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  • 9 hours ago
Watch It Sailor 1961
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00:00:30Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor. Love is abroad no matter where you may be. Watch it, sailor. Watch it,
00:00:40sailor. Lock up your heart whenever you're in from sea. Wherever a port or harbor can be seen upon the
00:00:49chart, you'll find a dame all ready to claim a lonely sailor's heart.
00:00:53Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor. Once you hold a hand, you'll land in love.
00:01:04Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor. Love is ahead wherever the fleets afloat. Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor. Somebody's
00:01:18kiss can help you to miss the boat.
00:01:21No matter if it's Hawaii or the streets of Singapore. The girls are there. You better beware. There's danger on
00:01:28the shore. Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor. Once you hold a hand, you'll land in love.
00:01:37Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor.
00:02:02Watch it, sailor.
00:02:04Still, I suppose we mustn't grudge them a bit of pleasure. It makes a change for them away, dear.
00:02:12I should have listened to my father. He warned me. Take a look at the bride's mum, he said. There's
00:02:20your wife, he said, in a few years' time.
00:02:22Oh, come on, Albert. We'll be late.
00:02:25I'll have another, please.
00:02:26Oh, no. No, Albert, you mustn't arrive in church smelling of liquor.
00:02:30But it's my voice, my nerves.
00:02:32I won't be able to say I will.
00:02:34I will? Never use those words, son. Look upon that picture. And on this. Before and after. Two years of
00:02:50married bliss and a mother-in-law. Don't do it, son. Turn again, Williamson. And run for it.
00:02:58Yes, sir.
00:03:00Albert, you've got to go to the church and get married.
00:03:03A man doesn't count for anything. When he's born, they say, how's the mother? And when he marries, they say,
00:03:12oh, lovely bride. And when he dies, they ask how much is he left?
00:03:18You're wasting your breath. They've gone away.
00:03:22That's right. Go and rush to your doom. Nobody listens.
00:03:29The only time my wife ever listens to me is when I'm talking to another woman.
00:03:42No way becomes you.
00:04:06Oh, my God.
00:04:37Let's go.
00:05:07They're here!
00:05:09Have you been a bridesmaid before?
00:05:12Been a bridesmaid? That's the story of my life.
00:05:14Then you know what to do.
00:05:16Follow the bride discreetly and demurely.
00:05:57Let's go.
00:06:08He's not here.
00:06:20Oh, get in now.
00:06:31Don't worry, boys.
00:06:33It's temperamental, this engine.
00:06:35Like my old woman.
00:06:37But I know...
00:06:37Oh, for me's sake, driver, come on, come on, get the top.
00:06:39Don't panic, Nelson.
00:06:40Get it up.
00:06:41Get it up.
00:06:41Get it up.
00:06:43Get it up.
00:06:44That's right.
00:06:44Now, don't panic, Nelson.
00:06:45Don't panic.
00:06:47Remember the old signal England experience?
00:06:49Yes, but you know, I'm getting married.
00:06:50I should have been in the church ages ago.
00:06:51I've never let a bridegroom down yet.
00:06:54You'll slice the main dress, all right?
00:06:56She'll wait for you.
00:06:58They always do.
00:06:59Shut up, Henry.
00:07:00Well, I was only going to say...
00:07:02Remind what you were going to say.
00:07:03Shut up.
00:07:04Oh, Mum.
00:07:06Oh, Albert.
00:07:08I was only saying to Shirley that this is not the way to conduct a wedding.
00:07:13What wedding?
00:07:14What wedding?
00:07:15Precisely, Mrs. Hornet.
00:07:16What wedding?
00:07:17We can't perform the marriage ceremony without a bridegroom, can we?
00:07:23I do sympathize with you in your distress, but we mustn't rule out a perfectly simple explanation.
00:07:31Ah.
00:07:32It's us that's simple, not the explanation.
00:07:35You're forgetting, Bicker.
00:07:37Albert Tuthnell's a sailor, and you know what sailors are.
00:07:39Oh, yes, indeed.
00:07:40Bright and breezy, free and easy.
00:07:44I remember when I was a curate of sailors once.
00:07:45Two seas are not kidding us anywhere.
00:07:47What do we do now?
00:07:49I'll tell you what you do.
00:07:50Speak when you're spoken to.
00:07:52It's all your fault, anyway, bringing a sailor into the house.
00:07:55Oh, Mum.
00:07:56Now, I suggest...
00:07:58I know what you're going to suggest.
00:07:59Find Albert Tuthnell and trap him in jail.
00:08:03He's probably done this to half a dozen girls.
00:08:05Led them up the garden path, had his fun, and gone with the wind.
00:08:10Precisely.
00:08:10Oh, dear me, no, no, no.
00:08:12I'm sure he'll turn up.
00:08:14You know the old cry, the Navy's here.
00:08:16No, well, it isn't the Navy we're looking for. Just one sailor.
00:08:19You'll find him, Mrs. Hornet.
00:08:20Will I?
00:08:21Oh, wait till I do.
00:08:23As it happens, I have a funeral in a quarter of an hour, fortunately.
00:08:27Unfortunately.
00:08:29But I can perform the ceremony for the wedding at 2.30.
00:08:32You know how it is.
00:08:34In the midst of life, we are in death.
00:08:39Now, take our ma, Emma Hornet.
00:08:41There's a different cup of tea.
00:08:44No wonder you boys needed a drink.
00:08:46Poor old Henry Hornet.
00:08:48Poor old God.
00:08:51How but that.
00:08:52I think we'd better run for it.
00:08:54It's not very far.
00:08:57Run into it.
00:09:09Oh, you're there, E.T.
00:09:10Oh, look at me.
00:09:12Oh, look at me.
00:09:13Oh, look at me.
00:09:16Hello, Mrs. Mottram.
00:09:18Well, you've left it a bit late going to the wedding, haven't you?
00:09:20Oh, I'm not going to the wedding, Mrs. Mottram.
00:09:23No, like myself, you haven't been asked.
00:09:24Emma doesn't think we're good enough.
00:09:26I wouldn't go to her funeral now if she asked me.
00:09:29Oh, I was asked, but I couldn't face it, you know, not the church part of it.
00:09:33I couldn't have stood the sprain of seeing Shirley say I will and remembering you.
00:09:37Yes, remembering that you were left at the altar yourself years ago.
00:09:40I know.
00:09:41Oh, don't, Mrs. Mottram, don't.
00:09:43I mustn't think of my great sorrow, must I?
00:09:46Not today, eh?
00:09:47No.
00:09:47It would be as well to give it a rest for one day in 20 years.
00:09:50Well, I must fly now, because they'll be waiting for me at Banfield's tea rooms for the reception.
00:10:11Come on, Shirley.
00:10:13Come on.
00:10:13And don't say a word to nobody.
00:10:15Nobody, do you hear?
00:10:16Oh, Emma, what is it?
00:10:17Oh, be quiet.
00:10:18Now, Daphne, take her straight into the house.
00:10:20Go on, straight in.
00:10:21Oh, Emma, I can't stand it.
00:10:23Well, they've got to stand it.
00:10:24We've all got to stand it.
00:10:25Come on, who's got the key?
00:10:27Come on, E.D.
00:10:30And whatever you've seen or haven't seen, I'll thank you, Macy, Mottram, not to start putting
00:10:34two and two together and making it four, because you'd be wrong, see?
00:10:38And wait till the next time I find your cut on my geraniums.
00:10:58Good morning, Peggy.
00:10:59Good morning, Mr. Hornet.
00:11:00Well, good old Henry Hornet.
00:11:03Poor old boy.
00:11:04The usual, Mr. Hornet.
00:11:05Oh, no, I did.
00:11:06Have you seen two sailors?
00:11:08All dolled up for a wedding.
00:11:09One a Scotty.
00:11:10That'll be them.
00:11:11They left the church ages ago.
00:11:13And the prisoner drank a hearty breakfast before he walked through the scaffold.
00:11:20You must have a rink with me.
00:11:22Oh, no, I can't.
00:11:23Oh, no.
00:11:23Don't.
00:11:24The same as usual for my old pal, Charlie.
00:11:28Well, Henry.
00:11:30That's what I said.
00:11:32Well, I might as well have one now I'm here.
00:11:34Here's to the jolly old bachelors.
00:11:38Yeah, they say that marriage is a lottery.
00:11:41It means rubbish.
00:11:42In a lottery, you do get a chance.
00:11:46What chance have you got, Henry Hornet?
00:11:49Oh, I don't know.
00:11:50I'm not complaining.
00:11:52Not complaining?
00:11:53No.
00:11:54In a way, I love my wife.
00:12:01Oh, you're Emma must have changed quite a lot.
00:12:05I say she has.
00:12:06She's changed me bells, me nights out, and me football.
00:12:14Poor old Charles Lee.
00:12:18So poor old.
00:12:48I can't stand it.
00:12:50Oh, well.
00:12:51My two pins are throwing myself in the canal.
00:12:54Now then, now then.
00:12:55That's enough of that sort of talk.
00:12:56Oh, throw yourself in the canal, indeed.
00:12:58No man's worth the sacrifice.
00:13:00Least of all, Albert Tufnel.
00:13:04Besides, that canal's a disgrace.
00:13:06I wouldn't throw a cut in it.
00:13:08Still, I can understand how Shirley feels, Emma.
00:13:12Don't show, darling.
00:13:13I know.
00:13:14I understand.
00:13:16It's happened to you just like it happened to me.
00:13:19Oh, but you didn't throw yourself in the canal, did you?
00:13:23No, I don't.
00:13:25And it was nice and clean in them days.
00:13:29Here, take this away.
00:13:31And get that tea.
00:13:32I know, love.
00:13:33Go on.
00:13:36Oh, Emma.
00:13:41That's right, Laurie.
00:13:42Just pop in and out of my house as you feel inclined.
00:13:45Liberty Hall, that's what this has been.
00:13:47Ah, but we're going to change all that.
00:13:50There are going to be no more liberties taken here from now on.
00:13:53Believe me.
00:13:54Good shell.
00:13:55Have you been talking to anyone?
00:13:57I dropped it on this spot if I've said a word.
00:14:00Ow!
00:14:01Aren't I awful?
00:14:03That's right.
00:14:03Smash the place to bits.
00:14:05I don't mind.
00:14:06I'm past caring.
00:14:09Henry!
00:14:16Here.
00:14:17Did you find him?
00:14:18No.
00:14:19What a thing to ask.
00:14:20How are the ferrets?
00:14:22All right?
00:14:22Yes.
00:14:23Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
00:14:25I'm sure it's going to make Shirley's cross so much easier to bear knowing that your ferrets are happy.
00:14:32What's that?
00:14:33What?
00:14:35Someone on my stairs.
00:14:39Oh, where do you think you're going?
00:14:41I'm going back to the church.
00:14:43To be baptized, I suppose.
00:14:45Well, you stay right here, my girl.
00:14:47Aunt Emma, you're not talking to your daughter now, you know.
00:14:50If I want to go back to the church, I shall go.
00:14:53Daphne Pink, you dare to talk to me like that?
00:14:56Someone's got to some time.
00:14:58I'm going back to the church.
00:15:00What must he be thinking?
00:15:01He must be absolutely miserable and through no thought of his own.
00:15:04That poor lad.
00:15:06That poor lad.
00:15:08Why, Albert Tuftal is wet.
00:15:10I'm not talking about Albert.
00:15:11You are?
00:15:12No, I'm not.
00:15:13Who are you talking about then?
00:15:15Carnoustie.
00:15:16What?
00:15:17Yes, Carnoustie.
00:15:18After all he's seen going on in this house, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come straight
00:15:22back for his things and catch the first train to Scotland.
00:15:24For all I care, he can catch the one before and nobody wants to see him again.
00:15:28Well, I do.
00:15:29You do?
00:15:31Yes, I do.
00:15:34I love him.
00:15:37Well, that isn't disgusting.
00:15:40Being in love with someone isn't disgusting.
00:15:43Of course, you wouldn't know that.
00:15:44You've never been in love with anyone but yourself.
00:15:47When your mother hears what you've said...
00:15:49She'll never forgive me for having said it before she did.
00:15:54Henry, did you ever hear such black wickedness, me, in love with myself?
00:15:58Oh, I don't know.
00:16:00What's wrong in loving yourself if nobody else does?
00:16:04I'm off.
00:16:06You do not.
00:16:07I forbid you to leave this house.
00:16:09Your uncle and I forbid you.
00:16:10Yes, you do.
00:16:11You can forbid you.
00:16:12You're blue in the face, but I'm still going.
00:16:14Wait.
00:16:15And if Carnoustie asks me to marry him, I'm going to say yes.
00:16:19If he doesn't ask me to marry him, I'm going to make him ask me.
00:16:27Henry!
00:16:30Yes, Emma?
00:16:31Where do you think you're going?
00:16:33To get my slippers.
00:16:35Come down here at once, Henry Hornet.
00:16:38At once, do you hear?
00:16:45Oh, pardon.
00:16:48Have another cup of tea, Shirley, love.
00:16:50It's nice and fresh.
00:16:51I won't say no.
00:16:55I've got a nice fresh cup of tea all poured out for you, Henry.
00:16:59Well, you know what you can do with it.
00:17:00Oh, Henry, oh, don't.
00:17:02Oh, don't, Henry.
00:17:03Don't draw the wrath of heaven down on this house again.
00:17:06It's visited us once before this morning.
00:17:10Visited us?
00:17:11It's lived with us since the day I married it.
00:17:13Oh, Henry.
00:17:14You should know to talk of Emma as the wrath of heaven.
00:17:18Oh, dear.
00:17:22Did anyone say anything?
00:17:24No, Emma.
00:17:25Good.
00:17:26Aren't these lovely?
00:17:28In that case, get yourself down to Banfield's tea rooms
00:17:31and tell them that the reception's been cancelled.
00:17:34What now?
00:17:35Well, what will they think?
00:17:37They're paid to cater not to think.
00:17:39Now, tell them I want everything, and I mean everything.
00:17:41Packing and sending round right away.
00:17:43And you'd better take a basket down with you and bring enough food back for us.
00:17:47Yes.
00:17:47We may all be dying of grief, but there's no need to die of starvation as well.
00:17:51What about the presents?
00:17:53The beautiful presents.
00:17:56Presents?
00:17:57They're dozens of them.
00:17:59Twenty-three.
00:18:00Twenty-three dozens?
00:18:01Twenty-three presents.
00:18:03And I want them all packing up.
00:18:08This is all so terrible.
00:18:10I'll never live it down.
00:18:12Oh, Albert, where are you?
00:18:16Emma.
00:18:18Basket.
00:18:19He's here.
00:18:20He's coming down the street.
00:18:22Albert, my darling!
00:18:24When he does come in, Shirley Hornet, you'll give that darling of yours a smack across the face.
00:18:29Do you hear?
00:18:33Albert, my darling!
00:18:35What happened?
00:18:36Well, a car.
00:18:37It was the engine.
00:18:39It broke down!
00:18:42Emma.
00:18:44Do you think Albert would like a cup of tea?
00:18:46Why don't you ask him, Edie?
00:18:48Ask him nice and tactful.
00:18:50Tell him we have a fatted calf in the pantry.
00:18:54Ask him if he'd like that as well.
00:18:55Yes, I will.
00:18:57Oh, fatted calf then.
00:18:59Oh, no, it wasn't Albert's fault at all.
00:19:01His car broke down.
00:19:03There.
00:19:04Thank you, girl.
00:19:05Didn't I say it was all you have thought?
00:19:07What?
00:19:08We must have Wilson's cars, you said.
00:19:10Nice, quiet engines, you said.
00:19:13What's the good of quiet engines if they don't go?
00:19:16I was beginning to think we'd never see you again.
00:19:19Aye, poor Shirley.
00:19:20It would have broken her wee heart.
00:19:22Well, I've got a wee heart too, can't you, Steve?
00:19:25Aye, well, of course, it would have broken your wee heart too.
00:19:28Well, I'll say it would.
00:19:30Well, I mean, I...
00:19:32I can't have found you out of Shirley.
00:19:35Oh, who's talking about Shirley?
00:19:38Well, now you know.
00:19:39No, I know.
00:19:41Oh, why isn't it leap here?
00:19:43Leap here?
00:19:44But what for?
00:19:46Why?
00:19:46Oh, really, Carnoustie, you can't be as dumb as you look.
00:19:50Oh, don't you know that in leap year,
00:19:53a girl can tell a man that she...
00:19:57Well...
00:19:58Well, you're not saying that.
00:19:59You've fallen for me.
00:20:00I am.
00:20:03Kilt, plaid, and...
00:20:05bell-bottoms.
00:20:08This is terrible.
00:20:11Dreadful.
00:20:13Shocking!
00:20:15Oh!
00:20:16Oh!
00:20:17Albert, I mean, I...
00:20:18I didn't.
00:20:19I mean, I...
00:20:19I wasn't.
00:20:20Mm-hmm.
00:20:21Oh, Albert, I wish you'd give this best man of yours a few lessons.
00:20:25He holds a girl as if she were a set of bagpipes.
00:20:29Well, I'm surprised to hear you say that about him, Daphne.
00:20:32After all, it was Carnoustie who taught me all my tricks.
00:20:36Oh.
00:20:37How can you say such a thing?
00:20:42All right, then.
00:20:45All right.
00:20:46I've allowed you to feed me a pack of lies.
00:20:49Ah.
00:20:49And against my better judgment.
00:20:51And because I don't seem to have any say in my family no more.
00:20:54Now, look, ma'am.
00:20:55And because I don't want my daughter to be disgraced in the eyes of my neighbors.
00:20:59May the Lord have mercy on her soul.
00:21:00I'll allow the wedding to go on.
00:21:02But if it's going on...
00:21:04Ma!
00:21:04Let's get it over with.
00:21:06Daphne.
00:21:07I've never yet seen a bridesmaid walk down the aisle in a jumper and skirt.
00:21:12And you're supposed to be on your way to the vicar.
00:21:15And to church.
00:21:16Come on, now.
00:21:17Come on.
00:21:18I will stay there till you come, ma'am.
00:21:20Mrs. Hornet.
00:21:23Now, have you got the ring?
00:21:24Aye, Mrs. Hornet.
00:21:26Oh, never mind the striptease.
00:21:28Now, listen, Carnoustie.
00:21:29Don't let him out of your sight.
00:21:30No, Mrs. Hornet.
00:21:31Not under any circumstances whatsoever.
00:21:33No, Mrs. Hornet.
00:21:33Not even if he wants to.
00:21:35Aye.
00:21:35Well, if he does want to, tell him he'll have to wait.
00:21:38Aye, Mrs. Hornet.
00:21:39I'll see you at church.
00:21:44Oh, Dan.
00:21:45Happy now?
00:21:46Mm.
00:21:48Shirley, I'll give you a tip.
00:21:50Even when you're married, and you want your mother's advice,
00:21:54come to your father.
00:21:57Wouldn't you like to be going on your honeymoon, Dad?
00:21:59No.
00:22:01I'd just like to be going.
00:22:05Well, if we're going to have a wedding, Shirley,
00:22:08hadn't you better go and wash your face?
00:22:09You don't want to go to church with eyes as red as the bloodhounds.
00:22:12And if I dare open my mouth to you, Henry Hornet,
00:22:16it wouldn't be a bad idea if you had a good brush down.
00:22:19Edie!
00:22:21Yes, Henry?
00:22:22Close brush.
00:22:23Where's your hat?
00:22:24Might as well start at the top.
00:22:28Ooh.
00:22:31Come over here.
00:22:34Give it to me.
00:22:35Come on.
00:22:38If you wouldn't be asking too much,
00:22:40when you bring your daughter to the church this time,
00:22:43try and look as if you were thinking of her
00:22:45and not of your blooming ferrets.
00:22:47Yes, Emma.
00:22:48And remember, we've got to behave as if nothing had happened.
00:22:51You've got to smile, smile, and smile again.
00:22:55And we'll have that back where you found it.
00:22:57Yes, Emma.
00:23:00Foot up.
00:23:02Foot up.
00:23:11I'll just run the aisle.
00:23:12Are you here still?
00:23:13Nobody would think you'd home of your own, would they?
00:23:16Well, it got creased.
00:23:17Other foot.
00:23:21Walking ashtray.
00:23:23I suppose you're coming to the wedding again.
00:23:25Oh, yes, I'll be coming.
00:23:26Aye.
00:23:27Trust you not to miss nothing.
00:23:29I was just telling Henry here,
00:23:31we've got to behave as if we aren't a care in the world.
00:23:33We must smile, smile, and smile again.
00:23:36Oh, smile, all right.
00:23:38Oh, and see it's on the right side of your face.
00:23:40Now, you stand over there and keep quiet.
00:23:42Where's Shirley's bouquet?
00:23:43Edie's got it out in the kitchen.
00:23:45She said something about giving it a drink of tea.
00:23:48Oh!
00:23:48Now, Jeannie, I hope.
00:23:56I thought they wanted a drop of water.
00:23:58There be.
00:23:59But these were going under for the third time.
00:24:02Don't!
00:24:05Are you watching?
00:24:08Oh!
00:24:09That's adorable, Emma.
00:24:10Who would that be?
00:24:12Well, not being able to see through brick walls, I can't say.
00:24:17Suppose you go and see.
00:24:18Oh, yes.
00:24:20That's a good idea.
00:24:21I'll bet it's Albert.
00:24:26Well, I suppose there's something wrong with everybody.
00:24:29But it would take the Queen's doctors and the whole of Harley Street
00:24:32to say what was wrong with her.
00:24:33Poor soul.
00:24:39You've got your spectacles in your hat, did you know?
00:24:43Ooh!
00:24:49I've got it, Emma.
00:24:51I've got it.
00:24:52It's a telegraph for Albert.
00:24:57And then he said,
00:24:59You're not telling me you care for me.
00:25:03Well, congratulations.
00:25:04I see, ma'am.
00:25:06Oh, stingy one.
00:25:07Not even greetings.
00:25:08It's for Albert.
00:25:09Ma'am.
00:25:10Well, what does he say?
00:25:11What's wrong, Aunt Emma?
00:25:13Well, come and show me.
00:25:14What is it, Emma?
00:25:15Tell us.
00:25:16What's wrong?
00:25:18Yes, Emma?
00:25:20Make another pot of tea.
00:25:21Tea.
00:25:21Tea.
00:25:23I said tea.
00:25:24Tea.
00:25:26And Edie.
00:25:27Yes, Emma.
00:25:29Put in two for the pot.
00:25:31Two for the pot.
00:25:33Mum, you can't do this to me.
00:25:35You've got to tell me what he says.
00:25:37What does the telegram say?
00:25:50Oh, no!
00:25:52Oh, yes.
00:25:54Oh, dear.
00:25:55You mean, the waiting?
00:25:57It's off again.
00:25:58That's just what I mean.
00:25:59I don't believe it.
00:26:03I don't believe it.
00:26:05I don't believe it.
00:26:05You don't believe it.
00:26:08You don't believe it.
00:26:10Then listen to this, Henry Hornet.
00:26:13Listen to this, and may every word burn its way into the heart you never had.
00:26:16Oh, what does it say, ma'am?
00:26:18You've got to tell me what it says.
00:26:19I'll tell you what it says, but heaven help you when you hear it.
00:26:23Oh, yes.
00:26:23You see, I'm trying to break it to you gently.
00:26:26Oh, but the need to make her take.
00:26:28Very well.
00:26:38Abel Seaman Tufnel, care of eight Pretoria Villas.
00:26:42Yes, yes, yes.
00:26:43We know how to just.
00:26:44Victor Rode.
00:26:49For legal reasons, imperative you do not marry stop.
00:26:55But why?
00:26:55Solicit a contacting you stop.
00:26:59What does stop mean?
00:27:01Stop marrying.
00:27:03Oh, Daphne.
00:27:04But who sent it?
00:27:06Frederick Hardcastle, Lieutenant Commander RN,
00:27:11Divisional Officer HMS Hope.
00:27:15But Emma, what does it mean?
00:27:17It means, for legal reasons, imperative he does not get married.
00:27:22Stop.
00:27:23Delicit a contact and you've suffered if you don't know what that means.
00:27:26Henry Hornet.
00:27:27I give up.
00:27:28Oh, that's what it means, you see.
00:27:31I made the tea, Emma.
00:27:34Oh.
00:27:36Oh, what?
00:27:37Oh, what is it?
00:27:39Oh, no.
00:27:39Don't you stop.
00:27:40Oh, my blessed Christ, it's my poor child.
00:27:42With murder in my heart, I can't do it.
00:27:44I'm asking you.
00:27:45Give me that teapot.
00:27:46And go.
00:27:47And go.
00:27:49He...
00:27:50He's hot.
00:27:52Where are you going?
00:27:54To Albert.
00:27:54Where do you think?
00:27:55Have you taken leave of your senses?
00:27:57Do you want to make a laughing stock of yourself again?
00:27:59I don't care.
00:28:00I don't care what people think.
00:28:01Why should she?
00:28:02No, you don't care.
00:28:04And you don't care.
00:28:05The shame and humiliation this will bring on me.
00:28:10I've got to go on living in the street.
00:28:13And have everybody laughing in my face.
00:28:16For months to come.
00:28:18Not in your face, dear.
00:28:21And you don't care either.
00:28:24If you wanted to read anything, I'd have thought you'd have read that.
00:28:27Well, you've just read this to us.
00:28:29I know I have.
00:28:30You want to see it for yourself, don't you?
00:28:32I know I would.
00:28:34Yes.
00:28:34You would.
00:28:36Oh, Albert.
00:28:37Albert.
00:29:08Of course, you're the bridegroom who wasn't here this morning for the wedding we didn't have.
00:29:16And you're the best man.
00:29:17Oh, aye, aye, Padre.
00:29:19Aye.
00:29:20I mean, you will be when the marriage takes place.
00:29:23Aye.
00:29:26You have the ring, of course.
00:29:29Oh, aye.
00:29:29I have the ring, Padre.
00:29:31Right here.
00:29:33I've got to be so often the best man.
00:29:36Oh, aye.
00:29:37Oh, aye.
00:29:37Ring, Padre.
00:29:38Spended.
00:29:41You'll need it when the ceremony takes place.
00:29:50Padre, you don't think, I mean, you don't imagine that...
00:29:53Carnoustie, stop worrying.
00:29:54Cheryl will be here any moment.
00:29:57Yes, of course.
00:30:07Well, I expect you'll come to the reception afterwards, Padre.
00:30:11Oh, well, a little refreshment after all this won't come amiss.
00:30:16No.
00:30:22Oh, dear.
00:30:24Then goes my monthly sewing circle.
00:30:34Oh, dear.
00:30:39Then goes my monthly sewing circle.
00:30:52He's got to learn that he can't go about this world picking people up and trampling them down in the
00:30:58dust and get away with it all the time.
00:31:00The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceeding small.
00:31:05I'll see to that.
00:31:06Oh, stop it, Mum.
00:31:08I don't want to hear any more.
00:31:09I can't bear it.
00:31:11Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a bit until he comes?
00:31:14There must be a reason, though, mustn't I?
00:31:16I mean, say, they would never have sent the telegram if there wasn't, would they?
00:31:19Oh, but you can't fight fate.
00:31:21That's what I'll say and that's what I'll go on saying.
00:31:23I mean, once fate's got her hooks into you, you might as well pack up.
00:31:28I like your hat.
00:31:29Do you mind?
00:31:31Do you mind, all of you, if just for once I'm allowed to hear the sound of my own voice?
00:31:37It's very kind of you all to tell me what I ought to do, and I'm not going to do
00:31:41it.
00:31:42And now I'll tell you, for a change, what you're going to do.
00:31:46Henry!
00:31:48When Albert Tufnel does come, you'll stand up to him and give him what for.
00:31:53You've always said you're master in your own house.
00:31:55And, Florey?
00:31:56Mm-hmm.
00:31:58I thank you to take down every word that's said.
00:32:01And when we bring him to court, you may be called upon as a decree nyside.
00:32:06You'll say nothing.
00:32:08Edie!
00:32:09Edie!
00:32:10Yes?
00:32:11Oh, we don't want you here.
00:32:14Now, down to Banfields and go this time.
00:32:18Now, don't forget to tell them about the presents.
00:32:21They'll all have to be sent back, you know.
00:32:22Weaning bothers him now and back him.
00:32:24I'm sure Shirley's very welcome to you.
00:32:26Isn't he cool?
00:32:27That's very nice of you, Florey.
00:32:29We're attached, aren't we, Shirley?
00:32:30There's quite enough rubbish in here as it is.
00:32:33Now, Edie...
00:32:35Edie!
00:32:38Isabel!
00:32:39It's them.
00:32:41Albert.
00:32:46Take it easy!
00:32:47Yes, take it easy, Albert.
00:32:58Well, I hope you're very proud of what you've done.
00:33:01Proud of what you've done.
00:33:03You never did want this marriage, did you?
00:33:04No.
00:33:05And now you've got your own back, you've made me look like a fool.
00:33:07And brought Her Majesty's navy into ridicule.
00:33:10Ha!
00:33:10You can tell Her Majesty from me
00:33:13that if you and him are fair examples of her navy,
00:33:17my heart bleeds for her.
00:33:19Now, I can understand you...
00:33:21I can understand you wanting your revenge.
00:33:24But, Shirley!
00:33:26You!
00:33:27You was gonna be a sailor's wife.
00:33:29Aye, a sailor's wife!
00:33:31Albert, lay off, Shirley.
00:33:33And you too, Mr. Echo.
00:33:34Yes, lay off.
00:33:36Go on, Aunt Emma, tell them.
00:33:38Tell them.
00:33:41Why, what's that?
00:33:42Give it to me.
00:33:44What?
00:33:44The thing I gave you to read.
00:33:46Oh.
00:33:48Read that, sir.
00:33:54Well, what the heck?
00:33:55Go on, read it out loud.
00:33:57And explain it if you dare.
00:34:03Are your ferrets suffering from mange?
00:34:05Ah!
00:34:06Oh!
00:34:07Oh!
00:34:08Idiot!
00:34:09Here.
00:34:10Come on.
00:34:11What?
00:34:11For the telegram.
00:34:12Oh!
00:34:16Read that, young man.
00:34:23Well?
00:34:26What's it mean?
00:34:27It doesn't make sense.
00:34:27It does to me.
00:34:29Well, then you're a darn side smarter than I am.
00:34:32Here, Carnoustie.
00:34:32What are you making of this?
00:34:35Solicitor contacting you.
00:34:37But, Albert, who's it from?
00:34:39Frederick Hardcastle.
00:34:41Lieutenant Commander Harvey, Divisional Officer.
00:34:44Albert, what's it mean?
00:34:46Well, how the hell do I know?
00:34:47It's a crazy mistake.
00:34:48Oh, maybe, but...
00:34:49Mr. Hardcastle's an awful careful man.
00:34:52I should have thought he'd thought twice before sending an expensive telegram like this.
00:34:58Well, it must be a mistake.
00:35:00A mistake, is it?
00:35:01What do you expect us to do now?
00:35:03Just say, Albert says the telegram's a mistake.
00:35:06Let's get on with the wedding and Bob's your uncle.
00:35:07Is that what you expect?
00:35:08Now, look, now.
00:35:09You've taken advantage of my daughter.
00:35:11You've deceived her.
00:35:13He has not.
00:35:14He's not had the opportunity.
00:35:15Keep after this.
00:35:18Led her to believe that you were free to marry, knowing all the time you weren't.
00:35:21No, that's a lie.
00:35:22I didn't know.
00:35:23I still don't know.
00:35:24Now, what are you suggesting, Ma?
00:35:25That I'll be married already?
00:35:28Look, Cheryl.
00:35:29I swear I don't know what that telegram meant.
00:35:30I swear I don't.
00:35:32You do believe me, don't you?
00:35:33Mother, she believes you're not.
00:35:35She can't marry you.
00:35:35Oh, for Pete's sake, Ma.
00:35:36Shut up.
00:35:39You're taking all this down, Flory.
00:35:40Yes, Emma.
00:35:41Shut up.
00:35:44No.
00:35:46Don't.
00:35:49Cheryl, you do believe me, don't you?
00:35:51I mean, you don't believe there was, uh, another woman?
00:35:54Another woman?
00:35:56Albert!
00:35:57Albert!
00:35:58What?
00:35:58Well, you wouldn't say that unless... unless there was another...
00:36:01Oh, hell!
00:36:03Swearing won't help you.
00:36:05You've sworn away any faith she had in you already.
00:36:09No, I'm not talking to you, Ma.
00:36:10I'm not listening to you.
00:36:12I'm not even seeing you.
00:36:14How does he do it?
00:36:16Look.
00:36:17All I'm saying, Cheryl, is if you believe for once...
00:36:19Oh, I don't know what to believe.
00:36:20After all that's happened today, I hardly even know how to think.
00:36:23First you let me go to the church and you don't turn up.
00:36:26Then when everything's strained out that telegram.
00:36:28Oh, I'd be so humiliated.
00:36:30I'll never be able to hold up my head again.
00:36:32I don't want to think anything.
00:36:33I don't want to believe anything.
00:36:35I just want to die.
00:36:37Don't we all?
00:36:38Look, Cheryl.
00:36:39Oh, don't touch me.
00:36:40I hate you.
00:36:41Of course you do.
00:36:42And I hate you, too.
00:36:43What?
00:36:43I hate everybody.
00:36:44Just leave me alone.
00:36:45Leave me alone.
00:37:04Oh, yes.
00:37:05Oh, yes.
00:37:06Everybody seems to have it in for me today.
00:37:07You little devils.
00:37:13Here, what's about in you, carnage?
00:37:14Have you got something on your mind?
00:37:17Milford Haven.
00:37:19Milford Haven?
00:37:20Shh.
00:37:20Aye, the bunny, we think starrets, uh, hate.
00:37:35What's all the shushing about?
00:37:37And you know what?
00:37:38That nasty spine all bees into here.
00:37:39Tell you what?
00:37:40What are you getting at?
00:37:41And what has Milford Haven got to do with?
00:37:43Betty Fisher.
00:37:45Aye?
00:37:46Betty Fisher.
00:37:47When we went into Milford Haven the last week, did you,
00:37:50did you see her?
00:37:51Did I see Betty Fisher?
00:37:53No, I didn't know.
00:37:55Well, I did.
00:37:56Did you now?
00:37:58Oh, and you never said.
00:37:59Well, how was she looking?
00:38:01Oh, yes.
00:38:01She was a bunny, we think.
00:38:04She's no seaweed just now.
00:38:05You mean she's in there, haven't you?
00:38:07Aye, that's just what I do mean.
00:38:09And when I, when I spoke to her the day before yesterday,
00:38:11she asked after you.
00:38:15She asked after me?
00:38:17In a very curious tone of voice.
00:38:19Um, well, with that and that telegram arriving, well,
00:38:22I was, I was just beginning to wonder.
00:38:25Carnoustie, what are you suggesting?
00:38:27Well, I'm only thinking about that night you took her to the dance.
00:38:29Oh.
00:38:30Oh, yes.
00:38:31Oh, so that's the way your mind's working, is it?
00:38:33Now, you know very well I missed the last liberty vote.
00:38:36Aye, aye, aye.
00:38:36I remember that's what you said,
00:38:37and that you spent the night in the YMCA,
00:38:40and we all thought it rather strange.
00:38:43You thought it was strange?
00:38:45Well, I, I didn't know.
00:38:46Oh, but you do now.
00:38:47Oh, but I'm only facing the facts.
00:38:48I'm thinking about that telegram,
00:38:49and I'm thinking that possibly Betty Fisher may have seen
00:38:52the lieutenant commander.
00:38:52She may have seen it.
00:38:54Hey, shh.
00:39:03Excuse me.
00:39:04Just remembered something.
00:39:08Oh, well, do you think she heard?
00:39:09I don't give a damn whether she heard or not.
00:39:11But I'd ask you to remember that eight months ago,
00:39:13I'd just got myself engaged to Shirley.
00:39:14Oh, yes, that's tasty.
00:39:15Oh, that's very lovely.
00:39:16Oh, I am surprised at you, Carnoustie.
00:39:18You have the mind of a sewer rat.
00:39:23Say that again.
00:39:24A sewer rat!
00:39:27Aye.
00:39:27Uh-huh.
00:39:28Uh-huh.
00:39:29Ah, well.
00:39:30Well, that just about settles it then, eh?
00:39:33I'll be saying goodbye to you, Albert Tufnel,
00:39:35till the end of our leave.
00:39:37Goodbye, Albert Tufnel.
00:39:39Goodbye, Carnoustie Blanc.
00:39:41Aye.
00:39:43Goodbye, Mr. Hornet.
00:39:50What's the hurry?
00:39:51I'm getting my things on my way out of here.
00:39:53That's what you think.
00:39:54You are not putting a step outside this house
00:39:57until I know some of the facts.
00:39:58Charts, I don't know what you're talking about.
00:40:00Oh, well, you soon will.
00:40:01Come on in there, if you please.
00:40:02Hey, now, listen, Mrs. Hornet.
00:40:07Albert.
00:40:08Go to hell.
00:40:09Ah, I'm trying to go somewhere else for a change.
00:40:11Eh?
00:40:12Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.
00:40:14I thought it was a...
00:40:15Tell me, Albert.
00:40:17No one can't lose to you.
00:40:18You haven't had a row, have you?
00:40:22Well, tell you the truth, Pop.
00:40:24Yes, we have.
00:40:24Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:40:26He's such a nice lad.
00:40:28I'd hate to think that it was anything that had happened here,
00:40:30you know, that...
00:40:30No, no, no, no.
00:40:31Forget it.
00:40:32Forget it, sir.
00:40:32I'll let you say something.
00:40:35Good pals are hard to come by.
00:40:38You're my little pals, aren't you, dear little devil?
00:40:41This pin-up girl, she's just had a family of 16.
00:40:44Oh, they're wonderful things, ferrets.
00:40:47The one thing about them, they don't do things by arms.
00:40:53Statement, if you please.
00:40:55Statement?
00:40:55You don't leave here until I get a statement signed,
00:40:58sealed, and delivered.
00:40:59But what about?
00:41:00About him and that girl from Milford Haven.
00:41:02What?
00:41:05That's taken the wind out of your sails, hasn't it?
00:41:09What?
00:41:11I've heard a waltz having ears, but I've never...
00:41:17Aye.
00:41:18I kind of knew.
00:41:20Aye, you're wired for sound, all right, Mrs. Loudspeaker.
00:41:24I know my duty to my friends, I hope.
00:41:26Yes, it was Mrs. Loudspeaker that told me, and why shouldn't she?
00:41:30She's got girls of her own, haven't you, Flory?
00:41:32Yes, I have, too.
00:41:34She heard you saying how Albert Tapnell carried on with that girl from Milford Haven,
00:41:39betraying and deceiving my daughter.
00:41:41And I'm grateful to her for telling me.
00:41:44I only hope I'll be able to do the same for her one day.
00:41:48Statement, please.
00:41:50You can whistle for any statement from me.
00:41:52If you think I'd so far demean myself to putting down on paper a personal private conversation I had with
00:41:59my best pal...
00:41:59Thanks, pal.
00:42:01We'll see about this.
00:42:04Where's Henry?
00:42:05Yeah, he's at the back with his pal.
00:42:07He's got to know about this.
00:42:17Do you play?
00:42:19There you are.
00:42:20Come on.
00:42:21Here, here.
00:42:22And no bud in the hand that feeds you if you don't mind.
00:42:26Henry!
00:42:28I think I'll change my name.
00:42:31What?
00:42:31Come on inside.
00:42:32But I've got to go over here.
00:42:33You've got to do as you're told.
00:42:35You don't know what that lad's been up to.
00:42:37Whatever he's been up to.
00:42:37I know.
00:42:38Whatever he's been up to.
00:42:39You don't care.
00:42:40So long as you can stay here with your blessed ferrets.
00:42:42Come on!
00:42:42But the ferrets have gone...
00:42:44Henry Hornet.
00:42:45You frighten me.
00:42:46You do straight.
00:42:47There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night and I wonder whether I'm in bed
00:42:51with a man or a parrot.
00:42:54And I didn't want to hear another word out of you.
00:42:57You nasty, spying old beazel.
00:43:00Yeah, what's he?
00:43:02A deceiver of innocent girls, and it was only right that Shirley should know it.
00:43:07Shirley?
00:43:09You mean you told her?
00:43:12Of course I have.
00:43:13It was my duty.
00:43:14If it's any satisfaction to you to know it, the poor girl's upstairs sobbing her heart out.
00:43:19You wicked old bitch!
00:43:21You!
00:43:23Carnoustie, if you want to do me a favor, tear her insides out and feed them to pop's ferrets.
00:43:29Shirley!
00:43:30Shirley!
00:43:32Shirley!
00:43:34I don't want to see him.
00:43:35Daphne, tell him I don't want to see him.
00:43:37Right.
00:43:41Where's Shirley?
00:43:42She doesn't want to see you, Albert.
00:43:44That's just too bad.
00:43:45She's got to see me.
00:43:46I won't wait, Daphne.
00:43:49Shirley!
00:43:51I want you to open this door.
00:43:55Shirley, I asked you to open the door.
00:43:57Albert, please!
00:43:58Please go away!
00:44:00Shirley, if you don't open this door by the time I count three, I'll burst it open!
00:44:03Leave me alone!
00:44:08One!
00:44:09Haven't you done enough damage already?
00:44:12Two!
00:44:13There's nothing you can say to me!
00:44:16Three!
00:44:29Well, that was very wise of you.
00:44:33Don't think your ma would have fancied the door off its hinges?
00:44:44I, uh, understand Mrs. Clacketylack told you what she happened to over here just now between Carnoustie and me?
00:44:55Well, that's charming.
00:44:57I don't even have to ask her whether you believe it or not.
00:45:00Carnoustie believes it. Why shouldn't I?
00:45:03Oh, yes. Well, I mean, he only believed it until I told him the truth.
00:45:06You told him the truth.
00:45:09Look.
00:45:12Shirley, will you please let me explain?
00:45:15What is there to explain?
00:45:16You can't deny that you knew that girl at Milford Haven.
00:45:19I'm not denying it. There was no harm in that.
00:45:20Or that you took her to the dark.
00:45:21Well, there was no harm in that I...
00:45:22Or that you saw her home.
00:45:23Or I saw her home.
00:45:23And now the girl...
00:45:24I swear I didn't even kiss her.
00:45:27Even though you saw her home.
00:45:29Sounds like a kid's fairy story to me.
00:45:31Especially the bit about you spending the night at the YMCA.
00:45:34Huh.
00:45:35Now, look, Shirley.
00:45:36I love you.
00:45:38But if you're gonna believe any story you hear,
00:45:40if you're gonna listen to your mum...
00:45:42Leave my mother out of this.
00:45:44I wish I could.
00:45:49Have a look at the girl's mum first.
00:45:51And stop mumbling to yourself.
00:45:53I was just repeating a bit of advice a very wise man gave me.
00:45:57Pity he didn't give it to you before you met the girl at Milford Haven.
00:46:01Blast Milford Haven!
00:46:03That's right.
00:46:04Lose your temper, just like all men.
00:46:06Get what you want.
00:46:07Now, look, Shirley.
00:46:08I love you.
00:46:09I want to marry you.
00:46:11But...
00:46:11If we're gonna start our married life with you believing any bit of gossip
00:46:14you hear from a lot of tabby cats,
00:46:16then we'd better call it quits right now.
00:46:21Now, I know what most people think sailors are.
00:46:24You're not gonna tell me I'm the first girl.
00:46:26No, I'm not.
00:46:27And I'm not saying that I'm the first boy you've ever been out with.
00:46:31But I'm not asking you about the boys who kissed you.
00:46:36Sure, I'm in the Navy, not in a monastery.
00:46:41But what do you expect?
00:46:44I mean, months and months at sea,
00:46:46with nothing but a lot of men talking about a...
00:46:48a lot of girls.
00:46:50No.
00:46:51Well, I've never posed as a saint.
00:46:55But it's only natural when a...
00:46:58when a man...
00:47:00Well, I think...
00:47:09Oh, Shirley.
00:47:15Shirley, you're the only girl I've ever wanted to marry.
00:47:18You're the only girl I've ever asked.
00:47:20How do I know you're telling me the truth?
00:47:22Because I'm telling it to you.
00:47:24It's not your mum or Mrs. Clacketylack.
00:47:28Oh, Shirley.
00:47:52Leave me alone, Albert.
00:47:57Shirley, once and for all, do you want to marry me or don't you?
00:48:01It makes no difference what I want or what you want.
00:48:04Oh.
00:48:05So you won't even listen to me?
00:48:07No.
00:48:08Taking a leaf out of your mother's book, are you?
00:48:10She's not very good at listening either.
00:48:12But you're going to listen, and yes, by gosh, so is she.
00:48:15Now, Albert.
00:48:16I'm going to cut those apron strings you're tied to once and for all.
00:48:19Hey, Albert.
00:48:20Come on, we're going downstairs.
00:48:21No, I'm staying up here.
00:48:22That's what you...
00:48:23Albert, put me down!
00:48:24This won't do you when you don't.
00:48:26No.
00:48:26It's making me feel better already.
00:48:28Oh!
00:48:29Whatever this says, it'll be a pack of lies.
00:48:31That's not fair, Aunt Emma.
00:48:32Don't you tell me what's fair and what isn't.
00:48:35And I'm disgusted with you, Daphne Pink,
00:48:37the way you flung yourself at that one.
00:48:39You see a man in a pair of bell-bottom trousers
00:48:41and you don't know whether you're coming or going.
00:48:44Oh!
00:48:45Put me down!
00:48:47Put me down!
00:48:48Put her down!
00:48:49Who do you think you are, Tarzan?
00:48:51Pipe down, Mark.
00:48:52What did you say?
00:48:53I said pipe down.
00:48:54And if you wanted any planer than that,
00:48:56shut that ruddy great trap of yours.
00:48:58What?
00:48:58Because if you don't, I'm going to shut it for you.
00:49:02Yes.
00:49:03All right, then.
00:49:04You're going to listen to me for a change.
00:49:05And this means you.
00:49:06Now, all this Milford Haven bunkum
00:49:08is bunkum and nothing else.
00:49:09And as for this ruddy telegram here,
00:49:11I don't know what the heck it means,
00:49:12but I'm going to ring up right now and find out.
00:49:15Alfred!
00:49:16Surprise!
00:49:17I found it on the doorstep.
00:49:19Someone to see you.
00:49:20Shipmate of yours.
00:49:32Well, if this isn't the very last straw,
00:49:34as if I haven't got enough to cover the...
00:49:35Woman, will you no hold your tongue?
00:49:37Do you no ken who it is?
00:49:39Stop jabbering at me in that heathen Scotch.
00:49:41If you can't speak civilized English, don't speak at all.
00:49:44Now, young man.
00:49:45Well, I hope, ma'am, I haven't arrived at an inopportune moment.
00:49:47All right, Blar.
00:49:49Sir!
00:49:50Relax, Blar.
00:49:51Sir!
00:49:52Both of you, relax.
00:49:54Sir!
00:49:54Stop doing that!
00:49:55Sir!
00:49:57Well, you've got the telegram in time to stop the waiting, I hope.
00:50:01As bad luck would have it.
00:50:03Yes, sir.
00:50:04Well, if I'm not put a word in in me own house,
00:50:07if I'm not presuming, I'd like to know I'm entertaining.
00:50:13Sir!
00:50:14Mrs. Hornet?
00:50:16Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.
00:50:19Oh!
00:50:20It's you, is it?
00:50:22Oh, well, now, perhaps we'll get the truth at last.
00:50:25Not that we haven't got it already.
00:50:27Henry, Shirley, come on in here.
00:50:36Well, young man, let's have it.
00:50:38Yes, well, I wonder if I could, um...
00:50:40Oh, this is my husband, Henry.
00:50:42This is Mr. Um...
00:50:43Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.
00:50:45Well, as I was saying, this is my husband.
00:50:47Pleased to meet you, sir.
00:50:48And this is my daughter, Shirley.
00:50:50Poor girl.
00:50:51Well, how do you do?
00:50:52Very pleased to meet you.
00:50:54And this is...
00:50:55Oh, well, she's neither here nor there.
00:50:57Well, now we've got all the introductions over.
00:51:00Out, you.
00:51:01Yes, but Emma...
00:51:02Out!
00:51:02Banfield's side is sending back the presents at once,
00:51:06because they're clattering up their tea rooms.
00:51:08Well, go out and look out for them, then.
00:51:09Anything but get out of here.
00:51:11Yes, all right.
00:51:12I've been very glad to know you, sir.
00:51:14Oh, that's all right.
00:51:15Come on, come on.
00:51:23Now, this man can't marry my daughter.
00:51:26What's he done?
00:51:27Well, I'd prefer to have a word with the able seamen alone.
00:51:30Whatever you've got to say, you'll say before this assembled company.
00:51:33I'll have no hole-in-the-corner jiggery-pokery nonsense, thank you.
00:51:37I know you sailors.
00:51:39I beg your pardon, ma'am.
00:51:40Well, Tufnel, is it your wish that I...
00:51:42Will you tell us straight out?
00:51:44Why can't he marry my Shirley?
00:51:45Very well.
00:51:48It is with great reluctance that I have to inform you
00:51:51that the trouble is a question of, um, paternity.
00:51:54Why?
00:51:55Why?
00:51:56It can't be true.
00:51:57It can't be true.
00:51:58Can you dare deny it?
00:51:59And here it comes out of your own pal's mouth.
00:52:02Pal?
00:52:03No, that's a lie, sir.
00:52:04I swear it is.
00:52:05I don't care what the girls say.
00:52:06I took her home from the dance.
00:52:07Yes, I admit that.
00:52:08But as for anything else, I didn't even kiss her.
00:52:10I don't know what you're talking about.
00:52:11What I'm talking about when I say it's a question of paternity,
00:52:14I mean your own.
00:52:16Well, that's the...
00:52:18fool.
00:52:21Sir?
00:52:22Hmm.
00:52:23I can't stand any more of this.
00:52:25Mr. Newcastle, for the last time,
00:52:27will you come down to Brastax and tell me
00:52:29why Albert Tufnel can't marry my daughter?
00:52:31I will, because Albert Tufnel is not Albert Tufnel.
00:52:35Albert Tufnel?
00:52:36No.
00:52:37Would you... would you mind saying that again, sir?
00:52:40You mean he isn't him?
00:52:41In a manner of speaking, yes. You see, uh...
00:52:43According to you, I don't say.
00:52:45I think I'm saying Albert Tufnel, you say I'm not.
00:52:48What I said, I hoped made it clear
00:52:50that Tufnel's name is not really Tufnel.
00:52:53Well, uh...
00:52:55What I know, what is my name's?
00:52:57Thimble. Albert Thimble.
00:53:00Albert?
00:53:01Thimble.
00:53:02See? Nearly got yourself married to a thimble.
00:53:05Oh, man.
00:53:06That would've given you the needle, wouldn't it?
00:53:13I wish you'd explain, sir.
00:53:15I will, if I'm given a chance, without interruption.
00:53:18Quiet, everybody!
00:53:21Now, Tufnel, I mean Thimble.
00:53:22You've no objection to this being discussed in public.
00:53:25I mean, it is a rather delicate position.
00:53:27Well, we've got to know, haven't we?
00:53:30He was going to marry my daughter.
00:53:31We want to know why he can't.
00:53:33And we'll hear it from you, if you don't mind.
00:53:36Not served up second hand by him.
00:53:38Carry on, please.
00:53:39Albert, if you'd rather I went.
00:53:41I'll go too.
00:53:42No, no, no, you too. Sit down.
00:53:44Of course, if you'd rather I went, you've only got to say the word.
00:53:47In that case, Flory, I'll say it. Go.
00:53:51Go!
00:53:53What?
00:53:54Henry, where are your manners?
00:53:56Show Mrs. Luck out.
00:53:59I'm not one to stay where I'm not wanted,
00:54:01but seeing that I was invited to one wedding that didn't come off.
00:54:04Well, I'm waiting to begin.
00:54:05Well, we're waiting for you, so begin.
00:54:07I wonder, Emma.
00:54:09I wonder if you'll ever have a wedding in the family.
00:54:14Henry!
00:54:15Lock that door!
00:54:18I wouldn't put it past that one sneakin' back and listenin' to the keel.
00:54:27Thimble, I'm afraid this won't make very pleasant hearing for you.
00:54:29Henry, come and sit down.
00:54:30But you can console yourself with the fact.
00:54:31And don't interrupt.
00:54:32You can console yourself with the fact that you are in no way to blame,
00:54:36just the unfortunate victim of circumstances, shall we say.
00:54:39All right, we'll say it. Carry on.
00:54:43Now, what's the matter? Headache?
00:54:46No, not yet.
00:54:48You never knew your mother, did you?
00:54:50No, sir. I was brought up in an orphanage.
00:54:52That's in your record, of course.
00:54:53Well, if you know that already, what are you doing?
00:54:56Mrs. Hornet, I am trying to make excuses for your unbalanced state of mind, shall we say.
00:55:02Unbalanced? Are you suggesting?
00:55:03I am suggesting that, at the moment, you are not your normal self.
00:55:07Ha, ha, ha.
00:55:08Sir!
00:55:09Relax, Clyde.
00:55:11Sir.
00:55:14Ahem.
00:55:15Henry.
00:55:15What?
00:55:16Quiet.
00:55:18Christopher Robbins saying his prayers.
00:55:23I'm afraid I have to tell you, Thibault, that you were born out of wedlock.
00:55:27Oh, and so you're a... I'm going to say it. You're a...
00:55:31Mrs. Hornet!
00:55:32Come on, noose!
00:55:33I'm not gonna help her or anyone else.
00:55:34Clyde!
00:55:35Sir!
00:55:36Relax.
00:55:38Is that an order, sir?
00:55:39It is.
00:55:46Well, uh...
00:55:48Who was my mother, sir?
00:55:50Uh, Miss Rose Thimble, a spinster.
00:55:59Of course, I didn't know her, so, uh, it doesn't matter a lot to me, I suppose.
00:56:05Edie!
00:56:05Oh, Mrs. Hornet, please.
00:56:07Yes, Emma?
00:56:09Oh, is it all right, I mean, between Albert and Shirley?
00:56:12Are they gonna live happily ever after, never depart no more?
00:56:15Are you deaf?
00:56:16No, Emma, I'm not.
00:56:17Honey, I thought you didn't want me to listen.
00:56:20I'm not one to listen behind doors or anything like that.
00:56:23The front doorbell is ringing.
00:56:25Go on, I can't hear you.
00:56:27Oh, yes, I can!
00:56:29She got ears like a elk held.
00:56:32Evil.
00:56:34Sorry for the hiatus.
00:56:35Sorry for the what?
00:56:36Hiatus.
00:56:37So do I.
00:56:39Thanks ever so for keeping your eye on these.
00:56:42They're the presents.
00:56:43We're gonna send them all back.
00:56:45Oh, poor Shirley.
00:56:46Oh, we're keeping Shirley.
00:56:50You were saying there's a legal reason, sir.
00:56:52Oh, yes.
00:56:53Your mother took a step which was unfortunately quite wrong in law.
00:56:56She registered your birth under her mother's own maiden name
00:56:59as Tufnell and not Thimble.
00:57:01She gave her pokery ochers pokers.
00:57:03She left her home to live in London as Mrs. Tufnell,
00:57:06waiting to get you into an orphanage.
00:57:08And then later on, she married and emigrated to Australia.
00:57:12She died a year ago.
00:57:14A widow.
00:57:15Well, London solicitors have traced you to your present assignment,
00:57:18the aircraft carrier.
00:57:19Excuse me.
00:57:20Put it down.
00:57:21Put it down.
00:57:23Not on him.
00:57:24In the kitchen.
00:57:25Aunt Edie, let me have it, Aunt Edie.
00:57:27It's quite alright, dear.
00:57:29You go and talk to your friend.
00:57:32But Aunt Edie, the lieutenant commander's not my friend.
00:57:35Why?
00:57:36Have you quarrelled?
00:57:37Why, if you let me have a...
00:57:38Blimey!
00:57:39Sir!
00:57:43Excuse me.
00:57:43He's ever so kind of you, young man,
00:57:45that you shouldn't have bothered.
00:57:47It's alright.
00:57:48In there?
00:57:48Yes, if you don't mind.
00:57:50Wouldn't you like to go and make it up now
00:57:52with that other nice young sailor?
00:57:54I should.
00:57:55I'm sure he didn't mean it, whatever he said.
00:57:58I mean, you might get called in the night.
00:58:01Then you'd be sorry.
00:58:02It's no use.
00:58:03She'll have to go.
00:58:04Well, you might not get called in the night.
00:58:05The solicitors got in touch with the captain
00:58:07and, learning that you were being married today,
00:58:09said you shouldn't be allowed to do so under a false name.
00:58:12The captain instructed me to send their telegram
00:58:14and suggested that I might come down and explain to you personally.
00:58:17Well, that was very kind of the captain, sir.
00:58:18It was, uh...
00:58:23Very kind.
00:58:26Albert?
00:58:27Yes, sir?
00:58:31Um...
00:58:33I'm...
00:58:36No, now!
00:58:38But, uh...
00:58:38Sir?
00:58:39Yes, Miss Molly?
00:58:40Does this mean that Albert won't ever be able to get married, ever?
00:58:43Oh, good heavens no.
00:58:44But hardly today.
00:58:46He has to decide whether to marry as a tufnel or a thimble.
00:58:49But...
00:58:50And it would be very unfair to you to allow you to marry
00:58:52without knowing the circumstances.
00:58:53But, sir, if it's okay with Shirley,
00:58:55there's nothing to stop us getting married right away, is there?
00:58:57Well, it's a question of changing your name.
00:58:59I imagine it would take a little time.
00:59:01Uh...
00:59:01Perhaps your clergyman could give you special permission.
00:59:04Permission?
00:59:05Well, who from, sir?
00:59:07Oh.
00:59:07Well, from the bishop of the diocese, I suppose.
00:59:10Perhaps the Archbishop of Canterbury.
00:59:12The Archbishop of Canterbury?
00:59:15Excuse me.
00:59:16Yes, Mrs. Ornett?
00:59:17I've been sitting here very quiet.
00:59:19Haven't said a word.
00:59:21Nobody's bothered to say a word to me.
00:59:22You say that my daughter will have to have permission to marry him.
00:59:26Uh, yes.
00:59:27And that the Archbishop of Canterbury will give it to her.
00:59:30Well, I only said that, sir.
00:59:31Sure.
00:59:32Well, I must have been living under a misapprehension all these years.
00:59:35I thought I was Shirley's mother, not the Archbishop of Canterbury.
00:59:39Uh, Mrs. Ornett?
00:59:41If I say that Shirley won't marry this, um, thimble, she won't.
00:59:46And I say that with all due respect to the Archbishop of Canterbury,
00:59:50the Dean of St. Paul's, and the entire Roman Catholic Vatican.
00:59:54Mrs. Ornett?
00:59:54You may wear a beard.
00:59:56You may be a little king on your boat, pacing your four quarters,
00:59:59with everyone raising their hats to you.
01:00:02But here you're of no more importance than...
01:00:08See what I mean?
01:00:10Mrs. Ornett?
01:00:12You've come to say what you had to say, and you've said it.
01:00:15And as far as I can see, there's nothing more for you to say.
01:00:18So, if you don't mind...
01:00:23Was there anything else you wanted to say, sir?
01:00:25There's a lot I'd like to say.
01:00:26My car's down in the market square. You'd better walk down with me.
01:00:29Sir!
01:00:31Everything over and done with.
01:00:34Thank you, sir, for all the trouble you've been to.
01:00:36I'm, uh, sorry, Mother's Day.
01:00:39Oh, no, that's quite all right.
01:00:42Well, I must ring the captain. Mission completed.
01:00:44And then I'll be away.
01:00:46Oh, you're not going?
01:00:48I am.
01:00:48But you haven't had a sandwich.
01:00:51Won't you take one?
01:00:52I've had all I can take today, thank you.
01:00:54Shall I wrap some up for you?
01:00:57I think you ought to try and pick a bit.
01:00:59I'm sure you'll find plenty to do once you get on the boat.
01:01:04Edie, go and get those presents unpacked.
01:01:06Yes, Emma.
01:01:09It's tang.
01:01:10I'm dotty about tang.
01:01:14Oh, but you're not leaving me with this lot here.
01:01:16Live.
01:01:17Sir.
01:01:18I want a few moments alone with symbol, please.
01:01:20Sir.
01:01:21You ready?
01:01:21Sir.
01:01:22Right.
01:01:24Mr. Horace.
01:01:25Sir.
01:01:25Mrs. Horace.
01:01:27Sir.
01:01:28Bye, Miss.
01:01:29Relax, Mrs. Horace.
01:01:32Oh.
01:01:33Here.
01:01:39I'll see them to the front door.
01:01:42Not without me.
01:01:45Oh, I could brain you.
01:01:47Oh, what have I done?
01:01:48Oh, making me say sir and saluting and...
01:01:51What are you looking so pleased about?
01:01:53Oh, it's wonderful.
01:01:55Isn't it wonderful, Emma?
01:01:57Six and eleven, Mark St. Spencer.
01:01:59Oh, I didn't mean this.
01:02:01I meant Albert and Shirley.
01:02:03Everything's come out right.
01:02:04Love has found a way.
01:02:07Love has found them all.
01:02:08After all their vicissitudes, they've come together again.
01:02:12Into harbour at last.
01:02:14Peace.
01:02:15After the storm.
01:02:16Never more to part.
01:02:19Of course.
01:02:20What do I do?
01:02:21Anything but follow us.
01:02:29Well, Henry, we've got to think.
01:02:31And I suppose I'll have to think for you, as usual.
01:02:33What about?
01:02:34Are you telling me that you've no objection to that lad,
01:02:37Mary and Shirley, now?
01:02:38Oh, well, the poor lad can't help being born out of wedlock.
01:02:42He doesn't even know who his father was.
01:02:45Well, do you know who your father was?
01:02:48You're very well.
01:02:49My father was Ezra Lightingale.
01:02:53Henry, you never heard anything about my mother.
01:02:57Mother, I mean.
01:02:58Oh, no.
01:02:59Except that she used to go to an awful lot of whist drives,
01:03:02leaving your father at home.
01:03:04Well, he didn't like them.
01:03:05Well, he was asking for trouble, wasn't he?
01:03:08Letting her go on her own.
01:03:09For all he knows, somebody might have trumped her ace.
01:03:14But everyone might call him up.
01:03:16Well, what does it matter if they do?
01:03:18Why, all my pals have been calling me poor old bastard for years.
01:03:22Henry Hornet.
01:03:24Oh, they made it very kindly.
01:03:27Emma, if you stop this, Miss Mary...
01:03:29Who said I was going to stop it?
01:03:31If Shirley wants to marry Albert, she can.
01:03:34After he's taken his rightful name and not before.
01:03:37I'll have no sitting down to dinner before the gong goes.
01:03:46Uncle Henry, what's up now?
01:03:48There'll be no wedding today anyhow.
01:03:50Well, I'll...
01:03:51Well, Albert, do.
01:03:52I wouldn't blame him whatever he did, poor young devil.
01:03:56I'd hardly blame him if he took his honeymoon first
01:03:58and his wedding after.
01:04:01I'm going out to my ferrets.
01:04:06Well, there's one thing I promise you, Carnoustie.
01:04:08There won't be any trouble like this over our wedding.
01:04:12Our wedding?
01:04:13Well, I did tell you I'd agree to marry you, didn't I?
01:04:17You've not been asked.
01:04:19Well, ask it me noon.
01:04:31Edie!
01:04:32Where do you think you're going?
01:04:33I'm going, Emma.
01:04:35I'm going right away before I change my mind.
01:04:38Going where?
01:04:39Well, to the church, of course.
01:04:41To the wedding.
01:04:42What?
01:04:43Yes, Emma.
01:04:44I'll crush my great sorrow deep down inside me
01:04:47and I'm going to see Shirley and Albert married.
01:04:50They're coming together again.
01:04:51I want to be there when they join.
01:04:53I'm telling you, there isn't...
01:04:55I only decided after a struggle
01:04:57then I put on my best clothes and borrowed a...
01:05:01My best clothes, you mean?
01:05:02And you can go and take them off again.
01:05:04Well, I can't go to church without any clothes on.
01:05:08How many times am I going to tell you
01:05:10there isn't going to be any wedding?
01:05:14Oh, Emma, you wicked.
01:05:17You've come between them.
01:05:19You're not going to let them marry
01:05:21all because poor Albert was born out of bedlock.
01:05:26Bedlock?
01:05:26I'm warning you, Emma.
01:05:28You're playing fast and loose with fate.
01:05:31Don't do it, Cole.
01:05:32Don't just do it.
01:05:34Shirley and Albert was made for one another.
01:05:37Like salmon and cucumber.
01:05:46That'll be Albert back.
01:05:48Oh, now they'll be battle, murder and sudden death.
01:05:50Oh, yes, but, darling, all my leaves up in two weeks.
01:05:53Then I've got three months foreign service to do.
01:05:55Have you heard the latest?
01:05:57We have.
01:05:58Are you going to stand for it?
01:05:59Well, what else can we do?
01:06:00I'll tell you what you can do.
01:06:02You can take your honeymoon first and your wedding after.
01:06:05Well, it's Uncle Henry's idea, not mine.
01:06:08Do you mean go to Brighton as if we were married?
01:06:11Oh, I couldn't be doing such a thing.
01:06:13Well, I'd like Aunt Emma to think you've done it.
01:06:15And if she thought you had, she'd run you and Albert to the church so fast
01:06:19that you'd be married before you realized it.
01:06:22Yeah, she's right, honey.
01:06:23Anyway, you won't be alone.
01:06:25We'll be with you.
01:06:26Is there no limit to your sinfulness, woman?
01:06:29What I'm suggesting is that we go with Shirley and Albert playing gooseberry.
01:06:34And although Aunt Emma won't know it, Shirley and I will be sharing one room
01:06:38and you and Albert another.
01:06:39Oh.
01:06:41What's he?
01:06:43And you can take that look of disappointment off your face.
01:06:47We'll see what we can do about it.
01:06:51You know, Daphne, you've got something there.
01:06:57What do you say, Shirley?
01:06:59Now, it's all up to you.
01:07:02Dare we?
01:07:03Yes, Albert. Why not?
01:07:06Good for you.
01:07:08Now, you're packed up and labeled, aren't you, Albert?
01:07:10I'll just go and get ready. We'll need a taxi.
01:07:11No, wait a minute. I'll get one.
01:07:12I'll get it to wait around the corner.
01:07:14Can you be ready in five minutes?
01:07:15Oh, less than that.
01:07:21It is a bit of an anxious moment, isn't it?
01:07:23Aye.
01:07:25Bringing two unmarried people together is an awful risk.
01:07:29Shirley's in no more danger from Albert than I am from you.
01:07:32And that's not saying much.
01:07:35Well, I'll be too sure of that.
01:07:40How about them?
01:07:42For us?
01:07:44Well, I'm talking about men and women in general,
01:07:47about the fiery elements and the nature.
01:07:51Can you see?
01:07:53What?
01:07:54Have you got a fiery element?
01:08:02I'm capable of emotion.
01:08:05I'll have you know that at times I'm carried away on a mighty tide of passion.
01:08:15When is it? High tide now?
01:08:18Aye.
01:08:20Aye it is.
01:08:39Oh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. But you mustn't do it.
01:08:46Oh, don't stop it from me, dears.
01:08:48All right, but taxi's to the corner. I've got the bags down. We're off.
01:08:50Off. Albert, where are you going?
01:08:53I'm ready, Albert. And I've done some new labels.
01:08:56You're never eloping.
01:08:57Shirley, you can't do it. Albert Love, you can't do it.
01:09:01It's flying in the face of Emma. As long as we're flying.
01:09:06Daphne, you're not going too with Carnoustie.
01:09:09Aren't I?
01:09:11It's a Brighton.
01:09:12Brighton? But you're not even engaged. She's a sailor.
01:09:17Aunt Edie? Out of the road.
01:09:19No, Albert Love. I've got to stop you.
01:09:22My conscience tells me I've got to stop you.
01:09:25Aunt Edie.
01:09:30Stop!
01:09:34Bless you!
01:09:36Stop! Stop!
01:09:39What are you stopping for?
01:09:40For this.
01:09:41Oh, I'll be stopping.
01:09:42Diggly joke.
01:09:43Not only that.
01:09:48Well, anybody can have daughters.
01:09:50Yeah.
01:09:50I wouldn't be bothered with them, I'll tell you that, no.
01:09:59Daphne.
01:10:01Daphne, no! Daphne, no!
01:10:03Oh, Daphne will be figured.
01:10:05Don't you let on our helter to go,
01:10:08else I shall get drunk out of the brownies.
01:10:11All right, sir.
01:10:12And this is about to put a boon in here!
01:10:15Daphne, you all!
01:10:18Oh, my God.
01:10:50Oh, my God.
01:11:40Hello.
01:11:41Hello.
01:11:43Now, look.
01:11:44Is my call ever coming through, please?
01:11:46Yes, sir, I'll just ask them for you.
01:11:48All right, come on.
01:11:52Oh, good Lord.
01:12:07Send a signal to 85, telling them...
01:12:11Hmm, see who it is.
01:12:13Yes?
01:12:15One moment, sir.
01:12:16For you, sir, Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.
01:12:19Oh, yes, that's the Tufnel Thimble business.
01:12:24There's Hardcastle.
01:12:25Oh, uh, Hardcastle speaking, sir.
01:12:27Uh, just reporting, mission completed.
01:12:30I saw Tufnel and he said...
01:12:33Oh, ho, I wonder he didn't say something stronger.
01:12:36I should have done so in his place.
01:12:39Wedding blitzed and all that.
01:12:40I said I'm here...
01:12:42What's that?
01:12:43He didn't say blind O'Reilly, but dash it all, you just said he...
01:12:46I'm always so glad I found you.
01:12:48He never after you won't have won.
01:12:50It's just...
01:12:54I think he's pickled.
01:12:57What in heaven's name are you trying to say?
01:13:00Will you please take your hand off my leg, woman?
01:13:02Who the devil's with you, Hardcastle?
01:13:04He, he, he, he, he...
01:13:05It's his fear.
01:13:07He's tickling me.
01:13:09Hardcastle, what's going on at your end?
01:13:10I distinctly heard a woman's voice.
01:13:15Woman's voice, sir?
01:13:17Oh, no, no, no.
01:13:17Must be a crossed line.
01:13:19Now, as I said about Tufnel...
01:13:21Mm-hmm.
01:13:21I mean Thimble.
01:13:23He was at the bride's house.
01:13:24Yes, yes.
01:13:25Lucky, sir, because he was late on the rain this morning,
01:13:27just missed the wedding ceremony.
01:13:29Mm-hmm.
01:13:32What's that?
01:13:33You told him what?
01:13:35Well, of all the blithering nitwit idiots,
01:13:37who told you to tell him that?
01:13:40Where's Thim Tuf... Tuf...
01:13:43Where's the man now?
01:13:44Where is he, sir?
01:13:47Well, um...
01:13:50Where is Tufnel?
01:13:51That's what I wanted to tell you, he's eloped.
01:13:55That's what I wanted to tell you, he's eloped.
01:13:57Eloped?
01:13:58You probably put the lid on the whole business.
01:14:00The rawest snot he could have done better than that.
01:14:02Now, just you find him and tell him what I've told you.
01:14:04Understood?
01:14:05Find him!
01:14:07Ah, there he goes to show, you never can tell.
01:14:09Hard castle of all people with some hot cookie in a telephone box.
01:14:12Thought he was happily married.
01:14:14With three children, sir.
01:14:23Oh, there's a train come.
01:14:25Are you cold, honey?
01:14:26No, I just felt something terrible might happen before we can get away.
01:14:31Everything's happened already, what else could?
01:14:33Excuse me.
01:14:34Excuse me.
01:14:35Excuse me.
01:14:36Excuse me.
01:14:37Excuse me.
01:14:38A ticket, please.
01:14:39We're not traveling.
01:14:40Well, you want a platform ticket or something?
01:14:42He's all mine.
01:14:43Stop pushing.
01:14:44Where's my husband?
01:14:45I don't know.
01:14:46It's not my department.
01:14:47That's lost property.
01:14:48Well, he was here by my side a minute ago.
01:14:50Well, he must have slipped his lead.
01:14:52Henry!
01:14:52Henry!
01:14:54Henry!
01:14:56Yeah!
01:14:56Come on.
01:15:02Look, Mommy.
01:15:03Sailors.
01:15:05Yes, they're pretty, aren't they?
01:15:06You do it, man.
01:15:08Doc!
01:15:09Doc!
01:15:14Hey, Doc!
01:15:28Come on.
01:15:30Come on.
01:15:31Hey, Harry, wait a minute!
01:15:38Of course they're here.
01:15:39No train leaves the station till I've found them.
01:15:44There you are.
01:15:45That old shell is back.
01:15:46Come on.
01:15:49Oh, come on.
01:15:52Well, come on.
01:15:53Get up, the lot of you.
01:15:54Now, look here, madam.
01:15:55I'm not talking to you.
01:15:56Henry, stand by that door.
01:15:57And if either of these two try to bolt,
01:15:59knock her unconscious.
01:16:01Oh, please.
01:16:02Don't make a scene.
01:16:02Not in here.
01:16:03I'll make a scene when I like my girl.
01:16:05And if this lot don't like it,
01:16:07they know what that can do.
01:16:08Well, really?
01:16:10Henry, where are your manners?
01:16:11Open the door for the lady.
01:16:13Oh!
01:16:15Come along, Penelope.
01:16:17Really?
01:16:17Wait some people behave.
01:16:19That child's too far.
01:16:21Oh!
01:16:25Now, look here, madam.
01:16:26You'd better button your coat up.
01:16:28It's cold outside.
01:16:29Oh.
01:16:30Do you know who I am?
01:16:32Might be the Archbishop of Canterbury, for all I know.
01:16:34Madam, I am not the Archbishop of Canterbury.
01:16:36I am a solicitor.
01:16:38Puffin, Puffin, Puffin and Wilkinson.
01:16:40I am Mr. Algernon, Bird, Birtwistle.
01:16:43Last train of three bridges, Haywards, Heath and Brighton.
01:16:46That's not my train.
01:16:47It's not anybody's train.
01:16:50I feel sure, sir, that...
01:16:51And being a solicitor, I know me rights.
01:16:53I have purchased a railway ticket.
01:16:55Well, you're lucky.
01:16:55I have purchased a railway ticket which entitles you to do access to this waiting room.
01:16:59And under the Railways and Canal Act of 1884, you have committed a crime.
01:17:04Mutatis mutatis, or mutatis mutatis, according to whichever school you went to,
01:17:08if indeed you ever went to school at all.
01:17:10Further, you are inciting one Henry to render certain persons unconscious.
01:17:14This is our prima facie liability for assault and battery.
01:17:18It is, sir.
01:17:19After all, I... I do know my law.
01:17:21I am a solicitor.
01:17:24Henry, show the gentleman out gently.
01:17:27He's a solicitor, and he knows the law.
01:17:33And see that we're not interrupting the solicitors or anybody else.
01:17:37But, Emma, you're wearing your slippers.
01:17:39Of course I'm wearing my slippers.
01:17:40You don't think I've got time to change, do you, with my daughter running off with a nameless sailor?
01:17:45Come on, Carnoustie.
01:17:47You'll go when I say so.
01:17:49And it won't be to Brighton with every load of here.
01:17:56Oh, Porter.
01:17:57Porter!
01:17:58Ticket collector, ma'am.
01:17:59I have a complaint to make.
01:18:01Oh, not about British Railways, surely.
01:18:03Oh, there's a woman in there.
01:18:05She's taken the whole place over.
01:18:06She ordered everyone out.
01:18:08Were you going to Brighton with this lot, weren't you?
01:18:11Yes, I was.
01:18:12And what's more...
01:18:14Don't mind, you don't need to let me explain, please.
01:18:15I don't need any explanation.
01:18:17I may not have been in the Navy, my lad, but I know the facts of life, don't I, Henry?
01:18:21Yes, you certainly taught me a trick or two.
01:18:24Ah, here's the stationmaster.
01:18:26A stationmaster?
01:18:28Stationmaster?
01:18:28I have a complaint to make.
01:18:30There's a woman in that waiting room.
01:18:31She's taken the whole place over.
01:18:33Stationmaster, I'm speaking to you.
01:18:35I say, he isn't a stationmaster.
01:18:39He's a corporal in the Navy.
01:18:47You!
01:18:48Yes, me, Mrs. Horlitz.
01:18:50Oh, you keep up to this.
01:18:51You're the one.
01:18:51She's not the hammer.
01:18:52They do say that every man has one big moment at some time in his life.
01:18:58Well, this is mine.
01:19:01Shut up!
01:19:06Thank goodness I found you.
01:19:07Oh, you.
01:19:08There's not more trouble, sir?
01:19:09I'm afraid I dropped a clangor.
01:19:11Oh, dear.
01:19:12I asked the captain for me, and I said to him...
01:19:14What are you doing, Aunt Edie?
01:19:16I'm looking for his clangor.
01:19:20He told me that I was quite wrong in saying that it took a long time to change your name
01:19:24legally.
01:19:25All you needed was a sixpenny stamp.
01:19:27A sixpenny stamp!
01:19:38Five minutes and a solicitor.
01:19:41A solicitor!
01:19:42A solicitor!
01:19:43A solicitor!
01:19:44That's it!
01:19:45A puffin, a puffin, a puffin!
01:19:47Come on, Aunt Edie.
01:19:47I can make this one.
01:19:48How would you?
01:19:49Come on.
01:19:49Come on.
01:19:49Come on.
01:19:50Come on.
01:19:51Come on.
01:20:01Here.
01:20:03Lenory.
01:20:05You'll cause enough trouble for one day.
01:20:07Me?
01:20:08I can't understand what you've got against, Albert.
01:20:12He can't help being born out of wedlock.
01:20:14You don't think of your daughter's happiness.
01:20:16You think nothing about anything but your blooming parrots.
01:20:20I'm going to put a stop to that.
01:20:21I told you time and time again, not to interfere.
01:20:24I just mean what you've spoken to.
01:20:26Do you hear me, Henry?
01:20:31Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor.
01:20:36Love is abroad no matter where you may be.
01:20:39Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor.
01:20:44Lock up your heart whenever you're in from sea.
01:20:48Wherever a port or harbour can be seen upon the chart,
01:20:51you'll find a dame all ready to claim a lonely sailor's heart.
01:20:55Watch it, sailor. Watch it, sailor.
01:20:59Once you hold her hand, you'll land in line.
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