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Transcript

00:00:01there's almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone you're about to

00:00:08learn how to deepen your relationships with the people that you care about most how to build

00:00:13community when you feel like you don't really have any how to meet your neighbors how to throw

00:00:18great parties and have more fun in real life today you and i are here with the best-selling author

00:00:24of the art of gathering priya parker how do you move people past small talk to ask a magical

00:00:29question give me your top five magical questions oh okay what is something you own that you're

00:00:36pretty sure no one else in this group owns oh that's a good one what is your favorite way to

00:00:43eat a potato oh i know immediately what is it human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace

00:00:51as it is by unhealthy conflicts unhealthy peace oh i just thought of like five marriages i know of

00:00:58unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch something you care about because you're afraid

00:01:04of loss and you're afraid of what might happen what is the first step to do if you're recognizing that

00:01:13unhealthy peace is in your life so first

00:01:18when you're going out on adventure when you're in a city or you're in a new place

00:01:22you actually have a third element to interact with you know talk is actually sometimes not

00:01:27good for connection oh hold on

00:01:31hey it's mel and before we get into this episode my team was showing me

00:01:3757 percent of you who watch the mel robbins podcast here on youtube are not subscribed yet

00:01:43could you do me a quick favor just hit subscribe so that you don't miss any of the episodes that

00:01:48we

00:01:48post here on youtube it lets me know you're enjoying the guests and the content that we're

00:01:52bringing you because i want to make sure you don't miss a thing and i'm so glad you're here for

00:01:57this

00:01:57episode because this is a really good one all right let's dive in priya parker welcome to the mel

00:02:02robbins podcast thank you so much for having me i'm really excited because i feel like i want to have

00:02:07more fun and see people more fun is good for our families fun is good for our health fun is

00:02:13not only

00:02:14fun it's actually crucial to our relationships and to our communal life amazing well we all want

00:02:22to have it but for some reason it seems kind of hard to be making fun and gathering and connecting

00:02:27with people and so i want to read to you from your best-selling book the art of gathering how

00:02:34we meet

00:02:34and why it matters this is from the introduction we spend our lives gathering first in our families

00:02:41then in neighborhoods and play groups schools and churches and then in meetings weddings town halls

00:02:46conferences birthday parties product launches board meetings class family reunions dinner parties trade

00:02:52fairs and funerals and we spend much of that time in uninspiring underwhelming moments that fail to

00:03:00capture us change us in any way or connect us to one another any number of studies support a notion

00:03:07that's obvious to many of us much of the time we spend in gatherings with other people disappoint us

00:03:16for the person who is nodding their head you've had that experience of being in a room full of people

00:03:22and you feel alone you force yourself to go out because you know it's good for you to get out

00:03:28of

00:03:28the house and you spend money eating at a restaurant you don't want to be at you have boring conversation

00:03:33with people that are slightly annoying that you don't connect with and then you get home and you're

00:03:37like why did i even do that why do i even try why do i even try i just spent

00:03:41seventy three dollars

00:03:42i put pants on yes i put pants on i put my makeup on yes why do i even try

00:03:47yes it's it you know there's

00:03:49almost nothing lonelier than being with other people and feeling alone and so part of the opportunity

00:03:57we have is so much of modern life and our thinking about hosting or gathering has always focused on

00:04:05the logistics right how the whether it's the food whether it's the infrastructure whether it's the

00:04:11table where there's the venue and all of those things matter but we're basically told that you

00:04:16leave the rest to chance right you hope for the best when it comes to people and i'm a convict

00:04:20resolution facilitator how do you help people connect without having to be the same and so much of what my

00:04:26peers and i are taught as facilitators isn't taught in modern culture and so we are taught we're

00:04:31trained it's a whole profession of how do you help people get off their scripts how do you create a

00:04:36dinner where people actually instead of saying what they always say pause for a second and think and

00:04:42then and then something new happens but so often because we assume we're just supposed to leave

00:04:46people to themselves or it's awkward to impose or who am i to try to steer the conversation we are

00:04:52leaving people less well off than if they had just stayed at home and i take it this also applies

00:04:59to family since even though y'all share dna potentially absolutely that you don't have the

00:05:07same belief system and that you are very different and maybe this is a dumb question but

00:05:12what do you mean when you say gathering because when you say the word gathering i thought you meant

00:05:16throwing a party so i define a gathering as anytime three or more people come together with a beginning

00:05:23middle and end for a reason and so much of what i'm trying to work on as a facilitator is

00:05:28our country

00:05:29our culture is awash in self-help and self-help is important those tools have deeply helped me i am

00:05:36in

00:05:36therapy i have deeply benefited from many individual tools but when the lens is basically how do i just

00:05:42improve myself how do i count my steps how do i take my sugar intake all those things are important

00:05:48but we actually also need group help how do we actually help the groups of our life and so many

00:05:55of our problems are shared problems they're not going to be solved by just the individual they have

00:06:00to be solved by the group and so it's an invitation to start getting interested in the group help

00:06:05business too oh i love that the group help business i think we all can agree we need some helps

00:06:11with the groups whether it's our group of friends or uh the group that is the family or the group

00:06:17that

00:06:17is the in-laws or the group that is your neighbors or the group that is your colleagues at work

00:06:22and

00:06:23that's what you're going to teach us today absolutely how to have better connections in the groups we're in

00:06:29and how to create new groups of people and how to show up in groups and how to diagnose when

00:06:36something

00:06:36is off how do you have the tools and the confidence to to do something whether it's a high school

00:06:41or

00:06:42college reunion right so many people get onto an airplane to go to this reunion sometimes across

00:06:47countries and then you go and like nothing much happens and it's it's almost it like breaks your

00:06:52heart it's like this everyone's here if you could just if we just put a little bit of structure in

00:06:56it

00:06:56if we just thought of it in a different way you can move this entire night from everyone feeling sort

00:07:01of you know isolated and repeating high school all over again to imagine having the best conversations

00:07:06of your life with the people that you grew up with 40 years ago well i also thought of another

00:07:10example

00:07:11how many times have you traveled to go see family and everybody sits inside and kind of catches up

00:07:22and then within hours a day you're kind of irritated and bored kind of like looking at our watches

00:07:29traffic's going to be building up we should probably leave a little earlier than we thought

00:07:32yeah and you've checked the box but you actually didn't get anything it's not you haven't watered

00:07:39the garden well that group needs help let me tell you we all have we all have that particular family

00:07:45members house that we're thinking about right now where you know a small part of you goes to die

00:07:52and to show up and we all kind of hope it's going to be a little bit different but i'm

00:07:56starting to

00:07:57gather no pun intended that there are specific strategies that we can be using in those situations

00:08:05and those situations are all over our lives so you say there are three ways to spice up or have

00:08:13more

00:08:14fun in any gathering of people make it more meaningful let's talk about the first way so the biggest mistake

00:08:20we make when we gather is we skip defining the purpose oh what is the purpose of this gathering

00:08:26what is the purpose of this family reunion what is the purpose even of coming together for thanksgiving

00:08:32or shabbat or whatever category you have in your head and the simplest way if you remember nothing else

00:08:41from our conversation is to first ask every single time what is the need here what what are we craving

00:08:47and so often we skip defining the purpose that we go back into these old forms that are no longer

00:08:52serving anyone i would love to have you break down purpose and i know you have a physical prop to

00:09:00show us

00:09:00and i will explain what this is she has yoga blocks and uh priya has just put up one that

00:09:07says purpose

00:09:08so the first step in in thinking about how to have a meaningful gathering is to ask what is the

00:09:16purpose why in this case that you're talking about why am i coming to this why am i visiting my

00:09:23parents

00:09:23why do i do this and it may sound kind of wild to say like why am i visiting my

00:09:27parents but hear me out

00:09:28the reasons why you might visit your parents 20 years ago might actually be a different reason than

00:09:34you're visiting them now and so 20 years ago it might have been depending on your age or stage in

00:09:39life to get some help with your kids right i'm visiting my parents so that they can bond with my

00:09:44kids and i'm willing to deal with everything else because what is important to me is making sure that

00:09:48there's a connection there and 20 years later your kids may be out of the house and you're still

00:09:54visiting your parents the need that i might have now might be different the the purpose might be

00:10:00to start asking them about their lives as i'm starting to think about their mortality i don't

00:10:07need to tell them that but there are a lot of ways to actually flip the script when you bring

00:10:13in new ways

00:10:13of being together so i'll give a simple example i was visiting my my father he lives in florida and

00:10:18i was

00:10:18taking my children and we sat down at a restaurant we don't live in the same state it's a rare

00:10:24it's a rare

00:10:26moment right we could talk about the weather we could talk about the beach we just went to

00:10:29and i knew inside of me like this is one of the few times of the year my children are

00:10:34going to be

00:10:34with my father and so we i said to them uh kids you want to ask grandpa a magical question

00:10:40and a

00:10:41magical question and and you all can use this is a question that everyone in the group would be

00:10:46interested in answering and everyone in the group would be interested in hearing each other's

00:10:51answers that part is important and my daughter looks up and her eyes are bright and sparkly and

00:10:57my and my father looks and says what's that and he and he she has i and she goes i

00:11:01have one

00:11:03what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done that was worth it

00:11:10and we all my father looking at his eyes gets bright and then she goes before the age of 12

00:11:17and we were off to the races and i share i laughed and i shared something my kids had never

00:11:23heard they

00:11:23each kind of decided what they were going to confess you know in front of me i heard stories

00:11:27from my father i'd never heard before we were laughing and it was just the diff those were two

00:11:31completely different lunches they were and so part of thinking about what is my purpose when i'm about

00:11:37to enter into a room like that and and for me it's to connect my children and my father and

00:11:44particularly to connect my father to the present version of my children and to connect my children

00:11:51to the to the complex being my father is and has been over his seven decades on this planet

00:11:59what i love about this because it's so obvious once you hear it not rocket science and deeply personal

00:12:08and profound i have this saying that i say a lot which is if you change nothing nothing changes

00:12:13and we spend a lot of time anticipating and hoping to have fun and wishing that the connection will

00:12:20happen and fingers crossed that this lunch is somehow magically going to be different yes then

00:12:25every lunch that we do three times a year that we've done for the last decade and then somehow we're

00:12:32surprised and disappointed that it is not any different yes and it comes down to the opportunity

00:12:39that you're teaching us today which is to wake up and realize that you have a lot of power here

00:12:45but if

00:12:46you change nothing nothing changes and the first thing you need to change is just take a beat and be

00:12:51like what's the purpose if i'm actually going to go what is the purpose there is some need in my

00:12:57life

00:12:57that i can fill with this gathering that's the purpose i don't need to tell anybody else i'm not

00:13:01telling my dad i just need to figure out okay what are some things that i could do so that

00:13:07i get that

00:13:07need field yes and i love that you also you know you said there are three different layers to the

00:13:13purpose ways to think about it so the first is to think about the gathering being specific okay

00:13:21meaning lies and specificity so one of the reasons often we're not sure how to gather is either feels

00:13:27too complicated or there's like too much to do you're gathering this is a real example can literally be

00:13:32a woman i know her basil plant bloomed like she literally realized she had too many basil leaves

00:13:37in her little window basil plant and she decided to invite her friends over to help her eat her basil

00:13:45she had a margarita pizza party and basil mocktails that was it right but it was specific you know you

00:13:53just gave me an idea for gathering there you go three years ago i planted these bulbs for a

00:13:59foxtail lily which grows like five feet tall and it's got this gorgeous like feathery cone of a

00:14:06flower that is goes from like orange to to light yellow they're just so extraordinary and i remember

00:14:14reading on the package that they will be basically dormant and boring for three to four years this is

00:14:22a summer when i left for this studio those suckers were coming up and they're starting to do this and

00:14:29i could yes throw a cocktail yes a viewing party viewing party for the foxtail i have three of them

00:14:37only three like these these were expensive bulbs and so and i've waited three years for these suckers

00:14:42oh by the way write this in the invitation oh it's all so the invitation becomes this opening to this

00:14:49story right i bought these three years ago there are only three they are expensive and on june 21st

00:14:57they're gonna bloom and won't you come witness this spectacle of beauty with me where you can tell

00:15:04them to wear the colors of the flower right but specificity allows us particularly in modern life

00:15:09to have meaning together what is the next piece of purpose okay the next piece of purpose is unique

00:15:14so a good purpose for a gathering is specific it's unique and part of a gathering is like how is

00:15:20this

00:15:20gathering different than all other gatherings how is me turning 37 different than me turning 56 what is

00:15:27it that uniquely i need or want in this moment of life and and and part of thinking about even

00:15:33if it's

00:15:33that same family dinner every sunday right or if it's visiting the parents or or even if it's a team

00:15:38meeting people are different from week to week the needs that you actually have might be different from

00:15:44week to week i had a friend who was turning 50 and he realized that what he wanted for his

00:15:4950th birthday

00:15:50he he thought again what is my purpose what is my need in this in this moment and he thought

00:15:54to

00:15:54himself you know he got kind of scared he's feeling sort of depressed and he realized like he doesn't

00:15:58usually get mopey around his birthday and so he started thinking about he talked about with his wife

00:16:02and he realized so many people in his life he saw once they turned 50 started taking less risks

00:16:09and he's a journalist and it really scared him and he said i don't want to be somebody who starts

00:16:13contracting after i'm 50 and so he decided to throw a birthday party and invite everybody in his life who

00:16:19represent adventure so that was a unique thing he didn't need that at 49 he didn't need that at 51

00:16:24the third part of purpose i'm moving this block over here is being disputable what do you mean

00:16:31disputable part of having a gathering that's about something is it's creating boundaries it's it's

00:16:37actually saying that for this night this is what we're actually going to be doing and also if you're

00:16:41not up for it that's okay not everyone has to come to everything not every gathering is for

00:16:46everyone and so part of modern life is we actually often over include in part because we haven't

00:16:52thought about what our purpose is and we back into it and then we think well you know we actually

00:16:56had

00:16:56a different conversation because they brought these other friends and so we weren't able to we weren't

00:17:00able to have the conversation we would normally have because that would have excluded the guests who

00:17:05were here and so often we get kind of scrambled and convoluted in our gatherings because in in trying to

00:17:11be

00:17:11you know nice and generous and the spirit of generosity we tend to actually kind of dilute our

00:17:18gatherings because we haven't thought about what is this for our our most precious thing we have is

00:17:23our time and so part of the invitation is to think more deeply ahead of time about what can you

00:17:28do with

00:17:29the people in it and are they game for it and when you start with purpose it changes everything

00:17:34okay so did you hear that more people than ever can bring in their current mobile bill for a better

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00:17:56I'm telling

00:17:57everybody about this better deal my friends my parents are in Michigan my brother who lives in

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00:18:22you've switched best network based on root metrics best overall mobile network performance U.S. second

00:18:35redeeming the deal additional terms conditions and restrictions apply okay I'm gonna put these

00:18:41blocks to the side okay let's put this to the test okay selfishly I'm gonna I'm gonna extract some

00:18:48advice for myself and hopefully as you're listening so this summer um I'm hosting a bunch of different

00:18:55people at our home in Vermont and one of the reasons why this is happening is it's our 30th wedding

00:19:01anniversary wow and instead of I know I'm surprised congratulations thank you um instead of throwing a

00:19:08party where I stopped and thought you know let's throw a big party and a dance party I love a

00:19:12dance party

00:19:13and I thought well wait a minute I'm not gonna talk to anybody so do I really want to have

00:19:19a big party

00:19:20to celebrate or do I want to celebrate in a different way and so we reached out to groups of

00:19:26friends that

00:19:27don't live near us and then invited them to come over certain weekends and we have a bunch of uh

00:19:35my

00:19:36husband's college friends coming uh because there's a bluegrass festival nearby us amazing and they'll probably

00:19:43be 20 people at our house and I said to everybody bring tents and please leave your dogs at home

00:19:47but beyond that I haven't thought about it I mean you've already thought a lot about it that's beautiful

00:19:53so you have a purpose right you have a need which is to celebrate your 30th anniversary is that is

00:19:58that would you say that's the need the need is really I just I think like everybody the years of

00:20:062020 through 2025 basically hit delete on almost all of our social lives yeah between hybrid work and

00:20:18people moving and empty nesting and job changing and just getting reclusive yeah because you're

00:20:27at home on zoom calls and it you know who wants to drive into the city to see people like

00:20:34mega everyone's tired everyone's exhausted and so I think the purpose that this is fulfilling is I

00:20:43miss seeing friends I miss these experiences I miss the things that Chris and I used to do

00:20:50when we had either little kids that we could drag everywhere you know the parties that you have with

00:20:54when you're young adults and every kid's running around in diapers and yeah you know it doesn't matter

00:20:59if you're sleeping on a couch we're all just kind of together that I want I miss that in my

00:21:03life and

00:21:04I realized it's not going to fall out of the sky yeah I need to create this it's beautiful it's

00:21:09a gift

00:21:10to them and you're also naming something I there's so much I'm a conflict resolution facilitator and

00:21:16sort of conflict resolution 101 is name it like name the thing name the grief name the loss name it

00:21:24and

00:21:24so part of what's so beautiful about you naming this thing and saying wow we haven't done this

00:21:29this 2019 is you're naming something that other people also experienced yes and so there's almost

00:21:35you can almost feel like you know your throat sort of tightening in a good way that saying yes I

00:21:40have

00:21:41that too and so when you're bringing your your people together almost the excuse of your 30th

00:21:46anniversary right like this is a big moment maybe I'll use this as an excuse to bring everyone

00:21:51together to be together in spectacle and joy and bluegrass and remembering that like we can be

00:21:57alive and we can be together that's enough it's so beautiful um here's another one because I think

00:22:03this is one we can all relate to so another thing that I could use help with is we have

00:22:10family coming

00:22:10in from out out of town and one of the patterns that I've noticed is that we tend to go

00:22:15to someone's

00:22:16house and then hang and I noticed that when we go on a trip somewhere where there are things to

00:22:28do

00:22:29yes there's less conflict definitely there is more fun definitely that somehow going to people's houses

00:22:37yes and hanging becomes a cauldron yes for all kinds of absolutely short tempers and frustrations and

00:22:47criticism and I mean think about the difference between even just your body language describing your 30th

00:22:53anniversary of people are coming and we're pitching tents and I said no dogs and we're going to bluegrass and

00:22:58then you're like versus this other thing that you're going to go when you're going to sit in this couch

00:23:02and

00:23:02you're going to sink deeper and deeper into this couch part of your groups are groups and whether

00:23:08it's family or whether it's friends people love adventure right you're actually when you're going

00:23:13out on adventure when you're in a city or you're in a new place you actually have a third element

00:23:18to

00:23:18interact with and so you know talk is actually sometimes not good for connection oh hold on talk is

00:23:26not good for connection i had a my mentor hal saunders he was a he created this process called

00:23:34sustained dialogue like literally his entire profession was about helping people talk better

00:23:39to each other and what he would always tell us baby facilitators is dialogue is not always the right

00:23:45tool sometimes people need to play a soccer game sometimes people need a dance party sometimes they need

00:23:51to go out and have an effing blast together or go antiquing or go drive and go gardening yes go

00:23:58go

00:23:59go on a walk sometimes what people actually need is to talk less because we get into these loops we

00:24:04get

00:24:04into these same patterns and often there's a whole element of talk that actually creates much more

00:24:10distance and so particularly with families particularly where with or with with with people that you spend a

00:24:17lot of time with where you sort of get stuck in a role even more important is that the time

00:24:21to have

00:24:22fun to go do something you wouldn't normally do i had a friend for thanksgiving last year who was

00:24:27bringing together in-laws for the first time multiple uncles and aunts and she organized a collective

00:24:34sound bath for the entire group like she literally created a sound bath they're not going to talk

00:24:41they're going to sit together in silence for 90 minutes that sounds amazing right and and so even

00:24:47when you think about whether it's your family what you think about is your your um your friends coming

00:24:51for your 30th anniversary party one of the best ways to lower your anxiety about hosting is to share

00:24:58the burden okay and what i mean by that is to in some way make everyone be a sub host

00:25:04or a co-host in a

00:25:05way that would delight them oh so with your friends there's just one example you don't have to do this

00:25:10if you say you have three days together sometimes i do this with with friends birthday parties

00:25:14particularly for a big one people are traveling to invite everyone to bring some kind of gift or

00:25:20offering for the group and that could be i've done this before at a 40th birthday party one person

00:25:28brought their favorite tiny little drops of a specific sunblock and their offering for the entire

00:25:34group was making sure that everyone didn't get a sunburn and someone else brought their favorite

00:25:40game from their childhood and they introduced this game for 20 minutes you know what i love about

00:25:44that is that you gave people a specific assignment they can get creative and then you don't end up

00:25:51with 14 bagels that nobody ate and tubs of potato salad that people want to jam in your fridge or

00:25:59tap

00:25:59dancing the entire time trying to entertain everyone yes someone else brought beautiful little tiny

00:26:03bars of organic chocolate and just literally the act of going around to 35 other guests at some point

00:26:11over the course of the weekend it makes people look towards each other it gives them a tiny little

00:26:17sense of like this is my gathering too and so part of thinking about spending time together is finding

00:26:22ways to help people have a shared experience without needing to be the same another very simple thing is

00:26:27fun dress codes fun dress codes meaning wear the single best thing in your closet no shopping

00:26:33oh i love the no shopping i once did this for a birthday party three people showed up in their

00:26:38wedding dresses oh that's killer i know a woman who threw a no pants party in chicago in her apartment

00:26:45it was it was july she didn't her ac wasn't working it i think it was from like a simpsons

00:26:50like episode

00:26:52people showed up in everything from bathing suits to skirts to dresses her father showed up in

00:26:57overalls and a and a and a good-natured fight broke out about whether or not overalls or pants

00:27:03like it was a total hit because there was shared context one thing i want to circle back to because

00:27:08i think it it's advice that is going to profoundly change

00:27:16change for the better gatherings with our family which is i want you to really think about the

00:27:23some people don't want to talk they need to either go on a walk or go to a museum or

00:27:30play a soccer game

00:27:32yes that oftentimes it's not that deep and my husband and i tend to be deep people that want to

00:27:39talk and i can see how when you try to engage somebody that does not like to talk that does

00:27:47not want to discuss feelings or their plans for when they die or whatever it is that my husband the

00:27:53death doula would like to really get deep in there and that it creates tension and how can you shift

00:28:02so that you can make them more comfortable and you know maybe let's keep moving nothing to see here

00:28:08yeah okay group groups are like accordions group and a group of gatherings are like accordions

00:28:13sometimes you want a lot of density in the conversation and everyone having a shared experience and

00:28:18sometimes you need to kind of loosen it out and pull it back out so if you think about a

00:28:23family

00:28:23reunion or a friend's reunion for three days you know actually some of the best gatherers i know are

00:28:28introverts some of the best gatherers i know don't recharge alone and and in my research

00:28:35so many of the gatherers that other people told me create amazing gatherings self-identified as

00:28:42introverts self-identified to often be on the outside of things and i asked one of them why do

00:28:46you think this is and she said i am so uncomfortable at so many of the gatherings that i come

00:28:50to

00:28:50that i started designing gatherings i actually want to be at so what are some of the attributes

00:28:56of a gathering that introverts like structure so i'm walking and knowing so so so the first element

00:29:06is not relying on your like personality and your tap dancing to like be the person who's connecting

00:29:12everyone and being the person who's giving all the toasts and being the person who has to basically

00:29:16be the infrastructure of everyone else it's actually thinking about the thoughtful structure ahead of time

00:29:22that will allow people to connect with each other i was once at a birthday party that had a quiet

00:29:27corner and there's two and it literally said quiet corner and there's two hammocks and all day long

00:29:32part of the thing is we all need breaks yes right and so there's sometimes they're really good at saying

00:29:36you know what and they they put two people together in the family who don't necessarily know each other

00:29:40we all go out and just get some eggs we need some eggs just shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot

00:29:44and they'll go and have a conversation in the car that they would never never otherwise have

00:29:48um introverts think at least the ones that i've that i've spent time with and that are really great

00:29:53gatherers they they really think about shared context they think they think about meaning and they also

00:30:00have the um the empathy to know that there's many ways to connect and it's not just through conversation

00:30:06that's great um you say that another thing that a really good gathering requires is good

00:30:17controversy what the heck does that mean so i mean i wish i should start by saying i am a

00:30:24conflict averse conflict resolution facilitator so i am a conflict resolution facilitator and i hate

00:30:31conflict and when my my parents are divorced and when they first separated i bet you have a lot to

00:30:38talk about with your therapist i have a lot to talk about with my husband you know what i'm saying

00:30:42like that was like a very interesting so i mean basically when my parents separated

00:30:48uh-huh everyone was shocked because they never fought oh they never fought and so i learned from

00:30:56a young age that there's great loss and avoidance and that human connection can be as threatened by

00:31:02unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflicts unhealthy peace oh i just thought of about

00:31:08five marriages i know of and friendships oh right and work relationships unhealthy peace and so part of

00:31:17like can we just talk about that for a minute yes give me some examples unhealthy peace unhealthy peace

00:31:23is being hurt by somebody and and holding on to it and choosing to not say something and then a

00:31:34story

00:31:35about them grows in our head and then eventually we're so scared to say something we leave or we ghost

00:31:42or

00:31:42we exit rather than trying to get to what i call healthy heat or healthy conflict unhealthy peace is often

00:31:50in

00:31:50teens where everybody knows that it's a terrible idea to launch this product but no one's willing to

00:31:58actually say it unhealthy peace can be in a family at a at a multi-generational family gathering and

00:32:06somebody uncle is belligerent towards another cousin maybe their own child and everyone freezes and just

00:32:14looks down under the table you can have strategic avoidance but unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch

00:32:21something you care about because you're afraid of loss and you're afraid of what might happen

00:32:30and our society oscillates within our friendships and our families we oscillate between unhealthy peace

00:32:37and unhealthy conflict we either avoid exit ghost or we burn the freaking house down and so and i know

00:32:46this because my house was burned down but through unhealthy metaphorically through unhealthy peace

00:32:51because your parents never fought and then all of a sudden my parents never fought they both came

00:32:55from conflict-averse families one is white american from iowa from the midwest one is indian totally

00:33:01different cultures but this inherited culture that conflict is dangerous i have such deep empathy for

00:33:07the people in the room who want to flee and i've learned that you can hold heat i've learned it's

00:33:14a

00:33:14learnable skill but we're not taught it so if you're listening right now and you're like oh my god

00:33:20my whole life is full of unhealthy peace there's all kinds of stuff at work i never say anything

00:33:26i am in a marriage where i feel like roommates i hold resentment toward friends that i never express

00:33:34i tolerate disrespect and other stuff from a parent what is the first step to do

00:33:44if you're recognizing that unhealthy peace is in your life so first is to know you're not alone

00:33:50this is very very very common and part of the reason so many of us myself included are like this

00:33:58is because we're taught that conflict is immoral we're taught that conflict is sin metaphorically

00:34:06we're taught that conflict is dysfunctional we're taught that conflict is for people who are all messed up

00:34:12and so the first element is to pause and to actually be curious and and and invite the idea

00:34:21that conflict is actually necessary for connection healthy communities hold healthy heat and so the

00:34:31first thing is just to just pause and if you are like me which is i was raised where if

00:34:35any of the heat

00:34:36starts to rise we all just hit like stick our head in the sand like ostriches that it is not

00:34:42only okay

00:34:43to have conflict that it is conflict is relevance conflict is we don't fight about the things we

00:34:50don't care about right and so when you're starting to get upset about something you're starting to

00:34:55something rubs you the wrong way that means that it's getting to the things that you value it's the

00:35:00things that are actually give you life and so as a conflict resolution one of the things we often

00:35:05look for is what the what the relationship with the conflict resolution facilitator called say through

00:35:11nair calls relational longing and relational longing when as facilitators in any type of fight we're not

00:35:19brought in with people who hate each other because they just leave right facilitators work with people

00:35:26who still want to belong to each other and so part of the essence of getting into any type of

00:35:32relationship friendship long-term community is finding the relational longing that still exists at

00:35:39the center of the fight and coming from there to begin to say hey i'm going to speak this dangerous

00:35:44truth i'm going to say this thing that scares me in part two because as an investment in you

00:35:50because otherwise i may just leave what would your advice be for that moment when you are the one

00:36:03keeping the peace but you're really scared to say anything or to try to shift the dynamic get curious

00:36:10about what this conflict actually is and don't assume that it's going to end the relationship conflict

00:36:17is actually quite intimate when you actually get into a conflict with someone else it's doing things

00:36:23like uh admitting that you're affected by the other person admitting that you're vulnerable to the

00:36:31other person one of the reasons conflict is so scary is because it's admitting that we affect each

00:36:35other and so the first thing to think about is you're actually your own body and before you figure out

00:36:42what you're going to say or when you're going to say it or how you're going to say it i

00:36:46have a friend

00:36:46and fellow and facilitator princess hemphill who says the most powerful body we have

00:36:52is a relaxed body and so the first thing i'll tell you as a facilitator i actually write about this

00:36:58in the art of fighting uh that's coming out this fall is i i break down what we as facilitators

00:37:04do

00:37:05to prepare for a fight we're going to hold and a huge amount before i enter a room to hold

00:37:11a fight

00:37:11i'm not even a part of is physical and the we think of fights as physical but actually the biggest

00:37:17physicality of a fight is in our own bodies and so to think first is to breathe to put i

00:37:26literally put

00:37:26both feet on the ground i think about my own purpose and intention and coming in and then i'm

00:37:31still kind of shaky and my my voice may still shake and then to say hey do you have a

00:37:37moment can we talk

00:37:37about something do you have a moment to chat i wanted to share with you something that didn't

00:37:42sit well with me and part of modern life is we actually oscillate between again saying nothing and

00:37:49suing each other so in our cultural context where we don't have a lot of healthy heat examples sometimes

00:37:55people do freak out and so if you're if you're listening and you're part of a team you can actually

00:38:01start creating healthier cultures in your team for heat uh simple example i had this manager do it is

00:38:08i said start your weekly meetings your staff meetings just for 10 minutes no more or you zip

00:38:13around and everybody does rose and thorn it's just parents in the family parent exactly so so best part

00:38:20of your week worst part of your week and i said just do that 10 weeks in a row don't

00:38:23change anything

00:38:23else just do that 10 weeks in a row and she she came back and she said you know the

00:38:27first few weeks

00:38:28some people were really into it other people weren't then three week three week four they

00:38:31started realizing like okay we're really doing this for some people what was risky was sharing

00:38:35stuff outside of work for some people it was risky was sharing stuff inside of work but by the eighth

00:38:39week the rest of the meeting began to change because they started normalizing thorns and so part of

00:38:47thinking about the cultures that you're creating in your families particularly if you're somebody with

00:38:52with some amount of social power or authority is whatever your relationship to conflict is

00:38:57it's going to be the group's relationship to conflict this message is brought to you by apple pay pay with

00:39:04your card on iphone using apple pay it's accepted at millions of places anywhere you can tap a physical

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00:39:17all know somebody who is constantly losing their wallet or maybe you're a little bit like me you're always

00:39:23forgetting to bring your wallet into the store with you well that can't happen when you choose apple pay

00:39:28i mean just the other day i was in line at the plant store i've got this huge cart full

00:39:32of geraniums and

00:39:33impatience and other perennials i'm waiting in line forever i get to the front of the line and i think

00:39:38oh my

00:39:39god i left the wallet in the car so now i'm gonna have to explain to everybody i'll be right

00:39:43back please

00:39:44hold my space and then i was wait a minute mal you can just pull up apple pay on your

00:39:48phone so that's what i did

00:39:49tap there you go problem solved i love how quick safe and easy it makes paying for things and now

00:39:55i use it all the time i don't even need my wallet just add your debit or credit card to

00:40:00the wallet app

00:40:01and when you're ready to check out double click the side button to authenticate with face id and tap

00:40:06it's that easy set up apple pay on your iphone today terms apply so i want to go back to

00:40:13the moment

00:40:14that we've all had where you are at a family gathering and you are sitting at the table

00:40:24and all of a sudden somebody who we all know who the difficult person is in the extended family

00:40:33they do their thing

00:40:37you know like whatever they sound off about poly and you are now in your unhealthy peace

00:40:43yeah and you're thinking about priya's art of gathering and the art of fighting and you're

00:40:49starting to feel the heat and you're thinking i would rather be on the planet mars than sitting

00:40:56at this dining room table right now how on earth does healthy heat or a little bit of conflict

00:41:05make the gathering better

00:41:08first of all that moment is really scary

00:41:10yes

00:41:11and

00:41:12it is

00:41:13most of us

00:41:14go back into the roles that we've always played

00:41:16you know what i do i start busting the table

00:41:18yeah

00:41:19and then i get a drink

00:41:20yeah

00:41:21which is not a way to handle healthy conflict

00:41:25so this may sound like a cop-out but it actually isn't which is these moments in time

00:41:30are actually few and far between and the best way to change them is before anyone enters the room

00:41:37oh okay i love that the best way to change the dynamic is before anyone enters the room

00:41:43okay what am i changing

00:41:44so first of all if this is something that's happening at your dinner table once a year over and over

00:41:50again

00:41:50i am first find your allies find your allies that also at every moment feel like i hate that he

00:41:57does

00:41:57that i hate that they do that but i don't know what to do in that moment it feels so

00:42:00scary this is also

00:42:01a multi-generational family ritual like who are we to come in

00:42:04you know who those people are they're the ones that are looking at you across exactly find your allies

00:42:08find your allies the second is sometimes the old structures actually no longer work

00:42:15can i give a simple example

00:42:16yeah please

00:42:17so i had a family who there was a lot of conflict and and often like about politics

00:42:21and it was just sort of over and over and over again

00:42:23i think that's all of us right now

00:42:24yeah it's just like oh my god

00:42:26it's sort of

00:42:26can't we just get along

00:42:27we all have to just like suck it in and go do this thing and no

00:42:31and and so what this family did was they there's two people in it and they're like

00:42:35okay we still want to spend time

00:42:38as a family because it goes back to the purpose

00:42:41i may not agree with everything in this large extent of family but this is also these are my people

00:42:46and what they ended up doing was they found their allies there's a few other siblings and cousins who are

00:42:52who were on board with changing just like everyone basically drinking for three hours and then sitting at a table

00:42:57and drinking more

00:42:58so they hope they decided and they created a cooking

00:43:03uh championship

00:43:05where the next year at the family reunion

00:43:07they put together teams ahead of time

00:43:10of different people including the people who are like i don't know how to cook and it's like well here's

00:43:14a spatula

00:43:15right they put together the cooks and the non cooks and every different team was responsible for a different meal

00:43:20it took more time the prep time took more time

00:43:23and then everyone was excited about what everyone was

00:43:25eating

00:43:26they focused on the food rather than what what you squeeze out

00:43:30the politics conversation by arguing about who made the best salsa

00:43:34right and so one of the things i i talk about is like fight but about other stuff

00:43:38i love that the activity

00:43:40is such a great diversion

00:43:42yes

00:43:42basically

00:43:43or you know another thing

00:43:45this is particularly to change conversation

00:43:47host a hot takes party

00:43:49where you argue about

00:43:51stuff that does not matter

00:43:54and so part right

00:43:55it's adding warmth to heat

00:43:57it's it's saying i did this with my team

00:43:59years ago we hosted a hot takes party

00:44:01it's our end of the year

00:44:02dinner

00:44:03and people come with their

00:44:04most controversial opinion

00:44:06that does not matter

00:44:08give me an example

00:44:09there should be only one type of pasta

00:44:11tuesday is the best day of the week

00:44:13winter is a winter is the best season

00:44:17and and and you have to defend it to the end

00:44:19and what happens

00:44:20and i've seen this in teams

00:44:21is people start laughing

00:44:22and it gives them permission to be like

00:44:23how could you say there's only one type of pasta

00:44:25my italian heritage is deeply offended

00:44:27but you're actually learning that you can argue

00:44:30there can be juice

00:44:30there can be warmth

00:44:31there can be banter

00:44:32and i've seen teams do this

00:44:34where you're starting to help people have warmth and humor

00:44:38and how they fight

00:44:39and realize that you can actually add juice

00:44:41you know water the ground

00:44:43and realize again there's a lot of energy here

00:44:46but fight about other stuff

00:44:47i freaking love that

00:44:49you're a genius

00:44:50you are

00:44:51and so we've talked about purpose

00:44:54we've talked about a good controversy

00:44:56you're going to have your hot takes

00:44:57what is the third thing

00:44:59that can really create meaning

00:45:02in your next gathering

00:45:03thinking about how you open

00:45:05and how you close

00:45:07okay give us some examples

00:45:08so i think about a gathering

00:45:09as the creation of a temporary alternative world

00:45:12and as a host

00:45:14you're creating that world

00:45:15it could be a mosh pit

00:45:17it could be a rave

00:45:18it could be a picnic by the river

00:45:21but these are actually different worlds

00:45:23and so part of as a host

00:45:25is to think about

00:45:26how do you actually open

00:45:27the first five percent of a gathering

00:45:29deeply matters

00:45:30so when you're hosting a gathering

00:45:32really deeply thinking about

00:45:34how do you open

00:45:34and what are you doing

00:45:36in those first few moments

00:45:37when people are arriving

00:45:38whether it's to the 30th anniversary

00:45:40whether it's to a dinner party

00:45:43because we actually are looking

00:45:46to see how do we behave

00:45:48in any of these moments

00:45:50and when a host comes and says

00:45:53hey either introduces people to each other

00:45:56or brings people around and says

00:45:58hey would you be

00:46:00would you be our wine minister for the night

00:46:02whenever you see a cup

00:46:04would you mind just filling up

00:46:06our water minister

00:46:07right those first five percent

00:46:09is when people actually realize

00:46:10oh like this is how i behave here

00:46:13give us some fast ideas

00:46:15for those first few minutes

00:46:18when they're coming into your house

00:46:20stand there

00:46:21stand there

00:46:23take a moment

00:46:24have a greeting committee

00:46:26meaning literally

00:46:27your two friends

00:46:28I had a friend

00:46:29who was having a birthday party

00:46:31years ago

00:46:31and she asked three friends

00:46:34who love doing this

00:46:36this is important

00:46:37to be the greeting committee

00:46:38I'm saying that in quotes

00:46:39right

00:46:39all that meant

00:46:40was we stood by the door

00:46:41and as people came in there

00:46:42we were like

00:46:43hi

00:46:44welcome to so-and-so's birthday party

00:46:46we've heard so much about you

00:46:48and the way people respond

00:46:50like oh my gosh

00:46:52you've heard so much about me

00:46:53how about a zoom meeting

00:46:55give us a bunch of fast ideas

00:46:58for the best way to open a zoom call at work

00:47:03without it being cheese ball

00:47:05and also like pulling people in

00:47:08like how you set that intention

00:47:10yeah

00:47:10so zoom is such a great context to learn from

00:47:14and one of the things that creates connection

00:47:16is informal activity

00:47:19and zoom is like the enemy of informal

00:47:21right we're all in these squares

00:47:23you have to mute on mute off

00:47:25you're not sure if you're supposed to talk

00:47:26right

00:47:26that you can't talk to someone else

00:47:28so you enter an in-person meeting

00:47:30you can go

00:47:31you can choose the seat you sit in

00:47:32you can be like

00:47:32hey can I get you a coffee

00:47:33right

00:47:34there's all of this informal stitching

00:47:35that actually binds a group

00:47:37yep

00:47:37and so in these virtual contexts

00:47:39that's taken from us

00:47:40and so the host needs to actually create that

00:47:42and so simple examples

00:47:43first is

00:47:44when you

00:47:45if you are hosting this zoom

00:47:46be fully on

00:47:47like once it's on

00:47:49once the time is start

00:47:50be on time

00:47:50and then be there

00:47:52it's almost like

00:47:52I mean I say this as a facilitator

00:47:54that does a lot of zooms

00:47:55it's almost like you're a live sportscaster

00:47:59right

00:47:59and so you're just like

00:48:00hey how's it going

00:48:00you know what

00:48:01I'm just gonna

00:48:02I'm gonna

00:48:02I'm gonna have a sip of this water

00:48:06and I'm curious

00:48:07what are all you

00:48:08what's your

00:48:09you're all in different time zones

00:48:10like just pop into the chat

00:48:11what's

00:48:11what are you drinking right now

00:48:13oh

00:48:13Earl Grey tea

00:48:14oh

00:48:15some

00:48:15right

00:48:15you're actually warming up the group

00:48:17but on zoom

00:48:17it's through your language

00:48:18it's not unlike a podcast host

00:48:20the second is

00:48:21to invite people

00:48:23to come on camera

00:48:24I work with a lot of leaders

00:48:25who

00:48:26and managers

00:48:26who say like

00:48:27I don't know how to get my team off camera

00:48:28on camera

00:48:29but I can't actually read their faces

00:48:31so I had a

00:48:32a leader who told me

00:48:33that one of the things he did

00:48:34was

00:48:35he told his team

00:48:36that they could be camera off

00:48:38if they sung a Neil Diamond song

00:48:40no

00:48:43and like

00:48:44I was with his team

00:48:45when they did

00:48:45and they all started laughing

00:48:46and it was like

00:48:46it was this playful

00:48:47pop-up rule

00:48:48they all know he loves Neil Diamond

00:48:50and the reason he did that

00:48:51and it worked for the team

00:48:52is because

00:48:53he wanted to know

00:48:54that they were engaged

00:48:56right

00:48:57they wanted

00:48:57the reason he wanted the camera on

00:48:59is to know

00:48:59that they're not sitting there

00:49:00doing something else

00:49:01one of the things I often do

00:49:02with my

00:49:03with my team

00:49:03and my students

00:49:04is I have them ask

00:49:05a magical question

00:49:06in the chat

00:49:08while people are waiting

00:49:09what's the best

00:49:10what's the first concert

00:49:11you ever went to

00:49:12and who took you

00:49:13and you

00:49:14and people start populating

00:49:15in the chat

00:49:15it creates a completely

00:49:17different world

00:49:18it helps you understand

00:49:19sort of who's here

00:49:20and who's not here

00:49:21so I have a friend

00:49:22who runs a tutoring company

00:49:23her name is Marcella

00:49:24and she started doing this

00:49:26she would ask a magical question

00:49:28every week

00:49:28but at some point

00:49:29it's kind of like

00:49:29the boss is asking

00:49:30a magical question again

00:49:31and so she started rotating

00:49:33who everyone

00:49:35each week

00:49:36oh

00:49:36you're assigned

00:49:37the magical question

00:49:38yes

00:49:38got it

00:49:39each week

00:49:40a different team member

00:49:41was assigned

00:49:42coming up with a magical question

00:49:43and asking it

00:49:44in the first

00:49:45three minutes of the chat

00:49:46and everyone answers it

00:49:48she's building leadership skills

00:49:50she's sharing the weight

00:49:51we actually are excited

00:49:53to hear what one another

00:49:54is going to ask

00:49:55we can learn

00:49:56from that practice

00:49:57we start understanding

00:49:58and getting to know

00:49:59each other as a group

00:49:59and part of why

00:50:00this is important

00:50:01is particularly

00:50:03in virtual teams

00:50:05when the going gets tough

00:50:06when there's some mistake

00:50:07as there will be

00:50:07in every team

00:50:08the likelihood

00:50:09that I'll pick up the phone

00:50:10and be like

00:50:11hey Mel

00:50:11I actually wanted to talk

00:50:12to you about something

00:50:13you're creating

00:50:14psychological community

00:50:16through knowing things

00:50:18about each other

00:50:18within appropriate boundaries

00:50:20within that

00:50:21that is relevant

00:50:22to the work

00:50:22but that actually

00:50:24helps people understand

00:50:25who each other are

00:50:26and has some cross-stitching

00:50:28between the group

00:50:29you say that

00:50:30the endings matter

00:50:31mm-hmm

00:50:32how do you end

00:50:34most gatherings

00:50:35don't end

00:50:36they stop

00:50:38what's the difference

00:50:39you're at a conference

00:50:42you've had this

00:50:43like beautiful

00:50:44kind of arc

00:50:45of an experience

00:50:46and then all of a sudden

00:50:48it's like

00:50:48oh

00:50:48thanks for coming

00:50:50you know

00:50:51got to run

00:50:51coats are in the back

00:50:52okay

00:50:53over out

00:50:54thanks everybody

00:50:54and actually

00:50:56as I said

00:50:57every gathering

00:50:58is a temporary

00:50:59alternative world

00:50:59and the more

00:51:00different it is

00:51:01from everyday life

00:51:02the more you also

00:51:03have a responsibility

00:51:03to close it

00:51:04I had an improv teacher

00:51:06called Dave Sawyer

00:51:07actually here in Boston

00:51:08and he would always say

00:51:09good actors

00:51:10think about how

00:51:11they enter a stage

00:51:11great actors

00:51:13also obsess about

00:51:14how they exit

00:51:15how they leave

00:51:16and so

00:51:17thinking about

00:51:18again

00:51:18very simply

00:51:19walk people out

00:51:21if somebody's coming

00:51:22to your home

00:51:22right

00:51:23walk people out

00:51:24it's so touching

00:51:25sometimes people

00:51:26walk me out of their home

00:51:27and I'm like

00:51:28thank you

00:51:29right

00:51:30this is an extra

00:51:30piece of care

00:51:31thank you for walking

00:51:32me out

00:51:32it can be

00:51:34you know

00:51:35and sometimes

00:51:35you need to get

00:51:36people out of your house

00:51:37let me walk you out

00:51:39and so issuing

00:51:40like in bars

00:51:42you know

00:51:42the last call

00:51:43they ding

00:51:44they ding

00:51:45the bum

00:51:46like last call

00:51:47last drink

00:51:47it's a way

00:51:48to actually

00:51:48prime people

00:51:49to start

00:51:49leaving

00:51:50and so

00:51:51thinking about

00:51:51what your

00:51:51last call is

00:51:54my husband

00:51:55and I argue

00:51:55a lot about this

00:51:56and he comes

00:51:56from my house

00:51:56and it's like

00:51:57you would never

00:51:58signal to your guests

00:51:59that they should leave

00:52:01and I come from

00:52:01a family culture

00:52:02where you would

00:52:03never as a guest

00:52:04leave

00:52:04until your host

00:52:05releases you

00:52:06that's right

00:52:07so you have this

00:52:08like chicken game

00:52:09where everyone's like

00:52:09do we leave now

00:52:10is it over

00:52:11how do we close

00:52:11and so finding

00:52:13simple ways

00:52:13to allow people

00:52:14to exit

00:52:16when

00:52:17one way is

00:52:18if you're having

00:52:18people for dinner

00:52:19and you're not

00:52:20really sure

00:52:20if it's time

00:52:21to leave

00:52:22you can say

00:52:23well you know

00:52:23thank you all

00:52:24so much for coming

00:52:25for some

00:52:25from you

00:52:26it's a school night

00:52:26but for those

00:52:27of you who can stay

00:52:28and we really hope

00:52:29you will

00:52:29like let's move

00:52:30to the living room

00:52:31for a nightcap

00:52:31so finding ways

00:52:32to sort of

00:52:33allow people to exit

00:52:33whether it's

00:52:34a life of a conversation

00:52:35whether it's a

00:52:36whether it's a party

00:52:37you can kind of feel

00:52:38when it's sort of

00:52:39it's coming to an end

00:52:40and so part of it

00:52:41is like give it

00:52:42an honorable death

00:52:43allow people to leave

00:52:45whether it's a final song

00:52:46whether it's a

00:52:47whether it's a

00:52:49a final dance

00:52:50whether it's just simply

00:52:52um

00:52:53I as a facilitator

00:52:55sometimes we do this

00:52:55in work

00:52:56it's like we're asking

00:52:57people like

00:52:57what did

00:52:58like okay

00:52:59best moments of the night

00:53:01okay

00:53:01best jokes of the night

00:53:02okay

00:53:03who is the MVP

00:53:04who

00:53:04and just finding ways

00:53:06to help people

00:53:06meaning make together

00:53:08and then slowly

00:53:09be like what

00:53:09what transpired here

00:53:10and in a work context

00:53:11I do this with all

00:53:12of my zooms

00:53:13what did you most learn

00:53:14over the last hour

00:53:15summer camps do this

00:53:16really well

00:53:16they don't just

00:53:17because they have

00:53:18campfires

00:53:18I mean come on

00:53:19they should do it

00:53:20really well

00:53:21they should do it

00:53:21really well

00:53:21but they think

00:53:22really deeply

00:53:22about closing

00:53:23and their closing day

00:53:24and the day before

00:53:25closing ceremonies

00:53:27right

00:53:27tiny little ways

00:53:28to bring ritual back

00:53:30we're sort of

00:53:30a ritualist culture

00:53:33and

00:53:33not now

00:53:34because you just

00:53:35taught us

00:53:36how to bring it back

00:53:36now we are

00:53:37now we are ritual full

00:53:38and part of modern life

00:53:39is realizing

00:53:41that we still need

00:53:42and want

00:53:43ritual

00:53:45and

00:53:45when our institutions

00:53:47are fraying

00:53:48and when

00:53:49more people

00:53:50can be part

00:53:51of many institutions

00:53:52which is also

00:53:52a good thing

00:53:53for better

00:53:54or for the worse

00:53:55we actually need

00:53:56to start inventing

00:53:57these rituals

00:53:57and when rituals

00:53:59that no longer

00:53:59served us

00:54:00because they were

00:54:01either oppressive

00:54:01or because they

00:54:02no longer

00:54:03make any sense

00:54:04because the village

00:54:05has changed

00:54:05it doesn't mean

00:54:06you end all ritual

00:54:07it means you ask

00:54:08now

00:54:09what now do we need

00:54:10and how might we

00:54:12together

00:54:12bring about something

00:54:13that allows us

00:54:14to break bread together

00:54:16have meaning together

00:54:17and be alive

00:54:19in this precious time

00:54:20that we have

00:54:21so if you're

00:54:22the kind of person

00:54:23who doesn't really

00:54:24consider yourself

00:54:25to be a host

00:54:27right

00:54:28or you are

00:54:29kind of like

00:54:30you recognize

00:54:33you're waiting

00:54:33for the invite

00:54:34but you don't

00:54:38typically

00:54:38think of yourself

00:54:39as the host

00:54:40what is your message?

00:54:42Hosting is not

00:54:43an identity

00:54:44it's an activity

00:54:45groups

00:54:46end

00:54:47when people feel

00:54:48like they're not

00:54:49meaningfully contributing

00:54:50or it's not being

00:54:51meaningfully contributing

00:54:52back

00:54:52basically a lack

00:54:53of reciprocity

00:54:53and so

00:54:54to not think about it

00:54:55as like this

00:54:56big archetypal

00:54:57thing of like

00:54:58I'm a host

00:54:59but to actually

00:55:00think about it

00:55:00as effort

00:55:01spending

00:55:02thinking about

00:55:03also host something

00:55:04you would love

00:55:05to attend

00:55:05host something

00:55:06that you

00:55:07you want to do

00:55:08and invite one other

00:55:10person to join you

00:55:11start small

00:55:12start simple

00:55:13if it feels like

00:55:14an obligation

00:55:15don't do it

00:55:17what are your

00:55:18recommendations

00:55:18for someone

00:55:19who is

00:55:20living in an apartment

00:55:21building

00:55:22or moved to a new

00:55:23neighborhood

00:55:23doesn't really know

00:55:24the neighbors

00:55:26just this week

00:55:27I saw

00:55:27on Instagram

00:55:28a woman

00:55:29who posted

00:55:30that

00:55:31she hosted

00:55:33a chair

00:55:34and share

00:55:35in her neighborhood

00:55:37she didn't know

00:55:37any of her neighbors

00:55:38she sent out

00:55:40all analog

00:55:41invitations

00:55:42flyers under

00:55:43her neighbor's doors

00:55:44and the invitation

00:55:45was to bring

00:55:46a chair

00:55:48and share

00:55:49your name

00:55:5040 neighbors

00:55:52show up

00:55:54and they had

00:55:55a great time

00:55:56but again

00:55:57it sounds silly

00:55:58a chair

00:55:59it's actually

00:56:00a symbol

00:56:00it's specific

00:56:02I can bring a chair

00:56:03great people

00:56:03bringing long

00:56:04lawn chairs

00:56:04somebody brought

00:56:05like they're like

00:56:06really really

00:56:07office chair

00:56:08it gives us

00:56:08something to sit on

00:56:09and it's showing

00:56:11the initiative

00:56:11also a lot of

00:56:13people feel this way

00:56:14to find one

00:56:15or two other

00:56:16hosts

00:56:17co-hosts

00:56:18ideally

00:56:18because it can be

00:56:19scary to do

00:56:20something alone

00:56:21you can also

00:56:22using flyers

00:56:23use the occasion

00:56:25of either

00:56:26of holidays

00:56:27invented or not

00:56:28there are many

00:56:29public institutions

00:56:30that have lots

00:56:32of free programming

00:56:33that actually

00:56:34exist over and

00:56:35over and over again

00:56:35but the key is

00:56:36to keep going

00:56:37to the same event

00:56:38over and over again

00:56:40because proximity

00:56:41and repetition

00:56:42creates safety

00:56:43and community

00:56:44your home

00:56:45should reflect

00:56:45who you are

00:56:46not who you used

00:56:47to be

00:56:47or what you think

00:56:48it's supposed

00:56:49to look like

00:56:49just you

00:56:50now

00:56:51and Ashley

00:56:52has pieces

00:56:53that fit

00:56:54whatever your

00:56:54style is

00:56:55in fact

00:56:56I was scrolling

00:56:57Ashley earlier

00:56:58and I was

00:56:59immediately drawn

00:57:00to the pieces

00:57:01in the Serene Bay

00:57:02Outdoor Collection

00:57:03now my personal

00:57:04style is cozy

00:57:05and functional

00:57:06and the pieces

00:57:06in this collection

00:57:07feel elevated

00:57:08but still livable

00:57:09and what I love

00:57:10most about Ashley

00:57:11is that every piece

00:57:12it doesn't just

00:57:13look great

00:57:14they're built

00:57:15for real life

00:57:15with features

00:57:16like stain

00:57:17resistant fabrics

00:57:18that are easy

00:57:19to clean

00:57:19and even

00:57:20machine washable

00:57:21cushion covers

00:57:22plus Ashley

00:57:23offers white glove

00:57:24delivery

00:57:25so everything's

00:57:26brought right

00:57:26into your home

00:57:27and set up

00:57:28where you want it

00:57:28making the entire

00:57:29process easy

00:57:30from start to finish

00:57:32visit your local

00:57:33Ashley store

00:57:34or head to

00:57:35ashley.com

00:57:35to find your style

00:57:39you're at a gathering

00:57:40yep

00:57:41and or you're at

00:57:43dinner with your friends

00:57:45yeah

00:57:45and then you

00:57:46have caught up

00:57:48how's the kids

00:57:49what's going on

00:57:49with work

00:57:50yeah

00:57:50your parents

00:57:52they're still

00:57:53doing okay

00:57:54awesome

00:57:54what are you doing

00:57:55this summer

00:57:55yep

00:57:56and now there's

00:57:56that pause

00:57:57yep

00:57:58and you're

00:57:59kind of thinking

00:58:00about

00:58:00and I realize

00:58:01you're going to

00:58:01tell me

00:58:02I should have

00:58:02thought about

00:58:02this before

00:58:03I'm there

00:58:03but now

00:58:03that I'm

00:58:04there

00:58:04and we've

00:58:05done the

00:58:06small talk

00:58:07what's a

00:58:08fast trick

00:58:09to get us

00:58:10to go in a

00:58:10different direction

00:58:11to ask a magical

00:58:11question

00:58:12okay

00:58:12and to

00:58:14you can keep

00:58:14them in your

00:58:15pocket

00:58:15I have a

00:58:15subset called

00:58:16group life

00:58:16we have like

00:58:17more than 50

00:58:19magical questions

00:58:19like take it

00:58:20in your pocket

00:58:20give me your

00:58:21top five

00:58:22magical questions

00:58:23what is something

00:58:24you own

00:58:25that you're

00:58:26pretty sure

00:58:27no one else

00:58:28in this group

00:58:28owns

00:58:30oh that's

00:58:31a good one

00:58:32right

00:58:33a tractor

00:58:35why do you

00:58:36have a tractor

00:58:36because I live

00:58:37on a mountain

00:58:38and we have

00:58:40a field

00:58:40that needs

00:58:41stuff

00:58:42and a long

00:58:43driveway

00:58:43that needs

00:58:44to be plowed

00:58:44and I think

00:58:45my husband

00:58:45looks really

00:58:46sexy on it

00:58:46honestly

00:58:47so

00:58:47there are

00:58:48so what you

00:58:48just gave me

00:58:49there is like

00:58:49six different

00:58:50conversational

00:58:51doorknobs

00:58:51a couple other

00:58:53magical questions

00:58:53what's a movie

00:58:55film or TV

00:58:56show

00:58:56that you could

00:58:58never watch

00:58:59again

00:59:00probably

00:59:01Jaws

00:59:01because

00:59:02that came

00:59:03out my

00:59:04like fifth

00:59:05grade summer

00:59:06or fourth

00:59:07grade summer

00:59:07and there was

00:59:09something so

00:59:09terrifying about

00:59:10that movie

00:59:11that just

00:59:11about every

00:59:12person that

00:59:12I know

00:59:13in their

00:59:13mid to

00:59:14late 50s

00:59:15had a

00:59:16terrorizing

00:59:17summer

00:59:17would not

00:59:18get in

00:59:18swimming

00:59:18pools

00:59:19that shot

00:59:20from below

00:59:21oh my

00:59:21god

00:59:22I still

00:59:22to this

00:59:23day

00:59:23think about

00:59:23it

00:59:23totally

00:59:24so do

00:59:25I

00:59:25and so

00:59:26Jaws

00:59:26as a

00:59:27movie

00:59:27then you

00:59:28can see

00:59:28all of this

00:59:29conversation

00:59:29what should

00:59:29film be

00:59:30is that

00:59:31one of the

00:59:31greatest

00:59:31movies

00:59:32that have

00:59:32ever been

00:59:32created

00:59:33or that

00:59:33terrorize

00:59:34an entire

00:59:34generation

00:59:35and change

00:59:35our

00:59:35relationship

00:59:36to the

00:59:36water

00:59:36both

00:59:38all right

00:59:39give me the

00:59:39other three

00:59:40what is an

00:59:41outfit you

00:59:41could have

00:59:41thrown away

00:59:42a long time

00:59:43ago but you

00:59:44still keep

00:59:44and what does

00:59:45it mean to

00:59:46you

00:59:47if your life

00:59:48was a movie

00:59:48what would the

00:59:49opening credits

00:59:50song be

00:59:51that's amazing

00:59:52what's the

00:59:53another one

00:59:54what is your

00:59:55favorite way to

00:59:56eat a potato

00:59:56I like a

00:59:58baked potato

00:59:59that's double

01:00:00stuffed where

01:00:01you've stirred

01:00:01in the cheese

01:00:02and the sour

01:00:03cream

01:00:04into the

01:00:05middle

01:00:05and then

01:00:06you packed

01:00:06it back

01:00:06in and we

01:00:07get fresh

01:00:08scallions on

01:00:08top and

01:00:09bacon on

01:00:09top maybe a

01:00:10little horseradish

01:00:11too and then

01:00:12you cut it in

01:00:13half and you

01:00:13can eat it

01:00:14like a

01:00:14potato

01:00:15you know like

01:00:16taco especially

01:00:17if that

01:00:18outside is

01:00:19super crispy

01:00:19and if I'm

01:00:22having a

01:00:23clam roll

01:00:24or a burger

01:00:25or a lobster

01:00:26roll it's got to

01:00:27be shoestring

01:00:28fries

01:00:28I mean right

01:00:29now I learned

01:00:30about your

01:00:30regional preferences

01:00:31I learned

01:00:32about your

01:00:33passionate

01:00:34beliefs about

01:00:35a potato

01:00:35I could hear

01:00:37that you have

01:00:38time in New

01:00:38England but I

01:00:39also could hear

01:00:40maybe you had

01:00:41time in the

01:00:41Midwest I

01:00:42remembered my

01:00:42double stuffed

01:00:43potatoes from

01:00:43my childhood

01:00:44I had memories

01:00:45of my

01:00:45stepsister

01:00:46putting those

01:00:47things in

01:00:47coming out

01:00:48right there's

01:00:48so much

01:00:49context in

01:00:49that

01:00:50and who

01:00:50can forget

01:00:50a tater tot

01:00:51I mean come

01:00:52on now

01:00:52and in diverse

01:00:53groups and

01:00:53actually in

01:00:54global teams

01:00:55this question

01:00:56this humble

01:00:57question is

01:00:58beautiful because

01:00:59you think it's

01:01:00super simple

01:01:00and then all

01:01:01of a sudden

01:01:02people have

01:01:03everything from

01:01:03samosas to

01:01:05gnocchi

01:01:06absolutely

01:01:07and what about

01:01:07you

01:01:08for me it

01:01:09would be

01:01:10alu puri

01:01:11which is an

01:01:13Indian food

01:01:14and when I

01:01:14is that potatoes

01:01:15and peas

01:01:16it can be

01:01:17but it's one of

01:01:18those recipes

01:01:18where it's like

01:01:19everyone has

01:01:19their own

01:01:20secret

01:01:21alu is usually

01:01:22this is just

01:01:23potato

01:01:24it's not just

01:01:25potato but

01:01:25it's a potato

01:01:26kind of spiced

01:01:27and my

01:01:28I'm half

01:01:29Indian

01:01:29my mother

01:01:30growing up

01:01:30when I was

01:01:31growing up

01:01:32would always

01:01:32take me to

01:01:33India for

01:01:34multiple weeks

01:01:35sometimes multiple

01:01:35months to spend

01:01:36time with my

01:01:36Indian family

01:01:37and my

01:01:38grandmother

01:01:38would be

01:01:39standing there

01:01:40in her night

01:01:40cap and her

01:01:41long night

01:01:42gown and

01:01:43she'd hear us

01:01:44come and she'd

01:01:44shuffle into the

01:01:45kitchen and

01:01:46she'd microwave

01:01:47the alu puri

01:01:48that she had

01:01:49made for me

01:01:50and she'd make

01:01:51more warm

01:01:51puris on the

01:01:52stove and it'd

01:01:53be three in the

01:01:53morning and I

01:01:54would sit there

01:01:54and I'd eat

01:01:55her alu puri

01:01:56and I was

01:01:56like all is

01:01:58well with the

01:01:58world

01:01:59you gave us

01:02:00so many

01:02:01great things

01:02:03that we can

01:02:04do and I

01:02:06also love the

01:02:07fact that it

01:02:08doesn't have to

01:02:09take a lot of

01:02:09effort for you

01:02:10to get a

01:02:11massive massive

01:02:12return if the

01:02:15person listening

01:02:16takes just one

01:02:18thing away from

01:02:19all of the

01:02:20things that you

01:02:21have shared with

01:02:22us the tactics

01:02:23the questions

01:02:24the different

01:02:25ideas the

01:02:26fun the

01:02:27inspiration

01:02:29what do you

01:02:30think is the

01:02:31most important

01:02:32thing to do

01:02:33after you're

01:02:34done listening

01:02:35to this that

01:02:36will have your

01:02:37next gathering be

01:02:38very different

01:02:38to pause and

01:02:40ask what is

01:02:42the need

01:02:43what is what

01:02:44is a need that

01:02:44I have or what

01:02:45is a need I'm

01:02:46seeing in this

01:02:46community why are

01:02:48we coming together

01:02:48why and then

01:02:50and the purpose

01:02:51need not be

01:02:51serious in fact

01:02:53probably better

01:02:54that it's not

01:02:54but to pause

01:02:56and ask what

01:02:57how do I want

01:02:57to spend my

01:02:58time and if

01:02:59this all feels

01:03:00overwhelming just

01:03:01the next time

01:03:02you're in a

01:03:02gathering the

01:03:03next whether it's

01:03:03a meeting whether

01:03:04it's a family

01:03:05reunion whether

01:03:06it's a wedding

01:03:06just start

01:03:07observing to

01:03:09start observing

01:03:10are people happy

01:03:12to be here is

01:03:13there a thought

01:03:14behind this what

01:03:15are moments where

01:03:16people are starting

01:03:16to come alive how

01:03:18am I feeling in

01:03:19this moment is

01:03:20there a way is

01:03:21there a simple

01:03:21technique I may

01:03:22be at a wedding

01:03:23table that I've

01:03:24been sat at with

01:03:25strangers and we

01:03:26haven't necessarily

01:03:27we don't know each

01:03:28other is there a

01:03:29tiny thing I could

01:03:30do whether it's a

01:03:31person next to me

01:03:32or across that

01:03:33might for this one

01:03:33moment make this

01:03:35more interesting and

01:03:36if this overall feels

01:03:37overwhelming start by

01:03:38being a really good

01:03:39guest guests have a

01:03:41lot of power well

01:03:42since you said that

01:03:44endings really matter

01:03:45I thought maybe we'd

01:03:46end in a different

01:03:47way oh how about

01:03:49you end by asking

01:03:51the person who

01:03:52was with us a

01:03:53magical question

01:03:54so if I was

01:03:55sitting here and I

01:03:55was deeply thinking

01:03:56about your community

01:03:57I would ask

01:03:58something like

01:04:01what is a

01:04:02specific moment

01:04:03or insight from

01:04:05a Mel Robbins

01:04:06podcast that

01:04:09changed your life

01:04:11and what action

01:04:13did you take in

01:04:14your life because

01:04:15of it and and

01:04:16but specifically

01:04:17what did what

01:04:18action did you take

01:04:20and how to go

01:04:20that's the story

01:04:22part of it

01:04:22oh I'd love to

01:04:23hear the story

01:04:24and you can either

01:04:25put it in the

01:04:26review or you can

01:04:27send it in at

01:04:28melrobbins.com or

01:04:30you can post about

01:04:31it on social

01:04:32that's a great one

01:04:33Priya Parker

01:04:35absolutely fantastic

01:04:36thank you so much

01:04:36for having me

01:04:37thank you so much

01:04:38for the work that

01:04:39you're doing

01:04:39the whole team has

01:04:40been so excited for

01:04:41you to come

01:04:42and we have a lot

01:04:43of fun around here

01:04:44but we all could

01:04:46have more meaningful

01:04:47and more intentional

01:04:49and purposeful

01:04:50connections in our

01:04:52lives and I just

01:04:53I'm super excited

01:04:54because the things

01:04:55that you suggested

01:04:58seem super simple

01:05:00and that they would

01:05:02make an enormous

01:05:02difference and I

01:05:03cannot wait I'm

01:05:05going to particularly

01:05:06use the piece

01:05:07about sometimes

01:05:09people just need

01:05:10to go on a walk

01:05:12or to do soccer

01:05:13or to play badminton

01:05:15and not have a

01:05:15deep talk

01:05:16and sometimes

01:05:18we need to

01:05:19take ownership

01:05:20over changing

01:05:22the way we're

01:05:24doing things

01:05:24and finding allies

01:05:26and the entire

01:05:27section about

01:05:28the uncomfortable

01:05:30or the unhealthy

01:05:31piece holy cow

01:05:32that was incredible

01:05:33and I also want to

01:05:34thank you thank you

01:05:35for listening to

01:05:37something that

01:05:38will truly change

01:05:40the way you are

01:05:42showing up with

01:05:42your family the

01:05:44kind of fun you

01:05:44can have and

01:05:45connections that

01:05:45you can make with

01:05:46your friends your

01:05:47neighbors work there

01:05:48were so much here

01:05:50that I know I'm

01:05:51going to apply I

01:05:52truly hope you

01:05:53apply it and if

01:05:55you do I guarantee

01:05:56you you're going to

01:05:57have more fun and

01:05:58more meaningful

01:05:58connections and you

01:05:59deserve that and

01:06:00in case no one else

01:06:01tells you today I

01:06:02wanted to be sure to

01:06:03tell you as your

01:06:04friend that I love

01:06:05you and I believe

01:06:06in you and I

01:06:06believe in your

01:06:07ability to create a

01:06:08better life and you

01:06:09just heard Priya

01:06:10share with you that

01:06:12part of living a

01:06:13better life it

01:06:14requires a little

01:06:15bit of heat from

01:06:16you it requires you

01:06:17to change some

01:06:18things it requires

01:06:19you to think about

01:06:20what you actually

01:06:21want and need and

01:06:23then take responsibility

01:06:24for being the one

01:06:26that creates it

01:06:26because you can and

01:06:27I really hope you

01:06:29do all righty I'll

01:06:31see you in the very

01:06:32next episode I'm

01:06:32going to welcome you

01:06:33in the moment you

01:06:34hit play and thank

01:06:36you for watching all

01:06:37the way to the end

01:06:38and you're going to

01:06:39love this next video

01:06:41and I'll be waiting

01:06:42to welcome you in

01:06:42the moment you

01:06:43hit play

01:06:46and I'll be waiting

01:06:47and I'll see you in

Try it For 1 Week: Small Ways to Make Your Life Fun & Exciting Again | Podcast Insight Zone

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