00:00I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise
00:04one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
00:09you're definitely going to shit yourself roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
00:15being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
00:20your butt cheeks will fall off. Here's the thing, I had awakened that morning, and even after two
00:25cups of coffee and all of you know what I mean, nothing happened. No Watson's movement too.
00:29Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
00:35morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of
00:39reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the depot, my quest being
00:45paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
00:51cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
00:56end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't
01:01know
01:01what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that, uh, oh shit, gotta go pain that always seems to hit us
01:06at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras and the chili from the
01:12night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
01:17intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in
01:21the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
01:26warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious
01:32cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more
01:37of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh ever so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
01:44part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
01:48apron clerk turned the
01:50corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to
01:55see what
01:55his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn
02:00in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will
02:05be able to relate. I could have warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked
02:10into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
02:16gathering his senses and running was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head
02:21as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
02:26laugh, and that was where I made my first big mistake. Here's the thing, when you laugh, it's
02:32hard to keep things clamped down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw, an explosive issue
02:37burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks
02:43in
02:43other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
02:48Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the
02:53restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand-asplosion
02:58took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
03:03inevitable
03:04oh my god floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning so bad purging. One poor fellow
03:10walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of shock and awe. He made
03:14a gagging
03:15sound and disgustedly said, son of a bitch, did it smell that bad when you ate it? Then he quickly
03:20left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending
03:26to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, sir, you might want to step
03:31outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store and the manager
03:37is
03:37going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two with you which ought to take care
03:41of the
03:41problem. My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee
03:47took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and pointing at me in an accusing
03:53manner shouted, it's you, then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
03:59escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies,
04:05I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
04:10The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in
04:15court over
04:15the whole matter.
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