- 8 hours ago
Miriam Margolyes Made Me Me
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TVTranscript
00:02So I'm on my way, I've been invited to lunch. I'm here in Mulgolies. I have to supply the ice
00:10cream.
00:14Hello, I'm after a big tub of coffee ice cream. It's for Miriam.
00:23I'm absolutely fan of that.
00:25Yeah?
00:26Yeah.
00:31I was excited and I put a big snack in the bar.
00:35See you later.
00:37Cheers, mate.
00:46Oh, hi.
00:47Hello.
00:48Marina.
00:48Yes.
00:49It's Simon.
00:50Come in, Simon.
00:57What have you got?
00:58Ice cream.
00:59A little bit of something special in there, Misa.
01:01Okay.
01:02He's a lovely director called Simon Draper and I'm extremely fond of him.
01:07Are you filming me now?
01:09I thought I'd film my rival with your ice cream.
01:11Do you mind?
01:12No, no.
01:12It could be quite fun.
01:13He's coming to lunch and, you know, I asked him to buy the ice cream, but I am going to
01:19pay for it.
01:20Not to be right.
01:21Bye-bye.
01:23Oh, bless her.
01:24She's got cancer.
01:25It's just awful.
01:27I don't know how people, you know, deal with it.
01:30In fact, I've got so many friends with cancer and I'm spending all my time, you know, either comforting the
01:37relatives after they've died or talking to them and saying they're not going to die.
01:42Anyway, but, you know, sometimes they do.
01:44Um, it's, yeah.
01:46Are you all right?
01:48Well, look at my breasts.
01:50Oh, okay.
01:51Because, um...
01:52Let's go in.
01:54Because I've got a new bra.
01:56I went to Rigby at Bella.
01:57Yes.
01:58Is that where the Queen used to go?
01:59It is.
02:00I mean, were she alive, she would still be going.
02:02So I've sort of slightly displayed them today.
02:05Well done.
02:06And what's it doing that the other one's bra didn't do?
02:09Oh, lift and separate.
02:10Fine.
02:10Yeah.
02:11Which is what we all want.
02:12Which is what we all want.
02:14So let me just look at the ice cream.
02:17He was very excited.
02:18He sent me a little message to you to say hello.
02:20He loves you.
02:21So that's a little gift to you.
02:22It's a new flavour that he's got that he thinks you'll like.
02:27What is it?
02:29Tiramisu.
02:33It's a bit sweet.
02:36But you can have it.
02:37Well, no.
02:38But I'll tell him.
02:38Well, let's keep that to his...
02:39Okay.
02:40No, of course.
02:41You have to tell people.
02:43Yeah.
02:44If they send you something and they want to know if you like it,
02:47you've got to say,
02:49I like the look of it,
02:50I just don't like the taste of it.
02:53Come with me.
02:54Thanks for seeing me.
02:56You are actually very lucky because...
02:58Well, I know.
02:59...I'm so busy today.
03:01You've put on a bit of weight.
03:02I have a bat.
03:03Yes.
03:03I think you should find down for perfection.
03:08And so should I.
03:09But the first step was the bra.
03:11Yes.
03:12And I haven't shown him my breasts because he's a man.
03:16Yeah.
03:17But I've shown him my outline.
03:20And I'm just going to fart.
03:22Mm-hmm.
03:23Mm-hmm.
03:27Can I speak to Joseph, please?
03:29I'm Miriam.
03:33Salve, salve, salve.
03:34Salve, caro.
03:36Ho telefonato di dire grazie.
03:38Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
03:52I said, um, I loved it.
03:55I want, and I want to say thank you, but it was too sweet.
03:58It was too much sugar.
03:59Ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:01He took it well.
04:02Yes.
04:04So do you want to tell me what this is all about?
04:07What the flipping up are we doing?
04:08Well, listen, right, my dream is for you to talk to anybody you want to
04:13for potentially something that could develop
04:16into a really interesting, heartfelt project of yours
04:21that you could fit in between everything else that you do.
04:24But it's sort of an opportunity at 82 for you to talk to people
04:28about subjects you'd love to talk about.
04:30No, I'm quite intrigued by this notion.
04:35I love meeting people.
04:37Let's stop, but thank you.
04:39You are so kind to let me do that.
04:42No, it's interesting because I'm having to think, you know?
04:47Yeah, could be quite a fun little thing.
04:50It's a bit of a back story.
04:52Miriam's obviously a BAFTA with an actress, a national treasure.
04:58And me?
04:59I'm a jobbing TV director.
05:02Did a thing about Virgin Atlantic.
05:05That got slated.
05:09I did a celeb one in the Arctic Circle with Shane Ritchie and Michelle Moan.
05:13And a series about darts with Justin Lee Collins.
05:18Michelle Moan and Justin Lee Collins have since been cancelled.
05:21And then there's stuff with Miriam that did all right.
05:24But TV's just collapsed.
05:26There's no work.
05:28Decided I'm going to try and make a podcast.
05:35I'm back at Miriam's.
05:39Problem is, she's going to Australia.
05:41So I've decided to try and get her to take some equipment.
05:46So I'm going to experiment with seeing if she can plug it all in.
05:50And she's got the IT man in.
05:54How often do you come round, Chas?
05:58He hopes he's never going to have to come again.
06:00Last time I came round, she kept me here until half past midnight.
06:03I'm sorry about that.
06:04I know, that's fine. It's not a problem.
06:06Because you're not great with IT, would that be fair?
06:09Oh, it's absolutely fair.
06:11I'm not bad for an 82 year old.
06:14But I'm crap for everything else.
06:17What are you trying to do?
06:19I'm trying to get ready to go travelling.
06:21You want to leave three pairs of nickels here?
06:24Yeah.
06:25But leave them out.
06:26Because I need to, you know, if I piss myself on the brain.
06:29There's no other two.
06:31Yeah, this is good.
06:34What are you doing?
06:35Installing the software for the microphone.
06:39Click the recording tab.
06:41Recording in progress.
06:43Hello, Simon. How are you?
06:46Hello, Miriam.
06:47This is a historical moment.
06:49But as crazy as this sounds, the next time we will try this, Miriam,
06:52you'll be in Australia.
06:56Honestly, the things you make me do.
06:59Anyway, what I want to know is, if we stop this now...
07:16I'm on my way to record Miriam's first podcast.
07:20Miriam, of course, has made this quite tricky.
07:26She's in Australia.
07:27I'm in London.
07:30Obviously, I haven't got all the contacts she's got.
07:32So even though I'm meant to be producing for the first guest,
07:37Miriam's called up her mate, comedy legend Sally Phillips.
07:43Hiya.
07:46I'm Simon.
07:48I'm here for a podcast with Miriam.
07:50Can you hear us all right, Miriam?
07:52I can hear you perfectly.
07:54Oh my God, this is actually going to work.
07:56I've just spoken to Sally.
07:58And she's in the reception just finishing her porridge.
08:03Oh, hi, Sally.
08:04Hiya.
08:05Look, I'm filming.
08:06Is that Mim?
08:07Have you got Mim on the other lap?
08:08She's there, look.
08:09She's...
08:10Can she see me?
08:12She can't see me.
08:13I can't see you yet.
08:14If you sit in the chair.
08:15Hiya.
08:16There I can see you.
08:17There you are.
08:18Hi.
08:18How are you?
08:20I'm in the nightie, no bra.
08:23And it's about, what is it?
08:26It's nine o'clock.
08:27How do you two know each other?
08:29I managed to get to make a documentary series with Miriam.
08:33And Miriam went to a sort of retirement home in Florida.
08:36And we all got booted out within 24 hours.
08:42Because it was just before Trump got in.
08:44And she got into an argument with a resident there.
08:47Horrendous man.
08:47Oh, he was a c***.
08:48Absolutely.
08:49Recording in progress.
08:51You could well ask me, why am I joining the world of podcasts?
08:57When there are so many.
08:59Yeah.
08:59But, um, shall I ask you that?
09:02If you like.
09:03Yeah, why not?
09:05So, Mim, why are you doing a podcast?
09:08It's a chance for me to really learn about what flames people, what fires them up.
09:16And to discover stuff about myself as well.
09:20And I don't want, I so much don't want to be just a foul-mouthed, farty old lady.
09:30Because I'm more than that.
09:32I know I am.
09:33Because I always thought I was perfect.
09:35Smooth and clever and witty and brave.
09:39And maybe I am all those things.
09:41But I'm a lot of things that aren't good as well.
09:44And I'm beginning to see that.
09:46I think of myself as somehow important.
09:51And I'm trying to get rid of that.
09:53Because I'm not.
09:55You're important to the people who love you.
09:58But in the scheme of things, you only become important if you increase human happiness.
10:05Yeah, I'm dying to pee.
10:07Can I go off?
10:08Yes, go.
10:08Can we sort of stop for a minute?
10:11Yeah, of course.
10:12Hang on.
10:13Won't be a minute.
10:14Here she comes.
10:18Hello.
10:19Good wee-wee?
10:22Essential.
10:23Recording in progress.
10:24In your life, you have a lovely boy, whom a lot of people would say is disabled.
10:33Down syndrome.
10:34Yeah.
10:35I know that I could never bring up a child that was damaged in any way.
10:39I just couldn't do it.
10:43I'm lacking in humanity.
10:45That's just not true.
10:47And also, I think you would delight in it.
10:49Because one thing I've noticed about you is that you love rule-breaking.
10:57You're an anarchist in some ways.
10:58I'll send you a WhatsApp of a film I took at the weekend.
11:02And it's pure joy.
11:04I know you'd love it.
11:05That is gorgeous.
11:15We're not proud of our people on the edges, our eccentrics.
11:18You've got to fit into a box.
11:21Yes.
11:21And you make it possible for others to be free by showing that it's okay outside the box.
11:28But it is frustrating.
11:30I mean, he is frustrating.
11:30He's incredibly stubborn.
11:32Knock on the door at six in the morning.
11:34It's two policemen there.
11:35They say, do you know where your son is?
11:36And I go, no.
11:37I thought he was in bed, but I guess you know where he is.
11:39And they go, yeah.
11:39And they take me in the car.
11:41And this school, he'd gone back, got a big traffic cone and put it through the window to get revenge.
11:51What you'd love about it is that he tears up the rule book and he just responds in the moment
11:57with an open heart.
11:59And that's another way in which you're similar.
12:01He's a great revealer of character.
12:04I think that's a good place to finish off, given everyone's got busy lives.
12:08Miriam, you get to bed.
12:09Oh, I've got, I'm going to write to the king now.
12:12Oh, I'm going to write to the king now, please keep that in.
12:21Oh, Miriam, I love you so much.
12:24It's so nice to see you.
12:25Take good, good care of yourself.
12:28Hey, Sally, thank you so much.
12:30Recording stopped.
12:32Miriam's just finished a podcast.
12:34I'd have to say, I'm blown away.
12:37Miriam seems to be able to unpack people's lives in her own peculiar way.
12:43And we're going to do more.
12:53So there's still no TV work around.
12:56Or at least I've not had any offers.
13:00So I'm going to throw myself headfirst into the Miriam podcast.
13:04Trouble is, Miriam's extended a trip in Australia to another four months.
13:09And I'm skint.
13:13However, I did used to be in a band.
13:15And the good thing that came out of that was a collection of guitars.
13:19So I've sold all nine of them to pay for the airfare.
13:34Hello, Miriam.
13:36Hello.
13:37Hello, gents.
13:37You all right?
13:38I'm Simon.
13:38How are you doing?
13:40I'm all right.
13:42So you're on the tour.
13:44Yeah, well, we're nearly at the end of it now.
13:46I've been spruiking my book.
13:49You've been putting it?
13:50Spruiking it?
13:50Yeah.
13:51S-P-R-U-I-K-I-N-G.
13:54What does that mean?
13:55I'm boosting it.
13:56But, um, you know, selling, trying to sell copies of it.
14:00Right.
14:01Very efficient little outfit you've got here.
14:04I have that.
14:04It's nothing like when I was working with you, Miriam.
14:07It was chaos.
14:09Well, that was for BBC.
14:10They've got nothing.
14:15Come on, Lady Marlise.
14:17This is your humble abode.
14:18Oh, wow.
14:19All right?
14:21It's the final day tomorrow, right?
14:24Tomorrow's the last day.
14:25Out with a bang.
14:27Yeah?
14:28And to finish at the Opera House is an amazing house.
14:31Sydney Opera House.
14:32I know.
14:32That's a big deal.
14:34And it's sold out completely.
14:37You only got a ticket through my influence.
14:40Really?
14:41Yeah.
14:42I'm going to see what the bedrooms have.
14:45I can't bear being tucked in.
14:47Oh, yes.
14:48Oh.
14:50Switch everything on.
14:51That's it.
14:58Have you pissed yourself?
15:03Yeah.
15:04Oh, no.
15:18It's all right.
15:20Before, I knew it.
15:22Really?
15:22And I whisked it.
15:24Well, that's you, isn't it?
15:25I'm a risk taker.
15:28There we are.
15:29Do you need the knickers now?
15:31You've got them.
15:31Well, I'm going to...
15:32I'll get them.
15:33Oh, right.
15:33I'll leave these here.
15:36Yes.
15:37Just get a fresh pair.
15:41I guess it's old age, right?
15:43Is it old age?
15:44No, it's because I've got a weak pelvic floor.
15:46Oh.
15:49Um...
15:50Are you...
15:51Oh, no, oh, no.
15:52You're putting them on now.
15:53I'm sorry.
15:53Put them on now.
15:54Yes, it's not that sort of show.
15:56No.
15:58Sorry, Miriam.
15:59I thought you were going to go back into the toilet.
16:04Righto.
16:05All knickered up.
16:06All knickered up.
16:07Well done.
16:09What are you going to do today?
16:11Well, I'm going to try and finish off my cameos.
16:14Oh, yes.
16:14Because I've got about 32 to do.
16:18And what are they again?
16:21They're little messages.
16:23You are going to be 65 and you're going to retire on your 65th birthday.
16:30Now, I don't think you should retire
16:31because when people stop, they die.
16:37You're opinionated?
16:38Good.
16:39Don't stop being opinionated.
16:41That's life.
16:43You're a bridge player, slayer.
16:47Bridge is for idiots.
16:49Altogether, a giant ball,
16:51but full of life, full of heart,
16:55and desperately loved by all the family.
16:58So, that's all that matters.
17:01That was amazing.
17:03How much would someone pay to get that?
17:06Um, they pay...
17:07I clear £100
17:12and they pay...
17:14I think it's £127.
17:16Well, God, didn't she sound boring, that woman?
17:20Bloody hell.
17:23I said a giant ball.
17:25But it was a bit rude, actually.
17:27I hope...
17:29I thought you said ball.
17:32No.
17:32She's a giant ball, you said.
17:34Hang on, so you make £100 every cameo?
17:37Yeah.
17:38And how many cameos have you done?
17:39Is that a rude question?
17:41Well, I've done...
17:42No, it's...
17:43I mean, it's a perfectly genuine question
17:45because all...
17:46all anybody ever wants to talk about is money.
17:49I've made over, um...
17:51£320,000.
17:54No way.
17:55What?
17:56Oh, yeah.
18:00She seems in good spirits, so that's good.
18:02But I can't really do the podcast
18:04until she's done her show.
18:08Tonight, her room's on at the Opera House.
18:11Um, she wants me to help her prepare.
18:16Hello!
18:17Hello!
18:18It's me!
18:19Good.
18:20How are you?
18:21I'm good.
18:22Do you sleep all right?
18:23Yeah, not bad.
18:24I want to...
18:26go for a swim.
18:28But, um...
18:29what I want you to do...
18:31Yes.
18:31...is to help me with the costume.
18:33Right on.
18:33So I'm just gonna...
18:34Right.
18:35I'll put this...
18:36Everything's in.
18:37Everything is in.
18:38Everything's in.
18:39But it's not totally in.
18:40Fine, it needs securing.
18:41What do I have to do?
18:42Well, pull up the back.
18:44Just the back bit here.
18:45Yeah.
18:46Up it goes.
18:47Yeah.
18:47Oh, that was easy.
18:48Yeah.
18:50So I'll put this on.
18:51Yes.
18:52And then we'll go down to the pool.
18:54Do you want to put your swimming trunks on?
18:57No.
19:00I'm not gonna lie.
19:01Oh, what a shame.
19:02Well, no, because...
19:03Well, I might ask Elliot to come down then.
19:06I'm just...
19:07I'm not confident like I used to be physically.
19:10It's just one of those fucking things.
19:12I know.
19:13But it's age and it's disability, but I have so much else, so I can't rumble.
19:21In my early 80s, I've not only become disabled, but I've become very much more popular.
19:30So I don't know what to do about that.
19:32Are you happy that it's happened?
19:34It's late.
19:35Are you frustrated it's late?
19:37I would have liked to have been rich earlier.
19:41Yeah.
19:41Are you rich now?
19:42I'm rich now.
19:43What do you say rich is?
19:46Well, I'm not that rich, actually.
19:49I mean, I got a quarter of a million for writing a book, and then I got another quarter of
19:55a million
19:55for writing another book.
19:57Is that why you did it, for the money?
19:58Totally.
20:00Totally why I did it.
20:01Who's that?
20:02Oh, there's Elliot.
20:03Hello, Fribble.
20:04Hello, Elliot.
20:06You're all over.
20:07It's not eating, is it?
20:11Whoa!
20:13You're in!
20:14I'm in.
20:16How many lengths do you do?
20:18Well, when I was well, I used to do 40, but I do what I can.
20:26Why do you keep going there, Amy?
20:28What else would I do?
20:31Until I can't, I want to do it, because I like it.
20:36I mean, it's fun.
20:39So, Miriam, is this like your sort of pre-gig meal?
20:42Yes.
20:44A bit more.
20:47A bit more.
20:49That's it.
20:51So, how are you feeling about tonight, Miriam?
20:53Your last gig?
20:54I was scared.
20:54You're scared?
20:55Yeah.
20:56What are you scared of?
20:58Not being good enough.
21:06It's very good.
21:07You talk about you wishing you were slimmer and blah, blah, blah, but you don't eat crap food.
21:14Never.
21:15So, why do you think you're overweight, then?
21:19Because I eat too much.
21:21But I don't know if it's affected my career or not.
21:26I mean, everything that you are affects your career.
21:31Well, I'm capable of being a really good actress.
21:34I mean, not always, but I am capable of it.
21:38And I would like people to remember me.
21:42For that, too.
21:44If they remember anything.
21:46Let me cut the water.
21:57Bring a bottle in the car.
22:01I don't have a wee-wee?
22:05I'm amazed not coming to the toilet with me.
22:11Of course you knew it went through my mind.
22:17Let's roll.
22:18That's where I'm going to be.
22:20Yes, of course.
22:22You can take that.
22:23Yeah.
22:23Well done.
22:26I'll put you in the light.
22:28I'm going to be on the opera stage in about three hours.
22:35How about that?
22:36No one's going to believe that.
22:38They certainly aren't.
22:39They're going to say who the fuck she thinks she is.
22:45Come on, Margot Lise.
22:47Yeah, this is a bit special.
22:49Man, I like it.
23:03Well, I think we need to get a little wiggle on us.
23:07Coming up quarter to two.
23:09Right, off you go.
23:10I'll come to grab you when we're...
23:12I'll be loitering outside.
23:18Hello, look at you.
23:21That's a...
23:21That's...
23:22That is a really nice dress.
23:23Look at you.
23:24Oh, you look great.
23:26All right.
23:27Well, meet you up there.
23:29Good luck.
23:31Good luck.
23:32Straight to the lift.
23:33I'll turn on the two.
23:35I did a book tour in England, and it was extremely successful.
23:40And I discovered again my joy in having a live audience.
23:47But I'm a little bit nervous.
23:49Oh, yeah.
23:50Yeah, I'm nervous.
23:51I've always been nervous, just before.
23:54In case I don't deliver.
23:57Because people come with expectations.
24:01Please, welcome to the stage, Jane Caro and Miriam Margulies.
24:16Just settle down and enjoy.
24:19And we're going to put our old sailors from their faces.
24:24And so I'm going to use my party now.
24:27And we've got to start off, just to make sure that she knows how to do it.
24:36Okay.
24:38Cock sucking.
24:41Yeah.
24:43I used to do that so often when I was young.
24:49You don't think that a lesbian does that sort of thing.
24:52But when you don't know if you're a lesbian, you try it out.
24:57You know.
24:59People want this.
25:01They think that to hear a lady or somebody who talks posh say cunt is amusing.
25:08Okay.
25:10Cunt face.
25:13The things that happen to me are what I talk about.
25:17I looked up and there was a soldier with his trousers open and his cock hanging out.
25:27He was wanking.
25:30And they want to talk about my various suckings off.
25:33I said, look, I'm going to help you out.
25:40Just that moment when you can connect with an audience in a theatre.
25:45It is like no other joy that I know.
25:49Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
25:54I feel completely involved.
26:00I think that Harry Potter is a wonderful series, beautifully written.
26:05Enjoy it, relish it, remember it, be nostalgic about it, but move on.
26:12I'm completely receptive and I feel that they are to me and that is a, it's just glorious.
26:21If you can't deal with trans, fuck off.
26:29I'm not afraid of being cancelled.
26:31Fuck you.
26:32If you want to cancel me, cancel me.
26:45You did it.
26:48You did it.
26:49Did you like him?
26:51It's amazing.
26:52Oh, oh, good.
26:54I can't tell you what it means to me to have that sense that people are looking at me
27:01and smiling and with me.
27:05Honestly, I don't know what I've done to deserve such approval and kindness.
27:11It is just astonishing.
27:13I'm astonished by it.
27:16Seeing her in control of that crowd, it's remarkable.
27:21But I can't really justify coming all this way without trying to get the bloody podcast going.
27:26Hello, I'm Miriam Margulies and I've been offered a podcast, but I want to interview real people.
27:35I don't want Harry Potter conversations.
27:39I don't want lesbian conversations.
27:42I want to talk about you.
27:45Will you contact me and be serious?
27:49I'll be funny.
27:50You can be serious.
27:52Who could resist that?
27:55Hello, love.
27:56Oh, hi, Gorge.
27:57You all right?
27:59Yeah, I'm all right.
28:00I just saw your message.
28:02Sorry.
28:03I'm just going to wee.
28:04Oh, yes.
28:06Okay.
28:07How are you did, Link?
28:08What news?
28:09Well, I tell you what, there is some really exciting news.
28:12On TikTok, Miriam, you've had 25,000 people look at your video message.
28:18Oh, Christ.
28:19I know, that's a lot of people, isn't it?
28:21Yes.
28:24Decent?
28:25I am.
28:27I need you to empty the knickers.
28:32Empty the knickers?
28:33Because I can't read.
28:36Oh, no, they're damp.
28:37Let me put them on the outside.
28:42What I've noticed about Miriam is she seems to have this amazing power to draw out the people-pleaser out
28:49of everyone.
28:51Especially me.
28:54Maybe bring a coffee back.
28:55Yeah, I was going to say, so I can do that.
28:57What you had yesterday was a decaf, whatever, what's it called?
29:00Decaf?
29:01Decaf almond milk cappuccino.
29:04Extra, extra hot.
29:05Okay.
29:06I'll go and do that.
29:08So, another errand.
29:25I've sort of travelled 10,000 miles to effectively be looking after her, making sure she's all right.
29:33And you sort of find yourself drawn to it.
29:36She's like everyone's favourite person.
29:39You want her to like you.
29:42Can I come in?
29:43Yes, come in.
29:44Come in.
29:45Coffee.
29:45Coffee.
29:45What are you doing in the kitchen?
29:47Yeah.
29:47I, um, I think I probably won't actually take the coffee now.
29:54I'll heat it up for later.
29:56All right.
29:57Well, it will be extra, extra cold.
29:58Can you help me?
29:59Yeah, of course.
30:05It's just put things on.
30:09I'm sorry to press you into service at this stage, but I need help.
30:14You understand?
30:15Yeah, yeah.
30:15This is why I'm here.
30:16Well, you're really helping me.
30:18Of course.
30:18I'm grateful.
30:19Of course.
30:20Okay.
30:20Right.
30:21So, where are we going, Miriam?
30:24Well, rather nervously, I'm going to have a spinal injection.
30:29Um.
30:30You sound pleased, but that's not, uh, that's not the case.
30:33Well, I'm just nervous because I could die, but I probably won't.
30:38But it would be good to have my last moments, um, recorded.
30:43Sure.
30:43Any last words?
30:45Thank you, world, for a lovely ride.
30:51Oh, there's your extra hot coffee.
30:53Hold on.
30:54Yeah.
30:55Do you want me to take that coffee?
30:56Yeah.
30:57It's just crying out for you to spill it, isn't it?
31:02Mm-hmm.
31:03You all right?
31:08Yeah.
31:10I'm not chipper.
31:12No, of course.
31:13But I will be.
31:15Yeah.
31:15I will be chipper.
31:16Well, you're anxious, aren't you?
31:17I'm anxious and I'm frightened.
31:19I get the anxiety.
31:21I wouldn't want to be doing it.
31:23Um, but they're pros and it's going to improve your life.
31:26I mean, how will it change things?
31:28Well, it will be less pain.
31:29In your back?
31:30In my back and down my legs.
31:33Are you on killers, painkillers all the time?
31:36No.
31:36No.
31:36I don't take them.
31:38Okay.
31:38I just suffer.
31:39You suffer.
31:40I do it for them.
31:45You've arrived at your destination.
31:48Let's get you in and in the system.
31:51I didn't set out to be a dog's buddy, but actually, now that I am a dog's buddy, you realise
31:56you're
31:56hanging out with someone who seems to live their life according to their own rules.
32:01So to see it, to experience it, it's fascinating.
32:04I'm not sure how it helps the podcast, but it reassures me that this might all be worth it.
32:09Vera, I'll see you later.
32:10All right, my darling.
32:11Good luck.
32:16Does your back feel numb at the moment?
32:19It feels a little bit like that.
32:21Yeah, a little bit odd.
32:23Hello.
32:24Hello.
32:25Do you mind if I film you getting a photograph with Maria?
32:28Is that all right?
32:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:29Sorry, I'm overwhelmed.
32:31I'm overwhelmed.
32:32Sorry, I know this is crazy, but she's just a gem.
32:37We've got Maria, Maria!
32:39This is so exciting.
32:41Why are you such a fan?
32:43Oh, because of your honesty.
32:47I'm very impressed with your kindness.
32:50Not so good.
32:50It's like a Miriam fan club.
32:52It's really weird.
32:53Isn't it?
32:55Isn't it?
32:58How does your back feel?
32:59It feels good.
33:00We're going to try and do the podcast, if that's okay.
33:03Yes, of course.
33:07Is this your HQ, media HQ for podcasting?
33:12I don't think it's ever been called that before, but that's actually what it is.
33:16So who are you about to speak to?
33:18I'm going to speak to an old lady called Elaine Townshend, a very interesting achiever.
33:27And that's what I like.
33:29Right.
33:31Connecting to audio.
33:38Good day, darling.
33:40How are you?
33:42I'm very relieved to see you.
33:45And I believe we are recording.
33:48So great.
33:50Tell me about you.
33:52I'm in the right trade, and I've had the privilege of knowing lots of big stars.
33:57I've dressed them for stage performances, opera performances.
34:01People like Elton John, Tina Turner, Schur.
34:06So I used to buy all that.
34:07I'm going to stop for a minute.
34:08I'm just going to stop.
34:09Sorry, Elaine.
34:10Miriam just needs to have a lie down.
34:12She had a hospital appointment.
34:13Yeah, I'm suffering a little from the after effects.
34:20Hello.
34:21Oh, hi, Miriam.
34:22Are you all right?
34:24I am.
34:25I've just woken up.
34:26Yeah.
34:26Are you in the dark?
34:28Have you got your thing on?
34:31I'm going to sit.
34:31I'm going to sit.
34:31The curtains are drawn.
34:33Come up now.
34:35Okay, so I'm thinking yesterday's podcast probably wasn't the best.
34:39But I've started to realise when she's not performing, you see another Miriam.
34:44That's much more fascinating.
34:49There we are.
34:50Hello.
34:51Hello, darling.
34:51Come in.
34:52I want to find this friend of mine who was at school with me.
34:59And I know she's in a care home and I've got the address.
35:03In Sydney, is it?
35:04In Sydney.
35:04I'll get an Uber.
35:06I think so.
35:07That's probably the best plan.
35:08I've got money.
35:09So...
35:09Well, let's spend it on cabs.
35:12Yeah.
35:13I think we're here, Miriam.
35:15Come on.
35:17Here we go.
35:18Hold on.
35:20So, Miriam, who are we going to see?
35:22Well, I hope we're going to see my friend Joyce Wiggins.
35:25We were at school together in Oxford in the 1950s.
35:31And you, uh, you're just paying her a surprise visit?
35:35Yeah.
35:36Can I go to Oxford?
35:38Joyce.
35:41Hello.
35:42Hello.
35:43How are you doing?
35:44I'm doing very well, thank you.
35:47It's Miriam.
35:49I know who you are.
35:52Well, do you want to come out?
35:54Oh, I can't.
35:56Okay.
35:57Well, then, in that case, we stay here.
36:00I can't come because I'm bedbound.
36:04Who did your nails, Joyce?
36:08Oh, I don't know.
36:10I can't remember.
36:11One of the staff?
36:13Or is it someone who comes in and sort of cheers people up a bit?
36:19Well, it could have been either.
36:21I can't remember.
36:24Did, why, when did your memory go?
36:26Because you did, when I last was with you, your memory was just the same as always.
36:31But it's not so good now, is it?
36:33No, it's not.
36:34Yeah, that, that's irritating, isn't it?
36:38Yes, it is.
36:39Because I can't remember.
36:41I know, I know.
36:43Did you know it was me when you saw me?
36:46Or did it take a minute for you to sort of think, who the fuck is that?
36:50No, I don't think that way.
36:53She's rather well behaved, Joyce.
36:56She always was.
36:57Yes, yes.
36:57But did you think, I don't know that woman was coming?
37:01You did know me, did you?
37:03Joyce, what was Miriam like as a, as a, at school?
37:08Well, how do you mean, scholastically?
37:12No, behaviour-wise.
37:14Oh, well, we won't talk about that.
37:18I have to drink, otherwise, you know, I'll be ill.
37:23So, it's very important.
37:25Ooh, ooh!
37:29Well, that's that then.
37:32Do you remember Carol Ray?
37:36Judith died?
37:38Yes.
37:39She's dead.
37:41Judith Moore died.
37:43And Hilary Snelly died.
37:46But we're still here.
37:48Who's just come to cheer you up, Joyce?
37:50Well, I, I came for my own purposes.
37:53I wanted to see you.
37:55So, do you just sit here all day with nobody to talk to?
37:59Yes.
38:00Well, that's no bloody good.
38:02Well, I know that, but like, what can I do about it?
38:06I'm going to have a word with someone
38:08and see if I can make things a little bit better.
38:11Oh, oh, oh.
38:14I'm shivering in my boots.
38:16I don't like leaving you without making the situation better.
38:21That's the thing.
38:23You made the situation better.
38:26You made me laugh.
38:28That's good.
38:29Yeah, and that is good.
38:30That is good.
38:32Just gives you a lovely feeling.
38:34Good.
38:35Well, that's, that's the whole point, you know.
38:40That's what my life has been,
38:42trying to make people laugh
38:44and make them feel better.
38:47And one full up.
38:49Da-da-da-da-dee.
38:51Why do you keep in touch with people so much as you do?
38:55I want to be close to people who were once close to me.
38:59Why?
39:00I don't like to let people go.
39:01Bye, darling.
39:03Bye-bye.
39:03You take care.
39:04I will.
39:05I need them.
39:06Bye-bye.
39:06Bye-bye.
39:07I'm good at friendship.
39:09Are you?
39:09I am.
39:10Because what do you think constitutes a good friend?
39:14Yes.
39:17The definition of a friend used to be
39:20someone who really knows me and still likes me.
39:26I get joy from friendship.
39:30It's, it is important.
39:32I long to enwrap everybody in my envelope.
39:37I just want to know everything about everybody.
39:41So I'm the sort of person
39:43that if you see someone sitting on a seat,
39:47I don't go to the next seat, which is empty.
39:49I'll go to the seat where there's somebody sitting.
39:51I'd never do that.
39:53I know most people don't do that.
39:55But I do.
39:56And I like it.
39:57I'm not going to change.
39:59I've always been like that.
40:06All right, so I'm on my way home.
40:09You're just going to be cropping through this galleon on the other side.
40:12Yes, I'm loving.
40:13Cheers.
40:13I didn't quite know what to expect when I came in.
40:16I've done a lot of looking after.
40:17And the podcast thing's been a bit stop-start.
40:20But I have started to realise the sort of effect Miriam has on people.
40:24Her honesty and bluntness and her way of expressing affection
40:28seems to make people feel alive.
40:30They're like transformed and joyous.
40:37I so loved your company.
40:40I thought we had such a lovely, just a lovely interlude, wasn't it?
40:45It was.
40:45I was only there for six days.
40:46But I honestly came back thinking, I don't know what's just happened.
40:50It was like a, we did a lot.
40:52And I felt I was thrown into your world.
40:56And I missed it when I left.
40:58Come on then.
41:04I was feeling quite positive.
41:06But Miriam doesn't really have any urgency for this thing.
41:10She's now in Tuscany.
41:11And I'm still skint.
41:13And I've still not got any telework.
41:17I even tried looking for other things.
41:21I've even been to Heathrow Airport.
41:23For an interview for a front of house manager in their airside restaurant.
41:29Yeah, so basically I was a, I was a series director on the TV.
41:33But I've sort of left that now.
41:35But I think I'm a bit of a people person.
41:37So I was looking for something that's a bit more secure and customer service based.
41:42I'm changing career, I suppose.
41:46I didn't get it.
41:49So I've sort of got all the eggs in the Miriam podcast basket.
41:54And I'm waiting for them to hatch.
42:01So it's summer.
42:05Miriam's back.
42:07Hoping round to say hello.
42:09She's off to a royal reading room with the Queen.
42:15I'm not invited, is it?
42:20Oh, hello.
42:21Hello.
42:23How are you?
42:24I'm okay, thank you.
42:25I'm always filming when I see you.
42:28Is the missus in?
42:30Who is it?
42:30It's Simon.
42:32Oh!
42:33You've forgotten, haven't you?
42:35Yeah, I forgot.
42:36Oh, don't worry.
42:37Look at you, Miriam.
42:39Well, you've got to make an effort, haven't you?
42:41Dickens event for the Queen's reading room.
42:44Yeah.
42:45And then, um...
42:46What, are you reading Dickens, are you?
42:49Yes.
42:50Oh.
42:50First of all, I'm reading Mr. Bumble and Mrs. Corny.
42:54We've given away, Mrs. Corny.
42:56We've given away a matter of 20 quarter loaves and a cheese and half this very blessed afternoon.
43:04And yet, them paupers is not contented.
43:08Of course not, Mr. Bumble.
43:10When would they be?
43:12That's the way with these paupers, Mum.
43:15Give them, um...
43:18Give them a apron full of coals today and they'll come back for another the day after tomorrow as brazen
43:27as alabaster, Mrs. Corny.
43:31The great principle of out-of-door relief is to give them paupers exactly what they don't want and then
43:42they get started a cabin.
43:44Oh, dear baby.
43:46That's a good one, too.
43:49So that's exactly what happens today.
43:53Wow.
43:53The last time I met the Queen, who was the late Queen, I fucked up totally.
44:00But, um...
44:01What did you do?
44:03Well, I, you know, when she asked me what I did, I said I was the best reader of stories
44:08in the whole world.
44:09And, of course, that didn't go down terribly well.
44:12I want to be truthful.
44:14Yeah.
44:14And I am the best reader of stories.
44:17It turns out you are.
44:18Well, but it wasn't the right thing to say and she thought it was very poor.
44:22Did she?
44:23Yes.
44:24She just...
44:24What, what, just...
44:25Did she say anything?
44:29She went...
44:31This is a chance to maybe redeem yourself.
44:33Second shot.
44:35Although you've met Camilla before, correct?
44:37Yes, and I love her.
44:39And she makes the King very, very happy.
44:42They love each other.
44:43And, you know, when you're with people who love each other, you feel good.
44:48Mm.
44:48You know, you've got sort of socialist leanings.
44:52Where do you stand on the royal family, then, given that you love the King and Queen so much?
44:56Well, I think you just have to say I'm inconsistent.
45:00Oh.
45:02Are you going out tonight, Marina?
45:04She's coming with me.
45:06I've got her a ticket.
45:09Oh, my God, you're going to meet the Queen?
45:11I need to bow, guys.
45:13Are you curtsy?
45:14Do you know how to curtsy?
45:15Any foot.
45:16I'll see it.
45:17And that's right.
45:17And then that's it.
45:19How long have you been working with me?
45:21During the summer years?
45:23And you're still smiling, Marina.
45:27So, whoop, whoop.
45:28Oh, hello.
45:29Take that seat.
45:30Goodness me.
45:31We have drama.
45:32Why drama?
45:33We were just saying how long you've known Miriam, and that was it.
45:36Oh.
45:38Everyone just calm down.
45:39We've all had a coffee.
45:40Can we do comedy?
45:41Yeah, yeah, exactly.
45:43Your driver has arrived.
45:45Okay, passport.
45:46Let's put the big stuff in first.
45:49Knickers.
45:50Yeah.
45:50Times two.
45:52Yeah.
45:52Okay.
45:53Spectacles.
45:54Spectacles.
45:55And cola bottles.
45:57Yes.
45:58I need them.
45:59You could come with us in the taxi.
46:03Could I?
46:04Yeah.
46:04And then, how are you going to get home, then?
46:07Oh, it's Hampton.
46:08It's Hampton Court.
46:09Yeah.
46:09Well, I'd just, I'd just get trained.
46:12Because I like being with you.
46:14Okay.
46:14You know, you're one of the very few men in my life.
46:17You can tolerate.
46:18It makes me feel happy.
46:20Oh, good.
46:21Well, that's, I'm impressed.
46:26She's an odd one, Miriam.
46:28You don't get to where she's got without being a bit self-obsessed.
46:31But she simultaneously is capable of being really generous to all of those in her orbit.
46:37But with Marina and me, she's letting me bumble around, letting me do all this.
46:44And you start wondering why more people aren't like that.
46:48Saturday night at that Hampton Court with the Queen went rather well, then.
46:52It was a tryout.
46:54Did you see the photo?
46:55Oh, I loved it.
46:56But the funniest thing, of course, was I wanted to curtsy.
46:59And I realized that I wasn't going to make it, and I was wobbling.
47:03Oh.
47:03And so I put out my hand and grabbed hold of her, and steadied myself.
47:12I could very easily both have fallen spectacularly to the ground.
47:18Did Marina like it?
47:20Oh, she was over the moon.
47:23I introduced her.
47:24I introduced her to the Queen.
47:27Marina wrote me today.
47:28She said, I could never thank you enough for your kindness.
47:32Oh, that's so sweet.
47:33It was a really nice touch, though.
47:35That was a nice thing for you to do.
47:36But I'm so...
47:37She looked so pleased.
47:40That's great.
47:41But she's a really good person.
47:42Yeah, exactly.
47:44It deserves good things to happen.
47:51So I've managed to get a job back in telly, which is good, or should be good.
47:55Rob Rinder and Ryland go to Italy to look at art.
48:02I'm still trying to persevere with Miriam's pod.
48:05Trying to make it.
48:07I don't think your camera's working, Frank.
48:09Maybe even try and sell it.
48:11Hello, I'm Miriam Margulies.
48:13I'd love you to steam my yoni with me.
48:16In other words, let's just chat away.
48:20What's a yoni again?
48:21A yoni, I think it might be Hindi for a cunt.
48:29There's been a bit of interest, but nothing definite.
48:34The problem is, most people want loads of podcasts.
48:38I've been doing this nearly a year now.
48:41And so far, we've done five.
48:43And only one of them is with someone famous.
48:46Not because celebs don't want to talk to her.
48:49There are cues of them wanting to talk to her.
48:52She wants to catch up with people.
48:54It meant something to her.
48:56And who am I to tell her she's wrong?
48:58When she never seems to be.
49:02Admit, Zoom user.
49:04Oh, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it.
49:06No, it's not a touch one.
49:09You've been getting ideas about your station.
49:13Hello, darling.
49:15Bernie Stringle.
49:17Bernie Stringle I met when I was a voiceover artist.
49:21Here, fancy a cup of PG, Ada.
49:24And he was acknowledged to be the best director of television commercials.
49:29Go on, give us a clue then.
49:31What was your line for the chimpanzee commercials?
49:34It's the taste.
49:42That's so good.
49:44It's a good advert, isn't it?
49:46It's a brilliant advert, and it did very well.
49:48There's no other tea to beat PG.
49:51It's the taste.
49:52You were a very important part, because of the chimps, of my own professional life.
50:00Oh, wow.
50:01And that's, I'm doing a sort of catch-up my life, you see, and that's why you're in this.
50:08Through the journey of my life, I've met terrific people along the way, and I've had a wonderful time with
50:16them.
50:16But my mother was the one that made me believe that something wonderful would happen to me.
50:25She did imbue the idea that don't settle for something you don't want to do.
50:34It's like a jigsaw.
50:36I want to fill in the gaps, and there are gaps because people have died, and I don't want them
50:42to die before I get to them.
50:44We're running out of time, so we've got ten minutes.
50:48We've got ten minutes today.
50:51To carry on, sweetie.
50:52You don't want to upgrade.
50:53How do we get rid of this thing?
50:57Right, now, he's not there yet.
50:59What have you learned in your life?
51:01I believe most passionately that truth is essential, that people have to be able to believe you.
51:09And that, I would think, is the most important part of my life, maintaining the brand of truth that is
51:17Miriam Margulies.
51:18That's it.
51:19I'm back.
51:21We're back.
51:22I don't lie.
51:24I don't prevaricate.
51:27I'm not shifty.
51:29I'll tell it like it is, and I'll tell you to your face.
51:33Are you still feeling good?
51:34I'm suffering.
51:35I need a hit.
51:36Well, I need a new bladder that keeps, stops me from pissing all the time.
51:42Does death feel more approximate?
51:44Death feels extremely close.
51:48Death feels round the corner, behind the bush, just up the road.
51:53That's very nice of you to have thought about me.
51:56Oh, you can't forget you, Bernie.
51:58I am scared of it, and I think I probably always will be.
52:02And I'm cross about death.
52:04It's a bit of a liberty to close me up, to stop me.
52:10Cheers.
52:11Bye, darling.
52:11God bless.
52:12And you.
52:13Pretty lucky.
52:14But it's going to happen, and I hope it happens without pain, without loss of dignity.
52:21All the things that everybody wants.
52:23But I'll be sad when I die, and I hope other people will, too.
52:28Ninety would be good.
52:30I would like to be ninety.
52:32I would like to be ninety and still myself.
52:36I don't want to be ninety and be a babbling twat.
52:39No.
52:39Who wants that?
52:40No one.
52:54I've been trying to make a podcast with Myriam for nearly two years now, and I'm realising
52:58it's probably not a podcast.
53:00It's probably a film.
53:02And now I need an ending.
53:03I'm in Edinburgh.
53:05Myriam's supposed to be doing her play.
53:07But I'd better be quick, because Roma has it.
53:09She's a death's door.
53:16I've got these cheeky little feathers for you.
53:18Oh, Simon, you're a doll.
53:20How are you?
53:21I'm eighty-four, basically.
53:23You're eighty-four.
53:24I know.
53:25Do you want me to put...
53:25It's not sweet.
53:26I am pleased.
53:27Well, you told me to sort of slim down for perfection.
53:31Yeah.
53:31Oh, now that is it.
53:34What's the reason you're about you dying?
53:37About two years ago, a cow's aortic valve was inserted through two holes in my groin,
53:44pulled up inside, and exploded into my heart, taking over the job of the one I was born with.
53:52Well, that was two years ago.
53:54And they used the photograph and put it in the paper and said, you know, sad news.
54:01Myriam hasn't got very long to live.
54:04Just an anonymous person.
54:05It was what's known as a reporter, a somewhat lazy reporter.
54:09Actually, I think I might phone her up.
54:12Please leave a message after the phone.
54:17It's Miriam Margulies here.
54:19I did survive to turn up to the festival.
54:23And I think we ought to have a chat.
54:26Do give me a ring back.
54:27Bye, darling.
54:29Why did it annoy you?
54:30I was annoyed because I thought it might stop people buying tickets.
54:34Yeah.
54:35It's a commercial thing, living, you know.
54:38Oh, I think I might have a shit.
54:39See you shortly.
54:40Yes, I'll close the door.
54:48Um, where's my phone?
54:50So let me stop it there a sec.
54:52This is what happened next.
54:53I was having a shit.
54:55Miriam proceeded to graciously bollock the journalist.
54:58Why did you say that I was dying?
55:01Who said they, like loads of other journos, had just ripped a story that had already appeared in the Daily
55:07Mirror without checking the facts.
55:08Why don't people check every fucking paper and the country picked it up?
55:14And it's a bit upsetting to read, as you can imagine.
55:18The journalist, perhaps unsurprisingly, doesn't want to be identified because they feel a bit foolish.
55:23I'm an old lady and I can give you advice, always check your sources.
55:28You know, you don't want to make mistakes.
55:31It's not worth it.
55:32Because it makes you look a bit of a wall-y.
55:35Bye, love.
55:37That's how to do it.
55:39That is how to do it.
55:41Because I've got my point across, but without venom.
55:46But seriously.
55:48I've got a bit of news.
55:49What we've been making together is it turns into a film about how you change people's lives by talking to
55:54them and being you and authentic.
55:56And, um, I realised that one of the people that's changed probably the most is me.
56:04Oh, Simon.
56:06Well, no, being serious.
56:08There's something I've done since we've been filming together that I've been wanting to do all my life.
56:13And you sort of gave me the confidence to sort of go, do it.
56:16And this will make it out.
56:18Well, hopefully.
56:19I tried to do some stand-up comedy.
56:23And I did my first show a couple of weeks ago.
56:26I didn't know that.
56:27No.
56:28I've got a bit of a...
56:29Oh, not to see that.
56:30I will not be offended if you don't find it funny, but I'm just...
56:33I'll tell you, you don't grow if you don't hear the truth.
56:37It's important for all of us.
56:39Yeah.
56:41Give it back, Mr. Oliver! Give it back, Mr. Oliver!
56:44Yeah!
56:48Um, do you ever look in the mirror and think, my God, you look like a copper?
56:54People will come up to you because they think you are a copper.
56:56They come up to you.
56:57I had one the other day who came up to me and he said,
56:59Listen, I've just had my bikes, Dom.
57:01There's CCTV footage and there's a tracking device on the bike, so I know exactly where it is.
57:07And I thought, well, fuck me, I'm going to be a copper here.
57:08So I said, um, the mate was so sorry.
57:10There's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
57:13And he was like, fuck the hell, you are a copper.
57:21I like the thing that you look like a policeman because, of course, you do.
57:25I mean, that is what is funny.
57:28But what I like is that you are yourself.
57:31So that's all come from you.
57:32How bad is that?
57:34It's amazing.
57:36It's amazing.
57:37Well, look, I just wanted to say thanks.
57:39Oh, dear, dear heart.
57:42I love you, Simon.
57:44You know, you're a straight man I love.
57:47I think the car's come.
57:48Okay.
57:49Well, look.
57:51Right.
57:52I know you don't do hoes.
57:53Can I just, can I just lean in and say thank you?
57:55Mwah!
58:01What did you think of the film?
58:03It's me.
58:04And I love me.
58:07I don't know if everybody will be as much in love with me as I am.
58:12But I think it's a terribly good film.
58:15And I think it's truthful.
58:16I wish I was prettier.
58:18I wish I was slimmer.
58:20But it's me.
58:23And if you're going to make a film about Miriam Margulies,
58:27that's the film to make.
58:37A-list guests on the most exciting sofa on telly.
58:41The Claudia Winkleman Show on BBC iPlayer.
58:43Watch now.
58:44And this and everything across the BBC is made possible
58:47because we're funded by you.
58:50I'll see you next time.
58:51Bye.
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