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Dr. Lyons speaks on the wounds we receive from our mothers, and how to heal from them. As a mental health practitioner, she balances having faith with seeking professional help.
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00:06testing testing hi everybody I have a lot of stuff in my hands so forgive me I'm really excited to
00:14be
00:14here to moderate this beautiful panel today I know I have a lot of notes but I'm a project planner
00:20that's why but today my name is Takaija I'll be moderating the faith family and the stories we
00:26carry panel but first I want to start off with some author bios okay Dr. Sarita T. Lyons is the
00:34best-selling author of Church Girl her upcoming book Honor Thy Mother releasing August 25th
00:40addresses the impact of mother wounds and how people can move forward in healing through
00:44practical strategies and biblical wisdom before going into full-time ministry she was in private
00:51practice for nine years providing counseling to individuals families couples and groups
00:56for a variety of psychological needs give it up for Dr. Sarita
01:01and then we're going to move over to Mr. Albanyer C. Eugene Jr. He's the author of Momentum 100
01:08Devotions to Regain Hope for Your Life and Future his debut his debut book releases October 13th I
01:16promise I can read he's an ordained minister and community builder who has a deep passion for
01:21spiritual formation emotional wellness and cultural renewal through viral videos speaking
01:27engagements the Momentum Academy and more he helps people find lasting peace holistic healing and
01:33authentic rest in a restless world give it up for Mr. Albanyer all right I'm gonna put the books down
01:43real quick
01:43all right so we're gonna get straight into the questions because we have limited time
01:48my first question is going to be to both of you you have all built lives dedicated to helping people
01:54draw closer to God what role or impact did your families have on your faith journey and personal walk
02:01with God
02:09okay I'll start good morning afternoon everyone my parents had a tremendous role in my faith walk and
02:19development you know I do believe that discipleship when possible should start in the home and I'm blessed
02:26that both my mother and my father who were Christians my mother I lost my mother two years ago in
02:34her battle
02:34with cancer but both she and my father were integral in really letting the the message of scripture the love
02:43of Jesus Christ rule our home they gave me the freedom to explore all of the gifts or thought to
02:52be gifts that
02:52were in me which I think is critical in my faith development one of the things I love the most
02:59about what my parents gave me is
03:01they gave me truth but they also gave me space to have my relationship with the Lord to to walk
03:09out they they made the
03:11church the foundation and a second home for me so it was in the black church that I not only
03:17learned about God but I learned about
03:19social justice that I learned about caring for one's neighbor that I you know in the black church is where
03:25you also do your first talent show your first modeling gig as a young person and so I really got
03:32to be great
03:33as a young black girl in the life of the church and so I thank God for the freedom that
03:39my parents gave me
03:41the prayers that they prayed over me the love that they showed me and they always told me people
03:49don't care how much you know until they know how much you care so service of one's neighbor love of
03:57one's community and seeing justice as integral to the gospel message formally shaped me and the woman that
04:05I am today yeah yeah uh echo her my mom was so pivotal to my life when we were kids
04:15she used to point at
04:16the tv and be like uh when are y'all gonna do your own thing when y'all gonna start
04:20your own thing and
04:21it'd be like some random commercial and we're just kids trying to watch the show to make a long story
04:26short my mom she lived it in front of me her message her life her testimony her faith and she
04:34surrounded me
04:34around other great people so I my mom is such a huge pivotal person in my life and my journey
04:42and
04:42my mom is so called she has so much in her she is she's an author too she got some
04:50books and carrying on
04:51um but yeah my mom I don't want to be long because I really have a lot of great questions
04:56I do want to follow up with a sub bullet because mostly because I'm curious I know sometimes um just
05:02growing up in the black community especially being raised in the black church you aren't always um
05:09I won't say allowed but it's not encouraged sometimes in some communities to question either
05:15your faith or your parents um questioning what's real and what's true have you been present were you
05:21ever presented with an opportunity to question either your faith or uh the realities of the bible
05:29and how did your parents navigate that with you uh you said how did our parents navigate with that
05:38yeah like were your parents open to you questioning and where did they work with you through some of
05:44those questions that you may have had um I'll say my parents didn't play a part in like answering any
05:50questions for me that I had I was just gonna add to your point I think it's healthy to question
05:54your faith
05:54I think it's important to stay curious I think it's important to learn from other people I think
06:01it's important to learn from other cultures I think it's important to read I think it's important to
06:06listen um and I think I think God actually wants you to ask questions I think questions can be a
06:13form of
06:14intimacy I think questions can be a beautiful invitation to really learning more and it's so important to
06:21really know what you believe and I think it's so critical like when people are asking those questions
06:28like it's not just I believe it's I tested what I believed and I think the beauty of the faith
06:35is
06:35that it can be tested and I think the Lord has no problem with being asked questions just to have
06:44an
06:44opportunity for him to reveal himself and so yeah that's my answer to that
06:52I'll just say very briefly I had a faith crisis when I was in college I talk about that in
07:01the
07:01book my first book Church Girl where I went away to Florida A&M University HBCU shout out HBCUs
07:08and it was in that place having been raised a church girl by a father who was a pastor and
07:15a
07:15mother who was very integral to the church that I walked away for from the faith for a period of
07:20time
07:21and actually began to practice African spiritualism and did not really trust the claims of scripture
07:27and it was through that crisis of faith that really I saw the power of prayer because my mama and
07:35my
07:35daddy prayed me about it at and it's not that there is something inherently evil and wrong with African
07:42culture there are things that are incompatible with the Christian faith in all cultures right but there
07:50are some things that are not redeemable and so in my backtracking in my backslidden condition from just
07:58not trusting God period I got involved in that and tons of rituals and engaged in syncretism and
08:05tarot card reading and all the things you think you would see in a movie I did it and so
08:11I'm here to
08:12say that God is a redeemer and that God can save and that God comes leaves the 99 to come
08:19after the one
08:20and my parents didn't beat me over the head to be honest my parents probably didn't even understand
08:25what I was into but they knew something was off with me and what they did even if they didn't
08:31intellectually have all the answers is they prayed and so I am the recipient of parental prayers that
08:40covered me and trusted God for me I love that thank you for answering that off script question
08:48Albany you've said that at the core of a meaningful life are three things worth giving our attention to
08:54one our relationship with God to the way we steward our own lives and three how we love and show
09:01up for
09:01others can you expand on that for us yeah uh Jesus says something now it's really cool said he love
09:08him
09:09love people as you love yourself what I found that it's very difficult to love people if you really don't
09:15love yourself it's difficult to celebrate others when you don't feel celebrated it's difficult to do
09:21anything from a place of love if you don't know that you're loved and I think especially in the book
09:27like I've seen so much correlation to your relationship with God will be correlated to your
09:33relationship with people and then vice versa your relationship with people will always be a reflection
09:37of your relationship with God and I think that if you really look at where the most meaning is in
09:44life
09:46it's some of you came here with somebody that you love and that you came to essence with essence fest
09:51with to make memories
09:52this would be totally different experience if you weren't with some of the people that
09:55you consider meaningful to you and so just having meaningful relationships
10:00like I tell people it's like okay if you desire to get married well
10:04you want to die married you want to stay in that marriage that's the goal no one gets in saying
10:08it's not gonna work we're just gonna try it you see what I'm saying but then also if you if
10:12you
10:12decide to have bridesmaids or some groomsmen like you're gonna need some brothers sisters friends
10:17people who can either speak well of you or like you said like can speak to how much you care
10:23talk about your love like you're gonna have to learn how to do relationships and you're gonna
10:29have to know that you're loved you see what I'm saying and so that's why those three relationships
10:32are so important one with God people and yourself that's I to me personally the most meaning in life
10:39is found in the quality of your relationships for sure I love that I think it's almost like
10:45a mirror of each thing having equal weight Dr. Sarita your book Honor Thy Mother tackles
10:52challenging maternal relationships what role does faith play in navigating mother hurt
10:59that's a great question what role does faith play in navigating mother hurt well if you've been
11:05watching television I know it's been talked about on lots of famous programs this idea of parental
11:13estrangement right where people who haven't gotten along with their parents and in my case for this
11:20book one's mother have just decided the only way to move forward is to cut them off and in some
11:26cases
11:27if your mother has proven to be unsafe and dangerous that is a viable and maybe necessary option but I
11:37think
11:37what I have discovered living in this hyper cancel culture is that we are quick to say we are building
11:45boundaries when really we are building walls and we are isolating and we aren't seeing any redeemable
11:54path forward for reconciliation or restoration in the name of I am protecting my peace we are becoming more
12:03and more isolated and no longer committed or willing to do the hard work of figuring out how to restore
12:11relationships that are broken so for me the missing dialogue in the estrangement argument or the
12:19estrangement happening between parents and children is really what does God say about it and I fundamentally
12:27believe that if a holy God can reunite and reconcile a sinful man and woman to himself then we have
12:37to believe that
12:38there is enough power in God to reconcile two people to one another and so I think the message of
12:45the cross the
12:46message of the gospel is healing is restoration is reconciliation now you cannot force one's mother
12:55to do that right you may say mom go to counseling with me mom let's see a pastor or a
13:01faith leader mom
13:03let's just talk with ourselves and work it out the difference between reconciliation right and just being able to
13:11to live at peace with someone is the commitment to repent is the commitment to look at oneself and say
13:18I have messed up I have caused harm and a lot of times parents even children will say to God
13:24God I'm sorry for
13:25how I treated him or her but we'll never go to them and say I know I hurt you and
13:31so if there is going to be
13:33reconciliation our faith tells us the way through that is through repentance and then doing the work of
13:42repair and so even God doesn't accept us into relationship without an acknowledgement of sin
13:49and a call to repentance and then because of what Christ did for us on the cross we then now
13:55can be in
13:56fellowship with him it's the same thing with us so what God did for us becomes a template right becomes
14:03a model of what we then can do with one another I love that I could so follow up with
14:10a personal
14:11story but we do not have time but I did that with my mom and we're in the best place
14:15we've ever been in
14:16our life so I love that all right so this is a question for both of you our lives are
14:21shaped by a
14:22compilation of experiences how do we discern what's valuable to hold on to and when it's time to let
14:29go as someone who likes to hold on to things I'm loving this yeah I think for me where I'm
14:37at my life
14:38now like there's this quote that I love if you if you live by core values and principles almost about
14:4585 percent of your decisions are already made for you and so for me what's been helping me in this
14:51season is remembering who I am like I'm a man who values my family and so if there's a threat
14:58to my family it's the decisions already made for me I'm a man who values let's say integrity so that
15:05means my public life my private life needs to stay in alignment so if there's a moment of compromise
15:10I have to ask myself the question who am I and when I find out who I am I'm always
15:15going to end up
15:16finding what I'm called to do you see what I'm saying if I value my friends if I value people
15:22if I value my safety my security if I value alignment if I value my faith I just think that
15:27when you when you remind yourself who you are you start to find the standard that you should probably
15:32keep you see what I'm saying like my beautiful wife is here like if I value my marriage yeah for
15:37sure thank you if I value my marriage then I have to make sure I stay in alignment you see
15:42what I'm
15:42saying I think when you know who you are you'll discover what you're called to do and so in those
15:48moments I would say remember I have to remember who I am for sure yeah I would echo everything that
15:56was
15:57just said and if I were to add anything I think we live in a culture that undermines the power
16:04and
16:05message of discomfort and we think we're addicted to drugs and alcohol but really what we are addicted
16:14to is comfort and we are almost willing to do anything to not feel uncomfortable or to feel discomfort
16:23so how do I use that as a measure of when it's time to move on or let go of
16:28something or transition
16:30I liken it to and it's a lot of women in here but men get this too that when you're
16:36younger because
16:36when you're older you tend to wear the same shoe size for a long time except when I had children
16:42I
16:42went up half a size with every child so I have four kids pray for me right my feet are
16:48much larger than
16:49they used to be but when you're a kid the way your mom knows it's time to get you a
16:57new pair of shoes
16:57even if she never has to measure your feet is you will start to feel what discomfort your shoes will
17:05start to get tight and then your feet will ache your big toe will begin to hurt and I think
17:12sometimes we
17:13are so quick to want to get rid of pain get rid of discomfort that we're missing that sometimes the
17:19pain and the discomfort is talking to us it's telling us something needs to change maybe you've grown
17:27out of a relationship or you've grown out of a job or you've grown out of a place and it's
17:35time to get
17:35something new so in the same way you say I refuse to wear shoes that are too tight think about
17:42that for your life
17:43in what places are causing discomfort and pain that you don't just need to feel better but maybe you need
17:50to
17:50change yourself or change your environment to accommodate the growth in your life
17:59so when I agreed to moderate I didn't agree to have a therapy session okay we got to talk
18:06all right so Albanyere speaking of growth and movement momentum momentum encourages readers to
18:13push through the hard times by leaning on god and not relying on their own strength what does that uh
18:19what does that look like practically can you give the audience an actual example that they can take away
18:23with them today okay so we talked about questioning our faith earlier
18:30scripture tells us that god will provide and he'll meet all of our needs it's a beautiful truth
18:35you don't have to believe it but the the beautiful thing about it is he's going to provide for you
18:39if you don't believe it or not so the most practical thing you could do is number one believe
18:44that god will provide period one thing about me the bills are going to get paid not because
18:50i know or or i have it all the time it's because i just know he's made a promise to
18:56me
18:56and my trust in the promise makes me look for the provision does that make sense so if i know
19:04god is
19:05going to provide for me then i know provision is available it just may not be my preference how
19:11it's available made available to me so i know that trusting god will cause me to be vulnerable and
19:18sometimes ask for help because i trust that god will provide my provision may come through somebody
19:24in the crowd somebody will say you know what i feel moved by god to provide for you sometimes it's
19:32going
19:32to be through the the gifts and the talents that he's given me or some of you here it's like
19:37okay
19:38because of my trust in god is why i'm going to do the thing that he's calling me to do
19:45knowing that he's not just wanting to use me but he also wants to love on me and take care
19:52of me god
19:53even knows that my fridge needs to be filled god even knows that even while we do what we do
20:01we still need to make sure that our families and our houses are taken care of and so trusting god
20:06looks
20:06like doing what he's asking you to do because an instruction from god scripturally is a blessing
20:13so i'm blessed when i hear from god because attached to this blessing might be might be my provision
20:22meaning i'm gonna do this regardless if i get blessed or not because i know it is more blessed to
20:29be a
20:30blessing and in me being a blessing i remember this beautiful truth that god is not unfaithful
20:38to forget my labor of love so as i'm just loving people i can walk around knowing that i will
20:46be
20:46well provided for whether i believe it or not and it's when you discover the provision over and over
20:55again that's why we say the phrase when we look back over our lives what we all can say is
21:02oh god
21:03provided for us i think y'all need to clap it up for that one now that was that was
21:09a word okay that was
21:10all right the next question is for dr sarita generally speaking motherhood is seen as a sacred
21:17thing okay it's a sacred entity when that maternal relationship is dysfunctional what are some things
21:24that we can do to begin our healing journey yes well it is a sacred thing and it's a sacred
21:31thing because
21:32god created it um that's the beauty of anything that god creates he's going to give you the tools
21:39and the strength and the power to accomplish it but you do have to cooperate with him right and so
21:46even
21:47though we we often say she did the best she can sometimes mothers didn't do enough right and that's
21:54just the truth um and so you can have compassion you might even know her story because no wounding
22:02mother is just falling out the sky all wounding mothers have been wounded they themselves have been
22:08wounded girls um but i think ultimately when you are deciding i am not going to be held prisoner
22:14or paralyzed by my pain that i don't want to be trapped in the pain of my past you have
22:21to make
22:21a decision it starts with a decision to tell the truth about your life and to begin to explore what
22:29is the impact potentially of all the lessons that were taught or caught as a result of my mother how
22:36did that impact how i date how does that impact the man or woman that i married how does that
22:42impact my
22:43proclivity to be a people pleaser or to over function or um under function right so we have to just
22:51look
22:51at our lives our lives are an amalgamation of our childhood experiences and uh the things that we've
22:58been shown and so when you make a decision i want to do better i want to know better to
23:03do better
23:03sometimes that means going to therapy sometimes that means beginning to unearth and be willing to touch
23:11some of that pain i believe the first step to all healing is grief you have to authentically grieve
23:19you have to authentically grieve and sometimes what we first have to grieve is the mother we didn't have
23:25and you can still love the mother you do have and respect and honor her while also being honest about
23:33there are many ways she missed the mark there are many ways knowingly unknowingly maybe because of
23:39her mental health maybe because of her own trauma growing up that she was just not able to give me
23:45all the things that i needed but here's the catch she never was actually meant to give you all the
23:52things that you needed so one of the things i talk about is the power of spiritual mothers and its
23:59implication in our healing of maternal wounds this beautiful thing about one being formed and born into
24:07the family of god is you now get spiritual parents you now get brothers and sisters in christ we call
24:14them aunties and uncles and all of that no one woman was ever equipped to give us everything and so
24:21i just believe that through what i coined a maternal corrective experience both for men and women when there
24:29are women who may not be your biological mother are willing to come alongside you in life pour into
24:37you love you teach you not only the scripture but sometimes basic stuff like how to cook how to clean
24:44how
24:44to love your children how to go after your dreams all the things you wish your mother would have given
24:50you
24:50all the encouragement and prayers and you can do it maybe your mother was vacant and didn't have it to
24:57give
24:57but there are women who did not birth you into the world who are willing to come alongside you
25:04in the church we call it discipleship some places call it mentorship right and i often say that as a
25:12culture
25:12our view of motherhood is too small that god's view of motherhood is much more expansive and if you only
25:20believe that the children you birth through your womb are the only children you've been called to mother
25:26you don't understand motherhood in god's eyes and so i just believe a maternal corrective experience
25:32is so key we've got to look around us and see who are some of the young women sometimes the
25:39older women
25:39who need someone to affirm them to love on them to believe in them to show up for them to
25:46teach them to
25:47correct them right because that's a part of mothering too that's a huge part of healing so yes it can
25:54be
25:54psychological it can be professional ultimately god wants to heal you the scripture tells us when
26:00your mother and father forsake you the lord will bear you up jesus even and through through the old
26:06testament god not only calls himself a heavenly father but he also metaphorically represents himself
26:13as a mother throughout scripture being a mother like a a raging bear who protects her cubs
26:20so god wants to heal you but because he built us for community even though we are injured by people
26:28we are also healed by people too amen thank you for that um i would love for this to go
26:35all day but we
26:36are going to have to wrap however comma dr sarita and albanir do have now i don't know if you
26:43guys are in
26:43the book community like i am but there's these there's these uh things called advanced reader copies
26:48or arcs so you get the book that they're publishing before it's published and they're pretty hot on the
26:54press so the first 25 people to sign up or to stand in line you will get a signed copy
26:59of both of
27:00their books momentum and honor thy mother and have a great day love y'all bye bye hopefully get to
27:09meet
27:09some of y'all
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