- 11 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:19If I had a child, a real child, I would leave it in the woods for one year.
00:24I would check on it with a telescope, but I would like to see how it vents for itself.
00:32The best piece of advice I have ever given is just be yourself, and if no one likes this, change.
00:40I just want to be myself. I just want to express myself.
00:43But what if you're a shitty person? What if you have nothing good to offer?
00:47Become something different. Change.
00:49If you were a politician, what would your platform be?
00:52Don't look at me. Please.
00:56If you could do any other job, what would it be?
00:58Window washer. Hang from a wire and make things clear.
01:03Very philosophical.
01:07With all that you've accomplished, is there anything else that you want to do?
01:13No. I'm ready for death. Tonight.
01:20Help me, I'm dying.
01:21Show title, not to be taken literally, is metaphorical in nature.
01:26Although, if you think about it, am I not really just an animated sack of human meat
01:33shellacked with a poisonous shell of cosmetic?
01:38In this sense, please help me.
01:54The ballroom was filled with fashion's thrall.
01:57It shone with a thousand lights.
01:59And there was a woman who passed along, the fairest of all the sites.
02:03A boy to himself softly sighed.
02:05She'd married for wealth, not love, he cried.
02:08But now she lives in a mansion grand.
02:13And she's only a bird in a gilded cage.
02:17A beautiful sight to see.
02:21You may think that she's happy and free from care.
02:25Yeah, we did.
02:26It's good to see a master's grad do something decent with their career.
02:30De-straight, at least ten years.
02:32Oh, it's been a long team.
02:34Yeah, have you been to the campus?
02:35It's insane what they've done now.
02:36Teachers aren't jaded anymore, it's all amazing.
02:38Oh my god, why is there, it's all, it's all.
02:41It's beer's good now?
02:42But I was like a, um, like a crack whore for a while.
02:45So, you know, it's like.
02:47I know exactly, I know exactly.
02:49It's like ten years.
02:50That's great.
02:52Thank you so much for coming back to Boston.
02:54It's been way too long.
02:55It has been too long.
02:56Thank you for coming.
02:56It's great.
02:57Thank you, thank you.
02:58Come on, come on in.
02:59I just sold your aunt my ticket.
03:00Oh, nice.
03:01Your Aunt Kathy.
03:02Shut the fuck up.
03:03You're kidding.
03:04I'm not kidding, I wish I was kidding.
03:05Aunt Kathy.
03:06Yes.
03:08Where did you come?
03:11Can you believe I got in here?
03:13I'm not kidding.
03:14You wouldn't believe the story.
03:15This is for you.
03:16Why did she fucking call me?
03:16I tried today and I texted you.
03:19I remember.
03:19But this is.
03:20Can my friends take a picture of us all together?
03:22Because you won't believe how we got in here.
03:26Did you scam your way?
03:28No, kind of.
03:28But we're here.
03:30We're here.
03:31Friends of the family.
03:34Oh, thank you.
03:35Oh my God.
03:36They have my.
03:36No, I meant when I said you're the best thing to come out of sin.
03:39Because.
03:39Oh, thank you.
03:40Bad to work.
03:41Yeah, I guess it is.
03:44And now I'm doing exactly what I went to school for.
03:47Right?
03:47It's crazy.
03:48Yeah.
03:48I came paid lots of cash.
03:50Cash.
03:51Yeah, cash.
03:52Money.
03:52Cash.
03:52Cash.
03:52One of the only ones like that.
03:54Yes.
03:54And we are home tonight.
03:56Are you running?
04:15I stood in a churchyard just at Eve when sunset a door in the West and looked at the people
04:20who'd come to grieve for loved ones now made at rest.
04:23A tall marble monument marked the grave of one who'd been fashion's queen.
04:31And I thought, she is happier here at rest than to have people say when they've seen.
04:36It's sad when you think of her wasted life and the woman who passed along.
04:41The hot summer rustles as the western lot fails like a carnival.
04:45When I was like 11, I went to see Cirque du Soleil for the first time.
04:50And I didn't know what it was.
04:51And my father got tickets for the whole family to go see.
04:54And I like creamed my pants.
04:57Like I was like, I was like, my jaw was like on the floor the whole time.
05:00I was just like, I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the whole time.
05:07And then I was like obsessed, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed.
05:09And then it was two years until their next show would come to Boston.
05:13And I like was on the, I did one of those things on the calendar where I X'd off every
05:17day until the show was like three months in the future.
05:19And then when we got to that show, I sat down and I was like, this is it.
05:27It's so small.
05:29And then I watched the show and then the show ended.
05:33And on the car ride home for 45 minutes, I cried because it was so disappointing.
05:38And I paused.
05:54BOSTON!
06:16BOSTON!
06:17Shut up!
06:20Spasibo
06:22Listen, BOSTON!
06:24I just have to tell you, right off the bat
06:28There is
06:29a pool of ecstatic juice
06:34forming in my midsection
06:36I am so overcome
06:38with this ecstatic feeling
06:40to be back in my hometown
06:42Oh
06:47Oh
06:49Oh
06:49Oh
06:49Oh
06:49Oh
06:50Oh
06:51Oh
07:05Shut up!
07:07I don't want the ego
07:39Okay
07:39Ladies and gentlemen
07:39At this time
07:41I would be just beginning my makeup
07:43to prepare for an evening
07:45of sweating off three-quarters of my body weight
07:49until people are literally died of alcohol poisoning
07:53except one
07:54who pukes right on me
07:57But we are here in a theatre
07:59In a theatre
08:01Oh
08:06It feels
08:08It feels like home
08:09You see the theatre
08:10It's in my blood
08:12Quite literally
08:12I was stabbed here this morning
08:18Oh
08:19And for those of you
08:20who have not yet had the dubious pleasure
08:22of making my acquaintance
08:24Hello
08:26I am simply your average
08:28run-of-the-mill Russian bisexual transvestite hooker
08:35Enchante
08:36Enchante
08:37Enchante
08:38And
08:38I can sense already
08:40something
08:41I must address
08:41is this phenomenon
08:43known as
08:43cognitive dissonance
08:45because
08:46what
08:47what you are seeing
08:49what you are visually processing
08:51with your eyeball
08:51is
08:52no doubt
08:54the spitting image
08:55of
08:55Michelle Pfeiffer
08:57Yes
08:59Yes
09:01However
09:02the auditory sensation
09:04that enters inside your ear hole
09:06is Borat
09:09Don't become emotional
09:10It is
09:11simply
09:13an unfortunate characteristic
09:15of every single Russian woman
09:17that we are
09:18supermodel
09:19over six foot tall
09:20but
09:21we sound like your Uncle Jerry
09:25It's my cross to bear
09:28Also
09:29I must address
09:31a very unsettling fact
09:32that you are
09:33right now
09:34processing
09:34the fact
09:35that
09:35I am a concert violinist
09:40New discoveries can be very stressful
09:42for the nervous system
09:43so
09:43we process together
09:44now
09:45Thank you
10:01Thank you so much for coming tonight
10:05Thank you so much for coming tonight
10:05This show
10:07How should I say
10:08If you are
10:08a fan
10:09of
10:10logical
10:11narrative flow
10:15We don't do that
10:17We don't do that
10:18We don't do that
10:19We don't do that
10:20If you've ever
10:21soaked
10:22a dirty diaper
10:24in
10:25lysergic acid
10:27during the months of July
10:29in Siberia
10:31and then
10:31squeezed it out
10:32into your mouth
10:33in August
10:34in August
10:37That's a little bit
10:38of what you have in store for you tonight
10:46Glad to see that you have remained
10:48totally disgusting
10:49Very good
10:50And I know
10:52listen
10:52I am
10:53yes
10:54a very beautiful woman
10:55but
10:55not without struggle
10:57Not without struggle
10:58I
10:59I was
11:01trying so desperately
11:02to
11:02organize
11:03the events of my life
11:05into some kind of concise
11:06and consistent
11:07presentation
11:08but
11:09I was
11:10coming up
11:10nil
11:11I remember
11:12probably a year ago
11:13I was in my apartment
11:15perched on my stovetop
11:17just
11:19clutching a very big warm mug
11:22of Diet Pepsi
11:24and
11:40Diet Pepsi
11:43You cannot beat the real thing
11:46and
11:47ladies and gentlemen
11:48as the afternoon light
11:49filtered in
11:50through the window
11:50my
11:51dark
11:52and swollen
11:53areola
11:55were clearly visible
11:57through the worn
11:57and weathered cotton
11:58of my
11:59target nightgown
12:02and I was
12:03losing myself
12:05losing myself
12:06in many moments
12:07of deep
12:08narcissistic
12:09reflection
12:10wondering
12:11how do I tell this story
12:13of my life
12:13so I figured
12:14you know
12:14why not just start
12:15at the beginning
12:15I was born in Russia
12:17at the age of 3
12:18I was mauled by a bear
12:22so
12:23naturally
12:23I skipped puberty
12:28and
12:28at
12:29four and a half
12:30being a fully formed
12:31grown adult
12:31human woman
12:33you can imagine
12:34the jealousy
12:35oh
12:42but you know
12:43despite this fact
12:44my mother at the time
12:46she insisted
12:46on tucking me into bed
12:48each and every night
12:49and telling me
12:49bedtime story
12:50now
12:51story always the same
12:52every night
12:53she would get very close
12:54to my face
12:55like too close
12:56and
12:57with a sort of
12:58twisted maniacal grimace
13:00she would tell me
13:01Katinka
13:03the moment you were born
13:05it's a moment
13:06from which
13:06I will never
13:07ever
13:08physically
13:09emotionally
13:10or spiritually
13:11recover
13:14it was as if
13:15the devil himself
13:16rose up from hell
13:19wrenched apart
13:20my legs
13:20and transformed my pelvis
13:22into a food processor
13:26churning my energy
13:27into this hellish
13:28stool of blood
13:29and gristle
13:30from which a bulbous
13:31head appeared
13:34the gaping maw
13:35somehow backlit
13:37was
13:38emitting a screech
13:40and a scream
13:40so piercing
13:41so horrible
13:42I knew at this moment
13:43I had to contend with the fact
13:44that this was to be
13:45the soundtrack to the horror film
13:46my life had become
13:51you know
13:52they say that hindsight's
13:5350-50
13:56I don't believe this woman
13:57liked me very much
14:00now my father
14:02he was very typical Russian man
14:03very typical
14:04proud
14:05drunk
14:05and dead by 50
14:08but
14:08at the very least
14:09I am consoled
14:10by the fact that he died
14:11doing what he loved
14:13drowning
14:35it's important to have a passion
14:40so
14:40not shortly after this
14:42I got to live with my grandmother
14:43she was a blind
14:44crippled
14:44amnesiac woman
14:45I believe you call her
14:46quirky
14:50and she was very helpful
14:51in her no-nonsense approach
14:53towards life
14:53she would tell me
14:54Katinka listen
14:55the world
14:55horrible place
14:57people rotten to the core
14:59they will lie
14:59cheat and steal from you
15:00at every turn
15:01so please
15:02if for nothing else
15:02than a few welcome moments
15:04of distraction
15:05try your best
15:06not to be ugly
15:09she was also very helpful
15:10in elucidating
15:12quite concisely
15:13the difference between
15:14the Russian psyche
15:15and the rest of the world
15:17as she was dying
15:18wheezing her last
15:20fetid breasts
15:21into the atmosphere
15:22she turned to me
15:23very dramatically
15:24and said
15:26in Russia
15:28no one expects
15:29to be happy
15:41she also died standing up
15:43which was very impressive
15:46very impressive
15:47very impressive
15:47so
15:49you know
15:49I hate to admit it
15:50but yes I am cliche
15:51in the sense that
15:52I go to America
15:53I'm seeking fame
15:55yeah
15:55fortune
15:56okay
15:57but
15:59just between us girls
16:00what I'm really looking for
16:03really searching for
16:04is
16:05exhilarating bouts
16:06of fully penetrative
16:07sexual congress
16:15you like sex?
16:17yes
16:18it's very good
16:19but
16:21I quickly
16:22understand that
16:24at least as far as
16:25American men are concerned
16:26my approach towards
16:28romantic overture
16:29is
16:31disarmingly direct
16:32I have a technique
16:33I have a technique
16:34I waltz into the bar
16:38tap tap tap
16:39ah ah ah ah
16:43excuse me sir
16:45would you care to do sex
16:46to my genital tonight?
16:55I average about a 45% success rate
16:57with this technique
16:59other times
17:00though ladies
17:00I'm sure you can understand
17:01women are busy people
17:03I don't have time for this song and dance
17:05so I simply
17:05whack them on the back of the head
17:06and go
17:07ah ah ah
17:10ah ah
17:11100% success rate with this one
17:13every single time
17:22and just as a quick note
17:24I ah
17:25I encountered this very mysterious
17:27Chinese refugee
17:28in the bathroom of JFK airport once
17:30and she said that
17:32if you um
17:33sort of hunch over
17:34like you're about to throw up
17:35and make your tongue
17:36like a loaf of bread
17:37it's very sexy
17:38watch this
17:47something to do with the parasympathetic nervous system
17:50but I'm not a scientist
17:51so I don't know
17:53ah
17:54like I said
17:55even in a boudoir
17:56I am not without struggle
17:59ah
18:00you have to understand that
18:02even for someone as effortlessly seductive
18:05and beautiful as me
18:06I'm not your average girl
18:08I'm not your typical woman
18:10you see
18:10my vagina
18:12that's Russian for asshole
18:14um
18:24it's a little bit further back
18:26um
18:28slightly shittier model
18:30um
18:33and
18:33and
18:34it requires a level of care and attention
18:36that is reserved mostly for
18:38Serbian men dying of prostate cancer
18:42it's touch and go
18:48and
18:50I dream big
18:51and I embody
18:52an expensiveness
18:54which
18:54most single men
18:55cannot accommodate
18:56for example
18:57like I told my last boyfriend
18:58he was a Belgian painter
18:59with no hands
19:03the sex
19:04the sex was bizarre
19:07I broke up with one afternoon
19:09and I said
19:10listen honey
19:10your penis
19:11yes
19:12it's like a prince in a fairy tale
19:13but
19:13my vagina
19:14is a Ken Burns miniseries
19:31excuse me
19:31some more coffee please
19:33oh
19:34too easy
19:43girl what is going on with you?
19:45nothing
19:45I'm
19:47I'm not hungry
19:48then why did you ask me out to lunch?
19:50I mean I could be out with any of my other friends pretending I like them
19:52I just really wanted to come here
19:54to Hamburger Mary's
19:55this
19:56Hamburger Mary's
19:58okay
19:59why this Hamburger Mary's?
20:02it's kind of embarrassing
20:04are you banging the busboy?
20:05you know he doesn't have a bus
20:06he tells everybody that
20:09no
20:11I had a dream about this place
20:13oh god
20:14I know I know I know
20:15aren't you the one who's always saying
20:17oh
20:17I'd rather plow my face into a shovel than listen to people talk about their dreams
20:21yes
20:23but
20:23I had the same dream
20:25twice
20:26had you lost dragons?
20:28yeah but
20:29okay
20:30this is different
20:31I've had this dream before
20:32and there's something about it
20:33it seems
20:34real
20:36okay con
20:37tell me about your stupid wet dream
20:38it's the second one I've had
20:40and they're both exactly the same
20:43except
20:44you're over there
20:57and I can sort of sense that there's something outside by the dumpster
21:05Trixie it's terrible
21:06it's just awful
21:08oh your career
21:10yes no
21:11well that yeah that's fair
21:13you're
21:14in both dreams
21:15and you're scared
21:17and once I get it that you're scared
21:18I become terrified
21:20because you feel it too
21:22so that's how I think it's real
21:23and then
21:26then
21:28I realize what it is
21:31Katya I don't feel that way about you
21:33okay we can do like some hand stuff
21:34but that's as far as I'm gonna go
21:36why wouldn't
21:36just a blowjob maybe a blowjob
21:37no okay fine that's okay
21:39so but in the dream
21:41there's a woman
21:42I can see her face she's
21:43rotted
21:44and she has these gold hoop earrings on
21:47Morgan McMichaels
21:48yes no maybe I don't know
21:50I just hope
21:53I hope I never have to see that face ever again
21:55wait
21:56didn't you jerk off a homeless guy
21:57behind that dumpster
21:59twice
22:01and he wasn't homeless
22:02he was just in between living situations
22:03which is totally understandable
22:04but that's beside the point
22:05like
22:07I know something's out there
22:09and I can't describe what it is
22:12I know it's insane
22:13but I had to come here
22:15to see if
22:16to see if he'll move in with you
22:19no
22:19I just need this feeling to go away
22:25okay
22:26Sylvia Hashbrown
22:27I'm gonna go pay for this
22:28and then you and I
22:29are gonna go
22:31jerk off your dream hobo
22:32okay
22:47okay
22:47okay
22:48alright
22:50you have a huge vagina
22:52you can do this
23:17okay
23:19how old are you?
23:19how old are you?
23:31how old are you?
23:42I don't know.
24:20You are heavier than I thought.
24:24Okay, I'm bored.
24:30Has anyone seen my dead dog?
24:36A little maiden
24:40Tucked her uncle's glove
24:44Why are you single?
24:49Where is your love?
24:52I have a sweetheart
24:57I'll tell it all
25:00I believe her playing less
25:05After the ball
25:10After the ball is over
25:14After the break of dawn
25:17After the dancers leaving
25:22After the stars are gone
25:26Many a part is aching
25:30If you could read them all
25:35Many the hopes that have vanished
25:40After the ball
25:48When I'm at the heart
25:53I'll tell it all回找
25:57to someone I'll
25:57tell it all May I'll
26:00tell you Why are you
26:22Fucking A boss, and how are we feeling tonight?
26:31What's up guys, my name is Trish Thompson, I'm a hairdresser.
26:35I cut hair out of my mom's garages, whatever.
26:38And, uh, what an honor.
26:41What a fucking pleasure.
26:48What a privilege it is to be standing here, a woman of grace and dignity in her home fucking town.
26:58Celebrating as I am, 14 days clean and sober by the grace of God.
27:02Still, still smoking a little bit of pot.
27:08Still smoking a little bit of pot, and just in the spirit of honesty.
27:12I made a ticket and a half dozen antihistamines before the show.
27:17Washed them down with a full bottle of Robitussin, but listen, it's my journey.
27:22It's my miracle.
27:27And I'm very happy, very happy to be here.
27:31Now, uh, before we get into it, I, uh, got a little bit of programming note.
27:35Uh, I'm not exactly technically allowed to be outside the house at the current time.
27:41However, however, should my PO wiggle through that back door, I feel like, I feel like I got a solution.
27:46Hang on, let's see if this works.
28:04Where'd she go?
28:06Nobody knows.
28:09Oh, shit.
28:11Not pregnant, by the way, just eating real good these days.
28:14Oh, Boston, it's such a, you know, this place is in my heart.
28:22My heart has here, honey.
28:23You just hold on there for things.
28:25Um, you know, the only town where an out-of-town visitor will pretty much be guaranteed three things.
28:33Number one, you're going to get spat on.
28:37Number two, you're going to get called a racial slur, but the wrong one.
28:44And at the end of the night, no matter what day of the week it is, you're going to find
28:48yourself in the curious position of being convinced to help somebody light their car on fire.
28:56Boston, it is wonderful.
28:58Now, anybody here from the suburbs, we got Peabody.
29:00Anybody here from Peabody?
29:02Peabody, Swampscut, Revere, Saugus, Ernie Bach Jr. right on Route 1 and Saugus on the automobile.
29:15Ernie Bach Jr.
29:20Catch yourself a nice fucking Toyota, Ernie Bach Jr.
29:31Patriots won the Super Bowl.
29:37I don't know nothing about football, but I'm very excited.
29:40Very excited.
29:40Despite visibly struggling with some fibromyalgia, chronic pain, I got a crick neck, I got a bum leg, I got
29:48some patchy psoriasis on my right thigh, but through it all, I'm here.
29:53I'm delighted to share this moment with you.
29:55Now, I've got to be honest again with you, though.
29:59I know it's a comedy show, but I feel compelled to share that I'm feeling a little bit of fear.
30:06I got a little anxiety because, oh, I love you too, hon.
30:10And listen.
30:14I know you, Marie, you've lost a lot of weight, hon, and you look fantastic.
30:23I know, and honey, girl, I know the struggles with that keto diet is working wonders for you.
30:30And don't listen to Denise.
30:32She's just jealous.
30:33She's a fucking bitch.
30:34You know, don't let her get you down.
30:36But honey, go with God.
30:37You are doing great.
30:41Anyways, like I was saying, I'm filled with fear.
30:45And I'm rapidly approaching a point in my life where I'm having to kind of reconcile the fact that, yeah,
30:50I'm getting older.
30:51And some of my feminine wiles are no longer at my disposal.
30:56You know, back in the day, I could charm the pants off any priest.
31:02I know, in this archdiocese, that's not really that impressive.
31:15But it is if you've got a pussy, so.
31:22Patrice won the Super Bowl!
31:27But, you know, I quickly realized that menopause is not exactly what it's cracked up to be.
31:32And I'm just, I'm worried that my powers of seduction are really losing their luster every day.
31:40And so I wondered, and I was curious.
31:41I'm just, I don't know.
31:43I hope it's not too much of an imposition.
31:44But I thought I might ask if there might be a gentleman here tonight who wouldn't mind, in a manner
31:51of speaking, coming up here to take a little walk on the wild side.
32:05Um, you're here in front.
32:07No, just sit down.
32:09What's your name, hon?
32:11What?
32:12Baze?
32:13Is that foreign?
32:17That's your mother?
32:18What the fuck were you on when you named him, hon?
32:20No, don't worry.
32:21It's okay.
32:21It's okay.
32:22It's okay.
32:23God.
32:24White people.
32:28If you don't mind, I'm going to call you Brandon.
32:30Is that all right?
32:31So, Brandon, what I need you to do is very calmly and gingerly just stand up and wiggle right over
32:38these stairs, okay?
32:39Because I want you to come on stage, all right?
32:40Yeah.
32:48Oh, God.
32:49Touch of the sciatica, too.
32:51Hey, Brandon, how are you?
32:52Give it up for Brandon, everybody.
32:59All right.
32:59Now, just hold there for one second.
33:01I want you to just plant your butt right in this chair.
33:08What a nice, handsome man he is, huh?
33:14So, Brandon, I want you to just completely relax.
33:18No pressure.
33:18I'm not going to make you do no song and dance or nothing, embarrass yourself in front of your mother.
33:22But what I would like you to do is close your eyes.
33:25That's right.
33:26Sit back.
33:28And drop into a state of relaxation so total that you forget where you are and where you're from.
33:35Take a deep breath in.
33:40Good.
33:41Now, if we can employ your powers of visualization for just a moment, imagine that you're on a sunlit beach.
33:49You've got a timeshare down in the Turks and Caicos.
33:54Now, you know it's a scam, but you're a young, hopeful man who just got nothing for the best in
33:59your future.
33:59Now, you're just lounging on the sand, wearing a nice Speedo, and your pubic ears peeking out through the sides.
34:05But nobody's there to judge you.
34:08Nobody's there to harass you.
34:09You're just living your truth.
34:11Your big gay truth right on the shore.
34:16The sun blazing in the background.
34:18The waves lapping at your little piggies, and you are just totally calm, totally relaxed, totally at peace.
34:27Until you happen to notice out of the corner of your eye a strange, shadowy figure.
34:37Could be a woman.
34:41It's hard to tell.
34:44But what is certainly clear is that this figure, this entity, this being is grooving.
34:51She is grooving.
35:00And as she slowly but methodically makes her way towards you, you begin to take stock of your life.
35:12Like I said, you're a young man with a bright future.
35:15You did great in college.
35:17But as this entity, as this being approaches, you can't help but conjure up images from that movie The Exorcist.
35:30Or the ring.
35:32Or adventures in babysitting.
35:34Point is, your mind is going a mile a minute as this being, this woman, this thing is undulating, gyrating,
35:42inching closer towards you with each breath.
35:44As you prepare for what seems like could be an overture romantic interest or a sexually predatory attack.
35:53But either way, either way, you brace yourself as a strange, pungent, acrid aroma wafts from her genitalia.
36:02And you did great on the SATs, but that's not going to help you here, hon.
36:12And you bite down hard and just grip your thighs as she prepares to make her mount.
36:38Oh, and Brandon, just in a flash, she's gone.
36:45Evaporated into thin air, you are left feeling with this sense of loneliness, of longing.
36:50She's graciously concealing the semi-chub that has popped up in your shorts right now.
36:57You are rocketed back to a reality so distant, so disturbing, you are left to wonder,
37:01how was it that in just a few brief, short moments, I was able to fall so completely in love
37:05with this humpbacked woman?
37:09How did I allow herself to display her genitals so clearly, so close to my face,
37:13and allow her to sweat all over me?
37:14How did I let her get away?
37:15And more importantly, how did she manage to get away with my wallet?
37:24My wallet.
37:39Now, I'm happy to report that, you know, initially, the whole point of this exercise was to see if I
37:46still got it, in a sense.
37:47But, I'm less concerned with how you're feeling right now, because to be perfectly honest, Brandon,
37:54I think I'm a little wet downstairs.
37:59And, you know, as long as my engine is still capable of revving up, I don't really care what's going
38:04on with you.
38:05But, I do want to thank you for being the catalyst, because I, oh, you know what?
38:11But, it's actually, it's a little bit of pee.
38:13Never mind.
38:14But, in any case, in any case, I would like to let you know that it has been sworn to
38:22me by several physicians, medical doctors,
38:24that the herpes simplex virus is not communicable through Trump-Lloyd denim.
38:31So, for tonight, hon, you're in the clear.
38:34Nothing to worry about.
38:34But, I would like to thank you for coming up here.
38:36Give it up for Brandon, everybody.
38:45One sec.
38:50Thank you so much, bud.
38:51Thank you so much.
38:58What a crowd.
38:59What a night.
39:00Ladies and gentlemen, I am so super-jazzed to be here.
39:02Now, it's funny.
39:03The human body is, what a man.
39:07Mystery.
39:08The human body.
39:09I remember back in 97, I got my period every single day.
39:16For, like, eight or nine months.
39:18And, I think it was at a Christmas party that I realized...
39:43That robe assistant's kicking in.
39:56Oh, shit.
39:58Well, what was I saying?
40:00Oh, yeah, listen.
40:01Eight or nine months, straight in a row, every single day.
40:03And then, during the holidays, I'm at a fucking Christmas party down in Lowell.
40:11And, I realized, it's just a wound.
40:15And, I realized, it's just a wound.
40:21From a fucking samurai saw it.
40:26I can be such a ditzy blonde.
40:28Hello.
40:29Hello.
40:40Now, if we're examining the broad tapestry of human emotion and the experience of being
40:47in a person, I got to tell you, my favorite thing in the world is this sort of soul-crunching,
40:55abject sense of humiliation.
40:58Shame.
41:15Deep into the darkness, peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams
41:26no mortal ever dreamed before.
41:31Distinctly, I remember it was in the bleak December, and each separate dying amber wrought
41:40its ghost upon the floor.
41:43And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain thrilled me, filled me with fantastic
41:53terrors ever felt before.
41:57But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
42:03And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, Lenore.
42:10In the west, the falling light still glows, and the clustered house stops glitter in the
42:15sun.
42:16But here, death is already chalking the doors with crosses and calling the ravens.
42:20And the ravens are flying in.
42:25Hi, guys!
42:32Wow!
42:36First of all, thank you for being, like, the best crowd ever.
42:39This is so wonderful.
42:43And yes, did you stone now its tights?
42:46I did, certainly did stone these tights, yeah.
42:50It's great to be back in what was my hometown for 35 fucking years.
42:55Well, Boston for about a good 15, and then Marlboro, just like the cigarettes for a terrible, horrible,
43:09nondescript suburb right in central Massachusetts.
43:12Anybody here from Marlboro?
43:16Yeah!
43:18Ha!
43:20Eli Manning!
43:28Um, I'm from the television, um, but, uh, for many of you, I'm just from literally right
43:36down the street.
43:37I used to live right above Jacques Cabaret.
43:40Yeah.
43:43Yeah.
43:44And for so many years, um, we did a show, uh, yeah.
43:52Um, for so many years, I did a wonderful show about Perestroika that, um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:59And it was a much simpler time in my life where I was a part-time hooker, and, um, I
44:04do
44:04not wish to stand here before you, Bob, I won't do it, and glamorize the life of prostitution,
44:10but I have to confess that, yes, it was the best job I ever had.
44:19I made my own hours, I was my own boss, I had a, I had a schedule on a whiteboard
44:24in
44:24my bathroom, and it was, um, the most interesting job from a sociological point of view, from
44:30a financial perspective, not so much, and here's why, because I was so bad at receiving
44:36money, um, from the Johns.
44:39There was one time in particular that I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit, so why not
44:43do it on the special?
44:50I, um, and you know, I, uh, I recently became an uncle, so I know that one day in the
44:54future,
44:54my lovely little nephew will grow up to be a man, and will watch this and feel horrified
45:00by it.
45:02Um, there was this old man, who about, maybe 65, 66 years old, who I brought up to my apartment,
45:10um, to engage in a little bit of, um, sexual transaction, and long...
45:28Okay!
45:29Okay!
45:30Okay!
45:33Okay!
45:36Okay!
45:37Okay!
45:38Okay!
45:39You know, that is the marvel of verbal communication, in that one word, two sentences,
45:45syllables, I felt seen, I felt heard, and there was this, I mean, there was this palpable
45:55sense of empathy, just kind of, namaste to you, thank you so much.
46:06But, so one night, one, one lonely night, I, long story short, I licked this grandpa's
46:11ass, and, and when it came time to collect payment, which of course, girls, you gotta
46:18do it up front, I neglected to do this, and so when I, um, humbly requested to be paid,
46:22he proceeded to offer me 40 sweat-stained, lipstick-imprinted, single-dollar bills, that I thought was a little
46:32bit curious, because I had just done a show earlier that night, and made about $45, but
46:36I thought, you know what, grandpas are honest people, and, um, so I accepted the money, and
46:42then I said, well, here, well, the thing is, you know, uh, there's actually, you're $60 short,
46:47and he's like, oh, well, um, I'll just run over to the ATM, and I'll be right back, and
46:51I was like, okay, grandpa, I'll wait right here.
46:58And for about an hour and 45 minutes, I went through the full range of human emotion, um,
47:06starting at, um, frustration, shame, fear, and, uh, just circling round and round and round,
47:15and I believe it was that moment where I became grizzled, ornery, and surly, um, that, that
47:23grandpa is lucky he didn't come back, because I would have tore him a new fucking asshole.
47:32And probably would have licked that one, too.
47:36But thank God, thank God, through the, the marvels of television, I was able to transcend
47:41this horrible fate, and become a reality TV superstar.
47:45Oh!
47:48Oh, thank God.
47:51But, before that happened, I enrolled in college.
47:56Um, at first, I went to Boston University.
48:00Everybody from Boston University?
48:01Come on.
48:03I decided to study the lucrative and practical, um, major, known as French literature.
48:11But then I decided, I, I don't want to just work for the man, so, I transferred to art
48:17school, and enrolled in, yeah, decided to settle on something that was a little, even
48:22more lucrative, uh, more practical, performance art.
48:28So, I enrolled in the Massachusetts College of Art and Design.
48:32Oh!
48:36And, my first day of school was wild.
48:39Well, actually, first day of school was 9-11, so that was ominous.
48:44Yeah, that was ominous.
48:45But, second day of school, let me tell ya.
48:49So, but it's true.
48:53I didn't do it.
48:58Bush did.
49:03Um, so, I, the first day of art school, so, we had, um, a low-tech performance group,
49:10which in my major meant, like, if you wanted to do some kind of performance that did not
49:14involve a lot of technology, like sing a song or do a dramatic reading, something like that.
49:18So, we all gathered in a beautiful courtyard on campus, and we all sat down on a bench
49:22as the first girl to do her presentation stood up and walked very calmly right to the center
49:28of the courtyard, turned around, looked at us all, and then proceeded to take off every
49:33single article of clothing she had on.
49:37Once completely stripped naked, she closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, opened her
49:44eyes, looked at us all in the face, and then proceeded to scream bloody murder at the top
49:51of her lungs.
49:52And I'm not talking like, I mean, it was as if every serial killer in the history of
49:57the world was butchering her in the sense that she was screaming, her face was beet red,
50:03the veins bulging in her forehead, people all around the building are like, what the fuck
50:07is going on?
50:09As we, her classmates, are just staring passively.
50:13One, okay, okay.
50:14And then, after two to three minutes of continuous blood-curdling shrieking, it happened.
50:22She started pissing.
50:26And listen, I love water sports, so I'm not like, this was not a tinkle, this was not
50:35a trickle.
50:35This was some fucking demonic Mr. Ed fire hose, thick fucking piss stream, like, creating
50:43at least a six-inch divot into the fucking courtyard grass.
50:48She was pissing and pissing.
50:50I mean, she could have, if you had held her horizontally, you could have used her as a
50:54battering ram to get into a...
50:57And then, finally, it stopped.
51:01She closed her eyes and composed herself.
51:04And then, gathered her clothes, put them back on, and just walked back over for a very
51:08reasonable critique.
51:11And, but the kicker was, I mean, it was so strange, we actually had a very, like, thoughtful
51:16discussion about what we had just witnessed, it was the first day of school, and the strange
51:22thing was, though, about the third or fourth student who was offering commentary, she interrupted
51:28and said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, did I pee?
51:43Mary, there's a crater in the courtyard that you just did with your, I fucking pee, that's
51:51when I knew I had made the right decision to go to art school.
51:54Oh, true story.
52:01Now, you know, I wish it was all fun and games.
52:03After leaving art school, I sort of carried on in the long tradition of artistic life.
52:09I became a drug addict, but after some protracted years of turbulence, I finally, I finally achieved
52:18my dream.
52:18Now, I had been applying to RuPaul's Drag Race for years, and they have a very rigorous
52:24and involved application process where you have to submit so many materials, it's so
52:29arduous, and I think for that reason, it's, you know, they weed out a lot of people who
52:32aren't that serious, but finally, after I think five or six times, I got the call, and I was
52:40just about to give up.
52:41I had actually already enacted plan B, which was to become a therapist.
53:02I, right.
53:04Okay.
53:07Now, I am, I'm so grateful that I was able to, you know, that both I and many, many mentally
53:14ill people in New England were able to dodge a bullet that day, but I finally got the call,
53:19and I got on RuPaul's Drag Race, but when I was moving to Los Angeles recently, I came
53:23across all this old crap, and in a box was old videotapes, and some of these videotapes
53:30were the clips from the very first audition video I submitted for RuPaul's Drag Race,
53:34and I want to show you a clip.
53:36Is that okay?
53:44Now, you have to realize, this was, this was before YouTube, there was no, there was no
53:50easy way to figure out how to do makeup.
53:51It was very spackle over sandpaper kind of trial and error.
53:56So, the makeup application techniques are a bit primitive.
53:58However, I do believe that the charisma, the uniqueness, the so on and so forth are present,
54:03so, please take a look at my very first audition videotape.
55:15Wait, that's the wrong clip.
55:16Oh, shit.
55:20I am so sorry.
55:24I tried out for the Boy Scouts of America.
55:30So, we're almost at the end of the show, but it is clearly stipulated in my contract that since it
55:36is a comedy show, I have to tell a joke.
55:40So, I'm going to take this very seriously.
55:42I have a joke.
55:43I have one good joke, and I'd love to tell it's you tonight.
55:46I've been practicing for about three and a half years, and I'm going to watch a lot of YouTube clips
55:51about how to do stand-up, and I'm going to do a little stand-up comedy right from over here.
55:56I'm just going to enter from this place to a stand-up comedy, watching a lot of YouTube clips, knowing
56:00exactly what I'm doing.
56:01Okay, Boston!
56:07Wow!
56:09Hey!
56:09Whoa!
56:10Hey, what is the deal with it?
56:11Can you help me figure out?
56:12I have no idea.
56:13Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies!
56:14Ladies!
56:18Here's the thing.
56:25Let me tell my joke.
56:30If I don't tell my joke, they won't let me off the stage and give me my money.
56:43Here's my joke.
56:56Okay.
57:04What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover?
57:10That rotten asshole split on me again.
57:14Boston, thank you so much.
57:16I love you.
57:17I love you.
57:18I love you.
57:18I love you.
57:19I love you.
57:19I love you.
57:19I love you.
57:19I love you.
57:20I love you.
57:20I love you.
57:20I love you.
57:21I love you.
57:21I love you.
57:22I love you.
57:22I love you.
57:23I love you.
57:25I love you.
57:28I love you.
57:35Thank you so much!
58:06ZALOŽ MINI APRYKARŠEKU
58:08ZAMIERTE HOLE GLAS
58:11ZATOŽTO MIR SHE STUK I GROB
58:14ZATOŽTO MIR SHE STUK I GROB
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