00:02the smart home trapped me i have come to the conclusion that the universe is actively trying
00:09to test my patience through everyday objects it started a few weeks ago when i decided to upgrade
00:14my life and get a smart lock for my front door the marketing promise was beautiful never lose
00:21your keys again total security welcome to the future what they do not tell you is that you
00:27are outsourcing your freedom to a piece of software that updates whenever it feels like it
00:32two nights ago i ordered some late night food i saw the delivery guy walking up the driveway on my
00:39phone camera i went to open the door and the lock made the sad electronic beep sound a red light
00:47started flashing my phone buzzed with a notification that said firmware update installation in progress
00:54estimated time remaining 14 minutes do not open the door so now i am trapped inside my own house
01:02staring through the peephole at the delivery guy he is standing there holding a bag of burgers looking
01:07at me and i am looking at him i cannot open the door if i force it the security system
01:14will assume i am
01:15an intruder and call the police i am not trying to explain to a swat team that i broke into
01:20my own
01:20home for a double cheeseburger i had dl through a solid wood door i shouted hey man i cannot open
01:27the door my house is downloading a patch the delivery guy just looked confused and yelled back what i
01:35shouted my door is updating just leave the food on the porch he looked at the burger looked at the
01:40door shrugged set it down and backed away slowly like he was leading a ransom drop i am standing there
01:46watching the progress bar on my phone hit 85 suddenly a massive raccoon wanders onto the porch
01:54it walks right up to the bag i start banging on the glass next to the door screaming trying to
02:01scare it away the smart lock detects the vibration thinks it is an official security breach and triggers
02:06the automated voice system the door literally speaks to the raccoon in a calm british robot voice
02:13saying please step away from the perimeter the raccoon did not care at all it looked right at the
02:20camera grabbed the bag of burgers and walked off into the night at exactly that moment my phone chirps
02:27update complete welcome home the door unlocks i walk out to an empty porch we used to lock doors with
02:34simple pieces of metal now i am getting outsmarted by a trash panda because my house needed to reboot
02:41its security protocols since my smart lock situation made me feel completely powerless in my own home
02:48i decided i needed to take control of my life and get healthy i made the mistake of signing up
02:54for a
02:54free seven-day trial at a high-tech gym down the street that was a massive error in judgment you
03:01do not
03:01just sign up anymore you have to download their app sync your biometric data and answer a 40-minute quiz
03:08about your fitness goals one question literally asked me what is your relationship with sweat
03:14my relationship with sweat is that it happens when i run out of breath walking up a single flight of
03:20stairs that is the whole relationship i go to the gym for my first session the front door does not
03:27even
03:27have a handle it has a retina scanner i look into the laser it beeps and a digital screen says
03:33welcome
03:34creator today we conquer i did not want to conquer anything i just wanted to use a treadmill for 20
03:41minutes because my doctor looked at my recent blood work and sighed i get to the treadmill area and the
03:47machine does not have a start button it has an artificial intelligence trainer built into the screen named
03:53jacks jacks does not look like a trainer he looks like a superhero who only eats compressed protein powder
03:59and judgment jacks looks at me and says let us test your baseline immediately the treadmill starts moving
04:07at a speed that i am pretty sure is illegal in most residential zones i am sprinting for my absolute
04:14life
04:14my phone which is automatically synced to the machine starts vibrating violently in my pocket
04:21my smartwatch screen flashes an emergency message saying warning elevated heart rate have you fallen
04:28i am screaming at my wrist yes i am falling tell jacks to stop the machine but jacks does not
04:35stop
04:36jacks looks at me through the screen and says pain is just weakness leaving the body no jacks pain is
04:44my
04:44knee joint crying for mercy i finally found the plastic emergency stop clip yanked it out and flew off the
04:52back of the treadmill onto a random yoga mat i lay there for five full minutes the gym staff did
04:59not even
04:59check to see if i had a pulse one guy just walked past dropped a green juice next to my
05:04head and whispered
05:06respect the journey i survived to the gym i got back home and then i realized they had already charged
05:13my credit card 150 for a premium platinum vip initiation fee for a free trial i called customer
05:21service but you cannot talk to a human being anymore humans are a premium feature now if you want to
05:28talk
05:28to a person you probably have to upgrade your subscription level instead i got connected to a
05:34chatbot named spark the text box pops up saying hi i am spark your virtual helper how can i make
05:41your day
05:41magical today i typed back you can refund my 150 dollars spark replies i see you are interested in
05:51our platinum weight loss journey would you like to add the daily kale protein boost to your account
05:56for only 29.99 i typed no refund my money agent let me talk to a person spark replies i
06:05am sorry i did
06:07not catch that did you mean i love kale i was losing my mind i started typing random capital letters
06:14and
06:15angry emojis just to break the artificial intelligence's brain i typed delete account now
06:21fire jacks refund extra juice the chatbot went silent for a few seconds then it replied i understand
06:29you are experiencing frustration please hold while i transfer you to our escalated resolution specialist
06:36i thought to myself finally a real person who can solve this a new chat box pops up on my
06:43screen
06:44it said hi i am nova the escalated resolution virtual helper how can i make your day magical today
06:51they just transferred me to a chatbot with a more aggressive name nova is just spark wearing a dark mode
06:59interface i ended up having to call my bank report my own credit card as stolen by a rogue gym
07:06and now i can
07:07never go within five feet of that building again because i am pretty sure jacks is tracking my biometrics
07:14through the local satellite network because i had to cancel my credit card due to the gym incident i had
07:21to go to the grocery store with actual physical cash remember cash it feels like monopoly money now
07:28i go to the self-checkout because the regular lines with human cashiers are wrapped completely around
07:35the store i only have three items a loaf of bread some eggs and a single banana it should be
07:43a simple
07:4310 second process the self-checkout machine was already judging me the screen says place your item in
07:50the bagging area i scan the bread and place it down the machine immediately yells unexpected item in
07:58bagging area i look at the screen it is bread it is the exact bread i just scanned i pick
08:04up the bread
08:05the machine says item removed from bagging area please return item to bagging area i am now playing
08:14an intense game of peekaboo with a cash register i put the bread down it yells at me i pick
08:20it up
08:20it begs for it back the people in line behind me are staring i look like i am trying to
08:27smuggle
08:27contraband carbohydrates out of the supermarket then i try to scan the single banana there is no
08:33barcode on a banana you have to look it up manually on the touch screen you have to type in
08:39the word
08:39banana but the machine's keyboard is lagging horribly i type the letter b and nothing happens i type the
08:49letter b again suddenly the system registers all the delayed taps at once the screen flashes a warning
08:56message saying total for 44 bananas 38 dollars the machine starts flashing a bright yellow light
09:03a loud voice blares across the entire front of the store saying assistance is on the way please wait for
09:09an associate the store associate walks over she looks like she has not slept since the previous
09:15year and she looks at me looks at my single banana and then looks at the screen that claims i
09:22am trying
09:22to purchase an entire tropical plantations worth of fruit she does not even say a word to me she just
09:29sighs deeply swipes a master key card clears the screen takes my cash and says just take the banana
09:37and go please i walked out of there feeling like an international grocery fugitive every interaction
09:44we have now requires a password a verification code or a face scan yesterday i tried to log into my
09:51email
09:51on a new computer it told me it sent a code to my phone i checked my phone no code
09:57i click recent code
09:59it says we have locked your account for security purposes please upload a picture of your driver's
10:05license and a video of you holding today's newspaper i do not have a newspaper nobody has a newspaper
10:12i had to go to the neighbor's house to ask if they had print media and they looked at me
10:16like i was a
10:17time traveler from 1800 technology was supposed to save us time it was supposed to give us leisure
10:23instead i spent half my day proving to a website that i am not a robot by clicking on pictures
10:30of traffic
10:30lights and half the time i miss one is that a traffic light in the background or a distant chimney
10:37if i
10:38guess wrong the internet decides i am a rogue software program trying to steal emails i am just a person
10:46who wants to look at my messages and eat a burger that was stolen by a raccoon that is all
10:51i want
Comments