- 10 hours ago
First broadcast 11th April 1989.
Two Scottish women, doing a feminist cabaret act in a seedy pub, have to choose between principle and profit when success on the alternative cabaret circuit beckons.
Judy Sweeney - Linda (as Judith Sweeney)
Louise Beattie - Gail
Anne Kristen - Sheila
Ewan Stewart - Phil
Stephanie Fayerman - Karen
Andrew Robertson - Jim
Tony Roper - Gordon
Billy McElhaney - Joe
Audrey Jenkinson - Jackie
Hilary Maclean - Student
Douglas Anderson - Paul
Kerry Arthur - Wendy
Marcus Railton - First squaddie
Kenneth McFadyen - Second squaddie (as Kenny McFadyen)
David Tennant - Third squaddie
Two Scottish women, doing a feminist cabaret act in a seedy pub, have to choose between principle and profit when success on the alternative cabaret circuit beckons.
Judy Sweeney - Linda (as Judith Sweeney)
Louise Beattie - Gail
Anne Kristen - Sheila
Ewan Stewart - Phil
Stephanie Fayerman - Karen
Andrew Robertson - Jim
Tony Roper - Gordon
Billy McElhaney - Joe
Audrey Jenkinson - Jackie
Hilary Maclean - Student
Douglas Anderson - Paul
Kerry Arthur - Wendy
Marcus Railton - First squaddie
Kenneth McFadyen - Second squaddie (as Kenny McFadyen)
David Tennant - Third squaddie
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:01Have you ever laid an egg then?
00:00:05Aye.
00:00:06Hurt, is it?
00:00:08Agony.
00:00:10Why do it?
00:00:11To continue the species.
00:00:13What for?
00:00:14Dunno.
00:00:16Passes the time.
00:00:30What's your television, but they're taking it away.
00:00:32I can't afford to eat it.
00:00:33Got no money for the meter.
00:00:35I owe a lot of cash.
00:00:36Get into my neck.
00:00:38Signing on the door, but I'm waiting for you.
00:00:40Bye, y'all.
00:00:41Bye, y'all.
00:00:42Peace, man.
00:01:03Now, your blue whale, Jack.
00:01:05Your blue whale has got a brain the size of a double-decker bus.
00:01:11A double-decker bus.
00:01:13I'm telling you.
00:01:15Hello there, thingy.
00:01:17Hi.
00:01:18Hello.
00:01:19Hello.
00:01:19Bye.
00:01:22Bye.
00:01:22Bye.
00:01:22Bye.
00:01:23Bye.
00:01:23Bye.
00:01:54Nobody at the bank will laugh at me alone
00:01:56It's all right, it's all right
00:01:59What's that?
00:02:00What's the meaning of it? Alliance.
00:02:02Alliance. Alliance.
00:02:04Alliance. Oh, hell of a means.
00:02:05Two minutes!
00:02:08What is the one that is today?
00:02:10Vote for a bloody building society.
00:02:13I don't know.
00:02:17Two minutes!
00:02:19What is that?
00:02:26My dad, right? He's got a plate in his head and a pin in his leg.
00:02:32He wouldn't have had a glass either, but my mother should be.
00:02:35He's in the unit of an axe, right?
00:02:37Me too.
00:02:41Hi, everyone!
00:02:43Oh, God, that's it. Oh, no!
00:02:48They're here, they're back again.
00:02:50How could you lose your keys again? I don't know.
00:02:53Three hands together.
00:02:54And then we're Gail and Linda,
00:02:55Set it down.
00:02:55Set it down.
00:02:57Set it down.
00:03:02Set it down.
00:03:03Set it down.
00:03:04Set it down.
00:03:04Hello, I'm Melinda Mackay.
00:03:06And I'm Gail Bale.
00:03:07And we are...
00:03:08Hell's Bells!
00:03:13As you know, we're a feminist double act.
00:03:15We're actually the token women on the bill tonight.
00:03:18So you've got eight of us, you get a free cut glass to ganter.
00:03:23This is one I wrote just for you.
00:03:28I'm gonna take you on a journey.
00:03:30Where?
00:03:30Down your television screen, down the big grey tube.
00:03:33Wow!
00:03:34You know what they're doing there?
00:03:35Tell me.
00:03:36They're building a new world, a new future.
00:03:39A new can of pot noodle, a new man.
00:03:41Just for you!
00:03:44This is the story, and I've heard it said.
00:03:46And I'm here to tell you that sex is on the thread.
00:03:49The battle is over, you're all gonna be free.
00:03:51Cause we've made a new man on your TV.
00:03:53I've seen him in the kitchen cooking New Bell Cuisine
00:03:55with an apron on his bum.
00:03:57And you know what I mean?
00:03:57This guy's so cool, he's acting for trouble.
00:04:00Sell you a lighter with designer stubble.
00:04:02Toy boy or playboy, she won't ask why.
00:04:04Cause he comes in special offer with your GTI.
00:04:09Watch your coffee and make sure Ben kills 90% of all germstone debt.
00:04:13Okay, so he's natural, but he does it with teeth.
00:04:16Cause your credit reigns too good to waste
00:04:17for some little man who doesn't have style.
00:04:20Cause you're the new woman and you need a man to fill your file of fags.
00:04:24Knock you off your tracks, he's so essential you can claim him off tags.
00:04:32See this new man?
00:04:33Yeah.
00:04:34Is he like really new?
00:04:35Completely.
00:04:36Guaranteed.
00:04:36All parts fully interchangeable.
00:04:39Mmm.
00:04:39Can I get him on HP?
00:04:41What's your credit rating?
00:04:42Can I get him in economy packs?
00:04:43Listen, we're talking limited edition here.
00:04:45Can I afford him in my gyro?
00:04:46Don't waste my time, American Express.
00:04:49Oh, that'll do nicely.
00:04:51That'll do nicely.
00:04:54If you want to make a change, you're going too far.
00:04:57We don't want to roll the world, we just want to sell cars.
00:04:59Go out and get him with your mice away.
00:05:01Think of these assets, think we go safe.
00:05:03You don't need to worry about people pay.
00:05:05Crashes or rape, he'll take away.
00:05:07All those little quibbles that leave you in smiles.
00:05:10You don't need feminism, you've got style.
00:05:12Making a new world is brave and it's bold.
00:05:14You say you like it and we stay sold.
00:05:24Hey, they weren't any bad.
00:05:26They weren't any bad.
00:05:27They weren't any good either.
00:05:38They don't get a decanter guy.
00:05:39They never get a decanter guy.
00:05:41I don't get a decanter guy.
00:05:44Carol!
00:05:45Well, they liked it, didn't they?
00:05:48Yeah.
00:05:50Does it look like it?
00:05:51I love the work.
00:05:53Yeah, treasures.
00:05:54Excuse me.
00:05:54I wondered if you'd tend to have a quick word.
00:05:57It depends on the word.
00:05:58Hi.
00:05:59That's a quick word.
00:06:00It's just an interview.
00:06:01An interview?
00:06:03Who's it for?
00:06:04Who's it for?
00:06:05Well, it's just the student paper.
00:06:07Oh.
00:06:09Aye.
00:06:10Oh, right.
00:06:10We don't mind.
00:06:11What do you want to know?
00:06:12Well, I know you've been doing an act for a while.
00:06:14I just wondered why you did it.
00:06:16Aye, so do we.
00:06:17Da.
00:06:18So does the audience.
00:06:19That's right.
00:06:20Undercutter material.
00:06:21Shut up.
00:06:22The moon is asking a serious question.
00:06:25You...
00:06:25Well, no one else is doing it.
00:06:28I mean...
00:06:29What's the most difficult thing about doing an act like this?
00:06:31Finding your way on stage, usually.
00:06:33Linda.
00:06:34No, I once did an anthem to the nurse's strike in the gents' toilet.
00:06:37I...
00:06:37I got an uncle.
00:06:39Shut it!
00:06:40Eh, I think the most difficult thing is keeping the integrity around the tail.
00:06:45But we can do that because we're so small-scale.
00:06:47We can keep our independence.
00:06:48Now, that's a rare thing.
00:06:49For women to be able to get up and shout about what we want to say.
00:06:52I mean, we can't be doing it for the money, eh?
00:06:54That's great.
00:06:57Yes?
00:06:58No.
00:07:00Do you not agree with that?
00:07:00Oh, aye.
00:07:02Thought you said it very well.
00:07:03Lot of integrity in that statement.
00:07:07Katie.
00:07:09No, it's true.
00:07:10It is true.
00:07:12No, it's just her and me.
00:07:14That's all it is.
00:07:16Oh, here, listen, we're getting water round here.
00:07:18Do you want to drink a beer?
00:07:19A beer of wine, please.
00:07:21A beer of wine, please.
00:07:22A beer of wine, please.
00:07:23Hey.
00:07:24Have your friends ever drink pints?
00:07:26Aye.
00:07:27Have you ever drive more than wine?
00:07:29Aye.
00:07:31I'm losing money on you lot.
00:07:32Oh, any change for so important.
00:07:34I love to smash it. Great.
00:07:36Thanks, Jim. I'd just like to make one wee comment.
00:07:39No, no, no, seriously.
00:07:40Ah, see, see, it's not what it's about, isn't it?
00:07:44I mean, men and women like that, it's not what it's about any mere.
00:07:47Hello, Ed. It's Phil there.
00:07:50It's not, is it? Phil.
00:07:52I mean, that's just stupid.
00:07:55It's not very nice.
00:07:57Are you hearing me?
00:07:58Look, my friend's having a bit of war, OK?
00:08:00What?
00:08:02Oh, that's lovely, darling, but I don't think hamsters need a bag.
00:08:05They lick the fur.
00:08:07They lick the fur.
00:08:09You're on my foot.
00:08:10What?
00:08:11What was it doing in the mama lady?
00:08:12It's fairly quiet compared to him.
00:08:15Oh, darling, it's just you're on my foot.
00:08:17Don't bring anything in this.
00:08:19Unless you shout about it.
00:08:20Will you get off my foot?
00:08:22Oh, sorry.
00:08:26Oh, look, I'm sorry.
00:08:28OK.
00:08:30It's all right.
00:08:31OK.
00:08:32OK.
00:08:33I apologise.
00:08:35Hiya, Paul.
00:08:36What's it doing?
00:08:36Oh, just a second.
00:08:37Oh, no, it's not.
00:08:38He's here.
00:08:39What are you doing here?
00:08:40I thought you were good.
00:08:41Wendy, get Paul, darling.
00:08:44Darling, you mustn't leave them.
00:08:46Paul is only 30.
00:08:48Paul?
00:08:49Paul, darling, listen.
00:08:50Will you keep the door locked and wait?
00:08:52Same again, Phil?
00:08:53What?
00:08:53Mrs Gow's with them.
00:08:54What?
00:08:54Who's with you?
00:08:55Mrs Gow from next door.
00:08:58Don't call her that, Paul.
00:08:59I've told you.
00:09:01OK, darling, listen.
00:09:02Will you be good?
00:09:05That's it.
00:09:06See you later, darling.
00:09:14Do you know what?
00:09:15Do you know what it works?
00:09:16Is that going to be OK?
00:09:17Mrs Gow is a professional baby, haven't you?
00:09:19Aye, I know.
00:09:21But £2.50, I know.
00:09:26Oh, yes!
00:09:29What have you been young, bastard?
00:09:31In this the ad?
00:09:32I wanted you to see it.
00:09:33I'm sorry, OK.
00:09:34No, it's OK.
00:09:35I hate you.
00:09:36Do you want a drink?
00:09:37No, I'll give you one.
00:09:39So how did it go tonight?
00:09:41All right. Gail was pissed.
00:09:44I just felt I was talking a foreign language.
00:09:46Ah, you're a good combination.
00:09:48Gail just appeals to the younger bits of the audience, that's all.
00:09:51Oh, aye.
00:09:52Yeah, and you had made a mistake
00:09:54going on stage with my Zimmer.
00:09:56You know what I mean.
00:09:57You know what I don't.
00:10:00That's Joe.
00:10:02He plays Sargis.
00:10:04He's really good.
00:10:05He's brilliant.
00:10:06Well, he tries.
00:10:09He's like a big crap.
00:10:11Who knows?
00:10:13He just looks that beautiful blown down, I think.
00:10:16I read a cigarette smother in his head.
00:10:19So you won't be wanting a lift home tonight?
00:10:22I won't do not tell you.
00:10:23I've lost my keys.
00:10:25I'll leave you the phone.
00:10:29It's strange, isn't it?
00:10:30Hiya.
00:10:33Hiya.
00:10:34Hiya.
00:10:36Jim wants another drink garden.
00:10:39Well, he's no getting one.
00:10:49So where's your tape?
00:10:50What tape?
00:10:52The tape with your poems on it.
00:10:53That family enterprise.
00:10:55Family enterprise?
00:10:56Oh, you're stuck.
00:10:57I want to send her a real cross section of the ad.
00:11:01Chocolate hazel nut spread.
00:11:04Oh, I'm talking 3,000 calories a spoonful.
00:11:07Oh, if I'd given birth to the Nolans,
00:11:08I could have paid all of my bills.
00:11:10Because a family with several hit records is the way to cure all of your ills.
00:11:13That's the one.
00:11:15So where is it?
00:11:16You can't make me a treat on the welfare and the banks are all going to foreclose.
00:11:19Oi!
00:11:20You murder!
00:11:21Birthdays only.
00:11:22Well, it's really unprofessional keeping your demo tapes in the conflicts.
00:11:25Slap all your kiddies and tap shoes and give them their own West End shoes.
00:11:28This woman is like big time, okay?
00:11:30Big time.
00:11:31And we sent her demo tape covered in marmite.
00:11:33I've never been sure about that rap.
00:11:35Oi, here.
00:11:36What woman?
00:11:37This woman?
00:11:38I've walked to it.
00:11:39I told you.
00:11:39Telly, telly, telly.
00:11:41The only way you can do it, you've got to show some enterprise.
00:11:43Don't wait for your family allowance.
00:11:44Get two of the Jackson 5.
00:11:46Telly!
00:11:46Oh, that's dated.
00:11:47There's no way out.
00:11:48That's a Jackson 5.
00:11:50See?
00:11:50Same thing as a Nolans.
00:11:52Like that.
00:11:53Bed.
00:11:54Want your comic?
00:11:56Say night-night.
00:11:57Night-night.
00:12:00Night-night.
00:12:00Night-night.
00:12:01Night-night.
00:12:01Night-night.
00:12:02Night-night.
00:12:02Night-bye.
00:12:03Night-night.
00:12:04Night-night.
00:12:08Night-night.
00:12:08Night-night.
00:12:08Night-night.
00:12:10Oh, Gail, we are no interested in telly.
00:12:14Of course we're interested in telly.
00:12:16Find a new market.
00:12:17Find a what?
00:12:18Branch out.
00:12:19Because we're getting a stale.
00:12:21We are.
00:12:21That old black and white thing.
00:12:23We have a great matter of telly.
00:12:24We weren't even making an impact.
00:12:24I mean, really, we're visually impaired.
00:12:27Telly needs something about us.
00:12:29Something different and exciting and funny.
00:12:31Oh, we don't do funny shows, do we?
00:12:33Look, Linda.
00:12:34I got this phone call.
00:12:35Remember, I told you I sent off all those letters.
00:12:37Well, this woman phoned me back.
00:12:38Coffee.
00:12:39Oh, milk, two sugars, please.
00:12:42No, Linda, listen.
00:12:43Get this, get this.
00:12:43She said, send me material.
00:12:45I'd love to see it.
00:12:46Send it all.
00:12:47She said, come down and discuss things down to London.
00:12:50Linda.
00:12:51Listen, Linda, will you listen?
00:12:53This woman, this woman did a show with Ben Elton.
00:12:56What are you doing?
00:12:57What does it look like?
00:12:58No, darling, not that one.
00:12:59It's all ripped.
00:13:00That's the one they try to play coldets inside of.
00:13:02Coldets?
00:13:03Oh, I didn't ask.
00:13:04Two downy covers and a set of teaspoons.
00:13:05Completely destroyed in half an hour.
00:13:08No, darling, it's the red one.
00:13:09Okay.
00:13:10Phil.
00:13:12You sit down, I'll get it.
00:13:14It's not there.
00:13:16I took it to the laundrette with the other stuff.
00:13:19What?
00:13:20Phil, I didn't want you to do that.
00:13:23Do you want a coffee, Linda?
00:13:25Yes.
00:13:25Darling, that's really...
00:13:27Phil.
00:13:27No milk, no sugar, thanks.
00:13:31Linda!
00:13:33Listen, it's her break.
00:13:34This is a break.
00:13:35She's interested in our act.
00:13:36That's not my coffee.
00:13:37That's gold blend.
00:13:38How come there is gold blend?
00:13:40I just did some shopping.
00:13:41Darling, I cannot afford to get gold...
00:13:43I got it.
00:13:44I can afford it.
00:13:45Okay?
00:13:46Fine.
00:13:46Right.
00:13:47No one wants to listen.
00:13:48No one wants to listen.
00:13:49It's fame and wealth in their own TV special on Channel 4.
00:13:52I mean, how could we give up all this, eh?
00:13:54These reads are bastards, you know.
00:13:55That's the last time I get that make, I'm telling you.
00:13:58Oh.
00:13:59You see?
00:14:00They split your lip every time.
00:14:05What did you say about Ben Elton?
00:14:09Who?
00:14:13Come and look at Linda's shower, Jo.
00:14:24What?
00:14:27Nothing.
00:14:32I just really wish you wouldn't.
00:14:47The shower!
00:14:49Go on!
00:14:49Gail!
00:14:50Mind the shower, Jo.
00:14:51Go on!
00:14:53Go on!
00:15:00Come here, then.
00:15:08Why didn't you tell me?
00:15:09What was it?
00:15:10Too dark?
00:15:11Too scary on your own?
00:15:12I'll go in next door.
00:15:13Come here.
00:15:21There's nothing to be scared of.
00:15:23There's nothing there.
00:15:25You just make things up.
00:15:26They're your things out of your head.
00:15:28They can't hurt you.
00:15:31Want me to tuck you in again?
00:15:33I'll tell you what.
00:15:35I'll get you back to bed and I'll tell you a different story so you won't have to remember
00:15:39the scary one.
00:15:39Okay?
00:15:41Come on, then.
00:15:45That's okay.
00:15:46I've got a...
00:15:46Oh, Phil!
00:15:47It's okay.
00:15:59You're gonna be all right in here.
00:16:02Of course.
00:16:05Well, listen, he's quite nice, eh?
00:16:08It's a bit quiet, though, isn't it?
00:16:10Ooh!
00:16:12Have you seen his hands up?
00:16:13Oh, Linda!
00:16:15You've seen his fingers!
00:16:16Eh, eh, eh...
00:16:19Eh, I'll leave you to it, eh?
00:16:22Eh, Linda, we're gonna have to talk about what we're doing.
00:16:24What?
00:16:24Don't you wanna be a superstar?
00:16:26Oh, darling, if I was gonna be a superstar, eh, but it happened when I was 18.
00:16:30And I could still smile at the men with the money and mean it.
00:16:34But can I have it?
00:16:35And I don't want it.
00:16:37We'll talk about it in the morning, eh?
00:16:41Night, Joe.
00:16:42Aye.
00:16:43See ya.
00:16:54You're not gonna watch it, eh?
00:16:58It's not fair.
00:17:00There's no sexy way to do this.
00:17:03See?
00:17:05Stop laughing.
00:17:11Do you want me to get the light?
00:17:12It's up to you.
00:17:14Do I have any light without it?
00:17:19Aye.
00:17:20I can still see you.
00:17:29I don't like forage.
00:17:31It's good for you.
00:17:33How do you spell geology?
00:17:34What?
00:17:35I just don't see why not.
00:17:37I don't like forage.
00:17:39G-E-O-L-O-G-Y.
00:17:41They won't want us.
00:17:43Mum, can I get a lot to get off for them?
00:17:45Why?
00:17:45I don't feel well.
00:17:47They look fine to me.
00:17:48Why won't they?
00:17:49But I don't need to know how to swim.
00:17:51Yes, you do.
00:17:53One of these days, I'm gonna get up the minute the alarm goes off.
00:17:55One of these days.
00:17:57I don't like forage.
00:18:03Why do I need to?
00:18:05Suppose you fell off a fire in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?
00:18:08We can't go on a liner.
00:18:10I wanted to go on a school cruise and Mum said we couldn't afford it.
00:18:13Aye, and I can't afford to go to London either.
00:18:15Look at this telly.
00:18:16Everyone else went and went all around the Mediterranean.
00:18:20Well, we've got rabies in Europe.
00:18:21Suppose you've been bitten by a rabid dog.
00:18:25Then where would you be?
00:18:27I didn't have dogs.
00:18:28It was a boat.
00:18:30A rabid seagull, then.
00:18:33Aye, seagull.
00:18:34You've got to tell because of the truth.
00:18:36I don't like forage!
00:18:37It's cheaper!
00:18:38It's the only thing in the house!
00:18:42That's the only way to shut them up.
00:18:46Oh, never you mind, pumpkin.
00:18:48I will get you sugar puffs in the morrow.
00:18:50Oh, there you go, telly's money.
00:18:52Oh, you can make money flogging heroin and all.
00:18:55Come on, Linda.
00:18:55When have you ever seen anything like us on telly?
00:18:58How do you spell?
00:19:00Fisher.
00:19:01F-I-S-H-E-R.
00:19:03That's the point.
00:19:04That's Fisher.
00:19:05You should have done this last night, Paul.
00:19:07We are too feminist.
00:19:09This toast spun!
00:19:11She wants feminist.
00:19:12Fisher, I'm liking a rock.
00:19:14Yeah!
00:19:15We used to get on the road this minute, y'know?
00:19:17I have breakfast, yeah.
00:19:18And we are Scottish.
00:19:20I don't like toast.
00:19:22Sold.
00:19:23We could be the next export.
00:19:24Oil and feminist can.
00:19:26Aw.
00:19:26I can't go until I finish this bit of geography yet, Mum.
00:19:29Mum!
00:19:30Why can't we have biscuits for breakfast?
00:19:38I'll phone you, okay?
00:19:41Right.
00:19:41Well, em, it'll need to be at my place, no here.
00:19:44And I won't be in tonight or-
00:19:46Okay, okay.
00:19:46Well, I'll get you something.
00:19:47I'll see you.
00:19:51Joe.
00:19:52Er, will you come to the show?
00:19:54It's Saturday.
00:19:55I dunno.
00:19:56I'll see what the band's doing.
00:19:58Oh, please.
00:19:59Well, maybe.
00:19:59Maybe.
00:19:59I'll ring you anyway.
00:20:01Take care.
00:20:03Who's he?
00:20:05That was Joe.
00:20:07He's been playing saxophone.
00:20:08But he's not moving as well, is he?
00:20:11Gail is only here for one night, Paul.
00:20:13Didn't I be cheeky?
00:20:15Not her.
00:20:16Not my heart.
00:20:17No-one is moving in, Paul, okay?
00:20:19Well, why was that man here?
00:20:21Because he's got really nice hands.
00:20:26You're right, it works.
00:20:28Right, you do up the road now.
00:20:29Yeah.
00:20:35You could have said I had a cold.
00:20:37Ah, but you don't have a cold, Paul.
00:20:39Eh, but I will if I have to go swimming.
00:20:41Have you put biscuits for my lunch, Mum?
00:20:43Yes.
00:20:44No, don't be stupid, Paul.
00:20:46I'll probably drown.
00:20:50You all right in there last night?
00:20:52Mm-hm.
00:20:56So, I don't post it?
00:21:00They'll make us change our material.
00:21:04Look, we've got our own show, our own audience, our own venue.
00:21:09No compromises, no changes.
00:21:11Where else are we going to get that?
00:21:15We don't need to change a thing.
00:21:20Aye, all right then.
00:21:21Go on, post it.
00:21:22Why not?
00:21:23Wendy!
00:21:25Wendy, off the road, darling.
00:21:30We're going to have to change the hats.
00:21:32There's thousands of fuck out there.
00:21:34We cannae go on like this.
00:21:35We're going to have to change the hats.
00:21:45Aye.
00:21:45That's okay.
00:21:47Look, it still looks stupid.
00:21:48It's supposed to look stupid.
00:21:50It's supposed to get a laugh.
00:21:53Oh, how else are they going to know that we're herring girls?
00:21:56Well, we could squawk.
00:21:58We could stand in one leg and squawk.
00:22:00Evening, girls.
00:22:01A little weather, eh?
00:22:02Aye, Sheila.
00:22:04Sheila!
00:22:05Sheila, what's this?
00:22:09Is it a boot or a film?
00:22:10I'm done.
00:22:15Sheila!
00:22:15Oh, my God.
00:22:18We're going to have to change the hats.
00:22:21No, it took Paul three weeks to make these in homecraft.
00:22:24We need proper props and costumes.
00:22:26Right, give me a liney so we can go through the first bit.
00:22:28Right, right.
00:22:29Well, what I want to know is, if I'm a herring girl and I've been a herring girl, what way
00:22:33can I lace that fish?
00:22:44That was your cute thought you wanted a line on.
00:22:46Listen, we're going to have to change some of our material.
00:22:49Tone some bits down.
00:22:50My!
00:22:55Hello, Jackie.
00:22:57There you go.
00:22:58Shall we?
00:23:02I've been talking to myself ever since the day I was gone.
00:23:07I don't like it, I don't like it.
00:23:09What's up, anyway?
00:23:11What do you mean?
00:23:11Are you down?
00:23:12Me?
00:23:13I'm flying.
00:23:14What does it look like?
00:23:15The day of the condor!
00:23:17PHONE RINGS
00:23:18Hello?
00:23:21Hi, Shez.
00:23:24Hello.
00:23:25Hello.
00:23:26I'm telling you.
00:23:27Sometimes I think we should just change the whole show.
00:23:29Hey!
00:23:30Tell you who I like.
00:23:31Paul Daniels.
00:23:32He's his screen help.
00:23:33Hey!
00:23:34It's too direct.
00:23:36It's too dated.
00:23:37I mean, everyone knows what the men-women thing's about.
00:23:39Now, come on.
00:23:40You can tell me.
00:23:41Hey!
00:23:42Nae gone cost you're on working with us.
00:23:44And the two Ronnies.
00:23:45They're great.
00:23:46Especially the wee fella.
00:23:47Oh.
00:23:49Sheila, come on.
00:23:51That's just wee boy smut.
00:23:53Hey.
00:23:53Do you hear me?
00:23:54For goodness sake, Gordon.
00:23:56Aye, listen.
00:23:57I'll need to call you back.
00:23:58Well, do you not think it's dated?
00:23:59You cannae take yourself too seriously in this life, Linda.
00:24:02You just cannae.
00:24:03Aye, right.
00:24:03You ring me back.
00:24:05Bye.
00:24:07See my pal Marie, Gordon?
00:24:09She's got a belly like that.
00:24:10She's pregnant.
00:24:11What's your excuse?
00:24:14Sheila!
00:24:16Get a duster in that bar sharpish and I'll scurry with trouble.
00:24:20Oh, my goodness.
00:24:22I cannae do everything at once.
00:24:24I just cannae.
00:24:25Oh, here.
00:24:26Can you manage it?
00:24:28You know, he shouldn't leave you to manage all this.
00:24:30You're right.
00:24:31You're right.
00:24:32I know you're right.
00:24:32We're brilliant.
00:24:33We shouldn't change anything.
00:24:35He's having an awful time of it.
00:24:37We're witty.
00:24:38We're weak.
00:24:39We're devastating the amazing work.
00:24:42I'm lucky in love.
00:24:45Listen, Linda, I'm really sorry.
00:24:46I've done something you're not going to like.
00:24:48Shut up.
00:24:49Ten minutes, then a bar break.
00:24:51Ten minutes?
00:24:52You're joking.
00:24:53What do you want?
00:24:54One and a half sketches?
00:24:55Portrait and instalments?
00:24:57Ten minutes, then a bar break.
00:25:00Now, I want a word we's after you're finished tonight.
00:25:01We cannae do.
00:25:02Are you hearing me?
00:25:03Aye.
00:25:04Okay, Gordon.
00:25:05Well, what do you want a word about?
00:25:07Are you ready?
00:25:08Because you were due on five minutes ago.
00:25:11Gordon.
00:25:11Oh, Gordon, did I get any phone calls before we got here tonight?
00:25:14You're not supposed to use that phone for private calls.
00:25:17Did anyone phone?
00:25:18Come on, Gordon.
00:25:18I'm not here to take messages.
00:25:20Hi, everyone.
00:25:23God, this fluff's getting in my eyes, Linda.
00:25:25Oh, have a good one, eh?
00:25:28Yes, ma'am.
00:25:33If that's for me, tell them I'll get straight back in the queue.
00:25:36Gail!
00:25:36Tell them I'll get back!
00:25:37Hello?
00:25:38A big hand for Gail and Linda, the Hell's Bells!
00:25:46No, he's working at the moment.
00:25:48Can I take a message?
00:25:52Aye.
00:25:54How about that?
00:25:57Well, what I want to know is, if I'm a herring gull and I've aye been a herring gull,
00:26:03what way can Inae stand fish?
00:26:05I'll tell him.
00:26:08Mr Mackenzie?
00:26:10Right.
00:26:11I'm counting the lucky stars you're a herring gull.
00:26:14There could have been a gullimot.
00:26:17Have you seen the paper?
00:26:18Oh, no.
00:26:18I couldn't have shown my face out with a big that shape.
00:26:21Ah.
00:26:24Ad.
00:26:26Now, what Ad?
00:26:28Hi.
00:26:29What's he talking about?
00:26:32Agony.
00:26:33Why do it?
00:26:34Oh, my God.
00:26:36What for?
00:26:40Well, we're aye the last to know, eh?
00:26:43Doc.
00:26:45Did you know this pub was up for sale?
00:26:50Well, it'll be the maiden season soon.
00:26:53Oh, God.
00:26:54What?
00:26:55Me again?
00:26:56It's only once a year.
00:26:58You cannae complain.
00:27:00Cannae be it the way they all carry on, trying to impress you.
00:27:04Clashing their beaks.
00:27:05Mo flying along the fast lane of the motorways.
00:27:08Crapping on foxes and laughing.
00:27:11Aye, well, you'll be marking your nest then.
00:27:15We'd better get our skates on.
00:27:16Soon be April.
00:27:19I thought we did that together.
00:27:21Hey.
00:27:22Him and me again.
00:27:24Wing tipty wing tip.
00:27:25Carrying the twins.
00:27:26Making a wee nest.
00:27:28Keeping it nice.
00:27:28Sittin' on the eggs.
00:27:30Turd in the boot.
00:27:31You sure you're a herring girl?
00:27:33I was going to write it with my glass.
00:27:35Sorry, folks, the show's off.
00:27:36Shut up.
00:27:37Come on, you boy.
00:27:38Come to me.
00:27:39Hey, Linda.
00:27:42Look at this.
00:27:43The takings are doing every week.
00:27:45Eh, I'm not sure I should do this one.
00:27:46Well, look, there's more in.
00:27:47There's more in every week.
00:27:48But they're drinking less.
00:27:50They're too busy.
00:27:50Shh.
00:27:51What do you reckon?
00:27:52Will I go for it?
00:27:53They're too busy watching you two
00:27:55to get a decent round in.
00:27:57Right.
00:27:59This is a deeply sentimental and poignant love poem.
00:28:04So I don't want any of you bastards sniggering at it, right?
00:28:06We're talking true love here, okay?
00:28:08This is me bearing my saw here.
00:28:10Hankies are provided behind the bar.
00:28:14I'll just take a few moments to compose myself.
00:28:16Let them all hang out, kid.
00:28:18Hey, no emotion, no.
00:28:19Sorry, sorry.
00:28:25My left nipple can't forget you.
00:28:28Oh, this isn't me on, you know.
00:28:29There's folk in here trying to play dominoes.
00:28:31There's no emotion.
00:28:32My legs forgot first.
00:28:34They're callous that way.
00:28:35Then my arms and my back.
00:28:37Cos, like, nothing can stay in the memory forever.
00:28:40And they've lifting to do.
00:28:41And bending and walking and things to get on with.
00:28:43Even my mouth's forgotten the things we did here together.
00:28:46But my left nipple's decided to remember forever.
00:28:51It's a pain in the bum.
00:28:53Oh, my bum doesn't remember.
00:28:55It's nothing personal, you know, but it's satin' at all.
00:29:00My...
00:29:03Almost remembers.
00:29:04It'll twitch to itself when I least expect it.
00:29:07Make me spill whatever I'm holding.
00:29:09But it doesn't recall in every detail.
00:29:10My left nipple remembers it all.
00:29:13And it's singing.
00:29:14Yeah, singing.
00:29:16You ought to try it.
00:29:17Try to do your work when your nipples won't keep going.
00:29:19You know why?
00:29:20Well, the right one's okay.
00:29:22The right one's asleep.
00:29:24But when I'm trying to work, the left one keeps humming something rude.
00:29:28I can't hear any words.
00:29:31But I know they're erotic.
00:29:33It's a smug little hum.
00:29:35I do something energetic.
00:29:37To make it shut up.
00:29:39But it just goes on humming.
00:29:41Be quite blessed if I wasn't trying to earn my living.
00:29:44It's the sort of thing that could be a little embarrassing.
00:29:46More awkward, you know?
00:29:46I mean, if it comes to Last Judgement, and we're all out of tombs, doing zombie walking.
00:29:55Into the gloom.
00:29:57I might see someone I don't really remember.
00:30:00Not the name, or the face, or anything whatever.
00:30:03And we'll be ancient and awful.
00:30:06With voices like dust.
00:30:09Three billion years old.
00:30:11And too old for a list.
00:30:13But I might see someone and say,
00:30:15Who are you?
00:30:17Because I think my left nipple remembers you.
00:30:20What?
00:30:23For a latest murder on the eemoth.
00:30:28You're looking for fence.
00:30:30Look at her!
00:30:32I'd never learn that again.
00:30:34Never, never, never!
00:30:36Never!
00:30:36But they'd love to.
00:30:38Yeah, and they all think I'm dyke.
00:30:40And I'll let them. Street crev, God, if it had any sense.
00:30:43We are what we are.
00:30:45I've never heard of intelligent choice.
00:30:50Sheila, have you got more?
00:30:52You, you, why don't you learn to think, eh?
00:30:55Why don't you make a connection to my brain just once?
00:30:59He's a nice guy. We have great times.
00:31:02I don't want anything more committed than we've got.
00:31:04So, what's the problem?
00:31:07There's no problem.
00:31:09Good.
00:31:11Gayle.
00:31:11That's the way I feel, isn't it?
00:31:13That's the way I feel.
00:31:16It's not that the guy's Richard Gere, is it?
00:31:18Oh.
00:31:20But he's gorgeous.
00:31:22He's old.
00:31:23He's my age.
00:31:23He's mature.
00:31:25No, he's not.
00:31:29Well, he has got flabby bits.
00:31:32Oh, the crucial bits.
00:31:34I don't want you to know this, Gayle.
00:31:36I walked into the room and I turned into a lust-filled.
00:31:40Pressure book at home.
00:31:41I start steaming and rattling my lid.
00:31:45What are you doing to me?
00:31:46I'm supposed to be a feminist.
00:31:48I despise you, do you know that?
00:31:49I despise you.
00:31:51I don't think that's a very healthy attitude, Gayle.
00:31:53I don't think it's a road problem.
00:31:59Oh, the soul.
00:32:05How have I got the nerve to get up and do this act?
00:32:09Oh, aye.
00:32:11Gayle Graham has no right to complain about low pay, lack of opportunity, violence against women.
00:32:16Because she's madly in lust with a middle-aged saxophonist.
00:32:19Oh, aye, sure.
00:32:20I see the connection.
00:32:21Can we do a look at the state of this place?
00:32:24They should get a proper cleaner.
00:32:26Nobody ever cleans this place except me.
00:32:28It's getting too much for me, Linda, I'm telling you.
00:32:30I don't know.
00:32:32I've just got no help with the cleaning.
00:32:33He's the barman.
00:32:34I reckon I should chuck him.
00:32:36I'm going to feel like this.
00:32:37I reckon I should just chuck him.
00:32:40I think he's beautiful.
00:32:43I have him.
00:32:44He's lovely.
00:32:46Oh, he is, isn't he?
00:32:48See?
00:32:49See?
00:32:49What are you doing to me?
00:32:52You can get a clean for it, you know.
00:32:56Trouble.
00:32:58Down there.
00:33:01Just go up to the doctor's bed.
00:33:03She'll sort you out.
00:33:05Life's not as simple, Sheila.
00:33:13Aye.
00:33:14Aye, as Gordon.
00:33:17Hello?
00:33:18Hi.
00:33:20Oh.
00:33:21Now, good to eat a ring back, Mr Mackenzie.
00:33:23Oh, he'll need to be phoned back.
00:33:25He's blightly held up.
00:33:27Who?
00:33:28Oh, no.
00:33:29No, stoned and jamming.
00:33:31He won't be back to planet Earth till four in the morning.
00:33:33We're all geared up being ready to go, Sheila.
00:33:35Look.
00:33:36Oh, I didn't know.
00:33:37Listen, Linda.
00:33:39You know that woman?
00:33:40What woman?
00:33:42Karen thingy.
00:33:43Who?
00:33:44Telly.
00:33:46Karen Telly.
00:33:47Are you being deliberately obtuse?
00:33:49Aye.
00:33:50Look, I rang her back and asked her.
00:33:52Linda!
00:33:56He's wearing a tie.
00:33:58That's great, Mr Mackenzie.
00:34:00No problem with that.
00:34:02I see what you mean exactly there.
00:34:04Aye.
00:34:05He's wearing a tie.
00:34:08On.
00:34:08Look, thanks again, Mr Mackenzie.
00:34:11Up.
00:34:17I'll bring the papers round directly after closing time.
00:34:20Thanks, sir.
00:34:24You going out, Gordon?
00:34:27There's going to be some changes in here.
00:34:30Let me tell you some changes.
00:34:31Aye, you're buying a shirt with lacy bits where you used to have here.
00:34:36You two ever think about changing your material?
00:34:39What's going on?
00:34:42We're going up market.
00:34:44Pfft!
00:34:44Know you, Tyler.
00:34:45That, you know.
00:34:47It's new management.
00:34:48It's a new atmosphere.
00:34:49It's a new clientele.
00:34:50Oh, can you spell clientele, Gordon?
00:34:52I can't.
00:34:53What's going on?
00:34:55I'm doing you a favour here, right?
00:34:57I mean, I'm helping you out here.
00:34:58This is a new regime.
00:35:01Now, that means it's a new act.
00:35:03It's mere bar breaks.
00:35:04It's mere gags.
00:35:05And no that stuff you do.
00:35:06Gives some jokes, eh?
00:35:08We're a comedy act, Gordon.
00:35:11We do jokes.
00:35:13But no that.
00:35:13I mean proper funny stuff.
00:35:16No, I mean belly laughs.
00:35:20Hello?
00:35:22Oh, hi.
00:35:23What's going on?
00:35:24Told you.
00:35:26A new management.
00:35:27A new clientele.
00:35:28Oh, where are you going to pit this clientele?
00:35:31No, no.
00:35:32Listen, it's great you could phone.
00:35:34Listen, I reckon.
00:35:35You can't go and preach and I'm like that.
00:35:37Right?
00:35:37You've got to be mere sophisticated.
00:35:39Oh, can you spell sophisticated Gordon?
00:35:41I can't you.
00:35:41Hey, hi.
00:35:42She's just here.
00:35:42I'll just get her.
00:35:43Listen, we are no changing our material.
00:35:45Hey, you're not doing that stuff in this bistro.
00:35:49Bistro?
00:35:49Linda, it's her.
00:35:51Hmm.
00:35:52Look, I'm really sorry.
00:35:53I've been trying to tell you.
00:35:54I told her just to get us here because then it wouldn't be like giving her your home number
00:35:57and I thought if you really didn't want to speak to her, I could just tell her to piss off.
00:36:01But Linda, it's her and she's got an offer for us and she wants to speak to you.
00:36:06Karen Tully!
00:36:07You two want to get your act together.
00:36:10And where else are you going to do your show if it's not here?
00:36:15Hey, you can't afford to be choosy.
00:36:19Oh, that's not too bad.
00:36:48Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:37:20Right, here's some telephone numbers, school, doctor, also what Paul will eat and what
00:37:26Wendy will eat and where you can go home if you want me in London.
00:37:31You don't want me to do this, do you?
00:37:34Eh?
00:37:37The DHSS might come round, so don't leave your toothbrush in a bath for me.
00:37:42OK.
00:37:44Just... just say you're here for the afternoon or say anything about...
00:37:47For God's sake, don't look as though you know you're round the place.
00:37:50I'm looking.
00:37:52I should've got one of that double bed.
00:37:54Don't look at that, they're gonna have my doll open before I can change the sheets.
00:37:57If I moved in, you wouldn't have a problem.
00:38:01Excuse me, I think I'm gonna go late.
00:38:03What?
00:38:05I'm gonna get them something to eat.
00:38:06I'll see you at the platform.
00:38:15Oh, yeah!
00:38:18Oh, it's all.
00:38:22Oh, yeah.
00:38:23Come on.
00:38:29Oh, yeah, wow.
00:38:31Huh, my dad!
00:38:32Oh, my dad!
00:38:33Oh, my dad!
00:38:33Oh, my dad!
00:38:34Oh!
00:38:34Oh, my dad!
00:38:35Oh, way!
00:38:35Oh, my dad, oh, my dad!
00:38:35Oh, my dad, oh, my dad.
00:38:36Oh, my dad, oh, that was...
00:38:36What is it?
00:38:46Paul, can you stay in the car for the bikes?
00:38:58Joel?
00:39:00Look, we're in the hill train. It's mental.
00:39:02It's mental.
00:39:06Knock him dead.
00:39:13Listen, don't you be good, eh?
00:39:18Be good.
00:39:19I'm sorry, dear.
00:39:20I am.
00:39:25We regret to announce
00:39:27that the 4.600 from Glasgow,
00:39:30the head of the Waverway,
00:39:32standing approximately 15 minutes late.
00:39:35At 3.4 and a slip.
00:39:38This is due to the bikes failure of Carolee.
00:39:41We apologize for the last chance,
00:39:44the lady in the country.
00:39:51We'll go away.
00:39:53We're going away!
00:39:55We're going away!
00:39:58We're going away!
00:39:59I must not care about it.
00:40:05Well,
00:40:07we're on our way.
00:40:10I mean, are you pleased about it? I mean, really?
00:40:15Aye.
00:40:19Aye, if it makes you happy.
00:40:51Do you want anything to eat? No.
00:40:54Oh, you couldn't use an alfalfa-sprout sandwich, could you? With tahini and gherkins.
00:41:01Green salad? Aye, great.
00:41:09Now, I think you're very original, at least in your style.
00:41:14Though I think you'll agree the material is a little dated.
00:41:18But very unusual, which is what we're looking for.
00:41:22So, we might be able to use some of your stuff.
00:41:26If you're still interested.
00:41:28We're interested.
00:41:43Right, well, let me explain the set-up.
00:41:46Um, we have a team of people already working on the show.
00:41:52Plus, another pool of people contributing stuff on spec, as it were.
00:41:57That would be where you would start off.
00:42:00So, I'm not in a position to make any definite offers.
00:42:03Let's be quite clear about that.
00:42:04But, if things worked out, you could be asked to contribute regularly, on a commission basis.
00:42:15Um, let me tell you the stuff I really liked.
00:42:35Oh, yes, that was...
00:42:37Oh, yes, that was...
00:42:40Yeah, yes.
00:42:41But it's an old story, though, isn't it?
00:42:43Ah, now, this stuff is lovely.
00:42:45I really like this.
00:42:47Oh, she wrote that. That's slim stuff.
00:42:51Well...
00:42:51It's certainly what we're looking for.
00:42:54Would it be possible to transpose it out of the Scots?
00:43:02But, uh...
00:43:03That's where we talk.
00:43:05I just don't think our performers will, um...
00:43:09Well...
00:43:10Well, there's no particular reason for making it, Scott.
00:43:12Well, performers.
00:43:14Yeah.
00:43:18We've got a great line-up, actually.
00:43:20A lot of the, um, Friday Night Live people.
00:43:28Of course, they'll all probably write some of their own stuff,
00:43:30but they will need a pool of outside material to fall back on.
00:43:34But, we thought we'd do this.
00:43:36This is our act. It's our material.
00:43:38I see.
00:43:42Well, I think, in that case,
00:43:44it's time you thought of turning your hand to some fresh materials.
00:43:47Uh, preferably not in Scots.
00:43:51Unless there's a crucial reason for having it in dialect.
00:43:55Where's the Lou?
00:44:07I didn't realise you'd written all this.
00:44:10Yeah.
00:44:11I do most of our stuff.
00:44:13Well, this is all I'm interested in.
00:44:16Sorry.
00:44:17That's the way it is.
00:44:24Listen.
00:44:26To tell you the truth, there will be an absolute dearth of female comedy writing on this show,
00:44:32and there's been no real attempt to seek it out.
00:44:36It's basically been down to me digging people like yourself out of the backwoods.
00:44:41So I'm...
00:44:42Well, I'm really sticking my neck out on this one, because I think it's important.
00:44:49I'm not saying the material you sent in was bad.
00:44:54But it is a very particular type of material, isn't it?
00:44:57And it's giving a message very directly.
00:45:02And quite frankly, it is a message a more sophisticated audience is utterly familiar with.
00:45:10But, at its best,
00:45:13what you're writing about is what all women have in common.
00:45:19All women.
00:45:21I just think it's important it gets her, that's all.
00:45:26Believe me,
00:45:27the producer on this one thinks Jermaine Greer is a Dutch cheese,
00:45:31and sheer height is a vertigo attack.
00:45:36Sheer what?
00:45:38Anyway.
00:45:40So,
00:45:42I'd like you to write a sign.
00:45:45I really would.
00:45:49I didn't like the herring goals.
00:45:51I'm sure they're very funny in context.
00:45:54But they won't fit in with his show.
00:45:56No.
00:45:58Some of this, though.
00:45:59Some of this we might slip by them.
00:46:05What...
00:46:07What would the money be like?
00:46:10Pay you for what we use.
00:46:12If you use it.
00:46:13Okay, yes.
00:46:18It's a chance, Linda.
00:46:20It's important to take it.
00:46:23You won't get money.
00:46:25You've got to go for it.
00:46:27Look.
00:46:29We all have to do this.
00:46:32You have to decide where your loyalties really are.
00:46:36This is good stuff.
00:46:38Women should hear it.
00:46:42So what compromises do you have to make
00:46:45in order to allow this to be heard?
00:46:52Good.
00:46:53Okay.
00:46:55If you can change it,
00:46:57I'll guarantee to you some of it.
00:47:02I promise.
00:47:04Okay?
00:47:12So what do you think?
00:47:14Look.
00:47:15Do you think we could get our train fare back for this?
00:47:17I mean, in cash, if that's okay?
00:47:25I don't believe this.
00:47:27This isn't happening to me.
00:47:29Come on, Luke.
00:47:30Let's try a further do now.
00:47:32Woo!
00:47:34There's no seats in there, Pat.
00:47:36It's the same ones, it is.
00:47:38What's going on?
00:47:39The whole British Army declared World War 3 in a 1-2-5.
00:47:41You think we're undone and we're thinking it right.
00:47:45It's the same ones, it is.
00:47:48Oh, listen to me.
00:47:54I don't believe this.
00:47:57It's the same ones, it is.
00:48:00I will listen, you.
00:48:01Any of you want to try the gag with the elephant, we've seen it.
00:48:04It's no funny and I've got steel caps on these monkeys.
00:48:06It's okay.
00:48:07It's fine.
00:48:07It's fine.
00:48:08It's fine.
00:48:09It's fine.
00:48:11Shit.
00:48:15So, you want to do it?
00:48:19What?
00:48:21I'll write her some stuff.
00:48:28It could.
00:48:29It could try.
00:48:32She doesn't want me.
00:48:34She doesn't want us.
00:48:36No.
00:48:40Sorry, Pat.
00:48:43Oh, no, it's your cell.
00:48:46Well done.
00:48:47I'd call that a hat trick.
00:49:11Hey, hey, hey.
00:49:12It's no workin', pal.
00:49:14Hey, hey, hey.
00:49:20Hey, listen.
00:49:21Tell me something.
00:49:23Do you used to know about these wee horses?
00:49:26You know, the wee plastic horses with hats and hair ribbons.
00:49:32My wee lass has been crying her eyes out for one of them.
00:49:36Six pounds, ninety-nine.
00:49:37I can't even pay the electric.
00:49:40What were you doing then, sir?
00:49:44It's washing flares.
00:49:47Hotel flares.
00:49:49Do you know what they were paying me?
00:49:53Pound an hour.
00:49:55Pound an hour, can you believe it?
00:49:58Why didn't they stick it?
00:50:01Wasn't having that.
00:50:04I'd just tell the man.
00:50:06Just tell him.
00:50:09You know what he says to me?
00:50:12What's that you're saying?
00:50:15What's that you're saying, Jimmy?
00:50:18Hey, Jimmy, he says.
00:50:20Like he thinks he's Russ's bloody habit.
00:50:24Talk English, he says.
00:50:28God.
00:50:33I'd have floored them, but where's the use?
00:50:37I needed the money.
00:50:41Walked up and down the Tottenham Court Road for two days.
00:50:46I'd have been there yet if this wee lassie hadn't given me a ticket home.
00:50:53Oh, smile she was.
00:50:56Well, no need it.
00:50:58I'm feeling lucky.
00:51:02Nice lassie.
00:51:04Fee breaking.
00:51:08She was the only person that talked to me the whole time I was doing there.
00:51:16Here.
00:51:18Here.
00:51:20Oh.
00:51:22Hi.
00:51:23That's her.
00:51:24That's her.
00:51:26See?
00:51:31I'm...
00:51:33I mean, I'm sending her the money back.
00:51:39Right when, you know...
00:51:51lucky.
00:51:55I should never have taken her offer.
00:52:00I was desperate.
00:52:07All right.
00:52:07I'll do it.
00:52:13All right.
00:52:15That's her.
00:52:30All right.
00:52:36God. A horse in a wedding dress. That's not how I put it.
00:53:01OK, OK, so you just pure hate men, right? So tell me. No, no, no, tell me. What are you
00:53:09going
00:53:09to do with this, eh? So tell me. I don't hate men. Look, that would be so bad.
00:53:14Simple. We could shoot the lot of you. Problem solved. See? What? She's just pure hate.
00:53:23Linda, tell him about it. Tell him about it. You always want the one.
00:53:33Right, it's beautiful. Oh, wait, wait, wait, she'll change screen a minute.
00:53:38She goes every time. I'm telling you, you try singing harmonies with this one.
00:53:45And she always forgets words. No, wait, that's huge. Because you know what I'm saying.
00:53:52You. Because you know what it is, don't you? You know what it is, can't you?
00:54:00Men are bastards. Oh, no. OK. Oh, Jim, I don't believe it. Oh, you're such a chute.
00:54:13Such a chute. Such a chute. Such a chute. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The wife, the
00:54:34wife will butter me.
00:54:35Oh, I'm Janet. Oh, no, no, no, no school so Sunday. Oh, no, no, no, no...
00:54:42What you're supposed to do to come in?
00:54:46Oh, I don't know what to write a book. Oh, I don't know what to write a book.
00:55:00Will I come back and see it?
00:55:05Hi, Ma.
00:55:05Hi there.
00:55:13What are you eating?
00:55:16Phil said I could.
00:55:24That...
00:55:26That's a colour telly.
00:55:28Phil got it so we could watch you when you were famous.
00:55:31Phil bought the chip supper with chocolate buttons.
00:55:35Mum, when are you going to get out?
00:55:37You've been having a great time when you were away, haven't you, kids?
00:55:40Yeah.
00:55:41When are you going away again, Mum?
00:55:43Mum, can we keep it there?
00:55:44Bath time, Wendy.
00:55:45Paul run her bath.
00:55:46Come on.
00:55:47On.
00:55:47Go on.
00:55:55Shall I give Wendy a bath?
00:55:56No, I'll do it.
00:55:57No, you're whacked.
00:55:58I just...
00:55:58No, I'll...
00:56:00I'll do it.
00:56:01In a minute.
00:56:09Oh, God.
00:56:12There's so much.
00:56:14I want me to put it down and make it funny.
00:56:21What do you want?
00:56:23Just tell me!
00:56:29I've been working really hard at this.
00:56:32Really hard.
00:56:34Do you know what that's like?
00:56:37Ten years of talking to yourself on the potato peelings and finally you get people to listen and laugh.
00:56:50There are no your kids, Phil.
00:56:52I don't care who's kids.
00:56:54No!
00:56:55It shouldn't matter.
00:56:58It doesn't matter.
00:57:02But...
00:57:05When their dad walked out, I was working full-time.
00:57:12I'd been a perfect wife and mum.
00:57:16Crippling myself at it.
00:57:18Failing at it.
00:57:20But that was all I did.
00:57:23That's all I had done for ten years.
00:57:30Yet I had to find something else to be.
00:57:32And that was hard.
00:57:37I'm nobody's perfect wife.
00:57:39I am nobody's perfect mum.
00:57:41I'm not asking you to marry me for Christ's sake.
00:57:45I just think if I moved in, we'd have so much easier time.
00:57:49We'd have a much better time.
00:57:51But we're okay!
00:57:54Just...
00:57:57Oh Phil, I am not ready to try and be a proper family again.
00:58:01I'm not fit for it.
00:58:02And I don't want it.
00:58:03I don't want that either.
00:58:04I want you.
00:58:13My independence is the only thing I've got.
00:58:18It is the only thing I've got to show for 37 years on this planet.
00:58:24No success, no money.
00:58:26Two kids and my independence.
00:58:29And that has got me worth something.
00:58:31That has got me worth something more than...
00:58:33Than having my rent paid.
00:58:36And what am I worth?
00:59:02I'm sorry.
00:59:05I'm sorry.
00:59:07Mommy!
00:59:10You know what everything is.
00:59:18I'll get the dough in, will I?
00:59:47Joe.
00:59:49Uh-huh.
00:59:51Do you think I'm good?
00:59:56Good at what?
00:59:58Hey, you're shaking.
01:00:01Why are you shaking?
01:00:03Shut up, he.
01:00:04The act.
01:00:07Oh, why?
01:00:08I don't know.
01:00:10I've not actually seen you, but I'm sure.
01:00:14Look, I'll try and make it next time I don't have a gig.
01:00:18Where are you going to do it now?
01:00:36If you promise not to talk, have a good brother, promise not to perform, will you?
01:00:42Do you reckon all the performances are just the funny ones?
01:00:46God, you know that's asking for it.
01:00:50Oh, Sheila, Sheila.
01:00:52Poor dudes.
01:00:54You're not going to pretend to be Burks, are you?
01:00:57No.
01:00:58We'll need the little stuff.
01:01:00Just try to help.
01:01:02Have any fucking shoes, ma'am?
01:01:04No.
01:01:14Gordon.
01:01:16You want to hear your stars?
01:01:18Aye, okay.
01:01:19Captain, go.
01:01:20See what's me.
01:01:21Gordon, did I get any phone calls?
01:01:23This is one week where you will safely let your heart roll your head.
01:01:29Watch out for family problems.
01:01:32But Wednesday could see new love coming into your life.
01:01:36And on Friday, everything you touch will turn to gold.
01:01:41New love, eh?
01:01:43A bit like going mad, eh?
01:01:45Anybody phone?
01:01:46Oh, girl, girl, I took a call.
01:01:49Joe, is it?
01:01:49Said he couldn't make it.
01:02:00Paul, stay here.
01:02:04Oh, I don't know.
01:02:05See all these folk there say they'll babysit any time?
01:02:08Aye, where are they on a Saturday night?
01:02:10I don't need a babysitter.
01:02:11Aye, well, listen.
01:02:12You have got to stay with your wee sister.
01:02:14Are you listening now?
01:02:15Do you know to run away and play with the machines?
01:02:18I suppose that's what it all comes down to, eh?
01:02:21If I'd let my head rule my heart,
01:02:25I'd have hung on for a millionaire.
01:02:27Evening, girls.
01:02:29Aye, well, if we could all pay our own rent,
01:02:31there'd be no problem with that, Wendy.
01:02:34I hate you.
01:03:04That's one thing we just cannae sought out.
01:03:07What?
01:03:09Love, darling.
01:03:11Love.
01:03:18See you later.
01:03:20Bye.
01:03:22Nice customers in the night, Gordon, eh?
01:03:26I can't wait for tonight to end.
01:03:34Don't fret.
01:03:35I'll keep an eye on them.
01:03:36Have a look at mine.
01:03:37Me too.
01:03:38I'll get it.
01:03:39I'll get it.
01:03:46Poor Saul.
01:03:48Poor Saul.
01:03:50Poor Saul.
01:03:51Gordon.
01:03:53That lassie's just a wee flirt.
01:03:56She's a sweet lassie, but she's a wee flirt.
01:03:59Oh, she like a moan.
01:04:02She doesnae fancy Gordon.
01:04:04Who would?
01:04:07Poor Saul.
01:04:10It's this way.
01:04:14Bye.
01:04:24Why am I still doing this to myself?
01:04:36Do you fancy me, Gordon?
01:04:40Eh?
01:04:41This.
01:04:42Do you want this?
01:04:44What kind of question is that?
01:04:45A straight one.
01:04:47So how's about it?
01:04:49Oh, come on, Gordon.
01:04:51It's a bargain offer.
01:04:52Anyone can have it.
01:04:53Oh, you've got to say yeah.
01:04:55What's it worth?
01:04:56You can have it.
01:04:57Why not?
01:04:58Oh, come on.
01:05:01Gordon.
01:05:10What are you doing?
01:05:30Oh, I'm very depressed, Linda.
01:05:35Oh, shit.
01:05:37Oh, shit.
01:05:38I'm no good.
01:05:40I'm no good.
01:05:41I'm no good.
01:05:42I'm no good.
01:05:42What am I doing for?
01:05:46It's pathetic.
01:05:47I don't want to be this.
01:05:49I don't want to feel this.
01:05:51I'm supposed to be a feminist.
01:05:52I'm supposed to be a feminist.
01:05:53I'm just nothing.
01:05:54Oh, darling.
01:06:10I don't want to be a feminist.
01:06:12Sporty ducks, every day, all dinner you fash yourself, you're going to do it aren't you, you're going to write
01:06:27stuff for that Karen
01:06:38I already have
01:06:57and I wanted to
01:06:59I thought
01:07:10I'll make it sophisticated
01:07:13I'll make it English
01:07:17I'll make it subtle
01:07:19so nobody can see what we're saying
01:07:22I'll make it all the things she wanted and I'll make a good little pile of cash, you know
01:07:35What do you think?
01:07:38Well it's
01:07:41I don't
01:07:42No
01:07:43It's just
01:07:44It's just
01:07:47You and me
01:07:51That's all that makes it work
01:07:55That's all that works for me
01:07:59Great
01:08:02So we're both shy
01:08:03We're both doomed
01:08:05Oh Gail
01:08:06Is Phil coming tonight?
01:08:13Oh Linda
01:08:16What have we got left?
01:08:20Nothing
01:08:21This place
01:08:22This is it
01:08:25Oh
01:08:27Thanks very much
01:08:28Settled in everybody
01:08:32Hey
01:08:34Thanks very much
01:08:35Settled in
01:08:36Settled in
01:08:37Settled in
01:08:38Shhh
01:08:39Thanks very much
01:08:40Yeah right
01:08:41I'd like to welcome you
01:08:42Here tonight
01:08:43And thanks for turning
01:08:45Turning up
01:08:46And eh
01:08:46Gordon
01:08:47Come on Gordon
01:08:48Eh
01:08:50Eh
01:08:50There's a couple of laches going to come on just noon
01:08:53And they're
01:08:54They're going to entertain
01:08:58Hello
01:08:59I'm Linda Mackay
01:09:00And I'm Gail Graham
01:09:01And we are
01:09:01Hey
01:09:04Hey
01:09:05Hey
01:09:06What's going on?
01:09:08Well
01:09:08Mummy
01:09:10Wendy
01:09:10If I'm a herring gull
01:09:12I've never been a herring gull
01:09:14Why can I need that?
01:09:16Right come on Linda
01:09:17Paul
01:09:18No
01:09:18Come on
01:09:19Stop
01:09:20Stop
01:09:20Stop
01:09:20Stop
01:09:20Stop
01:09:21Stop
01:09:21Stop
01:09:24Stop
01:09:26Stop
01:09:26Stop
01:09:48Right
01:09:49Not
01:09:49I don't like that. I don't like that, please.
01:09:53Oh, darling, darling, darling.
01:09:55We will never go back into a place like that again, I promise.
01:09:59Okay, so where do we go then, eh? Where do we go?
01:10:04Paul, teachers have struck the road.
01:10:06Weed to the corner.
01:10:08Paul!
01:10:13It's no worth this, Kate.
01:10:17There's no worth all this.
01:10:19What are we worth?
01:10:20Better than this!
01:10:26What's the use?
01:10:27What's the use? We're not even funny, are we?
01:10:30You thought I was a real giggle, eh?
01:10:32Thank you, very amusing.
01:10:33It's a good thing you're funny because we're not, are we?
01:10:36Some things.
01:10:37Of course.
01:10:38Some things you are.
01:10:40What?
01:10:40Funny.
01:10:42We are.
01:10:43Aye, some things.
01:10:46We're funny.
01:10:48He thinks we're funny.
01:10:50Oh, come on, it's a sign.
01:10:52It's a bloody omen.
01:10:53We've got to get back in there.
01:10:55Yeah, we've got to go.
01:10:56Oh, ma'am!
01:10:59Oh, I want to stay and see the kids too.
01:11:03What a palaver, eh?
01:11:06Here, Linda, I'll take the kids.
01:11:08Better keep them in the back, eh?
01:11:09Do you want me back at the kids?
01:11:11No, you're going to be a certain friendly guy.
01:11:13Listen to Wendy.
01:11:14She only gets one after her tea.
01:11:16Oh, if you kissed, they'll no do her any harm.
01:11:19Come on, girls.
01:11:20Get your skates on.
01:11:21Your pamphlets, mate.
01:11:32They won't want us.
01:11:34They haven't heard us.
01:11:36You think they'll listen?
01:11:40So why do it?
01:11:42They might.
01:11:43Someone might.
01:11:44Oh, so you want to stand up in there
01:11:47in front of an audience of alternative lager fans
01:11:49who think that politics is the boring bits in telling
01:11:52and feminism is something that grannies were into.
01:11:54Oh, come on.
01:11:55You want me to stand in there and say,
01:11:57Hi, we're the Feminist Double Act
01:11:59and we're going to pretend to be bunks.
01:12:01Yeah.
01:12:05We'll die.
01:12:08Oh, my boy.
01:12:20Yeah!
01:12:28Well, what I want to know is, if I'm a herring girl
01:12:31and if I'm even a herring girl,
01:12:33well, why can I need to stand fish?
01:12:35You ever tired of it somatic ketchup?
01:12:37What am I supposed to do that?
01:12:39Oh, bugger with instincts.
01:12:41She's the tartar sauce.
01:12:51Well, what's the time
01:12:53Well, what's the time
01:12:55When they used to say
01:12:57They used to say
01:12:59They're behind every great man
01:13:02And there had to be a herring woman
01:13:06And here's time to change
01:13:09We know that it's not alone, the truth
01:13:13So we're coming out of the kitchen
01:13:16Cause there's something we've got to say to you
01:13:20The sisters are doing it for themselves
01:13:27Standing on your own two feet
01:13:30And bringing our good old man
01:13:46And bringing our good old man
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