Army
11:13years ago.
11:14I mean, years ago.
11:16His golf clubs have been all my daughter.
11:18Nora's turned them into a mandala.
11:20She's melted them into a day.
11:22She's made a contemporary sculpture of them.
11:24His Masonic trowel.
11:26I wouldn't know where it was.
11:30It's going to lead to so many...
11:31He wants me to be, you know,
11:33his chattel again.
11:34He wants to manage me.
11:35He wants to get rid of Barry Humphries
11:37as my manager.
11:37There's another problem.
11:39Of course, Norma's wanted to handle me
11:41for years, Clive,
11:42but I never thought he was well enough
11:43and I don't think he is now.
11:46But there it is.
11:47Isn't life funny?
11:47These little changes,
11:49you know,
11:49have happened to you
11:50just when you've practically
11:51written someone off.
11:54Yes, darling, you.
11:56At the back,
11:57in the black,
11:58first of all.
11:59Well, you've been talking
11:59about Norm, Dame Edwin.
12:01I have been worried
12:01quite a lot about him.
12:02It does seem to me
12:03that you have perhaps
12:04been just a little
12:05indulging yourself,
12:06you know,
12:07superstarring around the world
12:08while he was there
12:08sort of prostrate
12:09with his prostate
12:10down under him.
12:11Don't you think
12:12you should have been
12:12by his side?
12:13Well, I was there
12:14as often as I could.
12:16Why do you think
12:16I haven't been
12:16on the media much lately?
12:20You've probably ever seen me.
12:21I've been there
12:22in my tracksuit
12:23sitting there
12:23looking at my watch.
12:28I have, darling.
12:29There's a limit
12:29to what you can do.
12:30I've tried to amuse him
12:32but you can't really
12:33over-entertain
12:34an institutionalised loved one.
12:36I must tell you
12:37what we gave you all
12:37for Christmas.
12:38I had his bedside drip
12:40re-chromed.
12:41I didn't know
12:42what we had to do.
12:44The nurses,
12:45they put holly
12:45all the way up the tube
12:46and they filled it
12:49with brandy butter
12:50too.
12:50Apparently,
12:50that doesn't do them
12:51any harm.
12:54Also, tell you
12:55because there would
12:56be people,
12:57even celebrities,
12:58with institutionalised
12:59loved ones
13:00and what do you do?
13:01What jokes do you
13:02play on them
13:02on April Fool's Day
13:03and it is a problem,
13:05isn't it?
13:06Because you want
13:06to amuse them
13:07and you don't want
13:07to necessarily
13:08finish them off.
13:11I'll tell you
13:11what joke
13:12we played on
13:13Norm,
13:13Claire.
13:14Am I right?
13:14Yeah.
13:18Claire,
13:19it's a lovely trick
13:20and you could play
13:21it on your love
13:21and we pretended
13:22to him
13:24we pretended to him
13:25that he was going
13:26to be discharged
13:27from the hospital.
13:33The sister
13:34packed his suitcase
13:40in his private room
13:42so he could see,
13:43he could watch her
13:44doing it
13:45in the mirror
13:46above his page
13:47turning machine.
13:51they got him
13:52into the dressing gown,
13:53the one we thought
13:53he'd never wear
13:54curing.
13:55They say apparently
13:56they can put the pins
13:57back in it.
13:57Anyway,
13:58they got him down
14:00to the front steps
14:02of the hossie
14:03about three quarters
14:03of an hour later
14:05and there was
14:06the ambulance
14:06ticking over
14:07and just as Norm
14:08practically fell
14:09into the ambulance.
14:11Oh!
14:11Oh!
14:13It whizzed up
14:14down the ground.
14:18And all the doctors
14:20and nurses
14:21lent out the hospital
14:22windows
14:22and said,
14:23I approve food!
14:28And I only wish
14:30that Norm
14:30could have laughed
14:31at that as long
14:32but I'm accountable.
14:36That's the new word,
14:37isn't it?
14:37Arthur,
14:38hello darling
14:38and I love your book
14:40Arthur Marshall.
14:41I do.
14:42I really,
14:43there's a laugh
14:44at every line darling.
14:45You're good news.
14:47There are a lot
14:47of people
14:47who are good news
14:49and you're definitely
14:50very high on my list
14:52of good news people
14:53Arthur Marshall.
14:54I'm sure there's
14:55something bubbling
14:56up in your mind
14:57that you want
14:57to ask me?
14:58Dear,
14:59I wanted to ask,
15:00your mastery
15:01of words
15:01is so extraordinary
15:03and we all
15:04admire it so greatly.
15:05Are you yourself
15:06a great bookworm?
15:08I am Arthur,
15:09I do.
15:10I love,
15:11well even as a youngster
15:12when I was a very
15:13young girl
15:14and I first started
15:15to grow hair
15:16I could sit on,
15:17you know I was
15:18always,
15:20please,
15:21I was,
15:22please,
15:24celebrity audience,
15:25please,
15:29I was always,
15:31Arthur,
15:31I was always
15:32under the bed
15:33clothes with a torch,
15:34I was.
15:36I was
15:37and then one day
15:38our family doctor
15:39suggested I give it up
15:40and take up reading
15:41and I've never,
15:44I've never looked back
15:45or up.
15:47I have and I love,
15:48I've got my nose
15:49into something
15:50pretty interesting
15:51most of the time,
15:52little Beryl,
15:53little Beryl Bainbridge's
15:54latest is pretty good
15:56too,
15:56I adore that,
15:57but all kinds
15:58of literature I like
15:59and to little,
16:00your little magazine,
16:01Private Eye,
16:02which has been
16:02pretty kind to me,
16:04Richard,
16:04if I may say so.
16:05I've never had occasion
16:06to sue you,
16:07I must be one
16:08of the few.
16:11But there it is,
16:12I don't think
16:12you'd take me on,
16:13I don't think
16:14even Richard
16:14would take me on
16:15because I'd be
16:16a formidable foe,
16:17wouldn't I,
16:18darling?
16:20But keep up
16:21the good work
16:21with those little fingers,
16:22have they commissioned
16:23a sequel yet,
16:24Arthur?
16:24Not yet!
16:26No, but you could
16:26name your figure now,
16:28couldn't you?
16:28And you had all
16:29those years
16:30of obscurity.
16:32I mean,
16:34there you are
16:35sitting next
16:36to the adorable
16:37Margaret Duchess
16:38of our guile.
16:39Hello, Margaret.
16:40How are you,
16:40darling?
16:41Lovely to see you.
16:42Looking gorgeous,
16:43of course.
16:44I love the little
16:46frock too.
16:46It's beautiful.
16:47It's lovely.
16:49You're very fortunate
16:50the woman who
16:50lent it to you
16:51was your size,
16:52darling.
16:54Yes,
16:55next, please.
16:57Yes, darling,
16:58you gorgeous
16:59creature,
17:00aren't you?
17:01If your beauty
17:03is a secret.
17:04Well,
17:05I mean,
17:06you're looking
17:06at it,
17:07darling,
17:07aren't you?
17:09You are.
17:10I hope it's not
17:10too much of a secret.
17:11I'm very,
17:12very lucky
17:12with my looks.
17:13I'm not a classic
17:14beauty.
17:15I'm not.
17:16I'm sorry,
17:17but I'm not.
17:17Many have said so,
17:18but I'm not.
17:19I do pamper
17:20myself,
17:21though.
17:21I use some
17:22of our precious
17:22marsupials,
17:23our Australian
17:24marsupials,
17:25some of their
17:26little emanations
17:27and all their
17:28lovely secretions.
17:31It's very difficult,
17:32I'm afraid,
17:32to get wombat milk
17:33at Fortnum and Mason.
17:36It is.
17:37But whenever I can,
17:39I rub it into my
17:39little nooks
17:40and crannies
17:41and crannies.
17:43But I'm lucky.
17:44I'm lucky with my skin.
17:45I've got beautiful skin.
17:46You can feel it
17:46after the show
17:47if you want to.
17:48And viewers,
17:49too.
17:50I pity you won't
17:50be able to touch me.
17:51A lot of people
17:52do want to.
17:53And I should say now,
17:54I know this is an answer
17:55to a question,
17:56but I'm perhaps
17:56anticipating it.
17:57I am not a healer.
17:59I'm not.
18:00I haven't those powers.
18:01I've got powers.
18:02I don't think you'd be
18:03here, would you?
18:03Let's face it.
18:04You wouldn't be here
18:05drinking in my words
18:06if I didn't have
18:07spooky old powers,
18:08would you?
18:09But I can't heal.
18:11I cannot heal.
18:13Though,
18:16I must say,
18:17after the last show
18:18I did here,
18:19I found a battered
18:20crutch under one
18:21of the seats.
18:23The cleaners did.
18:25They did.
18:26So someone must
18:28have walked home
18:28laughing,
18:29don't you know?
18:31It wouldn't surprise
18:32me in the least
18:32if there weren't
18:33a few old crutches
18:33going big in here
18:34tonight.
18:37I'm almost certain
18:38there are.
18:40Look at Edna
18:41Healy laughing at me.
18:43Hello, darling,
18:45Edna.
18:45My little namesake.
18:48You know,
18:49you've done such a lot,
18:50too.
18:50Not just for your
18:51mother's little husband,
18:52there.
18:53But you've done a lot
18:54in your own right
18:55for people and things
18:56and yet I suppose
18:57if the honours list
18:58came along,
19:00would you accept
19:01a damehood,
19:02do you think, darling?
19:03Would you?
19:03Here's me asking
19:04you a question.
19:07You'd be
19:08Dame Edna the second,
19:09wouldn't you?
19:10Can I?
19:14Lovely.
19:14And Dennis,
19:15look, please,
19:15before I forget it,
19:17I've got this camera.
19:18I can't get the film
19:19out of this, Dennis.
19:21You think,
19:23after,
19:26the camera watching
19:28you're a bit
19:29of a photography buff,
19:30could you get it out
19:31afterwards in a dark room?
19:33If you'll join me
19:34in the dark room,
19:35dear.
19:36I will,
19:37of course,
19:37if you don't mind,
19:38Edna.
19:39We could make wonderful
19:39music together.
19:40Could I ask you
19:41a question?
19:42Yes,
19:42certainly.
19:45Is it without notice?
19:47It is, actually.
19:49I mean,
19:50you've shown
19:51such delicacy,
19:54sensitivity,
19:56and refinement
19:57this evening.
19:59I understand
20:00your loyalty
20:01to Norm,
20:03but have you
20:04never thought
20:05of making music
20:07with Sir Leslie
20:09Patterson?
20:13We'll...
20:16I think I'm going to
20:17have to think
20:17about that,
20:18don't you?
20:18No, I haven't,
20:19Dennis.
20:20Of course not.
20:21What a facetious
20:22thing to say.
20:27I think he's not
20:29at all typical
20:29of Australia,
20:30and he lets down
20:31the side
20:31very badly indeed,
20:33Dennis.
20:34And I think
20:35you're giving him
20:35unnecessary publicity.
20:36Your comments
20:37then will be
20:37flashed around
20:38the world,
20:39do you reckon?
20:42probably on one
20:42of the very few
20:43occasions they will
20:44be.
20:45No,
20:46but they will.
21:01We've been worried
21:02about you.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05I love that little
21:06neo-beatnik look,
21:08don't you?
21:09Well, here we are
21:10again after a little
21:11commercial break.
21:13And, of course,
21:14for those of you
21:15who have just tuned in,
21:16it's Dame Edna
21:17Everidge,
21:17Housewife Superstar,
21:18mother megastar
21:19and millionaire
21:19is doing a bit
21:20of caring and sharing
21:21with a so-called
21:23celebrity audience.
21:26Yes, hello, darling.
21:28You are gorgeous,
21:29aren't you?
21:30Thank you,
21:31and you're not
21:31the token person,
21:32are you?
21:33Oh,
21:34I know.
21:36What I'm doing
21:37is pre-empting
21:38the cynics
21:39who'll say,
21:39oh,
21:39Dame Edna
21:40had a few
21:40little token
21:41tinteds
21:42in the audience.
21:43They say
21:44that sort
21:45of yucky thing.
21:46You media folk,
21:47you know
21:47what scurrilistical
21:49things they say.
21:51And we know
21:51you're not,
21:52though I have
21:52got the odd
21:53token Caucasian
21:54hair.
21:54Oh!
21:57No names,
21:57no pactual,
21:58yes, darling.
21:59And I love
22:00the way you've
22:00just hurled
22:01that thing
22:01across your neck.
22:02I'm learning
22:03from you.
22:03I love
22:04the little bit
22:05of the ice-blue
22:05you're wearing
22:06too, aren't you?
22:08Dame Edna.
22:09With a lady...
22:13Well, she's got the name
22:14right, anyway.
22:20Spit it out, darling.
22:27With a lady
22:28such as you are,
22:29I would say
22:30what, like,
22:31what you are
22:32if I was in
22:32Birmingham
22:33but I'm in
22:33London.
22:34Do you ever
22:35get the time
22:37a lady
22:38so busy,
22:39a dame,
22:40to cook?
22:41Do you get
22:42the chance to cook?
22:43Oh, very little.
22:44I know you're
22:44a culinary expert,
22:46aren't you, darling?
22:47I've seen those
22:47little fingers
22:48rummaging
22:49and all sorts
22:49of things
22:49on my skin.
22:52I have.
22:54I don't cook much.
22:55It's sad.
22:56My domestic life
22:56has receded a bit.
22:59Heavens above.
22:59I've got the drives
23:01and juices
23:01of a housewife.
23:03I'm a housewife.
23:04I am.
23:05I'm basically that.
23:06I'm not even a member
23:07of Actors' Equity.
23:07I shouldn't say that
23:08because this crew
23:09will probably walk out,
23:11won't you?
23:11You won't, though,
23:12because you adore me.
23:16No, I am liked.
23:17I am adored.
23:18I can say that
23:19and it doesn't sound
23:20creepy, does it?
23:21Isn't that funny?
23:22The reason is it's true.
23:23That's the lovely thing.
23:25But I don't get
23:26much of a chance.
23:27I run up little snacks
23:28and things for myself.
23:30I'm into croissants.
23:31Croissants.
23:32They're the latest thing,
23:33you know.
23:33They're a little
23:33French invention,
23:34of course.
23:35But they're the very
23:36latest little
23:37Margot Hemingway
23:39looking at me.
23:40Look at your face
23:41as a picture, darling.
23:42And I'm sure,
23:44I'm sure our
23:44little grandfathers
23:45would have got on
23:46pretty well together
23:47as a matter of fact.
23:48Oh, Grandpa Everidge
23:49liked a bit of fishing.
23:50Anyway,
23:52Scott Fitzgerald,
23:53he would have adored
23:54if you'd ever
23:55heard of him.
23:59People,
23:59I'm into them.
24:01But,
24:01to return to your
24:04rather commonplace
24:05little question,
24:07I'm into croissants.
24:09Croissants,
24:09all kinds of things.
24:10Did you know
24:11they're in?
24:11They're the latest.
24:13Not even,
24:14perhaps they haven't
24:14come to Birmingham yet,
24:15but you can put
24:17anything in them.
24:17I like kiwi fruit
24:19and Vegemite croissant.
24:21I don't like it.
24:22As a matter of fact,
24:22it's absolutely
24:23vile, darling,
24:25but no one's ever
24:26had one before.
24:27And I think
24:27a little first.
24:29Sometimes it's amazing
24:30what people will choke down
24:31if they've never tried it.
24:32Isn't it?
24:33Think about that
24:34for a moment.
24:40Yes?
24:41Oh,
24:42that little gentleman
24:42next to Margaret.
24:43Yes,
24:43you were...
24:44Well,
24:44I was going to ask
24:45about your mother.
24:46How is she?
24:47Oh,
24:47my mother,
24:48she's a marvel.
24:49My mother,
24:50as you possibly know,
24:51is in a maximum security
24:52twilight home.
24:55She's...
24:59She's in the only
25:00twilight home
25:01in the southern hemisphere
25:02with an electric fence,
25:04possibly.
25:05And she sits there,
25:07she does,
25:08Dennis,
25:08she sits there
25:09in her wheelchair
25:09throwing Tupperware
25:11at the wire.
25:12She goes,
25:13and the sparks fly
25:15and people drive
25:17for miles
25:17to see it.
25:18It's like
25:19satellites and things.
25:20It is.
25:22And,
25:23oh,
25:24it's absolutely beautiful.
25:26As a matter of fact,
25:27they've,
25:28they've put my mother
25:29on a retainer
25:29and they've earthed
25:30her chair.
25:32She's brought
25:33business to the home.
25:34That's what I call
25:35caring on an
25:36institutional level.
25:38But she is a wonder.
25:39She's been trying
25:40to tunnel out lately.
25:41She has been a bit sad
25:43since she's on
25:43the third floor.
25:46But she's been reading
25:48those coldest books
25:49and things of that kind.
25:50She's wonderful.
25:51Thank you so much
25:52indeed for asking.
25:55For asking about
25:56my mother
25:57because I'm very,
25:58very fortunate
25:58and she's a
26:00marvelous person.
26:01You know,
26:01when she has moments
26:02of lucidity,
26:03she does.
26:06Yes?
26:08Dame Edna,
26:09we notice that
26:10round your neck
26:11we,
26:12you have
26:13what we know
26:14in England
26:14as the insignia
26:16of the campaign
26:16for nuclear disarmament.
26:17Does it have
26:18the same significance
26:19in Australia?
26:20Oh,
26:21yes,
26:21it does,
26:21darling.
26:21I wasn't sure
26:22what this little
26:23bauble was,
26:24as a matter of fact.
26:25I'm glad you've
26:25elucidated.
26:26But I think it does.
26:28I don't,
26:29well,
26:30it's a little,
26:30is it,
26:31do you think it's a bit
26:31ostentatious?
26:32Not meant to be.
26:32No,
26:33not at all.
26:33No,
26:33thank you.
26:34No.
26:37I feel I should
26:38know you too
26:39somehow.
26:41I feel I should.
26:42Are you heavily
26:43disguised tonight?
26:47Goodness,
26:48I thought it was
26:49Lord Lucan
26:49at first.
26:52Now,
26:52I did,
26:52I had a bit of
26:53sympathy with the
26:54Greenham girls.
26:54I was up there,
26:55you know,
26:55trying to get into
26:56their sleeping bags,
26:57but unfortunately,
26:58there wasn't enough
26:59room for me,
27:00but I hurled
27:01a few Sainsbury's
27:02pampers at them
27:03out of the window
27:04of my limo.
27:05I involved myself
27:06in quite a few
27:07active things.
27:08I'm busy on
27:10so many spectra,
27:12so many spectra.
27:18Correct me
27:18if I'm wrong.
27:22I was thinking
27:23about Norm,
27:24the question was,
27:25well,
27:26we talked about
27:26my husband
27:27a little earlier,
27:27but you know,
27:29he's been inventing
27:30things in the
27:30hospital.
27:31It's been really
27:32remarkable.
27:32The first of all
27:33gave him a little
27:33bit of,
27:34he was knitting
27:35at first.
27:36They taught him
27:36to knit with
27:36his mouth.
27:40And they did,
27:41he was into
27:41oral socks
27:42for something.
27:44And then,
27:45a pair a day
27:46on five needles,
27:47not bad.
27:50But then,
27:54he's invented
27:54this wonderful
27:55new,
27:56it's a kind of
27:57state-of-the-art
27:58bedpan.
27:58I don't know
28:01a euphemism
28:01for bedpan,
28:02so I'm just
28:03going to have
28:03to say it.
28:04I suppose you'd
28:04call it an
28:04in-bed facility.
28:07But he's
28:08invented this,
28:09it's incredible,
28:10it's heat-seeking.
28:11It's a heat-seeking
28:13bedpan.
28:16Apparently,
28:17it's revolutionary.
28:18My husband
28:18could be sitting
28:19on a fortune.
28:20He couldn't.
28:22But the patent
28:23is tending.
28:23I think,
28:24you know,
28:24he could make
28:24a pile out
28:25of this.
28:27He's certainly
28:28struck pay dirt
28:29with it.
28:30There's loads
28:30of ways about it.
28:32So,
28:33in a way,
28:33my family life
28:34has quite
28:35revolutionised
28:36itself without
28:37my intervention
28:38whatsoever.
28:39My son,
28:39Kenny,
28:39of course.
28:40Bless his heart,
28:42little Kenny.
28:43He's been my
28:44favourite.
28:44It's wicked,
28:45in a way,
28:45for a mother
28:46to say that,
28:46isn't it?
28:47But he has
28:47always been
28:48a favourite
28:48of mine,
28:49Kenny.
28:50And he's,
28:51he's had many jobs.
28:53He's been in
28:53the couture business
28:55for some time.
28:56As a matter of fact,
28:57he makes the dresses.
28:59He sometimes
28:59kisses me goodnight.
29:00His mouth
29:01still full of pins.
29:03But,
29:03but,
29:06but he could do
29:07anything.
29:08He was in the
29:08airline steward
29:10world for a little bit.
29:12And,
29:12and,
29:15Qantas people.
29:16Then he went to the
29:17British Caledonian
29:18because he liked
29:18the tartan.
29:22Lately,
29:22he's been a,
29:23he's at the blood,
29:24working at the blood
29:24bank in Australia
29:25at the moment,
29:26as a matter of fact.
29:28He's a,
29:29I don't know
29:30quite what he does.
29:31I think he's a
29:32scrutineer.
29:33I said,
29:34I said,
29:34Kenny,
29:35what exactly do you do?
29:36He said,
29:36I've been trying to
29:37tell you that mother
29:38for years.
29:40He said,
29:40but it takes one
29:41to know one.
29:42So I left it at that.
29:43I left it at that.
29:45You don't ask them
29:46too many questions
29:47in a way.
29:48You know,
29:48I remember that
29:48there were questions
29:49I wanted to ask
29:50my parents
29:51and I felt
29:51a little reticence.
29:52Have you ever,
29:53do you ever feel
29:53that spooky feeling
29:55that you couldn't?
29:55I did.
29:56And years later,
29:57I found a book
29:58called Human Growth.
30:00I did.
30:00It was tucked away
30:01behind some other books
30:02in my parents' home.
30:04And I thought,
30:04that's the book
30:05they wanted to give me.
30:06You know,
30:06when I ask those
30:06little questions
30:07that we girls do ask,
30:09you know,
30:09about little things
30:10when your body
30:10starts changing.
30:11Mine is still
30:12in a state of flux
30:13as a matter of fact.
30:15And Madge Alsop
30:16is in a constant
30:17state of renewal,
30:18you know.
30:20It's funny,
30:21she said to me
30:21that she'd bumped
30:22into Arthur Scargill
30:23at her cosmetic surgeons
30:24the other day.
30:25And it's such a coincidence
30:27because she's having
30:28the hair removed
30:29from her upper lip
30:30and it's being grafted
30:31onto his head.
30:33It is.
30:34Isn't that spooky?
30:37So it's funny to think
30:38that a New Zealand
30:41bridesmaid's lip
30:42will be on
30:43a union leader's head,
30:45one of them.
30:46But,
30:49poor old Madge
30:50and a dreadful
30:51she's had all this
30:52cosmetic surgery.
30:53She'd been landscaped.
30:55You know,
30:56they take tissue
30:58of part of the body
30:58that nobody looks at.
30:59In Madge's case,
31:00they use her face.
31:05She's sad.
31:06I support her,
31:07really.
31:07I do.
31:07I should give her
31:08a few things.
31:09I sit up there
31:10in first class
31:12there,
31:12passing down
31:13the B-Cal
31:14smoked salmon
31:15to her,
31:15poor love.
31:16Because I don't want
31:16to spoil her.
31:18Did her husband
31:19perish
31:19under tragic circumstances,
31:21Arthur?
31:24poor old
31:25Doug,
31:26old sop.
31:26He was
31:28taking a snap,
31:29as you were inclined
31:30to do,
31:30Dennis,
31:31on one of the little
31:32bridges in Rotorua
31:33in New Zealand
31:34and he fell into
31:35a mud pool
31:35and unfortunately,
31:36though there were
31:37a lot of strong
31:37swimmers around,
31:38none of them
31:39had had experience
31:40in boiling mud.
31:44David Steele,
31:45please.
31:45Well,
31:46I wanted to ask you
31:47in view of your
31:48obvious charisma
31:51and perspicacity
31:52and your deep
31:53concern...
31:53If it's obvious,
31:54darling,
31:54why mention it?
31:57I have to think
31:58of a question.
31:58Your deep concern
31:59for other people.
32:01Have you ever thought
32:02of going into
32:02politics yourself?
32:04Yes, David,
32:05I have.
32:06I've...
32:09I have thought
32:10about it,
32:10particularly
32:10Australian politics.
32:12I've...
32:12It needs...
32:13Well,
32:14how can I put it?
32:15It needs a person
32:15of refinement.
32:16Let's face it.
32:18Because we've got
32:19a few little
32:19rough diamonds there.
32:22And there aren't
32:23enough women
32:23in Australian politics.
32:25I have thought of it,
32:27but I can't put
32:28myself on the line
32:29like that.
32:30Look,
32:30it's too hard.
32:31You know yourself.
32:32Look at your fingernails,
32:33David,
32:34and you ought to be
32:34ashamed of yourself.
32:37On the face of it,
32:38you're relaxed,
32:39urbane,
32:39and gorgeous-looking.
32:40You're a bit dishy,
32:41as the younger
32:42generation would say,
32:43and raunchy,
32:44and a little bit
32:45on the spunky side.
32:46You're a bit...
32:49But...
32:50Oop, oop, oop, oop!
32:54Oh, look,
32:55I'm sorry,
32:56my...
32:56my clutch bag
32:58keeps snagging
32:59with my...
33:01I've ladded this
33:02lovely frock
33:03just as well
33:03if I can afford it.
33:06If you put it on that
33:07side,
33:08it'll only...
33:08the pantyhose
33:09will suffer.
33:10But,
33:12David,
33:12I have thought of it,
33:13but I just don't think
33:14I can keep it up.
33:16Incidentally,
33:16for those nails of yours,
33:18there's an old-fashioned
33:19remedy of my mother's.
33:21It might be a bit
33:21permissive for me
33:22to mention,
33:22but I suppose
33:23it's getting on
33:24in the evening now
33:24and it won't matter.
33:26Dip your fingers
33:27in your own
33:27little jobs
33:28in the morning.
33:30Yes?
33:31Yes?
33:34I mean...
33:36Dip your fingers in that.
33:45Or if you can't...
33:46If you can't bear
33:48the thought of that,
33:49David,
33:50just go in the...
33:51Don't switch on the light.
33:52Just go.
33:54It'll all happen naturally.
33:56It will.
33:57And then,
33:58in the daytime,
33:59when you've got this paper
34:00or whatever little thing
34:02crops up in your life,
34:04you'll think it,
34:05just as your fingers
34:06go to your...
34:08You'll think about it.
34:10You will.
34:11And then,
34:12if you pop your fingers
34:13in your mouth,
34:13there'll be something
34:14a bit spooky
34:15the matter with you.
34:17It will.
34:18There's an old thing
34:18and my mother's got
34:19a lot of old things
34:20like that.
34:21She has.
34:21She's full of it.
34:22Full of it.
34:27There's your little wife
34:28too.
34:29Hello, darling.
34:35Little Judy.
34:36Am I right?
34:37Judy?
34:38Is that a...
34:39Tell me the history
34:40of that frock, Judy.
34:43Is it...
34:47It's obviously
34:48an old favourite.
34:51It's lovely.
34:53Is it a furnishing fabric?
34:56Is it...
34:57You are very wise
34:59to remove the curtain rings
35:01in your life.
35:07There's some beautiful
35:08frocks here
35:08and there's
35:09some interesting ones
35:10too.
35:12There's a little girl
35:13there and I'm lovely.
35:14I like touching.
35:15I'm very tactile.
35:16Is it all right
35:17for the cameras?
35:17Do they mind me
35:18wandering down here?
35:19I'm not doing it
35:19for any particular reason.
35:21It's sort of restlessness.
35:22I'm terrifically restless.
35:23I am.
35:24I want to give you
35:25a stroke.
35:26What's your name?
35:27Lizzie.
35:27And you're
35:28absolutely delightful, Liz.
35:30I like tactile
35:31as a word I've been using.
35:32I used it
35:32for long before
35:33the Sunday papers
35:34ever took it up.
35:35I used to say
35:36osmosis a lot too
35:37but I don't now
35:38when everyone uses it.
35:41You know,
35:41it's tarnished
35:42by usage,
35:43I feel, somehow.
35:44But our old enemy
35:45on the wall
35:46is not our friend
35:48at the moment.
35:49Time is running out.
35:50I've been close
35:51to tears
35:52a few times tonight.
35:56I've had a lot
35:57of moods
35:57and I've shared
35:58them with you
35:59and I've been
35:59as frank
36:00as I possibly can.
36:01Michael,
36:01were you going
36:02to ask me something?
36:03Michael Aspel?
36:05As one of the most
36:07enlightened
36:07and influential
36:08people of our time,
36:09do you ever
36:10feel just a moment
36:11of self-doubt?
36:13Self-doubt.
36:17I must say
36:18it's not easy
36:18to associate me
36:19with self-doubt
36:20as it possibly.
36:21I seem so up front,
36:23don't I?
36:24I do.
36:25But you know,
36:26Dame Curie,
36:27so many people
36:28in the world
36:28of entertainment
36:29and politics
36:29and religion
36:31too,
36:31know that we all
36:32have our moments
36:33when we're on our knees
36:34and we're thinking,
36:35what's it all about?
36:36You know,
36:37can I carry this
36:38on my own?
36:39Can't I share it?
36:42And I have those moments,
36:44I do.
36:45You've probed me,
36:47you've put your finger
36:47on it there.
36:48You know,
36:51since this little
36:52eminent musician,
36:53little Laurie Holloway,
36:54has seated himself
36:54at my Elizabeth Arden
36:56pink grand,
36:59I feel a song
37:00coming on.
37:04I'll just look over
37:05your shoulder
37:05and get the words.
37:08I suppose you think
37:10you know me
37:10pretty well now
37:12and you can tell now
37:14what makes me tick.
37:17I'm not a mystery
37:19anymore.
37:20You've penetrated
37:21every pore.
37:23You know what
37:24turns me on
37:24and you know
37:25what makes me sick.
37:29Tonight I've been quizzed
37:31by some pretty rude
37:32and surly ones
37:33and you've thrown me
37:35some curly ones
37:37below the belt.
37:40But I'm not the girl
37:41I seem
37:42and I just have
37:43to let off steam
37:44because it's time
37:45I told you
37:46how I've always
37:47felt
37:47You can't judge
37:51me possums
37:52by the looks
37:53of me
37:55You'd be amazed
37:57if you probed
37:59the vulnerable
38:00nooks
38:01of me
38:05You see I'm
38:06shy
38:07and I
38:09they lock
38:10these cameras
38:11in the eyes
38:13What a paradoxical
38:15bank
38:16a sound drummer
38:18From the day
38:19I was born
38:20I've been
38:21deeply withdrawn
38:23born in hell
38:25Don't have to force
38:27myself to come out
38:29of my shell
38:30But I'm like
38:32Shirley Bassey
38:33And you never tell
38:35And you never tell
38:36That I'm shy
38:37Oh
38:39Why
38:41What makes me
38:43quite so self-effacing
38:45Like Paul McCartney
38:47I'm almost a recluse
38:49But when the public
38:52scream for more
38:53Something in the core
38:56of me
38:57says
38:57Come of it
38:58Edna
38:59What's the use
39:02Let's face it
39:03Some of you
39:04think I'm a cold
39:05hard
39:05voiced
39:06woman
39:08But I'm here
39:09to say
39:10I'm a warm
39:11and fundamentally
39:13moist
39:13woman
39:17Though I'm the rage
39:19I hide the ventilate
39:21each time
39:22I go on stage
39:24And I flush
39:26more than most
39:27women
39:27of my age
39:29But would you
39:31still love me
39:32minus
39:33my natural
39:37shining
39:39The breath
39:41may fry
39:42But sensitivities
39:45a gift
39:45you cannot find
39:48And now you know
39:49why I resemble
39:51Princess
39:52I
39:54deep down
39:56and
39:56shine
39:58shine
39:59H-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
40:08H-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
40:17Thank you, Bob!
40:20Thank you, Bob!
40:29Edna?
40:32Edna?
40:34Edna?
40:35Edna?
40:38Oh, Mr. Edna.
40:40You've got a good idea, Mr. Edna.
40:43Oh, my God.
40:45When I learned that you were there, I was immediately in London.
40:48It's easier than to go to Australia.
40:49I'm so happy to meet you.
40:53My dear Edna.
40:55Does that mean I'm in the common market?
40:59It is, is it audience?
41:01Flowers for you.
41:02Oh, you darling.
41:04You're enough, I don't need these blooms.
41:08You gorgeous man.
41:10Look at you, come specially to see me.
41:12Specially.
41:12Do you know I dream about you, Charles?
41:15I do.
41:16And you've got so much panache, you're so bold, you're so confident, aren't you?
41:22No, no, not exactly, you know.
41:25Do I intimidate you?
41:26Look, as we say in French, I'm, je suis terriblement timide.
41:32You can't say it, you can't say it because you know everything is pink here, but I'm pink too.
41:35You blushed it?
41:36Yes, terribly.
41:37I'm, I'm shy.
41:41You're shy too?
41:42I'm shy, yes, I'm shy.
41:45I'm shy, and I could make me an extremely happy guy.
41:51I only wish I was an extra meter high.
41:56It would bold how you say dance in the old fashioned way, can we?
42:01Oh, you know about this, my...
42:05I mean, she's having you up.
42:08You are amazing.
42:11Oh, this person was specially planning.
42:16Some people fight against their shyness.
42:19We, yes.
42:20Pretty Clemden boy George, to name a few.
42:24But as I recently told her, Royal Highness, I said, believe it or not, I'm shy too.
42:33But I must confess that I've felt slightly better since.
42:39This little gallic possum helped me sublimate my natural reticence.
42:50I'm shy now, Lord.
42:54Why?
42:56We've got our act together and our broken heart.
43:03I love you, Lord.
43:05I love you, Lord.
43:05I love you, Lord.
43:09Because we're shy, shy, shy.
43:34Thank you, darling!
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