- 7 months ago
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00:00Now let's go on to a game, one of my favorite games actually, called Scenes from a Hat.
00:10This is all four of you.
00:14What we do is before the show we ask the audience to write down suggestions for scenes
00:17and we take the good ones that we like and we put them in a hat and see how many our
00:20performers can act out.
00:21Starting with...
00:23Things your mom says or does that make you think she used to be a stripper.
00:30Here's your roast beef, honey.
00:45Mama's gonna mop.
00:46Conversation topics that will derail a dinner party.
01:02So, anyway, it was coming out of everywhere.
01:12The first time you taste human flesh, it's a little sickening.
01:16Well, we are not gonna have any more problems with that Henderson dog, are we?
01:34Things bald men are sick of hearing.
01:44We need your head to bounce the laser off of to communicate with the satellite.
02:11You're my only friend on this island.
02:25No, I just had one.
02:42I don't want to say any more.
02:44No, go on.
02:45It's comedy.
02:46Okay, will Johnny take me to the prom?
03:09I'll stop it now for you.
03:11Oh, thanks.
03:12Just in time.
03:13I was just, you guys, you know.
03:14Yeah, stop at 10, I say.
03:16It's not me.
03:18If Rain Man had different jobs.
03:25The points definitely do not matter.
03:26The points definitely do not matter.
03:28It took me five dollars.
03:36Five dollars is worth it.
03:36Five dollars.
03:41All right.
03:43Hillbilly dating service videos.
03:48I'd like to meet someone outside the family.
03:50A couple months you give your prom date that will definitely get your face slapped.
04:00You don't sweat much for a fat girl.
04:13Oh.
04:14Wow.
04:16I am going to get some, huh?
04:17All right.
04:23Inappropriate comments from the priest at your wedding.
04:30Way to go.
04:37Hey, that was an excellent confession yesterday.
04:45You may now kiss the cow.
04:46Bride.
04:47Bride.
04:52Everyone's getting married.
04:54That's great.
04:54Married.
05:03You have a good man in your husband.
05:05I know.
05:12Okay.
05:14People who shouldn't work naked.
05:15Welcome to the stage, if you will, Kathy Lee.
05:29Oh, yeah, she's great.
05:37Oh, yeah, she's great.
05:43My fellow Americans.
05:44Original rejected poses for the Mona Lisa.
06:04Original rejected poses for the Mona Lisa.
06:08Strange titles for celebrity autobiographies.
06:28Huh.
06:30James Brown.
06:32What the hell did he say?
06:33Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:34Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:35Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:35Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:36Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:37Oh, Gary Coleman.
06:38All right.
06:39Strange items on sale at the prison gift shop.
06:40Hmm.
06:41Shower mirrors.
06:42Huh.
06:43Gary Coleman.
06:44Huh.
06:45Gary Coleman.
06:46Words that sound dirty, but aren't.
06:47All right.
06:48All right.
06:49Strange items on sale at the prison gift shop.
06:53Hmm.
06:54Shower mirrors.
06:55Huh.
06:56Huh.
06:57Gary Coleman.
06:58Huh.
06:59Gary Coleman.
07:00Words that sound dirty, but aren't.
07:02I'd like an order of footbucker.
07:03I'm Farmer Dick, and this is my prized cock.
07:04Huh.
07:05I'm Farmer Dick, and this is my prized cock.
07:10Huh.
07:11Real.
07:12I'm Farmer Dick, and this is my prized cock.
07:17Yeah, I'm Farmer Dick, and I'm Farmer Dick, and this is my prized cock.
07:30Huh.
07:31Huh.
07:33Yeah, I'll have a double rock sucker
07:42with a punt on the side.
07:52Shows that didn't even make it to UPN.
07:57Tonight on UPN, Tyson and Lincoln.
08:03America's Funniest Lethal Home Videos.
08:15Huh?
08:27Ding ding!
08:29Ding ding!
08:37Oh, man.
08:43It's like itchy and scratchy.
08:47Odd choices for a presidential running mate.
08:51As president, I assure you that Carrot Top and I will try to make...
09:03We'll try to do the best for this country that we possibly can.
09:06Isn't that right, Jimmy?
09:07That's right, Mr. President.
09:09I'd like you all to meet my running mate.
09:21You know, together you look a lot like the guy in the...
09:37All right.
09:39Mr. Drummond!
09:41It looks like...
09:45He does.
09:49He does.
09:51He does.
09:53He does.
09:54Pick up lines...
09:55Oh, jeez.
09:56Why...
09:57Pick up lines of game show hosts.
09:59Oh, boy.
10:00Show me booty!
10:01Show me booty!
10:10Is that your final answer?
10:20Would you like to go for what's behind zipper number one?
10:22Bad things to say to your future in-laws?
10:34This is your mother?
10:42This is your father?
10:47What Olympic medalists are really thinking while they're listening to the national anthem?
10:52I would have gotten a gold if I just stretched a little more.
11:15After the Olympics, I'm gonna go fluff my Garfield.
11:23Uh...
11:25Times when eeny, meeny, miny, moe is not an appropriate selection method.
11:36Miney, moe.
11:38Congratulations, Mr. Bush.
11:40This about sums it up, doesn't it?
11:55What Alexander Graham Bell really said the first time he used the phone?
11:59What's that?
12:00Oh, yeah.
12:01Then what would you do?
12:02Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
12:04Things the pilot wishes he hadn't said when the intercom was on.
12:06Oh, it was just a good idea.
12:07Oh, yeah.
12:08Oh, yeah.
12:09Then what would you do?
12:10Oh, yeah.
12:11Then what would you do?
12:12Oh, yeah.
12:13Then what would you do?
12:20Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
12:21Things the pilot wishes he hadn't said when the intercom was on.
12:34Oh, those chalupas are coming back on me.
12:38Hawaii's kind of shaped like a liver, right?
12:54Oh, this is easier than I thought.
13:05I'm so horny I can't think straight.
13:08Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?
13:24First lines of the worst poems ever written.
13:29Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?
13:31When I was drunk, you were beautiful.
13:47Though you come from the small town of Puck Pucker.
13:50All right.
13:57Things that shouldn't have ejector seats.
13:59Things that shouldn't have ejector seats.
14:03The other thing was that,
14:04when I was drunk, you were a moron.
14:06The other thing was that,
14:08if you could go up here.
14:09I got the idea about it you were in a row.
14:13If you were in trouble, do you have to take your mind?
14:14You know what?
14:15Well, sorry.
14:16I got to take your mind in your life.
14:17I got the job and do that.
14:18I got the job to take your mind.
14:19You know what I think by the way.
14:22Things Found in Drew Carey's Appointment Book.
14:438.30, count my money.
14:469 o'clock, count my money.
14:4810 o'clock.
14:528 o'clock, blow-up, pick-up date.
15:03Bad things to do as you walk down the aisle at your wedding.
15:0610 o'clock.
15:16Ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:21Dun, dun, ah.
15:44All right.
15:46If classic movies had nude scenes.
15:54It doesn't amount to a whole hill of beans.
16:05Oh, Cyrano, stand up.
16:07I am Spartacus.
16:25Miss Scarlet, Miss Scarlet.
16:26I got it.
16:35D.T. go home.
16:37Okay, if cartoon characters had adult conversations.
16:46If cartoon characters had adult conversations.
16:49Right, I bought the short drops in.
16:51Whoa, oh, where's the roadie?
16:54Whoa, whoa.
16:56Be sleeping with my wife.
16:58Be sleeping with my wife.
17:00You out, all right?
17:03Forget it, Charlie Brown.
17:04I'm not going that far.
17:07What are you doing with my wife?
17:14Hex-head, stage ride.
17:21All right.
17:23What you don't want to see tattooed on your date.
17:27What you don't want to see tattooed on your date.
17:31Property of the U.S. Army.
17:37How am I doing?
17:40Phone 555.
17:48Inappropriate times to use baby talk.
17:54Yeah, girl.
17:55You ready for the punky-dunky-dunky?
17:57My fellow Americans, Ugoozyboosie.
18:07Ugoozyboosie.
18:14Ugoozyboosie.
18:15Ugoozyboosie.
18:17Ugoozyboosie.
18:18Dearly beloved, we're here to bury you where
18:26you're little daddy girl.
18:34What's up, daddy?
18:35What's up, daddy?
18:39Inappropriate topics of conversation
18:40when meeting the Queen of England.
18:45Like, do you pick your nose in the carriage?
18:49Like, when you're going by, is that, like, what you're doing?
18:54I, uh, I lick your stamps all the time.
19:07Have you ever thought about how uncomfortable testicles really are?
19:19Do you use the maximum size or the minimum?
19:26Latin American soccer announcers on their day off.
19:29I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries, and the cock!
19:36You forgot my cock!
19:46You forgot my cock!
19:47Where the hell's my cock?
20:00Weird things, weird things for people to find beautiful.
20:05Goodbye, beautiful.
20:35Flush.
20:36Flush.
20:44Weird things for your grandmother to give you for Christmas.
20:51Guess what's inside the box?
20:53It's Grandpa.
21:02It's Grandpa.
21:03What politicians' wives are really thinking
21:25as they smile and wave from the podium.
21:29Who's that girl under the podium?
21:33It's so good to be the president.
21:50If I was his wife, I'd be Tipper Bush.
21:59I sure hope my husband licks b**** tonight.
22:03It's an election thing.
22:08It's an election thing.
22:12What your wife is saying right now.
22:17I'm happy as Big Feet.
22:22Is that Ryan or Brad Pitt?
22:27Can that man make love?
22:37I love my husband, Wayne Brady.
22:47I'm not done throwing up yet.
22:57I love her husband, Wayne Brady.
23:06Boy Scout badges we've never heard of.
23:08Table dancing.
23:17Animal gynecology.
23:27Diet books that didn't exactly fly off the shelves.
23:32Lose weight by Drew Carey.
23:39Eat yourself smart by Ryan Stiles.
23:54Go away.
23:55Go away.
23:55Yeah, baby.
23:57Yeah, baby.
24:03Yeah, baby.
24:04Yeah, baby.
24:10Let you two get a hotel.
24:11Strange 900 numbers.
24:16Hi, you've reached the Animal Gynecology Hotline.
24:28I love Wayne Brady.
24:34Hello? I love Wayne Brady.
24:41So you need more bold jokes, Drew Carey.
24:44Here are some more bold jokes for you, Drew Carey.
24:53Thanks, Chrome Dome. That was really funny.
24:58Bad racehorse names to call in a race.
25:03Come on, no legs! Come on!
25:10Go gonna be glue! Go gonna be glue!
25:15And it's nose by a nose and coming up on the outside is coming up on the outside and nose on the nose and coming...
25:22I got 500 on ass backwards!
25:30Times when it would be nice to have the ability to be beamed up.
25:34So, if you buy a full-term annuity policy, that'll keep you going until you're approximately 80...
25:43Come back, you haven't bought fire insurance.
25:46It's time for my John Wayne impression!
25:56Good morning!
25:58Good morning!
26:00Good morning!
26:01Good morning!
26:06All right.
26:07What really made the kids in Blair Witch run off screaming?
26:10His shoes, they're so blue!
26:11They're so blue!
26:12They're so blue!
26:13They're so blue!
26:14They're so blue!
26:27There's gonna be a crappy sequel!
26:28What members of the Who's Line cast say to their therapists?
26:43I mean, I don't get it.
26:45I mean, it's the color of sky and water...
26:53And then he invites me over to his desk.
26:56And he says, hey, you're the winner!
27:13Outtakes from the Hillbilly National Theatre's Shakespeare Festival.
27:18Juliet, you get down here!
27:20I love you and you're my cousin!
27:22Get on down here!
27:26Oh, that is 2-2 solid flesh with squeal like a pig!
27:36Yee-haw!
27:43Yay!
27:44The two revenuers from Barona approaches!
27:47Read a book, people!
27:56Look, Othello!
27:57We don't mind y'all moving here!
27:58I just don't want you dating my sister no more!
28:11My sister no more!
28:20How the Naked Friday's policy turned out at your office?
28:25Limbo anyone?
28:26Do you follow anyone?
28:35Colin?
28:36Right.
28:37My boss will see you now.
28:38Go take your finger off my .
28:50Okay.
28:51We'll be right back, Mark.
28:52Who finds it anyway?
28:53Right over this!
28:54Don't go away!
28:55Oh!
28:56Oh!
28:57Did you see it?
28:58The camera just fell.
28:59Oh!
29:00Oh!
29:01Superman's secret inner thoughts.
29:02Superman's secret inner thoughts.
29:04Superman's secret inner thoughts.
29:06Where's that damn train?
29:08Wonder if Batman shorts ride up.
29:09Oh.
29:15Hmm.
29:16Hmm.
29:17Superman's secret inner thoughts.
29:20Where's that damn train?
29:29I wonder if Batman's shorts ride up.
29:36Hmm. If I took this coal, I could make a diamond for Lois.
29:47Now, they recognize me? No, they don't.
30:08Alright. Things you did as a child that aren't as cute when you're an adult.
30:13I want poopy in my pants.
30:25If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon.
30:41One small step for man, one giant step for me. Brad Sherwood.
30:48How are you?
30:51Sorry, I said it's celebrities.
30:56Oh, I'm sorry.
31:02That was mean.
31:03That was mean.
31:10Whoo!
31:21Where's my car?
31:22Well, this is dry and barren as I am.
31:34Oh, inappropriate slideshows that your neighbors make you sit through.
31:51Here's me during my hernia examination.
31:53Look at that.
31:57Oh, and here the head's crowning.
31:58You see that?
31:59The head's...
32:03Hey, where are you going?
32:04Hey.
32:05Hey.
32:12Sorry I'm late.
32:13That's alright.
32:15And this position we call pruning the hibiscus.
32:17Oh.
32:23If actors were completely honest during their award acceptance speeches.
32:27There's someone under my podium.
32:40Wow.
32:41Um.
32:42I'd like to thank the dark one for, uh...
32:45This is, uh...
32:46Man, you don't know how many I've had my just to get this.
33:11It's been an honor working with Colin Mochrie all these years.
33:17Alright?
33:19Uh-huh.
33:21Circus acts that didn't last long.
33:22Uh-huh.
33:24Uh-huh.
33:25Yeah.
33:29Yeah.
33:30Let's go.
34:00Odd things for a lounge singer to sing about.
34:12I passed a stone today.
34:16I passed a stone today.
34:26It's time for a prostate examination.
34:30Don't stand behind me after I get finished eating.
34:39Trust me, it's not good because I'll blow your hair off.
34:44Yes, indeed.
34:46Because I...
34:50Cannibalism.
34:55Cannibalism.
34:57Gotta go.
34:58These words, they come so whimsically.
35:05I know your wife, biblically.
35:08But...
35:09I'd love to see Phyllis Diller in spandex.
35:21How the cast of Baywatch would react to an actual emergency.
35:32Fire!
35:35Fire!
35:38Run!
35:39Wait right there!
35:46Wait right there!
35:48Line!
35:54I'm falling!
35:55You can do that, but whatever you do, don't f***ing make fun of Hitler.
36:05Onsen's and Fallen!
36:20If Tarzan and Tonto were roommates.
36:24Move your horse!
36:26You want to watch TV?
36:35No, no, no, no!
36:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
36:44Tarzan!
36:45Your in-laws are coming!
36:46No!
36:47No!
36:47I love that.
36:54Let's make fun of the Native Americans all you want.
36:56Who gives a s*** about them?
37:04Will you go upstairs and tell Hitler to be quiet?
37:13What did I do?
37:17If you could give the youth of America just one piece of advice,
37:25it would be...
37:27Don't let Ryan's tongue near your ear.
37:37All right.
37:40Strange sweet nothings whispered in your lover's ear.
37:47Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
37:50Hello.
37:58Meh.
38:06Unlikely souvenir t-shirts.
38:08How am I walking?
38:111-800-256...
38:14I'm with me.
38:22Cosby and Hitler.
38:26If human doctors acted like animal doctors...
38:30...or veterinarians...
38:32Yeah.
38:38Too much hay.
38:43Mr. Phillips, congratulations.
38:45Your wife's had 12 babies.
38:51Thanks for coming in.
38:52Let me just have a look at you.
38:53All right.
38:54All right.
38:56I guess I'm done.
38:57See ya.
39:00All right.
39:02The good news and the bad news.
39:06The good news is we're going to name a disease after you.
39:22You're in a very funny show.
39:24It's against friends.
39:25It's against friends.
39:26Honey, I'm pregnant.
39:36Meet the father.
39:44All right.
39:46Refreshingly honest statements that could earn you a black eye.
39:50Honey, you don't look as fat as you did yesterday.
40:05Drew doesn't do a damn thing.
40:07Let's read off the card.
40:16Let's read it.
40:17And that's all.
40:19That's all.
40:19Ryan, has anyone ever told you you look like Doogie Howser?
40:31I want you to punch me hard in the eye.
40:42I want you to punch me hard in the eye.
40:43That was funny.
40:54All right.
40:55Go ahead.
40:56No, go ahead, please.
40:57Honey, well, those jeans do make you look a little fat.
41:08See?
41:08Shut up!
41:10Not a damn thing.
41:25You look good on that.
41:29Difficult things to say with a straight face.
41:32You really should comb it forward more.
41:55I didn't mean that thing about the big bump on my...
41:57That's a good one.
42:09Announcements made over Hell's PA system.
42:14Attention.
42:15Attention.
42:16Would the owner of a Pinto license number...
42:18Tickets for Yanni on sale in the main room.
42:27Tickets for Yanni.
42:33Clean up on aisle five.
42:40All right.
42:41Rejected gift ideas that the three wise men considered.
42:47Actually, there were not three wise men.
42:48There were just wise men.
42:48But rejected gift ideas that the wise men considered.
42:52Mary, we have brought this.
42:55A PlayStation 2 for the year.
43:02Well, you can't give him a pork roast.
43:04It's a Chia Pet.
43:15The young Messiah will derive hours of entertainment from this, the singing bass.
43:24Put it over there.
43:26Are you ready?
43:26Ready?
43:26Water skis.
43:41With these motivational tapes by Tony Robbins, the young one can lead his people.
43:56Come on.
44:00They call it a thong.
44:06Versions of Hell other than Eternal Flames.
44:09All right.
44:11That's a thousand points.
44:12It's time for HODAL.
44:20And let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time.
44:31Mississippi.
44:32I'm still in Mississippi.
44:37Oh.
44:39Mississippi.
44:40I'm still in Mississippi.
44:50Famous film scenes as performed by cartoon characters.
44:56Frankly, my dear.
44:58Don't give a damn.
44:59Oh.
45:06I'll be back.
45:09Feeling walkie punk?
45:20Rhyme spodocus.
45:21Rosebud even
45:28Hey punk, are you feeling lucky?
45:44You want to see what's in my picnic basket?
45:51Well, that's alright. If morning show hosts acted like most people do in the morning.
45:57We've got a tremendous show for you here today.
46:03Don't leave, Bob.
46:08Yeah. Ooh, damn.
46:11When we come...
46:16Look, here's some cab fare home. I gotta do a show.
46:20Alright.
46:27What members of the Who's Line cast say to their therapists?
46:32No one knows. It's actually a bald paint. It's just makeup.
46:37And yet they make fun of me night after night after night.
46:41It doesn't really bother me. It's all about penis envy.
46:56Yes, we all wish ours were shorter.
47:11Announcements that tend to ruin parties.
47:23I'm gas-free!
47:26Everybody, it's time to coat Colin in Crisco.
47:39Drew's here! Drew's here! Drew's here!
47:41Drew's here!
47:42We're right back on who the winner is.
47:46Whoever it is, don't go away!
47:48You're right.
47:54And you're right.
47:56You're right.
47:57You're right.
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