- 7 hours ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S04 Ep3 Jubliee
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:35I'd like to do something for the Royal Jubilee.
00:39Some little act of personal celebration.
00:43Why don't they jump?
00:46Oh!
00:47The Royal people realise that you're doing this for the Jubilee.
00:52Might they not think that you're just hitting him with your hat?
00:55It's ridiculous, really.
00:57He's the only one I ever want to hit with my hat.
01:00I don't know why.
01:02Unless it's because I haven't got a brick in my hand.
01:04It's a bit of a drag, isn't it?
01:06Coming all the way up here to get your head thumped.
01:09It's when you've made the effort and climbed all the way up here.
01:12When you see the world laid out beneath your feet,
01:15you wonder why you ever left the sandwiches on the kitchen table.
01:27I wonder why they call it Plaster of Paris.
01:30When I broke my arm, they got mine from a cupboard in Huddersfield.
01:35I like it.
01:38What?
01:39Plaster of Huddersfield.
01:41Oh, don't encourage him.
01:43Just let him lie there quietly, making all the creepy crawlers go.
01:45Eugh!
01:47Where would you go if you had money?
01:50To sleep for five minutes.
01:52I'd like to see Leningrad.
01:56Leningrad?
01:57What's wrong with Leningrad?
01:59Well, it's in Russia.
02:00That's what's wrong with Leningrad.
02:02Oh, my God.
02:03Does this mean that all these weeks I've been passing my humbugs to a communist?
02:06Stop speaking about, Foggy.
02:09Lie down.
02:11I'm taking it very calmly.
02:13Oh, for goodness sake, Combo.
02:15Will you reassure him that you have not been passing his humbugs on to Moscow?
02:20Word of honour.
02:23Comrade.
02:25Relax, Foggy.
02:26You have not been supplying comforts in the field for the forces of the Warsaw Pact.
02:31Get down.
02:33Phew.
02:35Hey, did you know Rasputin came from Chesterfield?
02:38I always think Russia must be rather like living in the cold store of a co-op.
02:44I bet they got their own bigger and better humbugs any road.
02:49What?
02:51People's Democratic Humbugs!
02:54Can you hear that, man?
02:56I should think they could hear you in Moscow, Foggy.
02:59I'm trying to get a snooze.
03:01I have no patience with people who deny the superiority of British boiled sweets.
03:10Why Leningrad?
03:12I fancied Stalingrad, really, but they changed the name.
03:18I couldn't find it on the map.
03:21Have you been studying maps of Russia?
03:23Down the library.
03:25Education is a wonderful thing.
03:30I wouldn't get away with that in Russia, you know.
03:32Siberia's full of people who couldn't keep their fingers still.
03:35It's a great language for swearing in.
03:38I mean, even muttering Vladivostok in certain pubs round here could get your head invited into a vice-like grip.
03:47Well, the Russians need a great language for swearing in, don't they?
03:51With what was that so much worth swearing at?
03:53I went to a council meeting once and asked for a race course.
03:57Didn't do me much good, though.
04:00I think it's about time we had a revolution.
04:03When Arthur Scargill's got his face on everything except the coinage, don't you think we've had one?
04:08The trouble with these revolutions in the name of freedom is how soon they make it compulsory for everybody.
04:21May I remind you that this is Jubilee Year?
04:30What's up with him?
04:34He looks to me like the exit of a man of principle.
04:38Righteousness seems to give people this funny walk.
04:42Well, looks like he's gone then.
04:45Clutching his own bugs.
04:48I think you've just restructured your image in his eyes.
04:56Did I think about that?
04:58He used to think of you as scruffy, but politically apathetic.
05:05And how does he see me now?
05:08Vanessa Redgrave.
05:11You cheeky.
05:12You cheeky.
05:12Oh, my God.
06:00Továč, musí písky.
06:12Továč, musí písky.
06:14Továč, musí písky.
06:31Továč, musí písky.
06:34Továč, musí písky.
06:37Továč, musí písky.
06:40Vyáč, musí písky, musí písky.
06:43Russian dance. Oh, I was watching you, you know, and you were making what we in the army used to
06:47call in technical violence a right rickid. And do you know why? I bet he thinks you can't do it
06:53because you weren't self-supporting. Oh, my knee went. Of course your knee went. And do you know
06:59why your knee went in a Russian dance? Because you've got true blue English legs. Oh, rubbish!
07:07Not rubbish. What's he talking about? I think he's trying to tell you that your legs are
07:12conservative. What, both of them? There is nothing about my anatomy that belongs to Maggie Thatcher.
07:26Your legs are English. You may have a head stuffed full of Russian rubbish, but when it comes to the
07:32crunch... And my crunch isn't Tory either. When it comes to the crunch, you have legs that refuse to
07:39be dragooned into any kind of Soviet terpsichore. Your legs are true blue English.
07:49Well, it's the duty of every patriotic Englishman in this jubilee year to offer his services to
07:53whatever local celebrations are being planned. Besides, we've nothing else to do. I was going
07:59to bake. I'm not going to church. I don't have to go to church. Then what are we going to
08:04see the vicar for?
08:05Well, because he's in charge of several of the local jubilee events.
08:10Oh, smarten yourself up a bit. You look like a second-hand brillo pad.
08:17You know, I bet you end up in church.
08:27You've got a bad conscience? No. I bet you wish you'd gone straight home more often now,
08:33instead of loitering with intent around Audrey Singleton.
08:38Good day, madam. We'd like to see the vicar.
08:42Oh, gracious. Just one moment and I'll see if there's anything in the poor box.
08:48Oh, no, madam. We've come to volunteer our services for the jubilee in any suitable capacity.
08:54Oh, dear. I'm really more in my element with the mother's union.
08:58Oh, that's got a poor box, then, eh?
09:06Oh!
09:16Did you just see the vicar, madam?
09:18Yes. Yes. Do come in where it's warm.
09:21Can you manage the steps?
09:23He's in the rudest of health, madam.
09:28Great little chap.
09:35You can wait in here. My husband won't be long.
09:39He's a very busy man, you know, and he lost a virgin last week.
09:45He's such a lot to do.
09:52He has someone with him at the moment.
09:55A fertilizer representative.
09:58I'm sure that's what he said.
10:00A fertilizer representative.
10:08Brave little chap.
10:10There's chairs all around you.
10:14Oh, yes. Jolly useful arrangement.
10:16Please sit down. Let me take your stick.
10:19Thank you, friend.
10:20Hurt and...
10:21Oh!
10:24Chairs.
10:32Why don't you come and make yourself comfy in this chair?
10:36What's wrong with that one? Sit down.
10:38Oh! Oh!
10:40Oh!
10:40Is he all right?
10:41Obviously in fine condition, madam.
10:46So that's where it's been.
10:49Please sit down.
10:51It's the Wednesdays.
10:53I like this.
10:54Just a few of them.
11:02Gerald really works far too hard.
11:06And the roof is always a problem.
11:11Oh, have you ever been depressed by a roof?
11:13Oh, no, I...
11:15And, of course, it becomes more and more difficult to find anyone to ring the bells.
11:22No.
11:24If it wasn't for Mrs. Crabtree, I really don't know what we'd do.
11:27Oh, so that's where it's been.
11:39Oh, thank you.
11:41Thank you so much.
11:45It's the tea and buns, you know.
11:47The interminable tea and buns.
11:51Come and sit down.
11:53You feel such a fool clutching a strange doorknob.
11:56It just leapt into me hand.
11:58It's the internal tea and buns, I know.
12:01It's the internal tea and buns and the vicar's lofted verger.
12:07And there's no one to ring me bells.
12:09No one at all.
12:11Shut it.
12:12Will you bring you here to show me up here?
12:14Sit down.
12:16I want none of your Leningrad practices here.
12:22No.
12:23Sure.
12:25Life's a real rave up in the Church of England, isn't it?
12:29I wonder if the churches will go self-service.
12:33Huh?
12:35Not everything else has.
12:38And all the churches are busy dismantling their history,
12:42breaking their necks to find some modern image.
12:47But what if it turns out to be a graven image?
12:51Now, if I was God, I'd be leaning very heavily on some of these racy modern ideas.
12:58And then, of course, if I was God, I wouldn't have a black plastic knife.
13:02I don't believe in him.
13:04Oh, you mustn't say that in here.
13:07You heard her on about the roof.
13:09That's not going to stop anything.
13:14Look, we're only waiting to see the vicar.
13:17Now, you believe in him, don't you?
13:19Ah, well, I've seen him.
13:22Isn't it marvellous?
13:24Can't believe in the supreme power of the universe,
13:26but has no difficulty in believing that his fairy godmother lives behind the counter at the National Assistance.
13:34I don't believe in the supreme power of the universe.
13:36I don't believe in the supreme power of the universe.
13:37The old dope.
13:40Oops.
13:47Now do you believe in him?
13:52That's not him.
13:53Is he?
13:54Well, he didn't look like anybody from round here.
13:57Oh, yes, sir.
13:58Wearing his sword in a very unsoldierly fashion, I thought.
14:01Ah, that was somebody dressed up.
14:03I bet that's what they all say when they've seen some supernatural vision.
14:07I bet God gets right fed up of laying on some spectacular event
14:13when all he hears is some unimaginative twonk saying,
14:16I bet that was somebody all dressed up.
14:19That was an imposter.
14:20He didn't carry himself like a military man.
14:23I don't like him from Cooper Street.
14:25Well, I think it was a warning.
14:27Wearing his nom de plume.
14:30Look, I don't find it at all surprising.
14:32Among all the ranks of angels and cherubs that God could cause to appear here in this vicarage,
14:38there would very probably be one just like him from Cooper Street.
14:42Rubbish!
14:43Wearing his nom de plume.
14:44And sing entire yellow ribbon round the old oak tree?
14:47Very badly.
14:48Which is exactly how you'd expect an angel that's suddenly earthbound to sing it.
14:53Earthbound?
14:53He sounded egg-bound.
14:56That's why I don't know who he was,
14:57but I never like to hear a serviceman singing popular songs while in uniform.
15:01He weren't no angel.
15:03He said,
15:03Oops!
15:04Who's ever heard an angel saying oops?
15:06And it weren't a ghost either.
15:08He was sorry.
15:08They heard him clank when he came in.
15:10That exhibition of his about term was one of the sloppiest he's ever been my misfortune to witness.
15:15Now, whoever he is, the man is a novice in military arts.
15:18Advertising.
15:19I didn't care very much for the lack of shine on his ball drink either.
15:23I bet you were advertising so much.
15:26Build your own dungeon.
15:28No, like the soapy sudsman. I've seen the soapy sudsman.
15:31It doesn't look as though your neck has for some time.
15:34I've seen it lately. It's filthy.
15:35My neck is that colour naturally.
15:37Well, naturally, if you always give it a miss.
15:40And the soapy sudsman, he wears these long white silk stockage, you see,
15:44and his body is covered in this big box of detergent.
15:49I saw him once in Huddersfield.
15:50The soapy sudsman comes from Huddersfield.
15:53Ah, and when I saw him in Huddersfield, I thought,
15:56Hello, hello. Who's this stupid grape twilight?
16:03Oh, not you, vicar.
16:04Oh, you wish to see me?
16:08Yes, to offer our services, Padre.
16:12In any suitable capacity.
16:16For the jubilee.
16:19Can he?
16:20Oh, have no fear, Padre. No, he's quite sound. He can perform any simple manual task.
16:25Hey!
16:26What about my back?
16:27Yes, well, I myself am quite willing to accept any amount of supervisory responsibility.
16:32Well, I did hear that there were some defectors from the pageant committee.
16:36Could you attend a meeting this evening?
16:38Sorry, it's my domino night.
16:42I've just changed my domino night.
16:45I'll have them there, Padre. Leave it to me.
16:48Oh, splendid. Well, that really has rather taken a weight off my shoulders.
17:09You never take me dancing any more.
17:12You've got my mitchy's thingy.
17:14You always find plenty of time to play golf.
17:18You know, you used to do the most lovely velita.
17:26What, will you keep your voice down?
17:29It is down.
17:30Well, it's not down far enough.
17:32Well, would you rather I spoke with a squeaky little voice?
17:36Let me hear it. Try now.
17:38I'm not going to rush into any decision as important as that.
17:41Oh, you rotten devil!
17:48When are you going to look at me sink?
17:51Any time you can arrange to sink, love, I'll gladly come and have a look.
17:59You think more of your golf than you do me, but you'll be sorry.
18:26You know, I'll be sorry.
18:35it won't hurt you to give up an evening we don't even know what they want us to do it
18:39doesn't
18:40matter what they want us to do a volunteer's a volunteer unless foggy he happens to be associated
18:45with you in which case the things that happen to him tend to fall more into the category of
18:51conscription it's just that it happens to come naturally to me to assume the role of decision
18:55maker lend us a couple of quid foggy out of the question he made that decision fast enough didn't
19:00he well it looks like the work of the giant golf moth by exit there's married a powerful determined
19:14last don't sit there thinking i'm exceptionally brave he's so modest with it you're the old
19:20butle and you're charged because everyone else seems to be doing it next thing you know you're
19:24married to something not unlike the herman goring division i miss you bugle it's all right for you
19:31your war finished in 45 my beggar we're only just starting are the lead still playing
19:44all right come on queenie get the purse out see there's no move for giving credit
19:52what's the date the fourth right 40s 5p he's up again balancing his budget
20:04it's budget you little goblin not budget i prefer it his way balancing is budget i like it one has
20:12visions of the chancellor of the exchequer covered in tiny feathers and little blobs
20:25i'm just going around to mavis's to see if she can fit me in as soon as we close i
20:30shan't be a minute
20:34oh my god that's done it she's going to get her hair done what's wrong with having her hair done
20:39it
20:40means she's got plans for getting me out dancing and dancing she wouldn't she would all time the
20:47rotten velita oh i could just pick it up at the golf club what are all my mates gonna say
20:51it's true sid if
20:52the word gets around that you're doing the velita you might as well join gay lib don't worry sid other
21:01people dads just because that does the felita it doesn't mean they're forced to think that you've
21:07gone all fluffy handbags i wouldn't bet on it though look why don't you try not shaving for a couple
21:14of
21:14days and wear a dirty shirt after all he's been doing it for years and nobody thinks easy feminine
21:19that's true but i've got a very butch way of moving especially when it's your turn to pay
21:27no it's simply he can come with us to help the vicar out another volunteer for the queen's jubilee
21:33celebrations even ivy couldn't drag him away from that
21:43you can't see that portrait up there that's got to come down as well we're not bumping all the way
21:50left off there but we'll put these humans up and you're taking them to stroke over good good good
21:54make sure that everything's out of that hole will you i want a clean sweep making them up
21:58before the night's house we're going with them cheers they've got to go on the counter
22:02has anyone seen mr danby's walking just a minute i'll be with you in a minute
22:05hang on can you keep that down a bit please because we can't be alone before we see it we
22:10can't
22:10leave those in the yard will you and tell mrs templum we've found the string
22:14mr danby's walking stick their string has been found folks please keep your ears peeled for
22:20for a walking stick
22:24no no no no no no they'll stay in leave them in love
22:32isn't it marvellous there's always some bossy idiot who tries to take charge
22:36he's obviously got no managerial skill foggy don't let's have a mutiny before we've even got going
22:42let's just start at the bottom on this one occasion shall we
22:46the new recruits
22:47thank goodness need more people who matter war
22:50oh can any of you drive a tractor
22:51uh well uh
22:55oh never mind i'll find you a driver
22:59what are we doing
23:00he has a clue
23:02well does it really matter so long as it's for the queen
23:17ready crew members come along come along we're late
23:33hello sailor
23:34hello sailor
23:47hello sailor
24:05What does it matter what we do, he says?
24:07As long as it's for the Queen.
24:11Can I have Jolly Jack Tar?
24:18I think Jolly Jack Tar seems a bit upset, Foggy.
24:22Well, if he knocked him escape from trouble at home, you'd think he'd have a kind word to say.
24:25Well, he was muttering some kind of word.
24:28I don't think I can express it.
24:30Oh, is it?
24:30That sounded like it.
24:33Can I have the rest of you on the decks and in the rigging?
24:35Admiral, could you stand prominently on the front?
24:38Bows.
24:44We're not going out in public like this, are we?
24:55It's fine, isn't it?
24:57I couldn't realise that ships were so fine.
25:01Oh, look, stop complaining, will you?
25:03Come aboard.
25:04Do great und siebenleid.
25:06Swallow!
25:12Steady, steady.
25:14Don't drop the pole.
25:20Livia?
25:22What are you doing?
25:23Nothing, dear.
25:24Come over here quickly.
25:26You'll have to drive.
25:27Oh, I...
25:29I don't know whether I could, dear.
25:36I'd love to try.
25:39Oh, bless you, Lydia.
25:41I want you to drive round the corner
25:43and I shall be waiting round there
25:45to get the full effect of this little tableau
25:47as you come round.
26:07You've got it, Lydia.
26:09Spot on, old thing.
26:11Just give me a second to get round the corner
26:13then wheel them round.
26:15After we've had this rehearsal
26:16they can help with our fundraising drive.
26:33Go, go, go, Lydia.
26:36Stand back, Miss Hooper.
26:37The Navy's on its way.
26:39They're coming round now.
26:40The old wooden walls, hearts of oak.
26:42God bless them.
26:54I want more of the spirit of Trafalgar.
26:58I want more of the spirit of Trafalgar.
27:14I want more.
27:21I want more.
27:27All right.
27:36God bless you.
27:38God bless you.
28:04Where's that boy, Cheat?
28:06Dancing!
28:11Come on! Don't just stand there!
28:14Let's help!
28:15You know, it must be very hard for vicar's wives to believe in religion.
28:34When you're married to the salesman, you tend to learn all the snags in the product.
28:39I wonder what the hell puts on my gravestone?
28:43Something very heavy, I think.
28:47What would you like on it?
28:49Somebody else's name!
28:50Ah!
29:02Mrs Bradley might be investigating her own death at nine tonight, but next here on drama, a vagrant becomes a
29:10cuckoo for Sykes.